D/s, BDSM, and my sexuality

So I generally don’t do two posts in a day, but I’m ready to get back to the sex stuff.

Yay, sex!

I separate the the acronyms in BDSM, and use the term BDSM to reference general kink and fun stuff.  And how each acronym fits into my life is different.

BD: Bondage and Discipline

I like bondage, but it can be time-consuming.  Mental bondage is awesome, though, because it requires my submissive to make the choice, to actively choose to allow what is being done to him to happen.  And often, that can be worse than being tied up, helpless, and not having that choice.

Discipline is important.  I discipline my subs when I need to, I condition them, I mold them, I guide and lead them.  Discipline is also what I would call “funishment.”  Rough, intense (often painful) play that serves to remind them of their place, to give them a good reboot, but still has the light-hearted feel of all of my sessions.  It’s fun.

DS: Dominance and submission

This actually has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality.  This is a relationship dynamic, and the only kind of relationship that has ever worked for me.

Although, to be fair, that’s not something that’s unique to me.  Studies have shown that relationships in which one partner is the more dominant tend to be more successful than relationships in which power is more balanced and equal.

And while the kink may ebb and flow as real life presents opportunities and obstacles, the relationship and the way I interact with my partners doesn’t change.  I run my relationships, and while my boys know they’re respected, they have a voice, and they have the right to have their voice heard, and their input genuinely considered, they also know that the final say of pretty much any decision is mine.

Is that fair?  No, not really.  But my boys are strong men.  They won’t suffer a relationship where they’re taken advantage of.  It’s on me to make sure they feel respected and heard.  I owe it to them as their Dominant, and I owe it to myself as a human being.

Granted, there are aspects of this dynamic that are very sexually charged, and send a happy little chill down my spine.  I like bringing my strong, assertive boys to heel.  It’s such a turn on bringing them to their knees and imposing my will on them.

The thrill I get from that is very sexual.  But in general, D/s isn’t inherently sexual for me.

I have had drops in my libido in the past, and I’m sure I’ll have them again.  Once in a great while, I’ll have a phase where I’m just not all that horny for a couple of weeks, or maybe even a couple of months.  It happens.  But when it does happen, the D/s doesn’t go away.  It’s not influenced by my libido at all.

SM: Sadomasochism

Oooh, the fun stuff.  Sadism is a very, very big part of my sexuality.

But it’s important to note that, in the scope of BDSM, anyway, sadism is not limited to physical pain.

Sounder can attest to that.  I haven’t seen him in awhile (that dry spell is ending tonight, thank fucking God), and he’s spent the last few days getting very well acquainted with the evil, sadistic, twisted bitch in me.

I haven’t touched him, and very little that I’ve said to him involves physical pain.  But “sadistic” is a pretty accurate descriptor of the mindfuckery I’ve put him through.

And it’s also worth noting that humiliation stimulates the same parts of the brain as physical pain.  So on a physiological level, it’s damn near the same.

Having Sounder gangbanged by six men, having each one finish on his face, then having them all stand around him and rinse their cum off his face by pissing on him, for example, wouldn’t cause physical pain.  But I would certainly call that sadistic.  I have a sneaking suspicion Sounder would agree with me.

Don’t get me wrong.  I thoroughly enjoy causing physical pain.  It’s all kinds of fun, and just as big a part of my sexuality.  But my sadism isn’t limited to the physical.

I think, if I had to pick one word to describe my sexuality, my sexual identity, and the way I relate to my partners in a sexual capacity, it would be sadistic.  

Hell, even when I give pleasure, it could possibly be described as sadistic.  Sounder doesn’t beg often, but when I pleasure his cock, he’s begging me to stop, begging me to hurt him, after a few minutes.

Which, of course, is massively entertaining.

Intro to FemDom

Hey there!
After being in several bad relationships and loosing a lot of confidence in myself, I came across domination. I’m not looking just to get paid as a findom, but I want to do it for the power! I’ve had a experiment with a couple of subs I found online and loved it!
Do you have any tips on how to stand out from the others? Also what tasks and games would you recommend ?
How can I lure them in with conversation?
I would really appreciate your help, I’m a little In the dark on the hole subject and any advice would be very much appreciated!!
Many thanks

Welcome to the wonderful world of Femdom!  It’s a pretty fabulous thing, and I congratulate you on starting down this path.  That power is pretty damn addicting.

As far as standing out from the others, you’re actually in luck there.  If you’re not a Pro or a FinDom, you really have no competition.  I can tell you in two sentences how to get more attention from men than you know what to do with.

Step One: Create a Collarspace profile.

Step Two:  Wait literally 7 seconds.

Fetlife is good, too, but that’s more for social things, making other friends in the lifestyle, going to kink events and classes (more advice: go to classes.  I never pass up an opportunity to go to a class if I can swing it with my schedule, even if it’s on something I’m already very familiar with).  Munches are awesome things.  Go to them and make friends.  You may soon find yourself wishing you had lifestyle friends, since this isn’t a subject you can talk about in mixed company, and sometimes you just have to be able to call someone and tell them about the ah-may-zing session you just had where you pegged and bound a naked boy in a sex swing while he came over and over again, then beat him until he screamed.

But you’ll very soon find the flaw with Fetlife:  It’s very clique-y.  Collarspace doesn’t have the “community” feel that Fet does, so it doesn’t have that problem, and that’s where I’ve met a good 80% of the boys I’ve played with/owned, including 2 of my 3 current boys.

So I’m a fan of Collarspace as far as meeting people.  And again, the only thing you need to do to stand out is have a decent profile, a pic or two (doesn’t necessarily have to be of your face), and be a Dominant female.  That’s literally it.  Your inbox will be filled within minutes.

So you’ll actually have the opposite problem.  You’ll have to learn how to weed through all the online catcalls, look-at-my-dick brats, and men wanting to share their fantasies with you (literally, you will receive these horrendously long stories… like 1500 words and more… that these men have written out, and subsequently copied and pasted to every red name on the list).

You’ll also get what we affectionately (and I use that term extremely loosely) call cookie cutter messages.  Some poor, ignorant, well-meaning sub is going to write out a short note, very generic, usually pretty polite, and literally just copy and paste it to every Domme on the list.

Don’t worry, it’ll take you like 2 days to figure out which are cookie cutter messages and which are real.  Many women (myself included) will assign a task near the middle or bottom of the profile.  Something simple, like “If you message me, tell me what color your eyes are in the first sentence of your message.”  I’m a FinDomme, so my task is to write the word Tribute as the first word of their message.

That way, I know from the very first word whether they read the profile and are actually interested in me, or if they’re just copying and pasting the same message to 200 other women.

You can read all about my rant on these men and how they’re doing every goddamn thing wrong, and why I assume every new message is written by a douchebag here.

I actually called out one such douchebag 2 posts ago and created a flowchart to help people who may have some trouble figuring out what is an appropriate message to send me.

So really, they’re the ones who have to stand out.  Not you.  Your job is to weed through the replies, figure out which are real (and interesting) and reply to them.

And I’m kind of bitchy about the whole subject, but don’t get me wrong.  There are some fucking amazing submissive men out there, who will reach out to you.  Submissive men are just fucking amazing in general, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a huge fangirl of them, to the point that I won’t even consider a relationship with anyone who doesn’t identify on that end of the spectrum.

Since you’re just starting out, just starting to see the appeal, I recommend reading my page “Why Submissive Men.”  A common mistake I’ve seen from women who are newer to the lifestyle, particularly women who have been rather thoroughly fucked over before finding the lifestyle, is to not really take the time to appreciate the gift they’re being given.  It’s special, and it’s a gift that’s not always easy to give.  It’s important to never lose sight of that.

As far as luring them in, that’s not really something I can teach, and even if it was, I’m not sure I’d want to.  What’s going to lure them in is your energy, your charisma, your Dominant spirit, your confidence, and your general nature.

I will say that confidence is the single most important thing about being a Dominant, followed extremely closely by self-control.  You cannot be a Dominant and insecure.  I’ve seen insecure try to be Dominants, and it always ends in disaster, and can have some very bad, long-lasting effects on the submissive.  Literally, you can cause semi-permanent or permanent emotional and mental (and even physical) harm to another person.  Insecurity has no place in your mind.  It’s trash, and you need to throw it out.

You have to have confidence in yourself.  You have to know yourself.  You have to know your strengths, know your weaknesses, know what you’re good at and what you need to work on.  You have to be able to look at yourself objectively.  You have to be comfortable with who you are.

These are not suggestions.  They are requirements for being a Dominant.

The other thing is self control.  This is unbelievably important.  Why?  Well let me give you an example.

Let’s say you have a steady relationship with an awesome sub.  Things are going swimmingly.

Then, as every relationship eventually will, you’ll hit a snag.  You’ll argue.  Tempers may flare.

Your temper cannot flare.  You need to learn how to shut your emotions off.  If your submissive is having a problem, he may struggle with how to express it, and he may get angry.  Your job is to hear the underlying message he’s trying to convey, and not make the problem worse by feeding into his own strong emotions.

You will have an extreme amount of power, control, and influence over your submissives.  They will open themselves up to you, and show you a level of vulnerability that will make it all too easy for you to cause harm if you’re not in control of yourself.

If you lose your temper with a vanilla man, you may get into an argument.  If you lose your temper with some submissive men, you may find them in the fetal position on the floor.  That is the level of trust they’ll place in you.

So you’re not free to lose your temper.  You’re not free to doubt yourself.  I’ll tell you the same thing my mentor told me when I was first starting.

A submissive sacrifices control for freedom.  A Dominant sacrifices freedom for control.

You can’t have both.

Now is this something you’re expected to do now?  Not necessarily, it doesn’t happen overnight.  But you need to be aware of and work on those things all the time.

So you need to figure out what kind of Dominant you want to be.  What kind of relationship do you want?  What kind of submissive do you want?  This will likely evolve the deeper you go into the lifestyle, but it’s something you always need to be aware of.

You also need to figure out who you are as a person.  This is something you’re never done doing, and you always need to work on it.  Actively.

As far as tasks and games, now you’re getting into the fun stuff, and really, it’s only limited by your imagination (although Google has some pretty damn awesome ideas).  And it depends on what you want to do with your subs.  For example, I’m feminizing Sounder and turning him into a sissy.

So, for example, I’m taking him to the salon with me this weekend to get pedicures.  I’ve also taken him to get his makeup done by a professional specializing in male-to-female transformations.

I love pretty much anything having to do with humiliation.  And sometimes even basic things, like not allowing them to wear clothes or use the furniture, have a big impact on a boy’s headspace.  Supervised masturbation is always fun, and you can be creative with that, as well.  Make him edge for you once every hour or half hour for an entire afternoon, or make him fuck himself with a dildo (or suck on one) while he masturbates.  Make him spend an entire evening plugged or gagged or bound, or some combination of the three.

Writing assignments can be fun, too.  You can make him write humiliating affirmations X number of times a day (make him handwrite them, to ensure that he’s not using copy and paste).  It could be something simple, like, “I am a slut,” to as elaborate as you want, like, “I’m a cocksucking whore who needs to be kept in chastity, and fucked hard and often by real men.”  I mean, go nuts.  I’ve done this with Kazander, and you’d be surprised what a difference in can bring about.

It doesn’t have to be affirmations, though.  A trend I noticed in Steel* early on prompted me to make him write me an email every day, with 2 parts.  The first part was easy for him.  He had to tell me something he loved about me, and why.  The second part was harder.  He had to tell me something he loved about himself, and why.

I recently had Sounder start a blog of his own, to journal his thoughts.  I’m going to start pushing him a bit, in a slightly different way than I have so far, and the added insight into what’s going on in his mind is going to be a big help.

Fucking with guys after they cum can be fun, too.  Submissive men tend to feel the least submissive right after they cum.  So you can use that against them.  More than once, I’ve jerked a boy off and then immediately fucked him with a strapon, using his own cum as lube.

Or you can make him do housework in a really humiliating or inconvenient way.  Or dressed in humiliating clothes.  I’ve had Sounder clean out my car while dressed up in a French maid outfit.

Games are limited only by your imagination, too, and they can be as simple or as complex as you want.  You could use a die and assign something for each number.  Like if he rolls a 1, he gets fucked with a strapon.  If he rolls a 2, he gets 25 spankings.  If he rolls a 3, he has to sleep plugged.  And so on, and so on.  Put an orgasm as one of the values, and tell him he can only roll for a chance to cum after he’s given you X number of orgasms with his tongue.

Like 5.  For every 5 times he makes you cum, he can roll the die.  Or 10.  Or 20.

Or hell, it doesn’t even have to be sexual.  Maybe for every time he does your grocery shopping for you, he can roll the die.  Or every three loads of laundry he does for you.  Or every two times he cooks you dinner.  I mean, literally anything.

Or you can use a point system, assigning certain tasks a point value.  Making you orgasm may be worth 5 points, doing all your laundry may be worth 10, taking your car and filling it up with gas may be worth 3, a half-hour-long sensual massage may be worth 6, doing your taxes may be worth 15, I mean, whatever feels right to you.  And for every 25 points he can earn an opportunity to roll the die.  Or maybe every 50 points.  Whatever feels right to you.

But you can’t ever let him forget that the basis of the relationship revolves around him serving you, in whatever way you decide you want him to.  All three of my boys work to serve me, sexually, of course, but also in very different ways, catering to their own strengths.  Kazander serves me by working his ass off and supporting me so I can raise and educate our daughter properly.  He’s fucking brilliant with numbers and money, and he runs the finances so I don’t have to worry about it.

Steel serves me by being my sounding board and giving me an objective, tactfully-worded outside perspective to a problem, that I may not have been able to see before.  He’s also a writer, and his background makes him unique in that he’s one of the very few people on this planet with a better grasp on the English language than I have.  So in those rare times when I’m stumped on grammar/spelling/proper comma usage (which, being the grammar nazi that I am, I’m loathe to admit that there are times I’m not sure), he’s the one I turn to.  He also has knowledge in other areas that has helped me out tremendously in the past.

Sounder serves me by being my release, both in the bedroom and out.  When a situation arises that annoys me or irritates me, or even pisses me the fuck off, I can vent to him, I can bitch and whine and complain, and he offers that supportive ear that I need.  Then, once the bitch-fest is over, I can switch back to my normal, let’s-look-at-the-bright-side-shall-we, okay-so-how-do-we-solve-this-problem mentality.  And that goes for the bedroom, as well.  I push him hard, and it helps release any pent-up energy or restlessness that may be lurking around.

But the common denominator is that my needs come first.  Their job is to worry about me, not themselves.  I have the responsibility to make sure their needs are met (this is a relationship, after all.  Give and take), but how and when I do so are at my discretion and contingent upon their service.

*Okay, so another important thing is to learn about your submissives.  I cannot stress just how important this is.  You have to make it your goal to learn everything about them.  You have to watch them, to always be paying attention, to always be listening.  You have to learn how to read their facial expressions and body language as if they were speaking plain English to you.  You have to be able to pick up on subtle cues, changes in tone or word choice, anything.

Here’s a bit about how I do that, and why.  If you want to read the whole post, you can, but this is what relates to this situation.

But anyone can beat someone. Anyone can take a paddle or a crop or a cane or a flogger or insert-impact-toy-here and use it to hit someone else. Anyone can tie someone up and do mean things to them. There’s nothing special about that.

But a boy’s emotional and mental state? That’s where the real fun comes in. And that’s where the real power comes from. That’s what I love, and I use a variety of tools to get the reaction I want.

My goal with any boy is to learn as much about him as I can, as soon as I can.  From the very first message he sends, I look at his grammar, vocabulary, tone and mood of writing, I look at his approach, I look at how he addresses me.  I look at his profile, I look at how he describes himself, what he feels is important enough to include on it, how he sells himself to potential partners.  If he has pictures, I look at those.  You can learn a lot about a guy from the pictures he posts (or doesn’t post) on his profile.

When we meet in person, I’m still paying attention.  I’m looking at his posture, speech patterns, how he dresses, how he carries himself, how he interacts with bartenders/wait staff, I’m looking at his body language, I’m looking at what he does with his hands, I’m looking at whether or not he fidgets.  I’m looking at how he interacts with me in a vanilla conversation.  I’m looking at his sense of humor.

Most of the time, I’ll allow him to guide the conversation, allow him to pick the topics.  And I’m looking at what he wants to talk about, what he’s knowledgeable about.  I’m looking at how he presents himself when talking about something he knows a lot about.  I’m looking at how he talks about his job, his family, his friends.  I’m looking at the stories he chooses to share.

I do all of this to get a basic understanding of the way he acts and reacts, and his general “default” emotional and mental state.  Once I’ve got a pretty good idea of what that is, I can start looking for things that trigger a response that falls outside of that “default” state.

And once that happens, I’m in.

That level of observation and focus never diminishes.  I’m always watching my boys, taking mental notes.  Because once you get into the really fun stuff, you need to know everything you can learn about him.  It’s crucial.

So I hope this helps.  If you have any more questions, feel free to email me, and I’ll be happy to help you out!

Silk and steel

That’s something Steel says about me; that I’m soft as silk, and strong as steel (he’s an eloquent bitch, I tell you).  And it’s probably my favorite thing that any sub has said to describe me, followed closely by one of my exes telling me that my voice was like the purr of a lioness.

I don’t shriek, I don’t yell (Kazander has only ever heard me raise my voice once in six years, and it felt odd, getting that loud), none of that.  I stay quiet, even when I’m mad.  My ex said my voice made him think of a lioness, quiet and low, but terrifying, a strange and frightening mix between a purr and a growl.

Relentless.  That’s another word multiple people have used.  All three of my boys are intimately familiar with that trait.

And last night, Steel was sorta-kinda-pleasantly reminded why I never need to raise my voice to effectively get my point across, and why it would be a bad idea to ever piss me off (which made me laugh, when I was in the middle of tormenting him, and he whimpered, “Holy shit, remind me never to piss you off.”)

I spent the day with him yesterday, our first chance to play together since December.  And just like every other time we’re together, it’s just natural, neither of us have to force anything, it just flows.

We don’t even have to think about it.  We can immediately switch between a subdued, public dynamic (in which he still isn’t allowed to call me by my name, by the way), and the much more intense private one.  But even then, it’s just easy being with him.

At one point, we were ordering pizza from a place he liked.  He (being an east coast boy) said, “It’s about as close to New York style pizza as you can get here.”

I, being a west coast girl, and not usually a fan of pizza in general, looked at him and said, “Is there a difference between New York style and everything else?”


“Okay Ma’am, we need to rethink this relationship.”

Oh, but fun side note.  He suggested we get the tiramasu.  I’d never tried it, but oh my gawd, it’s like one of my favorite things ever.  Like, ever.

So yay for broadened horizons!


I loved how needy and clingy he was.  And how eager.  I knew he wanted to break for me, and that he was trying to push himself to that point.  Part of me wanted to give him that little extra push he needed, to cross that line, because I know he needs it.  And hell, I wanted it, too.

But then, I stopped, and held him back, instead.  As much trouble as he sometimes has with feeling needy, and with crashing when I get off the phone or computer, it’ll be so much worse once I’ve broken him.

No, that can’t happen until we’re no longer separated by a country, and can see each other more than twice a year.

When he gets in subspace, he can sometimes be a little on the self-destructive side, bounding ahead toward that line between fun and fucking dangerous.  If the one holding his leash isn’t careful, he can run right past that line, and keep going without hesitation.

I won’t let him do that.  I have no problem pulling him back and bringing him to heel.  So when he expressed his desire to break for me, I pulled him back and wouldn’t let him.

But just because I wouldn’t let him break didn’t mean I couldn’t push him hard, and give him something to remember me by for the next few days.

We started off the afternoon with him naked and collared on the bed, eagerly moaning and whimpering while I alternated between hurting him and caressing him.  He was so hungry, so needy.  He wrapped his arms around me and held on to me so tightly, begging to kiss me, and gasping when I bit down hard on his tongue.

And he really is so cute when he begs.  It almost sounds desperate once he gets going, and it always makes me smile.  When he begged to be on his hands and knees for me, to take whatever I wanted to put in him, how could I say no?

He hasn’t had anything inside him since the last time I saw him, so I started slow, just putting a single finger in him and savoring his reaction to finally being penetrated.

And he was so tight.  It felt amazing, being in him.

But he’s a slut, meant to be fucked, and his body quickly relaxed enough for me to put a second finger in.  And then a third.

The third was painful for him, and the way he whined was so intoxicating.  I wanted to make him whine more.

So I pulled out my strapon, a toy he hadn’t been able to take before.  I knew he was stretched out enough to take it without harming him or tearing him, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt like a bitch.

And, as Sounder will readily attest to, I’ve been in a bit of a sadistic mood lately.

Yesterday was no different.  I wanted to hurt Steel.  I’ve wanted to hurt the little masochistic bitch for months, but haven’t been able to.  I was going to make up for lost time.

I pushed the dildo into him smoothly, and he whined and whimpered so pretty as I filled him up.  I fucked him for a good long while, then just left the dildo in him, pushing him over so he was lying on his back.

I left it in him for awhile, then took it out and replaced it with a small plug designed to put pressure on his prostate.  That, I left in him for awhile, while he worshiped my body and fell deeper and deeper into subspace.  Somewhere around that point (chronology always gets fuzzy in my head the next day, I’m sure there are sessions I’ve written about with Sounder, where he raises an eyebrow because I’ve written things out of order) is when he expressed his desire to break, and I pulled him back.

I snapped him out of the subspace and gave him a break, right about then is when we ate dinner (I think).  Then, I pulled out my trusty prostate massager, put clothespins on his nipples and cock, lied him on his side, and held him close while I gave him a long, thorough fucking.

I wasn’t going to break him, but I knew he needed to feel the surrender that a big part of him tends to fight, no matter how much he may want it.  If I wasn’t going to let him break, I would definitely push him to that point of surrender.

For a long time, I did nothing but fuck him, kiss his neck and his ear, and tell him that he’s mine, my toy, and that he’s a good bitch who will take whatever I decide to put in him, whether he wants it or not.

And for a long time, he wanted it.  That hunger kept burning, and he whined and begged and squirmed against me.  Even once it started hurting, his masochism kicked in and he wanted it, wanted more.

After… Oh I don’t know, 45 minutes?  He suddenly started begging for me to fuck him with my strapon again, and that confused me at first, until I realized how much it was hurting.

But no, I didn’t feel like stopping.  And he has no safeword.  And I wanted to really drive that point home.

I do what I want with him, and he can’t stop me.  He doesn’t have that power.  And the more I fucked him, the more he gave himself up to that fact, the easier it became for him to handle it.

When I finally stopped, I lied down next to him and he immediately moved closer to me, wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling close, burying his face against my neck.  Less than a minute later, he was begging me to fuck him with the strapon again.

I laughed, completely in love with his eagerness.  But no, his poor hole was throbbing and hurting and raw, and the size of the strapon wouldn’t be good for him.

When I told him no, he asked for the plug instead.  And the way he begged, the way he gazed up at me, I just couldn’t say no.  The plug is small, I knew it wouldn’t cause him any harm.

So I put it back in, and then pulled him back into my arms.  He went willingly, clinging hard to me and moaning softly.

Really, of all the things I did to him, of all the pain and pleasure and frustration and torment I put him through, the part that always seems to be my favorite is the way he clings to me.  I could literally lie there with him, or sit up with him curled up in my lap, for hours.

At one point, I needed to leave the room to get ice or run downstairs or something (I can’t remember which time it was), he didn’t want me to leave (he didn’t want me to leave any of the times I left the room, but there’s one specific time I’m talking about).  I stood next to the bed and leaned down to give him a reassuring hug before I left, and the way he hugged me made me never want to leave the bed again, for the rest of my life.

The last time anyone touched me like that was December, the last time I saw him.  Granted, I’m not usually an overly touchy-feely person, anyway, and I tend to gravitate toward men (and women) who are the same way.  Hell, Steel is that way with everyone else.

Except me.  The way he clings to me just makes me melt.

Sure, he’s mine, I own him, he wears my collar, and I greedily take every shred of control over his life that he offers up (and will continue to do so once he’s local and I can push him even harder), but if I’m really being honest with myself, that little slut has me wrapped around his finger.

King of the castle

I’m a heterosexual submissive woman who has always been simultaneously turned off and fascinated by submissive men, and I was hoping you could maybe shed some light on them, and why you’re attracted to them.

For me, I’m turned on when I see a man in all his glory, strong, powerful, and in control.  It’s so hot knowing that he has that strength in him.

And it feels so secure knowing that he has everything.  That he can handle everything.  All I need to do is trust him and do what he says and everything will be alright.

I’m a strong woman.  I love the quote “Don’t look for a princess in need of saving.  Look for a queen willing to fight by your side.”  I could never take a weak man seriously.  I need a strong man.  It takes a King to rule me.  Nothing less.

I couldn’t imagine a relationship with a man who isn’t capable of handling me.

But I’ve talked to a couple of submissive men and I’m wondering if maybe I’m way off base here and there’s like this whole element I’m missing.  Am I missing anything here?

What is it about submissive men that you find attractive?  Why do you prefer them over a good Dominant man?

Haven’t you ever just wanted to relax and let someone else take the lead?


No I have not.

I’m guessing you’re a new-ish reader.  Welcome to the blog, and thank you for writing.

But I have to ask…  Did you happen to notice those tabs there on the left?  At the top of the side bar?

Does no one read anymore?

You want to know what I love about submissive men?  That link is a good start.

As turned off as you are by submissive men, multiply that by a few thousand and you’ll begin to hold a candle to a fraction of how I feel about most Dominant men.

They don’t just turn me off.  They literally repulse me.  Whenever a guy starts to get all “Domly” with me, it makes my skin crawl.  Even thinking about it makes me cringe.

Sounder once described a conversation with a Dom douchebag, who told him,”The king gets to fuck the queen, and all you get to do is lie at her feet.”

His response was, “Any weak, self-absorbed asshole can fuck someone.  But to protect and serve a queen requires actual strength and fortitude.”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  You’re into Dominant men.  What turns me off to them probably turns you on.  You and I are apparently on complete opposite sides of the spectrum.

And that’s fine.  That’s the kind of man you want, that’s the kind of relationship you want, and more power to you.  It’s all about what makes you happy.  You seem to know what makes you happy, and that’s a good thing.

But you’ll have to forgive me for raising an eyebrow or two as I read this.

First of all, regarding weak men.  There is nothing wrong with weak men.  Not everyone can be a hero.  Not everyone has that strength of spirit.  I have loved my fair share of weak men, and there’s just something so guileless and trusting and vulnerable in the way they love.  It’s unique to them, and they have their place.  They’re beautiful, their weakness is beautiful.

But I know you don’t think all submissive men are weak (or that all weak men are submissive.  I can list a terrifying number of weak “Doms”).

You’re a submissive and you claim you’re a strong person.  I believe you.  My reasons for believing you, despite the fact that I don’t know you, bear a post of their own, but for now, we’ll just simplify it and say I fully believe you are a strong person.

If you’re a submissive, and a strong person, why would you think that wouldn’t be true for a submissive man?

Have you read any of my posts describing my subs?  They’re the strongest people I’ve ever met.  The things they’ve endured, the things they’ve been through, the way they’ve come out the other side, stronger and harder, is awe-inspiring.  All three of them have impressed and astounded me.  They’re absolutely incredible, and I consider myself lucky to own them.

You talk about kings.  My subs are the kings in my world.  But they do not rule me.  I rule them.


My world is like chess.  The king doesn’t hold the power; the queen does.  The game is won or lost by her decisions.  The king lives or dies by her choices.  She leads the army, she charges into battle, and she fiercely protects her king.

She’s brutal.  And manipulative.  And relentless.  No one questions her.  No one challenges her.

That’s my world.  And it takes a strong man to handle me, to handle what I put them through, what I make them endure.  I’m not gentle with my boys.  And there have been many who simply couldn’t handle what I wanted.

Kazander, Steel, and Sounder are strong men who can handle me, can handle being owned by me and can handle being in a relationship with me.

That asshat Dom claimed he was a king, but he was just a little boy who wanted to boss someone around.  And sadly, there are a great number of pricks like him.  I could never respect a man like that.  I could never take him seriously.

I love Sounder’s response to him.  But that Dom wasn’t a king.  Sounder is.  He deserves every bit of the respect I feel for him.  He has the strength and fortitude it takes to serve selflessly, to put someone else’s wants and needs before his own.

It’s like a conversation I had with Steel recently, about why I wasn’t actively looking to have penetrative PIV sex.  Because anyone can fuck.  But it takes a special kind of man to give me what I want, who can meet my depravity with eagerness, who can willingly follow me down that dark, twisted path.

Anyone can hold a woman down and fuck her.  Dominant men and the people who like them are fine, and have every right to have what they want, have the relationship they want.  But to me, there’s just nothing special about a Dominant man.  They’re a dime a dozen.  And I’ve only ever met one I could respect.

Submissive men are special.  They’re incredible.  They’re admirable and wonderful, and I could fill page after page with words about how much I love them.

My subs are the kings of my world, and they have the strength and fortitude necessary to serve me selflessly and follow me wholeheartedly.

A servant’s heart

Yesterday, as I was perusing the Book of Face, I came across a post made by one of the pages I follow.  This is the picture posted, along with the caption written by the moderator of the page and the link to the site where she got the picture.


There’s always a way to serve your husband and your marriage.  Make his plate at dinner.  Give him your whole attention.  Have a servant’s heart.

Since it won’t let me post the link in the caption, you can find it here and read the article for yourself, should you decide to.

Now this was a bit surprising, because this page is primarily a comedy page focusing on the funny, more inappropriate things about parenthood (Like, “How to tell if your kid dances to the beat of his own drum, or is just an asshole”).  But I was about to keep scrolling when I noticed over a hundred comments on the picture, when most pictures barely hit fifty, I decided to take a look.

I shouldn’t have.  I really shouldn’t have.

Because of course, the angry and easily-offended reared their heads, talking about, “I never make my husband’s plate.  His legs work just fine.”  And, “I’m no one’s maid.”  And all kinds of crap that just made me shake my head and laugh.

I followed the link and read the article, realizing that it’s written by a Christian woman, describing a Christian marriage.  But even with that, there was nothing there I found offensive or even mildly upsetting.

I consider myself a leader, in every aspect of my life.  That’s just my natural personality.

I learned to be a Dominant from a man I respected and admired more than anyone else, and he heartily disapproved of the way I treated my subs when I was angry or annoyed back then.  He said, “True leaders have a servant’s heart.”

I didn’t want to hear it, I recognized the “servant’s heart” thing as a Christian thing, rolled my eyes, and went on with my life.

But as the years passed, and I matured, and I learned more about what goes into a day-to-day D/s relationship, I realized how right he is.  It’s not what you see in the porn videos, with the screeching woman dressed in letter, insisting that her sub serve her every whim, 24/7, without being allowed to speak.

Sure, that’s hot as fuck for a weekend, or even a week.

But that’s not reality.  No sub will put up with that forever.  And at some point, he (or she) will want to leave.  Preventing that sub from leaving at that point crosses the line from a consensual, mutually beneficial D/s relationship to an abusive, illegal one.

In reality, a D/s relationship is a relationship, and in order for it to be a healthy relationship, both partners need to be taken care of.  Respected.  Supported.

I take very good care of my toys.  I respect and admire and love them.  Of course I take good care of them.

How do I do that?


  1.  I encourage them.  I build them up and support them.  I celebrate their successes with them and mourn their losses with them.  I’m their sounding board, their confidant.  When they need help, regardless of what it is, I’m there.
  2. I don’t make them guess what I’m thinking.  They always know where they stand with me.  They know what I expect of them, and they can count on me to be honest and candid with them.  They never have to worry about what I’m thinking, or if I’ll play petty games with them.
  3. I respect the hell out of them.  I wouldn’t be with them if I didn’t respect them.  I wouldn’t be able to take them seriously.  A Domme acquaintance years ago made a observation.  She said, “What’s more impressive?  Getting a puppy to do tricks?  Or a bear?”  While her mindset was slightly misguided, she had a good point.  My boys’ submission means a lot to me for many reasons, and one of those reasons is because they’re strong, independent men.  I respect their strength, I respect what they’ve done with their lives, I respect the hell out of them.
  4. I know my boys.  While I haven’t made any of them take the Love Language test, I’ve spent months (and in Kazander’s case, years) watching them, judging their reactions, observing them.  I have a pretty solid idea of what makes them tick and how to make them feel appreciated, supported, and loved.
  5. Yes, I pray for them.  For my newer readers, I am Catholic.  I pray kind of a lot.  Of course that includes the men I’m in love with.
  6. I consider a date night to be any evening free of kids/distractions/whatever.  And yes, all three of them get that from me on a regular basis (well, less regular for Steel, but we do what we can, and this won’t be long-distance forever).  They deserve that time, and it’s good for our relationship.  They all deserve to have an evening with me all to themselves.  And I thoroughly enjoy it, as well.
  7. Admittedly, this is one I don’t do.  While I suppose I see the merit in it, after reading the article, for some women, it’s just not something that interests me.  I don’t beat myself up for not doing enough around the house (someone ask Kazander how many diapers he’s changed [0] or how many times he’s done the dishes [once] or how many times he’s folded laundry [0] in the last six years).  I do what needs to get done.  I pull my weight, I raise my daughter, I run my household.  If I don’t get to the dishes today, then oh-fucking-well.  I’ll do them tomorrow.  And Kazander used to good-naturedly give me grief about staying home to raise the kid.  Until he took the day off work and I invited him to lunch with one of my best friends and her three daughters.  That’s when he finally realized just how much time I put into my kid, and he shut up quick.  If there’s something any of my boys need from me, I expect them to ask.  If Kazander needs a shirt ironed for tomorrow, and doesn’t say anything, and I spend the day scrubbing the grout in the bathroom instead, guess whose fault that is (and guess who’s not waking her lazy ass up at 6am to do it).  But he’s been with me for 6 years.  He knows better than that.  And Steel and Sounder know to ask for what they need.  It works.

Now, of course I have my own expectations in my relationships.  My boys are expected to submit to me, to meet my needs, to support me, obey me, and work to serve me in the best way they can.  And my expectations are high.  I don’t tolerate any half-assing.  They all know this.

So it’s very much a two-way street.  And I don’t think that Facebook posts like this one, or articles like the one it referenced are “anti-feminist.”  Because even in a vanilla relationship, it takes two people, making a concentrated effort, to make it work.  Detailing some tips on the effort of he wife does not mean that the husband can just walk all over her.  Articles talking about how to be a good wife do not imply that a wife should let her husband take advantage of her, or that he shouldn’t have to make the same kind of effort.

Kazander actually received, as a wedding gift, a small book entitled “Don’t for Husbands,” written by a woman named Blanche Ebbutt and published in 1913.  While some of it made me chuckle and roll my eyes, a surprisingly hefty majority is still very relevant today.  One of my favorites completely applies to my life with Kazander.

Don’t hang about the house all day…  Spend regular hours in your study or “den,” or go out and play golf; but don’t inflict your company on your wife during every minute of every day.  She is fond of you, but she wants to be free sometimes.  And she has business to do, if you haven’t.

This actually caused huge issues in a couple of my past relationships.  I need whoever I live with to have a damn hobby.  I can’t have him just hanging on me every minute of every day.  Thank God Kazander is independent, and has no problem doing his own thing or going and hanging out with the guys.  I love and adore him, but it’s soo nice to have him out of the house.

Especially since apparently lately, my resting bitch face has been on point, and he keeps asking me what’s wrong, and why I’m mad.  I have no idea why I look mad all of the time recently, but I swear I’m not.

Wanna know what’s annoying, though?

Constantly being asked what’s wrong, and why I look mad.

Ugh, don’t any of your friends want to hang out with you right now?

So I love that he can go out and do his own thing for awhile.  And if I can schedule him being gone with the spawn being gone, and actually have the house to myself for a few hours, that’s like hitting the lottery.

So husbands have expectations too, and even before women had the right to vote in this country, the idea of husbands meeting the expectations of their wives was a widely-accepted thing.

*Edit* I just looked, and the book was published by a company in London.  A quick Google search, however, showed that women could not vote in 1913 in the UK, either, so my statement still stands.

But when love starts with you, and is given from a selfless place, it’s worth so much more.  In my opinion, anyway.

A year later

1 month, 27 days, 2 hours, 24 minutes, and 49 seconds.

Then my plane will land in Steel’s city.

There’s a lot about living so far away that sucks.  But by far the worst is when he crashes and I’m not there to help him get stable again.

Neither of us were big on long-distance relationships.  We knew it would be hard, and we knew most of them only last a few months.

But the chemistry was undeniable.  And I fell in love with him immediately.

As intense as the relationship got, and as fast, we both wondered at the red flags that should have been popping up, but weren’t.  Still, I decided to go with what I felt, with what felt natural, and told him to do the same.

We’ve had our differences (like the fact that he’s a Raiders fan, while I’m a Broncos fan.  But the Raiders may actually be moving to Vegas, so I promised I’d keep an open mind), and he’s much more practical and prone to overthinking, while I am much more laid-back and go-with-the-flow type.  In some ways, we are the exact opposite.  But it’s in a way that we complement each other, and it works beautifully.

A year later, that intensity hasn’t waned in the slightest.  And every time I see him, it just gets stronger.

I’ve fed his neediness, his greed, his clinginess, and his dependence, because that’s the way I want him.  He’s opened himself up to me to a level I’ve never experienced before, and it made it very easy for me to mold and condition him to be what I want.

While I don’t regret doing it (and am willing to bet he doesn’t regret it, either, and he’ll tell me if I’m wrong), the neediness and dependence that I’ve encouraged, that we both want, has made the distance even worse.

When that craving, that dependence, that neediness comes crashing down on him, he has trouble stabilizing himself again.  And if I were there with him, it would be too easy to interrupt that spiral and get him leveled out.

But I’m not, and it’s not.  All I can do is tell him that it’ll pass, that it’ll be alright.  And I hate knowing that he’s hurting, and I can’t help him.

Especially since it would be so easy to fix, if I was just there.

But he’s a big boy, and he’s a strong man, and he gets through it.  And I hold back a bit on the intensity, so he can hold on to his sanity.

It’s been a year that he’s been mine.  And I keep thinking back to the day I collared him.

I’ve never been one for big ceremonies.  There was none when I collared Kazander.  And with Steel, I’d told him I wanted to collar him months before we met and I could actually fasten it around his neck.

I ended up collaring him almost as soon as we were alone together.  Every time I looked at him, every time I saw the absence of the collar there, it just annoyed me.  He was mine.  I wanted him collared.

There was one thing he had asked for, though.  And the way he asked was so sweet, so shy, I was happy to oblige him.

He’d asked if he could write me a letter, that I would read while knelt at my feet on the day I collared him.

It’s a letter that I carry in my wallet with me, right next to his collar, that stays in a special zippered pocket in my purse when it’s not around his neck.


I kneel at your feet stripped, vulnerable, and helpless.  Kneeling here while you read my intentions as an act of choice before you collar me.  Because this moment exists somewhere between before and after and only happens once.  Once is special.

I come to you fully owning my identity as a submissive, knowing that you will only take what is given freely and nothing more.  I come to aching to break, knowing you will only break what’s necessary in order for you to truly possess me.  I come to you prepared to worship, knowing you only accept such adoration as your due from those you own and protect, and secure in the knowledge you won’t build a shrine to your own ego.  I come to you fully understanding myself to be a slutty, craving, needy boy submitting to you as my Dominant; knowing you value these traits, I understand you will feed and enable them as long as I am not endangering myself.  I come to you wanting to serve, knowing you will hurt, use, break, and mold me – knowing you will care for me, guide me, and help me to be a better person – knowing you will feed weakness and greed even as you build strengths and discipline – knowing you will push me towards limits or hold me back as necessary –  knowing I am always safe under your gaze and under your thumb.

Once you collar me, I am yours.  Having surrendered and submitted to your will of my own volition, you possess the power to punish and reward as you see fit.  I submit to your experience, intellect, love, and compassion just as I submit to your sadism, depravity, and craving for control.  I submit to you with the knowledge you know and understand my hardest limits and confident you will ask for clarification should we approach anything that approximates unknown territory.  I submit – happily – knowing no magic words exist, which I can utter to force you to stop.  You will stop when you decide because you are the one in control.  Your possessing the final say is what I want and need.

I promise to work hard to be a good, sweet, and obedient boy.  I promise to work hard to learn how to serve you best and remain a valuable submissive.  I promise to strive to remain as open and vulnerable as you desire in order to give you access and control to whatever traits you wish to enhance, curb, or condition.  I promise to constantly make an effort to not take you or this relationship for granted.

As you read this note I have been thinking on what’s written here.  As you take in these words, I have been searing them into my consciousness.  I have been waiting a long time for you and find myself both thrilled and scared the wait is over.

I love you.

Your boy,

I’ve read it so many times, I pretty much have it memorized.  And he has made good on everything he’s promised in his letter.  His dedication has never faltered, he’s never forgotten his place, he’s never given me reason to be disappointed in him.  Whether we’re together or thousands of miles apart, he’s everything I want him to be.

And while I cherish and adore who he is as a submissive, it’s who he is as a man that I respect and admire.  He’s no stranger to pain, to tragedy, to loss, to regret.  All three of my boys have experienced more than their fair share of those, and all three have risen above it.

Steel knows who he is, he knows what he has to offer, and he knows his worth.  Along with that, he loves me, he loves submitting to me, and loves serving me.  I consider myself lucky to own him.


This is his favorite position to be in, and I can’t wait to have him curled up in my lap where he belongs.  1 month, 27 days, 1 hour, 4 minutes, and 18 seconds to go.

Something a bit different

Dear Domina Jen,

I am a 60 year old female lifestyle submissive who is currently seeking to be collared in a live in LTR with a Master and/or Mistress. I have been into the scene for a few years now and I have had some memorable sessions with both female and male dominants. I consider myself to be bisexual.

I also have a 41 year old son, my only child, who is likewise into BDSM. He too is submissive and has previously served a dominant female. He has only been into the lifestyle for about a year or so (a late bloomer!) and he considers himself to be bi curious. He has never been married and he does not have any kids.

We both recently discussed the idea of seeking out the same Master and/or Mistress for a LTR 24/7 live in arrangement. We are both willing and able to relocate if necessary. We are very close and live together currently. We spend a great deal of our free time together and frequently see movies and go out shopping together. We tell each other basically everything. We both really want to commit to a Master and/or Mistress for a LTR 24/7 live in relationship, but we do not wish to be potentially separated by such an arrangement, which is why we are considering this idea.

Could you please tell me if you would have any advise or wisdom for us as we peruse this goal? Have you ever come across any lifestyle submissives who are closely related by blood and servicing the same dominant(s)? While we are very close and have discussed our respective BDSM lifestyles in the past, we have never witnessed each other in such scenarios…

Thank you!



That’s an interesting question.  I know of parents and their grown children both active in the same community, and I’ve seen a Domme engage in non-sexual scenes with her grown daughter.  But I’ve actually never come across a parent and grown child serving the same Dominant.

The idea is somewhat intriguing and fascinating.  For the sake of the readers, I’ll point out that I did ask if you were looking to engage in sexual play with your son, and you told me that no, you’d never considered it, and the thought doesn’t interest you at all.

Still, this is something completely different from anything I’d ever heard of before (and I thought I’d heard it all).

But I don’t think what you’re looking for is unreasonable, or unrealistic.  I see no reason why you wouldn’t both be able to serve the same Dominant, and remain together.

Of course, it would depend on the situation.  For just one random example, I always prefer my subs naked.  That rule has fallen a bit by the wayside since the spawn was born, but it’s still my preference, and it’s the preference of a lot of Dominants I know personally.

So in a situation like that, you both would have to decide whether you’re comfortable seeing each other naked.  It’s also very likely, if you’re all living in the same house, that you will witness quite a bit of each other’s scenes.  For one example, you’ll have to ask yourself how you’d feel about seeing him punished, should he make a mistake.  And he’ll need to consider how he’d feel about seeing you punished.

From your description of how close you are, it’s possible that seeing each other being hurt may cause a level of discomfort, despite knowing that it’s all consensual, SSC, and all that.

My advice to you is to sit down with your son, before you start seriously looking for a Dominant, and figure out exactly what you are and are not comfortable with.  Figure out where your own boundaries are.  Taking on two new submissives at the same time can be daunting for even the most experienced Dominant, and making him/her try to hash out your boundaries with each other as well as your boundaries as individuals, as well as your triggers, you default states, your body language, your preferred method of expression, etc., is just too much.

That’s something you need to know beforehand.  Now, I recognize that you may be perfectly fine with the idea of something, and have an unexpected reaction in the moment.  Your son may be fine with the idea of you being grabbed by your hair in the middle of a conversation, pulled across a Dominant’s lap, and spanked until you cry.  But sons can sometimes be just as protective of their mothers as fathers are of their daughters.  Especially with how close you are, it’s possible he may have an unexpected reaction to something like that.

And an experienced Dominant will know that, and will take things slowly, anyway.  Still, it’s a very good idea to figure out what you’re at least theoretically comfortable with.

The other thing is his sexuality.  I can only speak for myself and the handful of people I’ve talked to about this, but I read bi-curious (or straight-curious) and am immediately wary.  I’ve had too many boys who initially said they were open to being bi, only to decide that no, it’s not for them, after I’d already invested my time and energy in them, and gotten emotionally attached.

Combine that with his lack of experience, and you’re looking at a significant obstacle.

He needs to figure out what his orientation is.  Straight, bi, pansexual, gay, or somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter.  But the word “curious” after it is an immediate turn-off for me personally, because I can’t trust that he’ll be able to give me what I may want.  I know for a fact I’m not the only Domme who thinks that way.

So he needs to figure that out.  He’ll probably need to experiment a bit, to see where his boundaries are there, and what his feelings are.  Regardless of what his sexuality is, what he’s comfortable with, and what he can do, he needs to know.

And for a situation like this, I would suggest sticking to experienced Dominants (but beware the ones who immediately declare how many years’ experience they have).  Your situation is complex, and creating a relationship with the two of you will undoubtedly be complicated, simply by the nature of the relationship.  You need a Dominant who knows what they’re doing, how to manage the both of you together, and as individuals, and how to work within your dynamic.

I don’t know where you live or what the local community is like there.  If it’s possible, being active in the community is so much more effective than trying to meet a Dominant online.  I would definitely recommend going that route.

But if that’s not possible, and you have to look online, then read.  Find a Dom/me that interests you, read their profile and their interests to see if you think you’d be compatible, and type out a custom message.  Don’t copy and paste anything, so many subs do it, and they’re not fooling anybody.  We can always tell.  No cookie-cutter messages.

It takes a lot of work, but that’s kind of the point.  If a sub can’t put the work in to try and initiate a relationship with me, what could I be able to expect of him once he’s mine?

It may take time, but with some patience and persistence, I have no doubt that you’ll find the scenario you’re looking for.