So I got this email the other day that was truly trollerific. But it wasn’t even the entertaining kind of trolling that I can post and publicly make fun of. It was just all a drag.
But he did ask one question and bring up one point that was valid:
Hasnt becoming a parent changed who you are as a Dominatrix? How can you claim to be in a 24/7 relationship unless your committing child abuse? So your either a liar or a child abuser.
M’kay, so first of all, *you’re.
Secondly, stop saying “Dominatrix.” I’m a Dominant. Yes, I know they’re still technically the same thing, but the mental image conjured by each word is different.
It’s like the difference between “panties” and “underwear.” They describe the same thing, but the mental image is very different.
And thirdly (and I know I’ve mentioned this before), BDSM is a kink. It encompasses all the insanely fun and depraved things I love doing to my boys.
I know no one who reads this thinks I’m kinky 24/7. My sex drive is high, but it’s not that high.
On the other hand, D/s refers specifically to a relationship dynamic. Meaning it pertains exclusively to the way partners relate to one another and interact with one another within the strictures of their relationship.
In my relationships, I am in charge. That doesn’t change when my kid is around. It doesn’t change when the in-laws or friends are around. It’s not a role I play or a costume I wear, it’s literally who I am and how I relate to people.
And it’s not abnormal in the slightest, just by the way. Women having power within a relationship is not a new or strange thing.
In my mom’s southern family, the wife is always in charge, and when Grandma speaks, everyone shuts up and listens.
And especially in the Mexican side of my family, no one ever fucks with the matriarch. You never want a Latina bitch mad at you, m’kay. And when you’re married to one, and you live with her and she knows where you sleep, you do what the fuck you’re told.
I’ve spent enough time with my Mexican cousins. They never discipline their kids (like, at all), but they damn sure have their husbands well-trained.
The point is that having an unbalanced power dynamic in a relationship is not “new” or “kinky.” It’s completely mainstream for the woman in any given relationship to have more power within the relationship itself. My relationships just take that to a slightly higher level.
But there’s this habit a lot of people not in D/s relationships tend to do, and that’s to assume that real life is the same as the Femdom porn videos you see online.
Like, do you honestly think I’m just having nonstop orgies in front of my kid, and that’s all there is to a FemDom relationship?
Uh, no. It’s a relationship. It, like all relationships, requires work. Compromise. Give and take. Honest, open communication.
There are bills to pay. Errands to run. Groceries to buy. A house to maintain. Sometimes shit happens that interferes with my kink life.
Reality is not a porno, y’all. I don’t make Kazander strip down to his panties and stay on all fours as soon as he gets home from work. I don’t do anything kinky in front of my kid.
Because she’s six.
And even if she was old enough to mentally handle something like that, just ew. I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than my daughter being that knowledgeable about my sex life.
What I do with her father, behind closed doors, is none of anyone’s business, including hers.
But my relationship dynamic? I don’t hide that, because there’s nothing to hide. She knows Mommy is the one in charge. She knows Mommy is the one who makes the decisions, and she knows not to fuck with Mommy.
She also knows that I treat Kazander with respect, and I listen when he speaks. She knows that love and happiness are not things you have, but things you do. It takes work.