How to find a Domme

The most common question I’ve gotten the last couple millennia has been;

I’m a submissive man.  How do I find a Domme?

Your first message should be friendly, polite, show who you are as a person, rather than a submissive, and show a desire to learn about the Dom/me as a person.  I can’t speak for male Doms, but for Dommes, there is nothing more annoying than messages talking only about kink, even if written with the best intentions.

Here’s a common message I get, and something many men seem to think is acceptable.

Dear Mistress/Goddess/Whatever

I saw your profile and I love it.  I’m totally into foot play, and have always wanted a sexy Domme like you to step on me.  I would love blah blah blah (all about his fantasies, his desires, and what he wants from me, without a single detail about who he is outside of his kinks, and without remotely expressing a desire to get to know me outside of the kinks I can satisfy for him).

You’re so sexy and I hope to serve you.

Random well-meaning sub

And the sad thing is that the man who sends this actually thinks he’s doing something good.  And these aren’t stupid or childish people.  The most recent example I got of this was written by an educated, 42-year-old professional.

I’m assuming he’s not an idiot.  Just like I assume almost every other man who writes that same kind of message isn’t an idiot.  So why do men think this sort of thing is okay?

And this is so common, you’d be utterly shocked.

I feel bad for all those men who get so frustrated, just unable to understand what they’re doing wrong.  So, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll explain it. 

Here’s a secret for you: Dommes online are already on the defensive simply because of the messages we get on a daily basis.  We see a message in our inbox from someone we don’t know and are expecting the same thing we always get: online catcalls.  Or insults.

When she opens that messsage, she is expecting you to be a douche.  She has already decided in her head that you’re a douche.  It’s up to you to prove her wrong.  And messages like the one above, while written with the best of intentions, do not prove her wrong.

Starting on literally my third day of being on Collarspace and Fetlife, I was firmly in that mindset.  And without exception, every single message I receive from someone I don’t know, I expect to be either a one-sentence, please-let-me-suck-on-your-toes nonsense, or some crappy, long-winded, please-let-me-suck-on-your-toes nonsense.  I’ve already decided that the author of the message is a tool, before opening the message.

Why?  Because the author of every other message for the past month has been a tool.  Your message is just the next one on the list.

Is it fair to you?  Maybe not.  But it’s your species that did it (and often you, in particular, helped contribute to it), so now it’s up to you to prove her wrong.

And I mean that.  If you’ve ever written to me or approached me on either Fetlife or Collarspace, I want you to know that I thought you were a douche as soon as I saw the light blue name, or as soon as I saw the new message notification on Fet.  I clicked on the message, thinking, “Alright, what does this douche want?”

In most cases, I was right, and you were, in fact, a douche.

In a few, I was proven very wrong.

In this case, I like being proven wrong.  It’s a really good feeling, after days and weeks of online catcalls, to receive an intelligent message written by someone interested in me, rather than the fact that the color of my screen name is red and there’s the word Domina in front of my name.

And seriously guys, that’s pretty sad.  When a Dominant woman opens a thoughtful, respectful message from a complete stranger, and it’s such a rare phenomenon that it literally makes her day, that’s just sad.

A Dominant woman should not be relieved to be seen as a human being by a submissive man.  And the fact that 99% of submissive men online seem to think that this is okay astounds me.  If you go to a munch, do you approach Dommes like that in person?

No.  And do you know why you don’t approach Dommes like that in person?

Because you don’t go to munches.

And that is the single most annoying, irritating, frustrating, sometimes even infuriating thing about submissive men.  You don’t go to munches.  You don’t want anyone to know you’re a sub.

I will take a moment to acknowledge that occasionally, there may be a legitimate reason to need a level of discretion that a bar or restaurant may not be able to provide.  For the other 97% of you, you’re pissing us the fuck off.

Why?  Well, let’s answer that question with another question.  Why won’t you go to a munch?

Whatever reason you may have (and honey, I’ve heard them all), it always boils down to one thing: You’re ashamed.

Pretty it up however you want.  You’re ashamed of being submissive, and you’re ashamed of others knowing that you’re submissive.  You just can’t bear to have your orientation publicly acknowledged.  You can’t bear to have other men know that you’re submissive.

And you all can just fuck right off with that.

Would you like to know what that looks like from our point of view?  Would you like to know what you’re saying to us by keeping all of this so goddamn deep in the closet, it might as well be fucking Narnia?  I’ll break it down for you.

You’re ashamed of being submissive.  Which means you’re ashamed of being the submissive partner in a D/s dynamic.  Which means you’re ashamed of a Femdom D/s relationship.  Which means you’re ashamed of us, and the dynamic we represent.

Which makes us feel unwanted, and undesirable.

That’s what you’re telling us by refusing to be open (among other kinky people) about your orientation.  If you’re ashamed to tell a kinky person that you are submissive, and you’re ashamed to tell a kinky person that you submit to me, then you’re ashamed of me.  And there’s nothing you can say to fix that, there are no words to pretty it up.

Now, does that mean I expect you to shout it from the rooftops?  No, I don’t shout it from the rooftops.  The vanilla folks don’t need to know.  Not long ago, Sounder and I went out for drinks, and no one in the bar knew that he’s my sissy.  Kazander and I go out, or interact with his family, all the time, and no one ever knows.  Steel and I spent three full days together, and transitioned easily from the private dynamic to the public dynamic as needed, and no one knew I own him.

None of them are any less mine, or any less submissive when we’re out among the muggles.  But no one knows it.  Sure, Steel still wears his collar 24/7 when he’s with me, and Kazander couldn’t take his off if he wanted to (even I can’t take it off without breaking the ring that locks it together).  But that’s the only clue, and no one notices.  We’re just a regular couple.

I still have expectations of them, of course.  They don’t stop being submissive to me when other people are around.  But there is no shouting from rooftops.

Even among kinky people, I don’t really broadcast it.  If I’m asked, I’ll tell people I’m a Domme, and if it comes up organically in conversation, then alright cool.  But I don’t announce, “I’m a Dominant, and look at this guy with me!  He’s submissive!”

There’s just no reason for it.

So no, you don’t have to broadcast it.  But you can’t be ashamed of it, either.  If you’re a submissive man, and you’re looking for a Domme, then grow a fucking pair of balls and go to a munch.  Stop hiding behind your computer screen.

The first local group I joined here in town was 90% male Doms and female submissives.  Including me, there were 6 Dommes (although one was a lesbian, and not interested in submissive men, so for purposes of this conversation, she doesn’t count).

Would you like to know how many submissive men there were on a regular basis?

Including Kazander, there was one.

One.  And that one was Kazander, who was so freaked out, he damn near had a panic attack the first night he went, and he saw one of his coworkers there.

He, like many submissive men, was terrified of what could happen if it got out.  But do you want to know what happened with his coworker?


They nodded to each other at the bar, and occasionally engaged in small talk if they were both waiting for drinks at the same time, but that was it.  His coworker (a Dom) never outed him, or even mentioned it at work.  And Kazander realized that there really isn’t anything to be afraid of, and never had a problem going with me after that.

Submissive men are like unicorns in that group.  And when they show up, they’re popular as fuck.  Even with Kazander being collared to me, he never wanted for female attention (hell, two of the Dommes have played with him).

How sad is it that a Dominant woman, highly respected in her community, does not have a submissive to serve her, because he doesn’t want to be seen in public as a submissive?

It’s goddamn infuriating.  And I cannot speak for all Dommes, but no, I will never settle for a relationship like that.  Hell yeah, I said it.  And I’ll say it more directly.

If you’re ashamed of “coming out” as a submissive at a kink event, or a place like a munch or play party, then you’re not even remotely good enough for me.  If you’re ashamed of being seen in public with me, or introducing me to friends/family/whatthefuckever, for fear that someone will find out, then you’re not even remotely good enough for me.

I’m not a kinky booty call that you keep carefully hidden and separated from every other aspect of your life.  I’m better than that, I deserve better than that, and I won’t tolerate anything less.  If you can’t be proud to have me in your life, then it’ll take me literally two days to replace you with someone who is proud.

Every Dominant woman deserves that much respect.  But that’s what you’re saying to us by hiding behind your computer screen and trying to hide us away.

You’re telling us you’re ashamed of us by being ashamed of yourself, and you’re completely objectifying us by those shitty little copy-and-paste messages you send to every red name on the list, thinking that we’re not intelligent enough to realize what you’re doing.

You may be frustrated that you can’t find a Domme, that you can’t find a woman to take you seriously, but to us, you’re just another horny coward who can’t handle us.

When you can see a Domme as a person, show her the respect she deserves, and can be proud of the place she has in your life, you’ll find a Domme to serve.

Or you can continue half-assing your messages, hiding in your little hole, and wondering why the women you objectify won’t give you the time of day.  Let me know how that works out for you.

You’re doing -everything- wrong

Please teach me mistress i surrender and Need long term online training

Okay, I’m flattered that you would want to surrender to me, and would want me to train you, assuming this is coming from a genuine place.

But this sentence is painful, and everything you could have possibly done wrong, you did wrong here.

Like, it’s impressive how much wrong you crammed into this sentence.


So you either wrote that comment to be a sexist jerk and attention whore, or you simply don’t know what you did wrong.

I’m going with the second option, and to help you in the future, I’ll tell you exactly what you did wrong and how to fix it.

First of all, grammar and punctuation matter. This is the only first impression you get, and while you didn’t threaten to rape or murder me (which is an improvement over some messages I get), you damn sure didn’t blow me away with your charm and intellect.

I’m not a huge fan of the online protocol of capitalizing pronouns for Dominants, but titles, when used, really should be capitalized. The fact that you didn’t capitalize anything (except a random N) or use a single bit of punctuation makes you look lazy, and like you don’t care.

Why would I want a submissive like that? Why would I want a submissive who can’t/won’t put forth the effort required to edit and proofread a single sentence? How reliable can I expect that person to be?

You also posted this as a comment on this post, which means you either randomly picked a post from like 6 months ago because you know you’re a troll and don’t want to be embarrassed by having everyone see it (in which case, you really shouldn’t have written it in the first place), or you’ve actually read some of my blog.

But if you’ve read some of my blog (or my Fetlife profile), you know that I don’t like the use of titles by people I don’t own.  Funny enough, a post written the very next fucking day (as in, literally the next goddamn day) explicitly states that I don’t want people I don’t own to use titles when addressing me.

Don’t feel like reading that post?  Or did you happen to miss the part where I said I don’t want boys I don’t own to use titles?  Well, here ya go.

In fact, if I don’t own you, I don’t want you to call me by a title at all.  My name is Jen.

I’m not your Mistress. I’m not your Owner.

I’m a person, dude.

I’m not a fetish delivery system. And sending a message like this one, begging to serve me without a desire to get to know me, and without giving me an opportunity to get to know you, makes you come across as a sexist troll who only cares about the kinks I can satisfy for you.

Yeah, no. That’s what porn and Pro ProDommes are for. That’s not what I do.

Kinks and fetishes can be negotiated. But if I can’t stand you as a human being, there’s no getting around that.

Along that same vein, your message talks about what you need. You tell me what you want from me, you tell me the need you want satisfied, but not even a sliver of a thought is given to how you can serve my needs.

Since, you know, that’s kind of the point of a Femdom relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, talking down to you while you jerk off on cam does not serve my needs.

Even in online relationships, the sub’s job is to serve his Dominant.  Often, this is done financially.  If you can’t be there to massage my feet, pay for my pedicures so someone else can.

But it doesn’t always have to be financial.  Steel isn’t local to me, but he still serves me.  Not financially, he serves me by being my sounding board.  He patiently listens to me vent and rant, and has the unique ability to show me different perspectives without undermining my authority, and can point out if I’m possibly wrong about something without being a dick.  He’s someone whose opinion and wisdom I trust, and someone I know will drop what he’s doing when I need him.

But that’s my point.  He works to improve my life in a real way.  He uses his talents, his strengths, his skills to serve me.  In fact, when Kazander and I were at our worst, it was his skill, his ability to tactfully point out things I might have missed, that showed me how to take a big step toward saving my marriage.

So service doesn’t have to be financial.  But there does have to be some kind of service there.  And you talked about what you want without so much as a hint about what you have to offer.

More than that, you told me to teach you. There wasn’t even a question there. As if you have some kind of right or privilege to me and my time.  As if one poorly-worded message entitles you to my attention.

Fuck everything about that.

So, to recap, this message made you come across as lazy, sexist, rude, and inconsiderate.

And you haven’t yet found a Domme to serve?  What a shock.

But again, I’m choosing to assume you’re actually a good person, just new, inexperienced, and simply unaware of how you’re coming across.

So now I’ve told you what you’re doing wrong. But how do you correct those mistakes for next time?

First, read, goddammit.

Yes, reading is tedious and time-consuming. Do it anyway. Relationships take work.

The Internet gives you the unique opportunity to get to know the person you’re messaging before you message them. Take advantage of that opportunity.

Had you read the very next day’s post on my blog, you would’ve known that I don’t want you to call me Mistress.

Sounder read my blog before messaging me for the first time on Collarspace.

No, not a post or two of my blog. The. Entire. Blog.

All two-hundred-some posts.

Armed with a pretty damn good idea of who I am, what I’ll react well to, and the best way to approach me, he constructed a well-thought-out, intelligent, humorous message that stood out from the other dozen or so I’d gotten that day.

Now, do you have to read my entire blog before messaging me?  No.  It impressed the hell out of me, but it’s not a requirement.

Sissy didn’t read my entire blog before messaging me.  But he wrote a sweet, intelligent message that stood apart from the others I’d gotten that day.  He consistently went above and beyond my expectations and surprised and impressed me.

What Sissy and Sounder have in common is that they both approached me as a person first.  Their messages didn’t list their kinks or their fetishes or their fantasies.  In fact, other than Sissy mentioning that he’s a sissy, and Sounder mentioning some of his past experience, nothing in either of their messages had anything to do with their kinks.  Both messages were polite, courteous, and gave me the opportunity to get to know them as people, rather than a list of fetishes.

Of course, the list of fetishes is important, and will be shared soon after the first exchange of messages.  Sexual compatibility and whatnot.

But again, fetishes and kinks can be negotiated.  Personal compatibility is way more important.  And a man who sees me as a person instead of his personal outlet for experiencing fetishes will always win over the one who spews the list of fantasies and what he wants from me.

So read profiles.  Read blogs.  Put some work into getting to know the person you want to serve.  If, after learning a bit about their personality, you still want to serve them, that’s when you send the message.

You may find out that I spent the evening eating almost half a pint of pistachio gelato while watching last night’s RAW and The Edge and Christian Show That Totally Reeks of Awesomeness (I cried when Edge retired from wrestling a few years ago), listening to Angela Gheorghiu, and reading Deadpool vs Spiderman comic books and decide that I’m not your type.

Or, more likely, maybe you’ll read about me and decide that I’m amazing and wonderful and charming and witty and modest and you totally want to worship the ground I walk on.

So how do you get my attention?

Well, take everything that you did in your first message, and do the exact opposite.

Instead of doing the online equivalent of a catcall (which is what you did, and it doesn’t work any better online than it does in real life, mostly because deep down, you don’t have any more interest in me as a person than the men making catcalls have interest in the objects of their momentary lust), approach me with respect, and courtesy, and show me why you’re worth my time.

If you don’t have a legitimate interest in serving me, then don’t catcall me.  If you do have a legitimate interest in serving me, then take the time to think about how you’re coming across.  If you actually want to serve a woman, then show her in the first message.  Make the effort to be respectful, and to stand out from the rest.

Hopefully, if you actually are a genuine sub, this will help you in the future in your efforts to find a Domme to serve.