From vanilla to D/s

Hello, I read your mistakes men make and allow me to say. Wow I am an idiot! Amazing writing and so spot on and very eye opening. Thank you!

My question is do you have a writing that kinda goes hand in hand for said vanilla wife? I looked but did not see it. Not an instruction manual but something to help her understand this idiot she has been married to for 21 years?

I actually haven’t written anything from the wife’s perspective in this situation.  It honestly just hasn’t occurred to me.  But now that I think about it, a post about this isn’t a bad idea.  Because what should a wife do when she finds herself in the kind of position described in the post?

This is actually kind of hard for me to relate to, so I’m going mostly off of conversations I’ve had with women who were in the position, and who successfully made the shift from vanilla to FemDomme.

The first thing to remember is that you cannot create something from nothing.  You can’t take a hardcore submissive and turn her into a happy Domme.  That’s just not who she is.  It’s not what she wants.  It’s unlikely that she will ever change.

That goes for vanilla women, too.  Some women simply want their husband to take the lead.  They’re just not interested in being a Dominant, and trying to shove them into a box they will never fit into is futile and selfish.

For a woman to become a Dominant, she must already have a tendency to be dominant.

But even for the most dominant vanilla woman, making the switch to a Dominant will be difficult.  And overwhelming.

Because let’s be honest, BDSM does not come naturally to 95% of humans.  For most people, loving and caring about someone makes them distinctly averse to hurting them, or humiliating them, or otherwise mistreating them.

I’ve been asked by many vanilla people how I can hurt someone I love.  And how I make sense of the thousands of apparent contradictions in the way I feel about my subs, and the way I interact with them.

My best friend is on the conservative side when it comes to relationships, and she’s had plenty of questions about my relationship with Sounder in particular, due to the heavy emphasis on consensual nonconsent (ie, making him do shit he doesn’t want to do).

And yeah, it’s confusing for someone not in the lifestyle.  I love Sounder, I adore him, I’d do anything for him, and yet I enjoy causing him pain.

I’m fiercely protective of him (despite the fact that he really doesn’t need anyone’s protection), and will readily jump to his defense against anyone who tries to fuck with him, and yet I actively look for people to help me humiliate and dehumanize and mistreat him.

He’s one of my favorite people on the planet, one of the very few people I genuinely trust, and yet I am often very rough and sadistic with him.

It doesn’t make sense to most people.  It’s confusing.

And honestly, my attempts to explain it have fallen short.  All I can really say is that it creates a very unique sort of intimacy that vanilla relationships just don’t have.  Sounder trusts me to hurt him, to break him, to bring him low and lay him out, and he shows me a side of him that no one else gets to see.

It’s strange for most people, and for a woman just stepping in to this kind of lifestyle, none of it makes sense.  It doesn’t come naturally to her.

But still, it intrigues her, there may be parts of it that genuinely appeal to her, and she is willing to try becoming a Domme.

That still leaves the question, “Where do I start?”

How does a woman go from vanilla to Dominant?  What is that first step?

For those women, my first suggestion is to look at some FemDom porn.  Not just videos (I’m actually not a fan of most FemDom porn videos out there.  The Dommes tend to be screech and shrill and annoying).  Look at erotica (preferably written by a woman, from the Domme’s perspective).  Read blogs and true accounts of sessions that actually happened in real life.

Don’t worry about trying to make yourself into the Dommes in those stories or videos.  Just look for something that turns you on. Find a specific area or activity that appeals to you.  You may enjoy watching men being pegged.  You may enjoy making men do chores for you while wearing humiliating clothes.  You may enjoy chastity and orgasm denial.  You may enjoy cuckolding or forced bi.

Anything.

Find some part of it that legitimately appeals to you, something that you think you’d enjoy doing in real life, in your relationship.

This will help you figure out the kind of Domme you want to be.  It’ll help you figure out your identity as a Dominant.

Next, read my Mistakes Men Make post, linked at the top of this article.  Be aware that your partner will very likely attempt the behaviors listed there, and be prepared to handle it.  Learn to recognize if he starts moving too quickly for your liking or becomes too focused on his needs.

Then, give yourself permission to be a bitch.  This is the single hardest thing you’ll have to overcome.  You’ll likely struggle with it, you’ll deal with guilt because it will seem overly selfish to you.

Yeah, that’s the point.

Granted, it’s grossly, hysterically oversimplified, but if you’re struggling with any particular situation, remind yourself that the whole point of a FemDom relationship is that you’re in charge.  It’s all about you.

Correcting your husband will be tough.  So start small.  Give him a chore or two that he has to do each day.  Something simple.  And should he forget or get distracted or whatever, punish him for it (make the punishment fit the crime.  Spanking him nonstop for 20 minutes because he forgot to take the trash out isn’t a reasonable thing to do).

Alternatively, give him a chore, supervise him, and become extremely controlling and micromanaging while he does the chore.

Doing the dishes is a good place to start.  Constantly give him instruction and correction.  Every detail.  Make shit up.  It doesn’t matter.

And make him listen and do what you tell him.

Will he find this exercise pleasant?  Probably not.  Who cares?  It’s not about him, anyway.

Now, that does come with a caveat.  He will likely be just as inexperienced at being a sub as you are at being a Domme.  Just making him do something like that, knowing he’s not going to like it, without telling him why or what you’re trying to do is not a good idea.

Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you don’t have to tell him anything.  He’ll simply trust you, trust in your leadership, and obey.

That takes time, and neither of you are there yet.  Before you have him do the chore, tell him what you’re going to be doing and why.  It’ll still be unpleasant for him, but he’ll understand what’s going on and he’ll be eager to help you become more comfortable with leading and correcting him.

Outside of that, make a goal of correcting him once a day.  For anything.  Something small.  Even something stupid.  Tell him he has to hold the remote in his left hand when he changes the channel.  It doesn’t matter.  Just once a day.

And again, tell him what you’re doing and why.  It’ll help you get in the habit of guiding and correcting unwanted behavior, and it’ll help him get in the habit of obeying you even if he’s not into it at that exact moment.  Because he doesn’t get to choose when he obeys you.

This will help you tremendously when your husband makes the kind of mistakes most men in his position make.  You’ll be more sure of yourself, you’ll feel more comfortable reining him in and bringing him to heel when he gets too far ahead or loses focus, and it’ll help him learn faster that he needs to take his cues from you, not his fantasies.

Once you’re more comfortable with correcting him, and you have an idea of what kind of Domme you want to be, it’s time to sit down with him and the two of you figure out exactly where you want the relationship to go.

Because something you’ll both struggle with in the beginning is the level of communication required.  That’s another thing that doesn’t come naturally to most people.  But it’s so crucial to the long term success of a D/s relationship.

Both of you need to discuss what you want from the relationship, your expectations of each other, and what you need to make the relationship successful.  It’s so critical that you are and remain on the same page moving forward.

And as you move forward, just take it slow.  It’s going to go at your pace, not his.  If he tries to bound ahead, don’t be afraid to pull him back.  As time goes on, it’ll get easier and easier, and eventually, you won’t even have to think about it.