Playlist: Fuck the World, Track 2

Light the fuse and burn it up…

I’m feeling that need for aggression again.  Maybe something a little darker this time.

I’ll be honest, most of this playlist could be comprised of Breaking Benjamin songs.  Benjamin Burnley pretty much has the market cornered on angst (and with good reason, the poor guy’s got several pretty severe phobias and is a recovering alcoholic).

I’m a huge fangirl of the man.  Dude is a fucking musical genius.  Especially once he got sober, but even as an alcoholic, he was just brilliant.

Many bands are dark and aggressive when they first start out, but once they hit it big, their music changes.  They don’t have as much to be angry about when they’ve got an 8-figure bank account.

Which is understandable.  I would probably struggle to find shit to be angry and/or depressed about in that scenario, as well.  I can’t really fault any artist for that.

But Benjamin Burnley does not have that “problem.”  Money doesn’t take away the fact that he’s uncomfortable riding in cars and the band can’t tour in Europe because he has a massive phobia of flying.  It doesn’t take away the panic attack he had while filming the music video for this song because of his phobia of heights (it’s filmed on a high floor of a building, and the first shot in the video is of him with his back to the camera, “looking out the window.”  His eyes were closed in that shot.  Although that’s some damn good acting, to turn around and start singing, like nothing was wrong).

I mean, no amount of money will fix that.  So he’s unique among musicians in that hitting it big didn’t de-angst his music.

Which, on one hand, sucks ass for him.  But on the other hand, it gives him unlimited material for his music, and it keeps him from falling into that complacent contentedness that so many other artists fall into.

I like this song, and it comes second on my playlist, to remind myself that it’s okay to feel dark and down sometimes.  I don’t have to be the stubborn optimist 100% of the time.  It’s okay to let myself be morose and melancholy, maybe like 3% of the time.

Track Two: I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin

Most of the time, I’m stubbornly optimistic.  But sometimes, I’m not.

Sometimes, I’m angry and cold, and just seriously, fuck the world.  Fuck it all to hell, burn it all down, and leave me alone.

I don’t want any part of it.

Sometimes I just want to turn my back on the world, just forget it all, just don’t care about anyone or anything in it.

Is that the right thing to do?  Probably not.  Still don’t care.  All is lost again, but I’m not giving in.

Because sometimes the world just sucks, and there’s nothing you can do but shut it away.

And when it’s all burned down, when there’s nothing left but smoke and ash, I’ll still be standing.  I will not bow, I will not fall, and I’ll survive.

Fall!

Now the dark begins to rise

Save your breath, it’s far from over

Leave the lost and dead behind

Now’s your chance to run for cover

 

I don’t want to change the world

I just want to leave it colder

Light the fuse and burn it up

Take the path that leads to nowhere

 

All is lost again

But I’m not giving in

 

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

Fall!

 

Watch the end through dying eyes

Now the dark is taking over

Show me where forever dies

Take the fall and run to Heaven

 

All is lost again

But I’m not giving in

 

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

 

And I’ll survive, paranoid

I have lost the will to change

And I’m not proud, cold-blooded fake

I will shut the world away

Why I’m an Idiot: Reason #863

My kid’s birthday party is tomorrow.  She’s obsessed with this show, the Octonauts, and wanted a Captain Barnacles polar bear cake.

Alright, I can do that.  No problem.

I went and bought all the decorating supplies, and asked her what color she wanted the cake to be on the inside.  Her favorite color is blue, so I figured she’d want the neon-blue cake mix I found.  But she picked out a red velvet cake instead.

Alright, I can do that.  No problem.

It didn’t occur to me until just now, as I put the cake in the oven, that I’m making a cute, adorable, friendly 3D polar bear birthday cake.

And it will be blood-red when I cut it open.

Around a bunch of toddlers and preschoolers.

And when I voiced this particular concern, my daughter started laughing and jumping around the room, chanting “I’m going to eat Captain Barnacles’ guts!”

She had planned the whole thing.  That’s why she wanted the red cake, instead of the blue.  And I didn’t even think about it.  It didn’t even occur to me to ask why she wanted the red, or to think about what it would look like.

I just got outsmarted by a fucking 4-year-old.

Fuck my whole life.