Why idiots are idiots

So this was the original answer I’d written for the comment left on my Feeding the Troll post.

It’s no secret that many within the Maledom and the vanilla world are less than accepting of male submission.  Attitudes range from indifferent disinterest to impassioned disgust.

The article I linked to described one Dom who curled his lip at a male submissive, and said, “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

And again, my response to this is the same as my response to BBWs who deal with those who look down on them: who the fuck cares?

But when you look at where this attitude comes from, you realize that the mindset is so much more legitimately harmful than just one guy being a judgey asshole.

Now, I will give some men a bit of a pass on this, because in a few very rare cases, there is actually a legitimate reason for the discomfort.  I know this because I feel the exact same discomfort in seeing a woman dominated by a man (and while I know intellectually that submissive women consent to and enjoy sessions, and can handle seeing a BDSM session with a male Dom and female sub, to this day, I still cannot watch male-on-female rape fantasies, or even rape scenes in movies).

I mean, trauma can happen to literally anyone, man or woman, Dominant or submissive.  No one is immune.  And if a male Dom has experienced trauma at some point in his life, then yeah, I can give him a pass for being uncomfortable with watching it.

Being uncomfortable with watching it and feeling that a submissive man is “letting their team down,” however, are two very, very different things.  And come from two very, very different places.

First of all, it feeds into toxic masculinity, which actively harms all men, across all ages, social, economic, and religious backgrounds, and all races.

I’m actually serious.  We’re only just discovering that men are more prone to depression, simply because until only very recently, all the data we had was on diagnoses of depression.  And since men aren’t allowed to have feelings, of course they’re not allowed to acknowledge depression, much less get it diagnosed and treated.

Men are literally three times more likely to commit suicide than women.  In no small part because you can’t have feelings and be a “real man.”

But the problem is that men are biological human beings.  Biological human beings have human brains, and human brains produce strong emotions, whether those human beings have a penis or a vagina (or both, or neither).

Toxic masculinity is such a fitting name.  It’s seriously toxic.  It is literally killing men.  It is poisoning them from the inside out, and actually killing them.

What’s more, it’s an attack against femininity, as well as masculinity.  Because to these people, FemDom situations are seen as, at best, a joke, and at worst, completely unrealistic because of the belief that a woman could never be capable of leading a man.  And for a man to allow such an inferior being to be in a position of authority over him shows a failure as a man.

But this mindset that submissive men “aren’t real men” demeans women, too.  Because it feeds into that mindset that dominance=masculinity, and submission=femininity.

Which is where you get the idiots like the one who wrote that message, telling me that I’m not a “real woman” because I’m not submissive, and Star isn’t a “real woman” because she doesn’t want a Dominant man.

It’s an attack against masculinity, yes, and a fucking brutal and archaic one, but it’s also seen as a gender stereotype, in which submission is a feminine trait and femininity is inherently inferior to masculinity.

Which is not exclusive to BDSM, by the way.  It’s exactly why my daughter is allowed to and encouraged to like “boy” things.  People are proud of her when she talks about Superman, or how much she likes watching The Avengers or Deadpool (yeah, I know, I know.  Don’t feel like getting into the why-I-let-my-5-year-old-watch-Deadpool discussion right now).

My best friend has a son, whom I adore.  And it broke my heart when my friend told her preschool-age son he couldn’t have a babydoll that he wanted.

I said to her, somewhat angrily, “What are you worried about?  That he’ll grow up and want to be a dad?  The unmitigated horror!”

She said, “No, it’s not that.  Everywhere he goes, he’ll be ridiculed if he carries a doll around.  What’ll happen when he goes to school and the kids find out he has a doll?”

And I mean, I was just so heartbroken.  She’s teaching her son that femininity is shameful.  That a real man, a strong man, must not want or like or appreciate anything even remotely feminine.  Otherwise, he is not a real man.

My daughter is allowed to like cars, and superheroes, and dinosaurs, and the color blue (and dark blue is actually her favorite color).  She is allowed to like masculine things, and take pride in the fact that she likes masculine things.

My friend’s son is not allowed to like dolls, or kitchen sets (despite the fact that the vast majority of professional chefs are men, and it’s very much a male-dominated field), or princesses, or the color pink.  He is not allowed to like feminine things, and if he does, it is shameful.

Has no one wondered why that is?

Do any of you in the US remember how the entire country went fucking ballistic when a magazine showed a picture of a mother and young son, and the boy’s fingernails were painted?

Everyone thought it was just terrible to allow a happy little boy to express himself howeverthefuck he wants, whether it’s “boy” or “girl” stuff.

God forbid a little boy has the inner strength to tell society, “Fuck off, I’m doing what I want to do.”

We can’t have boys growing up to be strong men who are confident and sure of themselves, and accepting of themselves as well as other people who may not fit the current societal norms.  That’s just unacceptable.

We need sheep.

Seriously, those people disgust me.  Because they’re not going ballistic when a girl does something masculine.  Only when a boy does something feminine.

And none of them have stopped to think why.

Wanna know why?  I’ll tell you why.

It’s because you think femininity is shameful.  Pretty it up all you want, you can’t hide the truth.  You don’t mind women exhibiting masculine behaviors because masculinity is seen as a positive thing, and the girl who shows masculine behaviors is seen as “strong,” and “tough,” and “just fucking great.”

Because she is rising above the “inferiority” of femininity and making herself better.  That’s why you see the car mechanics girls and the karate girls and the chess genius girls on the talk shows.  They’re rising above their station, and they’re worthy of attention.

You never see feminine little girls get that kind of attention.  You never see the youtube videos of the little girl who sews intricate princess dresses from scratch go viral the way the videos of the little girl football player who runs circles around the boys do.  You never see the little girl with incredible knowledge of fashion get on the talk shows the way the black-belt karate girls do.

Because femininity is shameful.  It’s tolerated in girls, because I mean, they’re girls.  Most of them can’t be expected to rise above their biology.

So we accept it in girls.

We sure as hell don’t encourage it or celebrate it the way we do masculinity, though.

But for boys, it’s even worse.  Because they had the great fortune to be born male, they’re held to higher expectations.  Masculinity isn’t a “bonus” for them, that makes everyone fawn over them the way they fawn over girls.  It’s an expectation.

It’s special when a girl rises from the inferiority of feminine behavior.  It’s expected for a boy to do it.  Because he’s better than that.  Because he’s a boy.

And should he lower himself by wanting to exhibit feminine behaviors, then he’s confused, or just going through a phase, or maybe there’s something developmentally wrong with him.

But if a parent actually allows and encourages that kind of weakness in a boy?  Especially a father???

It’s just unspeakable.  It’s a father’s job to teach his son how to be a man.  It’s a father’s job to teach him that he isn’t allowed to like feminine things, because he’s a man, and men are above something as shameful and weak as femininity.  It’s a father’s job to teach his son that femininity is something to be ashamed of, and even a hint of any sort of feminine behavior will make him less of a man.

It’s a father’s job to teach his son how to be a real man.  And create another generation of sexist, misogynistic pigs.

Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.  If any of my followers buy into that stupid shit, that boys shouldn’t be allowed to be feminine, go ahead.  Tell me your reasons.  Tell me how you pretty it up, how you convince yourself that you’re not a sexist, misogynistic pig.

My best friend is no exception.  Because she is perpetuating the idea that femininity in a man is shameful, and her son must hide these desires and impulses (such as a desire to be a parent.  I mean, the horror of a little boy fantasizing about growing up and protecting and caring for his child, and being a good father!  It’s the stuff of nightmares, and it’ll destroy society as we know it), and that such things are worthy of ridicule.  She is actively teaching her son that femininity, and all feminine roles and behaviors (such as child-rearing), is something to be tolerated (but not celebrated) in a woman, and looked down upon in a man.

Whatever her reasons are, when you boil it down, that’s what you have.  She views femininity in her son as shameful, so she must protect him from having those shameful attitudes and behaviors discovered.

It’s because, regardless of whether you’re a boy or girl, masculinity is seen as a positive thing, while femininity is seen as something to be ashamed of.

And when you add that attitude to D/s, you see the exact same thing.  To these people, submission is seen as feminine, and feminine = inferior.

I mean, the entire thought process is wrong, because Dominance and submission are not inherently masculine or feminine.  One has literally nothing to do with the other.  But that’s a different argument.

So I mean, the Dom mentioned in the article, who buys into this kind of attitude, is actively harming both men and women.  Including the women he may own, associate with, or play with.  Because how can you respect someone you see as inferior?  How can you care about, protect, and love someone you think could never be on your level?

And we cannot deny the strong probability that much of the discomfort at seeing a submissive man comes from the same place as the discomfort of seeing a female Dominant: they see it as a threat to their own masculinity.

In those cases, the men are not confident enough in who they are.  They are afraid of and intimidated by strong women, and unable to confront and accept their fear, so they push it off on others.  They choose to believe that only weak men can be submissive.

Because that’s easier to accept than being confronted by the fact that submissive men don’t share those insecurities, and that submissive men are confident enough and sure enough about who they are, that they’re not intimidated by strong, powerful women.  They can hold their own with such women.  They can meet her strength and intensity fearlessly and without hesitation, while these “Doms” cannot.

And again, this is not something that is exclusive to BDSM.


Exhibit A: I submit President Petulant Child completely intimidated by and unable to handle German Chancellor Angela Merkel.  Here we see him utilizing the “If I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist” defense. He looks like a scolded child.  I like to imagine it’s because she told him he’s the USA’s Hitler.  Except, you know, orange.  Although interestingly enough, his face is quite pink in this picture.  Because he’s that intimidated by her, the color literally rises in his face.  Which, by the way, I find hilarious.

And I also just want to take a moment to go on a tangent, because I haven’t seen anyone else notice this.  But look at their body language.  She’s got her leg crossed toward him, her shoulders rotated toward him, and is leaning toward him.  Her hands are relaxed, there is space between her fingers, and she is looking directly at him, her head in a neutral position (she is neither leaning her head down, looking up at him, nor holding her head up, looking down at him).

Meanwhile, we see that the Child in Chief’s hands are together, his fingers close together, and pointing down.  He is also subtly leaning away from her, his lips are tight, his head slightly lowered, and his eyes downcast.

And I want to take a minute to talk about what that means.  Her body language conveys confidence, engagement and self assurance.  The fact that she’s leaning toward him, while he leans away, is a display of dominance, most noted by just how much she leans toward him.  She is displaying signs of feeling completely comfortable and sure of herself in his presence, while he is showing multiple signs of insecurity.

She is completely dominating this situation, and she knows it.  The fact that her hands and fingers are relaxed shows that she’s comfortable and secure, and space between her fingers is a sign of dominance, confidence, and even a territorial attitude.  She knows damn well that she intimidates the ever-loving fuck out of him, and she doesn’t have a single problem in the world with that.

But the most pronounced thing is the position of Prima Donald’s hands.  That position is called “Steepling,” and when fingers are pointed upward or outward, is the single most obvious display of confidence and self assurance.  So much so, that it’s the one position that doesn’t need to be taken in context with the rest of the body language.

His fingers, however, are pointed downward, and the steeple is upside down.  This is one of the most obvious signs of insecurity, and even fear.  When combined with the rest of his body language, it’s more than clear that he simply cannot handle her confident, dominating energy.


And one more, because I just love this picture.  I love the expression on her face.  You can see that she’s totally thinking, “Holy hell, this is one pathetic, desperately-overcompensating manchild.  It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.”  Also, you see that her head is tilted slightly upward (now looking down at him), with the condescending smirk and her hands clasped together with thumbs out and fingers interlaced, which shows frustration and annoyance.  By this point, she has lost any semblance of respect for him as a man.  She sees him as pathetic, weak, and beneath her, and sees this whole thing as a waste of her time.  Meanwhile, he’s clasping his hands together, fingers not interlaced, which is a self pacifying gesture seen when one is uncomfortable or nervous.  And his head and eyes are still lowered.  I know nothing about Chancellor Merkel, but I’m instantly a fan.

So I mean, that’s a relatively common thing.  Insecure men are easily and often intimidated by strong women.  Insecure male Dominants will act the same way the Jersey Shore reject acted in Chancellor Merkel’s presence: avoidance, belittlement, and attempts to push the insecurity and discomfort onto others.

Or perhaps they harbor their own submissive feelings, but lack the inner strength to break free from society’s expectations (which, as I will explain later, is more likely than you might think.  Male submission is way more common than the average person realizes).  Perhaps they resent submissive men for possessing the strength they lack.  I’ve actually known a fair number of these men.  They’re quite common.

They’re drawn to BDSM because they have those desires, they have those fantasies.  But they are too weak to accept themselves, and societal norms dictate that they must be Dominant, because they’re men.  So they fall into that mold.

They know it doesn’t fit, though.  They know they’re unhappy, they know there’s something missing.  And when they see a submissive man, and are confronted with that man’s ability to be himself, to feel comfortable in his submissive skin, and to feel fulfilled in that role, it breeds resentment.

And because they believe that submission=femininity and femininity=inferiority, so submission=inferiority, they are uncomfortable with the idea of a submissive man being stronger than they are, so they choose to warp their mindset to protect their ego, and see the submissive man as weak.

I’ve had the unimaginable honor (and it was an honor, just ask him yourself) of speaking to one of the more vocal of these assholes, a man here in town well known through all local groups.  Everyone knows this guy’s name.  Everyone knows what a psycho he and his cult members are.

And I was lucky enough to learn firsthand just how easily intimidated he is by any woman who is not a complete doormat, and how badly he handles feeling intimidated.  His ego and his self image are so fragile, all I literally have to do in order to threaten him is exist.  That, he sees as a personal threat to who he is.  And when I politely but firmly refused to call him “Sir,” he just didn’t know how to handle it.  The only thing he could think of to do was to get hostile.

But he’s one guy, and the group he runs is small.

His is one of the most well-known names in town, but he and his followers comprise a wholly insignificant percentage of the local community.

These people are not the majority.  They’re just the loudest.  And, like with pretty much every large group in the history of humankind, the loudest are usually the craziest 0.5% of any given population.

But because they’re the loudest, most assume that they speak for the majority.

They don’t.

And what’s more, submissive men are actually in high demand.

They’ve done studies and polls with vanilla straight women, and found that literally a quarter of them prefer a more submissive partner.

And relationships are significantly more successful when there is a clear power dynamic (although it doesn’t matter which partner has the power).

You will always have people who say that women are meant to be dominated, and that to deny that is to deny evolution.  You’ll always have people who say shit like the stupid bitch said.  But the numbers are consistent, and the numbers don’t lie.

This study looked at two samples of BDSM kinksters, one in California, and the other in the Netherlands.  And there, they found some interesting things among women in liberal US culture, as opposed to Dutch culture (which I’m not saying is oppressive, I’m just saying that you don’t get much more socially liberal than California).

In both samples, the number of men who identified as exclusively submissive were about the same.  33% of Dutch men and 26% of American men identified as submissive.

Which in itself is a big deal, m’kay.  When submissive men make up a quarter to a third of the BDSM population, it might be time to retire the stupid stigmas.

But they found that only 8% of Dutch women identified as Dominant, while 30% of American women identified as Dominant.

So that was interesting (but misleading, but I’ll get to that).  And it showed that a significant number of men in the kink world are exclusively submissive.

There was another poll done with sexual fantasies that found something pretty interesting, as well.  While more men entertained dominant fantasies than women, and relatively few women entertained Dominant fantasies at all, the number of men who entertained submissive fantasies was much higher than expected.

Men like the male-submissive fantasy more than the male-dominant fantasy; 66% of men have submissive fantasies at least half the time.

Well over half of men have these fantasies.  Literally the majority, m’kay.

So why are they so badly ostracized?

You mentioned it yourself: The media.  But mostly because people are sheep.

The media generally sucks, but you do have massive outlets like Cosmo Magazine writing multiple articles about pegging, about Femdom power dynamics, and about toxic masculinity in regards to sexual desires (like pegging, or wanting to be submissive).

And millions of women are reading these. I mean, granted, Cosmo’s audience is late teens and early twenties, so the already-established bigots aren’t seeing them, but it’s my experience that all you can really do with bigots is hope they don’t reproduce before they die, anyway.

You also have the Huffington Post, who published a very-watered-down-but-still-decent article about the stigma surrounding submissive men, and how we as a society need to stop judging them.

This article looks specifically at powerful men in positions of authority, and how such men often have these desires.  They touch on the psychological effects of professional and social power, and how it tends to lead to a reduction of inhibitions and a decreased need for social conformity.  It cites a couple of different studies that show statistics on powerful men who are sexually and/or romantically submissive, and how these men are less sexually inhibited, and also put less weight on current societal gender norms, in no small part because of the effects of power on the human mind.

So not all media is bad.  And the more we speak out about male submission, the more we educate the public, the faster that stigma will fade.

Still, though, the single piece of advice I have for all submissive men who are unsure is to go to a munch.

I’m serious, and there’s a very real reason for it.

Because the very few men who actually do go to munches and events, depending on the group, are practically fucking celebrities. The first group Kazander and I joined was a mixed group, but mostly male Doms and female subs. There were 5 female Dommes who regularly attended.

Want to know how many male subs regularly attended? Including Kazander?

One. Kazander.

And he was always so popular among the Dommes. I mean, they all knew he was owned and never “tried anything” with him, they were all mostly awesome women. But he never wanted for women’s attention while he was there.

And don’t get me wrong, I adore my husband, but I can also admit that he is no Brad Pitt.

But try telling those Dommes that. Because it’s just that rare for a submissive man to come to a munch.

Groups that are exclusively Femdom do have a lot more male subs show up. But the vast majority are in their 60s or older. Which is awesome, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I’ve made some great friends with them, and have thoroughly enjoyed playing with one or two of them. They’re fantastic men.

But, while I was the youngest Domme in that group, it wasn’t by much. And as a 29-year-old Dominant who generally prefers men in the 40-50-ish age range, give or take a few years, I was just shit out of luck. The entire time I helped run the group, not a single sub under 55 ever showed up.

Not one.

And there were quite a few Dommes in their 30s, who may have preferred a sub closer to their age. Can you imagine how popular a man in that age range would be if he went to one of those?

I’ve had a couple of male subs tell me that (again, it depends on the group.  Some groups suck, some are awesome) it’s actually a huge ego boost to go to a munch. Even if it’s a mixed group and there’s just a handful of Dommes, chances are the vast majority of them either don’t have subs, or their subs never go with them.

We’ve all heard that stupid saying:  For every Dominant woman, there are 100 submissive men.

And yeah, that’s true on the internet. Among the men who message a Domme wanting to know her bra size before her name, and asking her to talk down to them while they jerk off before asking how she’s doing.

And when you look at studies like the one above, citing 8% of Dominant women against 33% of submissive men, it can be misleading, and further the notion that there are significantly more submissive men than Dominant women.

I’d even say the 100/1 ratio is conservative.  Based on the messages in my Twitter, email, Fet, and Facebook accounts in the last week, I’d venture that it’s actually closer to double that.

But I swear to you, that’s not even remotely true in real life.

The demand for submissive men is just laughably high. But because so many men see bullshit like this bitch’s comment, and think it’s the majority, they don’t go to munches. Or maybe they’ve had a bad experience in one group with a male Dom or female submissive, and allow that experience to color their perception.

They don’t go, and it’s so goddamn rare to see a Domme with a submissive man.  For example, of all the Dommes I know of here in town, of all the women I’ve seen at the play parties and munches, and have spoken to, want to know how many have a collared male submissive?

Three.  Including me, m’kay.  That ratio of submissive men to Dominant women is not 100/1.  I’d venture a guess that it’s closer to 1/100.

You don’t understand.  They are nowhere to be found.

Both of the mixed groups I belong to, by the way, are nothing but respectful of submissive men.  Kazander and I were married by a male Dom in one of those groups.  Kazander and I have had enjoyable conversations with more than one male Dom in the other group.  And one of Kazander’s really good friends is a submissive woman, who always asks where he is when I go to the play parties without him, and asks me to tell him she misses him.

That is the majority, okay.  Even in most mixed groups.  There are assholes in every group, but the vast majority of male Doms and female subs are completely normal people.

That is what you can expect.

Not psycho-bitch.  Hell, the sheer level of craziness, and the novelty of such craziness, is why I decided to publicly humiliate her.

Dominant women are here.  We’re at the munches, we’re at the play parties, and most of the time, we don’t have a sub of our own.

Because so many of them are just too ashamed to be seen with us.  Because they hear the craziest 0.5% and think it’s representative of the majority.  Because they buy into the bullshit.

We want you. We want you around. We’re going to treat you like a fucking king when you show up, because we want you around.

There are, at least in Vegas, wayyyy more than twice as many Dommes as there are submissive men. And from things I’ve been told, that seems to be about the norm across the country, with some exceptions.

So seriously, I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t let the psychos turn you off from who you are.

There are people who aren’t going to want you.  There are people who aren’t going to respect you.

But there are so many who do.

Wake-up call

I received this comment on my Feeding the Troll post.

Well, thanks for triggering me with what a lot of guys in my age range have always suspected; being, or even just acting submissive, is a major turn-off for women.

*retreats to safe space*

I’m being cheeky here, but I’m bringing up a serious point: Her attitude is something that has kept a lot of guys like me from even bringing up the topic. Or we sound out our partners in these convoluted ways so as not to attract suspicion. Or we play it up for laughs. And even when we have a partner who seems indulgent, we still keep the idea in the back of our heads that she’s just playing along and slowly losing respect for us. And the way submissive men get portrayed in the media certainly doesn’t help.

Oh, and thanks for sticking up for us.

You’re absolutely right.  Bigoted, ignorant idiots are everywhere, and the social stigma surrounding submissive men, particularly in the US, is still going strong.

But I beg you, and every man like you, not to let these idiots discourage you from coming out about who you are.

These idiots don’t just demean and remove value from submissive men, but from all men, and women, as well.

One article discussed the idea of masculinity and submission, and touched on the reasons for so many within the kink community being “uncomfortable” with male submission, including one particular Dom’s reaction: “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

*Edit* Tough fucking love time, because as I was editing and rereading this longwinded shit in my current mood, I decided to add something, and break it up into two posts.  Because before I get into all the psychology and studies and statistics and evidence that shows why idiots are idiots, I want to add something a little more blunt.  

This is directed to all submissive men who have been guilty of the attitudes I’m going to address, not specifically at the commenter or the specific situations he described.  And yeah, I’m in a fucking mood, so this isn’t going to be particularly nice.  Deal with it.  Hopefully this’ll be a wake-up call for at least some of you.

Here’s a life lesson: not everyone is going to be into you.  Not everyone is going to want you.  Not everyone is going to respect you.  But, to paraphrase something I told a BBW who wrote me about the concern that not every man is going to be into BBWs, who the fuck cares?

Welcome to the world of straight women.  We’ve only been dealing with the same thing for a few thousand years.  You think everyone is into me?  You think everyone respects me?  You think no one looks down at me?

You think I fucking care?

You think I care that some straight woman, that I will never fuck or be in a relationship with, thinks I’m not a “real woman?”  You think I care that a shitload of Doms, who I will never be even remotely interested in romantically or sexually, don’t respect me?  In a vanilla equivalent, you think I care that some super fit health nut gets all condescending because I’m a BBW, and tells me I’m not beautiful?

No.  I don’t.

Because A) I don’t base my worth as a person on how strangers view me, and B) there is literally no shortage of people who do think I’m a real woman, who respect me, who think I’m beautiful.  So fuck the people who don’t.  I don’t care.

Dommes everywhere are annoyed as fuck because it feels like submissive men care more about the opinions of strangers, strangers they don’t even want relationships with (like submissive women and Dominant men), than they care about us.  The people who desperately want them.

It’s annoying.  In most cases, it’s damn infuriating.  That Dom said, “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

Well, I want to tell you all the same goddamn thing.

You have no idea how it feels to be a Domme and constantly feel unwanted because of a submissive man’s insecurity.  You’re all so busy worrying about what strangers will think about you, or what vanilla women will think of you, you don’t even realize that you’re completely snubbing the women who adore you.

You’re so goddamn busy being ashamed of who you are, you don’t even realize that your actions consistently make Dommes feel like you’re ashamed of them.  You’re so worried about vanilla women and submissive women, you’re completely ignoring the millions of women who are at the fucking munches, waiting for you, hoping you’ll grow enough balls to show the fuck up.

And even when you do find a Domme, you’re so busy trying to keep your dynamic a secret, keep her a secret, that you don’t even notice how shitty you’re treating her, how you’re making her feel.

Do you have any fucking idea how tough it is to be a Dominant woman when, not only do the vanilla world and Maledom world not want you, but even the straight sub men are ashamed to be associated with you?

Do you have any idea what kind of strength it takes to continue being who you are when even the men who say they want you are telling you you’re wrong for being who you are?

You bitch about how jaded and rude we are when you message us.  You whine and complain about how hard it is to find a “real Domme.”

Fuck you.

Where do you think that comes from?  How do you think we got so guarded in the first place?

You did it.  You did it by being ashamed of us, you did it by being sexist pigs in your messages to us, continuing the pattern of caring only about yourselves, and your fantasies, and how we can satisfy your desires, while refusing to see us as people.  You did it by insulting us or threatening us when we called you out for being sexist pigs.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from Dominant men in the last year?  Seven.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from submissive men in the last year?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally thousands.

When are you going to wake the fuck up and realize that the Maledom world isn’t the problem?

The bigots are not the problem.  Bigots exist in every group.  One of you go ask a gay or a trans or a black or a Muslim person how many times they’ve dealt with bigots.

They still have the strength to be who they are in the face of bigotry.  Why don’t you?

Male Doms, even the assholes, are not the problem.  Submissive women, even the bitches, are not the problem.  Vanilla people are not the problem.

You are the fucking problem.

I’ve been a Domme for 15 years.  And for 15 years, I’ve consistently had submissive men be ashamed of me.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t shout from the rooftops that he’s my submissive.  It doesn’t matter that I work hard, and will outright lie, to protect him from being found out.

Because A) our private life is no one else’s business, and B) his ego is too fragile to handle being found out.  So I work to keep it from happening.  And there is nothing I won’t do or say to protect him.

I will imply that he’s the dominant partner in a vanilla relationship, and if it’s discovered that we’re kinky, I’ll say he’s the Dom (once, when an ex’s sister found a pink collar with the word “Bitch” on it in rhinestones, and he panicked, I told her that he was the Dom, and I was the sub, and I wore the collar.  That’s the most extreme, but it’s not the only time I’ve claimed to be the sub).

I’ll tell his friends I suck his cock every day, or that I let him fuck me in the ass.  I’ll change details of real stories to make him seem like “the man,” like I did when Kazander told his friends I’d arranged to have a stripper suck his cock.  I’ll tell his family that I hurry to fulfill his every beck and call, which is why Kazander still brags to his family and friends that he never changed a diaper.  I’ve overheard his guy friends tell him he has me well trained.  I don’t care.  You know, it’s the whole I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think-of-me-thing, and the my-self-worth-is-not-tied-into-other-people’s-opinions-of-me thing.

Some of his guy friends think I’m a pushover.  Some of them, because of things he’s said and things I have said and done, don’t respect me at all.

Go ahead.  Ask me if I care.

I do all that, I go that far out of my way, and I will continue to do it, because I can handle it.  I can handle people, even people I see and interact with on a regular basis, even relatives and family friends, not thinking highly of me.

I will always do it, with every sub who needs it, because he is worth it to me.  Because I care more about him than I do anyone else.  And I’ve been dealing with it for 15 years.  It’s nothing for me to deal with it.  I recognize that it’s not nothing for someone who has never dealt with it to be thrown into that.  So I will happily and proudly protect him.  As long as that’s enough, I’m content and happy.

But most of the time, that’s still not enough.  He’s still too ashamed.  Both of himself, and of me.

“No!  No one can ever know about you!  What if someone finds out?  What if something happens?  What if something slips out?  What if someone walks in on us?  What if someone finds out that I like pick-a-fetish?  I just can’t handle it.  I can’t be proud and unapologetic of who I am!  I have to be like everyone else, so people don’t make fun of me!”

You deal with that fucking bullshit for 15 years, and then you tell me how I shouldn’t be jaded and guarded when I get messages from people I don’t know.  You deal with being someone’s dirty secret for 15 years, and then you tell me I’m being too hostile.

Go on.  I’ll wait.

Fuck the vanilla world and the Maledom world.  You’re the ones we care about.  And you’re the ones who are hitting us the hardest.  Because you’re too busy caring about everyone else more than you care about us.

Want to know why the stigma against submissive men is still going strong?  Despite all the shit I’m going to explain, complete with links to the polls and studies, in my next post?

It’s because you’re all ashamed.  You’re too scared and too weak and too pathetic to come out and say it’s okay.

Because you’re too damn weak to stand up and say, “Yeah, this is who I am.  Don’t like it?  Fuck you.”

And that stigma is never going to change as long as you children can’t man the fuck up and be who you are.  You’re all still stuck in high school, worried about being made fun of by the jocks and the cool kids.

No but yeah, keep whining about how hard it is to be a submissive man in today’s world.  Keep telling me how it feels to know that the vanilla world and the Maledom world don’t respect you.  Keep telling me just how awful it is.

And then go to a munch, and look at all the Dominant women there, and count how many of them have a submissive man willing to be seen in public with them.  Count how many of them have met their sub’s friends and family.  Count how many of them have ever been seen as anything more than a dirty fucking secret.

Count how many submissive men are proud to be with the women who want them.

Seriously, many of you are even worse than the bigots.  And you’re too busy being self-centered, insecure children to even notice what you’re doing to the women who love you.

So yeah, that Dom had the right idea.  Be a fucking man.

If I’m man enough to be myself despite the fact that a hefty chunk of the population disapproves, if I’m man enough to tell the world to fuck off when they tell me I shouldn’t be who I am and want what I want, if I’m man enough to break free from the sheep,  then I fucking expect it of the actual men around me.

Lupus non curat iudicia ovium, bitches.  The wolf doesn’t care about the opinions of sheep.

So which one are you?


Submissive men are more attractive

A study in Prague surveyed one thousand average (vanilla) women.  Over 25% of them agreed that a more submissive man is more attractive than a dominant one.  Wayyy less than 25% thought a dominant man was attractive.

That’s huge.  You can’t get 25% of women to agree on anything.  The study also found that relationships are more successful if one partner is the more dominant, and one is more submissive, although it doesn’t matter which partner “wears the pants.”

So if submissive men are so widely coveted, and are so common, why are they so stigmatized?

It’s like herpes.  90% of the world has some form of herpes, but one study found that a majority of Americans think it’s worse than HIV.

Which is insane.  I don’t care if someone has herpes.  Kazander and I are in the 10% that doesn’t have it, but that hasn’t stopped me from playing with people who have it.

Hell, Kazander’s girlfriend gets cold sores.  He still plays with her.  And thankfully, she’s just as paranoid about him catching it from her as I am, so she’s quick to let him know if she thinks she feels one coming on.

But people don’t realize that 90% of the world has it, so it carries a stigma.

Just like people don’t realize that more than a quarter of women prefer a submissive man over a dominant one.  And that significantly less women wanted a more dominant man.

Now, it is important to note that this study wasn’t talking about BDSM or D/s relationships.  This was talking about vanilla dominance and submission, and the power dynamics one can expect to find in a more traditional relationship.

But the principle is the same.  Relationships with an unequal power dynamic do better than relationships where both partners are “equal.”  And quite a few women prefer their man to have a more submissive role in the relationship.

Statistically, submissive men are more attractive to women than dominant men, and are in higher demand.


So I’ve mentioned that Steel and I met over the internet.  Specifically, we met through the blog.  What I’ve left out until now is that he has a blog of his own.

Because of reasons, we kept our relationship off the blogs, and while we obviously write about each other often, we’ve kept out identifying details, and he’s adjusted dates/times on his blog, so it’s not overly obvious to those who follow both of us (if I talk about visiting him in December, and he writes his version of events in December, it’s just too easy to connect the dots).

The blogosphere is a small world, and it made sense (and still does make sense, in a lot of ways) to keep it quiet.  But what can I say, I’m not always a sensible person.  It’s alright, though, I have embraced my neuroses.  So we agreed (or, more accurately, I dictated and he good-naturedly chuckled at said neuroses and said, “Yes, Ma’am”) that the relationship would no longer be kept off the blogs.

Steel calls me V on his blog, which you can find here.  I may be a tad on the biased side, but I’m a huge fangirl of his blog (and that has only a little bit to do with how eloquently he feeds my ego).  The boy could write fucking stereo instructions and I’d be all over that shit like a teenage girl reading Twilight.

In less than 2 months we’ll be together again, and he’ll be back in my arms where he belongs.  I can’t wait.


The Mysterious Third

Airports, airplanes, and flying always put me in a nostalgic, sentimental sort of mood, in a way that few other things can. I never really knew why, but it’s something I’ve always loved. I love the cramped, noisy metal tubes, I love the layovers, I love walking through airports to find my gate.

Today, I spent the earliest part of the morning at gate C1 of McCarran Airport. At 5:25, I boarded the cramped metal tube, and we took off shortly after, in that soft pre-dawn light that bathes everything in a sweet blue, and raced toward the sun.

Once I get to my destination, I’ll have a short layover, and board another flight that will take me the rest of the way to the man I’ve been waiting to see for months.

Quite a few readers have noticed that I often reference owning three boys, but only refer to two by name. Quite a few readers have asked asked about the mysterious third boy, and why he’s been kept off the blog.

We all love a good mystery.

Most have assumed that he is Sissy, but no, that’s not the case. Sissy had some personal shit go down, that would mess with anyone pretty badly, and when he pulled away, I gave him his space. I’m of course open to talking to him again, should he reach out. He knows that I’m there for him, if he needs support, or someone to talk to. But he’s an Aquarius, and if he’s anything like me, he wants to be left the fuck alone.

So no, Sissy is not the third.

We’ll call the third Steel, and due to family and personal circumstances, we are temporarily separated by a distance large enough to warrant a plane ride. He’s got responsibilities that are keeping him farther from me than I’d like him to be. But we make the most of it, and Kazander was sweet enough to give me a trip out to see him as an early Christmas present.

So I’m spending the day at airports and on planes, some of my favorite places in the world. And don’t get me wrong. I love Kazander, and I love my kid, and I loved the last two flights I took with one or the other. But there’s just something so quiet about traveling alone. About being alone in a crowded room, surrounded by people, standing back and watching them.

It’s about seeing people hug goodbye at the security line, watching family members wave to their relatives. It’s about listening to people talk about their vacation, and how much fun they had in Vegas, but how they’re ready to go home. It’s about seeing hundreds of people sitting quietly at the terminals, reading or talking or working on their laptops to pass the time.

I even love the turbulence. Our descent is expected to be quite turbulent, and I’m looking forward to it. That sinking feeling in your stomach, the little rush of adrenaline, the unpredictable rocking of the plane, it’s all just awesome.

And I know that every minute that passes brings me about six miles closer to Steel. I’m going to be able to spend the weekend with him, using him hard to make up for the time we had to spend apart, and the time we’ll have to spend apart after I leave. As of now, there’s no way of knowing how much longer this separation will have to last.

I intend to make the most of the time we’ll have together. And his nervousness is adorable.

I had to promise not to completely devour him when he picks me up at the airport. Last time we were together, we got hungry and decided to drive to get some food, after a pretty long, intense session. He didn’t realize until after we were already on the busy road that his head was not in the right space for driving. So when we meet at the airport, I need to hold back, to resist the urge to claim him, until we get to the hotel (and we’re stopping to grab dinner on the way to the hotel, so the holding-back thing may get a little difficult). But I can’t do or say anything to fuck with his head until I know that he won’t have to drive for awhile. So that’ll be a test of my willpower.

But then, oh it’s on. His skinny ass is mine, and I’ve got to make up for lost time.

Oh, in the meantime… Here’s a funny conversation that happened between me and the passenger sitting next to me, a man who could be Shaquille O’Neal’s only-slightly-smaller brother, who was obviously freaking out during out descent.

Me: Not a fan of flying?

Shaq’s look-a-like: Of being shoved in a big metal box and thrown 700 miles? No, not really.

Me: Well, the good news is we’re low enough now that if we crash, we probably won’t die.

Shaq: *pause* Yeah, see that’s not helping.

I don’t get it. I said we probably won’t die. That’s being super-helpful.

30 Days of Kink: Day 17

What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?


How much time do you have?

Really, the biggest one has to do with the concept of Dominance and submission in relation to masculinity and femininity.  It’s my biggest pet peeve (and one of the easiest and quickest ways to piss me off) when people think that the two have anything remotely to do with each other.

Dominance is not a “masculine” trait, and submission is not a “feminine” trait.

They’re just not.




Whatever argument anyone may have to the contrary is a stupid, misguided, ignorant one, and their ideas of gender and sexuality are obviously stuck in the Medieval era.  I see those people as unevolved, uneducated, narrow-minded, worthless wastes of mass and oxygen.

They’re the same type of people who think that all gay men must be feminine, and that all lesbians must be butch, all MtF trans must be sexually attracted to men, that rape victims who dress “slutty” are “asking for it,” and all those other misguided, prehistoric, close-minded, willfully ignorant notions that we as a culture continue to entertain because we’re too lazy to educate ourselves and broaden our view.

Being a Dominant does not make me “less of a woman,” and being submissive does not make any man “less of a man.”

Furthermore, being submissive does not make someone “weak,” by any definition of the word.  Anyone who’d like to argue that point is welcome to spend an evening in a locked room with my boys.

Tell me how that works out for you.

Dominance and submission have nothing to do with gender, gender identity, masculinity and femininity, or sexuality.  Completely separate things.  That misconception has no place in anyone’s mind.