A fun conversation

I do love when other people help me come up with ways to humiliate Sounder.

As it turns out, Kazander is pretty good at coming up with awesome ways to humiliate Sounder.

We were talking about him over the weekend, discussing things like how good he is at giving head and how cute he squirms when he’s being fucked.  I lamented the fact that no one other than me has seen just how cute Sounder squirms, and Kazander shrugged, saying, “Let’s change that.”

You know, that is just a capital idea.

But you know what would be more fun?  If Sounder is the one to ask Kazander to fuck him.

That would be so much more fun.

Except that’s not enough.

I want Sounder to be the one to initiate that conversation.  So I gave him Kazander’s number and told him that, in order for me to play with him again, he has to text Kazander and ask him to come with me, and put his cock inside Sounder.

Naturally, Sounder isn’t particularly thrilled about this fun little game of mine.  Being fucked by a man is going to be rough just on its own.  Having to be the one to ask for it to happen, to ask the man to fuck him, to take his virginity, is just icing on the cake.

It’ll be such a fun conversation.

Isn’t this an awesome game?

From vanilla to D/s

Hello, I read your mistakes men make and allow me to say. Wow I am an idiot! Amazing writing and so spot on and very eye opening. Thank you!

My question is do you have a writing that kinda goes hand in hand for said vanilla wife? I looked but did not see it. Not an instruction manual but something to help her understand this idiot she has been married to for 21 years?

I actually haven’t written anything from the wife’s perspective in this situation.  It honestly just hasn’t occurred to me.  But now that I think about it, a post about this isn’t a bad idea.  Because what should a wife do when she finds herself in the kind of position described in the post?

This is actually kind of hard for me to relate to, so I’m going mostly off of conversations I’ve had with women who were in the position, and who successfully made the shift from vanilla to FemDomme.

The first thing to remember is that you cannot create something from nothing.  You can’t take a hardcore submissive and turn her into a happy Domme.  That’s just not who she is.  It’s not what she wants.  It’s unlikely that she will ever change.

That goes for vanilla women, too.  Some women simply want their husband to take the lead.  They’re just not interested in being a Dominant, and trying to shove them into a box they will never fit into is futile and selfish.

For a woman to become a Dominant, she must already have a tendency to be dominant.

But even for the most dominant vanilla woman, making the switch to a Dominant will be difficult.  And overwhelming.

Because let’s be honest, BDSM does not come naturally to 95% of humans.  For most people, loving and caring about someone makes them distinctly averse to hurting them, or humiliating them, or otherwise mistreating them.

I’ve been asked by many vanilla people how I can hurt someone I love.  And how I make sense of the thousands of apparent contradictions in the way I feel about my subs, and the way I interact with them.

My best friend is on the conservative side when it comes to relationships, and she’s had plenty of questions about my relationship with Sounder in particular, due to the heavy emphasis on consensual nonconsent (ie, making him do shit he doesn’t want to do).

And yeah, it’s confusing for someone not in the lifestyle.  I love Sounder, I adore him, I’d do anything for him, and yet I enjoy causing him pain.

I’m fiercely protective of him (despite the fact that he really doesn’t need anyone’s protection), and will readily jump to his defense against anyone who tries to fuck with him, and yet I actively look for people to help me humiliate and dehumanize and mistreat him.

He’s one of my favorite people on the planet, one of the very few people I genuinely trust, and yet I am often very rough and sadistic with him.

It doesn’t make sense to most people.  It’s confusing.

And honestly, my attempts to explain it have fallen short.  All I can really say is that it creates a very unique sort of intimacy that vanilla relationships just don’t have.  Sounder trusts me to hurt him, to break him, to bring him low and lay him out, and he shows me a side of him that no one else gets to see.

It’s strange for most people, and for a woman just stepping in to this kind of lifestyle, none of it makes sense.  It doesn’t come naturally to her.

But still, it intrigues her, there may be parts of it that genuinely appeal to her, and she is willing to try becoming a Domme.

That still leaves the question, “Where do I start?”

How does a woman go from vanilla to Dominant?  What is that first step?

For those women, my first suggestion is to look at some FemDom porn.  Not just videos (I’m actually not a fan of most FemDom porn videos out there.  The Dommes tend to be screech and shrill and annoying).  Look at erotica (preferably written by a woman, from the Domme’s perspective).  Read blogs and true accounts of sessions that actually happened in real life.

Don’t worry about trying to make yourself into the Dommes in those stories or videos.  Just look for something that turns you on. Find a specific area or activity that appeals to you.  You may enjoy watching men being pegged.  You may enjoy making men do chores for you while wearing humiliating clothes.  You may enjoy chastity and orgasm denial.  You may enjoy cuckolding or forced bi.

Anything.

Find some part of it that legitimately appeals to you, something that you think you’d enjoy doing in real life, in your relationship.

This will help you figure out the kind of Domme you want to be.  It’ll help you figure out your identity as a Dominant.

Next, read my Mistakes Men Make post, linked at the top of this article.  Be aware that your partner will very likely attempt the behaviors listed there, and be prepared to handle it.  Learn to recognize if he starts moving too quickly for your liking or becomes too focused on his needs.

Then, give yourself permission to be a bitch.  This is the single hardest thing you’ll have to overcome.  You’ll likely struggle with it, you’ll deal with guilt because it will seem overly selfish to you.

Yeah, that’s the point.

Granted, it’s grossly, hysterically oversimplified, but if you’re struggling with any particular situation, remind yourself that the whole point of a FemDom relationship is that you’re in charge.  It’s all about you.

Correcting your husband will be tough.  So start small.  Give him a chore or two that he has to do each day.  Something simple.  And should he forget or get distracted or whatever, punish him for it (make the punishment fit the crime.  Spanking him nonstop for 20 minutes because he forgot to take the trash out isn’t a reasonable thing to do).

Alternatively, give him a chore, supervise him, and become extremely controlling and micromanaging while he does the chore.

Doing the dishes is a good place to start.  Constantly give him instruction and correction.  Every detail.  Make shit up.  It doesn’t matter.

And make him listen and do what you tell him.

Will he find this exercise pleasant?  Probably not.  Who cares?  It’s not about him, anyway.

Now, that does come with a caveat.  He will likely be just as inexperienced at being a sub as you are at being a Domme.  Just making him do something like that, knowing he’s not going to like it, without telling him why or what you’re trying to do is not a good idea.

Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you don’t have to tell him anything.  He’ll simply trust you, trust in your leadership, and obey.

That takes time, and neither of you are there yet.  Before you have him do the chore, tell him what you’re going to be doing and why.  It’ll still be unpleasant for him, but he’ll understand what’s going on and he’ll be eager to help you become more comfortable with leading and correcting him.

Outside of that, make a goal of correcting him once a day.  For anything.  Something small.  Even something stupid.  Tell him he has to hold the remote in his left hand when he changes the channel.  It doesn’t matter.  Just once a day.

And again, tell him what you’re doing and why.  It’ll help you get in the habit of guiding and correcting unwanted behavior, and it’ll help him get in the habit of obeying you even if he’s not into it at that exact moment.  Because he doesn’t get to choose when he obeys you.

This will help you tremendously when your husband makes the kind of mistakes most men in his position make.  You’ll be more sure of yourself, you’ll feel more comfortable reining him in and bringing him to heel when he gets too far ahead or loses focus, and it’ll help him learn faster that he needs to take his cues from you, not his fantasies.

Once you’re more comfortable with correcting him, and you have an idea of what kind of Domme you want to be, it’s time to sit down with him and the two of you figure out exactly where you want the relationship to go.

Because something you’ll both struggle with in the beginning is the level of communication required.  That’s another thing that doesn’t come naturally to most people.  But it’s so crucial to the long term success of a D/s relationship.

Both of you need to discuss what you want from the relationship, your expectations of each other, and what you need to make the relationship successful.  It’s so critical that you are and remain on the same page moving forward.

And as you move forward, just take it slow.  It’s going to go at your pace, not his.  If he tries to bound ahead, don’t be afraid to pull him back.  As time goes on, it’ll get easier and easier, and eventually, you won’t even have to think about it.

Obedience revisited

So I’ve had a few conversations over the last few weeks on the concept of obedience.  And with my last story, more than one person was surprised at the level of obedience in the sub.

A fellow Domme even scoffed at the idea of a sub being that obedient when it’s something he doesn’t want to do.

… Um, what?

There are subs who don’t obey their Owners?  There are Dominants who don’t expect their subs to obey them?

Is this actually a thing?

Maybe I’m just weird, but obedience is kind of a big deal with me.  Like, that’s one of the biggest requirements I have.

I expect to be obeyed.  If I don’t have complete confidence in being obeyed, I’m not interested.

Sounder expressed similar sentiments when I told him about it.

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One of the many reasons I adore him.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I expect from my subs.  And what I think all subs who are not at this point should aspire to.

Does that mean you can’t have limits?  Of course not.  Sounder has limits.  Star has limits.  And both of their limits are absolutely respected, without question.

Does it mean you have to obey a command that is dangerous or illegal or something that you can’t or shouldn’t obey for whatever reason?  Of course not.

There’s a difference between obedience and mindless obedience.  I don’t want mindless obedience, or mindless anything.

My subs have incredible minds and wonderful personalities.  I don’t want to take that away from them.  They’re strong people, I wouldn’t be able to take that away from them if I tried.

If there’s a reason why they can’t or shouldn’t obey me, they tell me.

But “I don’t wanna” is not a good enough reason, folks.

If there’s a reason they can’t or shouldn’t obey me, they need a better reason than “I don’t feel like it.”

For example, if I show up at Sounder’s house after work tomorrow with a man, and tell him to get on his knees so the man could use his mouth, it’s pretty safe to assume he’s not going to want to do it.

But he’s going to do it.

Now, if there’s a reason why he can’t do it, or he shouldn’t do it, that’s a different story.  Maybe he just had dental surgery.  Maybe he’s had migraines all day.  Maybe he’s got the flu.  Maybe his mom is on her way over to his house to have dinner right at that moment.  Maybe he has to be at a work dinner in 30 minutes, and he just came home to change.

I mean, there are a million legitimate reasons why he can’t or shouldn’t obey that command.  And of course he should tell me if there’s anything like that.

Another example was this past Monday, when I went to his house.  I’d told him I wanted us to go to the salon and get pedicures, because he’s eventually going to go dressed as a girl, and we’ll have a girls’ day at the spa.

But because I’m nice, I told him he can wear his boy costume the first time.  And I told him we were going to go on Monday when I got there, and then we’d go back to his house, he’d get out of his boy costume, and we’d do other fun things.

And he immediately tensed up about it.  After explaining his reasons, I asked him if it was a hard limit.  He said no, it wasn’t, but with everything else happening that night, the added stress of a situation he wasn’t comfortable with, coupled with the time it takes him to get dressed up and beautiful for me, would be an edgy, negative kind of stress that could impact the evening.

Which was a really good point.  There was going to be enough else to make him anxious and nervous, and I didn’t want him tense and anxious, so I dropped it, and told him we’ll do it another night.

Easy enough.

Now tact matters.  How you say it matters.  Had Sounder just flat-out told me no, I wouldn’t have been super pleased.  He didn’t tell me no, and he didn’t tell me some version of “I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t wanna.”

He explained, clearly and respectfully, what the consequences of obeying me would be.  I agree with him, that those were not awesome consequences, so I agreed that it wouldn’t happen.

And the way he handled it, and every situation like it, is exactly what I want.

If he hadn’t said anything, and just done what he was told, knowing it would stress him out and impacted the rest of the night, I would’ve wondered what went wrong, and how to fix it.  I probably would’ve told him that he needs to tell me when those kinds of situations come up in the future, so we can avoid it happening again.

If he had flat-out refused, if he had responded with, “No, I’m not doing that,” I would’ve been really, really annoyed.

I’ve been told I’m just slightly unpleasant when I’m annoyed.  Most people who know me try to avoid that.

So either of those options would not have been what I wanted.  Sounder did exactly what he was supposed to do.  He didn’t mindlessly obey me, and he didn’t disrespectfully tell me no.

And yes, I am 100% confident in his obedience.  I can relax, knowing that I’m not going to have to strong-arm him into doing what I want.  I can just enjoy his presence, I can enjoy tormenting him and hurting him and degrading him and all the things I love doing to him.

In his mind, there’s no option but to obey me.  If there’s not a legitimate reason why he can’t or shouldn’t, it’s just not an option.

And that mindset frees him up to just truly experience what I do to him.  He can enjoy the nice things I do to him, and he can endure the not-so-nice things I do to him.  It feels deeper, more real, because he doesn’t have that little voice in the back of his mind urging him to tell me no.

I enjoy fucking with his mind, I enjoy taking him on these crazy mental and emotional roller coasters, I enjoy playing with emotions like fear and dread and humiliation.

And he can let go and simply enjoy the ride.

Topping from the bottom

I realize that topping from the bottom is frowned upon. But why? I know everyone is different. But ultimately the goal  is the sub has to get what he wants. Yes I know that the domina is in charge and is responsible but is the sub always supposed to be silent about what’s happening?  I would think some subs get off just on being submissive,, but I think most like certain things.  Is this one of those bdsm philosophy things,. Or is it something  else?

Alright, so those not familiar with BDSM and D/s relationship dynamics may not know what “Topping from the bottom” is, or why it’s one of the biggest relationship killers out there.

But before I get into that, there is a slight issue with semantics.  Because there are occasionally specific situations in which something is discussed and agreed upon beforehand.  This is usually called “bottoming from the Top,” but different people say different things.

Generally speaking, “Topping from the bottom” is when a sub uses manipulative, deceitful, or passive aggressive methods to get what he wants.

Why is that bad?

Well let’s use a vanilla equivalent.  You’re married.  Your wife makes dinner every night. It’s something she likes to do, and with your work schedules, it makes sense, so she does it.

But she makes pork every night.  Without fail.  And you actually don’t like pork very much.  The first week or so, you just dealt with it because it’s what she wanted.  But as time goes on, it’s becoming a problem.

You have three options:

1.  Stay silent forever, while resentment slowly builds and turns to anger, and before long, you despise her and hate your life.

2.  Say, “I love your cooking, but I’m actually not a huge fan of pork.  Could we try chicken at some point this week?  Or maybe steak?  Whichever you’d prefer, really.  I’d be happy to help if you’re not sure how to make it.”

3.  Say, “Great.  Pork again.  What a surprise, since that’s apparently all you know how to cook.  And since it apparently never occurred to you to ask what I want.  You know, ever.  How about branching out, huh?  Or does your culinary prowess not extend to birds or cows?”

I’ll just come out and say it; Option 1 is unacceptable, and there’s not a whole hell of a lot out there that will piss me off more, or piss me off faster, than discovering my partner has had an ongoing issue they chose not to tell me about.  So we’re just going to throw that one out.

Technically, both 2 and 3 will solve the pork-every-night problem.  One solves the problem in a constructive, mature way, and the other is selfish, disrespectful, demeaning, makes your partner angry and defensive, and causes a great deal more problems down the line.

Topping from the bottom is Option 3.  It’s a childish, selfish, immature way to handle any given situation.

But there is this comment, which caught my eye.

But ultimately the goal is the sub has to get what he wants.

Absolutely not.  At all.

This is a mindset surprisingly common among male submissives (I have yet to meet a female sub with this mindset) and now seems as good a time as any to set the record straight.

No, the ultimate goal of a Femdom is not to have the sub’s wants and desires met.  Not even a little bit.

I’m serious.  That cannot be even remotely a priority in his mind.  At-fucking-all.

And I cannot stress this enough.  It’s something that is so hugely instrumental to the success of a Femdom relationship, and it’s something that a depressingly high number of submissive men just don’t get.

And this mindset kills relationships faster than anything else I’ve seen.  Even I can’t save a relationship from this mindset.

Now, I specifically look for it, and will not even enter into a relationship with a man who thinks this way.

Why?  Because when the sub’s focus is on his wants, his desires, his comfort, his happiness, then his focus cannot be on his Dominant.  What’s more, it stains and tarnishes everything he does.

Because every effort he makes to serve her is with the expectation of, and entitlement to, a reward.  His kinks and desires are forefront in his mind, and pleasing his Domme is merely a means to an end.

It’s a selfish kind of service, contingent upon what he wants, his moods, his libido.  It’s done at his convenience, on his time.

No.  God, no.

His focus cannot be on himself.  At all.  That’s not the way a D/s relationship works.

Now, does that mean he must stay silent?  Of course not.  In fact, I expect my subs to speak up, and am annoyed and irritated (if not flat-out angry) if they don’t.

Subs are people.  They have wants and desires.  They have their kinks, they have their likes and dislikes.  A responsible Domme knows what her subs like, what they want, and makes sure they are fulfilled.  It’s a relationship.  It’s give-and-take.  She can’t neglect her subs.

But she’s human.  She’s going to fuck up.  When she does, it’s the sub’s responsibility to tell her.  And it’s the sub’s responsibility to be tactful, polite, and constructive when he does.  Whether she’s neglecting a kink he loves, or focusing on something he hates, or an act causes an unexpectedly strong reaction, anything.  It’s his job to tell her.

Of course, if he tells her, and she doesn’t adjust, then that’s on her, not him.  That’s not something he can control, and it may be time to consider leaving the relationship if his needs aren’t being met.

But his job is to serve her.  Period.  End of story.  That must be his goal for any relationship with me (I obviously can’t speak for every Domme, but for the life of me, I can’t think of a single 24/7 dynamic where that would work), if it’s going to last.

It goes back to my favorite quote:

A sub sacrifices control for freedom, and a Dominant sacrifices freedom for control.

The whole point of a Femdom relationship is that he serves her, putting her needs unequivocally above his own, trusting that she’s going to take care of him.  That’s why it’s so important that the Domme be held to high standards, and that she be in complete control of herself, because if he’s not focusing on his needs, and she’s not focusing on his needs, there’s a problem.

And he puts the ability to meet his needs and his wants in her hands, understanding that sometimes, she’ll meet every desire, and sometimes, she’ll withhold it all.  Accommodating his desires is completely at her discretion, and she is under no obligation to tell him if/when/how she will accommodate his desires.  And should she decide to withhold them, she is under no obligation to tell him why, for how long, or what she’s working toward.

Should he start getting concerned, of course he’s welcome to discuss it with her in a constructive and polite manner, rather than topping from the bottom, and then it will be her responsibility to reassure him, comfort him, and remind him that she will take care of him.  But even then, she’s under no obligation to tell him anything about what she’s thinking.  Because that’s not the point.

He’s supposed to trust her even when he doesn’t understand why.  He’s supposed to serve her with the understanding that she could spend an entire weekend accommodating his every desire or fantasy if she wants to, or she could lock him in a dog kennel and leave him there the entire weekend, completely ignoring him.  It’s completely up to her.  Responsible Dommes understand that there needs to be a balance, and that every relationship is give-and-take, but that’s her job, that’s her focus. Not his.

That’s the ultimate goal in a Femdom relationship.  For the sub to serve the Domme, meet her needs, put her wants and desires about his own.

Because a well-served Dominant is happy Dominant, and a happy Dominant is an attentive Dominant.

Let me clarify

So based on comments, messages, and emails I’ve gotten, it appears that I wasn’t quite as clear in my Wake-Up Call post as I could’ve been.

So to clarify: No, I am not saying that a submissive man should have to come out to his vanilla friends, or his family, or in his professional life.

Who he is in the bedroom really isn’t anyone’s business, and if he doesn’t want them to know, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I was talking specifically about a submissive man being out at a kink event only.  Such as a munch, or a play party.  A place with other kinky people.  Not vanilla people.  Not people he knows.

And no, despite (extremely) popular opinion, going to a kink event as a submissive man will have no effect on a man’s vanilla life, either personally or professionally.  Kazander learned that, himself, when he saw one of his coworkers at a munch.  Literally zero effect on his professional life or on his career.

I mean, if someone were to see their parents or something at a munch or play party, that might be awkward, but you’d actually be surprised how often that sort of thing happens.

Because think about it:  If you’re at a munch, everyone at the munch is there for the same thing.  It’s the same reason I’m not worried if someone I know finds the blog.  Because they’d have to read a lot of the blog to figure out who I am, and at that point, they can’t judge me when they’re spending that much time reading a Femdom blog.

Someone at a munch cannot judge you for being at a munch.

And also, despite (extremely) popular opinion, you are not required to write “SUBMISSIVE MAN” on your forehead when you go to a munch, m’kay.

I mean, 99% of the people Kazander and I spoke to at munches knew what our dynamic was, but most of our conversations were just vanilla conversations about normal things.

For example, there’s a woman at the mixed group that I don’t talk to a lot, but only because we hang around in different smaller groups.  I love her to death, she’s adorable, and I love talking to her.

Four years into us going to the munches regularly (and to the local dungeon, when it was open), she hugged me as we walked in.  Kazander went to the bar to get me a drink, and when he left, she said, “So what do you call him?  Your Sir?  Your Daddy?”

I laughed and said, “I call him my bitch.”

Four years, I’d known her, and after four years, she thought he was the Dom, and I was the sub.  Because he is large and intimidating, and can be rather intense, while I’m more laid-back and relaxed.

And also because it’s just not advertised.  I don’t need to lead him around with a collar and leash, okay.  I don’t need to make it obvious.  A munch is in a vanilla place.  No one makes it obvious.  Obvious shit like leading someone around on a collar and leash is actually frowned upon at munches.

So you can go to a munch without shouting from the rooftops that you’re a submissive man.  And again, everyone else at the munch is there for the same thing.

And the vanilla people at the venue, who aren’t part of the munch, don’t know what’s going on at all.  I’ve been to tons of munches at bars, restaurants, even a coffee shop, and none of the vanilla people ever knew.  We don’t dress in leather or fetish wear, okay.  We’re just a group of people hanging out.

There is literally no negative effect on one’s vanilla life.  There just isn’t.

I mean, think about it.  In Nevada, BDSM is illegal.  You cannot consent to be hit, in any way, shape, or form, under any circumstances.  Which is why we don’t have dungeons here.

So forget about submissive men for a second, and just look at Dominant men.  If a negative effect on one’s vanilla life were possible, it’s actually the Dominant men in this state that would suffer the most for it.  Because they’re the ones who are literally committing crimes behind closed doors.

They still go to munches.  Because going to a munch no effect on one’s vanilla life.  Like, I’m not making this shit up.  It’s true.  Going to a munch will not have any sort of impact on your vanilla life.  Going to a munch as a submissive man will not have any sort of impact on your vanilla life.

It just won’t.

The other thing I take issue with is a submissive man refusing to introduce his significant other to his friends or family because she is his Dominant, and he has an irrational and unfounded fear that someone will find out.

Which, unless your Dominant is completely psychotic (in which case, why did you offer your submission to her in the first place?), is not ever going to happen.

For example, when I moved in with Kazander, I would’ve had a serious issue if he refused to introduce me to his friends or family, despite the fact that we were living together.

And no, that doesn’t mean I would expect him (or any submissive) to introduce me as his Dominant.

I mean, what are people expecting?  How do you think that conversation would go?

“Yeah, Jen, these are all my drinking buddies.  Guys, this is my Mistress.  She owns me.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all.  Yeah, I totally bent him over and fucked him up the ass last night.  Did we get here in time for happy hour?”

I mean, seriously?

But this is apparently what a hefty chunk of submissive men actually think is going to happen.

When Kazander introduced me to his family and friends, he introduced me as his girlfriend.  When I introduced him to my vanilla friends and family, I introduced him as my boyfriend.

There is no negative effect of introducing your girlfriend to your vanilla friends and family, y’all.

And again, what we are and what we do in private is no one’s business.  Kazander’s family knows that I’m the one “in charge,” but that’s not a novel or unique thing.  Plenty of vanilla relationships are more or less “run” by the female partner.

I’ve never let anything slip about him being my sub, in the seven years that I’ve been with him.  As I said in the post, I will go out of my way to protect him from being found out.

And actually, I was talking about that with Sounder recently.  As I’ve said, I am transforming his bed into a pink, lacy, sissy bed.  The bedset actually just got in today, and I can’t wait to put it on his bed.  And eventually, I’m going to turn his entire house into a sissy paradise.

Which he won’t be able to hide from vanilla friends and family.

So I had a couple ideas for things he could tell his vanilla friends and family to explain all the pink.

His friends were easy, and it doesn’t even require outright lying.  Just stretching the truth with a couple little white lies.

Here’s something he could potentially tell his friends and his guy buddies:

Yeah, my girlfriend has a thing for pink.  She keeps bringing stuff over because she likes the way it looks.  She says it turns her on.  Yeah, it’s a little weird.

But you know what?

She’s a woman barely out of her twenties, with the most insatiable sex drive I’ve ever seen.  If she only makes me cum 10 times a week, it’s a slow week.  It’s hard to be upset about pink throw pillows on the couch when you’re mid-blowjob, about to have your 8th orgasm of the week, and it’s only Wednesday.

And aside from the blowjob thing, all of that is true.  Sissifying and feminizing him and his house turns me on.  Forcing him to live in a sissy house is fucking hot.  And I am barely out of my twenties, and my sex drive is pretty damn insatiable.

And because he has multiple orgasms (like a girl), it’s common for him to have more than ten orgasms when I fuck him.  Him having his 8th orgasm of the week on a Wednesday is completely feasible and realistic.

It’s all true.

But a couple weeks ago, he had his adult niece in town, and I realized that the story wouldn’t work for everyone.  Female relatives, female friends, some more conservative guests… there are plenty of potential situations where he probably shouldn’t talk about his girlfriend giving him multiple blowjobs.

So he’d need something else.  And while the story I came up with is not even remotely true, and a bit more involved, it would be much more appropriate for things like sisters/mothers/female relatives/professional associates/whatever.

So I met this girl awhile back.  She was in this horribly abusive relationship, and every time she tried to get away, he just made her life hell, and he threatened to hurt her or her family if she ever went to the cops or got a restraining order or anything like that.

She felt stuck, and didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t just do nothing, you know.  I helped her get away, I protected her from him until she could get on her feet, and eventually he left her alone.

But we started hanging out, and started seeing each other.

She’d been with him most of her adult life, though, so it’s like she’s still not even sure of who she is outside of his influence.  And she’s so nervous about having her voice heard.  So when I found out that she liked pink, and always wanted a place with a lot of feminine touches, I encouraged her to go for it.

But she still doesn’t feel really safe or comfortable at her place, so I let her do it at mine.  And she was just kept down so much, you know, for so long, I wanted to just indulge her with this, and let her go nuts.  Having a pink house is annoying, but it’s definitely worth making her feel validated and helping her figure out who she is as a woman.

I mean, who could possibly fault him for that?  Not only is it plausible, but it totally makes him look like the hero.  He could tell that story, and everyone who hears it will think he has a pink house because he’s a knight in shining armor who rescued the damsel in distress, and sacrificed his own comfort and personal taste to help a woman feel good about herself.

But of course, he would know the truth.  He’d know that he has a pink house because he’s a sissy bitch.

The point is that I don’t expect any submissive man to come out in his vanilla life, to his vanilla friends.  There’s no point to it.  I’m not out to most of my vanilla friends, or my family.  Because why?  Whose business is it what I do with my subs behind closed doors?

None of Kazander’s friends or family know what we do in private, and I have no desire to change that.  As far as everyone thinks, I’m his wife.  And as far as everyone thinks, it’s a normal, monogamous relationship.

When I meet Sounder’s vanilla friends and family, none of them are ever going to know what we do in private.  As far as everyone will think, I’m his girlfriend.  And as far as everyone will think, it’s a normal, monogamous relationship.

Well……….

Except for one, that is.

Because I’m going to meet his guy friends, and get to know them a bit.  Then, I’m going to pick one.

I have a specific set of criteria he’ll have to meet, a specific personality type, a specific physical type, a specific mentality and attitude.

Once I find the one who meets that criteria, I’m going to pull him aside, when Sounder isn’t around.

And I’m going to arrange something very, very fun.

Allow me to set the scene.  I’m at Sounder’s house, with him dressed in his lovely sissy clothes, kneeling on his pink sissy bed.  I’m going to blindfold him and put noise-canceling headphones on him.

Then, I’ll go and open the front door, and let the friend in.  I’ll lead the friend upstairs, to see Sounder tied up, dressed up, and on his knees.

And Sounder will suck his dick.  And swallow his load, obviously.

Then, I will leave Sounder there and walk the friend out before untying him and taking the blindfold off.

And Sounder will have no idea which of his friends have shot their load in his mouth.  He’ll never know which of his friends have seen him in all his sissy glory.

And, as he pointed out when I described that scenario to him, in great, glorious detail, even if he suspected who it might be, it’s not like he could ever ask the guy about it.

So I mean, one of his friends will know.  Which is going to be so amazingly, wonderfully, incredibly awesome.

But, you know, no one else will know.

My point is that no, you don’t have to out yourself in your vanilla life.  That’s not what I was saying.

I was saying that refusing to go to or accompany your Domme to a kink event is a dick move.  And I was saying that refusing to introduce your girlfriend to the other people in your life because of your D/s dynamic is a dick move.

So basically, I’m saying don’t be a dick.

Wake-up call

I received this comment on my Feeding the Troll post.

Well, thanks for triggering me with what a lot of guys in my age range have always suspected; being, or even just acting submissive, is a major turn-off for women.

*retreats to safe space*

I’m being cheeky here, but I’m bringing up a serious point: Her attitude is something that has kept a lot of guys like me from even bringing up the topic. Or we sound out our partners in these convoluted ways so as not to attract suspicion. Or we play it up for laughs. And even when we have a partner who seems indulgent, we still keep the idea in the back of our heads that she’s just playing along and slowly losing respect for us. And the way submissive men get portrayed in the media certainly doesn’t help.

Oh, and thanks for sticking up for us.

You’re absolutely right.  Bigoted, ignorant idiots are everywhere, and the social stigma surrounding submissive men, particularly in the US, is still going strong.

But I beg you, and every man like you, not to let these idiots discourage you from coming out about who you are.

These idiots don’t just demean and remove value from submissive men, but from all men, and women, as well.

One article discussed the idea of masculinity and submission, and touched on the reasons for so many within the kink community being “uncomfortable” with male submission, including one particular Dom’s reaction: “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

*Edit* Tough fucking love time, because as I was editing and rereading this longwinded shit in my current mood, I decided to add something, and break it up into two posts.  Because before I get into all the psychology and studies and statistics and evidence that shows why idiots are idiots, I want to add something a little more blunt.  

This is directed to all submissive men who have been guilty of the attitudes I’m going to address, not specifically at the commenter or the specific situations he described.  And yeah, I’m in a fucking mood, so this isn’t going to be particularly nice.  Deal with it.  Hopefully this’ll be a wake-up call for at least some of you.

Here’s a life lesson: not everyone is going to be into you.  Not everyone is going to want you.  Not everyone is going to respect you.  But, to paraphrase something I told a BBW who wrote me about the concern that not every man is going to be into BBWs, who the fuck cares?

Welcome to the world of straight women.  We’ve only been dealing with the same thing for a few thousand years.  You think everyone is into me?  You think everyone respects me?  You think no one looks down at me?

You think I fucking care?

You think I care that some straight woman, that I will never fuck or be in a relationship with, thinks I’m not a “real woman?”  You think I care that a shitload of Doms, who I will never be even remotely interested in romantically or sexually, don’t respect me?  In a vanilla equivalent, you think I care that some super fit health nut gets all condescending because I’m a BBW, and tells me I’m not beautiful?

No.  I don’t.

Because A) I don’t base my worth as a person on how strangers view me, and B) there is literally no shortage of people who do think I’m a real woman, who respect me, who think I’m beautiful.  So fuck the people who don’t.  I don’t care.

Dommes everywhere are annoyed as fuck because it feels like submissive men care more about the opinions of strangers, strangers they don’t even want relationships with (like submissive women and Dominant men), than they care about us.  The people who desperately want them.

It’s annoying.  In most cases, it’s damn infuriating.  That Dom said, “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

Well, I want to tell you all the same goddamn thing.

You have no idea how it feels to be a Domme and constantly feel unwanted because of a submissive man’s insecurity.  You’re all so busy worrying about what strangers will think about you, or what vanilla women will think of you, you don’t even realize that you’re completely snubbing the women who adore you.

You’re so goddamn busy being ashamed of who you are, you don’t even realize that your actions consistently make Dommes feel like you’re ashamed of them.  You’re so worried about vanilla women and submissive women, you’re completely ignoring the millions of women who are at the fucking munches, waiting for you, hoping you’ll grow enough balls to show the fuck up.

And even when you do find a Domme, you’re so busy trying to keep your dynamic a secret, keep her a secret, that you don’t even notice how shitty you’re treating her, how you’re making her feel.

Do you have any fucking idea how tough it is to be a Dominant woman when, not only do the vanilla world and Maledom world not want you, but even the straight sub men are ashamed to be associated with you?

Do you have any idea what kind of strength it takes to continue being who you are when even the men who say they want you are telling you you’re wrong for being who you are?

You bitch about how jaded and rude we are when you message us.  You whine and complain about how hard it is to find a “real Domme.”

Fuck you.

Where do you think that comes from?  How do you think we got so guarded in the first place?

You did it.  You did it by being ashamed of us, you did it by being sexist pigs in your messages to us, continuing the pattern of caring only about yourselves, and your fantasies, and how we can satisfy your desires, while refusing to see us as people.  You did it by insulting us or threatening us when we called you out for being sexist pigs.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from Dominant men in the last year?  Seven.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from submissive men in the last year?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally thousands.

When are you going to wake the fuck up and realize that the Maledom world isn’t the problem?

The bigots are not the problem.  Bigots exist in every group.  One of you go ask a gay or a trans or a black or a Muslim person how many times they’ve dealt with bigots.

They still have the strength to be who they are in the face of bigotry.  Why don’t you?

Male Doms, even the assholes, are not the problem.  Submissive women, even the bitches, are not the problem.  Vanilla people are not the problem.

You are the fucking problem.

I’ve been a Domme for 15 years.  And for 15 years, I’ve consistently had submissive men be ashamed of me.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t shout from the rooftops that he’s my submissive.  It doesn’t matter that I work hard, and will outright lie, to protect him from being found out.

Because A) our private life is no one else’s business, and B) his ego is too fragile to handle being found out.  So I work to keep it from happening.  And there is nothing I won’t do or say to protect him.

I will imply that he’s the dominant partner in a vanilla relationship, and if it’s discovered that we’re kinky, I’ll say he’s the Dom (once, when an ex’s sister found a pink collar with the word “Bitch” on it in rhinestones, and he panicked, I told her that he was the Dom, and I was the sub, and I wore the collar.  That’s the most extreme, but it’s not the only time I’ve claimed to be the sub).

I’ll tell his friends I suck his cock every day, or that I let him fuck me in the ass.  I’ll change details of real stories to make him seem like “the man,” like I did when Kazander told his friends I’d arranged to have a stripper suck his cock.  I’ll tell his family that I hurry to fulfill his every beck and call, which is why Kazander still brags to his family and friends that he never changed a diaper.  I’ve overheard his guy friends tell him he has me well trained.  I don’t care.  You know, it’s the whole I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think-of-me-thing, and the my-self-worth-is-not-tied-into-other-people’s-opinions-of-me thing.

Some of his guy friends think I’m a pushover.  Some of them, because of things he’s said and things I have said and done, don’t respect me at all.

Go ahead.  Ask me if I care.

I do all that, I go that far out of my way, and I will continue to do it, because I can handle it.  I can handle people, even people I see and interact with on a regular basis, even relatives and family friends, not thinking highly of me.

I will always do it, with every sub who needs it, because he is worth it to me.  Because I care more about him than I do anyone else.  And I’ve been dealing with it for 15 years.  It’s nothing for me to deal with it.  I recognize that it’s not nothing for someone who has never dealt with it to be thrown into that.  So I will happily and proudly protect him.  As long as that’s enough, I’m content and happy.

But most of the time, that’s still not enough.  He’s still too ashamed.  Both of himself, and of me.

“No!  No one can ever know about you!  What if someone finds out?  What if something happens?  What if something slips out?  What if someone walks in on us?  What if someone finds out that I like pick-a-fetish?  I just can’t handle it.  I can’t be proud and unapologetic of who I am!  I have to be like everyone else, so people don’t make fun of me!”

You deal with that fucking bullshit for 15 years, and then you tell me how I shouldn’t be jaded and guarded when I get messages from people I don’t know.  You deal with being someone’s dirty secret for 15 years, and then you tell me I’m being too hostile.

Go on.  I’ll wait.

Fuck the vanilla world and the Maledom world.  You’re the ones we care about.  And you’re the ones who are hitting us the hardest.  Because you’re too busy caring about everyone else more than you care about us.

Want to know why the stigma against submissive men is still going strong?  Despite all the shit I’m going to explain, complete with links to the polls and studies, in my next post?

It’s because you’re all ashamed.  You’re too scared and too weak and too pathetic to come out and say it’s okay.

Because you’re too damn weak to stand up and say, “Yeah, this is who I am.  Don’t like it?  Fuck you.”

And that stigma is never going to change as long as you children can’t man the fuck up and be who you are.  You’re all still stuck in high school, worried about being made fun of by the jocks and the cool kids.

No but yeah, keep whining about how hard it is to be a submissive man in today’s world.  Keep telling me how it feels to know that the vanilla world and the Maledom world don’t respect you.  Keep telling me just how awful it is.

And then go to a munch, and look at all the Dominant women there, and count how many of them have a submissive man willing to be seen in public with them.  Count how many of them have met their sub’s friends and family.  Count how many of them have ever been seen as anything more than a dirty fucking secret.

Count how many submissive men are proud to be with the women who want them.

Seriously, many of you are even worse than the bigots.  And you’re too busy being self-centered, insecure children to even notice what you’re doing to the women who love you.

So yeah, that Dom had the right idea.  Be a fucking man.

If I’m man enough to be myself despite the fact that a hefty chunk of the population disapproves, if I’m man enough to tell the world to fuck off when they tell me I shouldn’t be who I am and want what I want, if I’m man enough to break free from the sheep,  then I fucking expect it of the actual men around me.

Lupus non curat iudicia ovium, bitches.  The wolf doesn’t care about the opinions of sheep.

So which one are you?

 

Feeding the Troll

So I’ll just come out and say it. I don’t like submissive men. I don’t like anything about them. I don’t talk to them, I don’t associate with them, I don’t befriend them, I don’t want anything to do with them.  I don’t like when they approach me at events and try to talk to me. I don’t want them.

I want a real man, a strong man who can make me feel like a woman, because as much as you may enjoy pretending you like being the one in charge you can’t fight evolution. We are animals. We have instincts. We have evolved to find that alpha male attractive because he’s our best chance at furthering the species.

We don’t live in caves anymore so people don’t feel those instincts as much. But when you get down to it we both know that if we were living thousands of years ago submissive men would’ve died out and would’ve never been able to reproduce.

I mean I’m a feminist so I believe that a woman has the right to choose her own life. If you want to be with submissive men then that’s what you want. I just don’t understand how any woman could want that.

No woman can feel complete unless she has a strong man protecting her. Women need men to complete us. We have a literal hole inside us that only a man can fill. And that is symbolic of what it means to be a man and a woman. He is designed to fill, and she is designed to be filled. No matter what no one can deny that.

Some random ignorant twat

O00h, this is going to be so much fun.

So let me make sure I’m understanding you correctly.  You’re saying that only Dominant men can be real men, and only submissive women can be real women.  What’s more, only straight Dominant men can be real men, and only straight submissive women can be real women.

Okay, awesome.

I mean, first of all, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.  Submissive men don’t want you, either.

A submissive man wants a real woman, who is capable of challenging him and holding her own against him, instead of automatically just bowing to him and giving in.  He doesn’t want some weak-willed doormat who will just do whatever he says.  He wants a partner who will drive him to be the best version of himself.  Meek, timid, weak little girls bore him.

Wait, but am I making a metric fuckton of (incorrect) assumptions about submissive women?  And what those women have to offer their Dominants?

Look at that, I sure as fuck am.  Just like you are.

I’m doing it to prove a point.  You’re doing it because you’re an idiot.  Subtle differences, you know.

But there is one sentence I said up there that is completely true.  Submissive men don’t want you.  Like, honestly.  They don’t.  If they approach you at events, it’s because they’re trying to be civil, and polite, and friendly, and respectful.

Which, just based on that, makes them exponentially better submissives than you could ever hope to be, and their behavior reflects favorably on their Dominants, while your behavior here does the exact opposite.

I’m serious, I would be ashamed if anyone I owned ever did anything like what you’ve done here.  That relationship would end so goddamn fast, and I’d do everything in my power to distance myself, my name, and my reputation from that kind of psychosis.

I can only assume that you are either owned by as ignorant an asshole as you are (and unfortunately, I do know one of those here in town.  He’s an entertaining guy), or that you’re unowned because every sane Dominant man gets one peek at your special brand of crazy and runs far away, before you have the chance to ruin his reputation.

And honestly, it’s my firm belief that there’s a special place in hell for every submissive woman who gives submissive men shit for being who they are and wanting what they want.

I mean, fuck, you know what it feels like.  I have no doubt you’ve gotten at least some indirect flak, at the very least, from feminazis about being submissive, about “contributing to the Patriarchy” or some ridiculous shit.

You know what that feels like, to be told you shouldn’t want to follow your partner’s lead within a romantic relationship.  You know what it feels like to be told you shouldn’t be who you are.

And yet, you’re turning around and doing the same damn thing to submissive men (and gay people of all genders and orientations, but don’t worry, I’ll get to that).  I mean, that’s just a remarkable level of hypocrisy.

So yeah, you’re just an idiot.  And I can say with relative certainty that any sane Dominant man would be ashamed to be associated with such a backward, psychotic, sexist, homophobic, bigoted bitch.

I mean, don’t just take my word for it.  I have quite a few followers who are Dominant men,  and I urge those men to weigh in here and speak for themselves.  This psycho has no reason to listen to anything I say, because I’m not a “real woman,” apparently.  But she would likely put more weight on the words and opinions of “real men.”

So gentlemen, comment here and tell her yourselves.  She has shown that she will likely not listen to a damn word I say, but perhaps she’ll listen to you.

Oh, and the whole fill-or-be-filled thing is just hilarious.  I mean, I’m sorry, I just had to laugh at that.  That is literally the single stupidest argument I have ever heard for male supremacy.  And I’ve heard plenty of stupid arguments.  None have ever even come close to that, though.  You definitely win that contest.

Someone get this bitch a trophy.

So gay men, who have zero interest in “filling” a woman, aren’t real men?  What about trans men?  Chances are, any given trans man probably has a vagina (since ftm sexual reassignment surgery doesn’t boast the success rate and levels of safety that mtf sexual reassignment surgery does).  Is he “not a real man” because he doesn’t “fill a woman” with a flesh-and-blood penis?

And what about trans women?  Are they not “real women?”  Or are they only “real women” after they’ve completed their transition, and have a vagina, and are straight?

And what about gay women, who have zero interest in “being filled” by a man?  Are they not real women?  Can they never be satisfied or feel “complete?”

You know, I was just with Star yesterday, and she certainly seemed satisfied and complete to me.  I didn’t see her just yearning for a man’s cock to fill her.  And I didn’t see her suffering for lack of a man’s cock to fill her.

Know what I saw?

I saw a confident, vibrant, passionate woman who is sure of herself and knows exactly what she wants, and goes after what she wants.  I saw a woman who doesn’t need to mask her insecurity with misogyny, misandry (I’m actually impressed how you’ve managed to write a message that is filled with both), and homophobia.

She doesn’t need to do that shit.  Because she’s not insecure.  She’s not uncomfortable with who she is.  She’s not unhappy with who she is.  In short, she’s not a judgmental, prejudiced, ignorant, bigoted cunt.

Unlike some people, apparently.

And you know who else isn’t insecure?  Sounder, who I saw this evening.  I didn’t see a weak-willed man who would’ve died out if we still lived in caves (I was actually impressed by that line of logic, too, by the way.  That’s another one I’ve never heard before.  And here I thought I’d heard all the toxic-masculinity, sexist, uneducated, small-minded, anti-submissive-man bullshit.  So I learned something today).

I didn’t see an insecure asshole who needs to push his self image issues on to other people.

Know what I saw?

I saw a confident, self-assured, dynamic man who doesn’t need to go around bragging about what an “Alpha Male” he is, because his actions speak for him.  I saw a man who puts others first, without hesitation, a perfect, chivalrous gentleman, protective and caring, who has an inner strength that never ceases to astound me.

Hell, he’s a sissy, and he’s more of a man than those idiots who run around shouting from the rooftops about their Alpha Male-ness.  No matter how much I feminize him, no matter what I do to him, he will always be more of a man than the type of psychotic Dominant who would approve of your behavior.  He will always put those little boys to shame.

I feel sorry for you, because you’ll never know what a real man, Dominant or submissive, gay or straight, can be.  You’ll never witness the strength, dignity, and compassion that a real man possesses.  All you’ll ever know are the stupid, small-minded, ignorant idiots like you.

That’s not a man, that’s a child.  And you’re not a woman, you’re a scared, insecure little girl.  I pity you.

Because Star is more of a woman than you’ll ever be, and Sounder is more of a man than you’ll ever get.