An open letter to male Doms

Gentlemen,

I’m going to start off by acknowledging that I’m 100% sure that there are trustworthy, amazing Doms out there.  A few Doms follow the blog, and a couple have reached out to contact me, and my interactions with them have been quite a bit more pleasant than my interactions with 90% of the “submissives” that contact me.

However

I do not know any of these gentlemen in person, so while I do want them to read this and take it to heart, I want them to understand that this is not meant as a slam against them.

I’ve made it no secret that I’m not a fan of male Doms as a species.  Because of this, I have been accused of being a man-hater pretending to be a Domme so I can abuse men, I have been accused of being prejudiced, and I have been accused of lumping a great number of people into one group based on the actions of a few.

The only accusation that holds any weight is the third.  And I don’t know, maybe I am lumping.

But you know what?  When I meet just one male Dom, in person, and can interact with him on a regular basis for six months, without him doing or saying something inappropriate, I’ll rethink my bias.

As of yet, that hasn’t happened.  And I’m not sure why.

I have no idea why literally 100% of male Dominants that I’ve met and interacted with in person (who are still alive today) have said or done something inappropriate, or have said or done something to make me feel uncomfortable around them.

It’s annoying.  Male Doms and female subs comprise the majority of the kink world.  I want to be able to befriend and socialize with these men, but they seem dead set on making that impossible.

Frustrating fucking bastards.

And this isn’t unique to me.  My friend, Keke, wrote about this exact thing on her Fetlife page (she asked me not to share the link).  And her writing, along with a text conversation with a Dom I know in person, and a message I received today from a random Dom douchebag, inspired me to follow her lead and write my own open letter to Dominant men.

Here’s the thing.  I’m a Dominant.  I’m not a switch or a submissive.  I will never be a switch or a submissive.  It never has been, and never will be who I am.

I want you to imagine the hippiest of hippies having to attend and fit in at the most conservative of Republican dinner parties.  Or vice versa.  It’s so contrary to who I am, just the idea of it repulses me.  Some people can switch.  I cannot.

Dominant.  Not submissive.

Also, I am interested in submissives.  Exclusively.  As in, that’s it.

I have no desire to broaden my horizons or step out of my comfort zone or try new things.

If you’re not submissive, or at the very least, interested in exploring your submissive side, then I’m not interested.

When a man gets all Domly with me, it doesn’t turn me on.  It turns me off, creeps me out, and irritates me.  I can’t stand it.

You see, it’s the I’m-a-Dominant-and-want-a-submissive-partner thing.  Opposites attract.  Yin and yang.  All that stuff.

So why do Dominant men have trouble with this?  Why do you always, always have to cross a line?  Do you feel threatened by Dominant women?  Do you not respect Dominant women?  I actually want to know.  If any of my male Dom readers have engaged in this kind of behavior, email me.  I want to know what it is that causes it, and hopefully find a way to fix it.

Because it’s not okay.  You wouldn’t say that shit to another male Dom.  Why would you say it to me?

Even respected members of the community, good men, have crossed this line.  And no, crossing the line doesn’t make you a bad person.  Unaware of what you’re doing, maybe.  But you’re not a bad person.

Let’s take the text conversation, and use that as an example.  This is a man I’ve known for a few years now, very active within the community, and a respected, respectable man.

Last time I saw him, we got to talking about Sounder, and what I want to do to him.  I asked him if he’d be interested in fucking Sounder’s mouth.  He said yes, and gave me his number.

I texted him a couple days later and reminded him who I was.  This was his reply.

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Are.  You.  Fucking.  Kidding me?

 

This was his first message.  And I was instantly uncomfortable.  Red flags and loud sirens went off in my head.

Why?  I mean, really.  Why?

And he is far from the first, or the only Dom to say something like this.

Question, gentlemen:  Why would you say that?  Why would you say it as the first thing you say to me?  Do you see me walking up to you, saying, “Damn, little boy, you look sexy as fuck.  You’d look even sexier wrapped around my cock.”

Yes, I recognize that this particular Dom didn’t go anywhere near that kind of obnoxiousness.  But that is something that a Dom has said to me before.  And unfortunately, a terrible history with male Doms has put me on the defensive.  And now this Dom has to deal with it.

It’s not his fault that the other members of his species are such assholes.  And I recognize that it may not be fair to make him suffer for the crimes of others.  But he sure as hell isn’t helping the situation.

This guy is huge.  And I don’t mean fat.  I’m tall, okay?  I’m not used to people towering over me.  And usually, people don’t.  But he does.  Physically, it would be too easy for him to overpower me.

My mind immediately concocted a scenario, of him and me at Sounder’s house, in the middle of a scene.  What if he decided to cross a line?  I would have a hell of a time defending myself against someone that big, and Sounder’s still dealing with those issues I mentioned.  Issues that would make kicking the Dom’s ass a less-than-stellar idea.

Red flags and sirens, man.

But then, I got ahold of myself.  This is a good guy.  He’s not some evil villain, and he didn’t say anything particularly offensive.

Well, he did, but I’ll get to that.  He thought he was paying me a compliment.  Albeit in a very blunt and aggressive way.

And I get it, gentlemen.  You’re used to being sexually aggressive with your partners.  Even in flirting or conversation, it’s a habit.

I get it, because I have the same damn habit.  I curb that habit around Dominant men (and submissives I don’t own), even Dominant men I find attractive (like the man in the texting example).  I curb this habit for a couple of reasons.

First, because I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with them.

Secondly, because they’re not interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

Thirdly, because I do not have the right to push my opinion about their appearance onto them.  They do not exist for my sexual gratification, and telling someone I’m not in a relationship with, and do not know very well, how sexy they are, aside from being inappropriate, is a way of communicating to them that I see them as nothing more than sexual objects, which I can say or do whatever I want to, without regard to how uncomfortable it may make them feel.

That’s not a compliment, gentlemen.  That’s a catcall.

Knock it the fuck off.

Would you say that to a coworker?  Then why the fuck would you say it to me?

I can’t imagine submissive women would appreciate something like that, but seeing as I’m not submissive, and it’s 3:30 in the morning, so I can’t ask any of the female submissives I know, I’m going to refrain from speaking for them.

 

But honestly, what Dominant woman do you think would appreciate something like that?  What is the thought process there?

And why would a Dominant, an individual who is all about consent and knowing whatthefuck you’re doing, and being aware of yourself and your actions, think that’s a good idea?

Is it because he’s threatened by me, and wants to find a way to assert his Dominance?  Is it because he has no respect for me as a Dominant woman?  Is it because we thinks I’ll switch and sub to him?

I don’t know.  I don’t care.  This, gentlemen, is not an acceptable way to talk to a Dominant woman.  It really isn’t an acceptable way to talk to any woman that you’re not in a relationship with, but that’s another conversation.

And this is why male Doms make me uncomfortable.  Because even the respected, experienced ones think that this is okay.  What else does he think is okay?  What could happen in the middle of a session, when my focus is elsewhere?  What might he suddenly decide is okay?

And can I, in good conscience, take that kind of risk with my submissive?  Do I have the right to put Sounder in a situation where he may be tied up and helpless, and unable to defend against someone who decided to cross a line?  Someone I cannot physically stop?  Someone I would not be able to protect him from?

I contemplated a number of different responses, before deciding that a text conversation is not the appropriate way to discuss why the comment made me uncomfortable.  Instead, I went with a neutral, dismissive response.

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I didn’t bite his head off because I’m choosing to believe that he is unaware of how inappropriate and disconcerting such a comment is.  And again, while this is annoying, I do recognize that my reaction to this is exacerbated by a long, sad history of obnoxious “Doms.”  Without said history, maybe this comment wouldn’t make me uncomfortable at all.  By itself, it’s harmless enough to be shrugged off.

But there is history, and it does make me uncomfortable, and he, sadly, joins the very long list of Doms who crossed that line.  And the “perfect record” still stands.  100% of male Doms I’ve interacted with in person have given me reason not to trust them.

So, gentlemen, use this as a guide for how not to interact with Dominant women.

We are not submissive.  We are not interested in being your submissive.  Whatever your reasons for seeing us as somehow beneath you, get over it.  You’re not helping, and you really make me feel bad for the women you own.

Because if this is how you treat a Dominant woman you have no authority over, how do you treat the ones who serve you?  If you’re unable to see me, a fellow Dominant, as an equal, how do you see submissives?  And if you’re unable to see submissives as your equals, how can you possibly, in good conscience, assert control over them?

And you wonder why so many Dommes don’t like you.  Oh, but it’s because they’re man-haters, right?  It has nothing to do with the vast majority of you being willfully unaware of how inappropriate you are, and so many of you being outright douchebags.

Because to us, you’re just a walking, talking stereotype.  It would be amusing, if it wasn’t so pathetic.  This need to assert your “Domly-ness,” to beat your chest and throw your poop and shout from the rooftops, “Look at me!  I’m a super-Dominant, Domly Dom!  See, watch me be super-Dominant to everyone around me, to prove just how Domly I am!”

I mean, you do realize that’s what you look like, right?  Are you that insecure in your Dominance, that you feel the need to try and exert control over me?  Does my existence feel like a challenge to you?  Does my existence threaten yours?

Look at your behavior.  Listen to what you’re saying.  It’s not your fault that assholes have ruined it for you, but it’s up to you to be aware of what you’re doing, and how you’re contributing to the problem.  You pride yourselves on being strong, “manly men.”  Then man the fuck up, recognize your bullshit for what it is, and fix it.