Cultivating a Dominant Presence

Anyone can put on a corset and leather mini skirt.  Anyone can tie her hair up in a severe bun and draw on black eyeliner.  Anyone can wear thigh-high boots and swing a flogger.

Any woman can put on the costume.  But what makes someone a Dominant?

In a word: Presence.

A Dominant has to be able to command respect, embody authority, and basically intimidate the hell out of everyone when she wants to.

sexy woman

Command respect, convey power, exude authority

I remember the first time I met my mentor.

I’d seen pictures of him, of course, but it was entirely different meeting him in person.  When he walked through the door, everyone in the building noticed.

It was like in those movies where the main character’s crush walks in to the party, and everyone just stops.  Time seems to move in slow motion as all eyes turn to the door.

That’s the way my mentor was.  He didn’t just have confidence; he had presence.

And it was intimidating as hell.

I knew immediately that’s what I wanted to be.

I wanted to be able to command a room like he could.  I wanted to be the one that made time slow down.

I had no idea how to be like that.  I had some major self esteem issues as a teenager, and when I looked at this confident, charismatic, knowledgeable, secure, self-assured man, I was 100% sure I could never hold a candle to that.

Who he was as a Dominant and a person was so far above and beyond who I was, it was like we weren’t even the same species.  I couldn’t imagine that I would ever be in the bracket as him.

Turns out, I was wrong.

Charisma isn’t something you’re born with, guys.  It’s not something you either have or you don’t.  And it’s not something you have to be a supermodel or a bodybuilder or a celebrity to have.

Anyone can master the skill.

And if you want to be a Dominant, you have to learn it.  It’s so much more important than the clothes or the dungeon or the toys.

It’s the difference between something you do and something you are.

But it can be difficult for someone who is new to the scene, who may not be naturally charismatic.

I heard a woman named Olivia Fox Cabane talk about charisma, using Marilyn Monroe as an example.

Everyone knows who Marilyn Monroe was.  She became the most iconic sex symbol and a powerful role model for women, so much so that she’s still a relevant figure, 50 years after her death.  She was a sex-positive, body-positive icon for women.

Many thought that her career was over when it was discovered that she’d posed nude before becoming an actress.  In the 50s, that was pretty much an instant career-killer.

But not for her.  It skyrocketed her career, and when she became frustrated with the sexist and misogynistic practices in Hollywood, she founded her own production company.

There are a handful of people in every generation who have truly mastered the art of charisma.  She was one of those people.

Ms. Cabane related a story told by a photographer who accompanied Marilyn one day.  Marilyn’s goal was to show the true power of charisma.  She wanted to illustrate to the photographer what her “secret” was, how she had harnessed this real-life superpower, and used it to propel her forward.

What Marilyn wanted to show was that just by deciding to, she could either be glamorous Miss Monroe or plain Norma Jean Baker (her real name).  On the subway, she was Norma Jean, but when she resurfaced on to the busy New York sidewalks, she decided to turn into Marilyn.  So she looked around and she teasingly asked the photographer, “So, do you want to see her?  The Marilyn?”  And then, he said, there were no grand gestures, she just fluffed up her hair and struck a pose.  And yet, with this simple shift, she suddenly became magnetic.  An aura of magic seemed to ripple out from her and everything stopped.  Time stood still, as did the people around her, who stared in amazement as they suddenly recognized a star standing in their midst.

No one bothered her or recognized her on the subway.  She was just one of many attractive young women in a big city.  There was nothing special about her.

But then, all she had to do was turn on that light inside of her.  A subtle change in presence, in posture, in expression, and everyone within sight of her noticed her.  She became that character in the movies who walks into the party, and even the photographer, who had spent the entire day with her, was awed by her presence.

That’s what charisma is.  That’s what it means.  And that’s just how important it is.

And no, it’s not reserved for the young, the beautiful, the rich, the famous.  Everyday people like you and me are capable of it.

Which begs the question, how?

I’ll probably write more on this subject, but the first step is the biggest, and that’s what this post is about.

The first thing to do is feel good about yourself.  And you don’t have to be a size-6, 22-year-old supermodel to feel good about yourself.

Feeling good about what you see in the mirror has laughably little to do with what you actually look like.

Everyone is eventually going to get old, everyone’s body is eventually going to decline.  That 22-year-old supermodel is going to wake up one day and see stretch marks, flabby arms, and sagging tits looking back at her in the mirror.

And then what?

If her self image is wrapped up exclusively in how she looks, her self image will decline as her body does.

You don’t want that.

It’s not about your appearance.  It’s about training your brain to focus on your best attributes, while glossing over the less-than-perfect ones.

As it is, most of our brains do the opposite.  It’s just a matter of turning that around.

Think of the brain like a muscle.  The more you train it to take certain pathways, the stronger those pathways get, and the more your brain wants to take those pathways naturally.

A tool that worked for me in the beginning was to use my clothes and makeup.  I spent hours and hours poring over fashion and makeup tutorials, learning how to accentuate the positives and minimize the negatives.  I probably know more about fashion now than I do about cars.

And I know how to make that knowledge work for me.

When I’ve got the right bra, the right low-cut top, and the right butt-hugging jeans, it’s hard not to like what I see in the mirror.

When I like what I see, other people notice.

I’ve been asked what my “secret” is, how I’m able to carry a room or talk someone into doing what I want, how I’m able to intimidate or allure, without saying a word.

But there’s no secret.  I’m not Heidi Klum.  I’m not some untouchable icon that other women could never hope to be.  I don’t have magic powers.

Guys, I need to stress this:

I’m not a model.  I’m only 3 years away from leaving the “Young Adult” club.  I’m fortunate in how I carry weight, but I’m a BBW.  Objectively, I’m average-looking.

How average?

20180303_0154071427231595.jpg

Please forgive the dirty mirror, my 6yo wanted to “help” me clean today.

This is a typical sleeping outfit for me.  Panties, a tank top, and a sleeping bra (which is just a fancy name for a sports bra that’s a size or two too small, tight enough to keep everything in place while I’m asleep).

You can see that my body isn’t perfect.  You can see the cellulite and the Mexican thighs and the big hips (I have reproduction to thank for that).  Pull up the tank top and you can see stretch marks and a C-section scar.  Pull the bra up and you can see stretch marks on my boobs from when they literally went from a DD to an HH in less than 3 months, then shrank back down to an F.

My BMI puts me in the top 47% of women my age in the country.  Literally the definition of average.  My face is average, too.  My forehead is high, my hair is fine, and my lips are thin.

I’m telling you all of this because it’s so important for people to understand that being magnetic, commanding respect, and exuding authority has nothing to do with the way you look.

There’s nothing special about the way I look.

But when I turn on that light inside me, I’m exemplary.

And people notice.

20170330_021147

As I said, exemplary.  And I’m actually about 15 pounds heavier in this picture, originally published in an older post.

And it’s not because I’m prettier or younger or thinner or smarter than anyone else.  It’s not because I’m a low-key superhero with magic powers.

It’s because I know how to use charisma.  And I know how to use it because I learned how.  It’s not something I was born with.  It’s not something that came naturally to me.

But I learned it.  And the first step was learning how to feel good the way I looked.  It wasn’t about waiting until the way I looked made me happy, it was about becoming happy with the way I looked.

Everything else comes from that.  Every charismatic and magnetic person started with that.  With feeling good about what they look like and who they are (this post focuses specifically on physical appearance, but feeling good about yourself as a person is just as important).

Feeling good about yourself means that other people are inclined to feel good about you.  And if you’re an average-looking person who knows what it feels like to be ignored and shrugged off, you genuinely appreciate the attention.  And when you genuinely appreciate the attention, you’re warm and friendly.

And when you’re warm and friendly, you’re likeable.  When you’re likeable, even more people take notice.

It’s a snowball effect that only gets bigger and bigger once it starts.

So how to start it?

It starts with putting on a nice outfit, looking in the mirror, and thinking, “You know, that’s not half bad.”

Do that often enough, for long enough, and it turns into, “Damn, that’s actually pretty good.”

And then, almost overnight, you find yourself commanding the respect and attention of everyone around you.

International Sex Workers’ Rights Day

workers-rights-are-human-rights

So March 3rd is International Sex Workers’ Rights Day.

I am not currently a sex worker, but I have been in the past, and there’s always the possibility I could be again.  I rather enjoyed my work.

Of course, there was the occasional client I had no interest in or the occasional fetish I had to pretend I liked, but I’d say I thoroughly enjoyed myself 75% of the time.

And think of your day job.  How many people can say they legitimately enjoy their jobs 75% of the time?

It’s fewer people than you think.

Sex work is work.

It’s a legitimate form of income for those who choose it.

But today, the biggest enemies of sex workers are not the old, rich, white men running our government.

They’re the “feminists” who claim that it’s demeaning.  The sex-worker exclusionary radical feminists, or SWERFs.

These angry, bitter women criminalize all human sexuality, but particularly male sexuality.  And they belittle and objectify the women who choose to embrace their own sexuality and celebrate male sexuality.

Just today, actually, SWERFs called me, and the other sex workers participating in the discussion, rented wet spots, disposable merchandise, and objects to be bought and sold.

But men are the ones who demean us.  Gotcha.

The fact that this archaic view of sexuality still exists in 2018 is disturbing.  It makes a habit of removing women’s agency and ability to decide for themselves.

If a woman doesn’t want to be a sex worker, she shouldn’t have to be.  If she’s forced into it against her will, it’s trafficking and rape, and every woman needs to be protected from that.

But this line of logic that equates good, decent, law-abiding citizens engaging in a mutually beneficial and consensual arrangement with rapists and criminals always confuses me.

I’m not a damsel in distress.

I don’t need saving.  There does not exist a man alive that intimidates or scares me.  I’ve had a knife pulled on me, I’ve had a gun pointed at me (turns out it wasn’t loaded, but I didn’t know that at the time), I’ve spent time with a convicted rapist (who insists he didn’t do it, but I sorta think he did) and a convicted murder (who insists he didn’t do it, and I sorta think he didn’t).  I’ve been raped, I’ve been threatened, I’ve been stalked, I’ve been harassed, I’ve been sexually assaulted, I’ve been mugged, I’ve been beaten.

I’ve been at the mercy of men who wanted to break me.  And every single one of them failed.

I don’t need your help.  I don’t need you to protect me from something you’ve decided I need protecting from.  There was a while where I had an issue with mentally freezing when I was out alone with my daughter, but even that wasn’t so much fear as, “What’s going to happen to her if something happens to me?”

That was an unacceptable reaction for me, and not doing anything about it wasn’t an option, so I fixed it.  I didn’t need a knight in shining armor or a misandrist SWERF to come in a rescue me.  I just needed the tools to figure out how to do it myself.

Bitch, I don’t need your help.  I will never need your help.

Not Your Rescue Project.jpeg

Sex work is not sex slavery.

Sex trafficking is deplorable, and heinous, and tragic, and disgusting.  The women and children who are forced or coerced into these situations desperately need help.

And we need to help them.  Sex workers hate trafficking just as much as anyone else.  We want to stop trafficking just as much as anyone else.  The idea of a woman or child being forced into it turns my stomach.  These are human beings, but they have been dehumanized and turned into commodities.

Those who insist on putting me in the same category as the women who have been kidnapped, sold, tortured, raped, and murdered is offensive, not just to me and the men I’ve consensually provided a service for, but for those victims.

Equating sex work with sex trafficking trivializes and demeans what those women go through.  The absolute, utter hell that those women endure.  I’ve been raped, I know what that feels like, and nothing infuriates me more than people who trivialize and disrespect the people who have to live that, day in and day out, until they are killed (sex trafficking victims don’t die of old age, y’all).

And anyone who equates consensual sex work with something as heinous as trafficking immediately loses all respect from me.  It’s a repugnant and disgusting mindset, and I pray to God that those people never reproduce.

Because you just can’t help someone who is that shitty of a human being.

Prostitution has a noble and rich history.

It is literally the oldest human profession.  And while I know that prostitutes in different cultures have been widely respected, the culture I know the most about is the American West, where I live.

The American West very literally owes its fucking existence to prostitutes.

I’m serious, you guys.  That’s not an exaggeration.  It’s literally the truth.

What happened is that men came out here to be miners, ranchers, etc.  They set up their little tents and lived off the land.  And in places like Nevada and much of California, the land wasn’t easy to live off of.

The prostitutes followed, looking for work.  They saw these little shanty towns and said, “Fuck everything about that.”

In many towns, the absolute richest residents were prostitutes.  And brothels were not run by men, but by women.

Prostitutes were the ones who paid to have schools and hospitals built.  They supported and backed the politicians who did their bidding.  They influenced western American culture more than any single group since the dawn of the nation.

And they were widely respected.

A well-known Nevada prostitute was Julia Bulette, who was the first white woman to live in Virginia City, NV.  She was easily the most respected and widely-loved person in the town.  She was educated, intelligent, witty, and charming, a tall and slender brunette with expressive dark eyes.

She had a soft spot for miners, and for firefighters in particular.  When miners became ill after drinking contaminated water, she opened her home to them and worked tirelessly to nurse them back to health.  They called her an angel of mercy, and one miner described her as “having caressed Sun Mountain with a gentle touch of splendor.”

Indescribably wealthy, she donated vast sums to the firefighters for new equipment and training to keep them safe (in fact, she donated so much of her wealth to the town, she drove herself to debt).  She also personally worked the water pump when it was needed.

She became an honorary firefighter, and on July 4, 1861, she was named Queen of the Independence Day parade.

She was murdered inside her home, and the entire city shut down to mourn her, and her funeral was attended by thousands.

A year later, a drifter was charged and convicted of her murder, and hanged.  His execution was witnessed by the entire town, including the notable Mark Twain.

She was a feminist icon and she remains so, 150 years after her death.  She is a beautiful example of what a woman can do, even in a society specifically designed to oppress women.

When women were granted the right to vote, 13 western states simply laughed.  Women had been voting there for decades.  Wyoming in particular refused to join the Union unless Wyoming women could retain their right to vote.  They also boast the first female governor.

Montana appointed the first female to the US House of Representatives before the 19th Amendment was passed.  Kansas boasts the first woman mayor of an American town.

And why do you think women in these western states were treated so much better than their eastern and southern countrywomen?

Because of prostitutes, y’all.

Because tiny little shanty mining towns were fine for the men who lived there, but the women wanted more.  They made the little desert towns habitable.  They created a society that would not have existed without them.

If you live in the west of the Mississippi River, chances are, you owe your very existence to prostitutes.  They were powerful, they were rich, they were influential, they were respected.

It wasn’t until the criminalization of prostitution that it began being seen as something oppressive.

Of course, prostitution was dangerous, as evidenced by Julia Bulette (although it’s unclear whether her profession had a direct influence on her death.  Although her profession was why she become such a prominent figure, and her prominence definitely made her a target).

Prostitutes died in childbirth, they died of disease, and not all of them were rich.  It was a dangerous job, not for the faint of heart.  It could paint huge targets on the backs of women.  It wasn’t an easy life.

But it’s a life that western pioneers chose.

The criminalization of prostitution saw the rise of pimps and people who coerced women into the profession.  Because illegal, unsanctioned, unsupervised, unprotected acts drew a large number of undesirables, and women found themselves needing large male protectors to keep them safe.  Those large male protectors then began taking advantage of women, and gave rise to the modern pimp.

We see the difference in the practice of illegal prostitution vs legal prostitution even now.  In places where it is legal, like parts of Nevada, brothels are managed, supervised, and regulated.  While in places where it is illegal, you see private gangsters as pimps, who will beat and rape their girls if they don’t make enough money.

Of course, there are problems in brothels, too.  You hear stories of women being coerced into having sex with friends of the brothel owner, or being coerced into doing things they don’t want to do.

Because where can they go for help?

What can be done if they report it?  Who would support them?

The criminalization of prostitution has harmed the women who choose it as their profession, and it has harmed countless women who have been forced into it against their will.

And all because sexuality has become something dark and shameful in the eyes of so many people.

Men who choose to pay women are seen as misogynists, and women who choose to provide a service for a fee are seen as brainwashed victims.  The agency and ability of these women to consent to what they want, to do what they wish with their bodies, has been removed.

Sex is the only thing that can be given away for free, but not sold.  How dumb is that?

Sex work isn’t for everyone.  And no one who doesn’t want it should ever be coerced or forced into it.  But for those who want it, for those who choose it, they should have the right to do what they want with their bodies.

Sexuality is a beautiful thing.  Even sex that we see as “dark” or “depraved” is beautiful.  It can bring people closer together.  It has legitimate, measurable health benefits.  And for those of us who choose it, it’s really a hell of a lot of fun.

But Jen, sex work doesn’t empower women.

First of all, find me a sex worker who feels that way.

Secondly, why does it have to be empowering?

Does being a mailman empower you, as a woman?  Does being a hairstylist or cashier or waitress or babysitter empower you, as a woman?

Chances are, no.  And no one fucking cares.  When I drove truck, no one ever asked me if I felt empowered by my career.

But sex workers get asked that all. the. fucking. time.

I personally found it empowering, because I was working full time and still couldn’t pay my bills.

I could make my own hours, set my own rules, choose who I decided to have sessions with, and designate the boundaries and rules that my clients were expected to follow.

Not a single client ever disrespected me or tried to cross a boundary.  And I could pay my bills, and I had some financial breathing room that my day job didn’t provide.  In a town with a 10% unemployment rate, I was highly sought after and had clients who would drive two hours or more, just to spend $200 for two hours of my time.

But Jen, the legalization of sex work has increased sex trafficking.

No, it really hasn’t.

You’re thinking of a 2012 “study” that defines trafficking as anyone who crosses a national boundary and then engages in sex work.

To use US states, if prostitution is criminalized in Utah and legalized in Nevada, is it really that much of a stretch to think that the women who engage in illegal sex work in Utah will relocate to Nevada, where they can do it legally?

What a shock that “sex trafficking” increases.

When you use a realistic definition, like “women and children being forced or coerced into sex work,” you find that the legalization of sex work greatly diminishes sex trafficking in that area.

See New Zealand and New South Wales.

But Jen, so many misogynists demean women through sex work.

Yeah, and how many of those are women?

There will always be assholes.  Some of those assholes will be men, and some of them will refuse to respect a woman who engages in sex work.  I’m not even a sex worker now, and my Facebook inbox is full of men who are insulted that their wishes to engage in a paid cam session with me went ignored.

They feel that because I’m a Dominant, and because I’m on Facebook, I must be a professional, and if I’m a professional, I must drop everything when they snap their fingers, to go and worship their penises.

This is not new, you guys.  There will always be assholes.  Decriminalizing prostitution will not solve the asshole-human problem.

No sane or reasonable person is looking at the decriminalization of sex work as a solution to that problem.

The bottom line?

The only experts on sex work are sex workers.

The only people whose opinions about sex work matter are sex workers.  The only people who have the power to decide what to do with their bodies are the owners of those bodies.

The only people who have the right to dictate what sex work should be are the people who do it.

Are you a sex worker?  No?

Then shut the hell up.

 

“My husband asked me to put him in chastity. Help!”

Okay, first of all, relax.  Take a breath.

Your husband isn’t a pervert, he isn’t a freak.  He’s not sick.

He’s also not the only one.

In fact, of the top 10 search terms that lead people to this blog, numbers 4, 6, and 7 are all about male chastity specifically.  This is more common than you think.

But, for all the wonders that the internet brings to our lives, it can also be overwhelming, and most of what you will find online is porn that may or may not be a tad off-putting to someone unfamiliar with the fetish.  Of the advice out there, most is geared toward the husband, or geared toward a woman who already wants it.

And, yeah, I’m guilty of that, too.

If you google “My husband wants me to put him in chastity,” you’ll get something that looks a little like this:

Screenshot (3)

A Yahoo Answers thread, a Reddit thread, a blog post that reads suspiciously like fiction (although I could very well be wrong, I’m sure as hell in no place to judge the content of someone else’s blog), and my post detailing a strategy for a gung-ho wife and reluctant husband.

But what, really, is out there for an unsure, inexperienced, or reluctant wife?  When your husband approaches you with something like this, something you might not have even ever heard of, the internet can sometimes do more harm than good.

So what to do?

Again, relax.  There’s nothing wrong with him for wanting it, and there’s nothing wrong with you for being unsure.

For as progressive as we like to pretend we are, we’re really not a very sex-positive species.  Even within close, intimate marriages, talking about sex can be taboo, uncomfortable, or awkward.  And when sexual desires fall outside the realm of what we assume to be mainstream, that gets even more uncomfortable.

So take a minute and give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s different from everything you know.  It’s okay to be a little freaked out.

But at the same time, there is something you must understand, regardless of what happens from here on out.

I was a professional Dominatrix.  I’ve also been a professional keyholder and a financial Dominatrix.  Which are all just fancy words for men paying me to engage in various BDSM-related activities with them.

And would you like to know what 90% of my clientele consisted of?

Married men.

Why?  Lots of reasons, and we’ll avoid getting into that here, this will already be long enough.  The point is that coming to you with this took a lot of courage on his part, a lot of trust in you, and a lot of hope that this wouldn’t blow up in his face.  This isn’t something all women are open to, it’s not something all women are accepting of, and many men suffer in silence, or they pay professionals.

He hoped that maybe, just maybe, you might be open to it.  Or at least wouldn’t think any less of him as a man or as your husband.

Imagine if you had a fantasy that many might call “depraved” (…and, just between us girls, you know you do).  Imagine telling him about it, asking him to help you make that fantasy a reality.

What if he judges you?  What if he rejects you?  What if he tells his friends?  Your friends?  God, what if your family finds out?  What if he’s freaked out, or disgusted, or can never look at you the same way again?

Pretty scary to think about, right?  Men are conditioned not to show emotion, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.  That fear, that insecurity, that’s what he felt when he brought this to you.  This is something that he likely wrestled with for months, at the very least.

So take a moment to appreciate the fact that he told you.  Regardless of whether this is something you actually want to do, recognize what it took to bring this to you.  It wasn’t easy, and it’s a pretty strong indicator of how deeply he feels for you.

Also, keep in mind that, as you’re reading this, he’s likely swimming in anxiety, waiting to see what your thoughts are, what you’ll think of this fetish, what you’ll think of him.

So maybe take a quick moment to reassure him that you’re not going to run screaming into the night (… because, just between us, you know you’re not).  And that you’re not going to leave him, or think less of him.  It’ll put his mind at ease while you try to figure out what the hell it is he’s asking you to do.

But that brings us back to the problem at hand: What the hell are you supposed to do?

Chastity, for the newbies out there, is the act of putting a device on the penis, preventing touch and sexual pleasure. The device is locked on, and you, as his wife, would hold the key, and therefore control when (or if) he is allowed sexual pleasure.

There are plenty of blogs run by men in chastity, and I’ll share links to a few down at the bottom of this post.

There are, unfortunately, fewer blogs run by women who put their husbands in chastity full-time (I put my husband in chastity, but it’s on a more part-time basis, and I don’t write about it all that often).  But still, reading some of the blogs run by men will help.  It’s not porn (although they do have the occasional steamy recap of the previous night’s activities), and it’s not spruced up and exaggerated.  It’s just a normal guy writing about his daily life in chastity.

Reading these will help you get an idea of what it’s like.  But don’t read them as gospel (and don’t read this post or my writings about chastity as gospel, either).  There are no hard and fast rules for chastity.  It’s what you want, what works for you.

There are tons of benefits to putting your husband in chastity, and a couple of cons.  So let’s go through them.

Pros:

  • Your sex life will improve
    • “But wait, he’ll be locked up, probably for extended periods of time.  How would that improve our sex life?”  I know, it seems counterintuitive, but trust me, there will be a drastic improvement, and I’ll get to that in a bit.
  • Your bond with improve, and strengthen
    • This is an interesting phenomenon that starts with the physical and erotic, but then moves deeper.  By holding the key to his chastity cage, you control when he can access that part of his body.  You become the sole source of his sexual gratification.  He looks exclusively to you for that pleasure.  It will become habit-forming, and he’ll begin looking to you in other areas of life, as well.  It’ll open up a part of him that he’s never had opened up before.  He won’t become emotionally dependent on you, per se, but he’ll definitely show more vulnerability, and won’t feel the need to hide behind that veil of stoicism that so many men hold up as their mask.
  • Doing something “taboo,” or “forbidden,” is exciting
    • Regardless of how old you are, there’s nothing quite like doing something “naughty” to make you feel like a couple of teenagers.  I still occasionally have that feeling, and I’m 32.  I wrote about one time in particular here on the blog.  You feel young, you feel energetic, you feel legitimately excited and enthusiastic.  It adds a new level of fun to your sex life.
  • He’ll become a better husband
    • This one is a bit harder to quantify, but it’s pretty damn consistent with everyone I’ve ever known, who has put their husband in chastity.  He starts thinking about you more, and differently, than he did.  How this manifests depends on your husband and your relationship.  He may start leaving quick, romantic notes for you in the mornings before he goes to work.  He may start doing more little things around the house.  He may bring you flowers on a random Tuesday.  If you’re busy or sick, he may stop on his way home and pick up your favorite carry-out, so you don’t have to cook.  The level of thoughtfulness increases.  And all husbands want to be able to make their wives happy, but far fewer really understand how to do that.  I’d say his level of understanding regarding your needs and desires increases.  He’ll be more in tune with you, and more confident in his ability to make you happy.
  • You’ll become a better wife
    • Of course, we must remember that, even though you hold all the control, this is still a relationship.  He has needs and desires of his own, and it’s your responsibility to make sure he’s happy within the relationship.  But when he starts doing those things I mentioned before, when he feels more in tune with what you want and what you’re feeling, you won’t be able to help but reciprocate.  You’ll find yourself wanting to go the extra mile for him, and for your relationship.  And, because he’ll be much more open with you, you’ll have a much better understanding of how to do that.
  • It will improve your communication with each other
    • As I said, talking about sex and fantasies is hard.  It’s awkward, and that level of communication doesn’t come naturally to us.  But by talking through it and working through the awkwardness, you’ll learn how to talk through other uncomfortable subjects, as well.

The most obvious thing at first will be the sex.  Pretty much all guys, when they think of sex, or any sexual activity, have their focus centered on their cocks.  Orgasm is the goal.

Of course, he wants to please you, as well, I’m not implying that he’s not a generous lover, but all of his sexual energy revolves around one place.  It’s the center of his focus.

Removing his ability to access that part of his body will not diminish his sexual energy, or his libido.  But it’ll change his focus. It’ll remove his penis from the equation, unless you specifically decide to add it.

With him in chastity, he’ll need your permission to orgasm, to touch himself, even to get hard.  And it’s likely that he’ll be extremely motivated to please you, however he can, so that you’ll give that permission.  It starts with a sort-of-selfish desire, but as time goes on, he’ll genuinely equate your sexual pleasure with his own.  He’ll genuinely want to please you, even if his penis remains locked up.

Sex won’t be just about his cock, anymore.  He may give you oral sex, or, if you want to be penetrated, but do not want to let him out of the cage, he could use a strap-on.  Sex will be about you.

Which may sound selfish, and this is something a lot of women struggle with.  It seems really selfish to make him give you oral, to satisfy you, but not get any satisfaction of his own.  It may be uncomfortable at first.

But the denial is part of the fetish.  He wants to be denied that pleasure.  It will be supremely frustrating for him, but there’s a switch that gets flipped in his mind, that turns his frustration into something positive.

I have trouble explaining exactly what that switch is, exactly what happens in his mind.  For that, you’ll definitely be better off reading things written by men in chastity.  They’ll be able to explain it better than I could.  But denying him physical pleasure is an integral part of this fetish.

But there are some cons to the fetish, as well, although most of them will affect the wearer, rather than the keyholder.

  • Discomfort
    • Wearing a cage is an adjustment.  He’ll likely be uncomfortable at first.  The cage prevents erection, and as it turns out, when a man’s body attempts to get hard, but is prevented from that by a chastity device, it causes pain.
  • Discretion
    • Most cages designed for long-term wear are created in a way that makes them impossible to detect under clothing.  But even with that, there are certain situations that might be complicated by the cage (urinals in public bathrooms, for example).
  • Hygiene
    • Maintaining hygiene with the cage can be tedious and time-consuming.  This is something you’ll definitely want to keep in mind when choosing a cage, and definitely look through blogs written by men in chastity, to find the pros and cons of specific kinds of cages.  Some are much easier to deal with, hygiene-wise, than others.
  • The way you relate to each other will change
    • Make no mistake, this will change your relationship pretty drastically.  While, in my personal opinion, the changes are all positive, change can still be frightening and uncomfortable.

So I mean, it’s something that requires some thought before just jumping in.

Still, it could be a lot of fun.  Which brings us back to the original question: What the hell do you do?  Is this even something you want to do?

My advice?  Try it out before making any decisions.

The first thing you need to do is buy a chastity cage.  It’s pretty likely your husband may already have one in mind (he may even already own one).  But get it.

And start with just a day.  Make it a day when both of you are free.  No kids, no work, no pressing errands, nothing to do.  Lock the cage on him as soon as you get up in the morning, and tell him that you won’t take the cage off until that night.

Then, just make a game of it.  You could wear your favorite lingerie and strut around the house, teasing him.  You could make him give you oral repeatedly throughout the day.  You could make him give you a massage, or cuddle together on the couch and watch TV, or anything you want.  It’s supposed to be fun.

And at the end of the day, after you’ve had a few good orgasms, you can unlock him and have some mind-blowing sex.

Try that once or twice.  If you like it, try keeping the cage on for longer.  Make him wear it for a full weekend.  Or a week.  And be assertive.  Hold him to the time you agreed on, even if he wants to take it off halfway through (which is entirely possible in the beginning).  Be his boss, embrace the position of power that he wants you to take.

Part of the denial aspect of this fetish is genuinely wanting to be let out, wanting to orgasm, and being legitimately denied that ability.  So don’t be afraid to tell him no if he wants out.  Have fun with that, too.

It’ll likely be very empowering for you, and it’ll bring the two of you closer together.  Even if you’re nervous at first, I definitely recommend giving it a try.

And, as promised, here are some links to blogs written by men in chastity.  They’re all very well-written and informative, and should be able to provide more insight to daily life with a chaste husband.

Denying Thumper

Steeled Snake

Thrill of the Chaste

The Chaste Cyclist

Male Chastity Journal

Going their own way

I got this comment on my Entitlement and Liberation post:

Ok but you completely ignored the underlying issue. Society and laws today favor women in virtually every way. Why do you think so many men are going MGTOW? Its because we’re tired of being taken advantage of and finally decided we’ve had enough. Its becoming clearer and clearer that feminism isn’t about equality but superiority and holding men down. Your own relationships are proof of that because you refuse to have an equal relationship. you have to be the one in charge. Its either your way or the highway. Just goes to show that women only want to take advantage of men.

Okay, MGTOW?  What is that?  Let me do a quick Google search.

… 7 hours later…

Well… Ho… ly… shit.

hairless-rabbit

So MGTOW stands for Men Going Their Own Way, which is a philosophy in which men have sworn off all interaction with women, or romantic relationships with women, or legal relationships with women.  In many cases, this is accompanied by an impressive amount of anger and misogyny.

Like, legitimately impressive.

c6e184c37df932d599fc1db174c7c7b2c8caf5400bc6b13d6865c1393f7b3122

And like, I can’t even be offended.  You ever get that feeling when someone’s hostility is so extreme, it’s almost cartoonish, and impossible for you to take it personally?  Yeah, it’s like that.

I’m actually a bit confused, though (must be my inferior woman brain).  Because the hostile, angry, bitter MGTOW guys insist that women are inferior in every way, and we only exist to manipulate and take advantage of men.  They’re resentful that women have so much political power, and that so many divorce and family laws favor women.

Right, but if women are inferior, how did we get to a position like this in the first place?  I mean, women are supposedly mindless vagina-holders, and yet we completely took over an entire society, and oppressed and brainwashed entire generations of men?

How?

Some blame “white knights,” or men who defend women in hopes that the women will think favorably of them and have sex with them.

Okay, cool, but the sheer number of white knights would have to be astronomical to enable the kind of power these men say women have.  You’d have to assume a hefty majority of men are white knights, doing the bidding of women who have hypnotized them with their pussies.

So if the majority of men idolize a woman’s vagina to the point that they are incapable of making objective decisions when sex is concerned, and if women discovered this weakness and used it against men, wouldn’t that imply mental superiority?  How could such a cheap, simple form of manipulation be enough to trick a mentally superior being into handing over his power?

And if only a few men are “woke” and have figured out this global manipulation conspiracy, wouldn’t it mean that men, taken as a whole, are too stupid (ie, mentally inferior) to realize they’re being manipulated, and the handful of MGTOW guys are the exception to the rule?

I mean, that just doesn’t make sense to me.

But to be fair, not every MGTOW is a hostile misogynist.  They’ve simply sworn off romantic and/or legal relationships with women, on the basis that women are only interested in a man’s money or social status, and even if she’s not, divorce laws and family laws favor women so heavily, a divorce means that she’s going to get everything.  They also quote the fact that women initiate divorce more often than men do (they like to conveniently miss the parts that explain why that is).

Often, these men have been screwed over and had their lives completely turned upside-down by an ugly divorce, may have lost custody of their children, or been the victim of a gold-digger or hypergamist looking to take advantage of his position.  Having been burned once, they decide to turn away from any sort of relationships, with varying degrees and of hostility and/or misogyny (and some have neither hostility nor misogyny.  They claim that it’s not necessarily women that they’re swearing off, just the laws that favor them).

Which sucks, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want to trivialize what those men went through in any way.

But sorry, any guy who buys into that MGTOW crap is a complete coward, and really just a weak man.

Why do I think he’s a pathetic loser, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you.

I’m not even going to address the misogyny, it’s pretty obvious what those guys’ problem is.  A sexist asshole is a sexist asshole.

But the main theme of the MGTOW movement is financial.  These men are frustrated because they’ve lost half (or more) of their wealth, or are forced to pay child support for kids they never get to see, or are forced to pay alimony to a woman who decided she didn’t want to remain married to him.

Cool.  But just real quick buddy, what do you think marriage is?  You think financially supporting her in exchange for sex whenever you want it is a fair trade?  Ever wonder why women initiate 70% of divorces?

You think it’s a coincidence that a slim majority of married women feel oppressed, stifled, or ignored in their marriages?

You’re putting more value on material things than on less tangible contributions, where women tend not to think that way.  You’re used to an old and obsolete view of marriage, where the man is in charge and the woman does what she’s told, and that’s not enough for women anymore.

They want emotional intimacy.  They want to feel valued.  They want to feel like you love them and are just as attracted to them now, that they’re yours, as you did while you were dating.  They feel like they were just a conquest for you.  You were nice and sweet and romantic while you were dating, because you were actively pursuing her.  But now that you’ve caught her, there’s no hunt anymore.  There’s no challenge.  So you end up ignoring her.

And dealing with emotional shit is hard, right?  It’s way easier hanging out with your buddies and tuning her out when she starts to talk.

Here’s a thing:

FB_IMG_1505683678173

No, but it’s all about the money, right?  That’s the only viable reason to get married.  And if you make more than your wife does, she should shut up and be grateful that you’re doing that for her, and stop expecting ridiculous things like companionship.  You measure satisfaction by how much shiny crap you give her.  If you give her a lot of shiny shit, she should be completely happy and content forever, regardless of how you actually treat her.

Yeah, that’s healthy.

And your unhealthy obsession with material things continues even after your divorce, in your resentment of having lost half your stuff, while ignoring how unhappy she was and refusing to take responsibility for the fact that you neglected her.  Literally all you care about is the wealth.  You thought you could buy her happiness, you thought fulfillment only comes from a bank account, you ignored her every time she told you she was unhappy, and then you got all shocked when suddenly she resented you for it?

Not cool, bro.  Yeah, I’d divorce your selfish, materialistic, narcissistic ass, too.  I’m not a spiteful person, but fuck with me like that for long enough, and I might just be persuaded to fuck with you right back.

But, to be fair, I do have to concede that some women are, in fact, spiteful, manipulative, gold-digging bitches.  Some women do just want to sit at home and be a trophy wife while their husbands work to support them, and then want to take half of the husband’s shit in the divorce.  Some women do take advantage of our fucked up parental laws, and use them to take his kids away and keep him from seeing them, while spending the child support on her hair or her clothes.  That’s true,  I’ll give you that.

The operative word there, though, is some.

And that brings us to my primary problem with MGTOW:  I immediately respect someone 99% less when they start making broad, sweeping generalizations about a massive group of people based on the actions of a few.

Here, let me try using some MGTOW logic, and see if I can draw some conclusions of my own:

I was raped twice.  Practically every woman I know, or have ever known, has been raped or assaulted, or harassed, or taken advantage of by a man.  Quite a few rich, powerful, famous men are being accused by multiple women of harassment.  I’ve had two different male bosses try to come on to me.  There are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of women coming forward online with their stories about how men have raped, sexually harassed, or sexually taken advantage of them.

That’s a lot of guys.  Way more than “a few,” so I’m totally not basing my opinion of all men on the actions of just “a few.”  With it being such a common occurrence, it becomes clear that the majority of men are either rapists or harbor desires to rape women.  How else do you explain how prevalent it is?

And it doesn’t stop with sex.  Multiple studies have shown that men do not listen and focus when their wife is talking to them to the same degree they listen and focus on other men.  So they obviously don’t care about women as people, and don’t give women’s words the same weight as other men’s.

When women do come forward or talk about how they’ve been raped or taken advantage of, they’re told to “get over it,” and “not all men do that.”  Men are more defensive of other men, that they’ve literally never met, than they are of the women they know and supposedly care about.

Actually, here’s a good way to put it:

Men are more offended by the fact that I am wary of certain individuals, in certain situations, than they are by the fact that a grown man forced himself inside a little girl, threatening to kill her and rape her sister if she screamed, and another grown man snatched a teenager off the sidewalk in her own neighborhood, beat the hell out of her in the back of his van, cut her clothes off, held her down by her hair and fucked her until she bled, and then when he saw the blood on his dick, he facefucked her, telling her that he wouldn’t let her go until she cleaned it off,  then tossed her back out onto the street with her shredded pants still around her ankles and his baby growing inside her (and my favorite bra was ruined, just by the way.  Which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but y’all don’t understand how hard it was to find good bras when I was 17 and a DD.  Torrid wasn’t a thing back then.  Talk about kicking a girl while she’s down)

But you lost your big fancy house and your wife was mean to you.  Yeah, that sounds terrible.  How in the world did you survive such trauma?

Now, just based on the sheer numbers of women who have had similar experiences, the only logical conclusion is that all men harbor these desires to hurt, rape, or oppress women, and all they want is to take advantage of women, and they’ll do whatever it takes to manipulate a woman into a position where they can force themselves on her.  If men had their way, all women would have their vocal chords removed at birth and be nothing but sex slaves.

And I can totally post links with statistics that prove every single point I made.  So you know it’s true.

And because I was completely screwed over (literally) twice, and had my life turned completely upside down by two different men, no one can blame me for deciding to swear off men completely, for the rest of my life.  No one can blame me for choosing to give those two men, and what they did to me, enough personal power that those experiences have a lifelong effect on me.

Because I am a victim, you see, and I want to continue living life as a victim.  I’m satisfied with that mentality, and see no reason to grow past it.  Those two men haven’t been in my life for more than a decade.  They don’t think about me at all anymore (and one of them is dead), but I have allowed them to have so much power over me, they still influence every decision I make, every opinion I have, every aspect of my life.

And even if I happen to find the rare exception, the rare man who isn’t a rapist, why put myself in a situation like that again?  Why risk having that happen to me a third time?  How can I ever be sure that the guy I decide to date isn’t just pretending to be respectful in an attempt to manipulate me into giving him access to my body?

Nope, it’s better to just swear off men completely and totally isolate myself from half the world, regardless of how impractical that may be.

So what do you think?  Does that sound ridiculous and weak and cowardly and lazy and completely idiotic?  Yeah, I thought so.

Being MGTOW isn’t something to be proud of, dude.  You’re going to let one petty bitch affect you for the rest of your life?  That’s a sign of a victim mentality, and a sign of weakness.

Entitlement and liberation

First, thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in the last couple days.  I’m alright, we were at home when the shooting happened, all of my family and friends are alright.

I received this comment on my last post.

Thanks for this excellent reply.

I think many men -myself included- thought: “So women got the right to vote, the right to have a career, even the right to join the military. And what did we get?

I honestly feel jealous at women for being able to behave both feminine and masculine and being accepted both ways, while men aren’t.

And that’s the reason why many men have chosen toxic hypermasculinity. For women there was a clear idea or direction, what they should become i.e. pursuing the same career paths and hobbies as men did. Men on the other hand lacked a new direction and felt confused and insecure about their identity, so they chose the path of “masculinity at all costs” which gave them a clear cut direction or ideal, even though it had some pretty negative consequences.

Feminists have made a mistake, when they believed, they could just improve womens position completely isolated from men and then neglect mens issues within the patriarchy.

So this begs the question: “What’s the alternative for men?”

I thought maybe it’s time for some sort of “mens liberation” from the outdated ideas of what it means to be a men.

But as for the “How?”, I can only think of two things, where men and society as a whole could work on:

1. Working on mens ability to express and deal with their emotions.

This would be one of the most important points and ease a lot of mens issues, like suicide and violent crime.

2. Improving mens ability to be a father.

However currently the laws on paternity and divorce, as well as the working conditions in many parts of the western world aren’t exactly encouraging men to be a father and spend more time with their children.

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Ambidexter.

I can totally understand where you’re coming from, and agree with most of what you’ve said. But quick thing…

I think many men -myself included- thought: “So women got the right to vote, the right to have a career, even the right to join the military. And what did we get?”

Um, literally all of that?

Why do you think you’re entitled to something for finally treating other human beings as huiman beings?  You don’t deserve a cookie for allowing other humans to be equal to you.

You say we got those rights like we should be grateful.  Like it’s something special to be allowed to vote or serve our country.

… even the right to join the military.

Ho… ly… shit, dude.  That is so not the way to endear yourself to women.

No, we are not grateful for these rights that should have been ours from the dawn of time.  We’re resentful that men of past generations denied them to us for so long.  And we’re pissed that we’re still having to fight for it.

And here’s the thing about men being accepted for expressing themselves in both ways.  I get that you resent that women can do it.  I’d resent it too, if I was a guy.

I mentioned Bill Burr, how he resented women for it.

But ask yourself what’s stopping you from feminine or sensitive behaviors?  Think about that for a minute.  Honestly, what’s stopping you from having the same freedom women do?

Literally nothing but your fear of being made fun of.  That’s fucking it.

No I’m serious, I want you to take a minute and let that sink in.  The only thing stopping Bill Burr in his routine was he was worried about what his friends would think.  He was literally saying that his friends’ opinions were more important than his own mental and physical health.  That the reason men drop dead at 55 is because they’re that worried about what other people think of them.

I’m serious, take a minute and just let that sink in.

Women don’t and didn’t have that same fear.  When women were ridiculed and ostracized, by both men and other women, for things like wearing pants, getting a job, or divorcing an abusive husband, they didn’t care.  Their position of powerlessness conditioned them with the strength to stand up for themselves, despite what society thought of them.

Men as a whole have never had that same struggle.  They’ve never had to fight to be heard, they’ve never had to work to be seen as human.  So they’ve never developed that specific kind of courage.

And you’re right, feminists don’t focus on men’s issues often (although it’s interesting to see reactions on social media when stories of men or boys being raped by women break.  It’s primarily feminists who speak out in support of the victim, while the majority of male commenters say he should’ve enjoyed it. Also, when I posted about female on male abuse, it was exclusively men who argued with me, saying that female on male abuse is impossible, and I’m trivializing female abuse victims).

But here’s the thing: it’s feminism. You don’t get angry at the ASPCA for not doing enough to end world hunger.  You don’t blame the Salvation Army for not doing anything about global warming.

Feminism focuses on feminist issues.  Just like Black Lives Matter focuses on issues that black people face in this country.  And Pinktober, as fucking stupid as it is, focuses on breast cancer.

Does that mean that men have no problems?  Of course not, and I’ve detailed on this blog a number of problems men face that I could never imagine.  Toxic masculinity, lack of resources and support available to male abuse and sexual assault victims, and general attitudes toward men, and the steps they have to take to avoid being seen as a threat are specific examples I’ve spoken about in the last year or so.

That’s a significant problem with the masculinist and feminist crowds.  They’re locked in this battle of who has it worse, and resent each other to the point that trying to make any kind of forward progress on either side is almost impossible.

But they are not mutually exclusive.  I’m a feminist and a masculinist.  Lots of people are.  I think most sane people are.

But expecting feminists to work on men’s issues is unrealistic.  That means I need to bombard Men’s Movement and the National Coalition for Men with hate mail because they’ve done nothing to help women gain affordable access to birth control.

This entitlement that some people feel is genuinely harmful.  I would like to reiterate: women owe men nothing for the rights we have as human beings and as American citizens.  Literally nothing.

We should have always had them.  The fact that we had to fight for them at all really doesn’t paint the male gender in a fantastic light.

Men of the past were fucking idiots and small-minded assholes with tiny egos and were intimidated by women.  You don’t get an award for not being a dick.  It’s just kind of expected.

Just like white people didn’t deserve an award for freeing slaves.  And the fact that so many white people were so against freeing them, they started a war and  were willing to kill American citizens for it, really doesn’t paint us in a fantastic light.

The ones who owned slaves were straight up assholes.  No one gets a cookie for not being an asshole.  My mom’s family is from the south.  My ancestors owned slaves (and on my dad’s side, my grandmother’s first husband was a Nazi.  Fabulous family history).  Do I deserve a medal because I’m not a racist fucktard like my direct ancestors?

No.  It’s just kind of expected of me as a human being.

Also, why does improving women’s position within society (you know, to the point that they are seen as human) threaten men?  Why do we need to compensate men for having basic human rights?  I’m honestly asking, I want to know.  What is it, exactly, that you think we owe you?

As for your question about men’s liberation and encouraging positive relationships with their emotions, I 100% agree with you.  Luckily, things are slowly changing, but it’s still widely looked down on for a man to show any emotion outside of anger.  Men aren’t encouraged to experience and process their emotions.  They’re not encouraged to seek professional help when they need it.

Which is why things like depression go undiagnosed and untreated, and result in men committing suicide three times more than women.

It’s tragic, but the more we talk about it, the more we pound it into people’s heads that men are human, with human brains and human emotions, and they need healthy emotional outlets, because that’s how human brains work, the more society will continue to shift to be more accepting of that.

And ugh, don’t get me started on how badly fathers are shafted when it comes to parental law.  We had our own little minor run-in with that when the spawn was born.

Kazander and I weren’t married.  In the state of Nevada, if the parents are not married, the father must waive his right to a paternity test in order to be acknowledged as the father on the birth certificate.

Naturally, when I found this out, I lost my shit.

Like, are you fucking serious?

So in order for a father to get his parental rights, he has to sign away one of his parental rights.

Kazander actually wasn’t as pissed about it as I was.  He signed the paper, he was put on her birth certificate as her father, and life went on.  And in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t matter.  She’s his kid, beyond a shadow of a doubt.  It was just the principle of the thing, you know?  If I was a guy, and a father, I’d be furious.

That’s a much harder thing to fix than men’s acceptable range of gender expression.  All a guy has to do for gender expression is tell his friends to fuck off.  Fathers’ rights and the way they’re fucked by the legal system doesn’t have a simple answer like that.

Because the reason it got this way in the first place is because child-rearing was traditionally seen as a mother’s job, and men didn’t (and often still don’t) participate much in their kids’ lives.

To quote my daughter when she was… 4, I think, “Daddies don’t keep babies company.  Daddies go to work.  It’s the mommy’s job to keep the baby company.”

Naturally, after this, Kazander and I had a long conversation about how he needs to act once he gets home, and how he needs to play a bigger role in her life.  Because I’ll be damned if she’s going to grow up thinking that’s what a father is.

For the longest time, though, that was the norm.  Fathers just didn’t participate in kids’ lives.

So when the parents split, is the court going to give the kids to an absentee parent who supports them financially, or are they going to give the kids to the more present parent and demand that the father still support them financially?

The answer is an obvious one, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one.  We need to continue changing the way men see fatherhood.  And it’s slowly happening.  Go on Facebook or YouTube and you see tons of adorable viral videos of fathers and their young children.  There’s some good momentum there, but we need to keep it going for a long time before we start seeing changes in the legal system.

Because as men’s rights groups and society as a whole continue to encourage men to take a more active role as fathers, I think it will begin to change the way courts see fathers, as well.

So I think that men are going to continue gaining more and more freedom as time goes on, but we can’t be afraid of talking about it.  And we can’t allow resentment or an “us versus them” mentality to take root.  Men and women are not enemies; feminists and masculinists are not enemies.  We’re simply attacking the same problem from different angles.  And the sooner we can stop competing with one another and start working together, the faster progress will be.

I think the best thing men can do right now, something they can implement in their lives today, that will help combat toxic masculinity, is to simply push themselves to show just a little sensitivity or vulnerability every day.  It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just step a toe out of that comfort zone.

Just one thing a day.  Say the puppy on the street is adorable.  When your coworker gets flowers from her boyfriend, say they look nice.  Tell people that you loved that new sappy romantic movie that came out.  Acknowledge a cloud that looks like a bunny.  I don’t care, something.

And what’ll happen is that, over time, it’ll condition men to develop a better relationship with their own masculinity.  They won’t feel their masculinity threatened by femininity or vulnerability or emotion.

And as a side effect, things like sensitivity and vulnerability will stop being gender-specific traits (they never should have been gender-specific traits in the first place, because again, humans literally don’t work that way).  So men will begin to feel more comfortable and secure in their masculinity, and won’t constantly feel the need to prove how manly they are.

Which will make them happier and healthier all the way around.

Sexism and forced feminization

I received this comment on my Why Idiots are Idiots post:

Dear Jen,

I would really like to know your opinion regarding forced feminization.

You see, forced feminization means that a male submissive is being degraded and humiliated by training and transforming him into a more feminine role and body. Does this imply that the femininity is somehow inferior to masculinity? I’m honestly confused about this.

Also, I find it interesting that there is no counterpart “forced masculinization”, where a maledom for example cuts his subs hair short, binds her breasts back and makes her fix his car.

Alright, I’ll be honest, this isn’t the first time I’ve been asked this question, and of course I’ve seen all the articles and angry blog posts talking about how forced feminization is sexist because it reinforces the idea that feminizing a man makes him less, because femininity is less.  Usually, I just roll my eyes, shake my head, and ignore it.  For many reasons, and I’ll get into a couple here.  However, since you were polite in your comment, I’ll take the time to answer.

But before I get into all that, there’s one thing I want to point out, because this mindset pervades many different kinks and fetishes.

The BBW fetish demeans plus size women. Femdom porn demeans women because it’s unrealistic and puts women in overly sexual outfits.  Being into blondes or Asians or petite women is demeaning because it fetishizes their appearance.  With basically every fetish out there, you have people who say it’s demeaning.

Here’s the thing, though.

I don’t fucking care.

I don’t care whether my fetishes are politically correct or not.  I’m not watching porn or feminizing Jessie for social commentary.  I’m literally just trying to get off.

It’s what I do, in private, with consenting adults, that doesn’t affect anyone else outside of the people right there with me.  It affects literally no one else.

It’s just a fetish.  People have some pretty fucked up ones.  As long as mentally sound adults consent to the fetish and it doesn’t cause unreasonable damage (No, I’m not castrating a man in my living room because he has a castration fetish), who cares?  It’s literally just a fetish.

It’s not like a sexual fetish is going to determine one’s vote.

And sure, maybe the BBW fetish is demeaning.  Maybe the only reason some men have been into me was because they fetishized my body.

But quick, guess who still got off on those guys.  So why do I care?

So that’s the quick answer.  But as far as forced feminization goes, it’s not the right answer.

The seemingly popular idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior is just plain wrong.

Why?

The answer is laughably complicated, and yeah, some of it has origins in toxic masculinity, but mostly it has to do with one’s identity.  My last post touched on the subject of identity, and the brain’s habit of desperately clinging to that identity.

For most men today, masculinity has been put up on this pedestal and heralded as the end-all, be-all of manhood, to the point that anything feminine, any show of sensitivity or softness or vulnerability leaves a man open to ridicule.

It is a massive part of what it means to be a man.  It’s a huge part of manhood as an identity.

And it’s sad, it really is, because it cheapens manhood as a whole.  It makes manhood shallow, nothing more than a collection of behaviors and attitudes current society has deemed masculine.

Back in the day, the epitome of manhood was being considered a gentleman.  And culturally, what was a gentleman?  He was kind, polite, responsible, and protective of those around him, quick to sacrifice his own comfort for the comfort of others.  He took care of his responsibilities, he did what was best for those who depended on him, he had the balls to admit when he needed help, and vulnerability or sensitivity were part of his identity.

A gentleman was not an unfeeling dudebro who could outdrink his buddies.  His identity as a man was not wrapped up in how masculine he was.

Of course, society back then was very, very far from perfect, so don’t think I’m putting that type of man on a pedestal.  I’m simply pointing out that society had a better relationship with masculinity back then.

This hyper masculinity is a relatively recent thing.  I’ve read it speculated that it has to do with the rise of women’s rights and feminism being seen as threatening to men of that time, who in turn clung to their masculinity and created the toxic relationship with it that they then pounded into their sons and grandsons and so on until it became a societal norm, something expected from all men.

Whether that’s true or not isn’t the point.  The point is that we as a culture have developed an extremely unhealthy relationship with masculinity and masculine behaviors.

Obviously that’s the problem with toxic masculinity, and one of the many effects it has had on many men is that it influences their identity greatly.  Masculinity is a huge part of the average guy’s identity.  Whether or not that’s a good or bad thing is a different conversation, trust me, this will be long enough.  The result is still the same.  It’s a big part of who they are.

And what happens when you force someone to give up such a big part of their identity?

It’s uncomfortable, even painful, and, depending on the context, deeply humiliating.

Just as with pretty much anything else, there is a group of people who have fetishized that discomfort and pain, and when performed in a consensual relationship with clearly-defined boundaries and limitations, those people can enjoy the discomfort the same way physical masochists enjoy the pain of being hit.

And it’s true not just with masculinity and femininity, but with anything an individual holds as a major part of their identity.

For example, Kazander and I used to switch for his birthday.  My longtime readers are very much aware of how much I dreaded and disliked it, how unnatural and uncomfortable it was for me, how it took days to literally shut off portions of my personality, and even that wasn’t enough to make me a “good” sub.  And yes, it was often humiliating.  Unfortunately for him (and me), I don’t fetishize receiving that humiliation, and it annoyed me more than anything else.

It was humiliating because my Dominance is such an integral part of who I am, and switching runs so deeply counter to that, it was a constant struggle for me.

But does the fact that I found it humiliating mean that I see submission as inferior to Dominance?  No.

For example, you don’t have to be a longtime reader to know how much I respect and admire Jessie.  And as it happens, I asked him how he would feel about switching.

20170928_005612

Needless to say, he was not a fan of the idea.  It would be so deeply uncomfortable for him, he wouldn’t be able to enjoy it.  Because that is far outside the boundaries and limitations of what becomes fetishized in his brain.

Because that’s just not who he is.  That’s not how he relates to someone in a sexual capacity.  That’s not how he and I relate to each other.

Trying to force him to be my Dominant in a session would be far more uncomfortable than putting him in a dress, or even forcing him to take a man’s cock in his ass.  The fact that it would create so much nervousness and anxiety in him would absolutely manifest as humiliation.

Does that mean that Dominance is inferior to submission, because he would find it humiliating?  No.  It’s just counter to who he is.

Have you noticed how effeminate men, or men who don’t have masculinity as such a big part of their identity, don’t feel the same discomfort or humiliation at being feminized?  Forced feminization as a tool to humiliate and degrade only works if masculinity plays a central role in who a man is.

As it happens, it’s a societal norm for masculinity to play that big a role in a man’s identity, so it is humiliating and degrading for most men in today’s society.

And yes, toxic masculinity is responsible for the sheer number of men who hold their masculinity as such a big part of who they are.  But it’s not any more sexist to fetishize that than it is to fetishize a skin color or hair color or height or weight or literally anything else.

You don’t see forced masculinization because women don’t have that same problem.  We don’t hold our femininity as such a huge part of our identity.  We have more cultural freedom, so we’re all over the gender expression spectrum.  We aren’t particularly attached to one or the other the way men are.

So we don’t feel the humiliation, but we can still feel that discomfort.

Like me, for example.  I don’t like sliding too far to either side of that spectrum.  Sure, I can dress up and be uber ultra feminine, but I have to be able to move back to the masculine side.  You mention a Dom forcing a female sub to fix his car.  I can change my body language and speech patterns and be just as masculine as any guy, and talk cars with the best of them, but I have to be able to move back to the feminine side.

Too far in either direction doesn’t cause the same humiliation that it causes in most men, because gender is not as big a part of my identity, but it’s not pleasant, because it’s not who I am.

So I mean, this idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior to masculinity just doesn’t hold up under close scrutiny.  It doesn’t work.

Comparing intensity and intimacy

May I have some clarification , please? In your post you mention this, “All I can say is that it creates a very unique sort of intimacy that vanilla relationships just don’t have.” in relation to Sounder and you. Are you suggesting that vanilla couple’s are incapable of having this intense level of intimacy or are you suggesting that what you and Sounder share is just different, not necessarily better? Sometimes I believe that those of us in this lifestyle make a mistake when we suggest that only we are capable of such intense intimacy or vulnerability. Thank you for your time.
Wayne

 

Absolutely, I’m happy to clarify.

No, I do not intend to imply that vanilla relationships are incapable of the same level of intimacy or vulnerability, or that all D/s relationships automatically have it.

What I mean is that we have a strange attitude with talking to our significant other about sex.  Husbands and wives are often downright terrified to confess their darkest fantasies or deepest secrets.  There’s a degree of separation in most vanilla relationships because that level of emotional intimacy doesn’t come naturally to us.

I’m not saying that it is any easier for those in D/s relationships.  I’ve discussed quite often my own struggles with emotional vulnerability, and how it’s usually just more comfortable to keep it turned off.

But the very foundation of most D/s relationships is built on communicating those fantasies and secrets.  All of that is laid out from Day One.  It’s a big part of what makes potential partners compatible in a D/s relationship, so they hash it all out early.

And once you’ve confessed your darkest secrets and most fucked up kinks, everything else is easy by comparison.

“Well hell, she already knows that I like being peed on while singing Taylor Swift songs, so talking about this regular fear/concern/thing that irritates me/literally whatever is no big deal.”

And it’s ongoing.  D/s relationships are intense af.  Take Sounder and me, for example.  Take the way I fuck with his head.

He’s going to have to text Kazander.  You can imagine how that fucks with his head.  You can read how it fucked with his head the first time I made him suck Kazander’s cock in his guest post, and you can read about his reactions to what I do to him on his blog.

It’s a pretty intense emotional roller coaster that just doesn’t happen in healthy, stable vanilla relationships.

And it’s important to keep things healthy here, too.  Because the emotions and the fear and the dread he experiences are real.  When I succeed in fucking with him to the point that his heart rate gets elevated to 120+ beats per minute, that’s real.  It’s my job to keep it on the right side of the line between “fun” stress and “bad” stress, and it’s my job to immediately back off if I cross that line.

So it’s just intense, you know?  What he feels is intense.  That doesn’t happen in vanilla relationships.

It’s also intense because, to let go and just allow himself to experience what I do to him, he places a massive amount of trust in me.  He opens himself up and exposes everything to me, and trusts me to hurt him, but not harm him.  The kind of trust required to allow someone to have that kind of power over you doesn’t come naturally to people.

The difference between vanilla relationships and D/s ones is that D/s relationships, by their very nature, require that trust and intimacy, while vanilla ones don’t.

Does that mean that people in vanilla relationships are incapable of it?  Not at all.  It just means that it is not required as a foundation for vanilla relationships, and therefore never really explored by most.

And for the record, no, I find it hard to believe that the average person in the average vanilla relationship experiences the same sort of intimacy that Sounder and I do.

He is taking birth control pills, m’kay.  He’s allowing me to feminize every part of him, physically as well as mentally.

Do y’all understand what that means?  No, I’m serious, do you truly understand the significance of that?

He is literally allowing me to change who he is.

He knows what I want to do to him, and he opens up his body and mind for me.  He allows me to change not just his underwear or masturbation habits, but his bed, his entire house, the way he identifies, the way he sees himself, the way he sees his body, everything.

Do you have any idea the amount of trust something like that requires?  The degree of intimacy and vulnerability?

I mean, I’m good, I’m damn good, but I’m not perfect.  I rely on him to tell me if I push too hard or take him down a path he’s not comfortable with.  With everything else that I’m doing to him, can you imagine the kind of vulnerability required to let me know when the fear I’m creating in him is too much?

I’m not gentle with him, and there aren’t many out there who can handle me.  He can, and he can match my intensity with his own.

I have a hard time believing that the average vanilla relationship can hold a candle to that.  But all of my D/s relationships have similar levels of intensity and intimacy.  It’s the very foundation of the relationship.  The very few vanilla relationships I’ve been in were drab by comparison.

But is it because vanilla relationships and those in them are incapable of that kind of vulnerability?  No.  It’s because there is nothing pushing people to have those conversations and those experiences.  So they need another reason to push themselves to do it.

Again, it’s not something that comes easily to us.  People in D/s relationships are more or less forced to have those conversations, while people in vanilla relationships need to find something else to push them to open up like that.

They’re just as capable of it as we are.  They just need to find the motivation to do it.