“My husband asked me to put him in chastity. Help!”

Okay, first of all, relax.  Take a breath.

Your husband isn’t a pervert, he isn’t a freak.  He’s not sick.

He’s also not the only one.

In fact, of the top 10 search terms that lead people to this blog, numbers 4, 6, and 7 are all about male chastity specifically.  This is more common than you think.

But, for all the wonders that the internet brings to our lives, it can also be overwhelming, and most of what you will find online is porn that may or may not be a tad off-putting to someone unfamiliar with the fetish.  Of the advice out there, most is geared toward the husband, or geared toward a woman who already wants it.

And, yeah, I’m guilty of that, too.

If you google “My husband wants me to put him in chastity,” you’ll get something that looks a little like this:

Screenshot (3)

A Yahoo Answers thread, a Reddit thread, a blog post that reads suspiciously like fiction (although I could very well be wrong, I’m sure as hell in no place to judge the content of someone else’s blog), and my post detailing a strategy for a gung-ho wife and reluctant husband.

But what, really, is out there for an unsure, inexperienced, or reluctant wife?  When your husband approaches you with something like this, something you might not have even ever heard of, the internet can sometimes do more harm than good.

So what to do?

Again, relax.  There’s nothing wrong with him for wanting it, and there’s nothing wrong with you for being unsure.

For as progressive as we like to pretend we are, we’re really not a very sex-positive species.  Even within close, intimate marriages, talking about sex can be taboo, uncomfortable, or awkward.  And when sexual desires fall outside the realm of what we assume to be mainstream, that gets even more uncomfortable.

So take a minute and give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s different from everything you know.  It’s okay to be a little freaked out.

But at the same time, there is something you must understand, regardless of what happens from here on out.

I was a professional Dominatrix.  I’ve also been a professional keyholder and a financial Dominatrix.  Which are all just fancy words for men paying me to engage in various BDSM-related activities with them.

And would you like to know what 90% of my clientele consisted of?

Married men.

Why?  Lots of reasons, and we’ll avoid getting into that here, this will already be long enough.  The point is that coming to you with this took a lot of courage on his part, a lot of trust in you, and a lot of hope that this wouldn’t blow up in his face.  This isn’t something all women are open to, it’s not something all women are accepting of, and many men suffer in silence, or they pay professionals.

He hoped that maybe, just maybe, you might be open to it.  Or at least wouldn’t think any less of him as a man or as your husband.

Imagine if you had a fantasy that many might call “depraved” (…and, just between us girls, you know you do).  Imagine telling him about it, asking him to help you make that fantasy a reality.

What if he judges you?  What if he rejects you?  What if he tells his friends?  Your friends?  God, what if your family finds out?  What if he’s freaked out, or disgusted, or can never look at you the same way again?

Pretty scary to think about, right?  Men are conditioned not to show emotion, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.  That fear, that insecurity, that’s what he felt when he brought this to you.  This is something that he likely wrestled with for months, at the very least.

So take a moment to appreciate the fact that he told you.  Regardless of whether this is something you actually want to do, recognize what it took to bring this to you.  It wasn’t easy, and it’s a pretty strong indicator of how deeply he feels for you.

Also, keep in mind that, as you’re reading this, he’s likely swimming in anxiety, waiting to see what your thoughts are, what you’ll think of this fetish, what you’ll think of him.

So maybe take a quick moment to reassure him that you’re not going to run screaming into the night (… because, just between us, you know you’re not).  And that you’re not going to leave him, or think less of him.  It’ll put his mind at ease while you try to figure out what the hell it is he’s asking you to do.

But that brings us back to the problem at hand: What the hell are you supposed to do?

Chastity, for the newbies out there, is the act of putting a device on the penis, preventing touch and sexual pleasure. The device is locked on, and you, as his wife, would hold the key, and therefore control when (or if) he is allowed sexual pleasure.

There are plenty of blogs run by men in chastity, and I’ll share links to a few down at the bottom of this post.

There are, unfortunately, fewer blogs run by women who put their husbands in chastity full-time (I put my husband in chastity, but it’s on a more part-time basis, and I don’t write about it all that often).  But still, reading some of the blogs run by men will help.  It’s not porn (although they do have the occasional steamy recap of the previous night’s activities), and it’s not spruced up and exaggerated.  It’s just a normal guy writing about his daily life in chastity.

Reading these will help you get an idea of what it’s like.  But don’t read them as gospel (and don’t read this post or my writings about chastity as gospel, either).  There are no hard and fast rules for chastity.  It’s what you want, what works for you.

There are tons of benefits to putting your husband in chastity, and a couple of cons.  So let’s go through them.

Pros:

  • Your sex life will improve
    • “But wait, he’ll be locked up, probably for extended periods of time.  How would that improve our sex life?”  I know, it seems counterintuitive, but trust me, there will be a drastic improvement, and I’ll get to that in a bit.
  • Your bond with improve, and strengthen
    • This is an interesting phenomenon that starts with the physical and erotic, but then moves deeper.  By holding the key to his chastity cage, you control when he can access that part of his body.  You become the sole source of his sexual gratification.  He looks exclusively to you for that pleasure.  It will become habit-forming, and he’ll begin looking to you in other areas of life, as well.  It’ll open up a part of him that he’s never had opened up before.  He won’t become emotionally dependent on you, per se, but he’ll definitely show more vulnerability, and won’t feel the need to hide behind that veil of stoicism that so many men hold up as their mask.
  • Doing something “taboo,” or “forbidden,” is exciting
    • Regardless of how old you are, there’s nothing quite like doing something “naughty” to make you feel like a couple of teenagers.  I still occasionally have that feeling, and I’m 32.  I wrote about one time in particular here on the blog.  You feel young, you feel energetic, you feel legitimately excited and enthusiastic.  It adds a new level of fun to your sex life.
  • He’ll become a better husband
    • This one is a bit harder to quantify, but it’s pretty damn consistent with everyone I’ve ever known, who has put their husband in chastity.  He starts thinking about you more, and differently, than he did.  How this manifests depends on your husband and your relationship.  He may start leaving quick, romantic notes for you in the mornings before he goes to work.  He may start doing more little things around the house.  He may bring you flowers on a random Tuesday.  If you’re busy or sick, he may stop on his way home and pick up your favorite carry-out, so you don’t have to cook.  The level of thoughtfulness increases.  And all husbands want to be able to make their wives happy, but far fewer really understand how to do that.  I’d say his level of understanding regarding your needs and desires increases.  He’ll be more in tune with you, and more confident in his ability to make you happy.
  • You’ll become a better wife
    • Of course, we must remember that, even though you hold all the control, this is still a relationship.  He has needs and desires of his own, and it’s your responsibility to make sure he’s happy within the relationship.  But when he starts doing those things I mentioned before, when he feels more in tune with what you want and what you’re feeling, you won’t be able to help but reciprocate.  You’ll find yourself wanting to go the extra mile for him, and for your relationship.  And, because he’ll be much more open with you, you’ll have a much better understanding of how to do that.
  • It will improve your communication with each other
    • As I said, talking about sex and fantasies is hard.  It’s awkward, and that level of communication doesn’t come naturally to us.  But by talking through it and working through the awkwardness, you’ll learn how to talk through other uncomfortable subjects, as well.

The most obvious thing at first will be the sex.  Pretty much all guys, when they think of sex, or any sexual activity, have their focus centered on their cocks.  Orgasm is the goal.

Of course, he wants to please you, as well, I’m not implying that he’s not a generous lover, but all of his sexual energy revolves around one place.  It’s the center of his focus.

Removing his ability to access that part of his body will not diminish his sexual energy, or his libido.  But it’ll change his focus. It’ll remove his penis from the equation, unless you specifically decide to add it.

With him in chastity, he’ll need your permission to orgasm, to touch himself, even to get hard.  And it’s likely that he’ll be extremely motivated to please you, however he can, so that you’ll give that permission.  It starts with a sort-of-selfish desire, but as time goes on, he’ll genuinely equate your sexual pleasure with his own.  He’ll genuinely want to please you, even if his penis remains locked up.

Sex won’t be just about his cock, anymore.  He may give you oral sex, or, if you want to be penetrated, but do not want to let him out of the cage, he could use a strap-on.  Sex will be about you.

Which may sound selfish, and this is something a lot of women struggle with.  It seems really selfish to make him give you oral, to satisfy you, but not get any satisfaction of his own.  It may be uncomfortable at first.

But the denial is part of the fetish.  He wants to be denied that pleasure.  It will be supremely frustrating for him, but there’s a switch that gets flipped in his mind, that turns his frustration into something positive.

I have trouble explaining exactly what that switch is, exactly what happens in his mind.  For that, you’ll definitely be better off reading things written by men in chastity.  They’ll be able to explain it better than I could.  But denying him physical pleasure is an integral part of this fetish.

But there are some cons to the fetish, as well, although most of them will affect the wearer, rather than the keyholder.

  • Discomfort
    • Wearing a cage is an adjustment.  He’ll likely be uncomfortable at first.  The cage prevents erection, and as it turns out, when a man’s body attempts to get hard, but is prevented from that by a chastity device, it causes pain.
  • Discretion
    • Most cages designed for long-term wear are created in a way that makes them impossible to detect under clothing.  But even with that, there are certain situations that might be complicated by the cage (urinals in public bathrooms, for example).
  • Hygiene
    • Maintaining hygiene with the cage can be tedious and time-consuming.  This is something you’ll definitely want to keep in mind when choosing a cage, and definitely look through blogs written by men in chastity, to find the pros and cons of specific kinds of cages.  Some are much easier to deal with, hygiene-wise, than others.
  • The way you relate to each other will change
    • Make no mistake, this will change your relationship pretty drastically.  While, in my personal opinion, the changes are all positive, change can still be frightening and uncomfortable.

So I mean, it’s something that requires some thought before just jumping in.

Still, it could be a lot of fun.  Which brings us back to the original question: What the hell do you do?  Is this even something you want to do?

My advice?  Try it out before making any decisions.

The first thing you need to do is buy a chastity cage.  It’s pretty likely your husband may already have one in mind (he may even already own one).  But get it.

And start with just a day.  Make it a day when both of you are free.  No kids, no work, no pressing errands, nothing to do.  Lock the cage on him as soon as you get up in the morning, and tell him that you won’t take the cage off until that night.

Then, just make a game of it.  You could wear your favorite lingerie and strut around the house, teasing him.  You could make him give you oral repeatedly throughout the day.  You could make him give you a massage, or cuddle together on the couch and watch TV, or anything you want.  It’s supposed to be fun.

And at the end of the day, after you’ve had a few good orgasms, you can unlock him and have some mind-blowing sex.

Try that once or twice.  If you like it, try keeping the cage on for longer.  Make him wear it for a full weekend.  Or a week.  And be assertive.  Hold him to the time you agreed on, even if he wants to take it off halfway through (which is entirely possible in the beginning).  Be his boss, embrace the position of power that he wants you to take.

Part of the denial aspect of this fetish is genuinely wanting to be let out, wanting to orgasm, and being legitimately denied that ability.  So don’t be afraid to tell him no if he wants out.  Have fun with that, too.

It’ll likely be very empowering for you, and it’ll bring the two of you closer together.  Even if you’re nervous at first, I definitely recommend giving it a try.

And, as promised, here are some links to blogs written by men in chastity.  They’re all very well-written and informative, and should be able to provide more insight to daily life with a chaste husband.

Denying Thumper

Steeled Snake

Thrill of the Chaste

The Chaste Cyclist

Male Chastity Journal

Chastity questions

Hello Jen,

How does male chastity benefit a man? I used to own a full male chastity belt and would like to own another one. I’m a type “A” personality that would like a woman who’s dominant in bed. I want to know if men become [different] people while locked away in a belt.
I think the best arrangement is a release once a day for making whoopee while handcuffed to the bed. The wife also cleans/shaves the male box area when needed while her man is handcuffed behind his back. He will be in one form of bondage forever! I also have my toenails painted red at all times. Life’s more fun when your toenails are painted.
PS, are your toenails painted?

 

M’kay, so I definitely recommend chastity for you.  Primarily because, judging by this note, you have fallen into the same chasm so many submissive men fall into.

However, to humor you, I’ll answer your question before explaining why you’re going about this entirely the wrong way.

No, chastity won’t make you a different person.  And it benefits men in plenty of ways.  First, and most obviously, it satisfies the kink that you seem to have.  You’d be surprised how common that kink is.  It’s fun.  Go for it.

Secondly, it strengthens the bond between you and your partner.  The only way you can have an orgasm is through her.  Specifically, through pleasing her.  Whether she wants you to wait a certain amount of time, do enough to “earn” an orgasm, or just unlock you whenever she feels like it (all three have their definite strong points, although the amount-of-time thing is my least favorite).

So you start to associate her, and pleasing her, with pleasure of your own.  You’ll feel closer to her, even when her denial frustrates you.

And it’ll shift the focus from your cock, which, let’s be honest, is where 100% of your focus is now.  That will benefit your partner in the short term (because, let’s be honest, not a single straight woman appreciates that focus.  Even male Doms are held to higher standards by their submissives.  The vanilla ones just don’t realize they have other options).  She’s the one who will benefit from that in the short term.  But it’ll benefit you in the long term, too.

You’ll realize how dumb it is to have your penis be your only erogenous zone, as so many men are conditioned to think.  Your entire life, that’s been your only source for sexual pleasure, and you’ve been thinking that’s fine, you’ve been enjoying yourself.  But when you take that completely out of the equation, you discover other things, that you’d been missing.

Really, if you want a closer look at what chastity looks like from the man’s point of view, I suggest looking at blogs written by men in chastity.  Denying Thumper is a good one.  Steeled Snake, Chaste Cyclist, and Thrill of the Chaste immediately come to mind.  I know I’m forgetting people, too (it’s late, and my brain has basically signed off for the day).  Those are all written by men in chastity (Steeled Snake’s blog is shared by him and his wife, who goes by Steeled Snake Charmer).  They can provide insight better than I can.

But honestly dude, you need it.  Your focus is all about what you want, and at the risk of pissing you the fuck off, I have to tell you I couldn’t help but laugh at your little fantasy.

Your head is in entirely the wrong place.

And I mean, I get it.  You want the fantasy.  Fantasies are awesome.  Trust me, I know.  Fantasies are fucking awesome.

But you’re not going to get it by doing what you’re doing.

So you’re a Type A personality.  Awesome, great.  I have no idea what that means in regards to the kind of relationship you want, nor do I particularly care.  And this is another trap that many submissive men fall into.

I know you’re not a doormat.  I can gather that just from the arrogant tone of your writing (and no, that’s not an insult, and no, I’m not offended by it.  I’m a tad bit on the arrogant side, myself).  I can tell that you’re assertive and go for what you want.

Great.  Fantastic.  Don’t (and this is to all submissive men, btw) shove it down my throat in an effort to prove that “you’re still manly, even though you’re submissive.”  The only reason men have to do that is because they’re ashamed of being submissive, because “submissives aren’t real men” or some shit.  And the only reason they’re ashamed of it, despite the fact that some polls showed that more than half of men share these fantasies, more women prefer submissive men to dominant ones, and major media outlets are working to enlighten the public about toxic masculinity in regards to “butt stuff” and other sexual acts that aren’t considered “ultra macho manly,” is because no one with a penis wants to come out and say that it’s okay.

Which is kind of a huge pet peeve Dommes have about submissive men, by the way.  We’re not ashamed of you.  Stop perpetuating this idea that you should be ashamed of us.  It’s annoying.

Whether you’re a Type A or Type B has nothing to do with how masculine or feminine you are (and I think it’s a horrible system, anyway, that is hugely outdated and overly simplistic, originally designed by cardiologists and funded by the tobacco industry to determine who is more at risk for heart disease – Type A is at a significantly higher risk, fyi).  And has nothing to do with your orientation.  For example, going by that system, I’m a Type B.

I mean, of course I’m a Type B.  Anyone who has known me more than a day would know that.

I don’t understand how some people choose to live their lives with such exhausting levels of anxiety and stress.  I’m way too lazy for that shit.  I also don’t care so much about achievement as I do the journey (you know, since multiple studies have shown that happiness comes from the journey, the pursuit of something, rather than the actual achievement, itself).  And I’m the opposite of high-strung.  I don’t need to compete with anyone, I don’t need to brag about myself, and I don’t need things in my life to be so rigid.

I’m a Type B.

And I’m as Dominant as they come.  I know plenty of other Type B Dominants, just as I know plenty of Type A and Type B submissives.  One has literally nothing to do with the other.

You said that because you’re buying into cultural stereotypes instead of looking at actual facts.  You meant to say that you’re outgoing, assertive, and unafraid to stand up for yourself.  You’re a go-getter.  Ambitious, determined, charismatic, and a natural leader.

You’re in good company.  All three of my boys have those traits.  Kazander is the head of his family (my inlaws), and is the driving force in his group of friends.  At work, even his superiors look to him.  Steel is a master manipulator, and a born persuader, able to get pretty much anyone to do pretty much anything.  He’s cunning and clever, a natural hustler, and knows how to get his way.  No matter what life throws at him, he figures out how to adapt and come at it from a new angle.  He’s not one to stay down long, and he’s done incredible things in his life, brought about by sheer force of will.  Sounder handles a huge amount of responsibility at his work and possesses the emotional and mental stability that has made him the rock in his circle of friends.  People from all walks of life, all kinds of social and economic backgrounds, look to him for guidance.  He’s charismatic, charming, he possesses a quiet confidence that doesn’t need to be bragged about, and he never does anything half-assed.

So whatever thoughts you have in your head regarding submissive men, get rid of them.

I’m guessing, because of the way you worded that sentence, that you’re looking for a “vanilla with a side of kink” type of relationship.  And your concern about chastity changing who you are implies that you’re not looking for any kind of power dynamic, just that specific kink.

So the simple answer?  Yes, longterm chastity will have an effect on your personality, at least in the way you interact within a relationship.  It’s kind of impossible for it not to affect you.  By its very nature, it will change you.

But it won’t, for example, change you from a Type A personality to a Type B one.  There’s very little on this planet that would do that.

As far as what you’re looking for, in all honesty, you’re not going to have much luck unless you go with professional keyholders or ProDommes.  I’m sure you can find lifestyle Dommes who are interested in “vanilla with a side of kink” relationships.  I mean, I’ve literally never met one in person, but I’m sure they exist.

But even if you meet one, she’s going to care very little about what you want.  Any Dominant woman is going to laugh and roll her eyes when you tell her what you told me.

Because chastity isn’t about what you want.  It’s about what she wants.  The keyholder is the one in control.  Not you.

And release once a day???  Are you serious???

And in only one position?  Um, that’s boring af.  I would set the bed on fire.

What’s the point of even wearing a chastity device at that point?  Where’s the denial in being released and having sex every day?  Where’s the control?  What, exactly, does your partner get out of that?  Where is her pleasure factored into your scenario?

I mean, I know you’re arrogant, but please tell me you’re not arrogant enough to think that going through that tedious ritual at your command, then stripping down and riding your cock every day, in the exact same position (unless you decide to really switch things up and do reverse cowgirl) would be satisfying for any woman.

Find me a woman who would go for that.

No Domme would.  She’d laugh you out of the building.

You’d probably have slightly better luck with a submissive, or a switch, but even then, you’re not going to be able to satisfy her desires.  Just as I’m expected to take care of my subs, male Doms are expected to take care of theirs.  No submissive woman is going to put up with that for long if you can’t satisfy her and give her what she needs.

So that leaves you with vanilla women.  You’ll have to find one open-minded enough to go with the chastity thing, and interested enough to indulge your incredibly, laughably high-maintenance desires, but disinterested enough that she doesn’t start doing her own research and discover on her own that you’re kind of dicking her over.

You’re too focused on what you want.  You’re focused on your dick, and how to make it happy.  Which is fine, if that’s what’s been working for you.  But you need to face the fact that what you’re asking for is completely unrealistic.

You’re even being unintentionally demeaning to me, by trying to bring me into your kinks.  Why in the hell does it matter to you whether my toenails are painted, if you’re not looking for something to turn you on?

Nah, bro.  I’m not your jerkoff material.  Thanks, though.

I know this isn’t the answer you want, but it’s the truth.  You have two options.  You can either get exactly what you want from a professional, or you’re going to have to take a long look at what you’re expecting out of a relationship, and how realistic it actually is.

If you want a realistic, real-life situation, you’re probably going to have a power exchange that will extend beyond the bedroom.  But even to vanilla women, submissive men are more attractive than dominant men, anyway.

But the scenario you described, in the kind of relationship dynamic you described, just isn’t going to happen.