From the other side

This is a guest post written by a trans man who wishes to remain anonymous.  For purposes of discussion, he goes by Omega.

I’ll keep the history short.  We all have different stories, but at the heart of them, they’re all the same.  Our entire lives, we knew something wasn’t right.  We knew something was off.

But I’d learned to live with the Off.  I’d accepted it as part of me.  The bitterness I felt at having the wrong body was the thing I assumed all women felt.  Some hate their thighs, some hate their breasts, some hate their hips or their stomach or their calves or their shoulders.

I hated….

Well, I didn’t really hate it.  Not once I became an adult, anyway.

The woman I was outside was the Off, but she had her uses.  I’d learned how to work with her, how to use her to get what I needed.

And she’s a tough bitch.  She knew how to protect me when I needed it.  She covered me up, she built walls around me to keep out those who would hurt me.

She’s stronger than anyone else I’ve ever met.  And she’s tireless.  A warrior.

Because she’d lived in this world as a woman, and I never really understood what that meant until I set her aside and entered the world as a man.

The things she’s endured, the things she’s dealt with…

There’s honestly no way to comprehend it without living it.

I respect her.  I admire her.  I resent her for existing.  I resent the fact that I needed her for so long.  I resent the fact that I still do.

Because it wasn’t until I was able to pass as a man that I realized just how strong she was.  How strong she was forced to be.

I took advantage of her; I used her.

Because I never knew what it meant to be her.

The truth, the pure and objective truth, is that sexism is alive, and male privilege is depressingly real.

She noticed it before I did.

Because it was subtle at first.  There was so much else going on, I didn’t notice it.  I was too worried about things like going to the public restroom.  But she noticed it.

It devastated me again to realize it.

People speak to me differently than they did to her.  They look at me differently.  They react to me differently.  Cashiers, waiters, car mechanics, the postman, employers, employees, the entire world sees me differently than they saw her.

The amount of respect strangers unthinkingly show me is different than the respect they showed her.  The level of competence people assume I have is different than the level they assume she had.  The way they accommodate me is different than the way they accommodated her.

It’s not everyone, and it’s not every situation, but it’s consistent enough to be a pattern, and the pattern holds true.

I realized how hard she is.  How hard she needed to be.

I realized just how much of the anxiety and dislike of myself wasn’t due to anxiety or depression, but from the way people saw me, the way they treated me.

It’s so unfair, what she had to go through to protect me, the way the entire world shrugged her off as having less worth.  The car mechanics who scoffed at her, the computer and technical repairmen who ignored her, the plumbers and electricians who walked into her home and blatantly disrespected her, the way doctors shrugged her off, the demeaning comments from any man who disagreed with her, the way everyone subconsciously belittled her.

I never even realized it until it suddenly wasn’t there anymore.  I look back on my childhood, on my adolescence, on my young adulthood, and realize that I had been a victim of sexism all my life.

Even she didn’t know the full extent of it.  Not until she saw the difference in the way I’m treated now.

For a long time, I hated her.  I hated her because she wasn’t me, because to me, she represented every lie I had to tell, every secret I had to keep, every part of myself I couldn’t acknowledge.  She was everything about myself I hated.  She was everything about myself that was off.

Now, I realize that she’s the strongest part of me.  Because she had to be.  She had to learn to stand tall when people scoffed at her, when people shrugged her off and dismissed her, when they belittled her, when they told her she was worth less than I am.

She learned how to stand up against those who felt entitled to her body, she learned how to let go and not let their touch haunt her the way it haunted me.  She learned how to protect us from those who saw us as nothing but an object to fuck.  From those who grabbed her on the street, those who sneered at her, who leered at her, who tried to break her.  She learned how to protect us from those who wanted to pull her down and destroy her, from those who wanted to make her less than human.

She learned how to be hard, how to be defiant, how to prove them wrong.  She was everything that was off about me, but she was my protector in a world that hated me not just because I was trans, but because my voice was high and my body was feminine.

And she’s far from the only one.  So many women go through worse than I did.  So many women hurt worse than I did.  I was lucky.  And I’m lucky in that I don’t have to deal with it anymore.

I never truly appreciated the constant battles she had to fight until I didn’t have to fight them anymore.  I never appreciated the strength it took to be her until I saw how much easier it is to be me in our society.

I’ve only been reliably passing as male for a year or so.  I’m still learning who I am outside of her.  And she’s still there to jump to my defense when I need it, because she grew up in a harder world than I live in.

I will always admire the strength it takes to be her, to be every woman.  Even they don’t realize how hard it is to be them, and that makes me angry.

These women have fought these battles every day.

Not against everyone, but against enough.

At least once a day, they are somehow, someway told that they are worth less than men.  But they keep going.  They keep fighting.  They learn how to get past it.

They don’t realize their own strength.  Just as she didn’t realize her own strength.  She didn’t realize what it took to live through a normal life as a woman until she saw how much easier it is to live a normal life as a man.

She resents that.  And so do I.  All the insecurity, all the doubt, all the pain of feeling not good enough, she thought there was something wrong with her.

But no, she was perfect.  She wasn’t me, but she was perfect.  It was society that let her down.  Not any fault or shortcoming of her own.

No man will ever understand the strength it takes to be a woman in a world where women are worth less.  No man will understand the strength it takes to be a woman in a world where no one wants to acknowledge the battles they still fight.

Where people pretend it doesn’t exist.  Where they shrug off a woman, where they brush off her battles.

Women can vote and have bank accounts.  What else could they possibly want?  Why can’t they stop whining?

It repulses me.  It makes me want to turn from the world.

But she’s not heartless.  Because, while I wanted to hate every man for what she went through, while I wanted to sneer at the little trials they thought were just so hard, she was the one who stopped me.

She reminded me that pain is not exclusive to women.  She reminded me of the good men who do fight for women.

She reminded me of the women in my life that I admire.  Women like Domina Jen, who are unbelievably strong, who will never understand the true extent of their own strength, who don’t need anyone to hold them up, but who graciously love and respect the good men in their lives.

But even that a battle in and of itself.

Domina Jen made a mistake once.  She let me see the contents of her email inbox.  And that brought on a whole new wave of bitterness.

Because I will never again have to deal with what she deals with.  The things she considers normal, the threats and the insults that she and everyone around her dismiss, the nonchalance people who love her feel at the way she’s treated, even her own simple, graceful shrug, saying, “That’s just the way it is.”

It infuriated me.  Because it’s not fair.  And who is going to stand up for her?  Who is going to fight for her?  Who is going to let her lean on them the way I could lean on her?

Who could she lean on when the weight of holding me up got to be too much?

No one.

And the internet is only one small facet, one small glimpse of what it’s like to walk through life like this.

A constant and cruel punishment for the unforgivable crime of having a high voice and feminine body.

No man fully understands what paying for that crime feels like, and how deeply it hurts to be met with the dismissive, apathetic attitude so many men exhibit.

Because they don’t want to see it.  They are uncomfortable with being confronted by it.  They are uncomfortable realizing how much harder things like going to the bank or getting your oil changed or running a business are for women.

There’s no rest for these women.  I escaped it, and seeing it from the outside made me realize how bad it really is.  But for the rest, there’s no escape.

I wanted to be angry forever.  I wanted to lose myself in my anger.  And even Domina Jen couldn’t snap me out of it.

But she could.

She was the one who reminded me what it feels like to love a good man.  She was the one to remind me what it feels like to have a good man love me.

She kept me from getting cold.  She kept me from letting the bitterness consume me.

The same way she kept me from letting the bitterness consume me when she had to be my mask.

I know that one day, I won’t need her anymore.  I’ll be able to put her in a little box, close it, and lock it forever.  I’ll be able to leave her behind and move ahead as me.

But that box will always be close to my heart.  Because she saved me, every moment of every day, and she will continue to save me right up until the moment I don’t need her anymore.

It’s isolating, seeing the world from both sides, and it’s why I have gravitated to other trans people.  Because I’m not the only one who sees it.  All trans men see this.

Trans women see the reverse, and my heart hurts for them.  Because they have no way of understanding this world they’re coming in to until they walk into it.

Because transitioning is awful enough, it is anxiety-inducing and depressing enough, without having to come to terms with this new reality.  Having to understand that being true to who they are means that the world will forever see them as less than their mask.

It makes me cynical, but she won’t let me lose all hope.  She stubbornly hangs on, reminding me that giving up never made anything better.

One day, it will be better.  I have faith in good people.  I have faith that good people won’t give up.

I have faith because I know that she isn’t the only fighter around.

Obedience revisited

So I’ve had a few conversations over the last few weeks on the concept of abuse.  And with my last story, more than one person was surprised at the level of obedience in the sub.

A fellow Domme even scoffed at the idea of a sub being that obedient when it’s something he doesn’t want to do.

… Um, what?

There are subs who don’t obey their Owners?  There are Dominants who don’t expect their subs to obey them?

Is this actually a thing?

Maybe I’m just weird, but obedience is kind of a big deal with me.  Like, that’s one of the biggest requirements I have.

I expect to be obeyed.  If I don’t have complete confidence in being obeyed, I’m not interested.

Sounder expressed similar sentiments when I told him about it.

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One of the many reasons I adore him.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I expect from my subs.  And what I think all subs who are not at this point should aspire to.

Does that mean you can’t have limits?  Of course not.  Sounder has limits.  Star has limits.  And both of their limits are absolutely respected, without question.

Does it mean you have to obey a command that is dangerous or illegal or something that you can’t or shouldn’t obey for whatever reason?  Of course not.

There’s a difference between obedience and mindless obedience.  I don’t want mindless obedience, or mindless anything.

My subs have incredible minds and wonderful personalities.  I don’t want to take that away from them.  They’re strong people, I wouldn’t be able to take that away from them if I tried.

If there’s a reason why they can’t or shouldn’t obey me, they tell me.

But “I don’t wanna” is not a good enough reason, folks.

If there’s a reason they can’t or shouldn’t obey me, they need a better reason than “I don’t feel like it.”

For example, if I show up at Sounder’s house after work tomorrow with a man, and tell him to get on his knees so the man could use his mouth, it’s pretty safe to assume he’s not going to want to do it.

But he’s going to do it.

Now, if there’s a reason why he can’t do it, or he shouldn’t do it, that’s a different story.  Maybe he just had dental surgery.  Maybe he’s had migraines all day.  Maybe he’s got the flu.  Maybe his mom is on her way over to his house to have dinner right at that moment.  Maybe he has to be at a work dinner in 30 minutes, and he just came home to change.

I mean, there are a million legitimate reasons why he can’t or shouldn’t obey that command.  And of course he should tell me if there’s anything like that.

Another example was this past Monday, when I went to his house.  I’d told him I wanted us to go to the salon and get pedicures, because he’s eventually going to go dressed as a girl, and we’ll have a girls’ day at the spa.

But because I’m nice, I told him he can wear his boy costume the first time.  And I told him we were going to go on Monday when I got there, and then we’d go back to his house, he’d get out of his boy costume, and we’d do other fun things.

And he immediately tensed up about it.  After explaining his reasons, I asked him if it was a hard limit.  He said no, it wasn’t, but with everything else happening that night, the added stress of a situation he wasn’t comfortable with, coupled with the time it takes him to get dressed up and beautiful for me, would be an edgy, negative kind of stress that could impact the evening.

Which was a really good point.  There was going to be enough else to make him anxious and nervous, and I didn’t want him tense and anxious, so I dropped it, and told him we’ll do it another night.

Easy enough.

Now tact matters.  How you say it matters.  Had Sounder just flat-out told me no, I wouldn’t have been super pleased.  He didn’t tell me no, and he didn’t tell me some version of “I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t wanna.”

He explained, clearly and respectfully, what the consequences of obeying me would be.  I agree with him, that those were not awesome consequences, so I agreed that it wouldn’t happen.

And the way he handled it, and every situation like it, is exactly what I want.

If he hadn’t said anything, and just done what he was told, knowing it would stress him out and impacted the rest of the night, I would’ve wondered what went wrong, and how to fix it.  I probably would’ve told him that he needs to tell me when those kinds of situations come up in the future, so we can avoid it happening again.

If he had flat-out refused, if he had responded with, “No, I’m not doing that,” I would’ve been really, really annoyed.

I’ve been told I’m just slightly unpleasant when I’m annoyed.  Most people who know me try to avoid that.

So either of those options would not have been what I wanted.  Sounder did exactly what he was supposed to do.  He didn’t mindlessly obey me, and he didn’t disrespectfully tell me no.

And yes, I am 100% confident in his obedience.  I can relax, knowing that I’m not going to have to strong-arm him into doing what I want.  I can just enjoy his presence, I can enjoy tormenting him and hurting him and degrading him and all the things I love doing to him.

In his mind, there’s no option but to obey me.  If there’s not a legitimate reason why he can’t or shouldn’t, it’s just not an option.

And that mindset frees him up to just truly experience what I do to him.  He can enjoy the nice things I do to him, and he can endure the not-so-nice things I do to him.  It feels deeper, more real, because he doesn’t have that little voice in the back of his mind urging him to tell me no.

I enjoy fucking with his mind, I enjoy taking him on these crazy mental and emotional roller coasters, I enjoy playing with emotions like fear and dread and humiliation.

And he can let go and simply enjoy the ride.

Let me clarify

So based on comments, messages, and emails I’ve gotten, it appears that I wasn’t quite as clear in my Wake-Up Call post as I could’ve been.

So to clarify: No, I am not saying that a submissive man should have to come out to his vanilla friends, or his family, or in his professional life.

Who he is in the bedroom really isn’t anyone’s business, and if he doesn’t want them to know, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I was talking specifically about a submissive man being out at a kink event only.  Such as a munch, or a play party.  A place with other kinky people.  Not vanilla people.  Not people he knows.

And no, despite (extremely) popular opinion, going to a kink event as a submissive man will have no effect on a man’s vanilla life, either personally or professionally.  Kazander learned that, himself, when he saw one of his coworkers at a munch.  Literally zero effect on his professional life or on his career.

I mean, if someone were to see their parents or something at a munch or play party, that might be awkward, but you’d actually be surprised how often that sort of thing happens.

Because think about it:  If you’re at a munch, everyone at the munch is there for the same thing.  It’s the same reason I’m not worried if someone I know finds the blog.  Because they’d have to read a lot of the blog to figure out who I am, and at that point, they can’t judge me when they’re spending that much time reading a Femdom blog.

Someone at a munch cannot judge you for being at a munch.

And also, despite (extremely) popular opinion, you are not required to write “SUBMISSIVE MAN” on your forehead when you go to a munch, m’kay.

I mean, 99% of the people Kazander and I spoke to at munches knew what our dynamic was, but most of our conversations were just vanilla conversations about normal things.

For example, there’s a woman at the mixed group that I don’t talk to a lot, but only because we hang around in different smaller groups.  I love her to death, she’s adorable, and I love talking to her.

Four years into us going to the munches regularly (and to the local dungeon, when it was open), she hugged me as we walked in.  Kazander went to the bar to get me a drink, and when he left, she said, “So what do you call him?  Your Sir?  Your Daddy?”

I laughed and said, “I call him my bitch.”

Four years, I’d known her, and after four years, she thought he was the Dom, and I was the sub.  Because he is large and intimidating, and can be rather intense, while I’m more laid-back and relaxed.

And also because it’s just not advertised.  I don’t need to lead him around with a collar and leash, okay.  I don’t need to make it obvious.  A munch is in a vanilla place.  No one makes it obvious.  Obvious shit like leading someone around on a collar and leash is actually frowned upon at munches.

So you can go to a munch without shouting from the rooftops that you’re a submissive man.  And again, everyone else at the munch is there for the same thing.

And the vanilla people at the venue, who aren’t part of the munch, don’t know what’s going on at all.  I’ve been to tons of munches at bars, restaurants, even a coffee shop, and none of the vanilla people ever knew.  We don’t dress in leather or fetish wear, okay.  We’re just a group of people hanging out.

There is literally no negative effect on one’s vanilla life.  There just isn’t.

I mean, think about it.  In Nevada, BDSM is illegal.  You cannot consent to be hit, in any way, shape, or form, under any circumstances.  Which is why we don’t have dungeons here.

So forget about submissive men for a second, and just look at Dominant men.  If a negative effect on one’s vanilla life were possible, it’s actually the Dominant men in this state that would suffer the most for it.  Because they’re the ones who are literally committing crimes behind closed doors.

They still go to munches.  Because going to a munch no effect on one’s vanilla life.  Like, I’m not making this shit up.  It’s true.  Going to a munch will not have any sort of impact on your vanilla life.  Going to a munch as a submissive man will not have any sort of impact on your vanilla life.

It just won’t.

The other thing I take issue with is a submissive man refusing to introduce his significant other to his friends or family because she is his Dominant, and he has an irrational and unfounded fear that someone will find out.

Which, unless your Dominant is completely psychotic (in which case, why did you offer your submission to her in the first place?), is not ever going to happen.

For example, when I moved in with Kazander, I would’ve had a serious issue if he refused to introduce me to his friends or family, despite the fact that we were living together.

And no, that doesn’t mean I would expect him (or any submissive) to introduce me as his Dominant.

I mean, what are people expecting?  How do you think that conversation would go?

“Yeah, Jen, these are all my drinking buddies.  Guys, this is my Mistress.  She owns me.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all.  Yeah, I totally bent him over and fucked him up the ass last night.  Did we get here in time for happy hour?”

I mean, seriously?

But this is apparently what a hefty chunk of submissive men actually think is going to happen.

When Kazander introduced me to his family and friends, he introduced me as his girlfriend.  When I introduced him to my vanilla friends and family, I introduced him as my boyfriend.

There is no negative effect of introducing your girlfriend to your vanilla friends and family, y’all.

And again, what we are and what we do in private is no one’s business.  Kazander’s family knows that I’m the one “in charge,” but that’s not a novel or unique thing.  Plenty of vanilla relationships are more or less “run” by the female partner.

I’ve never let anything slip about him being my sub, in the seven years that I’ve been with him.  As I said in the post, I will go out of my way to protect him from being found out.

And actually, I was talking about that with Sounder recently.  As I’ve said, I am transforming his bed into a pink, lacy, sissy bed.  The bedset actually just got in today, and I can’t wait to put it on his bed.  And eventually, I’m going to turn his entire house into a sissy paradise.

Which he won’t be able to hide from vanilla friends and family.

So I had a couple ideas for things he could tell his vanilla friends and family to explain all the pink.

His friends were easy, and it doesn’t even require outright lying.  Just stretching the truth with a couple little white lies.

Here’s something he could potentially tell his friends and his guy buddies:

Yeah, my girlfriend has a thing for pink.  She keeps bringing stuff over because she likes the way it looks.  She says it turns her on.  Yeah, it’s a little weird.

But you know what?

She’s a woman barely out of her twenties, with the most insatiable sex drive I’ve ever seen.  If she only makes me cum 10 times a week, it’s a slow week.  It’s hard to be upset about pink throw pillows on the couch when you’re mid-blowjob, about to have your 8th orgasm of the week, and it’s only Wednesday.

And aside from the blowjob thing, all of that is true.  Sissifying and feminizing him and his house turns me on.  Forcing him to live in a sissy house is fucking hot.  And I am barely out of my twenties, and my sex drive is pretty damn insatiable.

And because he has multiple orgasms (like a girl), it’s common for him to have more than ten orgasms when I fuck him.  Him having his 8th orgasm of the week on a Wednesday is completely feasible and realistic.

It’s all true.

But a couple weeks ago, he had his adult niece in town, and I realized that the story wouldn’t work for everyone.  Female relatives, female friends, some more conservative guests… there are plenty of potential situations where he probably shouldn’t talk about his girlfriend giving him multiple blowjobs.

So he’d need something else.  And while the story I came up with is not even remotely true, and a bit more involved, it would be much more appropriate for things like sisters/mothers/female relatives/professional associates/whatever.

So I met this girl awhile back.  She was in this horribly abusive relationship, and every time she tried to get away, he just made her life hell, and he threatened to hurt her or her family if she ever went to the cops or got a restraining order or anything like that.

She felt stuck, and didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t just do nothing, you know.  I helped her get away, I protected her from him until she could get on her feet, and eventually he left her alone.

But we started hanging out, and started seeing each other.

She’d been with him most of her adult life, though, so it’s like she’s still not even sure of who she is outside of his influence.  And she’s so nervous about having her voice heard.  So when I found out that she liked pink, and always wanted a place with a lot of feminine touches, I encouraged her to go for it.

But she still doesn’t feel really safe or comfortable at her place, so I let her do it at mine.  And she was just kept down so much, you know, for so long, I wanted to just indulge her with this, and let her go nuts.  Having a pink house is annoying, but it’s definitely worth making her feel validated and helping her figure out who she is as a woman.

I mean, who could possibly fault him for that?  Not only is it plausible, but it totally makes him look like the hero.  He could tell that story, and everyone who hears it will think he has a pink house because he’s a knight in shining armor who rescued the damsel in distress, and sacrificed his own comfort and personal taste to help a woman feel good about herself.

But of course, he would know the truth.  He’d know that he has a pink house because he’s a sissy bitch.

The point is that I don’t expect any submissive man to come out in his vanilla life, to his vanilla friends.  There’s no point to it.  I’m not out to most of my vanilla friends, or my family.  Because why?  Whose business is it what I do with my subs behind closed doors?

None of Kazander’s friends or family know what we do in private, and I have no desire to change that.  As far as everyone thinks, I’m his wife.  And as far as everyone thinks, it’s a normal, monogamous relationship.

When I meet Sounder’s vanilla friends and family, none of them are ever going to know what we do in private.  As far as everyone will think, I’m his girlfriend.  And as far as everyone will think, it’s a normal, monogamous relationship.

Well……….

Except for one, that is.

Because I’m going to meet his guy friends, and get to know them a bit.  Then, I’m going to pick one.

I have a specific set of criteria he’ll have to meet, a specific personality type, a specific physical type, a specific mentality and attitude.

Once I find the one who meets that criteria, I’m going to pull him aside, when Sounder isn’t around.

And I’m going to arrange something very, very fun.

Allow me to set the scene.  I’m at Sounder’s house, with him dressed in his lovely sissy clothes, kneeling on his pink sissy bed.  I’m going to blindfold him and put noise-canceling headphones on him.

Then, I’ll go and open the front door, and let the friend in.  I’ll lead the friend upstairs, to see Sounder tied up, dressed up, and on his knees.

And Sounder will suck his dick.  And swallow his load, obviously.

Then, I will leave Sounder there and walk the friend out before untying him and taking the blindfold off.

And Sounder will have no idea which of his friends have shot their load in his mouth.  He’ll never know which of his friends have seen him in all his sissy glory.

And, as he pointed out when I described that scenario to him, in great, glorious detail, even if he suspected who it might be, it’s not like he could ever ask the guy about it.

So I mean, one of his friends will know.  Which is going to be so amazingly, wonderfully, incredibly awesome.

But, you know, no one else will know.

My point is that no, you don’t have to out yourself in your vanilla life.  That’s not what I was saying.

I was saying that refusing to go to or accompany your Domme to a kink event is a dick move.  And I was saying that refusing to introduce your girlfriend to the other people in your life because of your D/s dynamic is a dick move.

So basically, I’m saying don’t be a dick.

Why idiots are idiots

So this was the original answer I’d written for the comment left on my Feeding the Troll post.

It’s no secret that many within the Maledom and the vanilla world are less than accepting of male submission.  Attitudes range from indifferent disinterest to impassioned disgust.

The article I linked to described one Dom who curled his lip at a male submissive, and said, “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

And again, my response to this is the same as my response to BBWs who deal with those who look down on them: who the fuck cares?

But when you look at where this attitude comes from, you realize that the mindset is so much more legitimately harmful than just one guy being a judgey asshole.

Now, I will give some men a bit of a pass on this, because in a few very rare cases, there is actually a legitimate reason for the discomfort.  I know this because I feel the exact same discomfort in seeing a woman dominated by a man (and while I know intellectually that submissive women consent to and enjoy sessions, and can handle seeing a BDSM session with a male Dom and female sub, to this day, I still cannot watch male-on-female rape fantasies, or even rape scenes in movies).

I mean, trauma can happen to literally anyone, man or woman, Dominant or submissive.  No one is immune.  And if a male Dom has experienced trauma at some point in his life, then yeah, I can give him a pass for being uncomfortable with watching it.

Being uncomfortable with watching it and feeling that a submissive man is “letting their team down,” however, are two very, very different things.  And come from two very, very different places.

First of all, it feeds into toxic masculinity, which actively harms all men, across all ages, social, economic, and religious backgrounds, and all races.

I’m actually serious.  We’re only just discovering that men are more prone to depression, simply because until only very recently, all the data we had was on diagnoses of depression.  And since men aren’t allowed to have feelings, of course they’re not allowed to acknowledge depression, much less get it diagnosed and treated.

Men are literally three times more likely to commit suicide than women.  In no small part because you can’t have feelings and be a “real man.”

But the problem is that men are biological human beings.  Biological human beings have human brains, and human brains produce strong emotions, whether those human beings have a penis or a vagina (or both, or neither).

Toxic masculinity is such a fitting name.  It’s seriously toxic.  It is literally killing men.  It is poisoning them from the inside out, and actually killing them.

What’s more, it’s an attack against femininity, as well as masculinity.  Because to these people, FemDom situations are seen as, at best, a joke, and at worst, completely unrealistic because of the belief that a woman could never be capable of leading a man.  And for a man to allow such an inferior being to be in a position of authority over him shows a failure as a man.

But this mindset that submissive men “aren’t real men” demeans women, too.  Because it feeds into that mindset that dominance=masculinity, and submission=femininity.

Which is where you get the idiots like the one who wrote that message, telling me that I’m not a “real woman” because I’m not submissive, and Star isn’t a “real woman” because she doesn’t want a Dominant man.

It’s an attack against masculinity, yes, and a fucking brutal and archaic one, but it’s also seen as a gender stereotype, in which submission is a feminine trait and femininity is inherently inferior to masculinity.

Which is not exclusive to BDSM, by the way.  It’s exactly why my daughter is allowed to and encouraged to like “boy” things.  People are proud of her when she talks about Superman, or how much she likes watching The Avengers or Deadpool (yeah, I know, I know.  Don’t feel like getting into the why-I-let-my-5-year-old-watch-Deadpool discussion right now).

My best friend has a son, whom I adore.  And it broke my heart when my friend told her preschool-age son he couldn’t have a babydoll that he wanted.

I said to her, somewhat angrily, “What are you worried about?  That he’ll grow up and want to be a dad?  The unmitigated horror!”

She said, “No, it’s not that.  Everywhere he goes, he’ll be ridiculed if he carries a doll around.  What’ll happen when he goes to school and the kids find out he has a doll?”

And I mean, I was just so heartbroken.  She’s teaching her son that femininity is shameful.  That a real man, a strong man, must not want or like or appreciate anything even remotely feminine.  Otherwise, he is not a real man.

My daughter is allowed to like cars, and superheroes, and dinosaurs, and the color blue (and dark blue is actually her favorite color).  She is allowed to like masculine things, and take pride in the fact that she likes masculine things.

My friend’s son is not allowed to like dolls, or kitchen sets (despite the fact that the vast majority of professional chefs are men, and it’s very much a male-dominated field), or princesses, or the color pink.  He is not allowed to like feminine things, and if he does, it is shameful.

Has no one wondered why that is?

Do any of you in the US remember how the entire country went fucking ballistic when a magazine showed a picture of a mother and young son, and the boy’s fingernails were painted?

Everyone thought it was just terrible to allow a happy little boy to express himself howeverthefuck he wants, whether it’s “boy” or “girl” stuff.

God forbid a little boy has the inner strength to tell society, “Fuck off, I’m doing what I want to do.”

We can’t have boys growing up to be strong men who are confident and sure of themselves, and accepting of themselves as well as other people who may not fit the current societal norms.  That’s just unacceptable.

We need sheep.

Seriously, those people disgust me.  Because they’re not going ballistic when a girl does something masculine.  Only when a boy does something feminine.

And none of them have stopped to think why.

Wanna know why?  I’ll tell you why.

It’s because you think femininity is shameful.  Pretty it up all you want, you can’t hide the truth.  You don’t mind women exhibiting masculine behaviors because masculinity is seen as a positive thing, and the girl who shows masculine behaviors is seen as “strong,” and “tough,” and “just fucking great.”

Because she is rising above the “inferiority” of femininity and making herself better.  That’s why you see the car mechanics girls and the karate girls and the chess genius girls on the talk shows.  They’re rising above their station, and they’re worthy of attention.

You never see feminine little girls get that kind of attention.  You never see the youtube videos of the little girl who sews intricate princess dresses from scratch go viral the way the videos of the little girl football player who runs circles around the boys do.  You never see the little girl with incredible knowledge of fashion get on the talk shows the way the black-belt karate girls do.

Because femininity is shameful.  It’s tolerated in girls, because I mean, they’re girls.  Most of them can’t be expected to rise above their biology.

So we accept it in girls.

We sure as hell don’t encourage it or celebrate it the way we do masculinity, though.

But for boys, it’s even worse.  Because they had the great fortune to be born male, they’re held to higher expectations.  Masculinity isn’t a “bonus” for them, that makes everyone fawn over them the way they fawn over girls.  It’s an expectation.

It’s special when a girl rises from the inferiority of feminine behavior.  It’s expected for a boy to do it.  Because he’s better than that.  Because he’s a boy.

And should he lower himself by wanting to exhibit feminine behaviors, then he’s confused, or just going through a phase, or maybe there’s something developmentally wrong with him.

But if a parent actually allows and encourages that kind of weakness in a boy?  Especially a father???

It’s just unspeakable.  It’s a father’s job to teach his son how to be a man.  It’s a father’s job to teach him that he isn’t allowed to like feminine things, because he’s a man, and men are above something as shameful and weak as femininity.  It’s a father’s job to teach his son that femininity is something to be ashamed of, and even a hint of any sort of feminine behavior will make him less of a man.

It’s a father’s job to teach his son how to be a real man.  And create another generation of sexist, misogynistic pigs.

Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.  If any of my followers buy into that stupid shit, that boys shouldn’t be allowed to be feminine, go ahead.  Tell me your reasons.  Tell me how you pretty it up, how you convince yourself that you’re not a sexist, misogynistic pig.

My best friend is no exception.  Because she is perpetuating the idea that femininity in a man is shameful, and her son must hide these desires and impulses (such as a desire to be a parent.  I mean, the horror of a little boy fantasizing about growing up and protecting and caring for his child, and being a good father!  It’s the stuff of nightmares, and it’ll destroy society as we know it), and that such things are worthy of ridicule.  She is actively teaching her son that femininity, and all feminine roles and behaviors (such as child-rearing), is something to be tolerated (but not celebrated) in a woman, and looked down upon in a man.

Whatever her reasons are, when you boil it down, that’s what you have.  She views femininity in her son as shameful, so she must protect him from having those shameful attitudes and behaviors discovered.

It’s because, regardless of whether you’re a boy or girl, masculinity is seen as a positive thing, while femininity is seen as something to be ashamed of.

And when you add that attitude to D/s, you see the exact same thing.  To these people, submission is seen as feminine, and feminine = inferior.

I mean, the entire thought process is wrong, because Dominance and submission are not inherently masculine or feminine.  One has literally nothing to do with the other.  But that’s a different argument.

So I mean, the Dom mentioned in the article, who buys into this kind of attitude, is actively harming both men and women.  Including the women he may own, associate with, or play with.  Because how can you respect someone you see as inferior?  How can you care about, protect, and love someone you think could never be on your level?

And we cannot deny the strong probability that much of the discomfort at seeing a submissive man comes from the same place as the discomfort of seeing a female Dominant: they see it as a threat to their own masculinity.

In those cases, the men are not confident enough in who they are.  They are afraid of and intimidated by strong women, and unable to confront and accept their fear, so they push it off on others.  They choose to believe that only weak men can be submissive.

Because that’s easier to accept than being confronted by the fact that submissive men don’t share those insecurities, and that submissive men are confident enough and sure enough about who they are, that they’re not intimidated by strong, powerful women.  They can hold their own with such women.  They can meet her strength and intensity fearlessly and without hesitation, while these “Doms” cannot.

And again, this is not something that is exclusive to BDSM.

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Exhibit A: I submit President Petulant Child completely intimidated by and unable to handle German Chancellor Angela Merkel.  Here we see him utilizing the “If I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist” defense. He looks like a scolded child.  I like to imagine it’s because she told him he’s the USA’s Hitler.  Except, you know, orange.  Although interestingly enough, his face is quite pink in this picture.  Because he’s that intimidated by her, the color literally rises in his face.  Which, by the way, I find hilarious.

And I also just want to take a moment to go on a tangent, because I haven’t seen anyone else notice this.  But look at their body language.  She’s got her leg crossed toward him, her shoulders rotated toward him, and is leaning toward him.  Her hands are relaxed, there is space between her fingers, and she is looking directly at him, her head in a neutral position (she is neither leaning her head down, looking up at him, nor holding her head up, looking down at him).

Meanwhile, we see that the Child in Chief’s hands are together, his fingers close together, and pointing down.  He is also subtly leaning away from her, his lips are tight, his head slightly lowered, and his eyes downcast.

And I want to take a minute to talk about what that means.  Her body language conveys confidence, engagement and self assurance.  The fact that she’s leaning toward him, while he leans away, is a display of dominance, most noted by just how much she leans toward him.  She is displaying signs of feeling completely comfortable and sure of herself in his presence, while he is showing multiple signs of insecurity.

She is completely dominating this situation, and she knows it.  The fact that her hands and fingers are relaxed shows that she’s comfortable and secure, and space between her fingers is a sign of dominance, confidence, and even a territorial attitude.  She knows damn well that she intimidates the ever-loving fuck out of him, and she doesn’t have a single problem in the world with that.

But the most pronounced thing is the position of Prima Donald’s hands.  That position is called “Steepling,” and when fingers are pointed upward or outward, is the single most obvious display of confidence and self assurance.  So much so, that it’s the one position that doesn’t need to be taken in context with the rest of the body language.

His fingers, however, are pointed downward, and the steeple is upside down.  This is one of the most obvious signs of insecurity, and even fear.  When combined with the rest of his body language, it’s more than clear that he simply cannot handle her confident, dominating energy.

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And one more, because I just love this picture.  I love the expression on her face.  You can see that she’s totally thinking, “Holy hell, this is one pathetic, desperately-overcompensating manchild.  It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.”  Also, you see that her head is tilted slightly upward (now looking down at him), with the condescending smirk and her hands clasped together with thumbs out and fingers interlaced, which shows frustration and annoyance.  By this point, she has lost any semblance of respect for him as a man.  She sees him as pathetic, weak, and beneath her, and sees this whole thing as a waste of her time.  Meanwhile, he’s clasping his hands together, fingers not interlaced, which is a self pacifying gesture seen when one is uncomfortable or nervous.  And his head and eyes are still lowered.  I know nothing about Chancellor Merkel, but I’m instantly a fan.

So I mean, that’s a relatively common thing.  Insecure men are easily and often intimidated by strong women.  Insecure male Dominants will act the same way the Jersey Shore reject acted in Chancellor Merkel’s presence: avoidance, belittlement, and attempts to push the insecurity and discomfort onto others.

Or perhaps they harbor their own submissive feelings, but lack the inner strength to break free from society’s expectations (which, as I will explain later, is more likely than you might think.  Male submission is way more common than the average person realizes).  Perhaps they resent submissive men for possessing the strength they lack.  I’ve actually known a fair number of these men.  They’re quite common.

They’re drawn to BDSM because they have those desires, they have those fantasies.  But they are too weak to accept themselves, and societal norms dictate that they must be Dominant, because they’re men.  So they fall into that mold.

They know it doesn’t fit, though.  They know they’re unhappy, they know there’s something missing.  And when they see a submissive man, and are confronted with that man’s ability to be himself, to feel comfortable in his submissive skin, and to feel fulfilled in that role, it breeds resentment.

And because they believe that submission=femininity and femininity=inferiority, so submission=inferiority, they are uncomfortable with the idea of a submissive man being stronger than they are, so they choose to warp their mindset to protect their ego, and see the submissive man as weak.

I’ve had the unimaginable honor (and it was an honor, just ask him yourself) of speaking to one of the more vocal of these assholes, a man here in town well known through all local groups.  Everyone knows this guy’s name.  Everyone knows what a psycho he and his cult members are.

And I was lucky enough to learn firsthand just how easily intimidated he is by any woman who is not a complete doormat, and how badly he handles feeling intimidated.  His ego and his self image are so fragile, all I literally have to do in order to threaten him is exist.  That, he sees as a personal threat to who he is.  And when I politely but firmly refused to call him “Sir,” he just didn’t know how to handle it.  The only thing he could think of to do was to get hostile.

But he’s one guy, and the group he runs is small.

His is one of the most well-known names in town, but he and his followers comprise a wholly insignificant percentage of the local community.

These people are not the majority.  They’re just the loudest.  And, like with pretty much every large group in the history of humankind, the loudest are usually the craziest 0.5% of any given population.

But because they’re the loudest, most assume that they speak for the majority.

They don’t.

And what’s more, submissive men are actually in high demand.

They’ve done studies and polls with vanilla straight women, and found that literally a quarter of them prefer a more submissive partner.

And relationships are significantly more successful when there is a clear power dynamic (although it doesn’t matter which partner has the power).

You will always have people who say that women are meant to be dominated, and that to deny that is to deny evolution.  You’ll always have people who say shit like the stupid bitch said.  But the numbers are consistent, and the numbers don’t lie.

This study looked at two samples of BDSM kinksters, one in California, and the other in the Netherlands.  And there, they found some interesting things among women in liberal US culture, as opposed to Dutch culture (which I’m not saying is oppressive, I’m just saying that you don’t get much more socially liberal than California).

In both samples, the number of men who identified as exclusively submissive were about the same.  33% of Dutch men and 26% of American men identified as submissive.

Which in itself is a big deal, m’kay.  When submissive men make up a quarter to a third of the BDSM population, it might be time to retire the stupid stigmas.

But they found that only 8% of Dutch women identified as Dominant, while 30% of American women identified as Dominant.

So that was interesting (but misleading, but I’ll get to that).  And it showed that a significant number of men in the kink world are exclusively submissive.

There was another poll done with sexual fantasies that found something pretty interesting, as well.  While more men entertained dominant fantasies than women, and relatively few women entertained Dominant fantasies at all, the number of men who entertained submissive fantasies was much higher than expected.

Men like the male-submissive fantasy more than the male-dominant fantasy; 66% of men have submissive fantasies at least half the time.

Well over half of men have these fantasies.  Literally the majority, m’kay.

So why are they so badly ostracized?

You mentioned it yourself: The media.  But mostly because people are sheep.

The media generally sucks, but you do have massive outlets like Cosmo Magazine writing multiple articles about pegging, about Femdom power dynamics, and about toxic masculinity in regards to sexual desires (like pegging, or wanting to be submissive).

And millions of women are reading these. I mean, granted, Cosmo’s audience is late teens and early twenties, so the already-established bigots aren’t seeing them, but it’s my experience that all you can really do with bigots is hope they don’t reproduce before they die, anyway.

You also have the Huffington Post, who published a very-watered-down-but-still-decent article about the stigma surrounding submissive men, and how we as a society need to stop judging them.

This article looks specifically at powerful men in positions of authority, and how such men often have these desires.  They touch on the psychological effects of professional and social power, and how it tends to lead to a reduction of inhibitions and a decreased need for social conformity.  It cites a couple of different studies that show statistics on powerful men who are sexually and/or romantically submissive, and how these men are less sexually inhibited, and also put less weight on current societal gender norms, in no small part because of the effects of power on the human mind.

So not all media is bad.  And the more we speak out about male submission, the more we educate the public, the faster that stigma will fade.

Still, though, the single piece of advice I have for all submissive men who are unsure is to go to a munch.

I’m serious, and there’s a very real reason for it.

Because the very few men who actually do go to munches and events, depending on the group, are practically fucking celebrities. The first group Kazander and I joined was a mixed group, but mostly male Doms and female subs. There were 5 female Dommes who regularly attended.

Want to know how many male subs regularly attended? Including Kazander?

One. Kazander.

And he was always so popular among the Dommes. I mean, they all knew he was owned and never “tried anything” with him, they were all mostly awesome women. But he never wanted for women’s attention while he was there.

And don’t get me wrong, I adore my husband, but I can also admit that he is no Brad Pitt.

But try telling those Dommes that. Because it’s just that rare for a submissive man to come to a munch.

Groups that are exclusively Femdom do have a lot more male subs show up. But the vast majority are in their 60s or older. Which is awesome, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I’ve made some great friends with them, and have thoroughly enjoyed playing with one or two of them. They’re fantastic men.

But, while I was the youngest Domme in that group, it wasn’t by much. And as a 29-year-old Dominant who generally prefers men in the 40-50-ish age range, give or take a few years, I was just shit out of luck. The entire time I helped run the group, not a single sub under 55 ever showed up.

Not one.

And there were quite a few Dommes in their 30s, who may have preferred a sub closer to their age. Can you imagine how popular a man in that age range would be if he went to one of those?

I’ve had a couple of male subs tell me that (again, it depends on the group.  Some groups suck, some are awesome) it’s actually a huge ego boost to go to a munch. Even if it’s a mixed group and there’s just a handful of Dommes, chances are the vast majority of them either don’t have subs, or their subs never go with them.

We’ve all heard that stupid saying:  For every Dominant woman, there are 100 submissive men.

And yeah, that’s true on the internet. Among the men who message a Domme wanting to know her bra size before her name, and asking her to talk down to them while they jerk off before asking how she’s doing.

And when you look at studies like the one above, citing 8% of Dominant women against 33% of submissive men, it can be misleading, and further the notion that there are significantly more submissive men than Dominant women.

I’d even say the 100/1 ratio is conservative.  Based on the messages in my Twitter, email, Fet, and Facebook accounts in the last week, I’d venture that it’s actually closer to double that.

But I swear to you, that’s not even remotely true in real life.

The demand for submissive men is just laughably high. But because so many men see bullshit like this bitch’s comment, and think it’s the majority, they don’t go to munches. Or maybe they’ve had a bad experience in one group with a male Dom or female submissive, and allow that experience to color their perception.

They don’t go, and it’s so goddamn rare to see a Domme with a submissive man.  For example, of all the Dommes I know of here in town, of all the women I’ve seen at the play parties and munches, and have spoken to, want to know how many have a collared male submissive?

Three.  Including me, m’kay.  That ratio of submissive men to Dominant women is not 100/1.  I’d venture a guess that it’s closer to 1/100.

You don’t understand.  They are nowhere to be found.

Both of the mixed groups I belong to, by the way, are nothing but respectful of submissive men.  Kazander and I were married by a male Dom in one of those groups.  Kazander and I have had enjoyable conversations with more than one male Dom in the other group.  And one of Kazander’s really good friends is a submissive woman, who always asks where he is when I go to the play parties without him, and asks me to tell him she misses him.

That is the majority, okay.  Even in most mixed groups.  There are assholes in every group, but the vast majority of male Doms and female subs are completely normal people.

That is what you can expect.

Not psycho-bitch.  Hell, the sheer level of craziness, and the novelty of such craziness, is why I decided to publicly humiliate her.

Dominant women are here.  We’re at the munches, we’re at the play parties, and most of the time, we don’t have a sub of our own.

Because so many of them are just too ashamed to be seen with us.  Because they hear the craziest 0.5% and think it’s representative of the majority.  Because they buy into the bullshit.

We want you. We want you around. We’re going to treat you like a fucking king when you show up, because we want you around.

There are, at least in Vegas, wayyyy more than twice as many Dommes as there are submissive men. And from things I’ve been told, that seems to be about the norm across the country, with some exceptions.

So seriously, I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t let the psychos turn you off from who you are.

There are people who aren’t going to want you.  There are people who aren’t going to respect you.

But there are so many who do.

Wake-up call

I received this comment on my Feeding the Troll post.

Well, thanks for triggering me with what a lot of guys in my age range have always suspected; being, or even just acting submissive, is a major turn-off for women.

*retreats to safe space*

I’m being cheeky here, but I’m bringing up a serious point: Her attitude is something that has kept a lot of guys like me from even bringing up the topic. Or we sound out our partners in these convoluted ways so as not to attract suspicion. Or we play it up for laughs. And even when we have a partner who seems indulgent, we still keep the idea in the back of our heads that she’s just playing along and slowly losing respect for us. And the way submissive men get portrayed in the media certainly doesn’t help.

Oh, and thanks for sticking up for us.

You’re absolutely right.  Bigoted, ignorant idiots are everywhere, and the social stigma surrounding submissive men, particularly in the US, is still going strong.

But I beg you, and every man like you, not to let these idiots discourage you from coming out about who you are.

These idiots don’t just demean and remove value from submissive men, but from all men, and women, as well.

One article discussed the idea of masculinity and submission, and touched on the reasons for so many within the kink community being “uncomfortable” with male submission, including one particular Dom’s reaction: “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

*Edit* Tough fucking love time, because as I was editing and rereading this longwinded shit in my current mood, I decided to add something, and break it up into two posts.  Because before I get into all the psychology and studies and statistics and evidence that shows why idiots are idiots, I want to add something a little more blunt.  

This is directed to all submissive men who have been guilty of the attitudes I’m going to address, not specifically at the commenter or the specific situations he described.  And yeah, I’m in a fucking mood, so this isn’t going to be particularly nice.  Deal with it.  Hopefully this’ll be a wake-up call for at least some of you.

Here’s a life lesson: not everyone is going to be into you.  Not everyone is going to want you.  Not everyone is going to respect you.  But, to paraphrase something I told a BBW who wrote me about the concern that not every man is going to be into BBWs, who the fuck cares?

Welcome to the world of straight women.  We’ve only been dealing with the same thing for a few thousand years.  You think everyone is into me?  You think everyone respects me?  You think no one looks down at me?

You think I fucking care?

You think I care that some straight woman, that I will never fuck or be in a relationship with, thinks I’m not a “real woman?”  You think I care that a shitload of Doms, who I will never be even remotely interested in romantically or sexually, don’t respect me?  In a vanilla equivalent, you think I care that some super fit health nut gets all condescending because I’m a BBW, and tells me I’m not beautiful?

No.  I don’t.

Because A) I don’t base my worth as a person on how strangers view me, and B) there is literally no shortage of people who do think I’m a real woman, who respect me, who think I’m beautiful.  So fuck the people who don’t.  I don’t care.

Dommes everywhere are annoyed as fuck because it feels like submissive men care more about the opinions of strangers, strangers they don’t even want relationships with (like submissive women and Dominant men), than they care about us.  The people who desperately want them.

It’s annoying.  In most cases, it’s damn infuriating.  That Dom said, “I want to say, ‘be a man!'”

Well, I want to tell you all the same goddamn thing.

You have no idea how it feels to be a Domme and constantly feel unwanted because of a submissive man’s insecurity.  You’re all so busy worrying about what strangers will think about you, or what vanilla women will think of you, you don’t even realize that you’re completely snubbing the women who adore you.

You’re so goddamn busy being ashamed of who you are, you don’t even realize that your actions consistently make Dommes feel like you’re ashamed of them.  You’re so worried about vanilla women and submissive women, you’re completely ignoring the millions of women who are at the fucking munches, waiting for you, hoping you’ll grow enough balls to show the fuck up.

And even when you do find a Domme, you’re so busy trying to keep your dynamic a secret, keep her a secret, that you don’t even notice how shitty you’re treating her, how you’re making her feel.

Do you have any fucking idea how tough it is to be a Dominant woman when, not only do the vanilla world and Maledom world not want you, but even the straight sub men are ashamed to be associated with you?

Do you have any idea what kind of strength it takes to continue being who you are when even the men who say they want you are telling you you’re wrong for being who you are?

You bitch about how jaded and rude we are when you message us.  You whine and complain about how hard it is to find a “real Domme.”

Fuck you.

Where do you think that comes from?  How do you think we got so guarded in the first place?

You did it.  You did it by being ashamed of us, you did it by being sexist pigs in your messages to us, continuing the pattern of caring only about yourselves, and your fantasies, and how we can satisfy your desires, while refusing to see us as people.  You did it by insulting us or threatening us when we called you out for being sexist pigs.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from Dominant men in the last year?  Seven.

Want to know how many messages/emails I’ve gotten from submissive men in the last year?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have been disrespectful, or rude, or seen me as nothing but their personal fetish delivery system?  Thousands.

Want to know how many Dominant men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally zero.

Want to know how many submissive men have insulted or threatened me in any of their messages in the last year?  Literally thousands.

When are you going to wake the fuck up and realize that the Maledom world isn’t the problem?

The bigots are not the problem.  Bigots exist in every group.  One of you go ask a gay or a trans or a black or a Muslim person how many times they’ve dealt with bigots.

They still have the strength to be who they are in the face of bigotry.  Why don’t you?

Male Doms, even the assholes, are not the problem.  Submissive women, even the bitches, are not the problem.  Vanilla people are not the problem.

You are the fucking problem.

I’ve been a Domme for 15 years.  And for 15 years, I’ve consistently had submissive men be ashamed of me.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t shout from the rooftops that he’s my submissive.  It doesn’t matter that I work hard, and will outright lie, to protect him from being found out.

Because A) our private life is no one else’s business, and B) his ego is too fragile to handle being found out.  So I work to keep it from happening.  And there is nothing I won’t do or say to protect him.

I will imply that he’s the dominant partner in a vanilla relationship, and if it’s discovered that we’re kinky, I’ll say he’s the Dom (once, when an ex’s sister found a pink collar with the word “Bitch” on it in rhinestones, and he panicked, I told her that he was the Dom, and I was the sub, and I wore the collar.  That’s the most extreme, but it’s not the only time I’ve claimed to be the sub).

I’ll tell his friends I suck his cock every day, or that I let him fuck me in the ass.  I’ll change details of real stories to make him seem like “the man,” like I did when Kazander told his friends I’d arranged to have a stripper suck his cock.  I’ll tell his family that I hurry to fulfill his every beck and call, which is why Kazander still brags to his family and friends that he never changed a diaper.  I’ve overheard his guy friends tell him he has me well trained.  I don’t care.  You know, it’s the whole I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think-of-me-thing, and the my-self-worth-is-not-tied-into-other-people’s-opinions-of-me thing.

Some of his guy friends think I’m a pushover.  Some of them, because of things he’s said and things I have said and done, don’t respect me at all.

Go ahead.  Ask me if I care.

I do all that, I go that far out of my way, and I will continue to do it, because I can handle it.  I can handle people, even people I see and interact with on a regular basis, even relatives and family friends, not thinking highly of me.

I will always do it, with every sub who needs it, because he is worth it to me.  Because I care more about him than I do anyone else.  And I’ve been dealing with it for 15 years.  It’s nothing for me to deal with it.  I recognize that it’s not nothing for someone who has never dealt with it to be thrown into that.  So I will happily and proudly protect him.  As long as that’s enough, I’m content and happy.

But most of the time, that’s still not enough.  He’s still too ashamed.  Both of himself, and of me.

“No!  No one can ever know about you!  What if someone finds out?  What if something happens?  What if something slips out?  What if someone walks in on us?  What if someone finds out that I like pick-a-fetish?  I just can’t handle it.  I can’t be proud and unapologetic of who I am!  I have to be like everyone else, so people don’t make fun of me!”

You deal with that fucking bullshit for 15 years, and then you tell me how I shouldn’t be jaded and guarded when I get messages from people I don’t know.  You deal with being someone’s dirty secret for 15 years, and then you tell me I’m being too hostile.

Go on.  I’ll wait.

Fuck the vanilla world and the Maledom world.  You’re the ones we care about.  And you’re the ones who are hitting us the hardest.  Because you’re too busy caring about everyone else more than you care about us.

Want to know why the stigma against submissive men is still going strong?  Despite all the shit I’m going to explain, complete with links to the polls and studies, in my next post?

It’s because you’re all ashamed.  You’re too scared and too weak and too pathetic to come out and say it’s okay.

Because you’re too damn weak to stand up and say, “Yeah, this is who I am.  Don’t like it?  Fuck you.”

And that stigma is never going to change as long as you children can’t man the fuck up and be who you are.  You’re all still stuck in high school, worried about being made fun of by the jocks and the cool kids.

No but yeah, keep whining about how hard it is to be a submissive man in today’s world.  Keep telling me how it feels to know that the vanilla world and the Maledom world don’t respect you.  Keep telling me just how awful it is.

And then go to a munch, and look at all the Dominant women there, and count how many of them have a submissive man willing to be seen in public with them.  Count how many of them have met their sub’s friends and family.  Count how many of them have ever been seen as anything more than a dirty fucking secret.

Count how many submissive men are proud to be with the women who want them.

Seriously, many of you are even worse than the bigots.  And you’re too busy being self-centered, insecure children to even notice what you’re doing to the women who love you.

So yeah, that Dom had the right idea.  Be a fucking man.

If I’m man enough to be myself despite the fact that a hefty chunk of the population disapproves, if I’m man enough to tell the world to fuck off when they tell me I shouldn’t be who I am and want what I want, if I’m man enough to break free from the sheep,  then I fucking expect it of the actual men around me.

Lupus non curat iudicia ovium, bitches.  The wolf doesn’t care about the opinions of sheep.

So which one are you?

 

Feeding the Troll

So I’ll just come out and say it. I don’t like submissive men. I don’t like anything about them. I don’t talk to them, I don’t associate with them, I don’t befriend them, I don’t want anything to do with them.  I don’t like when they approach me at events and try to talk to me. I don’t want them.

I want a real man, a strong man who can make me feel like a woman, because as much as you may enjoy pretending you like being the one in charge you can’t fight evolution. We are animals. We have instincts. We have evolved to find that alpha male attractive because he’s our best chance at furthering the species.

We don’t live in caves anymore so people don’t feel those instincts as much. But when you get down to it we both know that if we were living thousands of years ago submissive men would’ve died out and would’ve never been able to reproduce.

I mean I’m a feminist so I believe that a woman has the right to choose her own life. If you want to be with submissive men then that’s what you want. I just don’t understand how any woman could want that.

No woman can feel complete unless she has a strong man protecting her. Women need men to complete us. We have a literal hole inside us that only a man can fill. And that is symbolic of what it means to be a man and a woman. He is designed to fill, and she is designed to be filled. No matter what no one can deny that.

Some random ignorant twat

O00h, this is going to be so much fun.

So let me make sure I’m understanding you correctly.  You’re saying that only Dominant men can be real men, and only submissive women can be real women.  What’s more, only straight Dominant men can be real men, and only straight submissive women can be real women.

Okay, awesome.

I mean, first of all, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.  Submissive men don’t want you, either.

A submissive man wants a real woman, who is capable of challenging him and holding her own against him, instead of automatically just bowing to him and giving in.  He doesn’t want some weak-willed doormat who will just do whatever he says.  He wants a partner who will drive him to be the best version of himself.  Meek, timid, weak little girls bore him.

Wait, but am I making a metric fuckton of (incorrect) assumptions about submissive women?  And what those women have to offer their Dominants?

Look at that, I sure as fuck am.  Just like you are.

I’m doing it to prove a point.  You’re doing it because you’re an idiot.  Subtle differences, you know.

But there is one sentence I said up there that is completely true.  Submissive men don’t want you.  Like, honestly.  They don’t.  If they approach you at events, it’s because they’re trying to be civil, and polite, and friendly, and respectful.

Which, just based on that, makes them exponentially better submissives than you could ever hope to be, and their behavior reflects favorably on their Dominants, while your behavior here does the exact opposite.

I’m serious, I would be ashamed if anyone I owned ever did anything like what you’ve done here.  That relationship would end so goddamn fast, and I’d do everything in my power to distance myself, my name, and my reputation from that kind of psychosis.

I can only assume that you are either owned by as ignorant an asshole as you are (and unfortunately, I do know one of those here in town.  He’s an entertaining guy), or that you’re unowned because every sane Dominant man gets one peek at your special brand of crazy and runs far away, before you have the chance to ruin his reputation.

And honestly, it’s my firm belief that there’s a special place in hell for every submissive woman who gives submissive men shit for being who they are and wanting what they want.

I mean, fuck, you know what it feels like.  I have no doubt you’ve gotten at least some indirect flak, at the very least, from feminazis about being submissive, about “contributing to the Patriarchy” or some ridiculous shit.

You know what that feels like, to be told you shouldn’t want to follow your partner’s lead within a romantic relationship.  You know what it feels like to be told you shouldn’t be who you are.

And yet, you’re turning around and doing the same damn thing to submissive men (and gay people of all genders and orientations, but don’t worry, I’ll get to that).  I mean, that’s just a remarkable level of hypocrisy.

So yeah, you’re just an idiot.  And I can say with relative certainty that any sane Dominant man would be ashamed to be associated with such a backward, psychotic, sexist, homophobic, bigoted bitch.

I mean, don’t just take my word for it.  I have quite a few followers who are Dominant men,  and I urge those men to weigh in here and speak for themselves.  This psycho has no reason to listen to anything I say, because I’m not a “real woman,” apparently.  But she would likely put more weight on the words and opinions of “real men.”

So gentlemen, comment here and tell her yourselves.  She has shown that she will likely not listen to a damn word I say, but perhaps she’ll listen to you.

Oh, and the whole fill-or-be-filled thing is just hilarious.  I mean, I’m sorry, I just had to laugh at that.  That is literally the single stupidest argument I have ever heard for male supremacy.  And I’ve heard plenty of stupid arguments.  None have ever even come close to that, though.  You definitely win that contest.

Someone get this bitch a trophy.

So gay men, who have zero interest in “filling” a woman, aren’t real men?  What about trans men?  Chances are, any given trans man probably has a vagina (since ftm sexual reassignment surgery doesn’t boast the success rate and levels of safety that mtf sexual reassignment surgery does).  Is he “not a real man” because he doesn’t “fill a woman” with a flesh-and-blood penis?

And what about trans women?  Are they not “real women?”  Or are they only “real women” after they’ve completed their transition, and have a vagina, and are straight?

And what about gay women, who have zero interest in “being filled” by a man?  Are they not real women?  Can they never be satisfied or feel “complete?”

You know, I was just with Star yesterday, and she certainly seemed satisfied and complete to me.  I didn’t see her just yearning for a man’s cock to fill her.  And I didn’t see her suffering for lack of a man’s cock to fill her.

Know what I saw?

I saw a confident, vibrant, passionate woman who is sure of herself and knows exactly what she wants, and goes after what she wants.  I saw a woman who doesn’t need to mask her insecurity with misogyny, misandry (I’m actually impressed how you’ve managed to write a message that is filled with both), and homophobia.

She doesn’t need to do that shit.  Because she’s not insecure.  She’s not uncomfortable with who she is.  She’s not unhappy with who she is.  In short, she’s not a judgmental, prejudiced, ignorant, bigoted cunt.

Unlike some people, apparently.

And you know who else isn’t insecure?  Sounder, who I saw this evening.  I didn’t see a weak-willed man who would’ve died out if we still lived in caves (I was actually impressed by that line of logic, too, by the way.  That’s another one I’ve never heard before.  And here I thought I’d heard all the toxic-masculinity, sexist, uneducated, small-minded, anti-submissive-man bullshit.  So I learned something today).

I didn’t see an insecure asshole who needs to push his self image issues on to other people.

Know what I saw?

I saw a confident, self-assured, dynamic man who doesn’t need to go around bragging about what an “Alpha Male” he is, because his actions speak for him.  I saw a man who puts others first, without hesitation, a perfect, chivalrous gentleman, protective and caring, who has an inner strength that never ceases to astound me.

Hell, he’s a sissy, and he’s more of a man than those idiots who run around shouting from the rooftops about their Alpha Male-ness.  No matter how much I feminize him, no matter what I do to him, he will always be more of a man than the type of psychotic Dominant who would approve of your behavior.  He will always put those little boys to shame.

I feel sorry for you, because you’ll never know what a real man, Dominant or submissive, gay or straight, can be.  You’ll never witness the strength, dignity, and compassion that a real man possesses.  All you’ll ever know are the stupid, small-minded, ignorant idiots like you.

That’s not a man, that’s a child.  And you’re not a woman, you’re a scared, insecure little girl.  I pity you.

Because Star is more of a woman than you’ll ever be, and Sounder is more of a man than you’ll ever get.

D/s and depression

Domina Jen

I’d first like to introduce myself, my name is (*edit, we’ll call him Jake from State Farm, because that’s what’s been stuck in my head all day, and he asked to keep his real name anonymous), and I’d like to let you know up front that I’m a male Dominant, relatively new to the scene, I’ve only been really active for a couple of years or so.

I know I’m far from your target audience but your blog is wonderful and I’ve learned a lot from reading it.  It’s quite a bit more honest and open than places like Fetlife.  If you don’t mind, I’d like your advice on a minor situation.

I’m in a relatively new full-time D/s relationship with a wonderful girl who is also a bit newer to the lifestyle.  We’re both sort of learning as we go.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety off and on throughout my life, was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder about ten years ago, and have more or less managed it on my own with little or no help from a professional or medication.  I like to think I’m very self aware and I know my patterns, and the last couple of weeks or so, it has been much harder than usual to manage, and I’m worried that it’s starting to affect my relationship.

I’ve gone all this time without needing to see a doctor or take medication and I really don’t want to break that streak, but I think I might have to.

As of now, my girl doesn’t know.  We’ve only been together about four months, and I’m worried about how this will impact our relationship.  I know I need to tell her, do you have any suggestions for how that conversation should start?  And I know you’ve talked about Dominants being held to high standards, how does mental health figure into that, and should I take a break from the relationship for now?  I really care about her and don’t want to end the relationship, but I’m very worried about hurting her unintentionally.  She deserves the best of me, and I feel awful that I’m failing at giving her that.  If you’re willing, and have time, I’d be extremely grateful for any advice you might give.

Thank you in advance,

Jake

Oh hell…

Well Jake, you’ve stumbled into one of the hardest, most complicated, most convoluted, and ultimately unfair aspects of D/s relationships.

Yes, Dominants should be held to a very high standard.  It’s not supposed to be easy all the time.  It’s supposed to be a challenge, it’s supposed to challenge us to be the best versions of ourselves.  Our subs give us the most precious gift one human being can give another, and they deserve our best selves.  We can’t fail them.

But we’re still human.  We, like all humans, have moments of weakness.  We have moments of doubt.  We have moments where we stumble and fall.  When that happens, it’s our responsibility to make sure we don’t take our subs down with us.

It’s a delicate balance, though.  Because we can’t (and shouldn’t) shut our subs out, and we need to be as trusting of them, and allow ourselves to be as open and vulnerable with them, as we expect them to be with us (much, much easier said than done).

And yes, you do need to tell your sub.  It’s important for subs to understand that we are human, we are going to fuck up once in awhile, and we should not be placed on any sort of pedestal.

This is something I actually learned the hard way, with one of my very first adult relationships.  My primary sub at the time was a very sweet girl a year younger than I was.  She was strong, but a bit fragile and sensitive, and I was 18 or 19, and stupid, and reckless, and dumb, and about as emotionally mature and wise as you’d expect someone that age to be.  I didn’t realize that she’d started to idolize me, and put me up on this pedestal in her head (she was 17 or 18, and about as emotionally mature and wise as you’d expect someone that age to be).

Or maybe I did, but just liked the ego boost, and didn’t realize why it was a bad idea.  It was a long time ago.  I don’t remember.

And, as was inevitable, I fucked up.  I made a mistake (I was so dumb back then), I made a bad judgement call that caused her to feel like I’d let her down.

She was upset because her parents were super pissed off when they found out she was dating me (she’d only recently come out to them).  I consoled her, I supported her, and then I assumed it was over.  She turned to me for support, and I gave it, and then (I thought) we moved on.

Again, I was an idiot, in a whole lot of ways.  But I went out the next night with a bunch of friends, while she stayed home.  The next day, she was inconsolable.

It was insensitive, and cold, and self-centered, and just basically stupid and mean.  I don’t try to defend it.  Yeah, I could say I was a dumb teenager, but that’s just a cop-out.  I was an asshole.  I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt her, but my intentions didn’t matter.  I’d let her down.

A vanilla relationship might’ve survived something like that.

She was crushed.  Completely devastated.  Her image of me was shattered.  And I was young and dumb, I didn’t know how to fix my mistake.  Our relationship ended because I’d let her build me up in her head, and I didn’t see it, didn’t think to adjust it, and didn’t know how to fix it.

Since then, I’ve been more careful.  Her age had a lot to do with her putting me up on a pedestal, but she’s hardly the only one, and there have been people much older than her throughout the years who have tried.  And I’m not (usually) an idiot anymore.  I know better than to ignore it, or to not do anything about it.

I’m telling you this because you’re new-ish, and your sub is new-ish, and particularly in your situation, it’s very, very important that she keep her feet on the ground and that she not put you up on a pedestal.  She needs to be very, very aware of the fact that you’re not perfect, and you’re going to make mistakes.

It’s up to you to make sure she understands that.  You’re the one responsible for setting the tone of the relationship.  It’s crucial.  Make sure she understands it, not just logically, but emotionally as well.  Because if you don’t, and her picture of you is shattered to the point that she can’t recover, that’s going to be on your shoulders.  Just as my relationship ending was on mine.

Okay, so the subject of a Dominant with a mental health issue is a slightly loaded one, at least for me, anyway.  I’m sure a lot of people won’t agree with me, but I’ve discovered that a lot of people are really, really, remarkably stupid (that’s not just one link, by the way.  Each word is a separate link to people being really, really, remarkably stupid.  Just in the past year or so).

Right, so I recognize that everyone’s brand of D/s is unique, there is no one-size-fits-all solution for anything, and a lot of this is my personal, strongly-held, based-in-facts-and-common-sense opinion.

Still opinion, though.

I don’t know you, and I have no idea what kind of relationship you have, so I’m going to do a lot of speculation, and project a lot of my own type of D/s onto your situation.  Take what you will of it, discard the rest.

Depression and anxiety are a couple of real sons of bitches, man.  They can fuck shit up pretty good on their own, and combined, they’re just fucking nasty.  And they don’t discriminate, no one is immune, it can affect anyone.

Dominants included.  Hell, even myself included.  The brain is the most complex organ in our body, and disorders of this particular organ are common across race, creed, social status, economic class, etc.  If you have a brain, you’re susceptible to disorders of the brain.  It happens.

The first step is accepting that it happens, that there’s nothing you can do at the moment to change it (well you can, but that’s not exactly what I mean, and I’ll get to that.  What I mean is you can’t just snap your fingers and not be depressed anymore), and that it doesn’t mean you’re weak, or in any way less.  Would you consider someone who has asthma, a disorder of the lungs, weak?  Fuck no, you wouldn’t.  So don’t think of yourself that way, because you have a disorder of the brain.

Does it suck?  Yeah.  Can you snap your fingers and make it go away?  No.

You really do need to accept it, accept this part of you.  You’re carrying a lot of self blame, thinking that you’re letting your sub down because you have these disorders, and that needs to stop.  Again, you set the tone for the relationship.  You’ve got to let go of that blame.

There’s just no option, you’ve got to do it.

Of course, I know that’s easier said than done, especially with depressive and anxiety disorders, but truly, there is no alternative if you want to be a Dominant in a D/s relationship.  Buckle down, grit your teeth, and get it done.  It’s not going to be easy, and you’ll backslide a bit, and it’s going to suck, but you can do it.

Now, there is a bit of a controversial edge to this subject.  Because BDSM relationships are known for being really, really intense.  Your sub is so vulnerable to you, so open to you, so yielding and accepting of everything you say and do.  With that kind of openness, that kind of vulnerability, you’ve got to be so careful.

A sub sacrifices control for freedom, and a Dom sacrifices freedom for control.  You don’t have the freedom to lose your cool.  Your influence over her is too great, the potential to hurt her is just too much.

A Dominant must, mustmust be in control of himself before taking control of someone else.  With mental health problems, that gets difficult.

Does that mean someone with mental health disorders can’t or shouldn’t be a Dominant?  Eh, that really depends on the individual, but yes, I do believe there are instances where someone is simply not mentally sound enough to take control of another human being.

I don’t think that’s the case with you, but you’re a better judge of that than I am.

The first step is figuring out how to manage it.

Again, you can’t snap your fingers and make it go away.  But you can take steps to manage and treat it to the point that it doesn’t necessarily have to impact your relationship.

*Note*  I am not a doctor, take any advice I give with a grain of salt, and talk to an actual doctor.

I know antidepressants are no joke, man.  SSRI’s are some serious shit, and come with a pretty nasty set of side effects.

But if you’re getting to the point where you can’t manage it on your own, you need to, at the very least, talk to a psychiatrist.  Maybe you don’t need SSRI’s.  Maybe you can do okay with something like 5-HTP or SAM-e (seriously, talk to a freakin’ doctor though).  Or maybe you only need a low dose SSRI for a few weeks, and then you can wean yourself off and be fine managing it on your own again.  I mean, you never know until you talk to a doctor.

But you’ve got to manage it.  If you’re a victim of that toxic masculinity bullshit, with the mindset of “real men don’t need a shrink,” ditch that shit now.

Real men handle their shit.  Real men don’t lie to themselves about what they can and cannot (or should and should not) handle on their own.  Real men aren’t too much of a pussy to ask for help.

You’ve got shit that needs to be handled.  Recognize that managing it on your own is not currently working to an acceptable degree.  Get the help you need, not just from a stranger on the internet with a blog, but from a licensed professional capable of prescribing medication (if necessary).

Hard truth time: Not managing it and being a Dominant is not acceptable.  At-mother-fucking-all.

And sure, there will be people who will disagree with me.  There will be people who think I’m being unfair and discriminatory to Dominants with mental illnesses.

Honestly, those people can suck it.  You don’t have the right to be fair when you’re the one who made the decision to take control of another human being.  If your sub opens themselves up to you, lets you in past their defenses, past their walls, and you unintentionally hurt them because of an untreated mental illness that you knew about, you’re an asshole.

And you’re an abusive asshole.  You knew better.  You knew you needed treatment.  You didn’t get it.  And because of it, you caused another human being, who trusted you, serious harm.

No, that is not, and will never be acceptable.  Dominants are better than that.  You have to be better than that.

And no, it’s not fair.  Submissives don’t necessarily have the same problem when it comes to a mental illness.  They can lean on their Dominant in a way that their Dominant may not be able to lean on them.

But submissives don’t get off easy, either.  They have their own responsibilities to meet in the relationship.  The problem is that meeting those responsibilities makes them more vulnerable to be hurt by a Dominant who is not in complete control.

A submissive must put his (or her) Dominant first.  The Dominant’s needs come first.  Period.  That’s a hell of a lot harder and a hell of a lot more complicated than it sounds.  It’s not easy to do, and in doing it, they trust that their Dominant will take care of them, and make sure their needs are met.  The ability to do that may be negatively affected in a Dominant with a mental illness.

If a submissive isn’t focusing on her needs, and her Dominant isn’t focusing on her needs, that’s a problem.

A submissive is also expected to open up for his Dominant.  Vulnerability is the name of the game.  There is no part of himself, no piece of his mind that is off-limits to his Dominant.  This is an extremely, extremely difficult thing to do.  It takes a lot of trust, a lot of courage, and a lot of strength.

And it doesn’t take a lot to irreparably shatter that trust.

You cannot be in control of someone else if you’re not in complete control of yourself, and if you’re suffering from depression and anxiety, you’re not in complete control of yourself.  You’re at the whim of the chemical imbalances, faulty mood regulation, and seratonin deficiencies in your brain that are fucking up your perception, your motivation, your mentality.  You cannot control it.

You can’t be dealing with all of that, not manage it, and be in control of someone else.  It’s unethical and dangerous.  You can cause serious mental and emotional harm not only to your sub, but to yourself.  Don’t do it.

Does that mean you need to break things off with your sub?  Not necessarily, again it depends on your situation.  If you’re taking steps to manage it and she’s aware of the situation, and aware that there’s the possibility that you may say or do things you shouldn’t, or aren’t feeling “like yourself,” and you both agree to keep things going, then great.  Go for it, I mean it.  PDD is a very treatable condition, anxiety can be worked around, it’s a very doable situation for a lot of people.

There is hope, and you’re far from the first Dominant to face this sort of situation.

I’ll say that again.  There is hope, and you’re not alone.  This can be done.

So after you decide to manage this and deal with it, you’ve got to talk to your sub.  Which won’t be an easy conversation.  It needs to happen when you’re both calm and in neutral moods (don’t start this conversation if she’s had a bad day at work), and don’t have anything on the agenda for the evening.

Sit her down, in private (don’t do this in a restaurant or at a bar or whatever), and be direct and calm.  She can handle it.  You can start off by telling her the same way you told me.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety off and on throughout my life, was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder about ten years ago, and have more or less managed it on my own with little or no help from a professional or medication.  I like to think I’m very self aware and I know my patterns, and the last couple of weeks or so, it has been much harder than usual to manage, and I’m worried that it’s starting to affect [our] relationship.

You can start with that.  Write it down and read it to her if you have to.  Or write it down and have her read it while you sit next to her.  Don’t feel dumb if you have to do it that way, I have literally done that before.  I can organize my thoughts better in writing, and when I’m struggling to say something that needs to be said, writing it and just letting them read it has worked when I’ve been unable to put it in words.

Let her know that you care about her and don’t want to lose her, and you want to be the Dominant she deserves.  Let her know that you’ve got an appointment with a doctor, and you’re going to get it under control.  Ask her to be patient with you while you get it figured out.  Ask her what steps you can take to assure her that you’re there for her.  Ask her what she needs from you.  And if there’s anything you need from her, now’s the time to ask her for it.

So in summation:

Step 1: Get it under control.  Call a psychiatrist today and set an appointment.  Do this and take a concrete step forward.  Trust me, you’ll struggle to find the motivation to do it, but it’ll feel good once you’ve done it.  It’s an accomplishment, and one that will set everything else in motion.  It’ll make you feel good.  Do it.

Step 2:  Talk to your sub.  Write down what you want to say beforehand so you don’t get flustered and forget.  Keep it short and simple.  Read it to her if you have to, or have her read it.  Do whatever it takes to let her know what’s going on, because you owe it to her as her Dominant.  Answer her questions honestly, let her see your vulnerability, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Step 3:  Go to your appointment.  Tell your sub when it is.  If you’re worried about finding the motivation to go, ask her to hold you to it.  Give her the ability to withhold something from you (something that you want) if you don’t go.  Hell, have her drive you.  Just get there.  Do whatever it takes.  Because you owe it to her as your Dominant.  Let her become your motivation.  Let caring for her and being the man she deserves keep you moving forward.

Step 4:  Be honest and frank in the appointment.  You’ve been diagnosed with PDD, so I’m guessing you’re familiar with psychiatrists.  Great.  Push yourself to be as honest as possible about what you’re feeling and what you want.  Make a realistic plan for the immediate future, whether that involves drugs or other kinds of therapy, or both.

Step 5:  Follow the plan.  It’ll take time before you start seeing significant improvement, and your motivation will falter.  You’ve dealt with this for years, you know it’s not going to be easy.

But you’ve dealt with this for years, you know that you can.