I’m not a jealous person.  It’s not my nature.  That, and it kind of runs counterproductive to the whole polyamory thing.

In fact, jealousy does more than turn me off.  It pisses me off, and nothing short of a long list of recent sexual assaults can turn me off to someone quicker than finding out they’re jealous or way too possessive.  I’ve dealt with a jealous spouse before.  I’ll never get into a relationship like that again.

And I don’t understand people who are okay with it.  One of Kazander’s friends has a girlfriend who gets jealous if he comments on one of my Facebook pictures.

Are you serious?

Because somehow, just because I’m female, I must be trying to steal her boyfriend.  And just ewww.  Because while he may be hot, he’s homophobic, he has no sense of humor, and I’m 84% sure he’s on steroids.

Girl, he’s all yours.  Trust me on that.

So jealousy isn’t my thing.


I’m human.  I’m not perfect, and I’m not immune to those occasional (short-lived) spikes of jealousy.

And there’s nothing wrong with those little spikes.  As Steel said, “Who wants to be owned but not valued?”

As long as they stay those occasional little spikes, and don’t turn into full-on jealousy, it’s fine.  Even flattering.

I’ve felt them before.  And it’s expected, really.  My boys are awesome.  Of course other people notice.  Of course other people entertain fantasies about them.

The first time I felt that stab of jealousy with one of my boys was when I found out that Kazander’s boss has a crush on him.  Although again, it didn’t last long.  And her feelings for him actually worked out to our advantage in a huge way.

Hell, I even felt it when Chevy mentioned that he had a crush on Kazander (particularly when he wears those loose gym shorts during the summer… For all the crap I give Kazander with small-penis humiliation, he’s not small.  Chevy noticed).  And I’ve actively worked to make that happen.  Because it’s hot.

I haven’t experienced it with Sounder yet, but I’m sure I will.  He’s fucking hot, he’s smart as hell, and he’s got a fantastically sarcastic, dry sense of humor (his humor is a big part of what initially got my attention in the first place).  I have no doubt that at least one woman he interacts with on a regular basis fantasizes about him.  Although, the things the average vanilla woman may fantasize about doing with him are…. very different than the things I do with him.

Like how I fucked him with a big dildo and tied his hands above his head and clipped like a hundred (I may be exaggerating slightly) clothespins on his dick and balls last night.  I’m pretty sure the average vanilla woman’s mind doesn’t go there when she imagines him without his clothes on.

Just recently, I felt it with Steel.

And again, it was expected.  I’m actually surprised that it took this long to happen.  I’ve been with Steel damn near a year, now.

And he’s sexy, he’s got the most expressive eyes I’ve ever seen, he’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and he’s funny as hell.

He also looks damn good sprawled across me while I finger him, or up on all fours while I spank him and fuck him, or curled up in my lap while I absently play with his collar and watch TV.

Or straddling me, his arms wrapped around me, clinging to me, his face buried against my neck, gasping and whimpering while I tease and hurt him, shoving my precum-soaked fingers into his mouth when the constant stream of slutty begging goes from being adorable to being annoying, pinning him down and grinning as he whines while I milk him…

What was I talking about?

So it’s not surprising that another Domme took notice.  And it’s not surprising that she has repeatedly expressed her attraction to him, despite knowing that he’s owned and collared.

Of course she’s attracted to him.  Who wouldn’t be?

Of course she imagines using him.  He’s an insatiable, greedy bitch with a goddamn sexy mind.

Of course she sees in him everything that made me fall for him in the first place.  This doesn’t come as a surprise.  I’d be surprised if she’s the only one.

And no, it doesn’t make me jealous.  Because at the end of the day, he’s loyal, he’s faithful, he loves me, and he’s mine.

Breaking boys

So yesterday I mentioned that my eventual goal in all my D/s relationships is to break my subs.

And I’ve mentioned it before, but have avoided expanding on it for a number of reasons.

First of all, every damn aspect of it is difficult to explain.  Even describing what I mean by the term “break” is complicated.

Still, I do love a challenge, and it’s worth a try.

So what do I mean by “breaking” someone?


It really is complicated.  And so much of it is mental.  And abstract.  And when I do it, it’s very exact, and deliberate, and real.  But trying to describe it requires more metaphor than even I’m a fan of.

The easiest (and most over-simplified) answer is to break through the walls he has up around himself.  All of them.

And that sounds simple.  But in reality, it is extremely profound, extremely intense, and extremely complex.  I will be seeing parts of his mind that no one has ever seen before, parts of his mind that he never thought he’d let anyone see.

Another answer is that I’m breaking him down.  Which sounds cruel, but it’s not.  While it is always uncomfortable for the boy I’m doing it to, he always knows that he’s safe, he’s loved, and I won’t harm him.

But yes, I’m breaking apart everything he thinks he knows about himself, often shattering his perception of himself and even his very reality (depending on the boy, of course).  I’m tearing down all his defenses and leaving him completely exposed, vulnerable in a way he’s never experienced before.

I once spoke to a very troubled young man who believed that I couldn’t do that with him.  He gave an incredibly beautiful description of his mind, likening it to a forest.  You first enter the forest, and it’s all pleasant.  Birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and the sun is shining through the trees.

But the farther you go, the denser and darker it gets.  The trees start looking stunted.  Odd.  Gnarled.  There are no birds singing, just an eerie silence.  If someone starts to go deeper, the forest will lead them in circles, will trick them, anything the keep them out.  The wind picks up, it starts to rain, it’s time to leave.  He mentioned that this was the point most people want to leave, anyway.

But a very few, who have gotten that far, want to go further.  They step off the path he’s laid for them, and want to go farther.  He can describe it so much better than I can, so I’ll use his words.

The trees are giant here, there is no sun and the trees aren’t a variety that one could ever recognize. It’s always raining and it is cold. Inhuman sounds are carried on the wind which bring warning to trespassers. Rotted fallen logs try to sprain ankles, stinging nettles and thorns scrape at skin and hold people in place. Large shadows can be seen scurrying just out of sight. The massive trees swing in the wind and threaten to tumble down at any second. A heavy fog begins to form and the ground becomes unstable. Almost no-one comes here and no-one has ever gone farther. What’s beyond?
The forest opens up onto a marshland. Dead bleached trees reach out of the mud and the rotting corpses of animals float amongst them. The smell is putrid, the fog is thick. There is no end, or beginning. The mud is deep and hard to traverse. It’s not scary like the forest before. It’s silent and eerie if not fairly sad. If, somehow someone walked long enough they would find a small island ringed with trees. On it they would find a scared little boy huddled inside a dilapidated barn.


I have met that little boy so many times.  Everyone is different, but that scared, lonely little boy has been inside quite a few of my subs.  He exists in more than one of my current boys.

To me, in all the times I’ve broken boys, it always felt more like a labyrinth, that will change and lead people around in circles, with walls that will spring up out of nowhere and lead people to dead ends.  And when I get deeper, I can sense that urgency in them as they throw those walls up, as the maze changes and gets darker, trying to keep me out, trying to lead me away from the center.  I know them, though, and I know how to navigate it.  And on very rare occasions, when I’ve got something specific I’m working toward, or have just run out of patience, I know how to completely tear down those walls, and force my way through.

I’ve explored all three of my boys to different levels.  With Kazander, I’ve found that little boy.  And it wasn’t easy.  People always respond differently when you go that far into their minds, when they realize just how much you know, and just how vulnerable they are to you.

His reaction when I started digging deeper than what he was comfortable with was always anger, and open hostility.  That had always been his defense mechanism, his way of keeping people away, because he’d always been so intimidating to everyone around him.  It scared people off.

But it didn’t scare me.  Anger doesn’t intimidate me to begin with, and more than that, I knew where his anger was coming from, and I saw it for what it was.  So I let him scream and rage and hurl his insults and throw his tantrums, and I used what I knew of him to push my way through.  And the deeper I got, the more he realized he couldn’t stop me, the more desperate he became.  There was a lot there that he’d kept hidden.  A lot that he never intended anyone to see.

And I didn’t give him much of a choice, anyway.

I’ve touched Steel’s mind a bit, although I haven’t gone deep enough to really trigger his defense mechanisms yet.  He may be a bit more of a challenge, though, despite the fact that he wants to be broken, that he aches for it.  Because at some point, you really just can’t control it.  Your mind recoils, trying to protect itself.

And while Kazander’s anger and hostility were direct, Steel is quieter, and much more subtle.  He can be a master manipulator when he wants to be, and has become quite good at leading people away from the truth.  Or making them believe they’ve seen the truth, when they haven’t.  He’s never done that with me, though, even with the digging I’ve done so far.

I’m impressed, really.  He’s kept himself open to me, even when it made him uncomfortable, even when it scared him.  Even when he thought I was judging him for his past.  But once I really start digging, he may not be able to control it.  That will be his instinct.  And it will be harder to navigate than the directness of Kazander’s hostility.

But I know him, I know his triggers, I know how to throw him off balance, and I know how to pin him down.  He knows he can’t hide from me for long, and he doesn’t want to, anyway.  He’s the most willing boy I’ve ever come across, and that will definitely help.

Sounder is next.  And from what I’ve seen so far, his instinct is to pull away.  He’s got a very strong fight-or-flight instinct, and neither fight nor flight will be pretty.  Once, I pressured him into letting me see him when he really, really wanted to be left alone.  And he finally relented, but I could feel his tension and anxiety through the phone.  When I got there, as soon as I saw his face, his body language, I knew better than to push him.  Not then, not yet.  And that wasn’t my goal that night, anyway.  I didn’t go over there to push him.  I had two goals that night, one he knows about, and one he doesn’t.  And I achieved them both.

He may be a bit of a challenge, as well.  Ideally, I’m going to want to avoid triggering the fight-or-flight altogether, but the closer I get to him, the more I’m thinking I might need some of that fight.  I’ve used hostility as a tool before, but I had the opportunity to really master the skill with Kazander.  I can certainly use it to my advantage with Sounder.

Which, understandably, has him freaked out.  He knows his patterns, he knows his history, and he knows what’s happened in the past when people have pushed him too far.  It gets to the point that he just can’t control it.  His subconscious takes over, and defends itself.  He’s extremely wary of being pushed past what he’s comfortable with.

So I’ll need to be careful.

Which brings me to how I go about breaking someone.  And it’s a tough thing to answer.  I mean, I’m sure I’ve made it clear at this point that it involves getting to the core of someone’s mind, laying them out, completely vulnerable, completely exposed, unable to hide, with everything out in the open.

That process is more difficult with some than with others, but it’s always complex, always complicated, always tailored exclusively to the sub I’m dealing with.

People I’ve broken have asked how I did it, and I’ve never really had an answer.  Part of that is because there’s a hell of a lot going on, all at once, and I’m assessing and reassessing a situation a thousand times a second, tweaking what I need to do, what I need to say, how I need to act.  Sometimes, I can temporarily become someone completely different, if that’s what it takes.

Because once you get that deep into someone’s mind, it’s like navigating a minefield.  No one else has ever been that deep in their minds, and I don’t care who you are, that’s fucking terrifying, to let someone else in that deeply.  They’re afraid, they’re defensive, they’re reluctant, and they’re unsure of themselves, unsure of what I’ll think of them once I’ve seen that part of them, and unsure of what I’ll do with that level of control, that level of vulnerability.

It’s something that needs to be navigated very carefully, and I need to have an extensive understanding of them to begin with.  There are certain things I need, certain pieces of a puzzle that becomes the map I use to find my way.  I usually need those pieces before I start digging, but once, just getting one of those pieces landed me much deeper in a boy’s mind than either of us expected, and I had to take great care not to make a wrong move.

He had PTSD and was manic-depressive, though, so his mind worked a little differently than the others I’d explored.  And extra caution had to be used to make sure I didn’t accidentally hit one of his triggers for the PTSD (before it was all said and done, I did purposefully hit one of his triggers, but he knew about it and agreed to it long before we took that step.  It was the day I broke him that I needed to push him that far, and he knew for months that it was coming, and knew as soon as I got there that night what was going to happen).

I was lucky, though.  He had a service dog that was specifically trained to sense when he was about to “lose himself,” as he called it, and that dog became a big part of my map.  I always left the bedroom door open so she could come running if I started getting too close.  And before long, I learned his signals, and needed her less and less (it wasn’t always obvious, he internalized a lot of it, and combine that with one of his manic episodes, and shit got complicated, quick.  I had to learn fast).

So I need to get to the deepest part of his mind.  I need to lay him out, completely vulnerable, exposed, and open.  But that’s not all that’s involved.  And the next step completely, 100% depends on the boy, so it’s difficult to describe.

Sometimes, as was the case with Kazander, I need to pull up his weaknesses, his demons, the skeletons in his closet, and confront him with them.  Sometimes in a somewhat-cruel, merciless way.  Sometimes I need to physically and mentally overwhelm him, then use a specific word or act to push him over the edge.  Sometimes I need to push him to the point of exhaustion, and use either pain or humiliation (or both) to make him crumble.

I mean, the options are endless.  And I may have a sneaking suspicion of which tactic I’ll need to use, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know for sure until I have him at that point.  It’s a part of his mind even he didn’t know existed, so there’s no way to predict it with 100% accuracy.

And the end result is always the same.  He’s brought low, he’s humiliated, he’s embarrassed, he’s made weak, and small, and defenseless.  For some, it’s the first time in their adult lives that they’ve been made to openly cry.  The last of the walls are destroyed, and I finally find that scared little boy.

But I’m not done, once I get there.  For some, it doesn’t take much more than that.  They’ve just been fighting too long, and they’re tired.  The fight has left them, and they’ve given up trying to keep me out.  They want to give in.

Others, though, require more.  Because they can rebuild those walls just as fast as I can tear them down.  Once I have them at their most vulnerable, I need to keep pushing.

Gently, mind you.  Everything must be gentle at this point.  The humiliation ends, the brutal sadism ends, the rough treatment and abuse end.  Things slow down, things get quieter, things get softer.

And again, what happens next depends completely on the boy.  Sometimes I’ll lie him down on his stomach with me on top of him, or on his side with me lying behind him, and hold him close as I slowly, gently fuck him, whispering that he’s loved, he’s safe, and I’m proud of him.

Sometimes I’ll tie him up in one way or another and pull him into my lap, and finger him.  Sometimes I’ll let him curl up around my body while I sound him.  Sometimes I’ll use mild to moderate pain (like clothespins on the nipples, etc) while he clings to me.

Again, options are endless.  But it’s always gentle, always quiet, always slow, and always involves lots of body contact and lots of physical closeness.  In that moment, he needs lots of reassurance.  In that moment, the strong, grown man is gone.  In that moment, he is that little boy.  Everything else falls away.  It’s just him, and me, and the reality I’ve created for him.

Once that happens, once he’s at his lowest, it’s time to start building him back up.

Which, finally, brings me to why.

Why do I bother going through all that?  Why do I make him endure it?

Lots of reasons.  First and foremost, because I want to.  It’s fun.  It indulges the sadist in me while still being positive and constructive.  I can use it to build, rather than destroy.  I can hurt him without harming him.  More than that, I can hurt him while healing him.

Secondly, the human mind fascinates me, and I’ve gotten very good at exploring it, manipulating it, and getting to the core of it.  However, because people aren’t comfortable with their minds being probed that deeply, I rarely get the chance to do it, unless I’m breaking someone.  It gives me an opportunity to use those skills, it gives me a new playground, a new toy to play with.

And thirdly, much of D/s for me is about growth.  Forever moving forward.  No stagnation.  And with so much of my brand of D/s being mental, there simply comes a point where I just can’t go any farther, I can’t take him any deeper, without destroying those walls and getting through.  Because it’s human nature to keep people out.

Everyone, regardless of their past, or whether or not they have demons, is uncomfortable being explored that deeply.  Everyone tries to keep people out. Because, whether we admit it or not, we simply don’t trust others with that.

All three of my boys have more reasons than most to be uncomfortable with it.  Trusting me with their bodies is easy.  Trusting me with their minds is something else entirely.

But without breaking those walls down, I’m limited.  There’s only so much I can do, so far I can go.  Things get stagnant.  Things go stale.

By breaking him, by tearing down all that pretense, all those defenses, it opens up so many new doors.  So many new opportunities.  A whole new level of intensity.

And it’s about personal growth, too.  We’re never done growing, learning, improving.  That’s true for me, and it’s true for my boys.  By breaking through all his defenses, I can lay out his demons for him, and show him that they have no power over him.  Things are always less frightening when they’re pulled out into the light.

So I can build him back up, stronger than he was before.  More at peace than he was before.  I can show him how to let go of anger, how to live with their past.

And how do I know how to do this?  How do I know the effect it’ll have?

Because it was done to me.  By a vanilla man.  Albeit far more clumsily than my own methods, and he had virtually no grasp of what he was doing, but he opened the door for me.  He had only his wisdom, his experience, and his love and affection for me to guide him.  And it was rough.  I was angry then.

And as intimidating as Kazander’s temper is known to be, the one and only time I ever lost control in the last six years, ever lost my temper on him (it was just a couple months ago, actually), freaked him out.  There was no shouting, I have no need to get loud like he does.  But I’ll never forget the look on his face, the way he stepped back, his own anger falling away as he saw a glimpse of what I’m capable of.

I’m grateful for that, though.  Seeing his expression reminded me what I’m capable of, and why I work so hard to keep control.  Seeing that I’d scared him helped me clamp it back down immediately.

I didn’t have that control back then.  And my anger combined with his clumsiness made the process rough, and is a big part of the reason why the relationship didn’t succeed.  But that was twelve years ago.  I’ve learned a lot since then.  And I’ve mastered the process he showed me.  I took what he did and I improved it.  Exponentially.  I made it more effective, more efficient, more constructive.  More precise.

I mastered the ability.  And I am very good at what I do.

He knows me too well

“You look mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You look mad.”

“I’m not mad.  This is my thinking face.”

“Your thinking face looks an awful lot like your I’m-about-to-tear-someone-a-new-asshole face.”

“I’m not going to tear anyone a new asshole.”


“I’m not mad.”

“I can practically feel your annoyance from here.”

“Oh I’m annoyed.”


“Annoyed is not the same thing as mad.”

“Yeah but I’ve seen you ‘mad’ maybe four times in the last five years.”

“This is not one of those times.”

“But that’s not going to stop you from tearing someone a new asshole.”

“No, I’m not doing anything yet.  I’m just waiting to see what happens.  Watching to see how events unfold.”

“I know damn well you’ve already got the entire message written out in your head.  You just haven’t sent it yet.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.  I have the next three conversations with at least four people written out in my head.”

“There’s that face again.  And you have the habit of not-so-gently dealing with people who are wrong.”

“I’m thinking.  It’s my thinking face.”

“And you’re thinking about tearing someone a new asshole.”

“Not yet.”

“I know you.  And you will bury yourself with your own shovel to prove someone wrong.”

“Only if they’re wrong.”

“So you’re going to tell me you don’t have some 5,000-word diatribe, complete with charts and graphs and a fucking Powerpoint presentation, all set up in your head, ready to go, if that’s ‘how events unfold?'”

“Of course I do.  I’m an ENTP, remember?”

Rolls eyes.  “And aren’t I lucky for that?”

He really does know me too well.

Mistakes men make

One of the reasons I love this blog (other than the fact that it feeds my shameless narcissism, of course) is that it gives me the opportunity to connect with many different people, from all over the globe, from all different walks of life.

Being the innate people-helper, anthropologist, and amateur psychologist that I am, I also love hearing other people’s journeys.  I enjoy those deep, probing conversations.  And the awesome thing about the conversations taking place through email is that there’s a degree of anonymity that you can’t get anywhere else.  People often feel more comfortable sharing these incredibly personal stories, because I don’t know, and will likely never know, who they are.

And often, I get emails from people who need help, and have sometimes been able to provide advice.  Whether it’s how to leave an abusive relationship masquerading as a D/s one, how to approach a Dominant, or how to come to terms with a sexuality that doesn’t necessarily mirror one’s personality outside the strictures of the D/s relationship, I’ve been flattered and honored when I’ve been able to provide some kind of help in the form of suggestions, advice, or emotional support.

One of the most common questions I get asked by submissive men is how to approach a vanilla wife/girlfriend/partner/whatever with their desires, and how to turn a vanilla woman into a Dominant one.

My feelings on this are mixed.  As you all know, I’ve always been Dominant.  There was no becoming Dominant for me.  I “became” a Dominant when I realized that BDSM exists, and that there are entire global communities devoted to people like me, and the ones who want to be with people like me.

I know there are plenty of people who become Dominants.  I’ve known people who have always been the dominant partner in their relationships, in a vanilla sense (for the record, because I was asked this, I capitalize the D in Dominant to differentiate between a specific role within BDSM and vanilla dominance.  There is a difference.  You can be dominant, and Dominant.  You can be dominant, and submissive.  They may overlap, but they are not the same thing).  For those people, who have always sort of taken the lead, becoming a Dominant may be a somewhat smooth transition.

The point is, I’m sure that someone can become Dominant, provided the seeds already exist in that person.  You can’t create something from nothing.  But I’ve spoken to enough women who started out as vanilla and became the Dominant partner in a female-led relationship to know that it’s possible, and that those women can and do become extremely effective Dominants.

But there is a mistake that 99.999999% of submissive men in vanilla relationships make when approaching their partners, and it’s time to address this.  

Because you guys are seriously fucking up and shooting yourselves in the foot, and you need to stop it.

So you’re submissive, you want to live in a female-led relationship (to whatever degree), and you want your wife to take control of you.  It’s something that you’ve yearned for, sometimes for years, but never said anything about.  You’ve kept quiet, you’ve kept that secret hidden, but you can’t stop it from burning you up.

But your wife is vanilla.  Maybe she has a dominant personality, maybe she’s happier letting you take the lead.  Maybe she’s passive in bed.  Maybe she’s traditional and conservative in the way she views relationships.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  There are a million reasons in your head why you don’t think she’d be into it.

Finally, you decide to talk to her about it.  And that is an emotional roller coaster, in and of itself.  You have no idea how she’ll react to learning about this side of you, that you’ve kept hidden from her.  You have no idea how she’ll react to the things you want done to you.

Sometimes, that conversation doesn’t go well.  Sometimes, she has no interest in it, and likely never will.

But sometimes, she’s intrigued.  Interested.  Curious.

I think it’s important for me to illustrate what I’ve seen happen in a woman’s mind during this process.  I’m not claiming this happens to all women, or that it’s happening to your wife, this is just from personal experience and conversations I’ve had.

Sometimes, she’s willing to give it a try.

Unsure, nervous, and hesitant, sure.  It’s a pretty significant thing, a pretty significant change in the way you relate to each other.  I’ve noticed in my experience that the women who react this way tend to be compassionate, caring, loving, and affectionate.  Those are amazing traits, and I think all Dominants need them, but for a vanilla woman, making the switch to hurting you instead of holding you can be tough.

This is something I’ve had trouble relating to.  For me, loving and caring about someone makes me want to hurt him.  Beating on a stranger does nothing for me.  Humiliating a stranger does nothing for me.  It’s because I care about them that I like to hurt them.

Many women (perhaps most) don’t feel this way.  Loving you makes her averse to hurting you.  And it starts a massive whirlwind of conflicting emotions in her.

First, she’s genuinely curious about this lifestyle.  She’s intrigued by the idea of owning you and leading you, and she may also be intrigued by the idea of hurting you.  Many vanilla women aren’t necessarily sadistic, but the idea of having that kind of power over her man, having the power to hurt him, can be appealing.

But it goes against everything she thought a loving partner was supposed to be. Guilt can become a significant obstacle.  She’ll feel guilty because she’s had 20 orgasms, while you’re denied and kept frustrated.  She’ll feel guilty because you’ll react to the pain she causes you, and seeing your face, seeing that you’re genuinely suffering, because of her, may completely turn her off to the moment.  Hurting someone she loves does not come naturally to most compassionate, caring women.

It’s also fucking overwhelming.  Especially if she decides to do some of her own research.  She may look at those videos with the screeching, angry Dommes brutally terrorizing their boy and think she could never do that.  She may read article after article, blog post after blog post, talking about rules, discipline, sessions, safewords, expectations, and punishments, and feel like it’s all too much.  She’ll feel unsure of herself, and her confidence may take a pretty nasty hit.

But she’s a strong woman, she knows you want this, and there are parts of it that really do appeal to her, so she deals with the insecurity, knowing that it will fade and her confidence will grow, and moves forward, adopting a trait or two of what she thinks a Dominant woman should have.

And this is where it seems like 100% of you fuck up.  And there are a couple of reasons why your next actions are so horribly misguided and wrong.

First of all, I know you were nervous as hell when you broached the subject with her, nervous as hell when you waited for her to think about it, come to terms with it, and decide to try it.  This is something you’ve desperately wanted for so long.  And when she finally does agree to try it, you just go nuts.  You want everything, and you want it right now.  You want to be brutally beaten, degraded, dehumanized, humiliated, emasculated.  You want the fantasy.

It’s understandable.  It really is.  I totally get it.

But you get too eager, you want to move too fast, while she’s still unsure and insecure, and still wading her way through all of this newness.  You urge her on, you encourage her to do more, to dive deeper into it, you bound ahead of her, practically dragging her behind you.

An experienced Domme knows how to yank you back, slam you back where you belong, and give you a much-needed reality check.  But she’s not an experienced Domme.  She doesn’t know how to do that.  Moreover, she may not even realize she can.

Instead, she tries to keep up with you, tries to give you what you ask for.  But it’s exhausting.  She feels constant pressure to be something she’s not, because she hasn’t had the time or the freedom to let that part of her grow.

Soon, she’s not doing this because she wants it, anymore.  She’s doing this for you.  To please you.  But she feels like her wants and needs are being ignored, she certainly doesn’t feel Dominant, and the whole thing feels disingenuous.

And your encouragement and urging begins to feel like pressure.  She feels pressured to be what you want her to be.  That pressure kills her lust, kills her desire, and kills any interest she may have had in an FLR dynamic.

So she backs off, she shuts down.  But you were so excited about the early progress, and don’t understand why it’s suddenly come to a screeching halt.  Maybe she just needs more encouragement.  Maybe she just needs more coaxing and more urging.

And in trying to help, you only make the whole thing worse, and push her even further away.

But I mentioned that there are a couple of reasons why you’re wrong, a couple of reasons why you’re making such a horrible decision.  The other reason why this is a huge mistake is that, in your eagerness and enthusiasm, you forget one very, very, very, very important thing:  She is the Domme, you are the sub.  And the female-led relationship needs to be just that: A Female-Led Relationship.

You can’t expect her to be the kind of Domme you want her to be.  She’s going to be the kind of Domme she wants to be.  You may have fantasies about chastity and orgasm denial, where she may have little interest in that, and instead be more sadistic and want more domestic service.  There are specific areas of D/s that will appeal to her, and that she will want to explore.  She’ll start to have her own fantasies.

But you’ve been dreaming about chastity and orgasm denial for years.  It’s not the domestic service that appeals to you.  You crave having access to your cock taken from you.  You crave having that part of you manhood taken from you.  You just want it so bad.

She doesn’t yet know how to put you in your place, so instead she may drop subtle hints that you don’t pick up, because you’re just too eager, you’ve bounded too far ahead, to see them.

And now she’s frustrated, on top of feeling pressured.  Not only is she supposed to change who she is at the drop of a hat and leap into this rather intense dynamic, but she has to be exactly the type of Domme you want.  She has to be your Dominant, she has to control you, she has to own you, but she has to meet all of your sexual expectations and satisfy all of your sexual desires, often with little regard to her own.

But don’t feel bad, this is a mistake that even experienced submissives make.  In fact, I have never lived with a submissive who didn’t make this mistake.

Not sure what I mean?  Alright, I’ll give you an example.  A perfect example of this is something that Kazander used to do.  Feeling horny and wanting attention, he’d pull the covers off of me when we were in bed, just before going to sleep, wanting to give me oral.  And occasionally, I’d let him.  But a lot of the time, I wouldn’t.  And he didn’t understand those times I wouldn’t.

Because it’s fucking cold.  I’m fucking tired.  I want to look at stupid, mind-numbing shit on my phone until I fall asleep.

Those are my desires.  That is what I want.  I don’t want to stay awake for another half hour (or more) when it’s already late and I’m already tired.

And who is the Dominant in the relationship?  Whose desires are important?  Whose wants and needs are to be met first?

How Kazander (and all of the submissive men who make this mistake) should handle that situation is:

1) Don’t just pull the blankets off me without a word.  My body is not yours, you do not have a right to it whenever you want, and the fact that you tried something like that already has me annoyed and turned off, on top of being tired.  Especially for an inexperienced Dominant, who may be used to her man being the aggressor, this may completely squash all budding Dominant impulses.

Kazander thought he was serving me by orally pleasing me, but he was not.  He was serving himself, and by trying it without asking, he was completely ignoring my needs and desires.

He’s horny.  He wants attention.  He wants to play.  I can’t tell you how many men make this mistake, not realizing that they’re being pretty much the opposite of submissive by doing it.

Yeah, no.  Knock that shit off.

2) Watch Femdom porn (stay with me, here).  No, Femdom porn is not the enemy.  Yes, you can actually learn from it.  Look at how the men in those videos relate to their Dominant.  Think about an appropriate way to ask for attention, and use what you see in the video as an example, if you need to.  Think of a way that will feed her Dominant impulses and turn her on, rather than annoy and irritate her, or make her feel pressured to do what you want.  Do not be aggressive, do not be assertive, be passive and compliant.  Instead of throwing the covers off of her, ask her if she’d be willing to let you worship her body.

3) Be passive and compliant.  Be prepared for her to say no to your request.  Or she may end up wanting to do something different.  You may have wanted to give her oral, but maybe she wants to pull you over her lap and spank you, instead.  Or, she may indulge your desires.

4) Accept whatever answer she gives you.  If she says no and rolls over and goes to sleep, for the love of fucking God, do not get irritated.  This is something that will completely destroy even the most experienced Domme’s lust, and will likely turn her off for days.  If she rolls over and goes to sleep, and you want any hope of getting attention the next day, kiss her shoulder, wrap your arm around her, and thank her for keeping you in check.

If she wants to do something else, don’t argue with her.  It’ll start to feel too much like work, and she’ll lose interest (you want her to enjoy Dominating you, don’t you?  So she’ll continue to do it?  Yes?).  Do what she tells you, and then thank her for keeping you in check.

And if she’s feeling generous and indulges you, thank her for it.

Many men with vanilla wives unintentionally make this mistake.  Not only do you push too hard, too fast, but you want her to be exactly what you fantasized about.  You don’t give her the freedom to find her own way, to become her own Domme.

During a time when she’s actively trying to change who she is, and dealing with that process (which is often uncomfortable), she feels like she’s expected to fit this mold that you’ve created for her.  She feels like an FLR is a joke, that it’s all about the man and his desires, way more so than a vanilla relationship is.  At least in a vanilla relationship, she feels like an equal.  In an “FLR,”


“You see the quotations I’m making with my claw hands?”

she feels like she’s being pressured into playing a role to appease you.

If you want her to grow into her Dominance, you need to step back and let her do it.  It won’t be easy, and there will be times you’ll feel ignored.  But do it.  You need to feed those urges, not try to control them.  Be eager, enthusiastic, and willing when she wants to assert her control over you.  Don’t argue when she wants to stop playing with you.

Don’t ever be the aggressor.  Use a more passive way to ask to please her, and accept whatever answer she gives you.  Thank her for her attention.  Thank her for denying you, even if her denial frustrates you.  Even when she’s not feeling very “Domme-ly,” you can work to feed those impulses, just by serving her.

New flash, boys.  A lot of the time, that service isn’t sexy.  You want her to throw you down at the end of the day and fuck you raw with a strap-on the size of your fist.  But when she had a hellish day at work, spent hours running after the kids, and cleaning up after your slovenly ass, the last thing she’s going to want to do is fuck you.

She’s going to want to go to sleep.  And you’re going to be frustrated because you don’t know why she never wants to play with you.  Jeez, she never wants to play.  She must just have a low libido.

Yeah, ditch that fucking mindset now.  You want to know why “women porn” memes look like this?


It’s because you expect her to clean your house and cook your food and raise your kids and manage your finances and basically adopt you after you outgrew your mom, and then you turn around and can’t understand why she never has energy for sex.  Those headaches she complains about?  Yeah, you gave them to her.

This is a problem many vanilla relationships have, too, but when you’re trying to help her grow into her Dominance, then grumble and groan when she asks you to do the dishes, or argue “That’s not what I meant when I said I wanted you to be my Domme,” you’re being the opposite of submissive, and you’re making her feel like you’re a sullen teenager.

Sullen teenagers don’t turn anyone on.

And when trying to assert her Dominance is such a pain in the ass, she’ll often just do the dishes herself, to get it done without having to deal with your bitching.  She doesn’t feel Dominant, she loses some of her enthusiasm for being your Dominant, and she won’t be in any kind of mood to play with you for the rest of the night.

So do what she asks you.  Do things without being asked.  Ask her what she wants.  Ask her how you can serve her.  Sometimes her answer will be fun, like, “Come here and lie across my lap so I can finger you while I watch TV.”

Sometimes her answer will be something that’s fun for her.  Like, “Give me a footrub/backrub/whatever.”*

*Do not try to grope her or make a move during a backrub.  You’re serving her needs, not yours, remember?

And sometimes, her answer will be something not fun at all, but something that will make her life easier.  Like, “fold this load of laundry.”

Whatever answer she gives you, thank her for it.  Show your enthusiasm and your eagerness by your willingness to obey her and bend to her will.  Be enthusiastic in your obedience, even when her command isn’t what you want.  Show her that it’s fun to be your Dominant, show her why she should go through the effort of changing herself to become your Dominant.

Keep your emotions in check.  You’ll be frustrated, and not in the “kinky, fun” way, but emotional outbursts will completely turn her off.

It’ll be difficult, and it’ll take an incredible amount of restraint, and you’ll have to flat-out ignore your own needs and desires for awhile.  But the good news is that you won’t have to do it for long.  If you’ve already fucked up and pushed her away, you’re going to have to do it for longer, but you won’t have to do it forever.

Once she starts taking the reins herself, you’ll be able to gradually (and I want to stress the word gradually) relax.  I’m not saying you can turn into some obnoxious, bratty sub.  But she’ll be more confident in her ability to correct you when you slip.  You won’t have to be quite so vigilant, because she’ll be able to pick up the slack.

Making her feel pressured to be what you want her to be will destroy any effort either of you make.  You’re going to fuck up, you’re going to backslide.  Everyone does, it’s human nature.  And until she feels more confident as a Domme, she probably won’t point it out.  It’s up to you to realize your mistake, and once you do, it’s up to you to acknowledge it and apologize immediately for it.

It’s got to be about her.  Her journey to Dominance has to be her journey.  Your job is to support her and make her happy, and help her feel relaxed around you.

A relaxed Dominant is a happy Dominant.  A happy Dominant is an attentive Dominant.

Being Found Out

Miss Jen,

You put a lot of personal information on your blog.  Do you ever worry about being found out?  How do your submissives feel about the possibility of you being found out, and then their relationship to you being found out?  And what about just IRL?  How do you have three relationships without friends or family finding out?

Curious Guy

Yes, I put a bunch of personal information here.  It’s a blog about my life.  That’s kinda the point.

And as far as being “found out?”  I’m not hugely worried about it, no.  For people who are into the lifestyle, or at least tolerant of it, I don’t care whether they know or not.  My two closest girlfriends know, and while they’re quite a bit more conservative than I am, they don’t judge, and I don’t care.

And even if some judgy prude found out, I couldn’t care less.  Let them make their judgements and hurl their insults.  Honestly, who cares?

But seriously, the chances of me being found out from the blog are slim to none.

First of all, someone would have to know me personally, and stumble onto the blog, and read enough of it to glean the details needed to identify me.  Sure there are plenty of details on the blog that can be used to identify me, but they’re scattered all over the place.  You’d have to do a lot of reading.  And at that point, who cares?  They can’t out me without outing themselves.  Because if they’re all prudish and judgy and whatnot, what are they doing stalking a FemDom blog in the first place?

So no, I’m not worried in the slightest.

As for my boys, they haven’t said anything about it to me, so I assume they’re not worried, either.  They’re big boys; they know to tell me if there’s a problem, or if I’m sharing too much for their comfort level.  My loyalty is to them, not my readers (no offense, y’all, but the people I own are my favorite people).

But I’m careful.  I know that the lifestyle we choose to lead is not hugely accepted by society as a whole.  And I know that all three of them have a lot to lose if they’re found out.  Even if my identity is discovered, Steel and Sounder are safe.  Kazander’s just shit out of luck, but he knew that when he married me, and decided to take that chance.

Now, there may come a time when Steel and Sounder are in the same wagon, but even then, I’m confident that their identities will stay safe.

I will shamelessly lie, cheat, and manipulate the fuck out of anyone to protect their identities.  There is no limit to how low I’ll go.  And I’ve blackmailed someone in the past to keep a boy’s identity secret (and I’m talking actual blackmail, not the fetish-y blackmail).  If you want to try to bring one of my boys down, I’ll bring you down, too, and I’ll bring you down harder.  Simple as that.

And while I may not have the street-thug knowledge and experience that Kazander and Steel have, and I may not have the military/intelligence knowledge and experience that Sounder has, I have my own version of manipulation, my own way of getting into people’s heads, fucking with them, and taking them down.  Usually, I use my powers for good, rather than evil.  But I can turn that around in a heartbeat, and I will, and I have, with no hesitation and no mercy.

But even that is unlikely.  I’ve been doing this for awhile.  Every boyfriend and girlfriend I’ve ever had, except for 2, has been in the lifestyle.  I’m not a liar, but I can lie, and I’ve already got excuses, stories, and explanations prepared for pretty much every situation that could possibly come up.  I’ve got stories for how I met and how I know Steel and Sounder.  If I’m seen by one of Kazander’s friends with Steel or Sounder, I’ve got an explanation for that.  If I’m seen unexpectedly by one of Steel or Sounder’s friends, I’ve got an explanation for why I’m wearing a wedding ring.  If any kind of sex toy is discovered, I’ve got an explanation for that.  If a questionable browser history is discovered, I’ve got an explanation for it.  Questionable texts/pictures on the phone?  I’ve got an explanation for it.  You name it, I can cover it up.

As far as long-term?  There’s an easy explanation for it, and it’s not even technically a lie.  I’m polyamorous.  Kazander and I have an open marriage, and Steel and Sounder are my boyfriends.  And I understand that some men may be uncomfortable with the idea of their friends and family discovering that they’re “sharing a woman.”  And both groups present different problems.

The friends’ reactions and judgments are easy enough to deal with, especially in Kazander’s case, but either Steel or Sounder could use the tactic, too.  All Kazander would have to do if one of his friends started giving him shit is show them a suggestive picture of Puppy, his kinda-sorta-ex-but-maybe-current-girlfriend (I think he has one on his phone.  And if not, he could easily get her to send him one).  None of his friends have to know that the situation is a lot more complicated than him having a girlfriend on the side.  And I mean, think about it.  He’s married, and his wife lets him sleep with whoever he wants.  What guy could give him shit about that?

Again, it’s obviously quite a bit more complicated than that, but his friends don’t need to know that.  All they need to know is that I let him have sex with other women.

Hell, most of them already know that I arranged for a stripper to suck his dick because I lost a bet, owed him a blowjob, and didn’t want to have to do it myself.

And I’ve actually gotten into arguments with his friends about whether or not that counts.  They all say that I didn’t give him the blowjob, so it didn’t count.  The deal was that he would get a blowjob if he won.  He won, and he got a blowjob.  I don’t recall either of us ever specifying that I had to be the one to give it to him.

But Sounder and Steel could do the same thing.  How many guys can say they’re in a steady relationship with a woman who is completely okay with the idea of them messing around with someone else?  A permanent Hall Pass (with restrictions, obviously, but again, vanilla friends don’t have to know that).  What guy could give them shit for that?  All either of them would have to say is, “Hmm, I’m bored.  I think I’m going to go to the bar and see if I can’t end the night with a blowjob.  It’ll give me a fun story to tell Jen about tomorrow when we go on our date.  Great dinner conversation.  Maybe I’ll see if I can snap some pictures of it to send to her.  She likes that.”

There’s nothing any guy could say to that.  You can’t give a guy shit for being in a poly relationship when random drunken (guilt-free) blowjobs are a legitimate option.  Your argument is invalid.

Family is a little trickier, and that’s Kazander’s big concern.  We live next door to his family.  We see them every day.  His parents (when they’re in town, their jobs keep them away most of the year), his uncle, and his sister and her husband all live in that house.  And, for the most part, we all get along.  Kazander says I’m “too mean” when dealing with problems when they do happen to arise, but I solve the damn problem, don’t I?

Besides, it’s not meanness, it’s directness.  I don’t do the whole passive-aggressive, pout-for-three-days, slamming-doors-and-throwing-shit thing that they like to do.  If there’s a problem, I want to deal with it now, not stew about it for days and days.

But for the most part, Kazander’s family likes me.  Life is peaceful and all that.  If they found out that I’m poly, he feels like it wouldn’t matter that he was allowed to have another woman.  They’d treat me differently because I have other men.  His mom, who is somewhat-friendly to me, would start outright treating me like shit (which she already does to my brother-in-law, so I can definitely see that happening), and that means I would start being “less nice” to her.

He feels like his dad would continue to be friendly to me, but wouldn’t understand and it just wouldn’t be the same.  Not to mention all the questions and conversations Kazander would have to deal with from his dad.

So I get it.  I still don’t like the secrecy, I don’t like the idea that polyamory is something we should be ashamed of, but I get it.  It’s best if his family doesn’t know.  If we didn’t live next door, and if he didn’t run their household and their finances, it would be a different story.  But it is what it is.

My family knows certain things.  My sister knows I’m a Domme, and my mom knows I’m poly.  My sister found out I’m a Domme when I was 22-ish and walked in to see me packing to go visit a long-distance sub of mine.  My flogger was sitting on top of my suitcase.  She said, “Nice flogger.”  I said, “Thanks.”  And that was the extent of the conversation.

My mom knows I’m poly because she overheard me talking to a friend when I was a teenager and assumed I was cheating on my boyfriend.  I corrected her, and that was the last we spoke about it until just recently.  We were talking, and I mentioned how laughable I think the idea of monogamy is in general.  She said, “Well, it worked for your dad and me for almost 30 years.”

I laughed and said, “No, it didn’t.  You told me that the last time you two had sex was when my sister and I went to a Spice Girls concert when I was 11.  You told me you were frustrated for years because you kept getting shot down, and you eventually just gave up, because you were tired of feeling undesired.  Until he got sick, I hadn’t even seen the two of you kiss since I was little, and I never once saw you hug or anything like that, unless someone had died.  That’s what I grew up thinking that marriage is.  And my sister thinks that’s why both she and I have some pretty significant intimacy issues.  Sure, there are successful monogamous marriages out there.  But staying together until one of you dies does not necessarily mean the marriage was a success.  If you wouldn’t want your daughters or your granddaughter to have the same kind of marriage you did, it didn’t work.  But people cling to monogamy, even when it doesn’t work, because that’s the only kind of relationship society decided is acceptable.”

So my family knows, but since I’m not particularly fond of my family, I don’t care what they think.  And they know the bare minimum.  My sister knows I’m a Domme, but doesn’t know anything about my dynamic with Kazander.  My mom knows I’m poly, but knows nothing about my relationships with Sounder and Steel.  And I’m perfectly fine with it staying that way.

Family is tricky.  And I’m not about to tell anyone how to deal with their family, nor am I going to argue any decisions that my boys make regarding their family.  Besides, my relationships with Sounder and Steel are less than a year old.  That’s not really something any of us are hugely worried about right this second.  Down the line, that may have to be addressed, but for now, I’m just enjoying the time I spend with them.

Computers cannot swim

Okay, so Kazander accidentally spilled an entire beer on my laptop and fried it. He apologized, of course, and immediately gave me a budget for a new one.

Shit happens. I could have just as easily done it myself. I’m not mad or anything.

Well, I’m a little annoyed, but at myself, not at him. I have a 25k-word manuscript in progress, a 55k-word manuscript I’m almost done with, and a 60k-word manuscript that I’m just over halfway finished with, all on the hard drive. My completed 103k-word manuscript has been backed up a million times and uploaded to both my Google drive and Onedrive accounts, so that’s at least some relief. But I never backed up the ones that are still works in progress.

Because I’m an idiot.

And I have no idea if we’ll be able to retrieve them. Kazander is taking the computer to one of his coworkers tomorrow, and I’m praying desperately that he’ll be able to retrieve those documents.

Because losing those would be devastating. That’s a whole year’s worth of work. I really don’t want to lose them.

But there’s nothing I can do about it either way, so worrying about it serves no purpose.

And with the budget Kazander gave me, I was able to find a pretty significant upgrade from the one I had. So that’s cool. I ordered it and called it a day.

But then, the credit card company decided that charges that I’d made at places I always shop were somehow “suspicious,” and unbeknownst to me, flagged the account and froze my card.

So after going around and around with customer service, I finally got the flagged status removed, and ordered my computer.

But now it’ll take more than a week to get here. I have my phone, but WordPress’ client is so very not mobile friendly, and I can’t do any writing at all, and I feel like I’m going through heroin withdrawal with no computer.


Luckily, I happen to own a darling little sissy slut who stepped in to save the day. Sounder doesn’t use his laptop very much, he uses his tablet instead, so he offered to let me borrow his.

Isn’t he a sweetheart? He keeps insisting that no reward is necessary, but I’ll have to think of something special to do for him. Maybe I’ll tie him to the foot of the bed, and let him fuck himself on a dildo, while I shove another in his mouth, while he’s dressed in stockings, panties, his wig, and lingerie. And I could record him eagerly fucking himself from both ends, and make him admit that he wishes they were real cocks, rather than fake ones, because he’s a sissy who craves being used by real men.

You know, just a thought.

So tomorrow, I’ll have a computer. I’m stoked about that. Because trying to do anything from my phone is a pain in the ass.

In other news, my pet, Southern, will be back in town in May. I’m definitely excited to see him again. And I’m definitely making sure we have fucking batteries this time.

Although what I’d like to do, and what the goal is, is to have a private place to play. We haven’t gotten to really play since I left Alabama. But with his limited availability and my nosy relatives, we haven’t had the privacy at my house. So hopefully that will change this time. He definitely needs a good, thorough fucking.

In the meantime, I decided to let Kazander cum last night, under two conditions. First, he had to be plugged (of course), and second, he had to lick it off my feet.


Bedtime snack

Back to Normal

So the family is gone, and life shifts back to our normal routine.

My mom flew home on New Year’s Eve, and she says she won’t be back.  I’m praying to God that she’s telling the truth.  All of Kazander’s family is joining me in that prayer.

But no, there wasn’t an argument or anything.  She’s not in the best of health, and traveling is just getting too hard on her (if she wasn’t a complete idiot living in denial, it would be a lot easier, and wouldn’t exhaust her, but I hate having her here, so I’m not about to point that out to her).

And the alternative is much better, anyway.  I’ll fly out with the spawn to visit her (I can do that easily, since the spawn seems to have inherited my love of flying).  I can do it on my own terms, for an amount of time I agree to, and (the best part) she only lives a couple of hours away from Steel, so I can go see him.

And then, on the offchance that I have the extra time and cash available, I can swing down to Alabama and see some of my old friends, and Southern.  It’s just better all the way around.

So I need to do what I can to keep her to that.  I’ve already talked to her about flying out sometime in the spring, but we don’t have any set dates yet.  I’ve got to get on that before she forgets how much she doesn’t want to travel.

One nice/terribly awful thing about the family being in town is that they kidnap the spawn for pretty much the entire time they’re in town.  It’s awful because they spoil the hell out of her, so she always has bad habits when she comes back home.  And while her smart-assery is funny as fuck in small doses, that’s really not a habit I want to encourage.

But it’s nice because it gives Kazander and me time to spend together, without having to worry about making too much noise, or being caught in the middle of something we don’t want to be caught in the middle of.

So we’ve taken advantage of that quite a bit.  He’s been feeling a bit more experimental lately, particularly in regards to pain, so we’ve been playing with that.  I’ve been using spankings to both put him in a more submissive mindset, as well as discipline when he needs it.

For the most part, he’s been pretty well-behaved.  I haven’t had to punish him since the post about taking my commands seriously.  The occasional reminder of his place is expected, but that’s all he’s needed.

We’re moving the relationship forward in a few fun ways, as well.  We’ve already established that the switching isn’t the “great idea” we once thought it was.  So we’re still working on figuring out how he’s going to scratch that Domly itch, when it surfaces.  My thought was for him to get a sub of his own, but he was less than enthused about the idea.

So we’ll have to figure that out.  But in the meantime, I’m more than happy having him at my feet, where he belongs.