Dear Domina Jen,
In a few of your posts you have stated that you used to work as a professional dominatrix. How did you get involved and eventually work/become dominatrix, and do you have any advice or suggestions for someone who is just starting out, or who wishes to become a dominatrix?
Yes, I worked as a professional Dominatrix for a little over a year, while I was living in Alabama.
It wasn’t something I’d ever planned on doing. But when I was working 60-80 hours a week (my boss literally just stopped scheduling me, because she knew I’d just go to all my coworkers and trade shifts, or ask to work their shifts, etc. I worked when I wanted, where I wanted, and worked doubles and triples at least three times a week) and still couldn’t make ends meet, I needed to find something else.
So, since I happen to enjoy Dominating others, and I happen to be good at it, I figured, why the hell not make some money doing it?
I started by creating a separate Fetlife and Collarspace profile, dedicated to it. It was a pretty basic profile, advertising that I was a Pro, offering sessions, and where I lived. I also put up ads on Craigslist (although they kept taking them down, assuming that I was charging money for sex. I just kept putting them back up. Rinse and repeat. But I don’t necessarily recommend that).
And then I waited. Within hours, my inboxes were flooded with messages. Most were from flakes, or people who disappeared after the first message. But 2 or 3 a week ended up being genuine.
I charged $200 for a 2-hour session, and held the sessions in my apartment, in my bedroom. I was rooming with two men at the time, and made sure at least one of them was always home.
I would exchange a few messages with them about what they wanted, limits, fetishes, turn-ons, etc, but usually kept the communication to a minimum until after the first session. Too many times, I would have long conversations with these men, we’d talk about what they wanted, what their fantasies were, and then they’d never show up.
So there weren’t any real long conversations until I met them. I’d find out what they wanted, what they were looking for, and then we’d set an appointment. And if they didn’t show, it would cost them an extra $50 if they ever wanted a session with me in the future.
About half the time with new customers, they chickened out and didn’t show up. The other half, they did show up, and I gave them what they wanted.
It didn’t take long to start getting repeat and regular clients, and I didn’t put as much work into getting new customers. I had very much of an indifferent attitude with them, knowing that I could support myself off of my regulars. As it turns out, quite a few of them were turned on by my indifferent attitude, and I had a lot more new customers.
I never made enough that I could quit my day job. I was living outside my means, in an expensive apartment on a nice side of town that I would’ve been able to afford, had I not been living with my ex who received about a grand a month from the military (he was a vet) for his school, and felt he didn’t need a job, because (these are his exact words, I couldn’t make this shit up), “he already worked for his money.”
Dude was a year older than I was. It’s not like he was retired or anything. Four years in the military was apparently all he felt he needed to do.
So once I got going, I averaged 3-4 sessions a week, and it gave me the freedom to breathe. I could afford rent, and my car payment, and my bills, and I didn’t have to choose whether to spend my last $4 for the week on gas or food.
If I’d kept hustling, I might have been able to fully support myself with that. Especially since my other roommate (the one with a job) had a good sense of business and we talked about the possibility of getting a space to do it on a grander scale.
But we were in the Bible Belt, where the laws are not exactly ProDomme-friendly, and lacked the capital and credit to make something like that happen. So it stayed just a side job, a way to make extra cash.
And, like any other job, some days were better than others. Some of my clients, I genuinely looked forward to seeing. Others bored me out of my mind.
There was this one boy, maybe my second or third session in, who was literally the most boring human alive. No matter what I did to him, there was no reaction whatsoever. Time just crawled by, and that 2-hour session felt longer than the 14-hour shift I’d worked the day before. It was awful.
And there were times I had to pretend to like fetishes that I had no interest in. Those sessions were not about me. They were about satisfying the fantasies and fetishes of the men who paid me for my time. With some of my clients, our interests overlapped enough that I could more or less be myself with them.
But with most of my clients, I didn’t feel Dominant. I was Topping them, sure. But they were the ones in control. I did what they told me to. I did what they wanted. And I made sure they left satisfied.
So being a Pro is not the same as being a lifestyle Domme, and there were times I felt burned out from all of it. I remember one day in particular, I’d taken off of work because I had two back-to-back sessions planned, and I woke up that morning just dreading the two sessions. That was the last thing I wanted to do that day.
But on the whole, it was fun, and I enjoyed it. I doubt I’d do it again, but I didn’t hate it, and I’m glad I did it. It’s a good experience, and I learned a lot from it. If you’re interested in trying it, I’d definitely recommend going for it. It took a very small amount of work on my part.
Oh, one warning, though. Over time, a strong bond can develop. And that’s a good thing, I still have a couple of boys I talk to, and Southern (who was just in town recently, and I got to play with) was one of my clients. It’s an intense relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes, a boy can take things a bit too far. And that’s where having the sessions at my apartment got risky. More than once, I found it incredibly convenient that my ex was a stocky guy with a quick temper, and my roommate was like, 6’4″ and stocky, with a loud, deep voice and intimidating demeanor. They’ve had to chase off the occasional guy who got too close for comfort.
So that’s definitely something you want to be aware of if you don’t have a designated space, and hold the sessions in your home. But that didn’t happen often, and I thought the reward was definitely worth the risk.
I hope that answers your questions. If you have any more, please feel free to ask!