I received this comment on my Why Idiots are Idiots post:
I would really like to know your opinion regarding forced feminization.
You see, forced feminization means that a male submissive is being degraded and humiliated by training and transforming him into a more feminine role and body. Does this imply that the femininity is somehow inferior to masculinity? I’m honestly confused about this.
Also, I find it interesting that there is no counterpart “forced masculinization”, where a maledom for example cuts his subs hair short, binds her breasts back and makes her fix his car.
Alright, I’ll be honest, this isn’t the first time I’ve been asked this question, and of course I’ve seen all the articles and angry blog posts talking about how forced feminization is sexist because it reinforces the idea that feminizing a man makes him less, because femininity is less. Usually, I just roll my eyes, shake my head, and ignore it. For many reasons, and I’ll get into a couple here. However, since you were polite in your comment, I’ll take the time to answer.
But before I get into all that, there’s one thing I want to point out, because this mindset pervades many different kinks and fetishes.
The BBW fetish demeans plus size women. Femdom porn demeans women because it’s unrealistic and puts women in overly sexual outfits. Being into blondes or Asians or petite women is demeaning because it fetishizes their appearance. With basically every fetish out there, you have people who say it’s demeaning.
Here’s the thing, though.
I don’t fucking care.
I don’t care whether my fetishes are politically correct or not. I’m not watching porn or feminizing Jessie for social commentary. I’m literally just trying to get off.
It’s what I do, in private, with consenting adults, that doesn’t affect anyone else outside of the people right there with me. It affects literally no one else.
It’s just a fetish. People have some pretty fucked up ones. As long as mentally sound adults consent to the fetish and it doesn’t cause unreasonable damage (No, I’m not castrating a man in my living room because he has a castration fetish), who cares? It’s literally just a fetish.
It’s not like a sexual fetish is going to determine one’s vote.
And sure, maybe the BBW fetish is demeaning. Maybe the only reason some men have been into me was because they fetishized my body.
But quick, guess who still got off on those guys. So why do I care?
So that’s the quick answer. But as far as forced feminization goes, it’s not the right answer.
The seemingly popular idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior is just plain wrong.
The answer is laughably complicated, and yeah, some of it has origins in toxic masculinity, but mostly it has to do with one’s identity. My last post touched on the subject of identity, and the brain’s habit of desperately clinging to that identity.
For most men today, masculinity has been put up on this pedestal and heralded as the end-all, be-all of manhood, to the point that anything feminine, any show of sensitivity or softness or vulnerability leaves a man open to ridicule.
It is a massive part of what it means to be a man. It’s a huge part of manhood as an identity.
And it’s sad, it really is, because it cheapens manhood as a whole. It makes manhood shallow, nothing more than a collection of behaviors and attitudes current society has deemed masculine.
Back in the day, the epitome of manhood was being considered a gentleman. And culturally, what was a gentleman? He was kind, polite, responsible, and protective of those around him, quick to sacrifice his own comfort for the comfort of others. He took care of his responsibilities, he did what was best for those who depended on him, he had the balls to admit when he needed help, and vulnerability or sensitivity were part of his identity.
A gentleman was not an unfeeling dudebro who could outdrink his buddies. His identity as a man was not wrapped up in how masculine he was.
Of course, society back then was very, very far from perfect, so don’t think I’m putting that type of man on a pedestal. I’m simply pointing out that society had a better relationship with masculinity back then.
This hyper masculinity is a relatively recent thing. I’ve read it speculated that it has to do with the rise of women’s rights and feminism being seen as threatening to men of that time, who in turn clung to their masculinity and created the toxic relationship with it that they then pounded into their sons and grandsons and so on until it became a societal norm, something expected from all men.
Whether that’s true or not isn’t the point. The point is that we as a culture have developed an extremely unhealthy relationship with masculinity and masculine behaviors.
Obviously that’s the problem with toxic masculinity, and one of the many effects it has had on many men is that it influences their identity greatly. Masculinity is a huge part of the average guy’s identity. Whether or not that’s a good or bad thing is a different conversation, trust me, this will be long enough. The result is still the same. It’s a big part of who they are.
And what happens when you force someone to give up such a big part of their identity?
It’s uncomfortable, even painful, and, depending on the context, deeply humiliating.
Just as with pretty much anything else, there is a group of people who have fetishized that discomfort and pain, and when performed in a consensual relationship with clearly-defined boundaries and limitations, those people can enjoy the discomfort the same way physical masochists enjoy the pain of being hit.
And it’s true not just with masculinity and femininity, but with anything an individual holds as a major part of their identity.
For example, Kazander and I used to switch for his birthday. My longtime readers are very much aware of how much I dreaded and disliked it, how unnatural and uncomfortable it was for me, how it took days to literally shut off portions of my personality, and even that wasn’t enough to make me a “good” sub. And yes, it was often humiliating. Unfortunately for him (and me), I don’t fetishize receiving that humiliation, and it annoyed me more than anything else.
It was humiliating because my Dominance is such an integral part of who I am, and switching runs so deeply counter to that, it was a constant struggle for me.
But does the fact that I found it humiliating mean that I see submission as inferior to Dominance? No.
For example, you don’t have to be a longtime reader to know how much I respect and admire Jessie. And as it happens, I asked him how he would feel about switching.
Needless to say, he was not a fan of the idea. It would be so deeply uncomfortable for him, he wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. Because that is far outside the boundaries and limitations of what becomes fetishized in his brain.
Because that’s just not who he is. That’s not how he relates to someone in a sexual capacity. That’s not how he and I relate to each other.
Trying to force him to be my Dominant in a session would be far more uncomfortable than putting him in a dress, or even forcing him to take a man’s cock in his ass. The fact that it would create so much nervousness and anxiety in him would absolutely manifest as humiliation.
Does that mean that Dominance is inferior to submission, because he would find it humiliating? No. It’s just counter to who he is.
Have you noticed how effeminate men, or men who don’t have masculinity as such a big part of their identity, don’t feel the same discomfort or humiliation at being feminized? Forced feminization as a tool to humiliate and degrade only works if masculinity plays a central role in who a man is.
As it happens, it’s a societal norm for masculinity to play that big a role in a man’s identity, so it is humiliating and degrading for most men in today’s society.
And yes, toxic masculinity is responsible for the sheer number of men who hold their masculinity as such a big part of who they are. But it’s not any more sexist to fetishize that than it is to fetishize a skin color or hair color or height or weight or literally anything else.
You don’t see forced masculinization because women don’t have that same problem. We don’t hold our femininity as such a huge part of our identity. We have more cultural freedom, so we’re all over the gender expression spectrum. We aren’t particularly attached to one or the other the way men are.
So we don’t feel the humiliation, but we can still feel that discomfort.
Like me, for example. I don’t like sliding too far to either side of that spectrum. Sure, I can dress up and be uber ultra feminine, but I have to be able to move back to the masculine side. You mention a Dom forcing a female sub to fix his car. I can change my body language and speech patterns and be just as masculine as any guy, and talk cars with the best of them, but I have to be able to move back to the feminine side.
Too far in either direction doesn’t cause the same humiliation that it causes in most men, because gender is not as big a part of my identity, but it’s not pleasant, because it’s not who I am.
So I mean, this idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior to masculinity just doesn’t hold up under close scrutiny. It doesn’t work.