30 Days of Kink: Day 20

Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about or don’t understand.

Well, that’s easy.

Switches.

I don’t understand them.  I don’t understand the thought process, I don’t understand the ability (or desire, for that matter) to go from one end of the whip to the other.

Kazander has switchy tendencies, and I asked him about it, asked him what it is that makes him want to switch.

He says he’s not a switch, but he does occasionally like being in charge because there are certain things he enjoys that he just can’t do otherwise.  The example he gave was giving me oral.  He likes to keep going, just as hard (or harder) once I’ve had an orgasm, and sometimes it takes all my post-orgasm strength to push him off of me, because it’s just too sensitive.  But when he’s in charge, he doesn’t have to stop.  He can keep going for as long as he wants (because he’s a bastard).

He also pointed out that, while I’m most certainly not a fan of switching, I do tend to have some pretty intense orgasms when he’s in charge, because he’ll tease me and keep me horny and frustrated all day.  He can’t do that when I’m in charge (mostly because I would shove my knee-high boot up his ass if he tried).

But we do switch for his birthday.  And it’s not something I’m good at.  I make a fucking terrible sub.  You could call it bratty, but I think even “bratty” is a step up from what I do.

And I try.  It’s one of the only things he ever asks for, and it’s once a year, so yeah I try.  I want to be able to give that to him.  But I’m not very good at it.  There are a lot of eye rolls and words murmured under my breath, and a lot of half-assed submission.  Once, he was able to get me into subspace, which was pretty cool.  But, while it’s never as bad as I think it’s going to be in the weeks leading up to it, and while there are certain parts of it that do turn me on, it’s just not my thing.  I feel like I have to shut down certain parts of my brain to do it, and I can’t just switch back and forth.  Like, it takes me a day or two to go from one to the other.

So the people who can switch, and who want to switch, are people I don’t understand (I hasten, at this point, to add that I have no problem whatsoever with switches, I’ve known lots of awesome switches, and they’re just as good or bad as any other orientation.  I don’t have a problem of any kind with them.  I just don’t understand them).

I’ve always been completely, obnoxiously Dominant.  That’s just who I am.  The idea of submitting to someone else is so foreign and alien to me, it’s like my entire fucking soul recoils from it.  And assertive, obnoxious, dominant-type men turn me off.  It used to be that just sexual dominance and assertiveness turned me off.  But as time goes on, that has more or less bled over into other areas, as well (and I’m not implying that submissive men aren’t strong and assertive in their everyday life. They absolutely are. My boys are prime examples of that… It’s a completely different energy, and this is a relatively new feeling, and I’m still figuring it out. So just nod and smile and give me the benefit of the doubt until I figure it out and then figure out how to properly articulate it in a post).

I am not attracted to Alpha Males, or the idea of giving up control.  I love submissive boys.  I love when they yield to me.  It’s the sweetest drug, and I’m completely addicted.

I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to switch.  So I’ve always been curious about the thought process of a switch.  I’ve always wondered how that works, how those desires interact with one another.  One of these days I’m going to have to find a switch, sit them down, and pick their brain.

The Repercussions of Losing a Bet

Kazander and I like to make things interesting. We’re both gamblers, and we’ve been known to bet on anything you can think of. Mostly football games, but when football season is over, we’ll find other things to bet on.

Last night, we went out for Father’s Day, and found ourselves at a bar, drinking and shooting pool. He suggested that we bet on the games. I agreed. First, we bet on whether or not he would be allowed to cum later that night.

And he won. But I was finding my stride, so when we bet again, I took a much bigger risk.

Part of me agreed to it because I was confident that I would win (once upon a time, I was actually pretty good at pool). Part of me agreed to it because it was Father’s Day. But regardless of the reasons, we agreed to the terms.

If I won, I would get a hefty chunk of cash toward my next tattoo. And if he won, we would switch, and he would be in charge for the rest of the night.

The little bastard won.

But I wanted to win.

But I wanted to win.

I never even had a chance. We played a total of seven games last night, and I won a whopping total of none.

Even unzipping my blouse further, showing more of my boobs, and leaning over right in his line of sight did nothing. Even groping him as he was taking his shot did nothing. Even trying to shove more alcohol down his throat until he was too drunk to aim did nothing. He won every game.

(It’s not cheating, it’s being resourceful)

So, when we got home, I spent the next few hours subbing to him. And it’s always a huge mind-fuck everytime I sub to him.

First of all, I’m not a sub. Never have been, never will be. It’s so foreign and alien to me. It feels so weird letting him take control. Part of me feels like I’m in someone else’s body, watching through someone else’s eyes. It’s weird.

But not completely unpleasant.

There are moments in submitting to him that I thoroughly enjoy. And that feels even weirder.

Last night was fun, and it was interesting watching myself submit to him. Wild mindfuck. Am I in a rush to do it again? Hell no. But it’s not my absolute least favorite thing, either.