30 Days of Kink: Day 29

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Oh good lord….

*FYI: This is the point where everyone who has known me for any length of time rolls their eyes and says, “Oh, here we go.”

But no, I’m not going to start in on my long bitchy tirade about how ridiculous titles can be, and how expecting people you don’t own to call you by a title is pretentious and annoying and obnoxious and screams “Look at me!  I’m a Dominant!  Can’t you tell?  Please like me!

I’m not going to do that.

Obviously, I call myself Domina Jen.  That is the title of my blog, my Fetlife and Collarspace ID, my twitter ID, Findoms.com ID, everything, all the way around.  I even bought the domain dominajen.com, although I haven’t done anything with it yet.

And I started doing that when I started the blog, primarily so that people who stumbled across the blog would know, at a glance, what it is.

But do I go around insisting that everyone (or anyone) calls me that?

Fuck.  No.

In fact, if I don’t own you, I don’t want you to call me by a title at all.  My name is Jen.

I’m Jen when I’m at work, I’m Jen when I’m with my family, I’m Jen when I’m at the playdates with the other moms at the park, I’m Jen when I’m beating and brutally degrading another human being.  It doesn’t change.  My identity doesn’t change.

I’m not Miss Jen, or Mistress Jen, or Madame Jen, or Lady Jen, or Princess Jen (Jesus, that one hurt just to type), or Goddess Jen, or anything else you can think of.

I don’t need a title to show others that I’m a Dominant, or to validate my position.  I don’t need all the bells and whistles.  I’m a fucking Dominant, whether I’m at a munch, in a session, at an event, at storytime at the library, or in my living room.

Occasionally, I come across subs or slaves who ask me if I’d humor them to use a title, because they feel uncomfortable using my name.  And as long as that desire comes from a place of respect, rather than habit, I will indulge them and let them call me Miss or Miss Jen.  But I don’t introduce myself as Miss Jen.

Because why?

“Well, it’s a show of respect.”

That’s the most popular argument I hear from Dominants who want titles used by every sub and slave.  And it’s bullshit.

If you don’t know me, then I haven’t earned your respect.  If you do know me, and respect me, and ask to use an honorific, then I will usually indulge that desire.  That’s something completely different.  But this whole attitude that everyone who identifies as a submissive or slave has to respect everyone who identifies as a Dominant is just plain stupid.

I don’t want anyone to respect me “just because I’m a Dominant.”  That’s empty and shallow, and not real respect, and cheapens the use of titles all the way around.

Furthermore, I will never, ever command any boy I own to use a title or honorific when addressing anyone other than me.  If they choose to do so, that’s fine.  But I will never make them.

So if you’re one of those Dominants who get all butt-hurt because my boys don’t use a title or honorific when addressing you, I guess you’ll just have to bitch and whine about it.

30 Days of Kink: Day 28

How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

There are a couple of different ways I’ll dress for a session.  Occasionally, I will dress in the corset and leather you see in the Femdom porn videos.  Other times (and most commonly) I’ll dress in a T-shirt or tank top and jeans.  Sometimes I’ll dress in lingerie.  Sometimes I’ll be naked.

I definitely think that my attire makes a difference.  A subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless.  And it definitely makes a difference to the sub I’m playing with.  A corset, leather skirt, and thigh-high boots, with my hair slicked back and my makeup severe, portrays a completely different attitude than my normal T-shirt-and-jeans style.

Now, the vast majority of the time, I don’t dress particularly “special” for a session.  I prefer being myself, dressing in a way that makes me comfortable and allows for a deal of movement and flexibility.  As sexy as my corset is, I can’t bend or stretch or anything like that while wearing it.  It looks great in the pornos, but doesn’t really translate well to real life.

As I’ve said a bajillion times before, and will say a bajillion times again, this isn’t a costume I put on and take off at will.  And while dressing up occasionally is cool and a lot of fun, I don’t go walking down the street dressed like a slutty Dominatrix, so why would I do it during a session?

Besides, being in vanilla clothes most of the time has worked to my advantage quite a bit.  If I have a boy come over, and I’m dressed in the lingerie and thigh-highs, he knows without a doubt that something twisted and kinky is going to happen.  But if I’m in my regular vanilla clothes, he doesn’t necessarily know.  I could just have him clean my house.  I could have him draw me a bath or give me a vanilla back massage after a long day.  I could have him serve drinks while I socialize with a friend.  Or I could bend him over the back of the couch and brutally fuck him without a word.

See, it’s that element of surprise.  He never knows what to expect, and I like that.

30 Days of Kink: Day 27

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities?  If so, how?

Well sure, there’s a lot of overlap there.  One example that immediately comes to mind is that kazander and I are both football fans, and we both love a good bet.  So we’ll make bets on the games, betting certain activities or privileges.  Sometimes it’s difficult to agree on terms, because I could easily just tell him to do whatever I want, and don’t need to win a bet to do it.  But we manage, and it makes things interesting.

When watching favorite TV shows, I’ll occasionally not allow him to fast-forward commercials, and will spend that time edging him or sitting on his face or whatever, instead.  It’s just long enough to frustrate the hell out of him, and then, when the show comes back on, I sit back down to watch it.

Those are just the two examples that come to mind, but there are a lot more.

30 Days of Kink: Day 26

What’s your opinion of online BDSM play?

I don’t have a problem with it in the slightest, in any way, shape, or form.

For some people (particularly inexperienced or curious submissive men, in my personal experience), online relationships offer a degree of anonymity that in-person relationships don’t.  It helps them feel more protected, less vulnerable, while giving them the chance to explore their fantasies and their urges.  There’s no danger of anyone in his RT life finding out.

For others, there’s simply a connection made, either through blogging, or chatrooms, or sites like Fetlife, that’s undeniably intense.  And why not explore it?  Why limit yourself?  Do you know what’ll happen in the future?  Do you know, for a fact, that a relocation could never happen, for any reason?

No, you don’t.  So go for it.  Why the hell not?

Having said that, I will say that online relationships aren’t usually my thing.  There have been exceptions, obviously, but it’s not something I actively seek out.  But if it’s something you’re into, or you happen to find yourself in one, then great!  Have fun.

30 Days of Kink: Day 25

How open are you about your kinks?

Not as open as I’d like to be.

But then again, I’ve never really been able to be as open as I’d like to be.

Now, for example, we live very close to kazander’s family and interact with them daily.  I really, really don’t want to deal with the fallout of them discovering what we do behind closed doors.  And we’ve also got the kid.  Now, I’m all for being honest with kids, and the mindset that they can grow up and adjust to pretty much any lifestyle.  I’ve known people who grew up with poly houses, with Femdom or Maledom, nudists, all kinds of “alternative lifestyles.”

There’s no difference.

But she is four.  And it’s really important that she have a strong, assertive father.  So we downplay the dynamic quite a bit around her, and will continue to do so until she’s much, much older.

And also, I know that a lot of submissive men are very private about their orientation.  They are very uncomfortable with the idea of anyone finding out.  And I get that.  I understand it.  I don’t love it, but I get it.

In fact, I’ve only ever had one boy who was open about his desire to submit, and had no problem with his friends or anyone in his life knowing.  When someone would ask him about it, ask if he was submissive, he’d just nod and gesture to me and say, “To her.”

Occasionally, people (especially other men) would have questions.  And sometimes, depending on who it was, how they asked, and his mood, he would entertain the questions.  Other times, he’d just shrug and say something like, “The details of my sex life aren’t really your business.”

And it was fucking awesome.  It was amazing, being able to be so open, and not having to censor myself around certain people.  Granted, I didn’t go around shouting it from the rooftops, but I didn’t have to keep it a secret.  It felt incredible, freeing.

Now, obviously, his situation was unique.  There are plenty of men who would be faced with legitimate, far-reaching problems, both personally and professionally, if it came out.  And while I miss that openness, and wish I could have it again, I certainly don’t resent the need for secrecy now.

Most of my vanilla friends know, and of course I have my Domme friends, but that’s it.  I’m not open about it to anyone else.

30 Days of Kink: Day 24

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Well, it goes without saying that any partner I enter into a relationship with has to be a submissive or slave.  I may accept a switch, depending on the situation and the person in question.  But no, I will never consider a real, long-term, romantic relationship with anyone who isn’t a sub or slave.  And I also need a boy who wants to be submissive more than “just in the bedroom.”  It’s not something I do when I’m horny.  It’s something I want 24/7.  And any boy who enters into a relationship with me needs to be comfortable with that.

Now, hold on a minute.  That doesn’t mean that I expect my boys to crawl on all fours and kiss my feet at the mall, or that our dynamic has to be “obvious” when out in public.  I’m not going to “out” my boys to their friends, families, or coworkers.  The muggles won’t suspect a thing.  Other D/s people likely will, but vanilla people won’t.

Along with a strong desire to submit, I need a sense of humor.  Anyone with a mastery of laconic wit immediately has a leg up on the competition.  But dry, understated, sarcastic humor is awesome.  I adore it.

Kinks can be negotiated, but it definitely helps to have a bunch in common.  And, for that matter, the same could be said for vanilla hobbies and interests.  I don’t want a kinky booty call, I want a complete relationship.  That means that we will spend time together doing vanilla things.  I want someone I can get along with, a good conversationalist, an engaging personality, someone that I genuinely enjoy spending time with, regardless of the setting.

Intelligence is important, as well.  I want someone I can talk to about anything, debate politics/religion, astronomy and cosmology, anthropology and archaeology, or whatever we may share an interest in.  I want to be able to have deep conversations with someone who is at my level of intellect (or higher).

I need someone who has a strong sense of self-worth.  I value my boys and expect them to value themselves.  I want them to be confident in who they are, to have the strength to approach me with concerns, worries, needs, etc.  I’ve had quite a few boys through the years who wouldn’t tell me anything was wrong, because they were too afraid of confrontation, too afraid that I’d be angry for whatever reason, too afraid that I’d punish them for speaking out of turn.

It’s exhausting, knowing your sub well enough to know that something is wrong, but pulling teeth to get any kind of response out of them.

Fuck that noise.  Know your worth.  Respect yourself.  Show me that you’re worthy of my respect.  Because I refuse to own anyone I can’t respect as my partner, my submissive, and as a man.

30 Days of Kink: Day 23

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?


…………………  Seriously?

Okay, first of all, I have to ask.  I just have to ask.

Am I the only one who was always kinky?  Did everyone else discover it when they were older?  Like, how does that work?  How do you discover that you’re submissive, or Dominant?  Seriously, I’m genuinely curious and want to know.  If you didn’t discover you were submissive or Dominant until adulthood, and are fine with extremely personal questions, email me.  I want to pick your brain.

So, for the sake of this question, we’ll start with when I entered the world of kink, at 16.  You’ve already seen from before that earlier than that, I was pretty irresponsible and wildly unethical, and had no fucking clue what I was doing.  And while, yes, fingering a reluctant boy was hot, it was pretty obvious that I had no business having that kind of power over someone else at 15 fucking years old.  I was an idiot.

Hell, even after I met my mentor, I was an idiot.  I was still a teenage girl, after all.  And I loved sex.  Seriously, it shocks me to this day that I got out of high school without getting pregnant or contracting a disease.  I was promiscuous as hell, and I don’t know, I probably would have even tried to fuck my mentor if we’d had that kind of relationship (for the record, because I’ve been asked this six million times, no, I never fucked him.  No, I never touched him sexually.  No, he never touched me sexually.  It wasn’t like that, and don’t fuck with his memory by entertaining that thought.  It’s disgusting).

So we’ve established that I was young, stupid, and ignorant when I entered kink.  Have my interests and perceptions changed since then?

I sure fucking hope so.