FLR without chastity?

The last couple of weeks or so, I’ve been engaged in casual correspondence with a very young man (we’ll just call him N) interested in joining his local scene and serving a Domme locally (he doesn’t live anywhere near me).

He originally contacted me to ask for advice meeting people. Being under 21 makes going to most munches difficult, being that young makes being taken seriously difficult  (been there, done that), and his experience up to this point has been extremely limited. All of those factors, plus a couple more he’s requested remain private, make for a very frustrated submissive.

I can understand that. Wading through the waist-high sea of bullshit in any dating scene is irritating, but with all of the added elements and intricacies of a D/S relationship, things can get tough.

I get it. I feel for you.

However…

An interesting topic came up early in our conversations. He made the comment that every Domme he’s talked to required chastity, or, at the very least, some form of orgasm control. He said he feels like pretty much every Domme requires this in their relationships.

Yeah… and the sky is blue. What’s your point?

Chastity is a hard limit for him. More so than that, orgasm denial or orgasm control of any sort is a hard limit for him.

This comment was made in passing, in a longer email about something else, but it caught my attention, and I asked about it.

He said,”I don’t need to give up access to my dick to prove my loyalty.”

Um…. what?

Now I do want to point out that there’s nothing he’s said up to this point that makes me doubt his loyalty to a potential Domme, or his intentions.

But a FLR without orgasm control? What does that even look like?

I mean, I understand it in casual weekend-type relationships. But in a full-time FLR?

I just couldn’t get my head around it. So that spurred a discussion about how orgasms affect a man’s mental and emotional state, how keeping him denied benefits both him and his Dominant.

And I don’t know, everyone is different. It’s entirely possible that orgasms don’t affect him the way they affect most men. It’s entirely possible that he’s the poster boy for perfect submission even without orgasm control.

But, as I pointed out to him, many Dominant women prefer to control that aspect of a man’s life. Even in my own relationships, where a complete TPE is my eventual goal, orgasm control is a requirement. I prefer chastity, and keeping my boys caged, but will allow the honor system as well, depending on the boy and the situation.

But for me, it’s not a matter of trust, anyway. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a boy if I didn’t trust him.

No, it’s something I require because it’s hot to deny him access to his own body. There’s a difference between not cumming because he has been told not to, and not cumming because he can’t. It’s a pretty significant difference, actually.

I want to control every aspect of my subs’ lives. Of course I want to control his access to his cock. I want him to be dependent on me for that pleasure.

I couldn’t take him seriously in the long term if orgasm control wasn’t an option. I wouldn’t be as interested in a relationship if my level of control was limited.

Of course, I don’t speak for every Domme, and I’m sure there are female-led-relationships that don’t incorporate chastity or orgasm control. But I’ve never come across one.

Getting your husband to wear chastity

HOW can I get my husband to start wearing a device? What kind do you think is good? He is stubborn and has refused so far.

-Junie136

First of all, I would definitely recommend getting him to read blogs by other men in chastity.  There are so many to choose from.  The idea of chastity can be scary for a lot of guys, so it may help to show him the point of view from another man in chastity.  This post by Thumper is especially amazing, and if it had existed when I first dragged my reluctant husband into the world of chastity, it probably would have made things much easier for me.

Aside from Thumper’s blog, I also recommend Steeled Snake, Chaste Cyclist, and Thrill of the Chaste.

I also want to point out that I have no idea what your relationship dynamic is, whether you’re vanilla and want to incorporate chastity into your relationship to heighten the sex drive and excitement, or take away potential issues with trust, or if you’re in a D/s relationship, and own him.  Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, your tactic may change.

But regardless of what your relationship dynamic is, and what your reasons are for wanting him in chastity, you need to start in the same place.  Ask him what, specifically, it is about chastity that scares him.  And don’t let him tell you he’s not scared.  It’s a lie.  Even if he’s lying to himself, and completely believes the lie, it’s still a lie.

A lot of men are scared of the idea of chastity.  They won’t have access to their dick anymore.  For 99.99% of men, their dick is their favorite, most treasured, most cherished part of their body.  It represents male power, and masculinity.  The idea of taking that away from him is terrifying.  He’s afraid he won’t be a “real man” if he allows you to control his access to his dick.  He’s afraid of giving you that kind of power over him.  He’s afraid of his buddies finding out.  He’s afraid of anyone finding out.

So find out what it is he’s afraid of.  Be gentle, but persistent.  Don’t let him tell you no, and don’t let him shut down.  You’ll have to be very tactful, you’ll have to regulate your emotions (since it’s likely his might get pretty wild).  And you’ll need to be very reassuring without being condescending.  You know your husband, you know how best to approach him.

But this conversation needs to be about him, not about you.  And he needs to know that his feelings and his concerns are a priority for you.

And just fyi: his feelings and concerns need to be a priority for you.  Especially if it’s a D/s dynamic, he needs to be reassured that his needs will continue to be met, and that you hear and acknowledge his concerns, and that he has a voice.

He needs to specify and vocalize what it is, exactly, that makes him continue to say no.  And you need to specify what it is, exactly, that makes you keep pushing for it.  Get it all out in the open.  Make sure that both of you understand your reasons and his fears.

Then, just go out and buy a chastity device.  Obviously don’t go to a place like Mature Metal for the first one.  You won’t be able to get him to submit to getting measured for it.  If you want plastic, go with the Holy Trainer.  But you’ll find, as you read more about men who are in chastity, steel is the much better option.  It seems to be more comfortable, easier to clean, and all around nicer than the plastic ones.

My husband and I use a knock-off of the Jailbird, called the Jail House, and we like it.  And, as it happens, it’s on a pretty significant sale at Amazon.com.  60% off.  Here’s the link to it.  I don’t know how much longer the sale is going to go on.  But whichever device you choose, just buy it.  Don’t ask his permission, don’t tell him you’re going to buy it.  Just buy it.

Once you have it in your hand, it’ll be harder for him to say no.

“Just wear it for a minute, and see how you like it.”

“Let’s just do it for a couple of hours, and then we’ll have sex tonight.”

“Come on, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you just wear it for an hour?”

Give him a specified time.  Depending on how adamant he is against it, you may only get him to agree to half an hour or an hour the first time.  And that’s fine.

Agree to take it off after half an hour, put the key(s) in a place where they can be plainly seen (or give him the key), and set a timer.

Once the timer is set, you have to really get into gear.  Put on your sexiest lingerie (or surprise him with new lingerie).  Do a strip-tease, give him a lapdance.  Talk dirty to him.  Watch porn and tell him all the dirty, naughty things you want to do to him.  Masturbate in front of him.  Do every damn thing you can think of to make him fucking horny.

He’ll be in pain, he’ll be frustrated beyond all hell, and he’ll probably be complaining and whining to take it off.  Remind him that he still has X-amount of time left.  And tell him that, if it’s too much, he can take it off early if he wants to.  But if he takes it off early, all the fun is over for the day.  No more play at all.  He has the power to remove it if he wants to, but if he gives up before the time he agreed on, he can just sit there with his blue balls for the rest of the day.

Whatever time you agree to, make sure you give him plenty of attention.  And make him give you plenty of attention, as well.  Make him give you a backrub.  Make him give you oral.  Make him service you however you want.  And if he tries to tell you “no,” you can simply respond by, “Alright, enjoy your blue balls.”

Once the timer goes off, give him the key and let him take it off.  As soon as he’s got it off, jump him and give him some amazing sex.  Let him cum.

Doing this will show him what it feels like to experience that denial, and how the denial will make it feel even better when he’s finally released.  He’ll realize that it’s really not as bad as he thought it would be, and he’ll very likely discover that the frustration and pain are not wholly negative emotions.

Sure, he won’t love it.  But something switches in a man’s head with that kind of frustration, and that kind of denial.  Granted, I’ve never tried this on a Dominant or vanilla man, but I’ve done it with a number of reluctant men, and the reaction is almost always the same.  They don’t “like” the frustration, but there’s just something about it that he’ll find appealing.

And of course, the mindblowing sex after half an hour of tease and denial will be pretty high up on his shit-I-love list.  He’ll realize that a lot of his fears are unfounded.

With any luck, it’ll be much easier to convince him to wear the cage for longer and longer periods of time.  Start with half an hour once or twice a week.  Then move up to an hour.  Then two hours.  Then an afternoon/evening.  Then a day.  Gradually let him get used to it.  Don’t just push him into the deep end before he’s ready.

You want him to willingly give up control to you.  You want him to eagerly follow your lead.  You want him to feel fulfilled and happy in the relationship.

One of my favorite sayings is “A happy Dominant is an attentive Dominant.”  But something similar can be said about submissives.  A submissive who is happy in the relationship will always be more attentive and more obedient than a reluctant, neglected one.

Because even if it’s a Total Power Exchange, it’s still a relationship.  All relationships take work from both partners.  Give and take.  You can’t just throw the cage on and ignore him, and completely ignore (or refuse to meet) his needs.

As he gets more comfortable with the idea, and that fear starts to ease, he’ll be more willing to give that power over to you.

You also need to recognize the possibility that he simply will never agree to it.  If that’s the case, you need to decide how important it is to you, and if it’s something you can live without, and go from there.  I’ve never had that happen (but then again, I’ve only been with submissive boys), but it still needs to be acknowledged.

You cannot force him into it if he flat-out refuses, because that crosses the line into abuse.  You can encourage and persuade, maybe even bribe (“If you wear it for an entire weekend, I’ll give you a blowjob every day for the next three days”), but you cannot blackmail him into it, or give him ultimatums (“wear this or I’ll leave you”), or do anything else unethical or immoral.

If you find yourself in a position where he just flat-out refuses, then depending on the reasons you want him in it, the reasons for his refusal, the relationship dynamic, and the current state of your relationship, you really need to look at things objectively and acknowledge the underlying causes and problems.

Just for example, let’s say he’s been cheating on you, and this is the only way you can think of to save the relationship (which I actually wouldn’t recommend, by the way.  Cheating represents a significant underlying problem that likely won’t be solved by chastity, but other people make their own decisions, and for purposes of this hypothetical scenario, we’ll say that’s what’s happening).

M’kay, so this is going to be a tool to keep him faithful, and that’s your reason for wanting it.  Let’s say that his reason for refusing is because he doesn’t trust you not to be spiteful once you have the cage on (which, if he says that, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.  I’d say 90% of the time, fears like that are not unfounded), or he values his sexual freedom over the relationship, or he doesn’t think it’ll work (ie, he’s already given up on the relationship), or he will not allow you, a woman, to be in that kind of position of power over him (ie, he’s a sexist pig… which could be part of the reason why he cheated on you in the first place).

Any of those reasons, when combined with your reason for wanting him in it, combined with the current state of the relationship…. Yeah, that’s just not promising, and you both need to sit down together and figure out whether you have a future.

But that’s just one hypothetical situation.  Maybe your reasons won’t have anything to do with fidelity, and his fears won’t be anything like the ones I listed up there.  I don’t know.

So to recap:

  • Figure out your reasons for wanting him in it.
  • Figure out his reasons for refusing.
    1. Acknowledge his reasons, and be kind and compassionate.  Make sure he knows he has a voice, and his voice is being heard.
    2. Don’t be condescending, and don’t just shrug off his concerns.  He needs to know that you’re going to take care of him, and that he is a priority for you.
  • Buy a cage.
    1. Get a cheap one.  Save the expensive, custom ones for later.  He’ll need to be measured and fitted for them anyway.
  • Convince him to put it on for a specified length of time.
    1. Be patient, but persistent.  Persuade him gently.
    2. Bribe him if necessary, but no blackmail, ultimatums, or unethical behavior.
    3. Give him the key if that will help him feel more comfortable.
    4. Set a timer.  Assure him that, when the timer goes off, he’ll be able remove it immediately.
      • Do not, under any circumstances, go back on your word and refuse to let him out.  This will destroy his trust in you, show him that you truly don’t care about his needs, comfort level, and concerns, and brand you a liar, and basically just a shitty human being.
      • Don’t even joke about not letting him out.  Treat it the way you’d treat a hard limit.  No jokes, no mindgames, no “messing with him.”  When the timer goes off, take the damn thing off.  No questions asked.
  • Once it’s on, he needs to be your whole world for the entire time.
    1. Wear his favorite lingerie or surprise him with new lingerie.
    2. Do a strip tease, lapdance, watch porn together and tell him all the naughty things you want to do to him.  Make him the center of your world.
    3. Make him see you as the center of his world.  Have him give you oral, have him worship your body, whatever you want.
      • Knowing that his physical pleasure isn’t an option will help shift his focus on to you.  Take advantage of this, and reward him for it, reinforcing the behavior.
    4. As soon as it’s on, let him know that he’ll be able to take it off early if he wants to, that you won’t force him to stay in it.
      • But let him know that, if he takes the cage off early, all fun is stopped for the rest of the day.
        1. Do not be bitchy or pouty for the rest of the day if he takes it off early.  Acting this way will reinforce his negative feelings about the cage, and make him less willing to try again.  If he only lasted ten minutes before taking it off, try for 15 next time.  Let him know that there are consequences for taking it off too soon, but let him know that you will always love and support him, no matter what, and that you will always listen to him and give weight to his needs and concerns.
  • Once the timer goes off, let him remove the cage.
    1. Again, do NOT go back on your word.  You agreed to let him take it off when the timer goes off.  Stay true to your word and let him know that he can trust you.
  • When the cage is off, jump his bones and give him mind-blowing sex.
    1. This will reward him for tolerating the cage and show him that you’re not going to simply neglect his needs and desires.  It will also help him associate the cage with something positive.
  • Gradually increase the length of time he wears the cage.
    1. You can push him gently, but do not force him to go faster than he’s comfortable with.  This needs to be mostly at his pace.
      • For example, if he wants to stay at 30 minutes instead of increasing the time to an hour, try to find a compromise.  Suggest 45.  Or 35.  Or hell, even 31.  Any increase is still an increase.
      • But if he flat-out refuses, let him stick with 30 for one more time.
        • Inform him gently that you’re compromising, you’re putting his needs and desires above yours, but you do need him to meet you in the middle.  You want to know that your needs and desires are given the same weight that his are.
        • This is not supposed to be a lecture, and do not be condescending or angry.  Stay calm, stay kind, stay compassionate.  If you want him to follow your lead, prove to him that you’re a worthy leader.
    2. Always make sure he is rewarded for his effort, to reinforce the behavior.
      • Positive reinforcement is always 10,000% more effective than negative reinforcement.  Keep this in mind.

Hope this helps!  Let me know how it works out for you!

The difference between boys and girls

So I was talking with kazander the other night, and we got on the subject of male subs and female subs, and the differences between them.

Specifically, the difference in frequency of orgasms.

With female subs, it’s quite common to give her orgasms. It’s quite common to give her multiple orgasms. On any given day, a hefty number of collared sub girls can realistically expect at least one orgasm from her Dominant.

Sure, girls in chastity exist, and orgasm denial exists with girls, but it’s not as prevalent as it is with sub boys.

And he asked why.

Well, the obvious answer is that letting him (or any boy) cum kind of ruins my mood. I know he’s not going to feel submissive, and that our play is pretty much done, and it’s going to take a few days of effort to get him back where I want him.

Women don’t have that problem. Orgasms don’t necessarily diminish desire and submissiveness in girls. Depending on the girl, multiple orgasms can make her even more slutty and submissive, which is awesome. I played with a girl for awhile who became that soft, sweet pile of subby goo after a few orgasms, so guess what I did every damn time I played with her. I gave her plenty of orgasms to put her in that slutty headspace and to keep her there.

But he pointed something out that I hadn’t really considered.

Most of his submission is motivated by sexual pleasure. He’s not really service-oriented. He does it because it turns him on.

And that’s not news to me. He’s always been that way, but as long as he does what the fuck he’s told, I’m not really concerned about whether his submission comes from a desire to serve or a desire for sexual gratification. As long as he’s that deliciously slutty puddle of goo, I’m happy.

But he did bring up an interesting point. He knows that he isn’t allowed to cum often. He’s lucky if he gets to cum once a week. So when it is finally allowed to happen, he knows for a fact that it’ll be at least a week before it happens again. And that knowledge can make it tough for him to fall back into that submissive mindset. It can make it harder for him to genuinely put his heart and soul into his submission, and that makes neither of us happy. He knows that, for at least the next few days, it won’t matter how well he behaves or how far and above he goes beyond what I expect of him, nothing he can do will give him the reward he wants.

And that doesn’t make me happy, obviously, but it doesn’t make him happy, either. He craves that headspace, he craves that structure, and he pointed out that it’s not necessarily the orgasm that ruins it for him, but the knowledge that it won’t happen again for a long time. And he hopes that the new routines I’m implementing will help, particularly being made to suck my strap-on each day, but he’s really had trouble falling back to that headspace in the days immediately after an orgasm.

When he brought this to my attention, I replied by telling him that I want to pull his focus off of his dick and his pleasure.

And he understands that. But he brought up another point. A lot of the sexual attention I give him surrounds the dick. I edge him to keep him horny. I randomly reach down and grope him when I want to remind him that I own what hangs there. I use CBT to discipline him, punish him, or just when I’m feeling sadistic and want to make him squirm. To reward him, or if I’m feeling generous, I’ll play with it or absently fondle it while watching TV. More often than not, I’ll take him out of chastity while I play with him, so I can tease and mess with him. And then, when I’m done with him, I’ll lock him back up and put him away for the night.

A good deal of the sexual attention I give him focuses on the dick. So how can I expect him not to think about it, when I actively keep it at the front of his mind?

And that’s a good point.

And I know how to fix that. I could lock him up, keep him locked up, and start using other things to give him pleasure. Particularly his ass. I could absently finger him instead of absently fondling him. I could grab his ass instead of the dick. I could fuck him with my strap-on instead of edge him. And it doesn’t have to be just his ass. His entire body is my sexual playground, and I could feasibly go weeks and more without touching the dick. It’s something that could easily be changed.

But you know what? I like playing with the dick. It’s mine, and it’s my favorite toy. I don’t want to stop.

And why should I? Why should I have to deny myself something I thoroughly enjoy doing? I like playing with my toy, and I intend to continue playing with my toy. I have no desire to change that.

So then how do we solve the problem of his submission waning after an orgasm?

Simply by randomizing the frequency. He may cum once a week, he may cum once a month, he may cum three times in two days.

I’m going to take away his downtime. An orgasm today will not necessarily mean that he won’t orgasm tomorrow, if I feel he deserves it, or if I want to make him cum in a humiliating way, or if I want to punish him by making him eat it.

So it gives him something concrete to work toward. It keeps him aware, keeps him motivated, even after orgasm. It makes him want to submit, even when his desire is at its lowest point.

Of course, good behavior and going above and beyond my expectations does not, and never will, guarantee an orgasm. As always, it is at my discretion. There’s nothing he can do, nothing he can say, that will give him that guarantee. And since he’s no longer allowed to ask if he can cum, the only way he can raise his chances is to surrender himself, surrender his control. It will help remind him of who and what he is, where his place is within our relationship, and what I expect from him.

It will help him fall back into that blissfully slutty mindset that we both love. He’ll be more satisfied because he’ll have motivation, he’ll have structure, and he’ll more intimately feel the power I hold over him. I’ll be more satisfied because getting him to do what he’s told after orgasm won’t be a struggle.

Win-win.

How did kazander spend the day?

Glad you asked.  Like this:WP_20150607_19_42_33_ProWe’re still waiting on the new chastity device, but in the meantime, he’s been dealing with the one we’ve got pretty well.  It’s been three days that he’s had it on, now.  Including at night.  And those beads I’ve got in his ass there are small enough that he can keep them in for hours and hours and hours and hours without getting too uncomfortable.  Win-win.

Shopping

I’m buying another chastity cage for kazander. The one we have is simply unbearable at night, and it’s getting to the point that I have to let him out for a day or two every week, just to keep him functioning normally. Collapsing from exhaustion isn’t really sexy.  I’ve tried keeping him locked up for weeks at a time, hoping he’ll just get used to it.  That didn’t work.  I’ve tried using lotion to lube up the area before bed.  That didn’t work.  I’ve run out of ideas. Continue reading

Reason why I love my husband, #246

Kazander’s been working a lot of hours lately.  It happens every three months, and we just know that for the last few weeks of the quarter, he’s not going to get a day off, and he’ll be lucky if he gets home before I put the spawn to bed.

So he’s exhausted, and hasn’t really been very subby lately.  It happens every three months, we both know it’s going to happen, and there’s no real way around it.  I can’t really blame him.  Not when he’s working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Continue reading

Changes an’ Such

A few things have changed. First of all, kazander and I got married in November. The venue was disorganized and awful, but we had a lot of fun. People still give us compliments on the ceremony. We happen to be friends with an awesome officiant (can we say “friendship discount,” everyone?), who is also a part of the local BDSM community. That’s how we met him, as a matter of fact. He’s also known us for almost as long as we’ve been together, so he knows us so well as a couple. Continue reading