Mistakes men make

One of the reasons I love this blog (other than the fact that it feeds my shameless narcissism, of course) is that it gives me the opportunity to connect with many different people, from all over the globe, from all different walks of life.

Being the innate people-helper, anthropologist, and amateur psychologist that I am, I also love hearing other people’s journeys.  I enjoy those deep, probing conversations.  And the awesome thing about the conversations taking place through email is that there’s a degree of anonymity that you can’t get anywhere else.  People often feel more comfortable sharing these incredibly personal stories, because I don’t know, and will likely never know, who they are.

And often, I get emails from people who need help, and have sometimes been able to provide advice.  Whether it’s how to leave an abusive relationship masquerading as a D/s one, how to approach a Dominant, or how to come to terms with a sexuality that doesn’t necessarily mirror one’s personality outside the strictures of the D/s relationship, I’ve been flattered and honored when I’ve been able to provide some kind of help in the form of suggestions, advice, or emotional support.

One of the most common questions I get asked by submissive men is how to approach a vanilla wife/girlfriend/partner/whatever with their desires, and how to turn a vanilla woman into a Dominant one.

My feelings on this are mixed.  As you all know, I’ve always been Dominant.  There was no becoming Dominant for me.  I “became” a Dominant when I realized that BDSM exists, and that there are entire global communities devoted to people like me, and the ones who want to be with people like me.

I know there are plenty of people who become Dominants.  I’ve known people who have always been the dominant partner in their relationships, in a vanilla sense (for the record, because I was asked this, I capitalize the D in Dominant to differentiate between a specific role within BDSM and vanilla dominance.  There is a difference.  You can be dominant, and Dominant.  You can be dominant, and submissive.  They may overlap, but they are not the same thing).  For those people, who have always sort of taken the lead, becoming a Dominant may be a somewhat smooth transition.

The point is, I’m sure that someone can become Dominant, provided the seeds already exist in that person.  You can’t create something from nothing.  But I’ve spoken to enough women who started out as vanilla and became the Dominant partner in a female-led relationship to know that it’s possible, and that those women can and do become extremely effective Dominants.

But there is a mistake that 99.999999% of submissive men in vanilla relationships make when approaching their partners, and it’s time to address this.  

Because you guys are seriously fucking up and shooting yourselves in the foot, and you need to stop it.

So you’re submissive, you want to live in a female-led relationship (to whatever degree), and you want your wife to take control of you.  It’s something that you’ve yearned for, sometimes for years, but never said anything about.  You’ve kept quiet, you’ve kept that secret hidden, but you can’t stop it from burning you up.

But your wife is vanilla.  Maybe she has a dominant personality, maybe she’s happier letting you take the lead.  Maybe she’s passive in bed.  Maybe she’s traditional and conservative in the way she views relationships.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  There are a million reasons in your head why you don’t think she’d be into it.

Finally, you decide to talk to her about it.  And that is an emotional roller coaster, in and of itself.  You have no idea how she’ll react to learning about this side of you, that you’ve kept hidden from her.  You have no idea how she’ll react to the things you want done to you.

Sometimes, that conversation doesn’t go well.  Sometimes, she has no interest in it, and likely never will.

But sometimes, she’s intrigued.  Interested.  Curious.

I think it’s important for me to illustrate what I’ve seen happen in a woman’s mind during this process.  I’m not claiming this happens to all women, or that it’s happening to your wife, this is just from personal experience and conversations I’ve had.

Sometimes, she’s willing to give it a try.

Unsure, nervous, and hesitant, sure.  It’s a pretty significant thing, a pretty significant change in the way you relate to each other.  I’ve noticed in my experience that the women who react this way tend to be compassionate, caring, loving, and affectionate.  Those are amazing traits, and I think all Dominants need them, but for a vanilla woman, making the switch to hurting you instead of holding you can be tough.

This is something I’ve had trouble relating to.  For me, loving and caring about someone makes me want to hurt him.  Beating on a stranger does nothing for me.  Humiliating a stranger does nothing for me.  It’s because I care about them that I like to hurt them.

Many women (perhaps most) don’t feel this way.  Loving you makes her averse to hurting you.  And it starts a massive whirlwind of conflicting emotions in her.

First, she’s genuinely curious about this lifestyle.  She’s intrigued by the idea of owning you and leading you, and she may also be intrigued by the idea of hurting you.  Many vanilla women aren’t necessarily sadistic, but the idea of having that kind of power over her man, having the power to hurt him, can be appealing.

But it goes against everything she thought a loving partner was supposed to be. Guilt can become a significant obstacle.  She’ll feel guilty because she’s had 20 orgasms, while you’re denied and kept frustrated.  She’ll feel guilty because you’ll react to the pain she causes you, and seeing your face, seeing that you’re genuinely suffering, because of her, may completely turn her off to the moment.  Hurting someone she loves does not come naturally to most compassionate, caring women.

It’s also fucking overwhelming.  Especially if she decides to do some of her own research.  She may look at those videos with the screeching, angry Dommes brutally terrorizing their boy and think she could never do that.  She may read article after article, blog post after blog post, talking about rules, discipline, sessions, safewords, expectations, and punishments, and feel like it’s all too much.  She’ll feel unsure of herself, and her confidence may take a pretty nasty hit.

But she’s a strong woman, she knows you want this, and there are parts of it that really do appeal to her, so she deals with the insecurity, knowing that it will fade and her confidence will grow, and moves forward, adopting a trait or two of what she thinks a Dominant woman should have.

And this is where it seems like 100% of you fuck up.  And there are a couple of reasons why your next actions are so horribly misguided and wrong.

First of all, I know you were nervous as hell when you broached the subject with her, nervous as hell when you waited for her to think about it, come to terms with it, and decide to try it.  This is something you’ve desperately wanted for so long.  And when she finally does agree to try it, you just go nuts.  You want everything, and you want it right now.  You want to be brutally beaten, degraded, dehumanized, humiliated, emasculated.  You want the fantasy.

It’s understandable.  It really is.  I totally get it.

But you get too eager, you want to move too fast, while she’s still unsure and insecure, and still wading her way through all of this newness.  You urge her on, you encourage her to do more, to dive deeper into it, you bound ahead of her, practically dragging her behind you.

An experienced Domme knows how to yank you back, slam you back where you belong, and give you a much-needed reality check.  But she’s not an experienced Domme.  She doesn’t know how to do that.  Moreover, she may not even realize she can.

Instead, she tries to keep up with you, tries to give you what you ask for.  But it’s exhausting.  She feels constant pressure to be something she’s not, because she hasn’t had the time or the freedom to let that part of her grow.

Soon, she’s not doing this because she wants it, anymore.  She’s doing this for you.  To please you.  But she feels like her wants and needs are being ignored, she certainly doesn’t feel Dominant, and the whole thing feels disingenuous.

And your encouragement and urging begins to feel like pressure.  She feels pressured to be what you want her to be.  That pressure kills her lust, kills her desire, and kills any interest she may have had in an FLR dynamic.

So she backs off, she shuts down.  But you were so excited about the early progress, and don’t understand why it’s suddenly come to a screeching halt.  Maybe she just needs more encouragement.  Maybe she just needs more coaxing and more urging.

And in trying to help, you only make the whole thing worse, and push her even further away.

But I mentioned that there are a couple of reasons why you’re wrong, a couple of reasons why you’re making such a horrible decision.  The other reason why this is a huge mistake is that, in your eagerness and enthusiasm, you forget one very, very, very, very important thing:  She is the Domme, you are the sub.  And the female-led relationship needs to be just that: A Female-Led Relationship.

You can’t expect her to be the kind of Domme you want her to be.  She’s going to be the kind of Domme she wants to be.  You may have fantasies about chastity and orgasm denial, where she may have little interest in that, and instead be more sadistic and want more domestic service.  There are specific areas of D/s that will appeal to her, and that she will want to explore.  She’ll start to have her own fantasies.

But you’ve been dreaming about chastity and orgasm denial for years.  It’s not the domestic service that appeals to you.  You crave having access to your cock taken from you.  You crave having that part of you manhood taken from you.  You just want it so bad.

She doesn’t yet know how to put you in your place, so instead she may drop subtle hints that you don’t pick up, because you’re just too eager, you’ve bounded too far ahead, to see them.

And now she’s frustrated, on top of feeling pressured.  Not only is she supposed to change who she is at the drop of a hat and leap into this rather intense dynamic, but she has to be exactly the type of Domme you want.  She has to be your Dominant, she has to control you, she has to own you, but she has to meet all of your sexual expectations and satisfy all of your sexual desires, often with little regard to her own.

But don’t feel bad, this is a mistake that even experienced submissives make.  In fact, I have never lived with a submissive who didn’t make this mistake.

Not sure what I mean?  Alright, I’ll give you an example.  A perfect example of this is something that Kazander used to do.  Feeling horny and wanting attention, he’d pull the covers off of me when we were in bed, just before going to sleep, wanting to give me oral.  And occasionally, I’d let him.  But a lot of the time, I wouldn’t.  And he didn’t understand those times I wouldn’t.

Because it’s fucking cold.  I’m fucking tired.  I want to look at stupid, mind-numbing shit on my phone until I fall asleep.

Those are my desires.  That is what I want.  I don’t want to stay awake for another half hour (or more) when it’s already late and I’m already tired.

And who is the Dominant in the relationship?  Whose desires are important?  Whose wants and needs are to be met first?

How Kazander (and all of the submissive men who make this mistake) should handle that situation is:

1) Don’t just pull the blankets off me without a word.  My body is not yours, you do not have a right to it whenever you want, and the fact that you tried something like that already has me annoyed and turned off, on top of being tired.  Especially for an inexperienced Dominant, who may be used to her man being the aggressor, this may completely squash all budding Dominant impulses.

Kazander thought he was serving me by orally pleasing me, but he was not.  He was serving himself, and by trying it without asking, he was completely ignoring my needs and desires.

He’s horny.  He wants attention.  He wants to play.  I can’t tell you how many men make this mistake, not realizing that they’re being pretty much the opposite of submissive by doing it.

Yeah, no.  Knock that shit off.

2) Watch Femdom porn (stay with me, here).  No, Femdom porn is not the enemy.  Yes, you can actually learn from it.  Look at how the men in those videos relate to their Dominant.  Think about an appropriate way to ask for attention, and use what you see in the video as an example, if you need to.  Think of a way that will feed her Dominant impulses and turn her on, rather than annoy and irritate her, or make her feel pressured to do what you want.  Do not be aggressive, do not be assertive, be passive and compliant.  Instead of throwing the covers off of her, ask her if she’d be willing to let you worship her body.

3) Be passive and compliant.  Be prepared for her to say no to your request.  Or she may end up wanting to do something different.  You may have wanted to give her oral, but maybe she wants to pull you over her lap and spank you, instead.  Or, she may indulge your desires.

4) Accept whatever answer she gives you.  If she says no and rolls over and goes to sleep, for the love of fucking God, do not get irritated.  This is something that will completely destroy even the most experienced Domme’s lust, and will likely turn her off for days.  If she rolls over and goes to sleep, and you want any hope of getting attention the next day, kiss her shoulder, wrap your arm around her, and thank her for keeping you in check.

If she wants to do something else, don’t argue with her.  It’ll start to feel too much like work, and she’ll lose interest (you want her to enjoy Dominating you, don’t you?  So she’ll continue to do it?  Yes?).  Do what she tells you, and then thank her for keeping you in check.

And if she’s feeling generous and indulges you, thank her for it.

Many men with vanilla wives unintentionally make this mistake.  Not only do you push too hard, too fast, but you want her to be exactly what you fantasized about.  You don’t give her the freedom to find her own way, to become her own Domme.

During a time when she’s actively trying to change who she is, and dealing with that process (which is often uncomfortable), she feels like she’s expected to fit this mold that you’ve created for her.  She feels like an FLR is a joke, that it’s all about the man and his desires, way more so than a vanilla relationship is.  At least in a vanilla relationship, she feels like an equal.  In an “FLR,”

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“You see the quotations I’m making with my claw hands?”

she feels like she’s being pressured into playing a role to appease you.

If you want her to grow into her Dominance, you need to step back and let her do it.  It won’t be easy, and there will be times you’ll feel ignored.  But do it.  You need to feed those urges, not try to control them.  Be eager, enthusiastic, and willing when she wants to assert her control over you.  Don’t argue when she wants to stop playing with you.

Don’t ever be the aggressor.  Use a more passive way to ask to please her, and accept whatever answer she gives you.  Thank her for her attention.  Thank her for denying you, even if her denial frustrates you.  Even when she’s not feeling very “Domme-ly,” you can work to feed those impulses, just by serving her.

New flash, boys.  A lot of the time, that service isn’t sexy.  You want her to throw you down at the end of the day and fuck you raw with a strap-on the size of your fist.  But when she had a hellish day at work, spent hours running after the kids, and cleaning up after your slovenly ass, the last thing she’s going to want to do is fuck you.

She’s going to want to go to sleep.  And you’re going to be frustrated because you don’t know why she never wants to play with you.  Jeez, she never wants to play.  She must just have a low libido.

Yeah, ditch that fucking mindset now.  You want to know why “women porn” memes look like this?

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It’s because you expect her to clean your house and cook your food and raise your kids and manage your finances and basically adopt you after you outgrew your mom, and then you turn around and can’t understand why she never has energy for sex.  Those headaches she complains about?  Yeah, you gave them to her.

This is a problem many vanilla relationships have, too, but when you’re trying to help her grow into her Dominance, then grumble and groan when she asks you to do the dishes, or argue “That’s not what I meant when I said I wanted you to be my Domme,” you’re being the opposite of submissive, and you’re making her feel like you’re a sullen teenager.

Sullen teenagers don’t turn anyone on.

And when trying to assert her Dominance is such a pain in the ass, she’ll often just do the dishes herself, to get it done without having to deal with your bitching.  She doesn’t feel Dominant, she loses some of her enthusiasm for being your Dominant, and she won’t be in any kind of mood to play with you for the rest of the night.

So do what she asks you.  Do things without being asked.  Ask her what she wants.  Ask her how you can serve her.  Sometimes her answer will be fun, like, “Come here and lie across my lap so I can finger you while I watch TV.”

Sometimes her answer will be something that’s fun for her.  Like, “Give me a footrub/backrub/whatever.”*

*Do not try to grope her or make a move during a backrub.  You’re serving her needs, not yours, remember?

And sometimes, her answer will be something not fun at all, but something that will make her life easier.  Like, “fold this load of laundry.”

Whatever answer she gives you, thank her for it.  Show your enthusiasm and your eagerness by your willingness to obey her and bend to her will.  Be enthusiastic in your obedience, even when her command isn’t what you want.  Show her that it’s fun to be your Dominant, show her why she should go through the effort of changing herself to become your Dominant.

Keep your emotions in check.  You’ll be frustrated, and not in the “kinky, fun” way, but emotional outbursts will completely turn her off.

It’ll be difficult, and it’ll take an incredible amount of restraint, and you’ll have to flat-out ignore your own needs and desires for awhile.  But the good news is that you won’t have to do it for long.  If you’ve already fucked up and pushed her away, you’re going to have to do it for longer, but you won’t have to do it forever.

Once she starts taking the reins herself, you’ll be able to gradually (and I want to stress the word gradually) relax.  I’m not saying you can turn into some obnoxious, bratty sub.  But she’ll be more confident in her ability to correct you when you slip.  You won’t have to be quite so vigilant, because she’ll be able to pick up the slack.

Making her feel pressured to be what you want her to be will destroy any effort either of you make.  You’re going to fuck up, you’re going to backslide.  Everyone does, it’s human nature.  And until she feels more confident as a Domme, she probably won’t point it out.  It’s up to you to realize your mistake, and once you do, it’s up to you to acknowledge it and apologize immediately for it.

It’s got to be about her.  Her journey to Dominance has to be her journey.  Your job is to support her and make her happy, and help her feel relaxed around you.

A relaxed Dominant is a happy Dominant.  A happy Dominant is an attentive Dominant.

Birthday Conversations

I miss my 20s already, but today was a fantastic start to my 30s, and I’m looking forward to an awesome new decade, and sharing it with the boys who made me smile today.


 

With Kazander, at dinner

K (with the winning Quote of the Day):  I just don’t know how to take you eating your drink with a fork.  You look ridiculous.

Me: Your face is ridiculous.

K: I’ll remember that when you want oral later.

Me: Remember it all you want.  You’ll still do what you’re told.

K: (Grinning) I’ll do what I’m told, Mistress.

With Steel

Me: Don’t worry, little slut.  If you ever start toeing the line between “delightfully smart-assy” and “bratty,” I’ll be quick to let you know.

S: Of that I have no doubt, Ma’am… I am delightfully scared of you.

Me: As you damn well should be.  And that’s something you don’t have to worry about, either.  If I ever sense that fear fading, I’ll be quick to remind you why you should be scared of me.

S: Yes, Ma’am…

With Sounder

Me: I need batteries for the vibrating egg, though.  When I take you out in public, I want to turn it on at random times and watch you try not to react.

S: You know I’ll be bad at that.

Me: I know.  That’s why I’m so excited to do it to you.

S: I would certainly enjoy it though.

Me: Of course you would.  Your clit would be swollen and you’d be all wet.  And when we got back to your house, you’d be so ready to get good and fucked.

S: That’s true of most situations with you.


 

I pretty much love my life.

Back to Normal

So the family is gone, and life shifts back to our normal routine.

My mom flew home on New Year’s Eve, and she says she won’t be back.  I’m praying to God that she’s telling the truth.  All of Kazander’s family is joining me in that prayer.

But no, there wasn’t an argument or anything.  She’s not in the best of health, and traveling is just getting too hard on her (if she wasn’t a complete idiot living in denial, it would be a lot easier, and wouldn’t exhaust her, but I hate having her here, so I’m not about to point that out to her).

And the alternative is much better, anyway.  I’ll fly out with the spawn to visit her (I can do that easily, since the spawn seems to have inherited my love of flying).  I can do it on my own terms, for an amount of time I agree to, and (the best part) she only lives a couple of hours away from Steel, so I can go see him.

And then, on the offchance that I have the extra time and cash available, I can swing down to Alabama and see some of my old friends, and Southern.  It’s just better all the way around.

So I need to do what I can to keep her to that.  I’ve already talked to her about flying out sometime in the spring, but we don’t have any set dates yet.  I’ve got to get on that before she forgets how much she doesn’t want to travel.

One nice/terribly awful thing about the family being in town is that they kidnap the spawn for pretty much the entire time they’re in town.  It’s awful because they spoil the hell out of her, so she always has bad habits when she comes back home.  And while her smart-assery is funny as fuck in small doses, that’s really not a habit I want to encourage.

But it’s nice because it gives Kazander and me time to spend together, without having to worry about making too much noise, or being caught in the middle of something we don’t want to be caught in the middle of.

So we’ve taken advantage of that quite a bit.  He’s been feeling a bit more experimental lately, particularly in regards to pain, so we’ve been playing with that.  I’ve been using spankings to both put him in a more submissive mindset, as well as discipline when he needs it.

For the most part, he’s been pretty well-behaved.  I haven’t had to punish him since the post about taking my commands seriously.  The occasional reminder of his place is expected, but that’s all he’s needed.

We’re moving the relationship forward in a few fun ways, as well.  We’ve already established that the switching isn’t the “great idea” we once thought it was.  So we’re still working on figuring out how he’s going to scratch that Domly itch, when it surfaces.  My thought was for him to get a sub of his own, but he was less than enthused about the idea.

So we’ll have to figure that out.  But in the meantime, I’m more than happy having him at my feet, where he belongs.

End of an era

Kazander has the worst luck when it comes to being sick.  In the six years I’ve known him, he’s been sick on his birthday all but maybe twice.

This year was no exception. A minor cold on his birthday has now devolved into a pretty nasty virus that has him making some very un-sexy noises.

So I took his alcohol away and have been shoving water down his throat to try and keep him hydrated.

But something else happened this year.

As I’ve said before, we always switch for his birthday.  And, because his birthday is a few days before Christmas, and we have family in town, and he has end-of-quarter hours at work, we’ve taken to switching from his birthday to the end of the year.

It’s always uncomfortable, blah blah blah, the same story every time we switch.  I’ve never liked doing it.  It’s difficult to explain how weird and uncomfortable it is.  And this year was harder than most.

We’d just switched a few months ago, and I made a terrible submissive, even by my own standards.

I’m a terrible submissive to begin with.  I argue, I forget that I’m supposed to be submissive, I roll my eyes, and I get annoyed with 97% of whatever Kazander wants to do with me.  Constant teasing and denial sends me beyond frustration and into anger.  Pain pisses me off.  Anything more than ultra-mild humiliation annoys me.  Having to be obedient and follow rules annoys me.  Bondage is alright, but I’m always very much on edge, and there’s a nasty little voice that constantly nags and asks, “Will he actually untie you if you really need to be untied?  What if he doesn’t?”

Funny, it’s the exact opposite of the thoughts I have when I’m with a bound and helpless boy.  Then, there are a number of thoughts that flash through my mind along the lines of “I don’t have to untie him.  I could render him completely helpless and take advantage of him.”

So yeah, I’m not a great submissive.  I’m not even a good submissive.  And when we switched a few months ago, I was a spectacularly bad submissive.  I didn’t even bother trying to hide my disdain and annoyance.

And that’s not fair to Kazander.

So for his birthday, I decided I’d make more of an effort.  Granted, I still don’t think you could’ve called me a good submissive, but it was a hell of an improvement from the last time.  It still made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end whenever I had to obey him, and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes or saying something smart, and the whole thing was supremely uncomfortable in general, but he deserved more of an effort.

At one point, I asked him why, if he likes switching so much, he doesn’t find a sub girl and dominate someone who actually wants to be dominated.  He mentioned that the effort that it would take to find such a girl would be monumental, and then figuring out how Domming a girlfriend would fit into our own dynamic would be another huge undertaking, and that it wasn’t worth it.

He made the comment, “And I don’t get much out of it, anyway.”

Which immediately put me in I’m-about-to-scream-at-you,-you-fucking-asshole mode.

He didn’t get much out of it?  I’m busting my ass, going against my entire personality, pretending to be something I am very much not, and dealing with constant fucking discomfort and sexual dysphoria, and he doesn’t get much out of it?

So what the hell was I even doing it for?

But I calmed down, and we talked it out like civilized people.

The problem is that there’s so little he can do with me to begin with, and even the stuff I tolerate, I don’t tolerate well, and it just doesn’t turn him on when I’m annoyed and not into it.  And there’s only been twice that he’s been able to shut off my brain enough to put me into subspace and enjoy it.  And even then, I crashed afterwards.  It’s just not something I enjoy, and my not enjoying it prevents him from enjoying it.

So I asked him what, specifically, he likes about it, and why he asks for it every chance he gets.  He replied that he likes being able to cum whenever he wants, and he likes giving me shit and making me do what he tells me.

But he agreed that we probably shouldn’t switch anymore.  We’ll have to figure something else out.  Maybe from his birthday to the end of the year, he can just have unlimited orgasms, without switching.  I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.  I still want his birthday to be special.

It’s a surprisingly huge relief, though.  I mean, he never forced me into it.  I never had to switch.  It was always my choice.  I decided if it happened, when it happened, and for how long it happened.  I was always in control, even as a submissive.

I think I felt obligated.  It’s pretty much the only thing he ever asked for.  And hell, I love him.  I want to give him what he wants.  He’s my husband and my boy, and I want to take care of him and make him happy.  Switching made him happy.

But it’s time to recognize that the switching does more harm than good.  Quite often while we switch, I resent him.  I get annoyed/angry easily, and for no real reason, even when we’re just talking, and he makes a comment or even just acknowledges me being submissive. And he deserves better than that.

Calling him “Sir” has never been an issue.  I come from a military family, grew up around military men and women, and worked for three years in a very strict environment where rank carried a hell of a lot of weight (and saved my ass in China, when I was completely obliterated and would’ve found myself in bed with an investment banker from Germany visiting on business [that accent, though!], had my boss not threatened to publicly beat the hell out of me if I did.  And since I was always covered in bruises from our sparring matches, and had seen him beat one of the other instructors for being a disrespectful asshole, I believed he’d make good on the threat.  Vanilla sex with a stranger was not worth that).

So I’m used to calling people “Sir,” and that didn’t bother me in the slightest.  But calling him “Master” always made me cringe, and the word always caught in my throat.  Luckily, it wasn’t something he required often.

Everything about submitting felt off, for me.  Even things that were supposed to be enjoyable, I couldn’t relax enough to enjoy.  Having to ask permission to cum annoyed me.  Being told no irritated me.  I just couldn’t really enjoy it.  Not the way I enjoy grabbing him by his hair and shoving his face between my legs.  Not the way I enjoy fucking Sounder’s ass while he squirms and writhes practically off the side of the bed.  Not the way I enjoy stuffing Steel from both ends and making him suck his cum off my fingers.

There’s just no comparison.

So I’m relieved that we won’t be switching anymore.  The benefits just aren’t worth the drawbacks.  And it doesn’t serve to bring us closer, like it did the first couple of times.  The first time or two, opening myself up to him, being vulnerable like that to him, was fucking terrifying.  But forcing myself to do it opened me up to him in a way that I have trouble doing with anyone else, and it solidified our bond.

It had a purpose, once.  There was a reason we switched, and it had direct and long-term benefits.  But it’s outlived its purpose.

I am a Dominant.  I am not now, nor have I ever been, a switch.  Kazander is my submissive, my boy, my property.  He wears my collar.  He obeys me, and I take care of him.  That’s the way I want it, that’s the way that feels right, and that’s the way that it’s going to be.

The switching ends now.

Learning Obedience

Kazander texted me while he was out Sunday and said he had a “surprise” for me when he got home.  And I, being the very personification of patience that I am, waited.

I was out running an errand when he got home, and when I got back, I walked in the door to see him lying on the couch watching TV, wearing his lace panties and lacy lingerie, along with his collar and a leash.

Well, I know what I’m doing tonight.

“Oooh, good boy,” I said, walking in and putting my purse down.

“I’m plugged, too, Mistress.”

Very good boy…

Man, sometimes it’s really awesome not having the kid around.

I sat down on the couch next to him and reached between his legs, running my nails lightly across his balls through the lace of his panties.  It’s a small, simple thing that never fails to get his attention.  Something about the nails through the lace just feels amazing.

Within seconds, he was hard, his poor little cock trying to burst through the cage.  I have no idea when the last time he came was.  He says it’s been a month.  I seriously doubt that.

But it has been locked up for awhile, and the poor boy was desperate for some kind of release.  So I took the cage off and began teasing him, stroking him and playing with the head until he was squirming and moaning like the little bitch he is.

We like to watch porn together, so I set up a video to watch, and settled in next to him, playing with his nipples and his cock, reaching between his legs to finger him.

Less than halfway through the video, my lust got the best of me and I told him I wanted him on all fours on the couch.  He did as he was told while I went to the bedroom and grabbed my strap-on and my smallest paddle.  It’s light and stingy, and makes a boy’s ass so deliciously red.

First, I worked him over with the paddle, making him squirm and whimper some more.  I kept going until he was nice and red, warm and stinging.  Then I knelt behind him on the couch and entered him smoothly, sinking my cock in all the way to the hilt.  The way he gasped and moaned was so sexy.

I fucked him for awhile, reminding him that he’s my bitch, and that he’s not allowed to have sex with me like a real man.  I told him that real men get to fuck their wives.  The only penetrative sex he can hope for is if I make him fuck or get a blowjob from another boy.  Otherwise, he gets bent over and fucked like the bitch he is.

After a good, long, thorough fucking, I let him relax for a bit while we finished watching the video.  Then, I took him back to the bedroom and sat on his face, jerking him off.  I told him I’d let him cum, since he’d been such a good boy.

He kept talking, which meant he wasn’t worshiping my pussy, and that got annoying in about 6 seconds.  So I told him to shut up, and kept stroking him.

And about 8 seconds later, he said something again.  His voice was muffled by my body, and I couldn’t hear him.  I stopped stroking him and lifted myself off to better hear what he was saying.

As it turns out, he said he was going to cum, and since I stopped to ask what he’d said, it ruined his orgasm.  Which, of course, I found hilarious.

“Maybe next time you’ll do what you’re told,” I said, satisfied that the ruined orgasm, when he was promised a full one, was punishment enough for talking after he’d been told not to.

“But I told you that I was going to cum,” he said.  “I didn’t think you’d want to be surprised.”

“I told you I was going to make you cum.  I knew it was going to happen.  I told you to stop talking.  You didn’t do what you were told, and it cost you a satisfying orgasm.”

I let him clean himself up.  Then, he asked if I’d be willing to let him sleep with the cage off, and he’d put it on the next day when he got home from work.

Yeah, I’ve heard that before.

I initially told him no.  He sighed, reluctantly going to put it on, and I asked why it was so important.  He said he just wanted a good night’s sleep, and that he promised he’d put it on when he got home.

I narrowed my eyes at him.  “You’ll put it on right when you get home?” I asked.

“Yes, Mistress.”

I decided to let him sleep without the cage.

Sure enough, when he got home, it didn’t go on.  That’s twice in two days that he didn’t take obedience seriously.

Even when I mentioned the cage, he didn’t put it on.

Yeah, no.

I didn’t say anything, but just waited.  Finally, around 12:30am, he got around to putting the cage on.  He got home from work at 7.

“So it took you 5 1/2 hours to put it on.”

There wasn’t a hit of remorse in his voice as he fed me some excuse I didn’t care enough about to pay attention to.

“I think 10 spankings for every hour is good.”

He sighed, trying not to roll his eyes.  I told him to get on all fours in the middle of the living room, and went back to the bedroom to get my paddle again.

I stood above him, straddling him to keep him still, and started in with the paddle.  There was no warm-up like there was the previous night.  I hit him hard and fast, ten at a time.

Before I finished the first ten, he was squirming and gasping.  After every set of ten, I took a break, running the tips of my fingers over the warm, tender skin.

“I don’t think you quite understand what it means to be obedient,” I told him.  “And it’s time for you to learn.  Your job is to be the worthless, pathetic bitch you are and do what the fuck you’re told.  My commands are not, by any means, open to interpretation.  This is not a relationship between equals.  I own you.  You’re not my husband, you’re my property.  You’ll learn to live up to my expectations, or I’ll beat you until you scream.”

He was already screaming by the time I hit the halfway point, but I didn’t hold back.  The last five were particularly brutal, and when I was done, I stepped back to admire my handiwork.

He stayed where he was, his head resting on his arms, his face obscured by his hair, trying to calm his breathing.  I told him to stand up and pressed my body against his, reaching down to caress the burning skin of his ass with one hand, and with the other I pinched and twisted his nipple until he whimpered and melted into me, burying his face against my neck.

“Are you going to do what you’re told from now on?” I asked him.

“Yes, Mistress.”

“That’s a good boy.”

He’s still got a lot of learning to do, but even the most stubborn dog can be trained with a firm, consistent hand.  Other things have caused me to be way more lenient with him lately than I used to be, but that’s over and done with.  I’ve never made it a secret that I have zero interest in a vanilla relationship and an equal dynamic, and he can either meet my expectations, or he can experience how unpleasant my disappointment can be, and just how dark and twisted I can get.

The silly boy has no idea…

Strap-ons and Insertables

Domina Jen,

I love that you love pegging your subs.  But I don’t really understand why you like it.  It doesn’t give you any physical pleasure, does it?  I read that you use a strap-on harness instead of something strapless like a Feeldoe.  Why wouldn’t you want a Feeldoe?  Or any of the brands that can give you pleasure?  Why wouldn’t you want to enjoy yourself while you peg a sub?

I guess I just don’t really get the point if you don’t get any pleasure from it.  I don’t know if I would be comfortable being fucked by someone who wasn’t really enjoying themselves.

Thanks for your time.

Jeff

Well, Jeff…

Obviously you’ve read enough of my blog to gather that my strap-on isn’t “strapless.”  However, I’m not entirely sure how you can read that much of my blog and think I’m not thoroughly enjoying myself when I fuck my boys.

And interestingly enough, I’ve had three different conversations about this very subject in the past few weeks.

First of all, I do have a Feeldoe.  Specifically, I have this one.

Somewhere around my house.  I think it’s under my bathroom sink.  Or maybe it’s hidden in the back of my underwear drawer.  Or Kazander’s underwear drawer.  Or Kazander’s sock drawer.

I dunno

I dunno

I haven’t used it in a couple of years, and I have no real intention to use it anytime soon.

Don’t get me wrong.  It looks sexy as fuck when I’ve got it in, and I do like that I can “feel” Kazander’s ass more when I fuck him with it.

But I’ve got a couple of problems with it.

First of all, the bulb that goes inside is pretty damn big.  Like, to the point that putting it in and taking it out is a somewhat unpleasant experience.  Once it’s in, it’s comfortable enough, but putting it in and taking it out is a pain.  Literally.

Secondly, and most importantly, the damn thing doesn’t stay put.  I mean, I don’t have the problem that other women have of it falling out, I’m apparently too tight for that.  But it won’t stay in place.  It moves back and forth as I’m fucking.  It doesn’t have anything to brace against.  It just literally hangs between my legs.  So when I go to thrust, it just moves back.

I have to keep my thighs together to hold it in place.  Which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you’re a guy, try fucking someone, and keeping your legs pressed firmly together the whole damn time.  It’s fucking annoying.  I can’t really get into it, because every time I go to change position, I have to readjust the Feeldoe.

And I’m not the only one who experiences problems with the Feeldoe.  One of my boys showed me this article he found, talking about the problems women commonly have with it.  The Feeldoe just isn’t a feasible, realistic option for a woman into heavy strap-on play.  At least not on its own.

I’ve heard that you can use a harness to keep it in place.  And that’s all well and good.  Except my harness isn’t one that you can use the Feeldoe with.  And if I have to choose between my $150 Feeldoe and my $40 harness, I’ll take my harness every damn time.

I’m no stranger to strap-on harnesses.  Throughout the years, I’ve had and worn dozens, ranging from the cheapest of the cheap to more than $100.  I’ve tried the name brands and the no-name brands.

And the one I have now is the most comfortable, the easiest to put on and take off, the easiest to adjust, the easiest to maneuver when fucking, it’s just fucking awesome.

So I’m not in a huge rush to go through all that nonsense again to get a harness that can be worn with the Feeldoe.

For those that are interested, here’s my harness.  I bought it from one of the adult stores in town.  If you’re a BBW like I am, there does not exist a more amazing harness.

And in answer to your question, Jeff, no, I don’t get any physical pleasure from it.  There’s nothing inside me, nothing stimulates my clit while I fuck (and unless I’m fucking Kazander, I’m usually fully clothed, anyway).

But still, the comment you made about not enjoying myself and not seeing the point of it kind of hurts my head.

Like, I waited almost a week to answer this question, simply because I just didn’t know where to start.

First of all, I really, totally, completely, utterly, wholly, abso-fucking-lutely enjoy myself while I’m pegging my boys.  Hell, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy it.  It’s one of my very favorite things to do.  I have trouble articulating just how hot it is, just how much I love it.

Why do I love it?  Lots of reasons.

First of all, when I’m in a session, I’m not focused on my own physical pleasure.  Like, at all.  And cue the collective gasps.

But I think a lot of people, both my friends and my readers, really underestimate the amount of pleasure I get from Dominating a boy.  When I’m in a session, my mind is on high alert, going a mile a minute, hyper-aware and unbelievably observant.  I’m constantly assessing and reassessing, my goals constantly changing with each new idea.

Those who have played with me more than once know well enough to cringe whenever I say, “Ooooh!”

That means I’ve just had a new awesome idea, a new thing I want to do to him.  And when it happens during a session, my boys know that they’re about to be pushed pretty far.

But I’m so excited about what I’m doing to my boy, I’m so unbelievably turned on by the squirming, the writhing, the moaning and begging, I don’t want it to end.  I want to take him deeper into subspace, I want to mold his headspace and his emotional state, I want to use a combination of mental/emotional manipulation and physical stimuli to keep him overwhelmed and rattled.  I want to break him, to destroy him, to beat and abuse him.

I want to do all of that, and I have an unbelievable amount of fun doing it.  So why would I want to stop all that and have him give me oral, and potentially completely derail the pace of the session?

Now, I should point out that, until I met Kazander, I couldn’t cum.  At all.  Ever.  I’d never had an orgasm.  I was 23 years old when I met him (I can’t remember how long after I met him that I had my first orgasm), and became sexually active at 14.

So for the first decade of my sexual life, orgasm wasn’t an option.  It just wasn’t.  There are a ton of theories why, and the vast majority of people I’ve told have had an opinion about why they think it wasn’t.  And every man I ever told took it as a challenge.  It was annoying, and I was tired of dealing with the teenage therapists and the big-headed boys who thought that the only reason I hadn’t orgasmed yet is because I hadn’t been with them.

I stopped telling people.  I was tired of the “you’re not having the right kind of sex” and the “you just haven’t found a skilled enough man” and all of that nonsense.  I started faking orgasms when I noticed that not being able to give a woman an orgasm really fucks with a lot of men, even though the woman is thoroughly enjoying herself.  And that irritated the hell out of me.  Like, I was quite obviously enjoying myself.  I was vocal during sex, I wanted it all the goddamn time, and I was hugely enthusiastic about it.  But because I couldn’t cum, quite a few guys freaked out, and acted like it was a blow to their manhood or some insecure macho bullshit (my opinion of men in general was pretty low in my late teens and early twenties.  I was wildly irresponsible with my boys and danced across that line between sane and stupid, mostly because I didn’t think enough of them to care about causing damage.  And part of the reason why I didn’t love the gender as a whole was because of the orgasm nonsense).  It was starting to interfere with my sex life, so I just faked it and called it a day.

And really, the absence of orgasms didn’t affect me.  At all.  I didn’t miss it.  I had never had one, so I didn’t know what I was missing.  I still felt satisfied and mellow after sex or oral.  I would have a boy give me oral for half an hour or so, or however long I wanted, then I’d fake an orgasm to make him stop, and then I’d roll over and go to sleep, completely relaxed and sated.  Even during sessions when I wasn’t touched at all, I was still having an obscene amount of fun, and my lust was insatiable.  So who the fuck cared that I couldn’t cum?  I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal for everyone else.  There was so much more to a session, so much more to sex than just cumming.

When I was 16, I started to explore BDSM.  So as I came into my own as a Dominant, my orgasm was never a priority.  Cumming was never a goal of mine.  My attitudes toward my sexuality, my kinks, my Dominance, and sex in general were colored by my inability to reach orgasm and my complete indifference to whether or not I’d ever have one.

When I finally came, I loved it, of course.  But my style, my preferences, my BDSM kinks and turn-ons/turn-offs had already had 8 years of development at that point.  I had a pretty good idea of who I was and what I liked.  The addition of orgasms didn’t really change that.

So today, nothing’s really changed.  I can cum, sure.  But I can cum on my own using a wand, and it feels just as good.  When I’m in a session, there’s just so much else going on that I’m so much more excited about.

And when I’m fucking a boy, I just throw myself into the moment.  I’m deep in that Dommespace, I’m hyper-aware and completely attuned to him and his reactions to what I’m doing to him.  It honestly doesn’t even occur to me to think about my own physical pleasure.  I’m just having too much fun in the moment.  I’m too revved up.  I don’t want to stop.

If someone is that hung up on whether or not I’m getting physical pleasure, that they “wouldn’t be comfortable” playing with me, a) that person obviously isn’t someone I’m interested in playing with, and b) that kinda sounds like they’re more concerned about their own comfort and enjoyment, rather than mine.

So you’re “not comfortable” unless I have specifically the kind of enjoyment you think I should have?  Um, no dear.  That’s not the way I work.

I do my sessions my way, the way I want.  I understand that it may be rather “different” for a Domme to not be focused on her own physical pleasure, but it’s important to remember that, just because I’m not focused on my physical pleasure doesn’t mean I’m not focused on my pleasure.