Answering a comment

A gentleman made a comment on my last post.

First time visitor of your blog here.

I totally see your point, however I feel that you are jumping to conclusions. I live in a small town in eastern Europe. I’ve attended a munch once in a city nearby. There were 15 people total. 6 doms, 5 male subs, 3 female subs and 1 domme. The whole time I was there I felt like a third wheel and couldn’t contribute to the conversation, because the only thing we had in common were our intimate interests, which we actually barely talked about. It’s more difficult to manage that in a group setting than in a 1on1 conversation.

So after that experience I retreated back to the internet. There’s one thing I have to point out though. Once I finish my masters degree I want to move. I’m still undecided on the location, maybe UK. I don’t think trying to get to know people over the internet is a bad thing, hell we should praise the internet, because it’s actually hard to find someone compatible, so to speak, within our small community. And who knows, should I find someone like that, it could very well be the nudge I need to move.

Welcome to the blog.

I can see where you’re coming from.  But, since you’ve actually been to a munch, you’re not in the group of men who refuse to go, which are the ones I was addressing in the post.

And I wasn’t condemning the internet. Far from it. I met all three of my subs on the internet, and have developed friendships with people all over the world, thanks to the internet. It also gives people a degree of anonymity that helps them talk out their feelings in a way that an in-person conversation can’t.

Especially if you’re planning on moving, you’re right, it’s a good idea to get to know people from other places.

I’m not saying the internet is a bad thing. But a large group of submissive men (judging from my experience and the experiences of other Dominant women I’ve spoken to about it, the majority of submissive men) has never been to a munch, and outright refuses to go. The excuses they’ve given are as varied as the men themselves, but it all boils down to the same thing.

Some munches suck. Some groups suck. And I’ve been to plenty where I was bored out of my mind, surrounded by people I can’t relate to at all, just like the munch you described. It’s part of the process.

Compare it to vanilla dating. One bad date shouldn’t turn you off to dating altogether. One bad munch shouldn’t turn you off to them all. They’re not all bad. And I still maintain that they’re the best way to get a feel for the local community, as well as make friends who understand this side of you.

That was something Kazander had an issue with for awhile. There were things I did to him that made him nervous and anxious. But he couldn’t talk to anyone about it. He sure as hell couldn’t talk to his vanilla friends. Being exposed to other men and women who understand what he’s feeling, people he could confide in and vent to, has helped him.

He can talk to people who understand the anxiety he felt when I first opened our relationship, people who understand the anxiety he feels when I make him do something that scares him.  Making friends who he can talk to about those kinds of things has been wonderful for him.

And it took a long time for him to get to that point.  He’s not a social butterfly to begin with, and communicating about his feelings isn’t something he excels at.  But eventually, in talking to other subs who are open about themselves, he started opening up a bit, himself.

And really, that is such an important thing.  Too many submissive men feel isolated, and unable to really talk.  I mean, of course they can always talk to their Dominants, but sometimes they just need to be able to talk to someone else.  That’s the way it is with Kazander, anyway.

So yes, the internet is a very good thing, and a useful tool.  But for the men who are too embarrassed or too ashamed to go to a munch, they are quite effectively telling Dominant women what they can expect in a relationship.  If a man is too ashamed to go to a munch, and engage in (mostly) vanilla conversation with other lifestyle people, if he’s unable to be that open, then I can safely assume he’s going to try to shove me into one little corner of his life, and keep me there.

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That doesn’t work for me.  I don’t fit neatly into little corners and boxes.  I burst through and fuck shit up.  It’s kinda my thing.  And I do it extraordinarily well.

Now, I understand that the majority of men can’t handle that.  And I get it.  I know it’s overwhelming, I know.  I’m not saying that all Dommes do what I do or expect what I expect.  I’m sure there are some that aren’t open, and keep D/s in that little corner, and I’m sure that works for them.

I am not one of those women.  And I have personally never met one of those women.  The women I have personally met and spoken to about this topic agree that men refusing to go to munches and/or acknowledging their orientation is supremely annoying and frustrating.

We’re proud of who we are.  And we’re proud of the men we own.  If those men can’t be proud of us, then we have no interest.

For sale?

So I received this particular gem about a month ago.

Jen.
Good evening. I’ve been an avid follower of your blog for some time. The dynamics you create with the men who serve you is something I find fascinating.
I am particularly intrigued by the path you’re leading Sounder down, and what you’re doing with him. That dynamic is fascinating, and I enjoy reading about it, and the things you do to him. I understand that he’s never been penetrated by a man. If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask your indulgence while I illustrate a fantasy I thought I’d never have the opportunity to fulfill.
I have always craved power and control over others. That craving, I’m sure, has had quite a lot to do with the level of success I’ve achieved in my life. But there’s something about sexual control that appeals to me on a completely different level. The idea of forcing someone to bend to my will is highly erotic. This idea has morphed over the years into a fantasy involving nonconsensual sex, of overpowering someone or rendering someone completely helpless and having my way with him. I am not homosexual, but for reasons beyond my understanding, this fantasy has always involved forcing myself on a man, rather than a woman.
You’ve said that Sounder has never been penetrated by a man, and is reluctant to make that happen. The post he wrote very clearly illustrates his general mindset, and the way his reluctance and fear drive you to lead him deeper. Being in a position of leadership myself, this is something I can appreciate. So there is something I’d like to propose to you.
I would like the opportunity to purchase his virginity from you, and use him to fulfill my fantasy. I will be staying in town for the rest of the week. There is a specific way I’ve envisioned this, but of course he is your sub and it’s open to negotiation.
I would like having him brought to my room, blindfolded, with his hands tied behind his back, fully clothed. I would like to forcefully remove his clothes, so he would need a second outfit to wear. And of course you’re welcome to be present through the whole thing. I know you value him and want to make sure your property isn’t harmed. To that extent, I also have recent medical records I am willing to show before I touch him, to prove that I am drug and disease free.
Once his clothes have been removed, I will proceed to penetrate him. You’ve said a couple times that he is very strong, so it’s unlikely I will be able to overpower him without him being bound. Hence the reason for having his hands tied behind his back. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t want him to struggle at all. A large part of what draws me to this fantasy is the aspect of penetrating a man against his will. Souder will be welcome to struggle just as he would if this wasn’t a controlled, planned event.
I don’t have much interest in his mouth. If you want him gagged that’s fine, although I would prefer him not to be gagged, and able to say whatever he wishes.
I  a businessman, and I of course would never expect something for nothing. I would be willing to pay you for the use of your sub, and for his virginity. I’m willing to pay $250 for it, up front of course. And after I’ve finished with him, I will leave the room for a time, to allow you to help him recover, and take your time in leaving. I’m unfamiliar with the protocols for aftercare, but understand that it’s important and should not be neglected, particularly after intense sessions like the one I’ve described.
Please respond at your convenience if this is something that interests you. I would like to thank you for your time and consideration, and wish you a pleasant evening.
Regards

The idea was an intriguing one, but I told him no and didn’t give it much thought.

Until yesterday, when it came up in conversation with Sounder.  I told him the gist of what this gentleman had been looking for.

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Well I think it would be fun…

Those of you who were clients of mine in Alabama can definitely understand why that price was so insulting.  I charged $200 for a session.  Just a regular, plain session.  Why would anyone think I’d give up something far more valuable for only fifty dollars more?

I told this man that I wouldn’t even consider something like that for so little, and that I was shocked at his nerve in suggesting it.  Sounder’s virginity for $250?  Are you kidding me?

That’s like asking to buy the Mona Lisa for a few thousand dollars (it’s worth almost 800 million, in case you were wondering… I kinda have a thing for da Vinci).  You’d be laughed out of the country for suggesting something so ridiculous.

And really, Sounder’s virginity is a valuable commodity.  He’s never been penetrated by a man, he doesn’t want to be penetrated by a man, but his desire to please and obey me overrides his reluctance.

I can see how that would give a man with a rape fantasy a unique opportunity to fulfill a fantasy he would not otherwise be able to fulfill.  Sounder is about as close to “unwilling” as you can get without crossing the line into actual nonconsensual sex.  It’s about as close to realism as you can get without breaking any laws or violating any moral code.

I get that.  As a lover of consensual nonconsent, I adore situations where a boy is forced to do things he doesn’t want to do.  I have my own rape fantasies, and my favorite porn videos involve (believable) roleplay rape scenarios.

So I get it.  I understand the appeal.  And, for this gentleman, I can even tell him why he wants to force himself on a man, rather than a woman.

It has nothing to do with your sexuality.  It’s a dominance thing.  It’s an alpha-male thing.  Especially for someone who craves control and power, what more effective display of power is there?

Gay, straight, or in between, it doesn’t matter.  The attraction to this kind of fantasy has nothing to do with sexuality.  It has to do with dominating another man.  It’s the ultimate display of dominance.

I’ve known a couple of straight or straight-ish Doms who owned male slaves.  When I first met a man like that, I didn’t understand it at all.  Why would he own someone he’s not sexually attracted to?  Why, if he’s not gay or bi, would he choose to own men, rather than women?

He explained the dominance, and the way he views D/s.  For him, he would never dream of Dominating a woman.  In fact, he was married to a Domme, and while he was in no way her sub, she more or less ran things.

For him, it was an alpha-male thing.  He explained that there was no greater feeling in the world than forcing himself inside a reluctant man, making that man accept him.  He was brutal with his subs, and regularly fucked them raw, ruthlessly held them and just pounded his cock into their mouths, he often went ass to mouth, he completely and utterly violated them and degraded them.

It was fucking awesome.  And it made me extremely jealous that I don’t have a penis.  Even now, imagining Sounder being brutally violated that way by a man makes me jealous I don’t have one, and can’t do it myself.

Oh, but don’t get me wrong.  Watching him being used like that by another man will be indescribably hot.

So I get it.  I know that attraction, I can relate to that attraction.  I can understand the appeal of a man like Sounder and the unique opportunity he represents.

But $250?  For Sounder’s virginity?  Hell fucking no.

He has never had a man inside him.  Ever.  In his life.

The very first moment that a man pushes the tip of his cock into Sounder’s hole, that will be gone forever.  You’re only a virgin once.  Only one man on the planet is going to be able to take Sounder’s virginity.  And if I’m going to give it to a stranger, it damn sure won’t be for $250.

I have expensive tastes, ladies and gentlemen.  And I have a boy on the other side of the country who misses me.

There’s no way I would sell something as valuable as Sounder’s virginity for that little.  And it is valuable.  Once he loses it, it’s gone forever.  He will never again be able to say that he’s never been fucked by a man.  For the rest of his life.

But I do know that just because something is valuable doesn’t mean that it’s in high demand.  So I’m curious to know what the demand for a reluctant man’s virginity is.  Is that something many men would want?  Is it something they would pay for?

It’s definitely interesting to think about.  Very intriguing.

 

Something a bit different

Dear Domina Jen,

I am a 60 year old female lifestyle submissive who is currently seeking to be collared in a live in LTR with a Master and/or Mistress. I have been into the scene for a few years now and I have had some memorable sessions with both female and male dominants. I consider myself to be bisexual.

I also have a 41 year old son, my only child, who is likewise into BDSM. He too is submissive and has previously served a dominant female. He has only been into the lifestyle for about a year or so (a late bloomer!) and he considers himself to be bi curious. He has never been married and he does not have any kids.

We both recently discussed the idea of seeking out the same Master and/or Mistress for a LTR 24/7 live in arrangement. We are both willing and able to relocate if necessary. We are very close and live together currently. We spend a great deal of our free time together and frequently see movies and go out shopping together. We tell each other basically everything. We both really want to commit to a Master and/or Mistress for a LTR 24/7 live in relationship, but we do not wish to be potentially separated by such an arrangement, which is why we are considering this idea.

Could you please tell me if you would have any advise or wisdom for us as we peruse this goal? Have you ever come across any lifestyle submissives who are closely related by blood and servicing the same dominant(s)? While we are very close and have discussed our respective BDSM lifestyles in the past, we have never witnessed each other in such scenarios…

Thank you!

Anonymous

 

That’s an interesting question.  I know of parents and their grown children both active in the same community, and I’ve seen a Domme engage in non-sexual scenes with her grown daughter.  But I’ve actually never come across a parent and grown child serving the same Dominant.

The idea is somewhat intriguing and fascinating.  For the sake of the readers, I’ll point out that I did ask if you were looking to engage in sexual play with your son, and you told me that no, you’d never considered it, and the thought doesn’t interest you at all.

Still, this is something completely different from anything I’d ever heard of before (and I thought I’d heard it all).

But I don’t think what you’re looking for is unreasonable, or unrealistic.  I see no reason why you wouldn’t both be able to serve the same Dominant, and remain together.

Of course, it would depend on the situation.  For just one random example, I always prefer my subs naked.  That rule has fallen a bit by the wayside since the spawn was born, but it’s still my preference, and it’s the preference of a lot of Dominants I know personally.

So in a situation like that, you both would have to decide whether you’re comfortable seeing each other naked.  It’s also very likely, if you’re all living in the same house, that you will witness quite a bit of each other’s scenes.  For one example, you’ll have to ask yourself how you’d feel about seeing him punished, should he make a mistake.  And he’ll need to consider how he’d feel about seeing you punished.

From your description of how close you are, it’s possible that seeing each other being hurt may cause a level of discomfort, despite knowing that it’s all consensual, SSC, and all that.

My advice to you is to sit down with your son, before you start seriously looking for a Dominant, and figure out exactly what you are and are not comfortable with.  Figure out where your own boundaries are.  Taking on two new submissives at the same time can be daunting for even the most experienced Dominant, and making him/her try to hash out your boundaries with each other as well as your boundaries as individuals, as well as your triggers, you default states, your body language, your preferred method of expression, etc., is just too much.

That’s something you need to know beforehand.  Now, I recognize that you may be perfectly fine with the idea of something, and have an unexpected reaction in the moment.  Your son may be fine with the idea of you being grabbed by your hair in the middle of a conversation, pulled across a Dominant’s lap, and spanked until you cry.  But sons can sometimes be just as protective of their mothers as fathers are of their daughters.  Especially with how close you are, it’s possible he may have an unexpected reaction to something like that.

And an experienced Dominant will know that, and will take things slowly, anyway.  Still, it’s a very good idea to figure out what you’re at least theoretically comfortable with.

The other thing is his sexuality.  I can only speak for myself and the handful of people I’ve talked to about this, but I read bi-curious (or straight-curious) and am immediately wary.  I’ve had too many boys who initially said they were open to being bi, only to decide that no, it’s not for them, after I’d already invested my time and energy in them, and gotten emotionally attached.

Combine that with his lack of experience, and you’re looking at a significant obstacle.

He needs to figure out what his orientation is.  Straight, bi, pansexual, gay, or somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter.  But the word “curious” after it is an immediate turn-off for me personally, because I can’t trust that he’ll be able to give me what I may want.  I know for a fact I’m not the only Domme who thinks that way.

So he needs to figure that out.  He’ll probably need to experiment a bit, to see where his boundaries are there, and what his feelings are.  Regardless of what his sexuality is, what he’s comfortable with, and what he can do, he needs to know.

And for a situation like this, I would suggest sticking to experienced Dominants (but beware the ones who immediately declare how many years’ experience they have).  Your situation is complex, and creating a relationship with the two of you will undoubtedly be complicated, simply by the nature of the relationship.  You need a Dominant who knows what they’re doing, how to manage the both of you together, and as individuals, and how to work within your dynamic.

I don’t know where you live or what the local community is like there.  If it’s possible, being active in the community is so much more effective than trying to meet a Dominant online.  I would definitely recommend going that route.

But if that’s not possible, and you have to look online, then read.  Find a Dom/me that interests you, read their profile and their interests to see if you think you’d be compatible, and type out a custom message.  Don’t copy and paste anything, so many subs do it, and they’re not fooling anybody.  We can always tell.  No cookie-cutter messages.

It takes a lot of work, but that’s kind of the point.  If a sub can’t put the work in to try and initiate a relationship with me, what could I be able to expect of him once he’s mine?

It may take time, but with some patience and persistence, I have no doubt that you’ll find the scenario you’re looking for.

Full Circle

I actually got five straight hours of sleep on Thursday morning after writing the last post, which is a huge improvement over the previous three.  I’m still feeling a bit raw, but life goes on, and I’ve never been one to dwell.  Just turn that shit off and move on.

And when I woke up, I saw both a text message and a Facebook message from Pet, telling me he had a question for me.

I texted him back, asking what the question was, but I knew he was in school (you know, high school), so didn’t expect a quick reply.

When he did reply, he asked, “Would you be my sponsor?”

And I was confused.  Immediately my mind went to Sadie and Mal’s play parties.  The group is a closed group, and new people can only become members by being sponsored by one of the “leader” figures.

But Pet had already been to their house four times.  More than that, Sadie told me she was protecting him.  So why would he need a sponsor?

It had to be for something else.  I asked, “In what sense?”

It was in fact for the play parties.

Why?  And wasn’t Sadie his sponsor?

Apparently she’d told him that he needed a sponsor to continue coming to the meetings.  I was still so confused, but I told him I’d be his sponsor, but to talk to Sadie first, to make sure she was okay with me sponsoring him.

He told me he already had.  And I trusted him, but I decided to text her myself, just to be sure.  I’d rather be paranoid than accidentally step on her toes.  I don’t know their relationship.

She assured me that it was fine, that he wasn’t hers, and that I was welcome to him.

So I’m protecting a high school kid now, apparently.  Oh, and a gay high school kid, I don’t think I shared that detail yet.  He describes himself as homosexual, but panromantic.  I owned a boy like that once upon a time (although we didn’t know words like panromantic ten years ago, so trying to explain our relationship to others got complicated), so that’s something I can completely understand.

But I was still confused.  Why wasn’t Sadie protecting him anymore?  Why wasn’t she his sponsor?  And why did he still need a sponsor?

Then I saw a message she’d shared with all the members of the group, reminding everyone of the rules, and stating that the group has enjoyed a rather significant influx of new members, and that they were going to freeze membership for awhile.

And it made sense.  Each sponsor is only allowed to sponsor three people at any given time.  She likely already had her three.  And she wasn’t going to break her own rule.  It’s also very likely that he never had an official sponsor.  So with her needing to crack down on the rules, it made perfect sense that he’d need to be officially sponsored.

That, and his age and inexperience pose a potential problem.  He’s no idiot, and seems quite capable of taking care of himself.  But it is her house, and should something go wrong, she’s the one that would be held responsible.  Someone needs to keep an eye out for him, to take responsibility for him, and to keep him safe.

He may not necessarily need that, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.  If it was my house, I’d make the exact same decision.  And if I couldn’t protect him personally, I’d make sure someone I trusted could, or I wouldn’t let him come back.

He’s not unintelligent, and seems extremely mature for his age, and has already impressed me more than once, but there’s no escaping the fact that he’s only 18.  He lacks the life experience of a 40-year-old, a 30-year-old, or even a 25-year-old.  If I was Sadie, I’d be paranoid about keeping him safe, too.  He’d probably be annoyed by that (I know I would be, in his position at 18), but he can just be annoyed.  I’ll ask him again in ten years and see if it still annoys him.

So I’m protecting a gay teenage switch.  Alrighty, then.

He’s not mine, I don’t know if I could even call him a play partner.  We’ve only played once, and that was Sadie’s scene, not mine.  I don’t know if that will change at any point.  But I’m not looking for another long-term sub (and he’s leaving for college after he graduates, anyway), so right now, he’s just a friend, a sweet little thing who has dealt with a lot in his short years.

He needs someone steady, and dependable, and supportive, with the wisdom and life experience to know what to say, and when to keep quiet when he needs someone to hear him.  I can definitely be that for him while he’s here.  And cuddling with him feels pretty awesome.

He’s also interested in exploring his Dom side a bit more.  At the play party last night, we were watching Mal teach a woman how to flog, and he mentioned that he hasn’t had much opportunity to learn.  And I’d be happy to teach him.

The problem is that my boys wouldn’t be great guinea pigs for a lot of it.  Kazander isn’t a masochist, so wouldn’t have a lot of patience for flogging/paddling/whipping/caning/whatever.

And Sounder may be a better guinea pig for things like that, but with his current health concerns, I’d be awfully nervous about accidentally hurting him.  There’s a lot I’d be able to use him for, but I’m very protective of my boys to begin with, and combining an inexperienced Dom with an injured sub requires a pretty high level of caution.

So for much of it, Pet would have to find his own guinea pig… which, I understand, could be difficult for an 18-year-old high school student.

He mentioned asking Sadie if he could use her sub, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable teaching him on someone else’s submissive.  If there’s something he wants to learn that he would need Sadie’s sub for, I’d rather her be the one to teach him, if that’s something she wants to do.  But some things, I’m sure I could use either Kazander or Sounder for.

Brings back memories, though.  When I was his age, I had a mentor who was much older (granted, the age difference was closer to 25, rather than 12).  And now I’m an adult, mentoring a teenager.

Full circle and all.

Oh, and speaking of Kazander, he came to the play party with me last night.  He’d only ever been to one before, but it had been months ago, and since Sadie is freezing membership, we wanted to make sure he’d be allowed back.

And Mal was kind enough to let me do fire play again, and let me try out his brand new Kevlar wand, which was awesome.  Pet was quick to volunteer to let me set him on fire again.  It gave me an opportunity to hurt him, which, I mean come on, I’m not going to let that opportunity pass me by.  I couldn’t convince him to let me burn off his chest hair, though, dang it.

Then I looked to Kazander, waved the flaming wand a bit, and said, “Wanna try?”

He’d already seen Mal teach Di how to set her girlfriend on fire, and he’d seen me set Pet on fire, so he shrugged and said, “Okay.”

He took his clothes off and hopped up on the table.  Mal was needed back inside, so a longtime Domme friend, Bit (who taught Mal fireplay, incidentally) stepped up to supervise.  It was only my second time, and while I didn’t need any help, they wanted to make sure I didn’t make any mistakes.

Both Kazander and I love Bit to death.  She’s a tiny little thing, maybe about 4’10”, or somewhere around there.  She’s in her 50s, and has been doing this since before I was born.  She’s played with Kazander before, and she came to my baby and bridal shower, and I just love having her around.

So Kazander was relieved that she was the one supervising, rather than Mal, simply because he’s known her longer, and, of course, she’s female.

I will never understand what it is with straight guys and being so weird about stuff like that.  You hardly ever meet a straight woman who has that hang-up.  I don’t give two shits if a straight chick touches my ass (especially if it’s on fire, and she’s touching it to put it out).  But Kazander was weirded out by the idea.

But in the end, Mal wouldn’t have had to touch him, anyway.  Bit didn’t touch him at all.  She simply stood back and watched, occasionally giving me pointers or tips.

And Kazander didn’t mind it at all.  He said it felt good, and even when it did start to hurt a bit, it didn’t hurt nearly as much as wax play.

And I want that Kevlar wand!  That thing is soooo awesome!  And the flames burn higher than the cotton wands, so it just looks cooler.

But it’s expensive.  It’s $45, plus freaking $60 to ship it, since it’s coming from Hawaii.  So it’s definitely going on my gonna-buy-one-day list.  In the meantime, I can still use the cotton wands.

Next I want to learn fire cupping.  And isn’t it convenient that I know an awesome Domme with tons of experience with it, who could teach me?

I definitely need to give Bit a call.

You’re doing -everything- wrong

Please teach me mistress i surrender and Need long term online training

Okay, I’m flattered that you would want to surrender to me, and would want me to train you, assuming this is coming from a genuine place.

But this sentence is painful, and everything you could have possibly done wrong, you did wrong here.

Like, it’s impressive how much wrong you crammed into this sentence.

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So you either wrote that comment to be a sexist jerk and attention whore, or you simply don’t know what you did wrong.

I’m going with the second option, and to help you in the future, I’ll tell you exactly what you did wrong and how to fix it.

First of all, grammar and punctuation matter. This is the only first impression you get, and while you didn’t threaten to rape or murder me (which is an improvement over some messages I get), you damn sure didn’t blow me away with your charm and intellect.

I’m not a huge fan of the online protocol of capitalizing pronouns for Dominants, but titles, when used, really should be capitalized. The fact that you didn’t capitalize anything (except a random N) or use a single bit of punctuation makes you look lazy, and like you don’t care.

Why would I want a submissive like that? Why would I want a submissive who can’t/won’t put forth the effort required to edit and proofread a single sentence? How reliable can I expect that person to be?

You also posted this as a comment on this post, which means you either randomly picked a post from like 6 months ago because you know you’re a troll and don’t want to be embarrassed by having everyone see it (in which case, you really shouldn’t have written it in the first place), or you’ve actually read some of my blog.

But if you’ve read some of my blog (or my Fetlife profile), you know that I don’t like the use of titles by people I don’t own.  Funny enough, a post written the very next fucking day (as in, literally the next goddamn day) explicitly states that I don’t want people I don’t own to use titles when addressing me.

Don’t feel like reading that post?  Or did you happen to miss the part where I said I don’t want boys I don’t own to use titles?  Well, here ya go.

In fact, if I don’t own you, I don’t want you to call me by a title at all.  My name is Jen.

I’m not your Mistress. I’m not your Owner.

I’m a person, dude.

I’m not a fetish delivery system. And sending a message like this one, begging to serve me without a desire to get to know me, and without giving me an opportunity to get to know you, makes you come across as a sexist troll who only cares about the kinks I can satisfy for you.

Yeah, no. That’s what porn and Pro ProDommes are for. That’s not what I do.

Kinks and fetishes can be negotiated. But if I can’t stand you as a human being, there’s no getting around that.

Along that same vein, your message talks about what you need. You tell me what you want from me, you tell me the need you want satisfied, but not even a sliver of a thought is given to how you can serve my needs.

Since, you know, that’s kind of the point of a Femdom relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, talking down to you while you jerk off on cam does not serve my needs.

Even in online relationships, the sub’s job is to serve his Dominant.  Often, this is done financially.  If you can’t be there to massage my feet, pay for my pedicures so someone else can.

But it doesn’t always have to be financial.  Steel isn’t local to me, but he still serves me.  Not financially, he serves me by being my sounding board.  He patiently listens to me vent and rant, and has the unique ability to show me different perspectives without undermining my authority, and can point out if I’m possibly wrong about something without being a dick.  He’s someone whose opinion and wisdom I trust, and someone I know will drop what he’s doing when I need him.

But that’s my point.  He works to improve my life in a real way.  He uses his talents, his strengths, his skills to serve me.  In fact, when Kazander and I were at our worst, it was his skill, his ability to tactfully point out things I might have missed, that showed me how to take a big step toward saving my marriage.

So service doesn’t have to be financial.  But there does have to be some kind of service there.  And you talked about what you want without so much as a hint about what you have to offer.

More than that, you told me to teach you. There wasn’t even a question there. As if you have some kind of right or privilege to me and my time.  As if one poorly-worded message entitles you to my attention.

Fuck everything about that.

So, to recap, this message made you come across as lazy, sexist, rude, and inconsiderate.

And you haven’t yet found a Domme to serve?  What a shock.

But again, I’m choosing to assume you’re actually a good person, just new, inexperienced, and simply unaware of how you’re coming across.

So now I’ve told you what you’re doing wrong. But how do you correct those mistakes for next time?

First, read, goddammit.

Yes, reading is tedious and time-consuming. Do it anyway. Relationships take work.

The Internet gives you the unique opportunity to get to know the person you’re messaging before you message them. Take advantage of that opportunity.

Had you read the very next day’s post on my blog, you would’ve known that I don’t want you to call me Mistress.

Sounder read my blog before messaging me for the first time on Collarspace.

No, not a post or two of my blog. The. Entire. Blog.

All two-hundred-some posts.

Armed with a pretty damn good idea of who I am, what I’ll react well to, and the best way to approach me, he constructed a well-thought-out, intelligent, humorous message that stood out from the other dozen or so I’d gotten that day.

Now, do you have to read my entire blog before messaging me?  No.  It impressed the hell out of me, but it’s not a requirement.

Sissy didn’t read my entire blog before messaging me.  But he wrote a sweet, intelligent message that stood apart from the others I’d gotten that day.  He consistently went above and beyond my expectations and surprised and impressed me.

What Sissy and Sounder have in common is that they both approached me as a person first.  Their messages didn’t list their kinks or their fetishes or their fantasies.  In fact, other than Sissy mentioning that he’s a sissy, and Sounder mentioning some of his past experience, nothing in either of their messages had anything to do with their kinks.  Both messages were polite, courteous, and gave me the opportunity to get to know them as people, rather than a list of fetishes.

Of course, the list of fetishes is important, and will be shared soon after the first exchange of messages.  Sexual compatibility and whatnot.

But again, fetishes and kinks can be negotiated.  Personal compatibility is way more important.  And a man who sees me as a person instead of his personal outlet for experiencing fetishes will always win over the one who spews the list of fantasies and what he wants from me.

So read profiles.  Read blogs.  Put some work into getting to know the person you want to serve.  If, after learning a bit about their personality, you still want to serve them, that’s when you send the message.

You may find out that I spent the evening eating almost half a pint of pistachio gelato while watching last night’s RAW and The Edge and Christian Show That Totally Reeks of Awesomeness (I cried when Edge retired from wrestling a few years ago), listening to Angela Gheorghiu, and reading Deadpool vs Spiderman comic books and decide that I’m not your type.

Or, more likely, maybe you’ll read about me and decide that I’m amazing and wonderful and charming and witty and modest and you totally want to worship the ground I walk on.

So how do you get my attention?

Well, take everything that you did in your first message, and do the exact opposite.

Instead of doing the online equivalent of a catcall (which is what you did, and it doesn’t work any better online than it does in real life, mostly because deep down, you don’t have any more interest in me as a person than the men making catcalls have interest in the objects of their momentary lust), approach me with respect, and courtesy, and show me why you’re worth my time.

If you don’t have a legitimate interest in serving me, then don’t catcall me.  If you do have a legitimate interest in serving me, then take the time to think about how you’re coming across.  If you actually want to serve a woman, then show her in the first message.  Make the effort to be respectful, and to stand out from the rest.

Hopefully, if you actually are a genuine sub, this will help you in the future in your efforts to find a Domme to serve.

No limits?

You’ve seen it around Fetlife or Collarspace, or maybe you’ve seen it in your inbox from an eager sub.

“I have no limits, I just want to please you.”

And I don’t quite understand the reaction that is so common among Dominants and the more self-absorbed submissives.

They scoff and roll their eyes, and assume that the one making that claim is either inexperienced, stupid, or fake.  I’ve even seen people roll their eyes if the list of limits is shorter than their liking.

One of my friends said, “As soon as a sub tells me he has no limits, or only lists the ‘Big 3’ as his limits, the first thing I ask is, ‘Oh, good, so I can cut your balls off?'”

To which the man immediately replies, “Hell no.”

“Oh, okay, so you do have limits.”

Which I can understand, to a point.  There are some people who actually are inexperienced and just don’t know any better, or have only considered the fantasy and not the reality of a day-to-day D/s relationship.  Those people do need a reality check.

However

Let me step off-topic for a minute and say that, contrary to (extremely) popular belief, you actually don’t have to be an asshole when giving them that reality check.  So many women bitch about all these do-me subs filling their inbox, but they can’t find a genuine sub who wants to serve them.  Have you ever thought that maybe the reason you can’t find them is because you called them all idiots for not knowing everything there is to know about BDSM and D/s relationships from the get-go?  Maybe it’s because you were a condescending bitch to the eager newbie who didn’t spend 147 hours researching D/s before messaging you.

They always say that there are hundreds of male subs for every female Domme.  Maybe if some of those Dommes were just a smidge kinder, they wouldn’t have so much trouble finding a sub who wants submit to them (as a side note, Polthus over at Grind_n_Throb wrote an awesome piece about the sub-to-Domme ratio, and it’s definitely worth reading).

In my experience, “no limits” does not necessarily mean that someone is inexperienced or that they don’t know what they’re talking about.  In fact, I get rather turned off by people with lists of hard limits that are pages long.

“No limits” is often another way of saying, “I’m open to the possibility of trying anything within a safe, sane, and consensual D/s relationship, with a partner that I trust and has proven herself to be both worthy of that trust and capable of protecting my physical/mental/emotional health.”

When a sub says he has “no limits,” that does not mean you can start cutting limbs off on the first date.  I don’t know why everyone immediately goes to that scenario.  Even subs who do have lists, but short ones, and don’t expressly forbid things like amputation or castration can sometimes be ridiculed.

Okay, sure, but my list of hard limits doesn’t expressly forbid a sub from trying to tie me down and cut off one of my limbs (granted, it would be a little harder for him to do that when he’s tied down, himself, with various things sticking out of his various holes), but I think we can all safely assume that’s a hard limit.

It’s just one that doesn’t necessarily have to be mentioned because I assume that the person I’m playing with is a sane individual.  And if the person I’m playing with is not a sane individual, and I find myself in a situation like that, then I made a whole series of horrible judgement calls that have nothing to do with what is and is not on my list of hard limits.

It’s the same for the subs who either say they have no limits, or only list a very few.  Just because an activity that no sane person would do is not on their list, does not mean that it’s an approved activity.

The short list and the lack of list means that, when a submissive man makes his own judgement calls, decides that the prospective Domme is sane and trustworthy, and offers his submission to her, he’s taking into consideration her character, her ethics, her morals, and what she will or will not do to him once he’s tied down and unable to stop her.

Amputation may not be expressly forbidden on his list, but he won’t offer his submission to a woman in the first place if he thinks she may pull out a Santoku once he’s bound and helpless.

And should he make a horrible judgement call, and find himself in that situation, do you honestly think it’s going to matter what’s on his list?  A deranged psychopath with a fetish for collecting penises is not going to say, “Oh, castration is on your list of hard limits?  Well dammit, I guess I have to let you go, then.”

And for the record, years ago I knew a sub who had forced bi listed as a hard limit.  After having dinner with a Domme he’d met on Collarme, they went back to her place to play.  She tied him down on a sawhorse and brought in her boyfriend.

It didn’t matter what was on his list of hard limits, because the person he’d chosen to submit to was not a sane person.  The presence of forced bi on his list did nothing to protect him, did nothing stop her.  An arbitrary list is not going to mean anything to a deranged person.

“No limits” is not a bad thing, and having no limits does not make someone a “bad sub.”

Something you do, or something you are?

Mismatched expectations can and will ruin any relationship. Without fail.

In the context of BDSM and female-led-relationships, those expectations carry a lot of weight.

Now, I’m dipping into semantics here, which makes me cringe, but for the sake of clarity in this post, humor me.

In the wonderful world of Femdom, there are two types of men.  There are submissive men, and there are men who submit.

Stay with me, I have a point, I promise.

For the purpose of this post, there is a difference.

Submitting is something you do.

A submissive is something you are.

One isn’t better than the other.  They’re just different.  A relationship with a submissive man will be different than a relationship with a man who submits.

The same goes for Dominant women, and obviously Dominant women can often have mismatched expectations that contribute to the possible end of a relationship, but for this post, I’m focusing on submissive men.

I think one of the common problems that leads to mismatched expectations is that men don’t realize which type they are.  Because there is a difference.

Submission as a kink is great, and a surprising number of men share that kink.  They want to be talked down to, they want to be humiliated or beaten or kept in chastity or forced out of their comfort zone.  But once the sex is over, once they leave the bedroom, the submissive feelings disappear.

Some people might call these men “bedroom submissives.”  Others may say they’re “sexually submissive.” Some may call them “bottoms” or “kinksters.”  It doesn’t matter what the title is, or how they’re labeled, they feel submissive when they’re horny, and when they want their kinks satisfied.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I’m sure as hell in no position to judge someone else for their kinks.

But those men are not submissives.  It’s something they do.

Submissive men, on the other hand, are submissive not necessarily to satisfy a kink, but because being owned in a female-led-relationship is what they crave, at the deepest levels of themselves.  They serve without expectation of having their sexual kinks satisfied.

A good thing to remember is that a FLR does not necessarily have to be a BDSM relationship.  A FLR is exactly that: A Female-Led Relationship.  No more, no less.

Often, D/s is an element added to the FLR, as is BDSM, and then you’ve got the potential TPE thrown in, as well as a bunch of other letters I may be forgetting.

So take the D/s, BDSM, and all the other letters out, and just leave the relationship itself.  Would you still want to serve and be owned, if sex and kink were taken out of the equation?  Would you want to yield to her, would you want to give up control to her?  Would you be happy in that sort of relationship?

Obviously, submissives still have kinks.  I’m not trying to imply that having a kink you want satisfied makes you “not submissive.”  Being submissive doesn’t mean you can’t have kinks, desires, turn-ons, etc.  It just means that your reasons for wanting to serve go further and deeper than having those kinks satisfied.

A submissive man knows that it’s not up to him whether or not his kinks and desires get satisfied. He knows that his kinks and desires take a back seat to making sure her needs, desires, and kinks are met. He knows that it’s completely at her discretion whether he’s rewarded with what he wants.

He knows that she may reward him, if she’s feeling generous and feels like he’s earned it. And she may not. She may decide he hasn’t done enough to warrant a reward. She may have other plans in mind that require his pleasure being temporarily denied. She may just simply not feel like it. Whichever she decides, he knows he must obey, and must give her what she wants, with little to no regard to his needs and desires.

There is a difference between being submissive and wanting kinks satisfied. There’s a difference between submission as something you do and submission as something you are.

The first step toward finding satisfaction within the Femdom world is to figure out which category you belong to. And to be honest with yourself about it.

Now, because I’ve heard this concern from quite a few men in the last few months, I do want to point out a very, very important fact.

Submissive ≠ Doormat

Say it with me, y’all.  And then say it again.

There are a surprising number of men who feel a level of confusion about who they are and what they want in a Femdom relationship, because there’s this mindset that, if a man is submissive, he has to be submissive to everybody.  He has to be a doormat and let people take advantage of him.

He may think, “I feel like I’m submissive, but I can’t be because I don’t let people walk all over me.”

And submissive does not have to be a weak-willed, timid man who can’t stand up for himself.

No.  That is a not a submissive.  That is a doormat.

Now, there are doormats who are submissive.  There are doormats who aren’t.  There are submissives who are doormats.  There are submissives who aren’t.

Not the same thing.

I use my ex as an example.  He was extremely open about being a submissive.  Our male roommate knew.  His friends knew.  Most of his family knew.  Everyone knew.  He never bothered to hide it.

And he was not a doormat.  Quite the opposite, he was pretty fucking obnoxious at times, and very quick to feel like he’d been slighted, and very quick to get confrontational over that imagined insult.  More than once, I had to physically remove him from situations to keep him from getting into a fistfight.  Again.

When a new person found out about him being submissive, there would be any number of reactions.  Sometimes, people would be fascinated and curious.  Sometimes they wouldn’t have any interest, and wouldn’t react much at all.  Sometimes they’d go off on some religious or moral rant.  But the most common question was, “Really?  You’re submissive?”

And every time, he’d nod, gesture to me, and say, “To her.”

Yes, he was submissive.  In and out of the bedroom.  Ours wasn’t a TPE, but it was very much a female-led relationship.

But I was the only one he was submissive to.  With everyone else, he was assertive and aggressive, and kind of a dick.

I hasten to point out that not being open doesn’t mean you’re not submissive. That’s not why I use him as the example.

I use him as the example because he so clearly illustrates how someone can be submissive and your typical, assertive, macho Alpha male.

So not knowing whether you submit or whether you’re submissive can cause issues within a relationship.  You need to know which you are.  You need to know where your desire comes from.

And you need to make sure any potential Dominant knows which you are.  If you’re not a submissive, and she’s looking for a TPE,

image (1)So make sure that’s known from the very beginning. There’s enough else to complicate a D/S relationship. There’s no reason to add to that by having mismatched expectations.