So I don’t need caffeine anymore

So did you know that Hal Sparks is in a kids’ show now?

Because I didn’t know he was in a kids’ show now.

Which is why it was funny to walk in to see my 5-year-old watching TV and hearing Hal Sparks’ voice.

Why is that funny?  Because, while he’s done other stuff, to me he will always be Michael from Queer as Folk.

You know Queer as Folk, right?

It’s the show about a group of gay men (and women) that features such wholesome themes as teenage prostitution, huge amounts of homophobia and homophobic slurs, brutal hate crimes, unbelievably high amounts of unprotected sex with strangers, illegal drug use, overdosing on illegal drugs, a 30-year-old having sex with a minor, gangbangs of a man who is high on drugs and passed out… not to mention the fact that it’s practically softcore porn.

It is the literal opposite of family friendly.

I’ve seen every episode of the show like 6 times.  Seriously one of the best shows ever made.

Brian Kinney was my first love.  And to this day, there does not exist another character (or real person) that is more like me.

We have so much in common.  We’re both hot, we both have a robust and healthy self appreciation, we both have a robust and healthy sex drive, we both drive really, really fast, we’re both heartless assholes, and we both find it incredibly hot to see men on their knees (or, you know, bent over).

The differences are that I also find it hot when women are on their knees (or bent over), I’m more manipulative than he is, and I’m tougher than he is.

That, and he has a penis.

Oh and his cancer was testicular.

No apologies.  No excuses.  No regrets.

I remember always looking forward to watching the show every week when I was a teenager.  It came out when I was 14, and I watched every episode without fail.  Thank God my parents never paid attention to me.  It was two years before they realized what I was watching, and when my mom tried to tell me I couldn’t watch it anymore, she knew just as well as I did that she was wasting her breath (by 16, my parents and I weren’t great friends).

The point is that, while I adore the show, I was not totally in love with the idea of my 5-year-old watching it (it’s on Netflix, which she knows how to get into, so while it’s unlikely, it is possible for her to turn the show on if she gets in my account instead of hers).  Also, I know everything she watches when she’s at my house (my inlaws do not share my desire to be aware of what the kindergartner watches.  Which I discovered when she quoted Fry from Futurama to me.  That was a fun day).  So when I walked in and heard Hal Sparks, it got my attention.  He wasn’t on any show that I knew she watched.

But the worst part wasn’t hearing his voice.  Sure, that’s what got my attention, but it wasn’t his voice that started my mini heart attack.

It was the words he was saying.  Which, in that moment, sounded awholefuckinglot like the QAF scene in which Michael is arguing with his boyfriend, Ben, after the teenage prostitute living with them was caught bringing his johns into their home.

Not exactly suitable for my kid.  And naturally, I freaked the fuck out, ran around to the front of the TV, and reached for the remote before registering that it was a kids’ show, and I guess the kids on the show had a garage sale or something without telling Sparks’ character, and sold some stuff in his house, and something about someone taking a nap in his bed.

I don’t know, I stopped paying attention when I realized my kid wasn’t about to watch Ted “strongly urge” Emmett to continue pleasuring him after Emmett said he was done, or Michael telling Ben (who is HIV positive) to keep going when the condom breaks, or Justin giving Brian a blowjob in an alley, then spitting the cum on a poster of an asshole politician, or Brian almost dying from an attempt at autoerotic asphyxiation, or Justin’s dad ramming Brian’s car, totaling it, or kicking the shit out of him, or Ted overdosing on drugs that a stranger gave him after bringing the stranger to his house, or Justin being bashed in the head with a baseball bat.

But I certainly didn’t need any more coffee.  I was completely awake.

And I learned that Hal Sparks is in a kids’ show.