Silk and steel

That’s something Steel says about me; that I’m soft as silk, and strong as steel (he’s an eloquent bitch, I tell you).  And it’s probably my favorite thing that any sub has said to describe me, followed closely by one of my exes telling me that my voice was like the purr of a lioness.

I don’t shriek, I don’t yell (Kazander has only ever heard me raise my voice once in six years, and it felt odd, getting that loud), none of that.  I stay quiet, even when I’m mad.  My ex said my voice made him think of a lioness, quiet and low, but terrifying, a strange and frightening mix between a purr and a growl.

Relentless.  That’s another word multiple people have used.  All three of my boys are intimately familiar with that trait.

And last night, Steel was sorta-kinda-pleasantly reminded why I never need to raise my voice to effectively get my point across, and why it would be a bad idea to ever piss me off (which made me laugh, when I was in the middle of tormenting him, and he whimpered, “Holy shit, remind me never to piss you off.”)

I spent the day with him yesterday, our first chance to play together since December.  And just like every other time we’re together, it’s just natural, neither of us have to force anything, it just flows.

We don’t even have to think about it.  We can immediately switch between a subdued, public dynamic (in which he still isn’t allowed to call me by my name, by the way), and the much more intense private one.  But even then, it’s just easy being with him.

At one point, we were ordering pizza from a place he liked.  He (being an east coast boy) said, “It’s about as close to New York style pizza as you can get here.”

I, being a west coast girl, and not usually a fan of pizza in general, looked at him and said, “Is there a difference between New York style and everything else?”

Pause…

“Okay Ma’am, we need to rethink this relationship.”

Oh, but fun side note.  He suggested we get the tiramasu.  I’d never tried it, but oh my gawd, it’s like one of my favorite things ever.  Like, ever.

So yay for broadened horizons!

Anyway…

I loved how needy and clingy he was.  And how eager.  I knew he wanted to break for me, and that he was trying to push himself to that point.  Part of me wanted to give him that little extra push he needed, to cross that line, because I know he needs it.  And hell, I wanted it, too.

But then, I stopped, and held him back, instead.  As much trouble as he sometimes has with feeling needy, and with crashing when I get off the phone or computer, it’ll be so much worse once I’ve broken him.

No, that can’t happen until we’re no longer separated by a country, and can see each other more than twice a year.

When he gets in subspace, he can sometimes be a little on the self-destructive side, bounding ahead toward that line between fun and fucking dangerous.  If the one holding his leash isn’t careful, he can run right past that line, and keep going without hesitation.

I won’t let him do that.  I have no problem pulling him back and bringing him to heel.  So when he expressed his desire to break for me, I pulled him back and wouldn’t let him.

But just because I wouldn’t let him break didn’t mean I couldn’t push him hard, and give him something to remember me by for the next few days.

We started off the afternoon with him naked and collared on the bed, eagerly moaning and whimpering while I alternated between hurting him and caressing him.  He was so hungry, so needy.  He wrapped his arms around me and held on to me so tightly, begging to kiss me, and gasping when I bit down hard on his tongue.

And he really is so cute when he begs.  It almost sounds desperate once he gets going, and it always makes me smile.  When he begged to be on his hands and knees for me, to take whatever I wanted to put in him, how could I say no?

He hasn’t had anything inside him since the last time I saw him, so I started slow, just putting a single finger in him and savoring his reaction to finally being penetrated.

And he was so tight.  It felt amazing, being in him.

But he’s a slut, meant to be fucked, and his body quickly relaxed enough for me to put a second finger in.  And then a third.

The third was painful for him, and the way he whined was so intoxicating.  I wanted to make him whine more.

So I pulled out my strapon, a toy he hadn’t been able to take before.  I knew he was stretched out enough to take it without harming him or tearing him, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt like a bitch.

And, as Sounder will readily attest to, I’ve been in a bit of a sadistic mood lately.

Yesterday was no different.  I wanted to hurt Steel.  I’ve wanted to hurt the little masochistic bitch for months, but haven’t been able to.  I was going to make up for lost time.

I pushed the dildo into him smoothly, and he whined and whimpered so pretty as I filled him up.  I fucked him for a good long while, then just left the dildo in him, pushing him over so he was lying on his back.

I left it in him for awhile, then took it out and replaced it with a small plug designed to put pressure on his prostate.  That, I left in him for awhile, while he worshiped my body and fell deeper and deeper into subspace.  Somewhere around that point (chronology always gets fuzzy in my head the next day, I’m sure there are sessions I’ve written about with Sounder, where he raises an eyebrow because I’ve written things out of order) is when he expressed his desire to break, and I pulled him back.

I snapped him out of the subspace and gave him a break, right about then is when we ate dinner (I think).  Then, I pulled out my trusty prostate massager, put clothespins on his nipples and cock, lied him on his side, and held him close while I gave him a long, thorough fucking.

I wasn’t going to break him, but I knew he needed to feel the surrender that a big part of him tends to fight, no matter how much he may want it.  If I wasn’t going to let him break, I would definitely push him to that point of surrender.

For a long time, I did nothing but fuck him, kiss his neck and his ear, and tell him that he’s mine, my toy, and that he’s a good bitch who will take whatever I decide to put in him, whether he wants it or not.

And for a long time, he wanted it.  That hunger kept burning, and he whined and begged and squirmed against me.  Even once it started hurting, his masochism kicked in and he wanted it, wanted more.

After… Oh I don’t know, 45 minutes?  He suddenly started begging for me to fuck him with my strapon again, and that confused me at first, until I realized how much it was hurting.

But no, I didn’t feel like stopping.  And he has no safeword.  And I wanted to really drive that point home.

I do what I want with him, and he can’t stop me.  He doesn’t have that power.  And the more I fucked him, the more he gave himself up to that fact, the easier it became for him to handle it.

When I finally stopped, I lied down next to him and he immediately moved closer to me, wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling close, burying his face against my neck.  Less than a minute later, he was begging me to fuck him with the strapon again.

I laughed, completely in love with his eagerness.  But no, his poor hole was throbbing and hurting and raw, and the size of the strapon wouldn’t be good for him.

When I told him no, he asked for the plug instead.  And the way he begged, the way he gazed up at me, I just couldn’t say no.  The plug is small, I knew it wouldn’t cause him any harm.

So I put it back in, and then pulled him back into my arms.  He went willingly, clinging hard to me and moaning softly.

Really, of all the things I did to him, of all the pain and pleasure and frustration and torment I put him through, the part that always seems to be my favorite is the way he clings to me.  I could literally lie there with him, or sit up with him curled up in my lap, for hours.

At one point, I needed to leave the room to get ice or run downstairs or something (I can’t remember which time it was), he didn’t want me to leave (he didn’t want me to leave any of the times I left the room, but there’s one specific time I’m talking about).  I stood next to the bed and leaned down to give him a reassuring hug before I left, and the way he hugged me made me never want to leave the bed again, for the rest of my life.

The last time anyone touched me like that was December, the last time I saw him.  Granted, I’m not usually an overly touchy-feely person, anyway, and I tend to gravitate toward men (and women) who are the same way.  Hell, Steel is that way with everyone else.

Except me.  The way he clings to me just makes me melt.

Sure, he’s mine, I own him, he wears my collar, and I greedily take every shred of control over his life that he offers up (and will continue to do so once he’s local and I can push him even harder), but if I’m really being honest with myself, that little slut has me wrapped around his finger.

King of the castle

I’m a heterosexual submissive woman who has always been simultaneously turned off and fascinated by submissive men, and I was hoping you could maybe shed some light on them, and why you’re attracted to them.

For me, I’m turned on when I see a man in all his glory, strong, powerful, and in control.  It’s so hot knowing that he has that strength in him.

And it feels so secure knowing that he has everything.  That he can handle everything.  All I need to do is trust him and do what he says and everything will be alright.

I’m a strong woman.  I love the quote “Don’t look for a princess in need of saving.  Look for a queen willing to fight by your side.”  I could never take a weak man seriously.  I need a strong man.  It takes a King to rule me.  Nothing less.

I couldn’t imagine a relationship with a man who isn’t capable of handling me.

But I’ve talked to a couple of submissive men and I’m wondering if maybe I’m way off base here and there’s like this whole element I’m missing.  Am I missing anything here?

What is it about submissive men that you find attractive?  Why do you prefer them over a good Dominant man?

Haven’t you ever just wanted to relax and let someone else take the lead?

No.

No I have not.

I’m guessing you’re a new-ish reader.  Welcome to the blog, and thank you for writing.

But I have to ask…  Did you happen to notice those tabs there on the left?  At the top of the side bar?

Does no one read anymore?

You want to know what I love about submissive men?  That link is a good start.

As turned off as you are by submissive men, multiply that by a few thousand and you’ll begin to hold a candle to a fraction of how I feel about most Dominant men.

They don’t just turn me off.  They literally repulse me.  Whenever a guy starts to get all “Domly” with me, it makes my skin crawl.  Even thinking about it makes me cringe.

Sounder once described a conversation with a Dom douchebag, who told him,”The king gets to fuck the queen, and all you get to do is lie at her feet.”

His response was, “Any weak, self-absorbed asshole can fuck someone.  But to protect and serve a queen requires actual strength and fortitude.”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  You’re into Dominant men.  What turns me off to them probably turns you on.  You and I are apparently on complete opposite sides of the spectrum.

And that’s fine.  That’s the kind of man you want, that’s the kind of relationship you want, and more power to you.  It’s all about what makes you happy.  You seem to know what makes you happy, and that’s a good thing.

But you’ll have to forgive me for raising an eyebrow or two as I read this.

First of all, regarding weak men.  There is nothing wrong with weak men.  Not everyone can be a hero.  Not everyone has that strength of spirit.  I have loved my fair share of weak men, and there’s just something so guileless and trusting and vulnerable in the way they love.  It’s unique to them, and they have their place.  They’re beautiful, their weakness is beautiful.

But I know you don’t think all submissive men are weak (or that all weak men are submissive.  I can list a terrifying number of weak “Doms”).

You’re a submissive and you claim you’re a strong person.  I believe you.  My reasons for believing you, despite the fact that I don’t know you, bear a post of their own, but for now, we’ll just simplify it and say I fully believe you are a strong person.

If you’re a submissive, and a strong person, why would you think that wouldn’t be true for a submissive man?

Have you read any of my posts describing my subs?  They’re the strongest people I’ve ever met.  The things they’ve endured, the things they’ve been through, the way they’ve come out the other side, stronger and harder, is awe-inspiring.  All three of them have impressed and astounded me.  They’re absolutely incredible, and I consider myself lucky to own them.

You talk about kings.  My subs are the kings in my world.  But they do not rule me.  I rule them.

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My world is like chess.  The king doesn’t hold the power; the queen does.  The game is won or lost by her decisions.  The king lives or dies by her choices.  She leads the army, she charges into battle, and she fiercely protects her king.

She’s brutal.  And manipulative.  And relentless.  No one questions her.  No one challenges her.

That’s my world.  And it takes a strong man to handle me, to handle what I put them through, what I make them endure.  I’m not gentle with my boys.  And there have been many who simply couldn’t handle what I wanted.

Kazander, Steel, and Sounder are strong men who can handle me, can handle being owned by me and can handle being in a relationship with me.

That asshat Dom claimed he was a king, but he was just a little boy who wanted to boss someone around.  And sadly, there are a great number of pricks like him.  I could never respect a man like that.  I could never take him seriously.

I love Sounder’s response to him.  But that Dom wasn’t a king.  Sounder is.  He deserves every bit of the respect I feel for him.  He has the strength and fortitude it takes to serve selflessly, to put someone else’s wants and needs before his own.

It’s like a conversation I had with Steel recently, about why I wasn’t actively looking to have penetrative PIV sex.  Because anyone can fuck.  But it takes a special kind of man to give me what I want, who can meet my depravity with eagerness, who can willingly follow me down that dark, twisted path.

Anyone can hold a woman down and fuck her.  Dominant men and the people who like them are fine, and have every right to have what they want, have the relationship they want.  But to me, there’s just nothing special about a Dominant man.  They’re a dime a dozen.  And I’ve only ever met one I could respect.

Submissive men are special.  They’re incredible.  They’re admirable and wonderful, and I could fill page after page with words about how much I love them.

My subs are the kings of my world, and they have the strength and fortitude necessary to serve me selflessly and follow me wholeheartedly.

The last two nights

**Notice**

This post contains a picture of needle play.

I love needle play.  The more I do of it, the more I love it.

The more I do it, the more I want to do it.

I was invited to a FemDom dinner at Sadie’s the other night, and asked her if I could grab a couple of hypodermic needles from her.  She opened up her massive box-o-sharp-shit and said, “You’re going to have to narrow it down.  What are you going to use it for?”

“Punishment.”

She grinned — a grin Kazander says he’s seen too many times on my face, and I love seeing on hers.  God, I fucking love that chick — and handed me four needles, still in their packaging.

“Oh wait,” she said, grabbing one more.  “Take this one, too.  If you really want to get your point across.”

I looked through the packaging at the needle inside and my jaw dropped.  “What the fuck is this even used for?” I asked.

“You mean medically?  I have no idea.  It’s pretty, right?”

“Fuck yes it’s pretty!”

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She gave me 4 mean needles (only 3 pictured) and one massive bitch of a needle, that I cannot wait to stick through a scrotum or cock.

So the next time I need to punish one of my boys, those things are coming out.

I had a few needles left over from Sounder’s play party, and decided it was time to try those out.

So last night, I paused the show we were watching and turned to Kazander.

“Is needle play still a hard limit?”

“It’s not a hard limit so much as a soft limit.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I’m willing to try it if it’ll turn you on.”

He says my whole face lit up at that point.  “It’ll turn me on!”

So I pulled out the needles, gloves, and alcohol and practically tore his clothes off.

It didn’t matter that the needles were small, and it wasn’t going to cause him a lot of pain.  It didn’t matter that it was going to be short-lived, and I would take the needles back out soon.

I just wanted to shove pointy things in him.

So I did.

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And they look so pretty

And really, he handled it pretty well.  Once I had all three in, I asked him how he was doing, and he said he was fine.  It wasn’t something he enjoyed, but something he would tolerate for my enjoyment.  And he’s willing to try staples and sutures, as well.

So I’m happy with that.  That was a good night.

Then, tonight, I spent the evening with Sounder.  He wasn’t feeling well, so we decided to skip the playing and sit on the couch, watching TV and having a couple drinks instead.

And I swear, that was my full intention.

But I pulled him close and wrapped my arm around him, and just started running my fingers across his arm, shoulder, and chest.  And when I felt his nipple, nice and hard, through his shirt, I couldn’t help but hurt it.

It wasn’t even really a conscious decision.  I pulled him close because I like having him close.  There was nothing nefarious there.  It was a simple, innocent desire to cuddle.  I ran my fingers across his body because that’s a habit of mine.

Still innocent.

Even the first few seconds that I teased his nipple, it wasn’t with any sort of intention.  But then, with that first little gasp of his, the sadist in me sprang to fucking life and you’d think I hadn’t fed her in weeks.  She was starving, and the only thing that can satisfy that particular hunger is a sweet, adorable sub writhing in pain.

The more I hurt him, the more he squirmed, and the more I wanted to hurt him.  When I reached down and felt that he was hard, it only made me want to hurt him more.

I pulled him closer and bit down hard on the back of his neck, making him gasp.  I dragged my nails up and down his back, I bit him, I pinched him and dug my nails into his nipples and cock, and I loved the way he writhed in my lap.

An hour later than I intended, I finally let him up and grabbed my things to go.  As he was walking me to my car, he said, “I don’t know how you pulled that off.”

“How I pulled what off?”

“We were just sitting on the couch.  Watching TV.  Innocently.”

I grinned.  “There’s no such thing as innocent.”

I swear, y’all, I actually am capable of being completely vanilla and keeping my hands off of my toys when I need to.  I can keep control and not paw at them like pieces of meat.  I know this because I’ve been in public with my subs before.  Because I’ve had subs at family gatherings before.  Everything has been completely vanilla.

So I actually am capable of not treating Sounder like an object to amuse and entertain me.

Just not all the time, apparently.

Punishment in the day-to-day

Domina Jen,

I’ve never been all that interested in D/s outside of the bedroom.  I guess you’d say I’m a bottom, rather than a sub.  But one of the biggest issues I have with a 24/7 D/s relationship, and the biggest reason I think it doesn’t work in the long run, is this idea of punishment.

You talk about respecting your subs, but how can you respect someone when you punish them?  Isn’t that treating them like children?  How does punishment and the ability to punish a sub for their mistakes fit into a healthy relationship?

Anonymous

Well…

First of all, define “long run.”  Because I have a 6-year-long relationship and two year-ish-long relationships that say you’re full of shit, bro.  Just because it may not work for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.

And I have to laugh whenever people claim that punishment only exists in D/s relationships.  Because it’s absolutely not true.

I’m going to quote Steel here.  You can see a sub’s point of view on it.  Now he’s never been punished by me, but this is not his first D/s relationship, and he’s familiar with the practice.

Anyone who’s suffered through a lengthy drive in silence can attest to the fact that punishments exist in conventional relationships. However, behavior is coded in faux-egalitarianism and therefore erratic and often arbitrary. In contrast, those living in a lifestyle BDSM relationship usually have an explicit binary of power and specific rules which, if broken, lead to a submissive being punished.

Punishment is not an exclusively D/s thing.  Regulated punishment is an exclusively D/s thing.

D/s relationships don’t just work, they work better (in my experience) than vanilla ones, because, in no small part, of those blue sentences up there.

In a D/s relationship, expectations are hammered out in agonizing detail, rules are set and agreed upon, and the dynamic is given quite a bit more attention than in your average conventional relationship.  Partners are expected to talk about their needs/wants/desires/fantasies, sexual or otherwise.  The level of communication required for a successful D/s relationship far surpasses that for a vanilla one.

There are things I know about the men I’ve owned for a year or less that my friends don’t know about the husbands they’ve been married to for a decade or more.  And when you suggest they talk to their husbands, the answer is always the same.  They’re too nervous or scared to say what they want.  They don’t feel comfortable talking about sex.  It’s too taboo.

So when you have a relationship where neither partner feels comfortable enough to talk, how can expectations be hashed out with any degree of clarity?  And when one partner falls short of those unspoken expectations, there’s no telling what kind of behavior that will cause.

In my relationships, if a sub falls short of my expectations, they know exactly what will happen.  I may be angry, sure, or disappointed.  But there won’t be any cold shoulders, pouting, foot-stomping, or passive-aggressive remarks.

There will be a single punishment, with a clear beginning and a clear end, and then life goes on.  There’s no need to bring it up again in two weeks or two months or two years down the line.  And there’s no need for them to continue beating themselves up for a mistake.  It’s handled, it’s over, and we both move on with no fighting or arguing.

Sometimes, of course, a discussion needs to be had about what caused the behavior, and if there are any adjustments that should be made to the relationship.

But if there’s a problem with the dynamic, or if a need isn’t being met, then fuck yes I’m going to punish them for acting out instead of talking to me about it long before it got to that point.  I’m not an unreasonable person, and my subs are not children.  They have a voice.  And they’ve been with me long enough to know that I expect them to tell me when there’s a problem, and that they can expect me to listen patiently, and with compassion and understanding.

If I don’t know something’s wrong, I can’t fix it.  And I take no responsibility for failing to fix a problem I didn’t know existed.  They’re grown-ass men, and I expect them to have the balls to talk to me like an adult instead of acting out like children.  Fuck yes, I will punish them for that 100% of the time.

Still, they have a voice, even in punishment.  Not a loud one, but again, I’m not unreasonable.  If there’s something wrong in a relationship, my goal is to find out what it is and fix it.  But they know what I expect of them.

Now it’s important to note that I have expectations I need to meet, too.  Every Dominant does.  And my subs know that they can always talk to me about those expectations.  I don’t pretend to be perfect.  I know I’m going to fuck up at some point.

Should I fall short of those expectations, do they have the power to punish me?  Hell no.  And should there be a lengthy drive in silence, cold shoulders, or passive aggressive remarks, I know how to remind them of their place and get to the root of the problem.

So no, they cannot punish me.  They aren’t even given the opportunity to do it by more “conventional” methods.  Is that unfair?  Perhaps, but it goes right back to the very first lesson my mentor taught me.

A submissive gives up control for freedom.  A Dominant gives up freedom for control.  I don’t have the freedom to lose my temper or get petty or do any of that bullshit.  I’ve always got to be aware of that.

Do I fuck up sometimes?  Sure.  But I expect my boys to tell me when it happens and help me get back on track.

I actually fucked up just recently, with Kazander.  We’ve been dealing with a shitload of problems with his family (and depending how things go when his parents get home, we might actually be in the market for a new place to live, it’s gotten that fucking bad) and up until recently, I’ve been handling it all.

Weeks of that wears a person down, and I’ll admit, I’d been grouchy all that evening.  And I was unintentionally taking it out on Kazander, snapping at him for no real reason.  Finally, he said:

“I know you’re stressed.  But remember, you’re pissed at them, not at me.”

I immediately realized what I’d been doing.  “Fuck, you’re right.  I’m sorry.”

And things went back to normal after that.  I realized that I was falling short of my expectations of myself, and I was falling short of Kazander’s expectations of me.  And he deserves better than that.  All three of my boys deserve better than that.

Had he been the one snapping at me, I would have spanked him or done some other punishment.  He doesn’t have the power to do that to me, and he never will.

Is that unfair?  Yes, I suppose so.  But a D/s dynamic is an inherently unfair one.  I call the shots.  He doesn’t.  Steel doesn’t.  Sounder doesn’t.  No man or woman I ever own will.

That’s why my relationships work.

Something you do, or something you are?

Mismatched expectations can and will ruin any relationship. Without fail.

In the context of BDSM and female-led-relationships, those expectations carry a lot of weight.

Now, I’m dipping into semantics here, which makes me cringe, but for the sake of clarity in this post, humor me.

In the wonderful world of Femdom, there are two types of men.  There are submissive men, and there are men who submit.

Stay with me, I have a point, I promise.

For the purpose of this post, there is a difference.

Submitting is something you do.

A submissive is something you are.

One isn’t better than the other.  They’re just different.  A relationship with a submissive man will be different than a relationship with a man who submits.

The same goes for Dominant women, and obviously Dominant women can often have mismatched expectations that contribute to the possible end of a relationship, but for this post, I’m focusing on submissive men.

I think one of the common problems that leads to mismatched expectations is that men don’t realize which type they are.  Because there is a difference.

Submission as a kink is great, and a surprising number of men share that kink.  They want to be talked down to, they want to be humiliated or beaten or kept in chastity or forced out of their comfort zone.  But once the sex is over, once they leave the bedroom, the submissive feelings disappear.

Some people might call these men “bedroom submissives.”  Others may say they’re “sexually submissive.” Some may call them “bottoms” or “kinksters.”  It doesn’t matter what the title is, or how they’re labeled, they feel submissive when they’re horny, and when they want their kinks satisfied.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I’m sure as hell in no position to judge someone else for their kinks.

But those men are not submissives.  It’s something they do.

Submissive men, on the other hand, are submissive not necessarily to satisfy a kink, but because being owned in a female-led-relationship is what they crave, at the deepest levels of themselves.  They serve without expectation of having their sexual kinks satisfied.

A good thing to remember is that a FLR does not necessarily have to be a BDSM relationship.  A FLR is exactly that: A Female-Led Relationship.  No more, no less.

Often, D/s is an element added to the FLR, as is BDSM, and then you’ve got the potential TPE thrown in, as well as a bunch of other letters I may be forgetting.

So take the D/s, BDSM, and all the other letters out, and just leave the relationship itself.  Would you still want to serve and be owned, if sex and kink were taken out of the equation?  Would you want to yield to her, would you want to give up control to her?  Would you be happy in that sort of relationship?

Obviously, submissives still have kinks.  I’m not trying to imply that having a kink you want satisfied makes you “not submissive.”  Being submissive doesn’t mean you can’t have kinks, desires, turn-ons, etc.  It just means that your reasons for wanting to serve go further and deeper than having those kinks satisfied.

A submissive man knows that it’s not up to him whether or not his kinks and desires get satisfied. He knows that his kinks and desires take a back seat to making sure her needs, desires, and kinks are met. He knows that it’s completely at her discretion whether he’s rewarded with what he wants.

He knows that she may reward him, if she’s feeling generous and feels like he’s earned it. And she may not. She may decide he hasn’t done enough to warrant a reward. She may have other plans in mind that require his pleasure being temporarily denied. She may just simply not feel like it. Whichever she decides, he knows he must obey, and must give her what she wants, with little to no regard to his needs and desires.

There is a difference between being submissive and wanting kinks satisfied. There’s a difference between submission as something you do and submission as something you are.

The first step toward finding satisfaction within the Femdom world is to figure out which category you belong to. And to be honest with yourself about it.

Now, because I’ve heard this concern from quite a few men in the last few months, I do want to point out a very, very important fact.

Submissive ≠ Doormat

Say it with me, y’all.  And then say it again.

There are a surprising number of men who feel a level of confusion about who they are and what they want in a Femdom relationship, because there’s this mindset that, if a man is submissive, he has to be submissive to everybody.  He has to be a doormat and let people take advantage of him.

He may think, “I feel like I’m submissive, but I can’t be because I don’t let people walk all over me.”

And submissive does not have to be a weak-willed, timid man who can’t stand up for himself.

No.  That is a not a submissive.  That is a doormat.

Now, there are doormats who are submissive.  There are doormats who aren’t.  There are submissives who are doormats.  There are submissives who aren’t.

Not the same thing.

I use my ex as an example.  He was extremely open about being a submissive.  Our male roommate knew.  His friends knew.  Most of his family knew.  Everyone knew.  He never bothered to hide it.

And he was not a doormat.  Quite the opposite, he was pretty fucking obnoxious at times, and very quick to feel like he’d been slighted, and very quick to get confrontational over that imagined insult.  More than once, I had to physically remove him from situations to keep him from getting into a fistfight.  Again.

When a new person found out about him being submissive, there would be any number of reactions.  Sometimes, people would be fascinated and curious.  Sometimes they wouldn’t have any interest, and wouldn’t react much at all.  Sometimes they’d go off on some religious or moral rant.  But the most common question was, “Really?  You’re submissive?”

And every time, he’d nod, gesture to me, and say, “To her.”

Yes, he was submissive.  In and out of the bedroom.  Ours wasn’t a TPE, but it was very much a female-led relationship.

But I was the only one he was submissive to.  With everyone else, he was assertive and aggressive, and kind of a dick.

I hasten to point out that not being open doesn’t mean you’re not submissive. That’s not why I use him as the example.

I use him as the example because he so clearly illustrates how someone can be submissive and your typical, assertive, macho Alpha male.

So not knowing whether you submit or whether you’re submissive can cause issues within a relationship.  You need to know which you are.  You need to know where your desire comes from.

And you need to make sure any potential Dominant knows which you are.  If you’re not a submissive, and she’s looking for a TPE,

image (1)So make sure that’s known from the very beginning. There’s enough else to complicate a D/S relationship. There’s no reason to add to that by having mismatched expectations.

FLR without chastity?

The last couple of weeks or so, I’ve been engaged in casual correspondence with a very young man (we’ll just call him N) interested in joining his local scene and serving a Domme locally (he doesn’t live anywhere near me).

He originally contacted me to ask for advice meeting people. Being under 21 makes going to most munches difficult, being that young makes being taken seriously difficult  (been there, done that), and his experience up to this point has been extremely limited. All of those factors, plus a couple more he’s requested remain private, make for a very frustrated submissive.

I can understand that. Wading through the waist-high sea of bullshit in any dating scene is irritating, but with all of the added elements and intricacies of a D/S relationship, things can get tough.

I get it. I feel for you.

However…

An interesting topic came up early in our conversations. He made the comment that every Domme he’s talked to required chastity, or, at the very least, some form of orgasm control. He said he feels like pretty much every Domme requires this in their relationships.

Yeah… and the sky is blue. What’s your point?

Chastity is a hard limit for him. More so than that, orgasm denial or orgasm control of any sort is a hard limit for him.

This comment was made in passing, in a longer email about something else, but it caught my attention, and I asked about it.

He said,”I don’t need to give up access to my dick to prove my loyalty.”

Um…. what?

Now I do want to point out that there’s nothing he’s said up to this point that makes me doubt his loyalty to a potential Domme, or his intentions.

But a FLR without orgasm control? What does that even look like?

I mean, I understand it in casual weekend-type relationships. But in a full-time FLR?

I just couldn’t get my head around it. So that spurred a discussion about how orgasms affect a man’s mental and emotional state, how keeping him denied benefits both him and his Dominant.

And I don’t know, everyone is different. It’s entirely possible that orgasms don’t affect him the way they affect most men. It’s entirely possible that he’s the poster boy for perfect submission even without orgasm control.

But, as I pointed out to him, many Dominant women prefer to control that aspect of a man’s life. Even in my own relationships, where a complete TPE is my eventual goal, orgasm control is a requirement. I prefer chastity, and keeping my boys caged, but will allow the honor system as well, depending on the boy and the situation.

But for me, it’s not a matter of trust, anyway. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a boy if I didn’t trust him.

No, it’s something I require because it’s hot to deny him access to his own body. There’s a difference between not cumming because he has been told not to, and not cumming because he can’t. It’s a pretty significant difference, actually.

I want to control every aspect of my subs’ lives. Of course I want to control his access to his cock. I want him to be dependent on me for that pleasure.

I couldn’t take him seriously in the long term if orgasm control wasn’t an option. I wouldn’t be as interested in a relationship if my level of control was limited.

Of course, I don’t speak for every Domme, and I’m sure there are female-led-relationships that don’t incorporate chastity or orgasm control. But I’ve never come across one.

Experiment time

We’ve talked about kazander’s focus being on his dick before, and what sort of consequences that brings about, and how it affects him and his mindset.

And we addressed the fact that the majority of sexual attention I give him revolves around the dick.  And Hapa made a good point in saying,

“Repeated sex and penis centric attention fuels the alpha in me whereas chastity and non-penis centric sexual attention fuels my sub side. In sexual terms, relating to a man as though his only sexual organ is his ass instead of a penis knocks him squarely into subspace.”

So it got me curious.  What would happen if I completely ignored the dick, and make his ass the only source of sexual pleasure?  What kind of effect would that have on him?

For the record, since putting the contract in place, things have improved exponentially, and he’s been obeying the rules I’ve set out for him.  And he’s unbelievably eager to suck the strap-on every day.  I know the contract says he’s supposed to do it when he gets home from work (which implies weekdays, and not weekends), but I figured why not do it every day?  He certainly wasn’t complaining.

Which is awesome.  It’s been knocking him right into that slutty space, right where I want him.  And I’ve been fucking him and fingering his ass, as well, to really make sure he knows his place.  It’s been great.

But I’m a greedy bitch (we all know this).  I want more.

So for the next week, I’m not touching the dick at all.  100% of the sexual attention he receives will be focused on his ass (and his mouth, and the rest of his body).  I know I mentioned the maintenance edges, but that’s going to be put on hold for now, until the experiment is over.

I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of effect it has on him.  I’m already very happy with the improvements so far, and I’m excited to see how it goes, and if it takes him further into that space.