Not punching people in the face

So I’m a teensy bit aggressive and confrontational. I also have a distinct lack of patience.

This has led to me occasionally punching someone in the face when they cross a line.

But I’ve been working on that. I haven’t punched anyone in in face in like six months.

But okay, to be fair, seriously, that guy deserved it. And I don’t regret punching him at all.

It was December, and the casinos were open again. I grabbed my mask and decided I wanted a drink.

And do you remember what happens when I try going to a bar by myself?

This guy came up, hitting on me. I thanked him and told him I wasn’t interested. He kept pushing, so I told him to fuck off.

He started rubbing up on me, so I called security. They told him to back off. He came back.

So I punched him in the face. No conversation, no talking, no waiting to see what he was going to say this time. As soon as he was close enough, he got punched in the face.

And security came back in force. But who did they grab and escort to that dark dingy office that every casino has in every movie? Who did they treat like a criminal?

I’ll give you three fucking guesses.

And the main security guard was such a condescending prick. He lectured me, like, “We’re adults here. We are supposed to handle problems like adults. We use our words.”

And I got pissed (and I was buzzed). I said, “If you’d done your fucking job the first time I came to you with this problem, I wouldn’t have had to handle it myself. God forbid you have to stand up to another man. No, that’s just too scary. It’s so much easier to let him harass a woman and sexually molest her on your property, and then lecture her when she does your job for you, you absolute fucking coward.”

Oh, I was pissed. And I didn’t have Kazander or Sounder or anyone there to calm me down or hold me back. I got downright mean.

He finally told me he wouldn’t ban me from the casino, but this would be my only warning, and he “expected me to behave myself.”

So whatever. I can guarangoddamntee that asshole didn’t grind up on anyone else the rest of that night, and it’s not because security told him to leave me alone, it’s because he got punched in the face.

He learned the same lesson that small children are taught: shit has consequences.

I should work security.

Anyway, I was hanging with this Mexican couple the other night. It was late, and suddenly this big group of drunk college-age white American kids came in. They were loud, rowdy, arm-wrestling on tables and just having a grand old time.

But, while annoyingly loud, I was fine with that. Just innocent drunken rowdiness. Boys being boys.

Until their friends came in. These guys were wearing speedo-type swimsuits, and started air-humping behind every woman in the place.

They came up behind me, but I waited. Because the staff was already moving. They wear all black, and the entire energy of the room changed, and all of a sudden it was like you saw these men in black just swooping in from every direction, all at once.

Surprisingly not this time, Alistair

And I’ve been trying to refrain from punching people, and obviously the staff wasn’t messing around, so I stayed seated and let them handle it.

They really weren’t playing around, either. The whole thing, from the time the second group came in, until the time security showed up, was maybe 30 seconds (I was drunk, so my perception of time might be off). Maybe a full minute before they got all of them out the door.

I was impressed, honestly. And relieved. And happy to sit there and let the staff handle it, since they obviously took it seriously. It was nothing like the “meh, shrug” attitude you see in the US when a guy crosses that line.

But apparently I’d tensed up. After they left, the husband said I looked like I was about to go off on the kids. I laughed and told him I thought about it, but didn’t want to risk being thrown out of the hotel.

He looked at me like I had three heads. So I explained last time I punched someone, and I got in trouble.

He looked at me like I’d just grown a fourth.

“What? Oh no, this is Mexico. That doesn’t happen here. As long as he’s 18, you’ll never get in trouble for that.”

His wife chimed in. “Why do you think you never see Mexican boys doing that? You wouldn’t be the first woman in this country to teach a drunk boy that lesson.”

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m kinda a fan of the US, it’s kinda my favorite place. But goddamn, you know, we could learn a thing or two from folks down here.

Even so, I’m glad I refrained. I’m trying to not be a complete asshole, and I really was impressed with how fast and how effectively the staff handled it. As long as the people who are supposed to care about my safety actually do care, I’m fine to sit tight and let them handle problems.

It was kind of an eye opener, though, just seeing the difference in how that sort of thing is handled. Like, the staff didn’t care about the rowdiness, I think one of them was going over to ask the first group to tone it down, but that was it.

It wasn’t until the kids started fucking with the women that suddenly it was like all the fun was immediately sucked out of the room. It was tangible. You could feel it. There was nothing good-natured or accommodating about the staff as they came running. They ran in, barking orders into their walkie-talkies, and everything about their faces, their body language, their energy was intense and serious. They almost felt dangerous.

Like, they weren’t getting the guys out because that’s what they’re paid to do. There was almost an anger behind it (though they are not US cops, so obviously they know how to deescalate instead of escalate issues. But to be fair, even McDonald’s workers have better deescalation capabilities than cops. Because, *sips tea,* they get fired if they don’t).

So it wasn’t hostile or violent, but it almost felt like there was this anger simmering underneath the surface in all the staff. Like they took it personally. It’s hard to explain, but it took me completely by surprise, and like, I was okay to be the damsel in distress and let the fierce knights come charging to my rescue.

I’d never felt anything like that in the US. You’d never see anything like that back home.

And it felt good, honestly. Like, oh, I can relax. I don’t have to be on my guard constantly, ready to hit someone at a moment’s notice. I can trust these people to step in, I don’t have to deal with it myself.

As if I needed another reason to completely adore this place.

And it makes me wonder, how much of me being an asshole is because I feel like I have to be on my guard constantly? How much of how aggressive and confrontational I am is because of shit like what happened at the casino, and would I still feel that way if I could trust the people around me to help out if I need it?

How many American women are assholes because we feel like we’re alone? How many women have bitten a guy’s head off for seemingly innocent shit, because she knows there is a size and strength difference, and she can’t rely on anyone to help her, so she needs to compensate for that difference and the fact that she has no one to back her up, by striking first, striking hard, without mercy?

A group of scared people who don’t know how to handle certain shit and don’t feel like anyone has their back, so all they want is to hurt someone before that person has the chance to hurt them. It’s not right, it’s not healthy, but you heal Johnny by supporting him and teaching him that he isn’t as alone as he feels, not by arresting him or beating him up or telling him he’s on his own, and goddamn I love the first season of that show.

I mean, yeah I can admit that American women seem to be getting meaner, myself included. But I wasn’t mean and quick to punch people before I had issues like at the casino, or at the swinger’s club where I hit a guy for grabbing my ass without permission, and he didn’t even get kicked out, or my boss and my male coworkers stayed silent instead of warning me that one of the other bosses had drugged my beer (thankfully a female coworker pulled me aside and warned me).

I wasn’t born an asshole, guys. No one is. And maybe the US should take a note from how Mexico handles this specific kind of situation. Because if I could go to a bar by myself and feel safe, I’d probably be way more likely to be kind and friendly if you come up and offer to buy me a drink.

I still loved the couple’s reaction, though. Like, “Honey, you’re in Mexico. If a guy gets in your face and won’t back off, you are well within your rights to fucking make him.”

And like Sounder said when I told him about it the next day, we need to make “Fuck around and find out” the basis for our laws in the US. I think it would make a difference in a lot of unexpected ways.

Magic Wand

So some of you may know I’m kind of a fan of vibrating wands. I have mine, it’s my favorite and I adore it.

But it’s dying, as it does every few years. I was planning on replacing it with the same brand I always get.

Then I got an email with an offer to write a review for Adam and Eve, in exchange for a free toy and a commission for any orders made through this post.

I had mixed feelings.

So first, y’all need to understand the history of sex toys, and the sex toy industry, and Adam and Eve in particular, because you can’t

You know, it’s funny, I asked the marketing woman if there were word limits, and she said there’s no maximum.

We’re gonna go ahead and pretend there’s a maximum, and I’m not going to go into a 6,000-word history/archeology/sociology essay about the last 30,000 years of sex toys (the strap-on predates the wheel, fyi. By a lot).

All you really need to know is that, historically, vibrators were not seen as they are now. In fact, there was a time when they were marketed only to men, as a cure for impotence and ED, and they all had disclaimers that they weren’t designed for women.

Because men’s sexuality was socially acceptable, but women’s sexuality was seen as subversive and perverse. It’s a cultural attitude that we’re still trying to untangle ourselves from, and that kind of fundamental social change happens over a period of decades. It permeates every area of personal interaction. Every aspect of how women see themselves, as well as how men see women.

There are a handful of industry titans that have done some pretty heavy lifting in regards to helping expedite that process. Everyone knows about Hitachi and Vibratex (the company that made the Rabbit).

But you can’t talk about industry-defining titans without mentioning Adam and Eve. They’re the Amazon of sex toys, and they’ve done more to normalize women’s sexuality than pretty much any other organization out there.

Not only have they normalized sex toys and sexual expression, but they do quite a bit of social work and a portion of their proceeds goes to charity, for sex education and sexual health in developing countries.

An opportunity to associate with a company like that? Hell yeah, I’m down.

But…

Adam and Eve is a very mainstream organization, and as such, tends to be far more mellow than I’m used to. I mean, they’ve got some decent basic BDSM gear, but nothing that immediately jumps out at me.

I respect the corporation for the impact it’s had, and continues to have, on how society as a whole sees sex. I just never really saw myself associating with it personally.

But that aside, I wasn’t going to not jump at the opportunity to be part of that. I mean, I’m generally wary of giant corporations, but as far as giant corporations go, this is one I’m stoked to associate with.

I signed the paperwork and they sent me the Adam and Eve Brand Magic Massager Deluxe Wand.

It got in, and at first I was disappointed to find out that it has the set speeds and modes, rather than the smooth adjustment I’m used to. But to be fair, that seems to be far more popular in my experience. Most vibrating toys have the set speeds, and don’t let you just choose the intensity you want.

Which, I mean, that’s fine. The whole “One Size Fits Most” mentality is profitable in most situations. I’m not a fan, but I get it, you know?

I’m just saying I’m a little bit of a napoleonic control-monger. I like what I like, how I like it, and a setting that’s just a little too fast or a little too slow can often end up just annoying me.

And the intermittent settings do nothing but frustrate me. I have no use for them.

Yes, I’m neurotic and overly picky. We’re all aware.

But let me tell you, when it comes to tormenting subs, this wand has given me a brand new appreciation for those intermittent settings.

First, the thing is surprisingly strong. Loud as all hell, but damn strong.

It was delivered in the afternoon, and we couldn’t do anything fun until the kid went to bed, but I wanted to plug it in right away and make sure it worked.

As soon as I turned it on, I looked up at Kazander, and I could see the “oh, shit,” in his expression.

I grinned. “It’s strong.”

“I can see that.”

I had a shiny new toy. I wanted to see what sounds he makes when I poke him with it. So after the spawn went to bed, we finally got to try it out.

“How many edges are you up to?” I asked.

“Fifty-four.”

I stopped. “That’s it?

Usually, I like giving him at least 100 edges in between orgasms. And that sounds like a lot, but he’s used to it, so he can usually knock out fifty in two evenings watching porn, without breaking a sweat (it doesn’t hurt that orgasm denial is one of his top three favorite kinks, so that’s helped him get used to so many edges, so quickly).

Letting him cum after so few edges is normally something I’d save for a reward. So originally, I was just planning on using the wand to tease him. Give him another few edges, and send him to bed horny and denied.

It was a great plan. But it can’t hold a candle to what happened completely by accident.

The wand has 3 steady settings, with low, medium, and high intensity. Then it goes into all the intermittent settings, with varying speeds and intensities.

One in particular is just impressively mean. I fell in love with it right away. It almost seems random at first, with different intensities and pauses.

I pressed it against the head of his cock, and immediately he tensed up and started squirming, and made the cutest noises.

But then, all of a sudden, the intensity of his reactions skyrocketed. At first, I pulled the wand away, worrying that he was about to cum.

“Were you close?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Um, what?”

He took a second to fight through the horny fog in his brain. “It felt like I was close, but I don’t think I was going to cum.”

I arched a brow. “Really?”

“Yeah… I think.

Well, this could be interesting.

I put the wand to his cock again and turned it back on. Within a few seconds, he was back at that edge again. And now I was curious. I left the wand there even after he said he was too close.

Sure enough, he didn’t cum. The fact that it seemed so random, and kept stopping and starting, made it just intense enough to keep him riding that edge, but it wasn’t enough to push him over.

Which, you guys, let me tell you, was awesome.

It was torture for him. Just a never-ending blinding intensity.

His squirming turned to outright thrashing. He couldn’t control it. I finally had to actually tie him down, just to keep him from jerking away.

I wanted to see how long I could keep that going. How long could I keep him right there, right at that edge, without letting him cum?

Unfortunately, after a few minutes, it ended up being too much, and he came unexpectedly. But even that was great, specifically because it was so sudden. He’d spent minutes right there on that precipice, in the throes of that build-up, so he had no way of knowing when he was finally going to cross that line.

So it’s not completely foolproof. I’ll have to practice a bit with the wand, and see how to adjust to keep him on that edge indefinitely.

Because oh my god, you guys. Can you imagine?

Like, think of how it feels in that last half-second before you cum. Now prolong that feeling, with no orgasm. I didn’t even think that was possible. Not the way we managed it. Not without hours and hours and hours of intense teasing and fucking with his head beforehand.

Oh, but it’s possible, alright. And with a little practice, I’m hoping I’ll be able to manipulate that build-up. If I can, then I could potentially spend the afternoon just keeping him in that constant state of hyper-arousal.

I could do that for an entire evening. Or an entire day. Or a weekend.

Next time the inlaws are in town and take the spawn for the weekend, I’m definitely going to have to try that. I want to see what will happen if I keep him on that edge for a couple of days.

It’s a great plan. I couldn’t help but smile when I told him about it.

All he could do was sigh and say, “Yeah, can’t wait.”

Like he isn’t already fantasizing about it. Silly little boy.

Want to know the best part, though? The orgasm wasn’t even that strong. Not relative to the intensity of the prolonged buildup. He said it was enough that he felt satisfied, and it still felt good, it just was almost more of a letdown compared to how intense the edging was.

Though to be fair, he often feels that way about most of his orgasms, specifically because he likes the buildup and denial so much. He can’t do multiple orgasms, he’s very much a one-and-done kind of guy, so once he orgasms, all the pleasant feelings and buildup and horniness and awesomeness goes away, and it takes a couple of days to build it back up.

But even as far as his orgasms go, this one was remarkably average.

So I get a super intense and prolonged build-up, I get to tease him mercilessly, and even if I decide to show mercy and let him cum, the relief won’t be as intense as the torment itself.

Yeah, I’m happy. And I’m officially a fan of this wand.

So go check it out. And while you’re there, use my fancy promo code to get half off almost any single item.

Get 50% off almost any 1 adult item & FREE US/CAN shipping by using offer code DOMINA at AdamAndEve.com/?sc=DOMINA. 18+ Only.

Revisiting Chastity

I received an interesting comment on my chastity post. There’s a lot wrong with the guy’s mindset to begin with, but he was polite and respectful in his questions, and he’s not the first guy to ask these specific questions, so I decided to answer them in a post of their own.

His comment will be heavily edited because a) it’s long, and we all know not-rambling isn’t one of my strengths, and I’m trying to condense things a bit, and b) he asks a lot of questions about someone else’s relationship, which I am not going to answer because I’m not in that relationship.

But here’s the thing with relationships that you read about online

Assume it’s all 100% bullshit.

I don’t outright lie about my relationships, because this blog is as much for me as for my readers, and also because part of my motivations for the blog are education. Educating people about the ins and outs of a Femdom relationship doesn’t work if I’m not honest about the relationship.

But I’m writing a story for strangers. I’m also protecting the identities of myself, my boys, and my family. I’ve added details that are untrue. I might reference a hair color or eye color or a tattoo that doesn’t exist. I might say something happened this week, when it happened a month ago. I might focus on certain details and gloss over others.

In other words, no one who reads this blog gets a 100% accurate picture of my relationships, even with me being committed to being truthful. Because my commitments to my boys and my daughter take priority.

Rape and murder threats are a common occurrence. You think the vermin who threaten and stalk me show restraint when it comes to extending those same threats to my 9-year-old daughter?

Hell no. This is the internet and people are crazy.

I will lie out my ass without regret.

But even without that, you’re only getting my side of things. And you’re getting the summation of the fun and exciting things that happen.

You’re not necessarily getting the hours of discussion and negotiation and talks about boundaries and limitations before the fun and exciting things happen.

The descriptions you read online are the fantasy. They’re not reality. So you have to take them with a big grain of salt.

Just because a woman comes online and describes her relationship doesn’t mean that she’s telling the whole truth. She may embellish things or change things, just like I do. She may leave out the negotiation and discussion, just like I do.

Do you have any idea how many giant wall-o-text descriptions of relationships I get in a week? It’s all fantasy. It’s not real.

Stop assuming it’s real.

So.

Let’s get in to this comment.

Someone also said chastity makes men respect women. And if a woman wears a thong, he knows not to objectify.

Respectfully if a woman wears a thong, I’m going to look at her ass. She wants me to. I’m not going to stare, or catcall, start to masturbate, or any of that nonsense.

I mean…

Mkay first of all, generalizing to this extent is problematic.

Yes, someone may have said chastity makes men respect women. I’ve heard that before, some people do say that.

Some people also say the planet is like 10,000 years old and humanity got its literal start as it’s described in the Bible.

Someone saying something doesn’t make it true.

Chastity does have an effect on a man’s mindset, especially over time

But it doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t create respect in a man who doesn’t respect women.

You can’t coerce respect out of someone. It’s one of those things that must be freely given.

Also, if I wear a thong, it’s because I want you to look at my ass?

Oh, sweetheart. That’s adorable.

Are there some women who wear revealing clothing so that men will look at them?

I mean, I assume there must be. There are a few billion of us, after all.

I’ve never met one in person though.

Because I mean, you do realize we still exist even when you’re not around, right? You think we all just stop caring about how we look when we’re only surrounded by women?

You think we only want to look sexy for you?

No, precious. We don’t give a shit about what you think.

Many of us do it for ourselves.

You want to know why I put effort into my appearance? Why I like looking sexy? I’ll tell you.

It’s so that, when I’m out somewhere, I can catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window or mirror and think to myself, “… nice.

That’s it. End of list.

If others also think I look sexy, that’s cool. If my boys think I look good, that’s a bonus. I like looking good for them because I care about what they think.

Random stranger I’ve never met? I don’t give two shits about him. He’s like lawn furniture. I don’t even see him.

And as it happens, Kazander and Sounder have both repeatedly had to tell me how people around me react to me.

I don’t notice because I don’t care.

Now of course, I’m one woman and there are a few billion of us. Not all of us look sexy for ourselves.

But most women who dress up for others still aren’t doing it for you, except in a very few specific situations (for example, I dress a specific way when I go to sex clubs and swingers clubs).

They aren’t doing it for you. They’re doing it for other women.

I mean, guys. Obviously.

Y’all can’t tell the difference between cool red and warm red. Y’all think Angelina Jolie has a “natural” look.

If I want to look good for any given man taken at random, you know what I need?

I need a low-cut shirt and tight jeans. And I probably need to have taken a shower at some point in the past week.

I mean, that’s not a particularly high bar, you know? It doesn’t exactly take effort.

Now women, on the other hand, are harder to please.

I can wear a tight, low-cut dress and a random guy will think I’m hot.

A random woman might think the dress is too short. Too tight. She might think it’s cut in a way that doesn’t flatter my body. She might think it’s too revealing, that I’ve gone from “sexy” to “trashy.”

She might think my eyeshadow is uneven, or that the color of my lipstick doesn’t match my skintone. She might think my hair is too faded, or the style doesn’t match the rest of my outfit.

You don’t see any of that. You see a thong and think she’s wearing it for you.

She doesn’t give a shit about you. She gives a shit about other women. Not you.

And this is one of my pet peeves with men, one of those cultural annoyances that haven’t died off yet.

There’s this mindset that many men (not all, again, generalities are tough when you’re talking about billions of people) have this unconscious assumption that the women around you are there for you.

That we look good for you. That we’ve dressed a specific way for you.

And dump that bullshit now. You are nothing, and we don’t care about you until you give us a reason to care about you.

Don’t like it? How about you grow a pair and start standing up to other men and start policing yourselves. Stop drowning us in your hormones every time we step out of the house.

Stop throwing yourselves at my feet and maybe your approval will mean something to me.

Maybe, if I could enjoy a drink at a bar by myself, without some random dude rubbing up on me like his dick will pay my rent, I might care about how you think I look.

But they don’t give out awards for being the 8th guy today to tell me how hot I am. And at some point, goddammit, I’m allowed to be irritated at all the adoring gerbils gathered at my feet.

I mean, think about that for a second. Here’s a visualization exercise for you.

Picture Terry Crews. The Rock. Jason Mamoa. Someone huge and muscular.

Imagine literally never being able to go to a random, regular bar by yourself without a man that size checking out your ass, or hitting on you.

Even if he immediately backs off when you turn him down, that’s not a comfortable image, is it? If it happens multiple times every time you leave the house, how long would it take before you just stop caring about literally everyone like him?

I cannot go to a bar by myself unless I’m willing to deal with that.

I’ve had a guy hit on me at like 7am, when I was walking my dog wearing the frumpiest of sweat pants and an old stretched-out Tshirt.

No. Your opinion means nothing to me.

If a guy stops me on the street to compliment my jeans, it’s because I have a pulse and a warm, wet hole that he wants to stick his dick in.

If a woman stops me on the street to compliment my jeans, it’s because I’m looking damn good in them.

So fuck off, mkay. We don’t care about you. We don’t do jack shit for you. That entitlement is stupid and we want you to knock it off.

We clear? Still on the same page? Outstanding, next:

If a man needs chastity to “correct” some issue; not respecting women, masturbating, (perfectly healthy, by the way) or cheating, then this is a huge red flag not to do it. Chastity is a kink, nothing more.

You’re right. Chastity probably shouldn’t be used to fix anything (I hesitate to use absolutes here because, once again, generalities, billions of people, etc. Keep that in mind for every statement I make in this post, so I don’t have to keep writing it out).

There’s something here that caught my eye, though. You said chastity is a kink, nothing more.

Which may be true. For you.

It’s not true for me. For me, it’s a lifestyle. It doesn’t end when sex ends. Its nature isn’t exclusively sexual.

I am not you. I exist as a complete and whole human being, outside of your perception of the world.

My boys exist as whole and complete human beings, outside of your perception. They do not exist as reflections of you.

Presenting personal conclusions as universal truth is problematic.

But also, why did you feel you had to go out of your way to assert that masturbating is healthy?

That’s one of those flagged statements. There’s definitely some entitlement there.

Which, normally, is a great thing. If you haven’t agreed to give up that autonomy, you should feel entitled to do what you want with your body, when and how you want to do it (within reason, you can’t go out and start vigorously masturbating in the middle of Target).

But men interested in chastity have agreed to give up that autonomy. They are no longer entitled to do what they want, when they want. They’ve chosen to give that up.

If you don’t want to give up that autonomy, then don’t. Simple as that.

Also, If you insist on constant oral servitude, worship, obedience to your will, but give him nothing but frustration in return, isn’t this very unfair?

Yep. Welcome to Femdom. Moving on.

Won’t this take a normal man, or at least a stable functioning partner, and make him a slave, weakling, wimp, sissy, etc. – what I mean is less of a man. If you destroy his manhood, than when you want or need the “Man”, to work, to make love, to defend you, If there are times when some semblance of confidence or spine is needed, the “Man” won’t be there anymore.

Well, I mean, of course. We all know that working, defending, having a spine, and being a stable functioning partner are attributes exclusive to men, and what’s more, exclusive to a specific kind of Man™.

We also know that Manhood™ is defined as a narrow set of traits and behaviors and methods of expression, and if a Man™ possesses even one trait or behavior or desire that falls outside of that set, then the entirety of his Manhood™ is completely invalidated.

It’s because masculinity is fragile, and brittle, and external, you see.

Easily broken. Easily taken away.

It’s a finite, shared resource, that must be hoarded, jealously guarded, and protected. Because it’s shared, the mere existence of a slave, weakling, wimp, sissy, etc. threatens the masculinity of all men.

I mean, dude. Do you have any idea how stupid you sound? I’m asking honestly.

Manhood isn’t a concrete, finite thing, mkay. And y’all’s continued insistence that your masculinity is weak enough to be shattered by literally anything outside of your narrow definition makes you look like idiots.

So, because I’m in a good mood, I’ll help you out.

First, broaden your definition of manhood, because dear god, dude. You must know how utterly pathetic the current definition is.

I mean, a man isn’t a Real Man™ if he exhibits all the traits and behaviors you deem acceptable, but also happens to like fruity cocktails?

He’s not a Real Man™ if he is assertive, dominant, protective, and a natural provider, but also happens to like being pegged?

Well what if a man is driven, ambitious, a good provider, a great lover, and protective of his family, but isn’t very confident?

What if a man seems really aggressive and confident, but hits his wife and kids?

What if a man loves being a father and chooses not to take a big promotion because it would require long hours, and he’d rather go to his daughter’s ballet recital and watch his son’s baseball game? Is he not a Real Man™ if he doesn’t financially support his family?

I mean, want me to keep going? The existence of one thing that doesn’t fit your definition is enough to invalidate his entire identity?

Why fight to remove our chains, when we can simply compare their lengths? Why step outside the box when the box has these badass flame decals on it? We men are cigarettes; dangerous, and poisonous, and stupid.

Guante

You see that as a sign of strength?

My god, dude.

And you wonder why women don’t give a shit about you. You wonder why we literally laugh at you when you’re not around.

It’s pathetic. It’s not worthy of my respect.

And as far as making love, what? You think I want a cookie-cutter clone whose idea of “switching things up” is reverse cowgirl?

Sure, I’ll use those guys when I want that particular itch scratched, but I don’t give a shit about them. I don’t want to know anything about them. I don’t even want to know their names.

I don’t care. He’s a dildo with a pulse. I bend over and take my pleasure while he does his little-engine-that-could thing back there, and then I want him to leave.

Why?

Because it’s boring. He is boring.

I can go to any club or bar and find ten guys exactly like him. Unoriginal, interchangeable, and ultimately disposable.

There’s not a single thing he can offer me that I can’t get from a battery.

Now, take Sounder, for example.

True, he can’t bend me over and do his own little-engine-that-could thing. But holy hell, why would I want him to?

I mean, I can make a text message conversation intense enough to fluster him at work. I can change his entire headspace with a handful of sentences. I can see parts of him that no one else has ever seen.

I push him hard, and he trusts me with his body, his mind, his safety, his very identity. He chooses to follow me down paths I never thought I’d be able to explore, and he can let go and enjoy the ride because he trusts that I’ll keep him safe.

And my trust, my faith in him, is absolute. He could tell me the sky is green and I’d believe him.

And the same goes for Kazander.

Kazander is a devoted father and a loving husband. We don’t lie to each other, we have no secrets, and there is nothing we cannot talk about.

We’ve been through good times and hard times. We’ve made mistakes, we’ve hurt each other, we’ve healed each other, and we’re still here. There’s nothing I don’t know about him. There’s no part of him I haven’t seen.

That kind of intimacy, that kind of trust, means something.

Why would I want some grunting caveman when I can have Sounder tied up and trembling, his body open and vulnerable for me?

Why would I want some dudebro’s mediocre spastic thrusting when I can bring Kazander to his knees with nothing but a look, and make him beg me to hurt him?

You can’t get that from a battery.

Now, do Kazander and Sounder fit your definition of a “Real Man?”

No, they don’t.

But I have a sneaking suspicion I don’t fit your definition of a “real woman,” so it makes sense that I wouldn’t be interested in your definition of a Real Man™.

Because Real Men™ are pitiful.

I feel sorry for them. They’re scared, and lonely, and hurting, and dangerous.

But confidence is hot, dude. A man who is confident enough to drink a fruity cocktail or admit that a puppy is cute or cry in public is a hell of a lot hotter than the children running around, too terrified of what Real Men™ might think of them.

A man who can unapologetically admit that he wants to be bent over and fucked like a bitch in heat is a hell of a lot hotter than the scared, repressed… thing… who pushes those desires down beneath a mountain of warped denial, self-hatred, and resentment.

Nah, dude. That kind of emotional constipation may have been okay for our mothers, but only because they didn’t have a choice.

Hell, look at my own parents. My dad was the posterchild for Real Men™.

And because I’ve been told I have the emotional range of a goldfish, we got along, but I never knew what he actually felt for me, and because of that, I got blindsided by a pretty nasty surprise after he died.

And that’s what fatherhood means to me. Emotional emptiness, blank stoicism, and lies.

I had tons of issues with my mom, but you wanna guess how many times she confided to me how lonely it was living with the emotional equivalent of a pet rock?

No emotional intimacy. No emotional vulnerability. It’s all skin-deep, nothing real, nothing true.

The only emotion I’d ever seen him show, in 30 years, was anger.

When my parents found out I wasn’t a virgin, he walked out. My mom said, “he can’t even look at you right now.”

I felt ashamed. Dirty. Like I’d lost value to him. Like I’d done something wrong.

Like I was now less, in his eyes.

My father. The first and primary example I was given of manhood.

But it’s totally exclusively my fault for having to untangle myself from my Daddy issues. Because being raised by an emotionally stunted, egotistical coward is just a totally normal thing. More than that, those lonely, terrified cowards are lauded by people like you.

You think that’s a good thing.

Ugh, no. No one wants to live like that.

But that’s not even all there is to it.

My mom didn’t agree with me being poly. She always had shit to say, until finally, I pointed something out when my daughter was a year or two old.

She kept insisting that the man must be in charge, because that’s “natural” and “right,” and monogamy was the only acceptable lifestyle.

“Mom, it just doesn’t work. Not for me.”

“It worked for me and your dad for 30 years.”

I laughed. “Wait, no, it didn’t. You know it didn’t.”

“We’re still together.” (They were both still alive at this point)

I looked at her. “So you’d want your granddaughter to have a marriage just like yours?”

Silence. And interestingly enough, she never had anything to say about my relationships again.

And I mean, she was far from the only one like her. And does that tell you anything?

My mom thought my dad was a Real Man™. But there was no one she loved more than my daughter, and what was her reaction to the idea of my daughter ending up with a Real Man™?

Even better, want to take a guess at my father-in-law’s reaction to the idea of my daughter dating a Real Man?

I even had to have a conversation with Kazander about how he is and is not allowed to react when the spawn loses her virginity. Wanna take a guess what reaction he has to hide when it comes to the idea of his daughter having sex with a Real Man?

I mean, does that tell you anything? You don’t even like Real Men. You don’t trust them. You don’t want them around. You see them as villains and thieves. You see them as a threat.

Why do you devote so much of yourselves to being something you hate?

We have never wanted that. You decided it was normal and women like my mom just didn’t know any better.

I do know better. And that expression of manhood is pathetic.

It’s small. And weak. And sad.

And lonely, not just for the women you inflict yourselves on, but for you, as well.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to live so isolated, under all that fear. Feeling like you can’t be who you are for fear of someone thinking you’re less of a man.

No. That’s not what anyone wants.

Not even you.

Long-term chastity seems to make the woman inevitably more dominant and the man inevitably more submissive and pitiful. Is this what was wanted at the outset.

In relationships that employ long-term chastity, the woman is already the more dominant partner. Chastity doesn’t create that, it’s just another way to express it.

I won’t even enter into a relationship with a man unless he’s submissive. You think he’s pitiful, I think he’s more of a man than you’ll ever be.

Different definitions, remember?

You get married with an expectation of happy equality and mutual love and reciprocity, right?

You get married with that expectation. Equality is not something anyone in a relationship with me expects. Happiness, mutual love, and reciprocity, yes. Equality, no.

I am in charge. If you don’t like it, don’t be in a relationship with me. Problem solved.

But if you enter into kink play that you imagine is safe, sane, consensual, and TEMPORARY and wind up being forced into chastity against hiw will isn’t this a breaking of the marriage contract? Is it ethical to do this to a man, even if you slowly indocrinate him into long term chastity? Shouldn’t he have a say, a safeword, a way out short of divorce?

Lying is wrong, regardless of whether you throw BDSM into the mix. Abuse is wrong regardless of whether chastity is involved.

Changing someone’s mindset or behavior is a slow, gradual process that must be discussed beforehand, and a way out, an ability to reverse the effects, must be available as long as possible. It’s also dependent on a willingness in the man.

You can’t just slap a cage on a reluctant man and expect him to willingly allow you to fuck with his head. It doesn’t really work like that. That’s fantasy, not reality.

And a Prince Albert? I hope that no woman would force it on a man, or even suggest it without a serious and honest discussion where the man has total say in the matter.

I mean, if it helps you sleep at night, go ahead and keep hoping that.

FLRs, woman as complete ruler, long tern chastity, forced feminization, cuckolding, they all strike me as cruel and very abusive unless the man really, really, likes it.

… unless the man really, really, likes it.

There you go. Congratulations, you just answered all your own questions. You took the scenic route, but you got there in the end.

I’ve never forced a man to be with me. I’ve never forced a man to do anything he didn’t want to do, outside of previously-agreed upon boundaries, and everyone I play with always has the right to tell me when something is wrong.

Every man who plays with me does it because he wants to. My boys are with me because they want to be with me. Because they really, really like what I do.

You may not like it, and that’s fine, you don’t have to. The world is big enough for us both.

But you’ve got a lot of crap you need to sort out in yourself before you can look at stuff like this with any hope of being able to grasp it.

Chastity and its effects are like calculus, while you’re operating under the assumption that 2+2=3. You’re missing a few pieces here. And you just won’t be able to understand a hefty chunk of any of this until you go back to the basics of interpersonal relationships and fix what you’ve got twisted up.

You’ve got to untangle yourself from all that crap before you can jump into something like chastity.

Cultivating a Dominant Presence

Anyone can put on a corset and leather mini skirt.  Anyone can tie her hair up in a severe bun and draw on black eyeliner.  Anyone can wear thigh-high boots and swing a flogger.

Any woman can put on the costume.  But what makes someone a Dominant?

In a word: Presence.

A Dominant has to be able to command respect, embody authority, and basically intimidate the hell out of everyone when she wants to.

sexy woman

Command respect, convey power, exude authority

I remember the first time I met my mentor.

I’d seen pictures of him, of course, but it was entirely different meeting him in person.  When he walked through the door, everyone in the building noticed.

It was like in those movies where the main character’s crush walks in to the party, and everyone just stops.  Time seems to move in slow motion as all eyes turn to the door.

That’s the way my mentor was.  He didn’t just have confidence; he had presence.

And it was intimidating as hell.

I knew immediately that’s what I wanted to be.

I wanted to be able to command a room like he could.  I wanted to be the one that made time slow down.

I had no idea how to be like that.  I had some major self esteem issues as a teenager, and when I looked at this confident, charismatic, knowledgeable, secure, self-assured man, I was 100% sure I could never hold a candle to that.

Who he was as a Dominant and a person was so far above and beyond who I was, it was like we weren’t even the same species.  I couldn’t imagine that I would ever be in the bracket as him.

Turns out, I was wrong.

Charisma isn’t something you’re born with, guys.  It’s not something you either have or you don’t.  And it’s not something you have to be a supermodel or a bodybuilder or a celebrity to have.

Anyone can master the skill.

And if you want to be a Dominant, you have to learn it.  It’s so much more important than the clothes or the dungeon or the toys.

It’s the difference between something you do and something you are.

But it can be difficult for someone who is new to the scene, who may not be naturally charismatic.

I heard a woman named Olivia Fox Cabane talk about charisma, using Marilyn Monroe as an example.

Everyone knows who Marilyn Monroe was.  She became the most iconic sex symbol and a powerful role model for women, so much so that she’s still a relevant figure, 50 years after her death.  She was a sex-positive, body-positive icon for women.

Many thought that her career was over when it was discovered that she’d posed nude before becoming an actress.  In the 50s, that was pretty much an instant career-killer.

But not for her.  It skyrocketed her career, and when she became frustrated with the sexist and misogynistic practices in Hollywood, she founded her own production company.

There are a handful of people in every generation who have truly mastered the art of charisma.  She was one of those people.

Ms. Cabane related a story told by a photographer who accompanied Marilyn one day.  Marilyn’s goal was to show the true power of charisma.  She wanted to illustrate to the photographer what her “secret” was, how she had harnessed this real-life superpower, and used it to propel her forward.

What Marilyn wanted to show was that just by deciding to, she could either be glamorous Miss Monroe or plain Norma Jean Baker (her real name).  On the subway, she was Norma Jean, but when she resurfaced on to the busy New York sidewalks, she decided to turn into Marilyn.  So she looked around and she teasingly asked the photographer, “So, do you want to see her?  The Marilyn?”  And then, he said, there were no grand gestures, she just fluffed up her hair and struck a pose.  And yet, with this simple shift, she suddenly became magnetic.  An aura of magic seemed to ripple out from her and everything stopped.  Time stood still, as did the people around her, who stared in amazement as they suddenly recognized a star standing in their midst.

No one bothered her or recognized her on the subway.  She was just one of many attractive young women in a big city.  There was nothing special about her.

But then, all she had to do was turn on that light inside of her.  A subtle change in presence, in posture, in expression, and everyone within sight of her noticed her.  She became that character in the movies who walks into the party, and even the photographer, who had spent the entire day with her, was awed by her presence.

That’s what charisma is.  That’s what it means.  And that’s just how important it is.

And no, it’s not reserved for the young, the beautiful, the rich, the famous.  Everyday people like you and me are capable of it.

Which begs the question, how?

I’ll probably write more on this subject, but the first step is the biggest, and that’s what this post is about.

The first thing to do is feel good about yourself.  And you don’t have to be a size-6, 22-year-old supermodel to feel good about yourself.

Feeling good about what you see in the mirror has laughably little to do with what you actually look like.

Everyone is eventually going to get old, everyone’s body is eventually going to decline.  That 22-year-old supermodel is going to wake up one day and see stretch marks, flabby arms, and sagging tits looking back at her in the mirror.

And then what?

If her self image is wrapped up exclusively in how she looks, her self image will decline as her body does.

You don’t want that.

It’s not about your appearance.  It’s about training your brain to focus on your best attributes, while glossing over the less-than-perfect ones.

As it is, most of our brains do the opposite.  It’s just a matter of turning that around.

Think of the brain like a muscle.  The more you train it to take certain pathways, the stronger those pathways get, and the more your brain wants to take those pathways naturally.

A tool that worked for me in the beginning was to use my clothes and makeup.  I spent hours and hours poring over fashion and makeup tutorials, learning how to accentuate the positives and minimize the negatives.  I probably know more about fashion now than I do about cars.

And I know how to make that knowledge work for me.

When I’ve got the right bra, the right low-cut top, and the right butt-hugging jeans, it’s hard not to like what I see in the mirror.

When I like what I see, other people notice.

I’ve been asked what my “secret” is, how I’m able to carry a room or talk someone into doing what I want, how I’m able to intimidate or allure, without saying a word.

But there’s no secret.  I’m not Heidi Klum.  I’m not some untouchable icon that other women could never hope to be.  I don’t have magic powers.

Guys, I need to stress this:

I’m not a model.  I’m only 3 years away from leaving the “Young Adult” club.  I’m fortunate in how I carry weight, but I’m a BBW.  Objectively, I’m average-looking.

How average?

20180303_0154071427231595.jpg

Please forgive the dirty mirror, my 6yo wanted to “help” me clean today.

This is a typical sleeping outfit for me.  Panties, a tank top, and a sleeping bra (which is just a fancy name for a sports bra that’s a size or two too small, tight enough to keep everything in place while I’m asleep).

You can see that my body isn’t perfect.  You can see the cellulite and the Mexican thighs and the big hips (I have reproduction to thank for that).  Pull up the tank top and you can see stretch marks and a C-section scar.  Pull the bra up and you can see stretch marks on my boobs from when they literally went from a DD to an HH in less than 3 months, then shrank back down to an F.

My BMI puts me in the top 47% of women my age in the country.  Literally the definition of average.  My face is average, too.  My forehead is high, my hair is fine, and my lips are thin.

I’m telling you all of this because it’s so important for people to understand that being magnetic, commanding respect, and exuding authority has nothing to do with the way you look.

There’s nothing special about the way I look.

But when I turn on that light inside me, I’m exemplary.

And people notice.

20170330_021147

As I said, exemplary.  And I’m actually about 15 pounds heavier in this picture, originally published in an older post.

And it’s not because I’m prettier or younger or thinner or smarter than anyone else.  It’s not because I’m a low-key superhero with magic powers.

It’s because I know how to use charisma.  And I know how to use it because I learned how.  It’s not something I was born with.  It’s not something that came naturally to me.

But I learned it.  And the first step was learning how to feel good the way I looked.  It wasn’t about waiting until the way I looked made me happy, it was about becoming happy with the way I looked.

Everything else comes from that.  Every charismatic and magnetic person started with that.  With feeling good about what they look like and who they are (this post focuses specifically on physical appearance, but feeling good about yourself as a person is just as important).

Feeling good about yourself means that other people are inclined to feel good about you.  And if you’re an average-looking person who knows what it feels like to be ignored and shrugged off, you genuinely appreciate the attention.  And when you genuinely appreciate the attention, you’re warm and friendly.

And when you’re warm and friendly, you’re likeable.  When you’re likeable, even more people take notice.

It’s a snowball effect that only gets bigger and bigger once it starts.

So how to start it?

It starts with putting on a nice outfit, looking in the mirror, and thinking, “You know, that’s not half bad.”

Do that often enough, for long enough, and it turns into, “Damn, that’s actually pretty good.”

And then, almost overnight, you find yourself commanding the respect and attention of everyone around you.

International Sex Workers’ Rights Day

workers-rights-are-human-rights

So March 3rd is International Sex Workers’ Rights Day.

I am not currently a sex worker, but I have been in the past, and there’s always the possibility I could be again.  I rather enjoyed my work.

Of course, there was the occasional client I had no interest in or the occasional fetish I had to pretend I liked, but I’d say I thoroughly enjoyed myself 75% of the time.

And think of your day job.  How many people can say they legitimately enjoy their jobs 75% of the time?

It’s fewer people than you think.

Sex work is work.

It’s a legitimate form of income for those who choose it.

But today, the biggest enemies of sex workers are not the old, rich, white men running our government.

They’re the “feminists” who claim that it’s demeaning.  The sex-worker exclusionary radical feminists, or SWERFs.

These angry, bitter women criminalize all human sexuality, but particularly male sexuality.  And they belittle and objectify the women who choose to embrace their own sexuality and celebrate male sexuality.

Just today, actually, SWERFs called me, and the other sex workers participating in the discussion, rented wet spots, disposable merchandise, and objects to be bought and sold.

But men are the ones who demean us.  Gotcha.

The fact that this archaic view of sexuality still exists in 2018 is disturbing.  It makes a habit of removing women’s agency and ability to decide for themselves.

If a woman doesn’t want to be a sex worker, she shouldn’t have to be.  If she’s forced into it against her will, it’s trafficking and rape, and every woman needs to be protected from that.

But this line of logic that equates good, decent, law-abiding citizens engaging in a mutually beneficial and consensual arrangement with rapists and criminals always confuses me.

I’m not a damsel in distress.

I don’t need saving.  There does not exist a man alive that intimidates or scares me.  I’ve had a knife pulled on me, I’ve had a gun pointed at me (turns out it wasn’t loaded, but I didn’t know that at the time), I’ve spent time with a convicted rapist (who insists he didn’t do it, but I sorta think he did) and a convicted murder (who insists he didn’t do it, and I sorta think he didn’t).  I’ve been raped, I’ve been threatened, I’ve been stalked, I’ve been harassed, I’ve been sexually assaulted, I’ve been mugged, I’ve been beaten.

I’ve been at the mercy of men who wanted to break me.  And every single one of them failed.

I don’t need your help.  I don’t need you to protect me from something you’ve decided I need protecting from.  There was a while where I had an issue with mentally freezing when I was out alone with my daughter, but even that wasn’t so much fear as, “What’s going to happen to her if something happens to me?”

That was an unacceptable reaction for me, and not doing anything about it wasn’t an option, so I fixed it.  I didn’t need a knight in shining armor or a misandrist SWERF to come in a rescue me.  I just needed the tools to figure out how to do it myself.

Bitch, I don’t need your help.  I will never need your help.

Not Your Rescue Project.jpeg

Sex work is not sex slavery.

Sex trafficking is deplorable, and heinous, and tragic, and disgusting.  The women and children who are forced or coerced into these situations desperately need help.

And we need to help them.  Sex workers hate trafficking just as much as anyone else.  We want to stop trafficking just as much as anyone else.  The idea of a woman or child being forced into it turns my stomach.  These are human beings, but they have been dehumanized and turned into commodities.

Those who insist on putting me in the same category as the women who have been kidnapped, sold, tortured, raped, and murdered is offensive, not just to me and the men I’ve consensually provided a service for, but for those victims.

Equating sex work with sex trafficking trivializes and demeans what those women go through.  The absolute, utter hell that those women endure.  I’ve been raped, I know what that feels like, and nothing infuriates me more than people who trivialize and disrespect the people who have to live that, day in and day out, until they are killed (sex trafficking victims don’t die of old age, y’all).

And anyone who equates consensual sex work with something as heinous as trafficking immediately loses all respect from me.  It’s a repugnant and disgusting mindset, and I pray to God that those people never reproduce.

Because you just can’t help someone who is that shitty of a human being.

Prostitution has a noble and rich history.

It is literally the oldest human profession.  And while I know that prostitutes in different cultures have been widely respected, the culture I know the most about is the American West, where I live.

The American West very literally owes its fucking existence to prostitutes.

I’m serious, you guys.  That’s not an exaggeration.  It’s literally the truth.

What happened is that men came out here to be miners, ranchers, etc.  They set up their little tents and lived off the land.  And in places like Nevada and much of California, the land wasn’t easy to live off of.

The prostitutes followed, looking for work.  They saw these little shanty towns and said, “Fuck everything about that.”

In many towns, the absolute richest residents were prostitutes.  And brothels were not run by men, but by women.

Prostitutes were the ones who paid to have schools and hospitals built.  They supported and backed the politicians who did their bidding.  They influenced western American culture more than any single group since the dawn of the nation.

And they were widely respected.

A well-known Nevada prostitute was Julia Bulette, who was the first white woman to live in Virginia City, NV.  She was easily the most respected and widely-loved person in the town.  She was educated, intelligent, witty, and charming, a tall and slender brunette with expressive dark eyes.

She had a soft spot for miners, and for firefighters in particular.  When miners became ill after drinking contaminated water, she opened her home to them and worked tirelessly to nurse them back to health.  They called her an angel of mercy, and one miner described her as “having caressed Sun Mountain with a gentle touch of splendor.”

Indescribably wealthy, she donated vast sums to the firefighters for new equipment and training to keep them safe (in fact, she donated so much of her wealth to the town, she drove herself to debt).  She also personally worked the water pump when it was needed.

She became an honorary firefighter, and on July 4, 1861, she was named Queen of the Independence Day parade.

She was murdered inside her home, and the entire city shut down to mourn her, and her funeral was attended by thousands.

A year later, a drifter was charged and convicted of her murder, and hanged.  His execution was witnessed by the entire town, including the notable Mark Twain.

She was a feminist icon and she remains so, 150 years after her death.  She is a beautiful example of what a woman can do, even in a society specifically designed to oppress women.

When women were granted the right to vote, 13 western states simply laughed.  Women had been voting there for decades.  Wyoming in particular refused to join the Union unless Wyoming women could retain their right to vote.  They also boast the first female governor.

Montana appointed the first female to the US House of Representatives before the 19th Amendment was passed.  Kansas boasts the first woman mayor of an American town.

And why do you think women in these western states were treated so much better than their eastern and southern countrywomen?

Because of prostitutes, y’all.

Because tiny little shanty mining towns were fine for the men who lived there, but the women wanted more.  They made the little desert towns habitable.  They created a society that would not have existed without them.

If you live in the west of the Mississippi River, chances are, you owe your very existence to prostitutes.  They were powerful, they were rich, they were influential, they were respected.

It wasn’t until the criminalization of prostitution that it began being seen as something oppressive.

Of course, prostitution was dangerous, as evidenced by Julia Bulette (although it’s unclear whether her profession had a direct influence on her death.  Although her profession was why she become such a prominent figure, and her prominence definitely made her a target).

Prostitutes died in childbirth, they died of disease, and not all of them were rich.  It was a dangerous job, not for the faint of heart.  It could paint huge targets on the backs of women.  It wasn’t an easy life.

But it’s a life that western pioneers chose.

The criminalization of prostitution saw the rise of pimps and people who coerced women into the profession.  Because illegal, unsanctioned, unsupervised, unprotected acts drew a large number of undesirables, and women found themselves needing large male protectors to keep them safe.  Those large male protectors then began taking advantage of women, and gave rise to the modern pimp.

We see the difference in the practice of illegal prostitution vs legal prostitution even now.  In places where it is legal, like parts of Nevada, brothels are managed, supervised, and regulated.  While in places where it is illegal, you see private gangsters as pimps, who will beat and rape their girls if they don’t make enough money.

Of course, there are problems in brothels, too.  You hear stories of women being coerced into having sex with friends of the brothel owner, or being coerced into doing things they don’t want to do.

Because where can they go for help?

What can be done if they report it?  Who would support them?

The criminalization of prostitution has harmed the women who choose it as their profession, and it has harmed countless women who have been forced into it against their will.

And all because sexuality has become something dark and shameful in the eyes of so many people.

Men who choose to pay women are seen as misogynists, and women who choose to provide a service for a fee are seen as brainwashed victims.  The agency and ability of these women to consent to what they want, to do what they wish with their bodies, has been removed.

Sex is the only thing that can be given away for free, but not sold.  How dumb is that?

Sex work isn’t for everyone.  And no one who doesn’t want it should ever be coerced or forced into it.  But for those who want it, for those who choose it, they should have the right to do what they want with their bodies.

Sexuality is a beautiful thing.  Even sex that we see as “dark” or “depraved” is beautiful.  It can bring people closer together.  It has legitimate, measurable health benefits.  And for those of us who choose it, it’s really a hell of a lot of fun.

But Jen, sex work doesn’t empower women.

First of all, find me a sex worker who feels that way.

Secondly, why does it have to be empowering?

Does being a mailman empower you, as a woman?  Does being a hairstylist or cashier or waitress or babysitter empower you, as a woman?

Chances are, no.  And no one fucking cares.  When I drove truck, no one ever asked me if I felt empowered by my career.

But sex workers get asked that all. the. fucking. time.

I personally found it empowering, because I was working full time and still couldn’t pay my bills.

I could make my own hours, set my own rules, choose who I decided to have sessions with, and designate the boundaries and rules that my clients were expected to follow.

Not a single client ever disrespected me or tried to cross a boundary.  And I could pay my bills, and I had some financial breathing room that my day job didn’t provide.  In a town with a 10% unemployment rate, I was highly sought after and had clients who would drive two hours or more, just to spend $200 for two hours of my time.

But Jen, the legalization of sex work has increased sex trafficking.

No, it really hasn’t.

You’re thinking of a 2012 “study” that defines trafficking as anyone who crosses a national boundary and then engages in sex work.

To use US states, if prostitution is criminalized in Utah and legalized in Nevada, is it really that much of a stretch to think that the women who engage in illegal sex work in Utah will relocate to Nevada, where they can do it legally?

What a shock that “sex trafficking” increases.

When you use a realistic definition, like “women and children being forced or coerced into sex work,” you find that the legalization of sex work greatly diminishes sex trafficking in that area.

See New Zealand and New South Wales.

But Jen, so many misogynists demean women through sex work.

Yeah, and how many of those are women?

There will always be assholes.  Some of those assholes will be men, and some of them will refuse to respect a woman who engages in sex work.  I’m not even a sex worker now, and my Facebook inbox is full of men who are insulted that their wishes to engage in a paid cam session with me went ignored.

They feel that because I’m a Dominant, and because I’m on Facebook, I must be a professional, and if I’m a professional, I must drop everything when they snap their fingers, to go and worship their penises.

This is not new, you guys.  There will always be assholes.  Decriminalizing prostitution will not solve the asshole-human problem.

No sane or reasonable person is looking at the decriminalization of sex work as a solution to that problem.

The bottom line?

The only experts on sex work are sex workers.

The only people whose opinions about sex work matter are sex workers.  The only people who have the power to decide what to do with their bodies are the owners of those bodies.

The only people who have the right to dictate what sex work should be are the people who do it.

Are you a sex worker?  No?

Then shut the hell up.

 

“My husband asked me to put him in chastity. Help!”

Okay, first of all, relax.  Take a breath.

Your husband isn’t a pervert, he isn’t a freak.  He’s not sick.

He’s also not the only one.

In fact, of the top 10 search terms that lead people to this blog, numbers 4, 6, and 7 are all about male chastity specifically.  This is more common than you think.

But, for all the wonders that the internet brings to our lives, it can also be overwhelming, and most of what you will find online is porn that may or may not be a tad off-putting to someone unfamiliar with the fetish.  Of the advice out there, most is geared toward the husband, or geared toward a woman who already wants it.

And, yeah, I’m guilty of that, too.

If you google “My husband wants me to put him in chastity,” you’ll get something that looks a little like this:

Screenshot (3)

A Yahoo Answers thread, a Reddit thread, a blog post that reads suspiciously like fiction (although I could very well be wrong, I’m sure as hell in no place to judge the content of someone else’s blog), and my post detailing a strategy for a gung-ho wife and reluctant husband.

But what, really, is out there for an unsure, inexperienced, or reluctant wife?  When your husband approaches you with something like this, something you might not have even ever heard of, the internet can sometimes do more harm than good.

So what to do?

Again, relax.  There’s nothing wrong with him for wanting it, and there’s nothing wrong with you for being unsure.

For as progressive as we like to pretend we are, we’re really not a very sex-positive species.  Even within close, intimate marriages, talking about sex can be taboo, uncomfortable, or awkward.  And when sexual desires fall outside the realm of what we assume to be mainstream, that gets even more uncomfortable.

So take a minute and give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s different from everything you know.  It’s okay to be a little freaked out.

But at the same time, there is something you must understand, regardless of what happens from here on out.

I was a professional Dominatrix.  I’ve also been a professional keyholder and a financial Dominatrix.  Which are all just fancy words for men paying me to engage in various BDSM-related activities with them.

And would you like to know what 90% of my clientele consisted of?

Married men.

Why?  Lots of reasons, and we’ll avoid getting into that here, this will already be long enough.  The point is that coming to you with this took a lot of courage on his part, a lot of trust in you, and a lot of hope that this wouldn’t blow up in his face.  This isn’t something all women are open to, it’s not something all women are accepting of, and many men suffer in silence, or they pay professionals.

He hoped that maybe, just maybe, you might be open to it.  Or at least wouldn’t think any less of him as a man or as your husband.

Imagine if you had a fantasy that many might call “depraved” (…and, just between us girls, you know you do).  Imagine telling him about it, asking him to help you make that fantasy a reality.

What if he judges you?  What if he rejects you?  What if he tells his friends?  Your friends?  God, what if your family finds out?  What if he’s freaked out, or disgusted, or can never look at you the same way again?

Pretty scary to think about, right?  Men are conditioned not to show emotion, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.  That fear, that insecurity, that’s what he felt when he brought this to you.  This is something that he likely wrestled with for months, at the very least.

So take a moment to appreciate the fact that he told you.  Regardless of whether this is something you actually want to do, recognize what it took to bring this to you.  It wasn’t easy, and it’s a pretty strong indicator of how deeply he feels for you.

Also, keep in mind that, as you’re reading this, he’s likely swimming in anxiety, waiting to see what your thoughts are, what you’ll think of this fetish, what you’ll think of him.

So maybe take a quick moment to reassure him that you’re not going to run screaming into the night (… because, just between us, you know you’re not).  And that you’re not going to leave him, or think less of him.  It’ll put his mind at ease while you try to figure out what the hell it is he’s asking you to do.

But that brings us back to the problem at hand: What the hell are you supposed to do?

Chastity, for the newbies out there, is the act of putting a device on the penis, preventing touch and sexual pleasure. The device is locked on, and you, as his wife, would hold the key, and therefore control when (or if) he is allowed sexual pleasure.

There are plenty of blogs run by men in chastity, and I’ll share links to a few down at the bottom of this post.

There are, unfortunately, fewer blogs run by women who put their husbands in chastity full-time (I put my husband in chastity, but it’s on a more part-time basis, and I don’t write about it all that often).  But still, reading some of the blogs run by men will help.  It’s not porn (although they do have the occasional steamy recap of the previous night’s activities), and it’s not spruced up and exaggerated.  It’s just a normal guy writing about his daily life in chastity.

Reading these will help you get an idea of what it’s like.  But don’t read them as gospel (and don’t read this post or my writings about chastity as gospel, either).  There are no hard and fast rules for chastity.  It’s what you want, what works for you.

There are tons of benefits to putting your husband in chastity, and a couple of cons.  So let’s go through them.

Pros:

  • Your sex life will improve
    • “But wait, he’ll be locked up, probably for extended periods of time.  How would that improve our sex life?”  I know, it seems counterintuitive, but trust me, there will be a drastic improvement, and I’ll get to that in a bit.
  • Your bond with improve, and strengthen
    • This is an interesting phenomenon that starts with the physical and erotic, but then moves deeper.  By holding the key to his chastity cage, you control when he can access that part of his body.  You become the sole source of his sexual gratification.  He looks exclusively to you for that pleasure.  It will become habit-forming, and he’ll begin looking to you in other areas of life, as well.  It’ll open up a part of him that he’s never had opened up before.  He won’t become emotionally dependent on you, per se, but he’ll definitely show more vulnerability, and won’t feel the need to hide behind that veil of stoicism that so many men hold up as their mask.
  • Doing something “taboo,” or “forbidden,” is exciting
    • Regardless of how old you are, there’s nothing quite like doing something “naughty” to make you feel like a couple of teenagers.  I still occasionally have that feeling, and I’m 32.  I wrote about one time in particular here on the blog.  You feel young, you feel energetic, you feel legitimately excited and enthusiastic.  It adds a new level of fun to your sex life.
  • He’ll become a better husband
    • This one is a bit harder to quantify, but it’s pretty damn consistent with everyone I’ve ever known, who has put their husband in chastity.  He starts thinking about you more, and differently, than he did.  How this manifests depends on your husband and your relationship.  He may start leaving quick, romantic notes for you in the mornings before he goes to work.  He may start doing more little things around the house.  He may bring you flowers on a random Tuesday.  If you’re busy or sick, he may stop on his way home and pick up your favorite carry-out, so you don’t have to cook.  The level of thoughtfulness increases.  And all husbands want to be able to make their wives happy, but far fewer really understand how to do that.  I’d say his level of understanding regarding your needs and desires increases.  He’ll be more in tune with you, and more confident in his ability to make you happy.
  • You’ll become a better wife
    • Of course, we must remember that, even though you hold all the control, this is still a relationship.  He has needs and desires of his own, and it’s your responsibility to make sure he’s happy within the relationship.  But when he starts doing those things I mentioned before, when he feels more in tune with what you want and what you’re feeling, you won’t be able to help but reciprocate.  You’ll find yourself wanting to go the extra mile for him, and for your relationship.  And, because he’ll be much more open with you, you’ll have a much better understanding of how to do that.
  • It will improve your communication with each other
    • As I said, talking about sex and fantasies is hard.  It’s awkward, and that level of communication doesn’t come naturally to us.  But by talking through it and working through the awkwardness, you’ll learn how to talk through other uncomfortable subjects, as well.

The most obvious thing at first will be the sex.  Pretty much all guys, when they think of sex, or any sexual activity, have their focus centered on their cocks.  Orgasm is the goal.

Of course, he wants to please you, as well, I’m not implying that he’s not a generous lover, but all of his sexual energy revolves around one place.  It’s the center of his focus.

Removing his ability to access that part of his body will not diminish his sexual energy, or his libido.  But it’ll change his focus. It’ll remove his penis from the equation, unless you specifically decide to add it.

With him in chastity, he’ll need your permission to orgasm, to touch himself, even to get hard.  And it’s likely that he’ll be extremely motivated to please you, however he can, so that you’ll give that permission.  It starts with a sort-of-selfish desire, but as time goes on, he’ll genuinely equate your sexual pleasure with his own.  He’ll genuinely want to please you, even if his penis remains locked up.

Sex won’t be just about his cock, anymore.  He may give you oral sex, or, if you want to be penetrated, but do not want to let him out of the cage, he could use a strap-on.  Sex will be about you.

Which may sound selfish, and this is something a lot of women struggle with.  It seems really selfish to make him give you oral, to satisfy you, but not get any satisfaction of his own.  It may be uncomfortable at first.

But the denial is part of the fetish.  He wants to be denied that pleasure.  It will be supremely frustrating for him, but there’s a switch that gets flipped in his mind, that turns his frustration into something positive.

I have trouble explaining exactly what that switch is, exactly what happens in his mind.  For that, you’ll definitely be better off reading things written by men in chastity.  They’ll be able to explain it better than I could.  But denying him physical pleasure is an integral part of this fetish.

But there are some cons to the fetish, as well, although most of them will affect the wearer, rather than the keyholder.

  • Discomfort
    • Wearing a cage is an adjustment.  He’ll likely be uncomfortable at first.  The cage prevents erection, and as it turns out, when a man’s body attempts to get hard, but is prevented from that by a chastity device, it causes pain.
  • Discretion
    • Most cages designed for long-term wear are created in a way that makes them impossible to detect under clothing.  But even with that, there are certain situations that might be complicated by the cage (urinals in public bathrooms, for example).
  • Hygiene
    • Maintaining hygiene with the cage can be tedious and time-consuming.  This is something you’ll definitely want to keep in mind when choosing a cage, and definitely look through blogs written by men in chastity, to find the pros and cons of specific kinds of cages.  Some are much easier to deal with, hygiene-wise, than others.
  • The way you relate to each other will change
    • Make no mistake, this will change your relationship pretty drastically.  While, in my personal opinion, the changes are all positive, change can still be frightening and uncomfortable.

So I mean, it’s something that requires some thought before just jumping in.

Still, it could be a lot of fun.  Which brings us back to the original question: What the hell do you do?  Is this even something you want to do?

My advice?  Try it out before making any decisions.

The first thing you need to do is buy a chastity cage.  It’s pretty likely your husband may already have one in mind (he may even already own one).  But get it.

And start with just a day.  Make it a day when both of you are free.  No kids, no work, no pressing errands, nothing to do.  Lock the cage on him as soon as you get up in the morning, and tell him that you won’t take the cage off until that night.

Then, just make a game of it.  You could wear your favorite lingerie and strut around the house, teasing him.  You could make him give you oral repeatedly throughout the day.  You could make him give you a massage, or cuddle together on the couch and watch TV, or anything you want.  It’s supposed to be fun.

And at the end of the day, after you’ve had a few good orgasms, you can unlock him and have some mind-blowing sex.

Try that once or twice.  If you like it, try keeping the cage on for longer.  Make him wear it for a full weekend.  Or a week.  And be assertive.  Hold him to the time you agreed on, even if he wants to take it off halfway through (which is entirely possible in the beginning).  Be his boss, embrace the position of power that he wants you to take.

Part of the denial aspect of this fetish is genuinely wanting to be let out, wanting to orgasm, and being legitimately denied that ability.  So don’t be afraid to tell him no if he wants out.  Have fun with that, too.

It’ll likely be very empowering for you, and it’ll bring the two of you closer together.  Even if you’re nervous at first, I definitely recommend giving it a try.

And, as promised, here are some links to blogs written by men in chastity.  They’re all very well-written and informative, and should be able to provide more insight to daily life with a chaste husband.

Denying Thumper

Steeled Snake

Thrill of the Chaste

The Chaste Cyclist

Male Chastity Journal

Going their own way

I got this comment on my Entitlement and Liberation post:

Ok but you completely ignored the underlying issue. Society and laws today favor women in virtually every way. Why do you think so many men are going MGTOW? Its because we’re tired of being taken advantage of and finally decided we’ve had enough. Its becoming clearer and clearer that feminism isn’t about equality but superiority and holding men down. Your own relationships are proof of that because you refuse to have an equal relationship. you have to be the one in charge. Its either your way or the highway. Just goes to show that women only want to take advantage of men.

Okay, MGTOW?  What is that?  Let me do a quick Google search.

… 7 hours later…

Well… Ho… ly… shit.

hairless-rabbit

So MGTOW stands for Men Going Their Own Way, which is a philosophy in which men have sworn off all interaction with women, or romantic relationships with women, or legal relationships with women.  In many cases, this is accompanied by an impressive amount of anger and misogyny.

Like, legitimately impressive.

c6e184c37df932d599fc1db174c7c7b2c8caf5400bc6b13d6865c1393f7b3122

And like, I can’t even be offended.  You ever get that feeling when someone’s hostility is so extreme, it’s almost cartoonish, and impossible for you to take it personally?  Yeah, it’s like that.

I’m actually a bit confused, though (must be my inferior woman brain).  Because the hostile, angry, bitter MGTOW guys insist that women are inferior in every way, and we only exist to manipulate and take advantage of men.  They’re resentful that women have so much political power, and that so many divorce and family laws favor women.

Right, but if women are inferior, how did we get to a position like this in the first place?  I mean, women are supposedly mindless vagina-holders, and yet we completely took over an entire society, and oppressed and brainwashed entire generations of men?

How?

Some blame “white knights,” or men who defend women in hopes that the women will think favorably of them and have sex with them.

Okay, cool, but the sheer number of white knights would have to be astronomical to enable the kind of power these men say women have.  You’d have to assume a hefty majority of men are white knights, doing the bidding of women who have hypnotized them with their pussies.

So if the majority of men idolize a woman’s vagina to the point that they are incapable of making objective decisions when sex is concerned, and if women discovered this weakness and used it against men, wouldn’t that imply mental superiority?  How could such a cheap, simple form of manipulation be enough to trick a mentally superior being into handing over his power?

And if only a few men are “woke” and have figured out this global manipulation conspiracy, wouldn’t it mean that men, taken as a whole, are too stupid (ie, mentally inferior) to realize they’re being manipulated, and the handful of MGTOW guys are the exception to the rule?

I mean, that just doesn’t make sense to me.

But to be fair, not every MGTOW is a hostile misogynist.  They’ve simply sworn off romantic and/or legal relationships with women, on the basis that women are only interested in a man’s money or social status, and even if she’s not, divorce laws and family laws favor women so heavily, a divorce means that she’s going to get everything.  They also quote the fact that women initiate divorce more often than men do (they like to conveniently miss the parts that explain why that is).

Often, these men have been screwed over and had their lives completely turned upside-down by an ugly divorce, may have lost custody of their children, or been the victim of a gold-digger or hypergamist looking to take advantage of his position.  Having been burned once, they decide to turn away from any sort of relationships, with varying degrees and of hostility and/or misogyny (and some have neither hostility nor misogyny.  They claim that it’s not necessarily women that they’re swearing off, just the laws that favor them).

Which sucks, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want to trivialize what those men went through in any way.

But sorry, any guy who buys into that MGTOW crap is a complete coward, and really just a weak man.

Why do I think he’s a pathetic loser, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you.

I’m not even going to address the misogyny, it’s pretty obvious what those guys’ problem is.  A sexist asshole is a sexist asshole.

But the main theme of the MGTOW movement is financial.  These men are frustrated because they’ve lost half (or more) of their wealth, or are forced to pay child support for kids they never get to see, or are forced to pay alimony to a woman who decided she didn’t want to remain married to him.

Cool.  But just real quick buddy, what do you think marriage is?  You think financially supporting her in exchange for sex whenever you want it is a fair trade?  Ever wonder why women initiate 70% of divorces?

You think it’s a coincidence that a slim majority of married women feel oppressed, stifled, or ignored in their marriages?

You’re putting more value on material things than on less tangible contributions, where women tend not to think that way.  You’re used to an old and obsolete view of marriage, where the man is in charge and the woman does what she’s told, and that’s not enough for women anymore.

They want emotional intimacy.  They want to feel valued.  They want to feel like you love them and are just as attracted to them now, that they’re yours, as you did while you were dating.  They feel like they were just a conquest for you.  You were nice and sweet and romantic while you were dating, because you were actively pursuing her.  But now that you’ve caught her, there’s no hunt anymore.  There’s no challenge.  So you end up ignoring her.

And dealing with emotional shit is hard, right?  It’s way easier hanging out with your buddies and tuning her out when she starts to talk.

Here’s a thing:

FB_IMG_1505683678173

No, but it’s all about the money, right?  That’s the only viable reason to get married.  And if you make more than your wife does, she should shut up and be grateful that you’re doing that for her, and stop expecting ridiculous things like companionship.  You measure satisfaction by how much shiny crap you give her.  If you give her a lot of shiny shit, she should be completely happy and content forever, regardless of how you actually treat her.

Yeah, that’s healthy.

And your unhealthy obsession with material things continues even after your divorce, in your resentment of having lost half your stuff, while ignoring how unhappy she was and refusing to take responsibility for the fact that you neglected her.  Literally all you care about is the wealth.  You thought you could buy her happiness, you thought fulfillment only comes from a bank account, you ignored her every time she told you she was unhappy, and then you got all shocked when suddenly she resented you for it?

Not cool, bro.  Yeah, I’d divorce your selfish, materialistic, narcissistic ass, too.  I’m not a spiteful person, but fuck with me like that for long enough, and I might just be persuaded to fuck with you right back.

But, to be fair, I do have to concede that some women are, in fact, spiteful, manipulative, gold-digging bitches.  Some women do just want to sit at home and be a trophy wife while their husbands work to support them, and then want to take half of the husband’s shit in the divorce.  Some women do take advantage of our fucked up parental laws, and use them to take his kids away and keep him from seeing them, while spending the child support on her hair or her clothes.  That’s true,  I’ll give you that.

The operative word there, though, is some.

And that brings us to my primary problem with MGTOW:  I immediately respect someone 99% less when they start making broad, sweeping generalizations about a massive group of people based on the actions of a few.

Here, let me try using some MGTOW logic, and see if I can draw some conclusions of my own:

I was raped twice.  Practically every woman I know, or have ever known, has been raped or assaulted, or harassed, or taken advantage of by a man.  Quite a few rich, powerful, famous men are being accused by multiple women of harassment.  I’ve had two different male bosses try to come on to me.  There are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of women coming forward online with their stories about how men have raped, sexually harassed, or sexually taken advantage of them.

That’s a lot of guys.  Way more than “a few,” so I’m totally not basing my opinion of all men on the actions of just “a few.”  With it being such a common occurrence, it becomes clear that the majority of men are either rapists or harbor desires to rape women.  How else do you explain how prevalent it is?

And it doesn’t stop with sex.  Multiple studies have shown that men do not listen and focus when their wife is talking to them to the same degree they listen and focus on other men.  So they obviously don’t care about women as people, and don’t give women’s words the same weight as other men’s.

When women do come forward or talk about how they’ve been raped or taken advantage of, they’re told to “get over it,” and “not all men do that.”  Men are more defensive of other men, that they’ve literally never met, than they are of the women they know and supposedly care about.

Actually, here’s a good way to put it:

Men are more offended by the fact that I am wary of certain individuals, in certain situations, than they are by the fact that a grown man forced himself inside a little girl, threatening to kill her and rape her sister if she screamed, and another grown man snatched a teenager off the sidewalk in her own neighborhood, beat the hell out of her in the back of his van, cut her clothes off, held her down by her hair and fucked her until she bled, and then when he saw the blood on his dick, he facefucked her, telling her that he wouldn’t let her go until she cleaned it off,  then tossed her back out onto the street with her shredded pants still around her ankles and his baby growing inside her (and my favorite bra was ruined, just by the way.  Which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but y’all don’t understand how hard it was to find good bras when I was 17 and a DD.  Torrid wasn’t a thing back then.  Talk about kicking a girl while she’s down)

But you lost your big fancy house and your wife was mean to you.  Yeah, that sounds terrible.  How in the world did you survive such trauma?

Now, just based on the sheer numbers of women who have had similar experiences, the only logical conclusion is that all men harbor these desires to hurt, rape, or oppress women, and all they want is to take advantage of women, and they’ll do whatever it takes to manipulate a woman into a position where they can force themselves on her.  If men had their way, all women would have their vocal chords removed at birth and be nothing but sex slaves.

And I can totally post links with statistics that prove every single point I made.  So you know it’s true.

And because I was completely screwed over (literally) twice, and had my life turned completely upside down by two different men, no one can blame me for deciding to swear off men completely, for the rest of my life.  No one can blame me for choosing to give those two men, and what they did to me, enough personal power that those experiences have a lifelong effect on me.

Because I am a victim, you see, and I want to continue living life as a victim.  I’m satisfied with that mentality, and see no reason to grow past it.  Those two men haven’t been in my life for more than a decade.  They don’t think about me at all anymore (and one of them is dead), but I have allowed them to have so much power over me, they still influence every decision I make, every opinion I have, every aspect of my life.

And even if I happen to find the rare exception, the rare man who isn’t a rapist, why put myself in a situation like that again?  Why risk having that happen to me a third time?  How can I ever be sure that the guy I decide to date isn’t just pretending to be respectful in an attempt to manipulate me into giving him access to my body?

Nope, it’s better to just swear off men completely and totally isolate myself from half the world, regardless of how impractical that may be.

So what do you think?  Does that sound ridiculous and weak and cowardly and lazy and completely idiotic?  Yeah, I thought so.

Being MGTOW isn’t something to be proud of, dude.  You’re going to let one petty bitch affect you for the rest of your life?  That’s a sign of a victim mentality, and a sign of weakness.