Wake-up call

I received this comment on my Feeding the Troll post.

Well, thanks for triggering me with what a lot of guys in my age range have always suspected; being, or even just acting submissive, is a major turn-off for women.

*retreats to safe space*

I’m being cheeky here, but I’m bringing up a serious point: Her attitude is something that has kept a lot of guys like me from even bringing up the topic. Or we sound out our partners in these convoluted ways so as not to attract suspicion. Or we play it up for laughs. And even when we have a partner who seems indulgent, we still keep the idea in the back of our heads that she’s just playing along and slowly losing respect for us. And the way submissive men get portrayed in the media certainly doesn’t help.

Oh, and thanks for sticking up for us.

You’re absolutely right.  Bigoted, ignorant idiots are everywhere, and the social stigma surrounding submissive men, particularly in the US, is still going strong.

But I beg you, and every man like you, not to let these idiots discourage you from coming out about who you are.

These idiots don’t just demean and remove value from submissive men, but from all men, and women, as well.

One article discussed the idea of masculinity and submission, and touched on the reasons for so many within the kink community being “uncomfortable” with male submission, including one particular Dom’s reaction: “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

*Edit* Tough fucking love time, because as I was editing and rereading this longwinded shit in my current mood, I decided to add something, and break it up into two posts.  Because before I get into all the psychology and studies and statistics and evidence that shows why idiots are idiots, I want to add something a little more blunt.  

This is directed to all submissive men who have been guilty of the attitudes I’m going to address, not specifically at the commenter or the specific situations he described.  And yeah, I’m in a fucking mood, so this isn’t going to be particularly nice.  Deal with it.  Hopefully this’ll be a wake-up call for at least some of you.

Here’s a life lesson: not everyone is going to be into you.  Not everyone is going to want you.  Not everyone is going to respect you.  But, to paraphrase something I told a BBW who wrote me about the concern that not every man is going to be into BBWs, who the fuck cares?

Welcome to the world of straight women.  We’ve only been dealing with the same thing for a few thousand years.  You think everyone is into me?  You think everyone respects me?  You think no one looks down at me?

You think I fucking care?

You think I care that some straight woman, that I will never fuck or be in a relationship with, thinks I’m not a “real woman?”  You think I care that a shitload of Doms, who I will never be even remotely interested in romantically or sexually, don’t respect me?  In a vanilla equivalent, you think I care that some super fit health nut gets all condescending because I’m a BBW, and tells me I’m not beautiful?

No.  I don’t.

Because A) I don’t base my worth as a person on how strangers view me, and B) there is literally no shortage of people who do think I’m a real woman, who respect me, who think I’m beautiful.  So fuck the people who don’t.  I don’t care.

Dommes everywhere are annoyed as fuck because it feels like submissive men care more about the opinions of strangers, strangers they don’t even want relationships with (like submissive women and Dominant men), than they care about us.  The people who desperately want them.

It’s annoying.  In most cases, it’s damn infuriating.  That Dom said, “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

Well, I want to tell you all the same goddamn thing.

You have no idea how it feels to be a Domme and constantly feel unwanted because of a submissive man’s insecurity.  You’re all so busy worrying about what strangers will think about you, or what vanilla women will think of you, you don’t even realize that you’re completely snubbing the women who adore you.

You’re so goddamn busy being ashamed of who you are, you don’t even realize that your actions consistently make Dommes feel like you’re ashamed of them.  You’re so worried about vanilla women and submissive women, you’re completely ignoring the millions of women who are at the fucking munches, waiting for you, hoping you’ll grow enough balls to show the fuck up.

And even when you do find a Domme, you’re so busy trying to keep your dynamic a secret, keep her a secret, that you don’t even notice how shitty you’re treating her, how you’re making her feel.

Do you have any fucking idea how tough it is to be a Dominant woman when, not only do the vanilla world and Maledom world not want you, but even the straight sub men are ashamed to be associated with you?

Do you have any idea what kind of strength it takes to continue being who you are when even the men who say they want you are telling you you’re wrong for being who you are?

You bitch about how jaded and rude we are when you message us.  You whine and complain about how hard it is to find a “real Domme.”

Fuck you.

Where do you think that comes from?  How do you think we got so guarded in the first place?

You did it.  You did it by being ashamed of us, you did it by being sexist pigs in your messages to us, continuing the pattern of caring only about yourselves, and your fantasies, and how we can satisfy your desires, while refusing to see us as people.  You did it by insulting us or threatening us when we called you out for being sexist pigs.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from Dominant men in the last year?  Seven.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from submissive men in the last year?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally thousands.

When are you going to wake the fuck up and realize that the Maledom world isn’t the problem?

The bigots are not the problem.  Bigots exist in every group.  One of you go ask a gay or a trans or a black or a Muslim person how many times they’ve dealt with bigots.

They still have the strength to be who they are in the face of bigotry.  Why don’t you?

Male Doms, even the assholes, are not the problem.  Submissive women, even the bitches, are not the problem.  Vanilla people are not the problem.

You are the fucking problem.

I’ve been a Domme for 15 years.  And for 15 years, I’ve consistently had submissive men be ashamed of me.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t shout from the rooftops that he’s my submissive.  It doesn’t matter that I work hard, and will outright lie, to protect him from being found out.

Because A) our private life is no one else’s business, and B) his ego is too fragile to handle being found out.  So I work to keep it from happening.  And there is nothing I won’t do or say to protect him.

I will imply that he’s the dominant partner in a vanilla relationship, and if it’s discovered that we’re kinky, I’ll say he’s the Dom (once, when an ex’s sister found a pink collar with the word “Bitch” on it in rhinestones, and he panicked, I told her that he was the Dom, and I was the sub, and I wore the collar.  That’s the most extreme, but it’s not the only time I’ve claimed to be the sub).

I’ll tell his friends I suck his cock every day, or that I let him fuck me in the ass.  I’ll change details of real stories to make him seem like “the man,” like I did when Kazander told his friends I’d arranged to have a stripper suck his cock.  I’ll tell his family that I hurry to fulfill his every beck and call, which is why Kazander still brags to his family and friends that he never changed a diaper.  I’ve overheard his guy friends tell him he has me well trained.  I don’t care.  You know, it’s the whole I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think-of-me-thing, and the my-self-worth-is-not-tied-into-other-people’s-opinions-of-me thing.

Some of his guy friends think I’m a pushover.  Some of them, because of things he’s said and things I have said and done, don’t respect me at all.

Go ahead.  Ask me if I care.

I do all that, I go that far out of my way, and I will continue to do it, because I can handle it.  I can handle people, even people I see and interact with on a regular basis, even relatives and family friends, not thinking highly of me.

I will always do it, with every sub who needs it, because he is worth it to me.  Because I care more about him than I do anyone else.  And I’ve been dealing with it for 15 years.  It’s nothing for me to deal with it.  I recognize that it’s not nothing for someone who has never dealt with it to be thrown into that.  So I will happily and proudly protect him.  As long as that’s enough, I’m content and happy.

But most of the time, that’s still not enough.  He’s still too ashamed.  Both of himself, and of me.

“No!  No one can ever know about you!  What if someone finds out?  What if something happens?  What if something slips out?  What if someone walks in on us?  What if someone finds out that I like pick-a-fetish?  I just can’t handle it.  I can’t be proud and unapologetic of who I am!  I have to be like everyone else, so people don’t make fun of me!”

You deal with that fucking bullshit for 15 years, and then you tell me how I shouldn’t be jaded and guarded when I get messages from people I don’t know.  You deal with being someone’s dirty secret for 15 years, and then you tell me I’m being too hostile.

Go on.  I’ll wait.

Fuck the vanilla world and the Maledom world.  You’re the ones we care about.  And you’re the ones who are hitting us the hardest.  Because you’re too busy caring about everyone else more than you care about us.

Want to know why the stigma against submissive men is still going strong?  Despite all the shit I’m going to explain, complete with links to the polls and studies, in my next post?

It’s because you’re all ashamed.  You’re too scared and too weak and too pathetic to come out and say it’s okay.

Because you’re too damn weak to stand up and say, “Yeah, this is who I am.  Don’t like it?  Fuck you.”

And that stigma is never going to change as long as you children can’t man the fuck up and be who you are.  You’re all still stuck in high school, worried about being made fun of by the jocks and the cool kids.

No but yeah, keep whining about how hard it is to be a submissive man in today’s world.  Keep telling me how it feels to know that the vanilla world and the Maledom world don’t respect you.  Keep telling me just how awful it is.

And then go to a munch, and look at all the Dominant women there, and count how many of them have a submissive man willing to be seen in public with them.  Count how many of them have met their sub’s friends and family.  Count how many of them have ever been seen as anything more than a dirty fucking secret.

Count how many submissive men are proud to be with the women who want them.

Seriously, many of you are even worse than the bigots.  And you’re too busy being self-centered, insecure children to even notice what you’re doing to the women who love you.

So yeah, that Dom had the right idea.  Be a fucking man.

If I’m man enough to be myself despite the fact that a hefty chunk of the population disapproves, if I’m man enough to tell the world to fuck off when they tell me I shouldn’t be who I am and want what I want, if I’m man enough to break free from the sheep,  then I fucking expect it of the actual men around me.

Lupus non curat iudicia ovium, bitches.  The wolf doesn’t care about the opinions of sheep.

So which one are you?

 

Feeding the Troll

So I’ll just come out and say it. I don’t like submissive men. I don’t like anything about them. I don’t talk to them, I don’t associate with them, I don’t befriend them, I don’t want anything to do with them.  I don’t like when they approach me at events and try to talk to me. I don’t want them.

I want a real man, a strong man who can make me feel like a woman, because as much as you may enjoy pretending you like being the one in charge you can’t fight evolution. We are animals. We have instincts. We have evolved to find that alpha male attractive because he’s our best chance at furthering the species.

We don’t live in caves anymore so people don’t feel those instincts as much. But when you get down to it we both know that if we were living thousands of years ago submissive men would’ve died out and would’ve never been able to reproduce.

I mean I’m a feminist so I believe that a woman has the right to choose her own life. If you want to be with submissive men then that’s what you want. I just don’t understand how any woman could want that.

No woman can feel complete unless she has a strong man protecting her. Women need men to complete us. We have a literal hole inside us that only a man can fill. And that is symbolic of what it means to be a man and a woman. He is designed to fill, and she is designed to be filled. No matter what no one can deny that.

Some random ignorant twat

O00h, this is going to be so much fun.

So let me make sure I’m understanding you correctly.  You’re saying that only Dominant men can be real men, and only submissive women can be real women.  What’s more, only straight Dominant men can be real men, and only straight submissive women can be real women.

Okay, awesome.

I mean, first of all, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.  Submissive men don’t want you, either.

A submissive man wants a real woman, who is capable of challenging him and holding her own against him, instead of automatically just bowing to him and giving in.  He doesn’t want some weak-willed doormat who will just do whatever he says.  He wants a partner who will drive him to be the best version of himself.  Meek, timid, weak little girls bore him.

Wait, but am I making a metric fuckton of (incorrect) assumptions about submissive women?  And what those women have to offer their Dominants?

Look at that, I sure as fuck am.  Just like you are.

I’m doing it to prove a point.  You’re doing it because you’re an idiot.  Subtle differences, you know.

But there is one sentence I said up there that is completely true.  Submissive men don’t want you.  Like, honestly.  They don’t.  If they approach you at events, it’s because they’re trying to be civil, and polite, and friendly, and respectful.

Which, just based on that, makes them exponentially better submissives than you could ever hope to be, and their behavior reflects favorably on their Dominants, while your behavior here does the exact opposite.

I’m serious, I would be ashamed if anyone I owned ever did anything like what you’ve done here.  That relationship would end so goddamn fast, and I’d do everything in my power to distance myself, my name, and my reputation from that kind of psychosis.

I can only assume that you are either owned by as ignorant an asshole as you are (and unfortunately, I do know one of those here in town.  He’s an entertaining guy), or that you’re unowned because every sane Dominant man gets one peek at your special brand of crazy and runs far away, before you have the chance to ruin his reputation.

And honestly, it’s my firm belief that there’s a special place in hell for every submissive woman who gives submissive men shit for being who they are and wanting what they want.

I mean, fuck, you know what it feels like.  I have no doubt you’ve gotten at least some indirect flak, at the very least, from feminazis about being submissive, about “contributing to the Patriarchy” or some ridiculous shit.

You know what that feels like, to be told you shouldn’t want to follow your partner’s lead within a romantic relationship.  You know what it feels like to be told you shouldn’t be who you are.

And yet, you’re turning around and doing the same damn thing to submissive men (and gay people of all genders and orientations, but don’t worry, I’ll get to that).  I mean, that’s just a remarkable level of hypocrisy.

So yeah, you’re just an idiot.  And I can say with relative certainty that any sane Dominant man would be ashamed to be associated with such a backward, psychotic, sexist, homophobic, bigoted bitch.

I mean, don’t just take my word for it.  I have quite a few followers who are Dominant men,  and I urge those men to weigh in here and speak for themselves.  This psycho has no reason to listen to anything I say, because I’m not a “real woman,” apparently.  But she would likely put more weight on the words and opinions of “real men.”

So gentlemen, comment here and tell her yourselves.  She has shown that she will likely not listen to a damn word I say, but perhaps she’ll listen to you.

Oh, and the whole fill-or-be-filled thing is just hilarious.  I mean, I’m sorry, I just had to laugh at that.  That is literally the single stupidest argument I have ever heard for male supremacy.  And I’ve heard plenty of stupid arguments.  None have ever even come close to that, though.  You definitely win that contest.

Someone get this bitch a trophy.

So gay men, who have zero interest in “filling” a woman, aren’t real men?  What about trans men?  Chances are, any given trans man probably has a vagina (since ftm sexual reassignment surgery doesn’t boast the success rate and levels of safety that mtf sexual reassignment surgery does).  Is he “not a real man” because he doesn’t “fill a woman” with a flesh-and-blood penis?

And what about trans women?  Are they not “real women?”  Or are they only “real women” after they’ve completed their transition, and have a vagina, and are straight?

And what about gay women, who have zero interest in “being filled” by a man?  Are they not real women?  Can they never be satisfied or feel “complete?”

You know, I was just with Star yesterday, and she certainly seemed satisfied and complete to me.  I didn’t see her just yearning for a man’s cock to fill her.  And I didn’t see her suffering for lack of a man’s cock to fill her.

Know what I saw?

I saw a confident, vibrant, passionate woman who is sure of herself and knows exactly what she wants, and goes after what she wants.  I saw a woman who doesn’t need to mask her insecurity with misogyny, misandry (I’m actually impressed how you’ve managed to write a message that is filled with both), and homophobia.

She doesn’t need to do that shit.  Because she’s not insecure.  She’s not uncomfortable with who she is.  She’s not unhappy with who she is.  In short, she’s not a judgmental, prejudiced, ignorant, bigoted cunt.

Unlike some people, apparently.

And you know who else isn’t insecure?  Sounder, who I saw this evening.  I didn’t see a weak-willed man who would’ve died out if we still lived in caves (I was actually impressed by that line of logic, too, by the way.  That’s another one I’ve never heard before.  And here I thought I’d heard all the toxic-masculinity, sexist, uneducated, small-minded, anti-submissive-man bullshit.  So I learned something today).

I didn’t see an insecure asshole who needs to push his self image issues on to other people.

Know what I saw?

I saw a confident, self-assured, dynamic man who doesn’t need to go around bragging about what an “Alpha Male” he is, because his actions speak for him.  I saw a man who puts others first, without hesitation, a perfect, chivalrous gentleman, protective and caring, who has an inner strength that never ceases to astound me.

Hell, he’s a sissy, and he’s more of a man than those idiots who run around shouting from the rooftops about their Alpha Male-ness.  No matter how much I feminize him, no matter what I do to him, he will always be more of a man than the type of psychotic Dominant who would approve of your behavior.  He will always put those little boys to shame.

I feel sorry for you, because you’ll never know what a real man, Dominant or submissive, gay or straight, can be.  You’ll never witness the strength, dignity, and compassion that a real man possesses.  All you’ll ever know are the stupid, small-minded, ignorant idiots like you.

That’s not a man, that’s a child.  And you’re not a woman, you’re a scared, insecure little girl.  I pity you.

Because Star is more of a woman than you’ll ever be, and Sounder is more of a man than you’ll ever get.

Would you fuck this sissy raw?

One thing I love about my sissy is how artistic and creative he is.  This shows in the unbelievably sexy pictures he sends me.  Like the most recent one, which he sent last night.  He’s in such a sexy, provocative, inviting pose, I just can’t resist imagining pounding him until he begs me to stop.  And with a picture this sexy, it would be greedy for me to keep it to myself.  I need to share it with the world.

 

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Look at how sexy he is. Tell me you wouldn’t want to pound his ass until he’s nothing but a whimpering, squirming, writhing little puddle of sissy cockwhore.

Hotel room fun

A number of timing and scheduling issues complicated the plans star and I kept making.  We’d hung out a couple of times, but really haven’t been able to play since that first night at her house.

This is something I was very keen to change.

So we set a date for the other night.

But the universe threw us another curveball.  Playing at her house is going to be a little tricky for awhile, and my house just doesn’t have the privacy we’d need.

She had a plan, though.

She lives about as far from me as she possibly could, but it’s all freeway to get there, so for me, the drive isn’t a big deal.  Still, we have generally stuck to a casino pretty much right in the middle of us.  Right across the street is a little cluster of cute, boutique-y shops and a few nice restaurants.  It’s where we had dinner the first time we hung out, it’s where I shamelessly groped her in the movie theater, and it’s where she suggested we go this time.  She’d gotten us a room there.

This was going to be awesome.

We met in the hotel lobby, set our things in the room, and went across the street for dinner.  And as always, she’s a blast to talk to, and she doesn’t mind me rambling, so that’s a bonus.

But as good as the food and conversation was, I was more interested in doing mean-ish things to her.  So we went back up to the room and relaxed on the bed for a bit, watching TV.

There are a lot of things to love about her, but one thing that I’d completely forgotten I loved about playing with women is how little they are.  It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone petite, significantly smaller than I am, I’d forgotten how awesome that is.

I had her take off her clothes, then pulled her across my lap.  She was already wet, and fingering her got some amazing noises out of her.  I started with one, then went to two, while she eagerly pushed back against me, moaning and squirming.  It was so hot, the way she moved.

I wanted to fill her up.

I pulled out a dildo and fucked her with it, until she came.  But that wasn’t enough for me.  So after a moment I reached back into my little bag of tricks and pulled out a butt plug.

It was a small plug, I was nice.

I didn’t give her a whole lot of time to get used to it, though.  I pushed it all the way in, then alternated between fingering her and rubbing her clit.  And she was gasping, moaning, squirming, cumming all over the place.

She really is so fucking sexy.  And holy fuck, the sounds she makes…

The dildo went back in, and I fucked her hard and fast, and she bucked against it, wanting it even harder and faster.  And when she came, I didn’t even pause.  I just kept fucking her.

I have no idea how many times she came.  I don’t even know how long I was fucking her.  But finally, after a particularly strong orgasm, I could tell she needed a rest.  I pulled the dildo out, but kept the plug in, and let her curl up on my lap, while I ran the fingers of one hand up and down her back, and the other hand through her hair.

Naked, plugged, and sated, she started dozing a bit.  But I wasn’t done with her yet.  I’d give her a rest, let her recover a bit, but I still had one more thing I wanted to do to her.

She bought me a replacement for my Thunderstick, and I couldn’t wait to introduce her to it.  And it made her nervous.  She’s only rarely ever used a vibrator, and was pretty unsure about it.

I didn’t turn it up as high as it can go.  Because I didn’t need to.  She’s so little, and that thing is so powerful, she felt like it was just rattling her whole body.  She definitely got more experience with the sadistic side of that toy than the nice side.

Holding it against her and turning it up was still pretty entertaining, though.  And when I finally had mercy on her and fucked her again, she came almost immediately.

Of course, one orgasm is never enough.  By the time I was done with her, she was panting and whimpering, completely exhausted and floating, and when I lied back down next to her, she immediately moved close, and I pulled her into my arms and let her relax.

It didn’t take long before she started dozing off again, and when I started dozing, myself, I sighed and untangled our limbs.  I had to get home.  Dammit.

It was tough to leave.  She was such an inviting sight, lying there, still naked, on the bed.  Seeing her like that made me want to do more to her.  But she was worn out, and I was pretty tired, myself.  I needed to get home.

So I hugged her and kissed her goodbye, and drove home.  I’m already thinking about what I want to do to her next time I see her.  I can’t wait.

Rope bottom?

Some of my readers may remember a post talking about a rope class I took at Sadie’s house, in which I was paired up with a sweet, sexy little thing with a love of Star Wars and a body that looks amazing when tied up.

She was someone that I’d seen around, but hadn’t ever spoken to before that night.  I didn’t know anything about her.  I found out that night that she’s a lesbian, which immediately piqued my interest, and there was some mild, subtle flirting, but that was it.

This is a bit of a tangent, but it’s always a bit on the awkward side for me, whenever I meet a submissive that I’m attracted to, and can see myself doing wicked, vile things to.  For one, I don’t know their orientation, or if I’m even the gender they’re interested in.  Then, I don’t know if they’re available (or what the policies are in any given relationship or event regarding what I’m allowed to say/do or how I’m allowed to interact with owned subs.  Part of the reason why I’m so annoyed by those needlessly complicated rules).

So I don’t know if they’re into my gender, if they’re available, or if they’re interested in me, specifically.  I mentioned before that my general demeanor is to be extremely sexually aggressive.  This is a habit I curb around people I don’t own, for obvious reasons.  I, unlike some Dominants (I just heard about another one the other night, and was even more shocked to discover that this asshole’s actions were actually defended by a Domme I’ve known and respected for years, and that she was actually angry at the sub for protesting the unwanted and unwelcome touch.  It’s not my habit to take the words of other people as unequivocal truth, but that certainly gives me pause, and if I find out that the teller of the story — someone who doesn’t seem like the type to lie or exaggerate in the first place — is telling the truth, makes me lose basically every shred of respect I ever had for this woman), prefer not to be a sexual predator, and go around molesting and sexually assaulting people who don’t want me to touch them.

Silly me, I know.  I guess in some circles, you’re not a true Domly Dom/me unless you grope people without their consent to show how Domly you are.

But even if that means I can’t hang out with the “cool kids,” I’m not going to get aggressive with someone I don’t know, who may not want it.  Even if they’re interested in me, I don’t know what they like, what they’re comfortable with, or anything like that.  So there’s a bit of awkwardness as I shut down that part of my personality, and try to figure out how to act.

This sub (we’ll call her star) seemed open to it, and I found out she was interested in women, and she was absolutely fucking adorable, but I still didn’t know anything about her, so I held back, and our interaction that night was vanilla (except for me tying her up, of course).

And I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.

Until I received an email a couple of weeks ago.  I saw the nickname and immediately recognized her.

She asked if I’d be interested in her bottoming for me at future rope events, or anything else if my subs aren’t available.

And she immediately had my attention.

I emailed her back, told her I’d absolutely be interested in Topping her, and if she was looking to bottom at events exclusively.  She replied that no, she wasn’t looking only at events, just that she’d like to get to know me better.

Um, hell fucking yes.

We arranged to grab dinner one night, to chat and get to know each other a bit.  And I enjoyed chatting with her and hanging out with her.  It was a true testament to my willpower that I kept my hands off of her the whole time.

Pinning her against my car and shoving my hand down her pants was a hugely appealing idea, but not knowing how comfortable she’d feel with something that public-ish, I gave her a hug instead.

I wanted to do things to her.  So the next thing was to spend some time with her in private.

Which we did a few nights ago.  We met at a Starbucks and sat outside, chatting some more, when I happened to glance down and saw that her arms were covered in goosebumps.

“Are you cold?” I asked her.

She shrugged.  “A little bit.”

“Well, let’s head back to your house, and warm up.”

We drove to her place, she handed me a beer, and we sat down in her living room, chatting again.  And the more we talked, the more I wanted to make her squirm.

As it turns out, we have quite a bit in common regarding our desires for BDSM, and shared the same frustrations.

I love playing with women.  But the biggest deterrent has been that many of the bisexual submissives I’ve spoken to have still been a bit closer to the straight side than the gay side, and preferred their same-sex play to be more impact-focused, rather than sexually focused.  And the very few lesbians I’ve spoken to have enjoyed the sexual aspect, but weren’t quite as into penetration.  There was just too much I couldn’t do with them.

It’s something that star has also expressed frustration with.  She made the comment that she’s struggled with finding a Domme who was into penetration.

She said, “I just want to be used.”

You know, I’m reasonably sure I can accommodate that.

So finally, I had her sit next to me and asked if I could touch her.  Moments later, I had her top and bra off, and we were making out on her couch.

And really, she squirms so pretty.  I wanted the rest of her clothes off.

We moved to the bedroom, I had her take off her pants, and bent her over the foot of the bed, groping and fingering her, occasionally reaching up to pinch and twist her nipples.

And holy fucking hell, y’all, she looks amazing when there are things inside her.  I love it.  She’s sexy as hell, she squirms so pretty, she makes amazing noises when I hurt her or pleasure her, and I can’t wait to play with her again, and do more than finger her.

And isn’t it convenient, I’m going to get that chance on Friday, at a play party.  It’ll be awesome, having the chance to do more with her.  I’m seriously looking forward to it.

An open letter to male Doms

Gentlemen,

I’m going to start off by acknowledging that I’m 100% sure that there are trustworthy, amazing Doms out there.  A few Doms follow the blog, and a couple have reached out to contact me, and my interactions with them have been quite a bit more pleasant than my interactions with 90% of the “submissives” that contact me.

However

I do not know any of these gentlemen in person, so while I do want them to read this and take it to heart, I want them to understand that this is not meant as a slam against them.

I’ve made it no secret that I’m not a fan of male Doms as a species.  Because of this, I have been accused of being a man-hater pretending to be a Domme so I can abuse men, I have been accused of being prejudiced, and I have been accused of lumping a great number of people into one group based on the actions of a few.

The only accusation that holds any weight is the third.  And I don’t know, maybe I am lumping.

But you know what?  When I meet just one male Dom, in person, and can interact with him on a regular basis for six months, without him doing or saying something inappropriate, I’ll rethink my bias.

As of yet, that hasn’t happened.  And I’m not sure why.

I have no idea why literally 100% of male Dominants that I’ve met and interacted with in person (who are still alive today) have said or done something inappropriate, or have said or done something to make me feel uncomfortable around them.

It’s annoying.  Male Doms and female subs comprise the majority of the kink world.  I want to be able to befriend and socialize with these men, but they seem dead set on making that impossible.

Frustrating fucking bastards.

And this isn’t unique to me.  My friend, Keke, wrote about this exact thing on her Fetlife page (she asked me not to share the link).  And her writing, along with a text conversation with a Dom I know in person, and a message I received today from a random Dom douchebag, inspired me to follow her lead and write my own open letter to Dominant men.

Here’s the thing.  I’m a Dominant.  I’m not a switch or a submissive.  I will never be a switch or a submissive.  It never has been, and never will be who I am.

I want you to imagine the hippiest of hippies having to attend and fit in at the most conservative of Republican dinner parties.  Or vice versa.  It’s so contrary to who I am, just the idea of it repulses me.  Some people can switch.  I cannot.

Dominant.  Not submissive.

Also, I am interested in submissives.  Exclusively.  As in, that’s it.

I have no desire to broaden my horizons or step out of my comfort zone or try new things.

If you’re not submissive, or at the very least, interested in exploring your submissive side, then I’m not interested.

When a man gets all Domly with me, it doesn’t turn me on.  It turns me off, creeps me out, and irritates me.  I can’t stand it.

You see, it’s the I’m-a-Dominant-and-want-a-submissive-partner thing.  Opposites attract.  Yin and yang.  All that stuff.

So why do Dominant men have trouble with this?  Why do you always, always have to cross a line?  Do you feel threatened by Dominant women?  Do you not respect Dominant women?  I actually want to know.  If any of my male Dom readers have engaged in this kind of behavior, email me.  I want to know what it is that causes it, and hopefully find a way to fix it.

Because it’s not okay.  You wouldn’t say that shit to another male Dom.  Why would you say it to me?

Even respected members of the community, good men, have crossed this line.  And no, crossing the line doesn’t make you a bad person.  Unaware of what you’re doing, maybe.  But you’re not a bad person.

Let’s take the text conversation, and use that as an example.  This is a man I’ve known for a few years now, very active within the community, and a respected, respectable man.

Last time I saw him, we got to talking about Sounder, and what I want to do to him.  I asked him if he’d be interested in fucking Sounder’s mouth.  He said yes, and gave me his number.

I texted him a couple days later and reminded him who I was.  This was his reply.

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Are.  You.  Fucking.  Kidding me?

 

This was his first message.  And I was instantly uncomfortable.  Red flags and loud sirens went off in my head.

Why?  I mean, really.  Why?

And he is far from the first, or the only Dom to say something like this.

Question, gentlemen:  Why would you say that?  Why would you say it as the first thing you say to me?  Do you see me walking up to you, saying, “Damn, little boy, you look sexy as fuck.  You’d look even sexier wrapped around my cock.”

Yes, I recognize that this particular Dom didn’t go anywhere near that kind of obnoxiousness.  But that is something that a Dom has said to me before.  And unfortunately, a terrible history with male Doms has put me on the defensive.  And now this Dom has to deal with it.

It’s not his fault that the other members of his species are such assholes.  And I recognize that it may not be fair to make him suffer for the crimes of others.  But he sure as hell isn’t helping the situation.

This guy is huge.  And I don’t mean fat.  I’m tall, okay?  I’m not used to people towering over me.  And usually, people don’t.  But he does.  Physically, it would be too easy for him to overpower me.

My mind immediately concocted a scenario, of him and me at Sounder’s house, in the middle of a scene.  What if he decided to cross a line?  I would have a hell of a time defending myself against someone that big, and Sounder’s still dealing with those issues I mentioned.  Issues that would make kicking the Dom’s ass a less-than-stellar idea.

Red flags and sirens, man.

But then, I got ahold of myself.  This is a good guy.  He’s not some evil villain, and he didn’t say anything particularly offensive.

Well, he did, but I’ll get to that.  He thought he was paying me a compliment.  Albeit in a very blunt and aggressive way.

And I get it, gentlemen.  You’re used to being sexually aggressive with your partners.  Even in flirting or conversation, it’s a habit.

I get it, because I have the same damn habit.  I curb that habit around Dominant men (and submissives I don’t own), even Dominant men I find attractive (like the man in the texting example).  I curb this habit for a couple of reasons.

First, because I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with them.

Secondly, because they’re not interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

Thirdly, because I do not have the right to push my opinion about their appearance onto them.  They do not exist for my sexual gratification, and telling someone I’m not in a relationship with, and do not know very well, how sexy they are, aside from being inappropriate, is a way of communicating to them that I see them as nothing more than sexual objects, which I can say or do whatever I want to, without regard to how uncomfortable it may make them feel.

That’s not a compliment, gentlemen.  That’s a catcall.

Knock it the fuck off.

Would you say that to a coworker?  Then why the fuck would you say it to me?

I can’t imagine submissive women would appreciate something like that, but seeing as I’m not submissive, and it’s 3:30 in the morning, so I can’t ask any of the female submissives I know, I’m going to refrain from speaking for them.

 

But honestly, what Dominant woman do you think would appreciate something like that?  What is the thought process there?

And why would a Dominant, an individual who is all about consent and knowing whatthefuck you’re doing, and being aware of yourself and your actions, think that’s a good idea?

Is it because he’s threatened by me, and wants to find a way to assert his Dominance?  Is it because he has no respect for me as a Dominant woman?  Is it because we thinks I’ll switch and sub to him?

I don’t know.  I don’t care.  This, gentlemen, is not an acceptable way to talk to a Dominant woman.  It really isn’t an acceptable way to talk to any woman that you’re not in a relationship with, but that’s another conversation.

And this is why male Doms make me uncomfortable.  Because even the respected, experienced ones think that this is okay.  What else does he think is okay?  What could happen in the middle of a session, when my focus is elsewhere?  What might he suddenly decide is okay?

And can I, in good conscience, take that kind of risk with my submissive?  Do I have the right to put Sounder in a situation where he may be tied up and helpless, and unable to defend against someone who decided to cross a line?  Someone I cannot physically stop?  Someone I would not be able to protect him from?

I contemplated a number of different responses, before deciding that a text conversation is not the appropriate way to discuss why the comment made me uncomfortable.  Instead, I went with a neutral, dismissive response.

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I didn’t bite his head off because I’m choosing to believe that he is unaware of how inappropriate and disconcerting such a comment is.  And again, while this is annoying, I do recognize that my reaction to this is exacerbated by a long, sad history of obnoxious “Doms.”  Without said history, maybe this comment wouldn’t make me uncomfortable at all.  By itself, it’s harmless enough to be shrugged off.

But there is history, and it does make me uncomfortable, and he, sadly, joins the very long list of Doms who crossed that line.  And the “perfect record” still stands.  100% of male Doms I’ve interacted with in person have given me reason not to trust them.

So, gentlemen, use this as a guide for how not to interact with Dominant women.

We are not submissive.  We are not interested in being your submissive.  Whatever your reasons for seeing us as somehow beneath you, get over it.  You’re not helping, and you really make me feel bad for the women you own.

Because if this is how you treat a Dominant woman you have no authority over, how do you treat the ones who serve you?  If you’re unable to see me, a fellow Dominant, as an equal, how do you see submissives?  And if you’re unable to see submissives as your equals, how can you possibly, in good conscience, assert control over them?

And you wonder why so many Dommes don’t like you.  Oh, but it’s because they’re man-haters, right?  It has nothing to do with the vast majority of you being willfully unaware of how inappropriate you are, and so many of you being outright douchebags.

Because to us, you’re just a walking, talking stereotype.  It would be amusing, if it wasn’t so pathetic.  This need to assert your “Domly-ness,” to beat your chest and throw your poop and shout from the rooftops, “Look at me!  I’m a super-Dominant, Domly Dom!  See, watch me be super-Dominant to everyone around me, to prove just how Domly I am!”

I mean, you do realize that’s what you look like, right?  Are you that insecure in your Dominance, that you feel the need to try and exert control over me?  Does my existence feel like a challenge to you?  Does my existence threaten yours?

Look at your behavior.  Listen to what you’re saying.  It’s not your fault that assholes have ruined it for you, but it’s up to you to be aware of what you’re doing, and how you’re contributing to the problem.  You pride yourselves on being strong, “manly men.”  Then man the fuck up, recognize your bullshit for what it is, and fix it.

Ask a FinDomme, Part 2

I received this comment on my FinDomme post, from Mena.

Hello, I am new to the online findomme scene. So my question once I have a sub getting ahold of me how do I get him to pay up while making the relationship grow? What questions should I ask before I get him to tribute or should I just make him tribute before even talking with him? After he tributes then what? I have some experience of findomme from years of being a stripper and also men that I have been with, and actually being a dominatrix, but doing this online with people I do not know is knew to me.

Thank you for the question, Mena.  I’m happy to answer it for you.

However, there’s a common mistake you’re making, and there are two separate answers to your question, depending on what you actually mean.

You mention having experience with Findom because of your experience as a stripper, and because of past relationships.  But I’m obliged to point out that dancing and FinDomme aren’t even close to the same thing.

Stripping is closer to ProDomming, actually.  And there is a difference between a FinDomme and a ProDomme.

ProDomming and stripping are the same because you’re being paid for a service.  A client walks in, wanting something specific, whether it’s to have his ass brutally beaten, or to have a beautiful woman dance on his lap.  He pays women like us to give him that.  And we’re in the business to make money, after all, so we’ll accommodate him.

Sometimes, we enjoy our clients, and our job is fun.  Other times, the clients bore us to tears, and we feign a smile and pretend to be interested while he drones on about some stupid, inconsequential thing.  These men may come back once or twice, but they’re not idiots, and they realize there’s no connection, and go elsewhere.  And we really aren’t all that upset when they do.

And of course, you have the people who have serious problems with both stripping and ProDomming.  Because “we’re being exploited,” or “we’re taking advantage of men,” or “we’re just in it for the money.”

A FinDomme is completely different.  You’re not performing a service.  Your sub isn’t getting anything in return for his money.

FinDom is a fetish, and a pretty specific one.  And while there aren’t many men with this fetish, they do exist, and they specifically seek out financial Dommes.

The problem is that there are so many online ProDommes out there who call themselves FinDommes, and the terms become interchangeable to many women in the industry, when, to a man with a FinDom fetish, there is a difference.  He’s looking for a FinDomme, not a ProDomme.

Men who are looking for ProDommes won’t really care, but men who are looking for FinDommes will.  It’s important to figure out which type of man you’re looking for.

If you’re looking to be an online ProDomme, then you’ll have online session, probably over cam.  Many ProDommes also make video clips that they then sell, to appeal to one fetish or another.  Many have their own webcam or phone channels that men can pay to call you or chat with you or watch you.  They cater to a number of different fetishes.

If you’re looking to make any kind of steady income, ProDomming is probably your best bet.  But I’ve never really gotten into online ProDomming, so while I know a bit about it, it’s not something I can really help you with.

FinDommes may dabble in a few different fetishes, but the main one is, obviously, FinDom.

If you’re looking to be a FinDomme, my first piece of advice is to talk to paysubs.  Not to try and get money out of them.  Just to try and get an idea for how they tick.  Understanding their minds, understanding what makes the fetish appeal to them is very important.

And, just like any other sub, you’ll find that they’re all different.  Some will want humiliation or chastity along with it.  Some will be completely turned off by those aspects.  For some, it’s the adrenaline rush that gets them, especially as the amounts demanded increase.  Some will want different degrees of involvement from you.  Some will want you to be engaged with them, some will want you to be more of a brat, and ignore them.

They’re all different, but understanding where the fetish comes from is very important.  These men want to be understood.  Often, even they don’t quite understand what it is that makes them want to have their money taken from them.  And while it doesn’t usually follow the same guidelines that a traditional Femdom relationship does, they do put a great deal of trust in you, and want to know that they’ll be taken care of at the end of the day.

If you’re looking for a FinDom relationship, there are a few ways to go about it.  I’ll detail what I do, and you can take what you want from it.

The first thing is to be online a lot.  Competition is fierce, and if a man gets online to look for a FinDomme, and sees 25 names on a list, he’ll pick the first one that’s available.  If he likes her, if there’s chemistry, and if he feels comfortable with her, then he won’t go any farther down the list.

Get accounts for Fetlife, Collarspace, and Findoms.com.  Be on them all the time.

As far as asking for tribute, you’ll find very different answers, depending on who you ask.  I always ask for tribute up front, before I even talk to them.  You’ll soon find that there are many, many flakes out there, who will take up your time for days or more, only to disappear when it’s time to pay tribute.

My time is more valuable than that.  It turns off some men that I ask for tribute up front, but those men aren’t the type I’m interested in associating with, anyway.  But  I’ve always been very selective.  I’m not trying to make money at this, so I don’t depend on them for anything.  I do it because it’s fun.  If I can’t have fun with a sub, I don’t want him.

I have been known to give a sub his tribute back if he annoys me or I just don’t want him serving me (I actually did that fairly recently, when a sub mentioned in passing that he hates all Muslims.  Nope, find someone else.  I don’t want you).  And I’ve gotten messages from subs who feel inclined to tell me how much it angers them that I demand tribute up front, and that I’m scamming men.

*Shrug*

I don’t want a man like that serving me, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

The ones who have given me what I want find that I give a lot in return, and that I’m worth every cent they’ve given me.

I have nothing to prove, and I’m doing this because I like the fetish, not because I’m depending on it for an income.  So it truly doesn’t matter to me whether or not any particular sub thinks expecting tribute up front is “scamming” him.  Experienced paysubs, men who’ve done this before and know what they’re doing, tend to understand why I do it and don’t have a problem with it.  I generally like the experienced ones better, anyway.

I always leave the amounts of the first few tributes up to him.  Again, I expect the tribute within the first two messages, so I know basically nothing about this guy.  I have no idea what his financial situation is, and a sub doesn’t have to be wealthy to have a Findom fetish, and he doesn’t have to be wealthy to serve me.

I always tell them to use their best judgement as far as the initial tribute.  And this amount will vary wildly.  In my experience, the average is $50-$75-ish, but  I’ve gotten as little as $20 and as much as $500 from the first tribute.  It really just depends on the particular sub’s financial situation.

After the tribute, then you need to spend kind of a lot of time talking to him.  You need to figure out what it is he wants.  Having subs fill out a questionnaire is a good idea.  It lets you see his expectations, desires, goals, fetishes, triggers, fears, etc, all in one place.

Find out how far he wants your influence to go.  Some men will simply want you to demand X amount of money from them every so often.  Some will want to buy you specific things, instead.  Some will want you to take control of their finances completely.  In some cases, even to the point that they aren’t given access to their own money, and rely on you for an allowance.

And in that vein, you need to figure out what you’re comfortable with.  How far are you willing to take this?  Would you be comfortable going as far as taking over his finances, and shouldering the responsibility that comes with that?

I’ve spoken to newer FinDommes who have been super eager to jump into something like that, and unfortunately haven’t really taken into consideration the amount of work that goes into it.

And I get it.  Even I wasn’t fully prepared for that, the first time it happened.  I’m not fantastic at managing money to begin with, and suddenly I found myself in charge of an income and budget I couldn’t even fathom at that point in my life.  I mean, I knew he made a lot as soon as he told me what he did (his job title was one of those that had like 8 words in it), and that he had a house here and in L.A., but I was barely out of my teens, and working three jobs as an autistic therapist ($10 per hour/$100 per week), an autistic instructional assistant for the school district ($14 per hour/$400-ish per week), and a martial arts instructor ($150 per week).

Put all that together, and it’s a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of what I suddenly found myself completely responsible for.

I’m serious.  He made significantly more in a single fucking day than I made in a week.  Hell, he almost made more in a day than my dad, the wealthiest man I’d known up to that point, made in a week.

I was in over my head, y’all.

I really hope it goes without saying that letting him fall to financial ruin would’ve been a pretty big fucking no-no.

So I learned.  Fast.

It was a lot of work, but it was fun, and the power it gave me over him was beyond intoxicating.  I’m serious, as long as you’re willing to put in the work, the relationship and the bond that forms from a situation like that is unlike anything else.

It’s a lot of work, though, so I highly recommend not recklessly jumping into that situation, like I did.  It worked out for me, but I got lucky.  I had people I trusted who could help me out and teach me, as well as the sub, himself, who was remarkably patient and answered my thousands of questions, and dumbed it all down for me (I had no idea that there were more than just the basic savings and checking accounts… Like, whoa).  I recommend learning that type of shit before jumping in.

If that’s something you’re interested in, start now.  You’ll need it.  You don’t want to find yourself in charge of a six- or seven-figure income and not know whatthefuck you’re doing.

Most experienced FinDommes that I’ve spoken to personally prefer the simpler arrangements.  Demand X amount once a week.  Or have a sub pay for their salon appointments each month.  Or have a sub buy them jewelry.  Or pay a specific bill (or two).  The options are endless.

But really, if you’re looking to be a FinDomme, then the biggest piece of advice I can give you is to do it for the love of the fetish and the bond that will form between you and your subs.  Don’t do it for the money, or you’ll get burned out.  If you’re looking for an income, do online ProDomming instead.  If you’re looking for fun, a unique relationship, and an intoxicating level of control over another person, then Findom should be a perfect fit.