Strap-ons and Insertables

Domina Jen,

I love that you love pegging your subs.  But I don’t really understand why you like it.  It doesn’t give you any physical pleasure, does it?  I read that you use a strap-on harness instead of something strapless like a Feeldoe.  Why wouldn’t you want a Feeldoe?  Or any of the brands that can give you pleasure?  Why wouldn’t you want to enjoy yourself while you peg a sub?

I guess I just don’t really get the point if you don’t get any pleasure from it.  I don’t know if I would be comfortable being fucked by someone who wasn’t really enjoying themselves.

Thanks for your time.


Well, Jeff…

Obviously you’ve read enough of my blog to gather that my strap-on isn’t “strapless.”  However, I’m not entirely sure how you can read that much of my blog and think I’m not thoroughly enjoying myself when I fuck my boys.

And interestingly enough, I’ve had three different conversations about this very subject in the past few weeks.

First of all, I do have a Feeldoe.  Specifically, I have this one.

Somewhere around my house.  I think it’s under my bathroom sink.  Or maybe it’s hidden in the back of my underwear drawer.  Or Kazander’s underwear drawer.  Or Kazander’s sock drawer.

I dunno

I dunno

I haven’t used it in a couple of years, and I have no real intention to use it anytime soon.

Don’t get me wrong.  It looks sexy as fuck when I’ve got it in, and I do like that I can “feel” Kazander’s ass more when I fuck him with it.

But I’ve got a couple of problems with it.

First of all, the bulb that goes inside is pretty damn big.  Like, to the point that putting it in and taking it out is a somewhat unpleasant experience.  Once it’s in, it’s comfortable enough, but putting it in and taking it out is a pain.  Literally.

Secondly, and most importantly, the damn thing doesn’t stay put.  I mean, I don’t have the problem that other women have of it falling out, I’m apparently too tight for that.  But it won’t stay in place.  It moves back and forth as I’m fucking.  It doesn’t have anything to brace against.  It just literally hangs between my legs.  So when I go to thrust, it just moves back.

I have to keep my thighs together to hold it in place.  Which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you’re a guy, try fucking someone, and keeping your legs pressed firmly together the whole damn time.  It’s fucking annoying.  I can’t really get into it, because every time I go to change position, I have to readjust the Feeldoe.

And I’m not the only one who experiences problems with the Feeldoe.  One of my boys showed me this article he found, talking about the problems women commonly have with it.  The Feeldoe just isn’t a feasible, realistic option for a woman into heavy strap-on play.  At least not on its own.

I’ve heard that you can use a harness to keep it in place.  And that’s all well and good.  Except my harness isn’t one that you can use the Feeldoe with.  And if I have to choose between my $150 Feeldoe and my $40 harness, I’ll take my harness every damn time.

I’m no stranger to strap-on harnesses.  Throughout the years, I’ve had and worn dozens, ranging from the cheapest of the cheap to more than $100.  I’ve tried the name brands and the no-name brands.

And the one I have now is the most comfortable, the easiest to put on and take off, the easiest to adjust, the easiest to maneuver when fucking, it’s just fucking awesome.

So I’m not in a huge rush to go through all that nonsense again to get a harness that can be worn with the Feeldoe.

For those that are interested, here’s my harness.  I bought it from one of the adult stores in town.  If you’re a BBW like I am, there does not exist a more amazing harness.

And in answer to your question, Jeff, no, I don’t get any physical pleasure from it.  There’s nothing inside me, nothing stimulates my clit while I fuck (and unless I’m fucking Kazander, I’m usually fully clothed, anyway).

But still, the comment you made about not enjoying myself and not seeing the point of it kind of hurts my head.

Like, I waited almost a week to answer this question, simply because I just didn’t know where to start.

First of all, I really, totally, completely, utterly, wholly, abso-fucking-lutely enjoy myself while I’m pegging my boys.  Hell, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy it.  It’s one of my very favorite things to do.  I have trouble articulating just how hot it is, just how much I love it.

Why do I love it?  Lots of reasons.

First of all, when I’m in a session, I’m not focused on my own physical pleasure.  Like, at all.  And cue the collective gasps.

But I think a lot of people, both my friends and my readers, really underestimate the amount of pleasure I get from Dominating a boy.  When I’m in a session, my mind is on high alert, going a mile a minute, hyper-aware and unbelievably observant.  I’m constantly assessing and reassessing, my goals constantly changing with each new idea.

Those who have played with me more than once know well enough to cringe whenever I say, “Ooooh!”

That means I’ve just had a new awesome idea, a new thing I want to do to him.  And when it happens during a session, my boys know that they’re about to be pushed pretty far.

But I’m so excited about what I’m doing to my boy, I’m so unbelievably turned on by the squirming, the writhing, the moaning and begging, I don’t want it to end.  I want to take him deeper into subspace, I want to mold his headspace and his emotional state, I want to use a combination of mental/emotional manipulation and physical stimuli to keep him overwhelmed and rattled.  I want to break him, to destroy him, to beat and abuse him.

I want to do all of that, and I have an unbelievable amount of fun doing it.  So why would I want to stop all that and have him give me oral, and potentially completely derail the pace of the session?

Now, I should point out that, until I met Kazander, I couldn’t cum.  At all.  Ever.  I’d never had an orgasm.  I was 23 years old when I met him (I can’t remember how long after I met him that I had my first orgasm), and became sexually active at 14.

So for the first decade of my sexual life, orgasm wasn’t an option.  It just wasn’t.  There are a ton of theories why, and the vast majority of people I’ve told have had an opinion about why they think it wasn’t.  And every man I ever told took it as a challenge.  It was annoying, and I was tired of dealing with the teenage therapists and the big-headed boys who thought that the only reason I hadn’t orgasmed yet is because I hadn’t been with them.

I stopped telling people.  I was tired of the “you’re not having the right kind of sex” and the “you just haven’t found a skilled enough man” and all of that nonsense.  I started faking orgasms when I noticed that not being able to give a woman an orgasm really fucks with a lot of men, even though the woman is thoroughly enjoying herself.  And that irritated the hell out of me.  Like, I was quite obviously enjoying myself.  I was vocal during sex, I wanted it all the goddamn time, and I was hugely enthusiastic about it.  But because I couldn’t cum, quite a few guys freaked out, and acted like it was a blow to their manhood or some insecure macho bullshit (my opinion of men in general was pretty low in my late teens and early twenties.  I was wildly irresponsible with my boys and danced across that line between sane and stupid, mostly because I didn’t think enough of them to care about causing damage.  And part of the reason why I didn’t love the gender as a whole was because of the orgasm nonsense).  It was starting to interfere with my sex life, so I just faked it and called it a day.

And really, the absence of orgasms didn’t affect me.  At all.  I didn’t miss it.  I had never had one, so I didn’t know what I was missing.  I still felt satisfied and mellow after sex or oral.  I would have a boy give me oral for half an hour or so, or however long I wanted, then I’d fake an orgasm to make him stop, and then I’d roll over and go to sleep, completely relaxed and sated.  Even during sessions when I wasn’t touched at all, I was still having an obscene amount of fun, and my lust was insatiable.  So who the fuck cared that I couldn’t cum?  I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal for everyone else.  There was so much more to a session, so much more to sex than just cumming.

When I was 16, I started to explore BDSM.  So as I came into my own as a Dominant, my orgasm was never a priority.  Cumming was never a goal of mine.  My attitudes toward my sexuality, my kinks, my Dominance, and sex in general were colored by my inability to reach orgasm and my complete indifference to whether or not I’d ever have one.

When I finally came, I loved it, of course.  But my style, my preferences, my BDSM kinks and turn-ons/turn-offs had already had 8 years of development at that point.  I had a pretty good idea of who I was and what I liked.  The addition of orgasms didn’t really change that.

So today, nothing’s really changed.  I can cum, sure.  But I can cum on my own using a wand, and it feels just as good.  When I’m in a session, there’s just so much else going on that I’m so much more excited about.

And when I’m fucking a boy, I just throw myself into the moment.  I’m deep in that Dommespace, I’m hyper-aware and completely attuned to him and his reactions to what I’m doing to him.  It honestly doesn’t even occur to me to think about my own physical pleasure.  I’m just having too much fun in the moment.  I’m too revved up.  I don’t want to stop.

If someone is that hung up on whether or not I’m getting physical pleasure, that they “wouldn’t be comfortable” playing with me, a) that person obviously isn’t someone I’m interested in playing with, and b) that kinda sounds like they’re more concerned about their own comfort and enjoyment, rather than mine.

So you’re “not comfortable” unless I have specifically the kind of enjoyment you think I should have?  Um, no dear.  That’s not the way I work.

I do my sessions my way, the way I want.  I understand that it may be rather “different” for a Domme to not be focused on her own physical pleasure, but it’s important to remember that, just because I’m not focused on my physical pleasure doesn’t mean I’m not focused on my pleasure.