And part 2

For years, forced bi was a hard limit for Kazander.

Then the idea of cuckolding was introduced.  And at first, it was never thought of as something we’d actually do.  It was just something we talked about for fun.  With that in mind, Kazander felt more comfortable getting into the fantasy of it when we were playing.

Humiliation is his biggest kink, so humiliating him by telling him that I’d never let his cock enter me again, that I would find a real man to fuck me, and make him watch, became one of his favorite things.

Eventually that escalated to me humiliating him by telling him I wanted to make him suck cock, and then to humiliating him by telling him that I would make him get fucked by a man, to know what it feels like to be fucked by a real man.

But of course, we both knew that this was just fantasy.  Hard limits and all.  I don’t fuck with those.

But what he didn’t realize at the time was that, by talking about it in the “heat of the moment,” to turn him on, I was actually conditioning him to actually want it.

Now again, this was a hard limit, so I didn’t initiate that.  That was his choice, he was the one who told me he was comfortable with it.  I, being the sweet, innocent, obliging person that I am, took that and ran with it.

As I am occasionally wont to do.

Fast forward…. Oh I dunno… 4-ish years, maybe?

Forced bi became a soft limit.  Something he was willing to do for me, but reluctant as fuck about it.  That’s the way he was the first time Sounder sucked his dick.  He was really almost at a freak-out level leading up to that, and it took every bit of the control and influence I have over him to keep him calm-ish.

But he discovered that night that maybe he didn’t hate it as much as he thought he would.  Oh, he still didn’t like it, that’s for fucking sure, but he realized it wasn’t really worth the anxiety he felt leading up to it, and sure, he’d be willing to do it again.

I’m serious, y’all.  It is exhausting being right all the time.

So good, that’s something I can work with.  And ever since then, I’ve been subtly working on him, training and conditioning him to becoming a man who would not only be eager to have his dick sucked by Sounder, but would take on a Top-ish role with him, and help me humiliate him.

Basic behavioral modification.  Super easy stuff.  Something I learned working with autistic kids, and it works just as well on grown men.  Kazander never even knew I was doing it.

So this time, there would be no reluctance, no hesitation, he would be perfectly willing to grab Sounder by his hair and force his cock into his mouth.  He even had a couple ideas of his own to humiliate him.

And in that respect, he’s actually meaner than I am.  Like, I had to hold him back on a couple things, to ensure we wouldn’t give Sounder a heart attack.

Fast forward to this past weekend.  After spending the first part of the afternoon feminizing Sounder, I was ready for Kazander to arrive and do his part.

Kazander got there, and we spent a few minutes chatting.  I asked him what he thought of Sounder’s appearance, and he said, “Very pretty.  Turn her around, I want to see her ass.”

Which, of course, I was delighted to do.  I turned Sounder around and pulled his dress up, exposing his black, lacy panties.  And then of course, I told Sounder to turn back around so Kazander could see the front.

It was an awesome night.  We went into the bedroom, and I pushed Sounder to his knees and stuffed Kazander’s cock in his mouth.  Both Kazander and I humiliated him while he sucked, and I got some lovely pictures and a great video.

And I feel it’s important to point out the fact that Sounder was rock hard and dripping during that.

But as hot as that was (and dude, it was fucking hot), the absolute hottest part of the night actually happened before.

I wanted to sit on the couch.  We all sat down, with Kazander and Sounder on either side of me.

For a moment, Kazander and I just talked about how feminine and pretty Sounder was, and when I mentioned Sounder’s growing breasts, he didn’t hesitate at all in reaching across me to grab one.

Then, Kazander turned to Sounder and said, “I want to see you in something sexy.  Go take off the dress and put on some lingerie.”

Sounder got up and asked me which he should wear (he has a collection of sexy, feminine lingerie).  I told him to surprise us, and he turned to obey.  When he came back, he was wearing a sexy, lacy little number that I love seeing on him.

Which was awesome, because it matched his panties.

I told him I wanted him to lie across Kazander’s and my laps.  We adjusted our position, and then he did as he was told, with his head on Kazander’s side, and his feet on mine.  I pulled his panties down, moved my leg so he couldn’t brace his weight on his knees, and spread his ass, exposing that tight little hole I love abusing.

“Look at her pussy,” I said.

“Looks nice and tight,” Kazander said, grabbing a handful of Sounder’s ass.

“It is,” I replied, getting a finger wet and pushing it inside him.  He gasped and moaned softly as I fingered him.  It was so hot.  “You should feel,” I told Kazander.

The only hesitation in him that night came at that moment, when I told him to put a finger in Sounder.  But all it took was a smile from me and a hand over his, and I guided his finger where I wanted it.

And then Kazander was fingering Sounder’s ass.  And really, once he got it in, the hesitation disappeared again, and he was right back to where I wanted him to be.  We started comparing Sounder’s ass to his girlfriend’s, wondering which would be tighter.  I pulled Sounder’s cock out from under him and started teasing it.

He looked so cute, sprawled across our laps like that, half naked, with his panties around his ankles and a man’s finger inside him. And Kazander was so damn hot, getting into his role with enthusiasm and being every bit as mean and degrading to Sounder as I was.

That was the hottest part of an incredibly hot day, and I cannot wait to do it again.

The last two nights

**Notice**

This post contains a picture of needle play.

I love needle play.  The more I do of it, the more I love it.

The more I do it, the more I want to do it.

I was invited to a FemDom dinner at Sadie’s the other night, and asked her if I could grab a couple of hypodermic needles from her.  She opened up her massive box-o-sharp-shit and said, “You’re going to have to narrow it down.  What are you going to use it for?”

“Punishment.”

She grinned — a grin Kazander says he’s seen too many times on my face, and I love seeing on hers.  God, I fucking love that chick — and handed me four needles, still in their packaging.

“Oh wait,” she said, grabbing one more.  “Take this one, too.  If you really want to get your point across.”

I looked through the packaging at the needle inside and my jaw dropped.  “What the fuck is this even used for?” I asked.

“You mean medically?  I have no idea.  It’s pretty, right?”

“Fuck yes it’s pretty!”

20160629_010824

She gave me 4 mean needles (only 3 pictured) and one massive bitch of a needle, that I cannot wait to stick through a scrotum or cock.

So the next time I need to punish one of my boys, those things are coming out.

I had a few needles left over from Sounder’s play party, and decided it was time to try those out.

So last night, I paused the show we were watching and turned to Kazander.

“Is needle play still a hard limit?”

“It’s not a hard limit so much as a soft limit.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I’m willing to try it if it’ll turn you on.”

He says my whole face lit up at that point.  “It’ll turn me on!”

So I pulled out the needles, gloves, and alcohol and practically tore his clothes off.

It didn’t matter that the needles were small, and it wasn’t going to cause him a lot of pain.  It didn’t matter that it was going to be short-lived, and I would take the needles back out soon.

I just wanted to shove pointy things in him.

So I did.

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And they look so pretty

And really, he handled it pretty well.  Once I had all three in, I asked him how he was doing, and he said he was fine.  It wasn’t something he enjoyed, but something he would tolerate for my enjoyment.  And he’s willing to try staples and sutures, as well.

So I’m happy with that.  That was a good night.

Then, tonight, I spent the evening with Sounder.  He wasn’t feeling well, so we decided to skip the playing and sit on the couch, watching TV and having a couple drinks instead.

And I swear, that was my full intention.

But I pulled him close and wrapped my arm around him, and just started running my fingers across his arm, shoulder, and chest.  And when I felt his nipple, nice and hard, through his shirt, I couldn’t help but hurt it.

It wasn’t even really a conscious decision.  I pulled him close because I like having him close.  There was nothing nefarious there.  It was a simple, innocent desire to cuddle.  I ran my fingers across his body because that’s a habit of mine.

Still innocent.

Even the first few seconds that I teased his nipple, it wasn’t with any sort of intention.  But then, with that first little gasp of his, the sadist in me sprang to fucking life and you’d think I hadn’t fed her in weeks.  She was starving, and the only thing that can satisfy that particular hunger is a sweet, adorable sub writhing in pain.

The more I hurt him, the more he squirmed, and the more I wanted to hurt him.  When I reached down and felt that he was hard, it only made me want to hurt him more.

I pulled him closer and bit down hard on the back of his neck, making him gasp.  I dragged my nails up and down his back, I bit him, I pinched him and dug my nails into his nipples and cock, and I loved the way he writhed in my lap.

An hour later than I intended, I finally let him up and grabbed my things to go.  As he was walking me to my car, he said, “I don’t know how you pulled that off.”

“How I pulled what off?”

“We were just sitting on the couch.  Watching TV.  Innocently.”

I grinned.  “There’s no such thing as innocent.”

I swear, y’all, I actually am capable of being completely vanilla and keeping my hands off of my toys when I need to.  I can keep control and not paw at them like pieces of meat.  I know this because I’ve been in public with my subs before.  Because I’ve had subs at family gatherings before.  Everything has been completely vanilla.

So I actually am capable of not treating Sounder like an object to amuse and entertain me.

Just not all the time, apparently.

Something I can work with

There is a commenter on my punishment post who had some questions regarding my stance and the tone with which I answered the question asked.

I initially agreed with the original post, was interested in the response, and saw “you’re full of shit bro.” It struck me that you were looking for people to make posts like that and then kick them in the teeth if you disagreed.
I think the original post makes a legitimate point because of the nature and unilateral imposition of the punishments in D/s relationships is hard to reconcile with “respect” for someone. The “silent treatment” or “cold shoulder” thing doesn’t feel nearly the same as getting hit, at least not to me. The “regulated” nature and certainty of punishment does seem to be an inherent feature of D/s relationships, but that seemed to be a somewhat different issue, albeit perhaps a benefit of D/s.
It also seems inherently more difficult to feel protected enough to communicate real feelings and concerns with someone who has the authority to punish you, especially if the punishment is harsh and physical. The tone in which your response was written suggested that it might be all the more difficult to do that with you, even though you said you encouraged (or even demanded) such communication. I’d be walking on eggshells.
That’s what interested me in the post. I guess that makes me a troll.

See, that makes sense.  Had that been your original comment, a) I would’ve known better where you were coming from, b) it would have invited discussion, rather than snarkiness, and c) it wouldn’t have been construed as rude and obnoxious.

Your first comment made it seem like you were just looking to start drama.  This comment is intelligent and brings up valid questions.  This, I can work with.

The difference is that I don’t have the freedom to give the silent treatment or hit someone without their consent.  I’ll use the most recent time I punished Kazander as an example (which I actually wrote about on the blog).  Twice in two days, he did not take my commands seriously, and his obedience was lax.  I was annoyed.

In a vanilla relationship, I have plenty of ways to express my annoyance.  I can get snarky, I can give the silent treatment, I can get petty, I can tell him off, etc.  And in a vanilla relationship, none of that is done with his consent.

Instead, I pointed out his mistake, told him I was annoyed, and that I wanted to adjust the behavior.  He has a safeword (that he’s technically not allowed to use during punishment, but if there’s something wrong or he doesn’t agree, he’s given the opportunity to be heard.  Should he be refused that opportunity, then the relationship becomes an abusive one, and abusive relationships are bad, regardless of whether or not D/s is thrown into the mix).

This was a minor mistake, so didn’t really require any deep discussion about what caused it.  More significant issues will prompt a discussion beforehand.

I spanked him, gave him aftercare, and life went on.  There was no need to pout for days or punish him in more conventional ways.  There was no need for him to wonder how long I’d be annoyed at him, or how long he’d need to endure the conventional punishment.

None of my subs have ever been made to feel like they can’t talk to me about anything.  Steel is the only one you can ask directly, since he’s the only one with an online presence, but you’re more than welcome to take a look at his blog. Tell me if there’s anything you find there that implies he’s afraid to talk to me about anything.  Or hell, ask him yourself.  He’s got all his contact info there.

Although do so at your own risk.  He’s not widely known for his capacity to suffer lightly those he considers fools.

People I don’t own are not my subs.  My subs have shown me their commitment time and time again, they’ve proven themselves to me, and they have seen parts of me no one else has.  I respect and admire them as subs for their devotion and commitment, and I respect and admire them as men.  I have never and likely will never punish anyone for talking to me about a problem they have.

Obviously, I don’t know the future, and if a sub were to get in my face about the problem, instead of talking civilly, I suppose it’s possible I’d punish them for their method.  But I prefer not to own the kind of person who would do that, anyway, so it’s a moot point.  All of my boys know they have the freedom to talk to me openly and express any issues they may have.  This is something they know because I’ve proven it to them.  And their opinions are truly the only ones I care about.  Someone who makes an assumption about what it would be like to be owned by me, based on one blog post, is obviously free to do that, but it’s nothing but speculation, and holds no weight with me.

And my long-time readers, who have read other Ask a Domina posts, have seen that I’m not going to bite someone’s head off for disagreeing with me.

I’m accustomed to dealing with people who try to get more information before jumping to a judgement.  You want a decent idea of who I am as a Dominant, and how I can respect a man I have the power to punish?  Read.

Or don’t.

You’re free to think whatever you want.  But (this is not meant with hostility) the opinion of a complete stranger just doesn’t matter to me.  I care about the people I own.  I owe them respect, I owe them the opportunity to talk to me without fear of punishment, and I owe them a chance to have their concerns heard, acknowledged, and understood.

Other people are not always afforded that same respect.  If I don’t own you, I have no obligation to be nice to you (and, if you read more of my posts, you’ll find that one of my favorite things to say is, “I never claimed to be a good person”).  If I don’t own you or didn’t create you, I owe you nothing.

That goes for the gentleman who asked this question.  This is the culmination of a number of increasingly frustrating conversations, both in person and via email, about “whether or not D/s relationships work.”  I owe him nothing.  He’s already shown that he’s not worthy of my respect.

And it’s a pet peeve of mine to claim that my relationships don’t work or won’t last, because they don’t conform to someone else’s views of what a relationship should be.  I think that’s intolerant and small-minded.  Different strokes, special snowflakes and all that.

There are expectations of behavior in every relationship.  And there are consequences for not meeting those expectations in every relationship.  The difference in my relationships is that those expectations are much clearer to both parties, and the punishment is much more clear-cut.

But everyone’s different.  Kazander, for example, cannot handle being ignored.  It’s a hard limit for him.  He would much rather be hit than ignored.  All three would prefer a direct punishment to manipulative and petty games that have run so rampant in the vanilla relationships I have either been in or been close to.

Not everyone would agree with that.

But yes, the regulated nature of punishment is the same issue.  Go back to the most recent time I punished Kazander, and let’s think of a vanilla equivalent.

Let’s say, instead of not shutting up when I told him to shut up, he ran his mouth to me in public.  Not many people are okay with their SO calling them out in public.  And then, the next day, instead of ignoring my request to put his cage on, he ignored a request to help me out around the house, or refused to do something he’d promised to do.

In a vanilla relationship, I’d be irritated and annoyed.  And just based on my personality, I would probably tell him off.  It would cause an argument, we’d probably go to bed angry at each other, etc.  Other people may get petty or manipulative or give the cold shoulder.

You absolutely cannot convince me that’s a better way to handle problems within a relationship.  Maybe it works better for you, but for me it’s inefficient, inconsistent, arbitrary, and just causes more problems.

Regulated punishment is none of those things.

There’s no guesswork involved.  There’s no question of how long a punishment will last, like there often is in vanilla relationships.  There’s a distinct beginning and end.  It’s not arbitrary.  It’s consistent.  Everyone is and remains on the same page.

And should I overstep my bounds, by not letting them talk to me, or by punishing them without reason, or by causing them harm, then again, it’s no longer a D/s relationship, but an abusive one.

They’ve given themselves to me, trusting that I’ll protect what they’ve given me.  They’ve opened themselves up and allowed themselves to be vulnerable with me, trusting that I won’t abuse that trust.

The minute I abuse those gifts, I stop being their Dominant and become their abuser.  And all three are strong men.  They’re not going to suffer an abusive relationship.

They cannot punish me, no.  But they can leave the relationship if their needs aren’t being met and their voices aren’t being heard.  It’s on me to make sure they’re given that opportunity.  If I don’t, then I’ve failed as a Dominant.

Don’t touch me

I like to cuddle just as much as the next person.  I love lying in bed with Kazander resting his head on my shoulder, his arms and legs wrapped around me.  I love sitting on the couch with Sounder and pulling him close.  I love when Steel curls up in my lap.

It feels awesome, and I love it.

But there is one thing I love decidedly more than cuddling.  And that is sleeping.

Cuddle all you want.  But when I’m ready to roll over and go to sleep, get the fuck off me and stay on your side of the bed.

Like seriously.  Stay there.  Sleep time and cuddle time do not overlap.

I’ve been told I can be downright mean in the middle of the night if someone comes up behind me to spoon while I’m asleep.

Which, by the way, I don’t remember doing.  But multiple partners have told me that over the years, who have never met or spoken to each other, so I assume it’s true.  And I have gotten better about that.  Now, for whatever reason (maybe I’m just more aware of it) it’ll wake me up, and I’ll make sure I’m nice.

When Kazander has done that, I’ll wake up, put my hand over his, and let him spoon until I get hot or uncomfortable, then I’ll wake up again, push him off me, and go back to sleep.  No meanness.

Also, waking me up in the morning can often require a hostage-negotiator level of tact and diplomacy.  Although again, I’ve gotten better.  I don’t throw my phone at whoever is trying to wake me up anymore usually.

It’s part of my neuroses.  I like my sleep. And I am the polar opposite of a morning person.  I once lamented to Sounder that I had to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn for something (ie, 8 am).

I like my sleep.  And I like my space when I sleep.

Kazander has taken that a step further.  Over the last few months, he’s started to sleep on the couch in the living room.

He’s not there every night, but definitely most.  He maybe only sleeps in bed with me once a week or so.

And I love this arrangement.  Particularly since, regardless of how big the bed is, he likes to sleep on-fucking-top of me.

It’s sweet, and I can’t be mad at him for wanting to be close, but ugh, get off me.

The couch thing didn’t start because of an argument or anything.  We can blame it on the spawn, actually.  She’s not a morning person, either (which makes me sublimely happy), but she does have the habit of coming into our room at 4 or 5 in the morning, wanting to watch TV or some water or whateverthefuckelse a 4-year-old can think of, and falling back asleep either in our bed or in her bean bag chair.

I can wake up, put on Peppa Pig (which I’m convinced was created by angry child-haters bent on getting back at all the people who reproduced.  Like, a bunch of people sat in a room and said, “All these fucking obnoxious kids are everywhere.  We hate them.  How can we get revenge on those stupid assholes who created them?  What is the absolute worst thing we could do to torture them for making all these fucking kids?”  And the answer to that was Peppa Pig.  I’m serious, it’s fucking brutal.  You cannot convince me that show was created under any other circumstances).

What was I talking about?

So I can wake up, get her whatever she needs, and fall immediately back to sleep.  Kazander cannot.  When she comes in at 3am and wakes us up, he can’t get back to sleep.  He’s up for the rest of the night.

So he took to sleeping on the couch, she leaves him alone, he gets a full night’s sleep, and I get the bed to myself and don’t have a 10,000 degree blanket wanting to get all up on me in the middle of the night.

Everyone wins.

And with nights like tonight, it’s actually kind of hot.

We were getting ready for bed, I was standing in the bedroom next to the bed, plugging my phone in, when he came up to hug me.  I smacked his ass, and when he tried his typical move of pushing me off balance so I fall onto the bed, I responded by hip-tossing him onto the bed instead  (which, due to a recent shoulder injury, is a move I’m hugely regretting right now.  Not my brightest moment.  But he wasn’t expecting it, and his reaction was hot, so it was worth it).

I held his arms down and bit his nipples and his ear, grinning when he gasped and squirmed.

Really, he squirms so pretty.

Funny how a knee placed strategically between his legs quiets that squirming, though.

He tried to adjust my grip or move my hand or something, I don’t know, so I let go of one wrist to roughly shove his head to the side and bite his neck, while rubbing his dick with my knee.

“You’re my bitch,” I whispered, gripping his balls hard enough to make him moan.

“Yes, Mistress.”

“Say it.”

“I’m your bitch.”

“Good boy.  Now get the fuck off my bed.  Hurry up, or you’ll end up sleeping in a kennel in the closet.”

He whined once, then got off the bed, dropped to his knees, and kissed my ass like the good bitch he is before going back out to the living room for the night.

Punishment in the day-to-day

Domina Jen,

I’ve never been all that interested in D/s outside of the bedroom.  I guess you’d say I’m a bottom, rather than a sub.  But one of the biggest issues I have with a 24/7 D/s relationship, and the biggest reason I think it doesn’t work in the long run, is this idea of punishment.

You talk about respecting your subs, but how can you respect someone when you punish them?  Isn’t that treating them like children?  How does punishment and the ability to punish a sub for their mistakes fit into a healthy relationship?

Anonymous

Well…

First of all, define “long run.”  Because I have a 6-year-long relationship and two year-ish-long relationships that say you’re full of shit, bro.  Just because it may not work for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.

And I have to laugh whenever people claim that punishment only exists in D/s relationships.  Because it’s absolutely not true.

I’m going to quote Steel here.  You can see a sub’s point of view on it.  Now he’s never been punished by me, but this is not his first D/s relationship, and he’s familiar with the practice.

Anyone who’s suffered through a lengthy drive in silence can attest to the fact that punishments exist in conventional relationships. However, behavior is coded in faux-egalitarianism and therefore erratic and often arbitrary. In contrast, those living in a lifestyle BDSM relationship usually have an explicit binary of power and specific rules which, if broken, lead to a submissive being punished.

Punishment is not an exclusively D/s thing.  Regulated punishment is an exclusively D/s thing.

D/s relationships don’t just work, they work better (in my experience) than vanilla ones, because, in no small part, of those blue sentences up there.

In a D/s relationship, expectations are hammered out in agonizing detail, rules are set and agreed upon, and the dynamic is given quite a bit more attention than in your average conventional relationship.  Partners are expected to talk about their needs/wants/desires/fantasies, sexual or otherwise.  The level of communication required for a successful D/s relationship far surpasses that for a vanilla one.

There are things I know about the men I’ve owned for a year or less that my friends don’t know about the husbands they’ve been married to for a decade or more.  And when you suggest they talk to their husbands, the answer is always the same.  They’re too nervous or scared to say what they want.  They don’t feel comfortable talking about sex.  It’s too taboo.

So when you have a relationship where neither partner feels comfortable enough to talk, how can expectations be hashed out with any degree of clarity?  And when one partner falls short of those unspoken expectations, there’s no telling what kind of behavior that will cause.

In my relationships, if a sub falls short of my expectations, they know exactly what will happen.  I may be angry, sure, or disappointed.  But there won’t be any cold shoulders, pouting, foot-stomping, or passive-aggressive remarks.

There will be a single punishment, with a clear beginning and a clear end, and then life goes on.  There’s no need to bring it up again in two weeks or two months or two years down the line.  And there’s no need for them to continue beating themselves up for a mistake.  It’s handled, it’s over, and we both move on with no fighting or arguing.

Sometimes, of course, a discussion needs to be had about what caused the behavior, and if there are any adjustments that should be made to the relationship.

But if there’s a problem with the dynamic, or if a need isn’t being met, then fuck yes I’m going to punish them for acting out instead of talking to me about it long before it got to that point.  I’m not an unreasonable person, and my subs are not children.  They have a voice.  And they’ve been with me long enough to know that I expect them to tell me when there’s a problem, and that they can expect me to listen patiently, and with compassion and understanding.

If I don’t know something’s wrong, I can’t fix it.  And I take no responsibility for failing to fix a problem I didn’t know existed.  They’re grown-ass men, and I expect them to have the balls to talk to me like an adult instead of acting out like children.  Fuck yes, I will punish them for that 100% of the time.

Still, they have a voice, even in punishment.  Not a loud one, but again, I’m not unreasonable.  If there’s something wrong in a relationship, my goal is to find out what it is and fix it.  But they know what I expect of them.

Now it’s important to note that I have expectations I need to meet, too.  Every Dominant does.  And my subs know that they can always talk to me about those expectations.  I don’t pretend to be perfect.  I know I’m going to fuck up at some point.

Should I fall short of those expectations, do they have the power to punish me?  Hell no.  And should there be a lengthy drive in silence, cold shoulders, or passive aggressive remarks, I know how to remind them of their place and get to the root of the problem.

So no, they cannot punish me.  They aren’t even given the opportunity to do it by more “conventional” methods.  Is that unfair?  Perhaps, but it goes right back to the very first lesson my mentor taught me.

A submissive gives up control for freedom.  A Dominant gives up freedom for control.  I don’t have the freedom to lose my temper or get petty or do any of that bullshit.  I’ve always got to be aware of that.

Do I fuck up sometimes?  Sure.  But I expect my boys to tell me when it happens and help me get back on track.

I actually fucked up just recently, with Kazander.  We’ve been dealing with a shitload of problems with his family (and depending how things go when his parents get home, we might actually be in the market for a new place to live, it’s gotten that fucking bad) and up until recently, I’ve been handling it all.

Weeks of that wears a person down, and I’ll admit, I’d been grouchy all that evening.  And I was unintentionally taking it out on Kazander, snapping at him for no real reason.  Finally, he said:

“I know you’re stressed.  But remember, you’re pissed at them, not at me.”

I immediately realized what I’d been doing.  “Fuck, you’re right.  I’m sorry.”

And things went back to normal after that.  I realized that I was falling short of my expectations of myself, and I was falling short of Kazander’s expectations of me.  And he deserves better than that.  All three of my boys deserve better than that.

Had he been the one snapping at me, I would have spanked him or done some other punishment.  He doesn’t have the power to do that to me, and he never will.

Is that unfair?  Yes, I suppose so.  But a D/s dynamic is an inherently unfair one.  I call the shots.  He doesn’t.  Steel doesn’t.  Sounder doesn’t.  No man or woman I ever own will.

That’s why my relationships work.

Coining!!

What happens when you combine a regular, unassuming coin with some tiger balm?

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This fucking awesomeness, right here.

I went to Sadie’s tonight, and she had just heard about an ancient Chinese healing technique called “coining.”

She’d never heard of it before, but she researched it and, being the sadist she is, fell in love.

Hearing her talk about it made me, the sadist that I am, fall in love.

So after a class on abrasion play (my shopping list just quadrupled in size, btw) she handed me a big, fancy Chinese coin.

Coining is actually a legitimate healing technique that is said to release toxins from the body, just like fire cupping. And as you can see, it leaves fantastic marks, that supposedly stay for days.

Kazander is not a masochist. But even he said there was very little pain involved, and the pain he did experience was minor.

But to look at his back, you’d think I wailed on him. That picture was taken about 20 minutes after I’d finished, and really the picture doesn’t do it justice (I couldn’t get the color to look accurate in my camera).

It’s soooo pretty. And soooo much fun to look at.

If you’re interested in learning how, I definitely recommend finding a professional to teach you. But as far as edgy BDSM play goes, this is on the safer side. All you do is rub tiger balm (or icy hot, or whatever) on a sub’s back, and then use repeated firm downward strokes along the back, moving away from the heart. There are youtube videos of it everywhere. One professional assured a vlogger that it’s safe for pregnant women, elderly, and children (although in the US, people have been reported for child abuse after seeing the marks. I’m not kidding, the picture doesn’t do it justice. If I saw that on a little kid and had no idea it was a relatively painless ancient healing technique, I’d call the police immediately).

It’s often used in conjunction with fire cupping, and Kazander said it was rather relaxing, and felt like a massage. Sure some areas began to hurt after a minute, but he was completely stunned when I showed him the pictures of his back, and he realized how dark the marks are.

He said, “It didn’t feel like you were doing anything.”

So coining. Lots of awesomeness. Yet another technique to add to my arsenal.

 

Nightmare

What do most people do when they wake up from a nightmare?

They might shake it off, grab some water, do something to get their mind off it, then go back to bed.

Which is exactly what I did last night. But I wanted some help getting my mind off of it.

After lying back down in bed, Kazander rolled over, onto his back, resting his head in the crook of my arm, his hand on my thigh, still half asleep.

So I tightened my arm around his neck, choking him. And the way he squirmed and whimpered was so sweet. He writhed next to me on the bed, gripping my arm until I finally let him go, and he lied there, panting.

I spent a few minutes choking him, pinching his nipples, and hurting him. It was fun, but I didn’t wake him up to hurt him.

I grabbed a handful of his hair and shoved him down the bed, between my legs, where I held him there and grinded against his tongue, making him lick me to an orgasm.

Apparently I was a little rough with him. I woke up this morning feeling sore and bruised. When I told him about he, he told me I cut his lip by grinding so hard against him.

Oh well. At least I slept well after that.