I received this comment on my Feeding the Troll post.
Well, thanks for triggering me with what a lot of guys in my age range have always suspected; being, or even just acting submissive, is a major turn-off for women.
*retreats to safe space*
I’m being cheeky here, but I’m bringing up a serious point: Her attitude is something that has kept a lot of guys like me from even bringing up the topic. Or we sound out our partners in these convoluted ways so as not to attract suspicion. Or we play it up for laughs. And even when we have a partner who seems indulgent, we still keep the idea in the back of our heads that she’s just playing along and slowly losing respect for us. And the way submissive men get portrayed in the media certainly doesn’t help.
Oh, and thanks for sticking up for us.
You’re absolutely right. Bigoted, ignorant idiots are everywhere, and the social stigma surrounding submissive men, particularly in the US, is still going strong.
But I beg you, and every man like you, not to let these idiots discourage you from coming out about who you are.
These idiots don’t just demean and remove value from submissive men, but from all men, and women, as well.
One article discussed the idea of masculinity and submission, and touched on the reasons for so many within the kink community being “uncomfortable” with male submission, including one particular Dom’s reaction: “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”
*Edit* Tough fucking love time, because as I was editing and rereading this longwinded shit in my current mood, I decided to add something, and break it up into two posts. Because before I get into all the psychology and studies and statistics and evidence that shows why idiots are idiots, I want to add something a little more blunt.
This is directed to all submissive men who have been guilty of the attitudes I’m going to address, not specifically at the commenter or the specific situations he described. And yeah, I’m in a fucking mood, so this isn’t going to be particularly nice. Deal with it. Hopefully this’ll be a wake-up call for at least some of you.
Here’s a life lesson: not everyone is going to be into you. Not everyone is going to want you. Not everyone is going to respect you. But, to paraphrase something I told a BBW who wrote me about the concern that not every man is going to be into BBWs, who the fuck cares?
Welcome to the world of straight women. We’ve only been dealing with the same thing for a few thousand years. You think everyone is into me? You think everyone respects me? You think no one looks down at me?
You think I fucking care?
You think I care that some straight woman, that I will never fuck or be in a relationship with, thinks I’m not a “real woman?” You think I care that a shitload of Doms, who I will never be even remotely interested in romantically or sexually, don’t respect me? In a vanilla equivalent, you think I care that some super fit health nut gets all condescending because I’m a BBW, and tells me I’m not beautiful?
No. I don’t.
Because A) I don’t base my worth as a person on how strangers view me, and B) there is literally no shortage of people who do think I’m a real woman, who respect me, who think I’m beautiful. So fuck the people who don’t. I don’t care.
Dommes everywhere are annoyed as fuck because it feels like submissive men care more about the opinions of strangers, strangers they don’t even want relationships with (like submissive women and Dominant men), than they care about us. The people who desperately want them.
It’s annoying. In most cases, it’s damn infuriating. That Dom said, “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”
Well, I want to tell you all the same goddamn thing.
You have no idea how it feels to be a Domme and constantly feel unwanted because of a submissive man’s insecurity. You’re all so busy worrying about what strangers will think about you, or what vanilla women will think of you, you don’t even realize that you’re completely snubbing the women who adore you.
You’re so goddamn busy being ashamed of who you are, you don’t even realize that your actions consistently make Dommes feel like you’re ashamed of them. You’re so worried about vanilla women and submissive women, you’re completely ignoring the millions of women who are at the fucking munches, waiting for you, hoping you’ll grow enough balls to show the fuck up.
And even when you do find a Domme, you’re so busy trying to keep your dynamic a secret, keep her a secret, that you don’t even notice how shitty you’re treating her, how you’re making her feel.
Do you have any fucking idea how tough it is to be a Dominant woman when, not only do the vanilla world and Maledom world not want you, but even the straight sub men are ashamed to be associated with you?
Do you have any idea what kind of strength it takes to continue being who you are when even the men who say they want you are telling you you’re wrong for being who you are?
You bitch about how jaded and rude we are when you message us. You whine and complain about how hard it is to find a “real Domme.”
Where do you think that comes from? How do you think we got so guarded in the first place?
You did it. You did it by being ashamed of us, you did it by being sexist pigs in your messages to us, continuing the pattern of caring only about yourselves, and your fantasies, and how we can satisfy your desires, while refusing to see us as people. You did it by insulting us or threatening us when we called you out for being sexist pigs.
Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from Dominant men in the last year? Seven.
Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from submissive men in the last year? Thousands.
Want to know how many Dominant men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system? Zero.
Want to know how many submissive men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system? Thousands.
Want to know how many Dominant men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year? Literally zero.
Want to know how many submissive men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year? Literally thousands.
When are you going to wake the fuck up and realize that the Maledom world isn’t the problem?
The bigots are not the problem. Bigots exist in every group. One of you go ask a gay or a trans or a black or a Muslim person how many times they’ve dealt with bigots.
They still have the strength to be who they are in the face of bigotry. Why don’t you?
Male Doms, even the assholes, are not the problem. Submissive women, even the bitches, are not the problem. Vanilla people are not the problem.
You are the fucking problem.
I’ve been a Domme for 15 years. And for 15 years, I’ve consistently had submissive men be ashamed of me. It doesn’t matter that I don’t shout from the rooftops that he’s my submissive. It doesn’t matter that I work hard, and will outright lie, to protect him from being found out.
Because A) our private life is no one else’s business, and B) his ego is too fragile to handle being found out. So I work to keep it from happening. And there is nothing I won’t do or say to protect him.
I will imply that he’s the dominant partner in a vanilla relationship, and if it’s discovered that we’re kinky, I’ll say he’s the Dom (once, when an ex’s sister found a pink collar with the word “Bitch” on it in rhinestones, and he panicked, I told her that he was the Dom, and I was the sub, and I wore the collar. That’s the most extreme, but it’s not the only time I’ve claimed to be the sub).
I’ll tell his friends I suck his cock every day, or that I let him fuck me in the ass. I’ll change details of real stories to make him seem like “the man,” like I did when Kazander told his friends I’d arranged to have a stripper suck his cock. I’ll tell his family that I hurry to fulfill his every beck and call, which is why Kazander still brags to his family and friends that he never changed a diaper. I’ve overheard his guy friends tell him he has me well trained. I don’t care. You know, it’s the whole I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think-of-me-thing, and the my-self-worth-is-not-tied-into-other-people’s-opinions-of-me thing.
Some of his guy friends think I’m a pushover. Some of them, because of things he’s said and things I have said and done, don’t respect me at all.
Go ahead. Ask me if I care.
I do all that, I go that far out of my way, and I will continue to do it, because I can handle it. I can handle people, even people I see and interact with on a regular basis, even relatives and family friends, not thinking highly of me.
I will always do it, with every sub who needs it, because he is worth it to me. Because I care more about him than I do anyone else. And I’ve been dealing with it for 15 years. It’s nothing for me to deal with it. I recognize that it’s not nothing for someone who has never dealt with it to be thrown into that. So I will happily and proudly protect him. As long as that’s enough, I’m content and happy.
But most of the time, that’s still not enough. He’s still too ashamed. Both of himself, and of me.
“No! No one can ever know about you! What if someone finds out? What if something happens? What if something slips out? What if someone walks in on us? What if someone finds out that I like pick-a-fetish? I just can’t handle it. I can’t be proud and unapologetic of who I am! I have to be like everyone else, so people don’t make fun of me!”
You deal with that fucking bullshit for 15 years, and then you tell me how I shouldn’t be jaded and guarded when I get messages from people I don’t know. You deal with being someone’s dirty secret for 15 years, and then you tell me I’m being too hostile.
Go on. I’ll wait.
Fuck the vanilla world and the Maledom world. You’re the ones we care about. And you’re the ones who are hitting us the hardest. Because you’re too busy caring about everyone else more than you care about us.
Want to know why the stigma against submissive men is still going strong? Despite all the shit I’m going to explain, complete with links to the polls and studies, in my next post?
It’s because you’re all ashamed. You’re too scared and too weak and too pathetic to come out and say it’s okay.
Because you’re too damn weak to stand up and say, “Yeah, this is who I am. Don’t like it? Fuck you.”
And that stigma is never going to change as long as you children can’t man the fuck up and be who you are. You’re all still stuck in high school, worried about being made fun of by the jocks and the cool kids.
No but yeah, keep whining about how hard it is to be a submissive man in today’s world. Keep telling me how it feels to know that the vanilla world and the Maledom world don’t respect you. Keep telling me just how awful it is.
And then go to a munch, and look at all the Dominant women there, and count how many of them have a submissive man willing to be seen in public with them. Count how many of them have met their sub’s friends and family. Count how many of them have ever been seen as anything more than a dirty fucking secret.
Count how many submissive men are proud to be with the women who want them.
Seriously, many of you are even worse than the bigots. And you’re too busy being self-centered, insecure children to even notice what you’re doing to the women who love you.
So yeah, that Dom had the right idea. Be a fucking man.
If I’m man enough to be myself despite the fact that a hefty chunk of the population disapproves, if I’m man enough to tell the world to fuck off when they tell me I shouldn’t be who I am and want what I want, if I’m man enough to break free from the sheep, then I fucking expect it of the actual men around me.
Lupus non curat iudicia ovium, bitches. The wolf doesn’t care about the opinions of sheep.
So which one are you?