Something a bit different

Dear Domina Jen,

I am a 60 year old female lifestyle submissive who is currently seeking to be collared in a live in LTR with a Master and/or Mistress. I have been into the scene for a few years now and I have had some memorable sessions with both female and male dominants. I consider myself to be bisexual.

I also have a 41 year old son, my only child, who is likewise into BDSM. He too is submissive and has previously served a dominant female. He has only been into the lifestyle for about a year or so (a late bloomer!) and he considers himself to be bi curious. He has never been married and he does not have any kids.

We both recently discussed the idea of seeking out the same Master and/or Mistress for a LTR 24/7 live in arrangement. We are both willing and able to relocate if necessary. We are very close and live together currently. We spend a great deal of our free time together and frequently see movies and go out shopping together. We tell each other basically everything. We both really want to commit to a Master and/or Mistress for a LTR 24/7 live in relationship, but we do not wish to be potentially separated by such an arrangement, which is why we are considering this idea.

Could you please tell me if you would have any advise or wisdom for us as we peruse this goal? Have you ever come across any lifestyle submissives who are closely related by blood and servicing the same dominant(s)? While we are very close and have discussed our respective BDSM lifestyles in the past, we have never witnessed each other in such scenarios…

Thank you!



That’s an interesting question.  I know of parents and their grown children both active in the same community, and I’ve seen a Domme engage in non-sexual scenes with her grown daughter.  But I’ve actually never come across a parent and grown child serving the same Dominant.

The idea is somewhat intriguing and fascinating.  For the sake of the readers, I’ll point out that I did ask if you were looking to engage in sexual play with your son, and you told me that no, you’d never considered it, and the thought doesn’t interest you at all.

Still, this is something completely different from anything I’d ever heard of before (and I thought I’d heard it all).

But I don’t think what you’re looking for is unreasonable, or unrealistic.  I see no reason why you wouldn’t both be able to serve the same Dominant, and remain together.

Of course, it would depend on the situation.  For just one random example, I always prefer my subs naked.  That rule has fallen a bit by the wayside since the spawn was born, but it’s still my preference, and it’s the preference of a lot of Dominants I know personally.

So in a situation like that, you both would have to decide whether you’re comfortable seeing each other naked.  It’s also very likely, if you’re all living in the same house, that you will witness quite a bit of each other’s scenes.  For one example, you’ll have to ask yourself how you’d feel about seeing him punished, should he make a mistake.  And he’ll need to consider how he’d feel about seeing you punished.

From your description of how close you are, it’s possible that seeing each other being hurt may cause a level of discomfort, despite knowing that it’s all consensual, SSC, and all that.

My advice to you is to sit down with your son, before you start seriously looking for a Dominant, and figure out exactly what you are and are not comfortable with.  Figure out where your own boundaries are.  Taking on two new submissives at the same time can be daunting for even the most experienced Dominant, and making him/her try to hash out your boundaries with each other as well as your boundaries as individuals, as well as your triggers, you default states, your body language, your preferred method of expression, etc., is just too much.

That’s something you need to know beforehand.  Now, I recognize that you may be perfectly fine with the idea of something, and have an unexpected reaction in the moment.  Your son may be fine with the idea of you being grabbed by your hair in the middle of a conversation, pulled across a Dominant’s lap, and spanked until you cry.  But sons can sometimes be just as protective of their mothers as fathers are of their daughters.  Especially with how close you are, it’s possible he may have an unexpected reaction to something like that.

And an experienced Dominant will know that, and will take things slowly, anyway.  Still, it’s a very good idea to figure out what you’re at least theoretically comfortable with.

The other thing is his sexuality.  I can only speak for myself and the handful of people I’ve talked to about this, but I read bi-curious (or straight-curious) and am immediately wary.  I’ve had too many boys who initially said they were open to being bi, only to decide that no, it’s not for them, after I’d already invested my time and energy in them, and gotten emotionally attached.

Combine that with his lack of experience, and you’re looking at a significant obstacle.

He needs to figure out what his orientation is.  Straight, bi, pansexual, gay, or somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter.  But the word “curious” after it is an immediate turn-off for me personally, because I can’t trust that he’ll be able to give me what I may want.  I know for a fact I’m not the only Domme who thinks that way.

So he needs to figure that out.  He’ll probably need to experiment a bit, to see where his boundaries are there, and what his feelings are.  Regardless of what his sexuality is, what he’s comfortable with, and what he can do, he needs to know.

And for a situation like this, I would suggest sticking to experienced Dominants (but beware the ones who immediately declare how many years’ experience they have).  Your situation is complex, and creating a relationship with the two of you will undoubtedly be complicated, simply by the nature of the relationship.  You need a Dominant who knows what they’re doing, how to manage the both of you together, and as individuals, and how to work within your dynamic.

I don’t know where you live or what the local community is like there.  If it’s possible, being active in the community is so much more effective than trying to meet a Dominant online.  I would definitely recommend going that route.

But if that’s not possible, and you have to look online, then read.  Find a Dom/me that interests you, read their profile and their interests to see if you think you’d be compatible, and type out a custom message.  Don’t copy and paste anything, so many subs do it, and they’re not fooling anybody.  We can always tell.  No cookie-cutter messages.

It takes a lot of work, but that’s kind of the point.  If a sub can’t put the work in to try and initiate a relationship with me, what could I be able to expect of him once he’s mine?

It may take time, but with some patience and persistence, I have no doubt that you’ll find the scenario you’re looking for.

Let’s try this again.

I thought I was more or less done getting emotionally attached to subs.  That turned out to be wrong for a number of reasons, most of which I won’t get into here.  That’s a post for another day.

But there is one thing I will talk about.  And that is the sweet little CD sissy I met for lunch yesterday.  I had been talking to him for about a week, and he’s quite adorable.  He met me yesterday, dressed as a male, but I’m mostly likely going to be interacting with him while he’s en femme, and calling him by his sissy name, so it seems fitting that I refer to him as as “she” here.  I’ll also henceforth refer to her as “sissy.”

I got to the restaurant around 1:30 and met her outside.  She was extremely polite, very sweet, and a little bit nervous (they’re so freaking cute when they’re nervous, aren’t they?).  And for a moment in the beginning, there was a little bit of that awkwardness that always happens when I meet a new sub.  But within minutes, that awkwardness disappeared without a trace, and we found ourselves lost in conversation.

I was expecting to be there for an hour, maybe an hour and a half.  I finally left a little after 4.  I’d completely lost track of time.

She’s a great conversationalist, with a fantastic sense of humor.  I laughed so hard and so often, when I finally got the chance to look in a mirror, I saw that some of my eyeliner and mascara had smudged a bit (gasp!).

We talked about a wide variety of things.  I was surprised at how knowledgeable she was, with so many different subjects.  She’s only 25, but it’s obvious she’s spent a lot of time educating herself on a variety of things.  I certainly wasn’t bored.  And when I finally did look at my phone, I was shocked to find out how much time had passed.  It really didn’t feel like that long.

She seems so genuine, so sweet, so willing to go above and beyond what I normally expect from first meetings.  She even surprised me by handing me an envelope shortly after we sat down.

WP_20150728_15_45_59_ProTaped to the envelope are some bluebells.  When she handed it to me, she explained that bluebells are the flower symbolic of submission and submissives (I seem to remember seeing a sub with bluebells etched into her collar, but I may be mistaken… that was years and years and years ago).

She laughed, pointing out that these flowers are Texas bluebells, so technically not the correct flower, but try finding actual bluebells in Vegas in July.

I’ll be honest, I was stunned by that.  In all the years I’ve been doing this, with all the subs I’ve met, I’ve never had one go that far to make a good first impression.  So she has probably pretty effectively ruined it for any sub I meet in the future.  That’s a tough act to follow.

And, because I’m an astrology nerd (shut up, I do it for a living… for the moment, anyway) I asked when her birthday is.  I was stoked to find out that she’s an Aquarius, like me.  So that could definitely have something to do with why we were so comfortable with each other.  What’s more, I’m a mid-Aquarius (which is typically the most “Aquarius-like” Aquarius), while she’s a late Aquarius (which sort of gives someone a somewhat mutable, almost Gemini-like influence to the typical Aquarius traits), which could help alleviate the only real weakness in Aquarius-Aquarius relationships; emotional distance and a tendency to occasionally neglect the relationship.  With her having a more mutable influence, she may be able to help balance that out.

She’s pretty cute, too.  I’ve seen pics of her dressed, and can’t wait to see her en femme in person.

Oh, and she’s familiar with poly-type relationships.  She’s even sort of in one, herself.  She’s got a girlfriend, who knows about this side of her, knows that she likes to dress, knows that she’s submissive and wants a Domme.  The way sissy described it to me is that their relationship is amazing, and they’ve truly brought out the best in one another.  However, their sexuality is so completely different, so completely incompatible, they have opened their relationship and allow each other to have different partners (which makes me wonder if sissy’s girlfriend is an Aquarius, as well, or maybe a Gemini).  They both recognize that they’re simply too good together to break up because of a difference in sexuality, but that they both have needs that need to be met.

And damn, that’s pretty fucking awesome.

The bottom line is that she’s adorable, and I’m really looking forward to seeing where things go with her.  Because of past problems, I’m still staying a bit guarded, and not letting myself get too excited quite yet.  But I’m cautiously optimistic.  I’m going to wait a few months, and hopefully she’ll prove herself to be just as honest and genuine as she seems to be, and we’ll go from there.

Still kind of excited, though.  I’m letting myself be kind of excited.

More fun with semantics

So I’ve talked about semantics, and how there are as many definitions as there are members in the BDSM community.  It’s sparked countless debates, and countless arguments.  I always thought those arguments were petty, so I never really paid much attention to labels and the supposed differences between a sub and a slave, or a Domme or a Mistress. Continue reading