30 Days of Kink: Day 22

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Oh, I hope you have some time to kill.

Well, first of all, honest, open communication is important.  You have to be comfortable enough with each other to communicate your desires, curiosities, needs, concerns, etc.  It sounds easy on paper, but it’s something that’s very difficult to do, and something that I’ve noticed often becomes an issue in vanilla relationships.

So that’s one way that BDSM relationships differ from vanilla ones.  BDSM relationships require, simply by the nature of the relationship, a level of communication that vanilla relationships often never even touch on.  Negotiating kinks and limits and needs means that you talk about sex.  A lot.  You talk about what you love, you talk about your fantasies, you talk about things you wish were different.  Both partners are engaged, both partners take an active role in the relationship, regardless of which role that may be.  And all of that effort, all of that intimacy pays off in other areas of the relationship.  You get used to talking about everything.  When nothing is taboo, it opens up so many avenues for communication.

Trust and vulnerability are important.  And they go hand in hand (in my opinion, anyway).  I mean, obviously a huge degree of trust is required from the submissive.  They are (often quite literally) putting their physical, mental, and emotional health, their very lives in someone else’s hands, at a level that many people would find unsettling, or even disturbing.  And it’s more than just being tied up and beaten.  They open themselves up to someone else to an extreme that vanilla people don’t.  Their hearts, their minds, their souls are all laid bare for someone else to explore, to break, to nurture.

That requires an insane level of trust, and the vulnerability that comes with it can be terrifying.  Being a submissive takes a level of emotional and mental strength that is not common.

But people tend to forget about the Dominants.  Trust and vulnerability are required from Dominants, as well.  Granted, they aren’t laid bare to the extent that their submissive is, but the intensity, the intimacy, the depravity of BDSM relationships breeds a unique sort of vulnerability not found anywhere else.

Yes, the Dominant must trust their submissive (and I’ll get to that in a minute) but first and foremost, she needs to trust herself.  She needs to know her own limitations, she needs to be confident in her own abilities.  She needs to trust her judgment, trust her intuition, trust her ability to assess and reassess any given situation, make a decision, and commit to it.  She needs to trust in herself in a way that not many vanilla people learn to do.

And yes, she needs to trust her submissive.  Of course, she needs to trust that he’ll tell her if something’s wrong, if he needs help, if there’s a concern that she needs to be aware of.  But it goes deeper than that.

Because being a Dominant in a session (for me, anyway) is, in itself, an act of vulnerability.  For me, in my day-to-day life, there’s a lot of myself that I keep locked away.  There’s a lot that I don’t do, a lot that I don’t say, a lot that I don’t act on.  My sadism, for example, is a part of myself that I’m a bit uncomfortable with, simply because I don’t know the limits of it (and I’m pretty damn sure the limits of my sadism far exceed the limits of the law).  So I clamp that shit down.

But in a session, I let it out.  I keep a tight rein on it, obviously, and I am always in control (which is why I won’t play altered.  That control is all that’s keeping me out of jail and a boy out of the hospital.  That’s not something I’m going to fuck with).  But I can let loose that part of me that is always locked away.  I can be more myself than I can be anywhere else.  I show more of who I am in a session than anywhere else.

It’s a unique kind of vulnerability, and I trust my submissive with it.  I show him a part of myself very few ever get to see.  It’s more than what I do.  It’s who I am.  I have to trust him with it, even if the idea is uncomfortable or frightening.  I have to push myself to put that trust in him.

Otherwise, what’s the fucking point?

I’ve been in a couple of vanilla relationships here and there, and even tried dating a Dom once (yeah, imagine how that went), and there just isn’t that same level for me.  They don’t see the “real me,” because I don’t let it out around them.  I’m still walled off, still isolated, still protected.  I don’t have to trust them.

And it’s not the same.

So yes, a Dominant puts so much of herself into a D/s relationship, she puts so much of herself into her submissive, that the vulnerability inevitably comes into play.  And she has to trust her submissive with it.

Intensity is something else that comes into play, and I think is necessary for a healthy D/s relationship.  Granted, some D/s relationships are more intense than others, but there needs to be that passion, that hunger.  Not necessarily primal, but something close.  Complacency is a killer in any relationship dynamic, but so much more so in D/s ones.  Intensity is a big fucking deal.  Once you lose it, it’s difficult to get back, and the relationship will suffer.  A Dominant should always inspire just a little bit of nervousness in her subs, and she should always be hungry for them.  She can’t allow that to go away.  She needs to work to make sure it doesn’t.

And I mean, the responsibility doesn’t fall exclusively on her shoulders.  No one, not even a Dominant, can be expected to carry a relationship on their own.  Her submissive needs to want to serve, to actively submit, rather than lie back and wait to be used.  He needs to work at it.  They both need to carry the relationship.

They both need that intensity.  They both need to work at keeping it.

30 Days of Kink: Day 21

What’s your favorite BDSM-related book?  Fiction or nonfiction.

Meh.

I don’t really have a favorite.  I haven’t really found a BDSM book that I love.  I guess, for nonfiction, I’ll just go with the standard SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.

And for fiction, meh, I’ll go with Natural Law by Joey W Hill.  I didn’t hate it.  I even liked it a bit.  But I have yet to read a BDSM or kink-related book that I would say I love.

30 Days of Kink: Day 20

Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about or don’t understand.

Well, that’s easy.

Switches.

I don’t understand them.  I don’t understand the thought process, I don’t understand the ability (or desire, for that matter) to go from one end of the whip to the other.

Kazander has switchy tendencies, and I asked him about it, asked him what it is that makes him want to switch.

He says he’s not a switch, but he does occasionally like being in charge because there are certain things he enjoys that he just can’t do otherwise.  The example he gave was giving me oral.  He likes to keep going, just as hard (or harder) once I’ve had an orgasm, and sometimes it takes all my post-orgasm strength to push him off of me, because it’s just too sensitive.  But when he’s in charge, he doesn’t have to stop.  He can keep going for as long as he wants (because he’s a bastard).

He also pointed out that, while I’m most certainly not a fan of switching, I do tend to have some pretty intense orgasms when he’s in charge, because he’ll tease me and keep me horny and frustrated all day.  He can’t do that when I’m in charge (mostly because I would shove my knee-high boot up his ass if he tried).

But we do switch for his birthday.  And it’s not something I’m good at.  I make a fucking terrible sub.  You could call it bratty, but I think even “bratty” is a step up from what I do.

And I try.  It’s one of the only things he ever asks for, and it’s once a year, so yeah I try.  I want to be able to give that to him.  But I’m not very good at it.  There are a lot of eye rolls and words murmured under my breath, and a lot of half-assed submission.  Once, he was able to get me into subspace, which was pretty cool.  But, while it’s never as bad as I think it’s going to be in the weeks leading up to it, and while there are certain parts of it that do turn me on, it’s just not my thing.  I feel like I have to shut down certain parts of my brain to do it, and I can’t just switch back and forth.  Like, it takes me a day or two to go from one to the other.

So the people who can switch, and who want to switch, are people I don’t understand (I hasten, at this point, to add that I have no problem whatsoever with switches, I’ve known lots of awesome switches, and they’re just as good or bad as any other orientation.  I don’t have a problem of any kind with them.  I just don’t understand them).

I’ve always been completely, obnoxiously Dominant.  That’s just who I am.  The idea of submitting to someone else is so foreign and alien to me, it’s like my entire fucking soul recoils from it.  And assertive, obnoxious, dominant-type men turn me off.  It used to be that just sexual dominance and assertiveness turned me off.  But as time goes on, that has more or less bled over into other areas, as well (and I’m not implying that submissive men aren’t strong and assertive in their everyday life. They absolutely are. My boys are prime examples of that… It’s a completely different energy, and this is a relatively new feeling, and I’m still figuring it out. So just nod and smile and give me the benefit of the doubt until I figure it out and then figure out how to properly articulate it in a post).

I am not attracted to Alpha Males, or the idea of giving up control.  I love submissive boys.  I love when they yield to me.  It’s the sweetest drug, and I’m completely addicted.

I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to switch.  So I’ve always been curious about the thought process of a switch.  I’ve always wondered how that works, how those desires interact with one another.  One of these days I’m going to have to find a switch, sit them down, and pick their brain.

30 Days of Kink: Day 19

Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

Oh, lots.

First of all, you can’t call yourself a Dominant if you’re not in control of yourself, and aware of your faults and shortcomings.  Being a Dominant has required a degree of self exploration that was often times uncomfortable, but has made me very sure of and very comfortable with who I am.  I don’t need to validate myself as a person, because I know what kind of person I am.

And truly, D/s relationships are so intense, and require levels of trust that were never even touched on the very few times I attempted a vanilla relationship.  And while yes, the submissive is usually the one doing the bulk of the trusting, there is a vulnerability in Dominants, as well.  During scenes, I am more myself than any other time.  I let out the sadist that I keep locked up.  I stop trying to censor my thoughts, my words, and my actions.  I give in to my impulses (to a point, I’m still in control).  If you really want to know who I am, watch me play.

But the submissive I’m with is the one who gets to experience that.  They are able to learn more about who I am than anyone else.  And yes, that takes a lot of trust.  A lot of openness.

As someone who doesn’t usually do “vulnerability” and “openness” very well, this is something I had to learn how to do, and something that has truly helped me in a lot of ways.  I can’t imagine how closed-off I’d be today without learning how to do that.

And as far as coming to terms with my faults, I’ve had to learn the discipline necessary to overcome certain things.  I am naturally a bit unreliable and flaky, and obviously that needed to change right away.  So I built up my discipline, learned how to hold myself to commitments even when all I wanted to do was sit on the couch, and basically made myself reliable.  I made myself dependable.  It was one of my worst faults, and I overcame it because of the discipline needed to control both myself and another person.

Really, being a Dominant has helped me become a better person.  Giving so much of myself to my subs has made me a better person.  Holding myself to the standards I think all Dominants should be held to has made me a better person.  Being responsible for someone else’s wellbeing and being mindful of that responsibility, has made me a better person.

30 Days of Kink: Day 18

Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  What are they?

Well, I said one of them, and my biggest one, yesterday.  But I’ve got a few.

  • The notion that there’s something “wrong” with kinky people
  • The notion that my gender dictates my orientation
  • People who think that their brand of kink is the “One True Way.”
  • People who introduce themselves as “Master Fuckface,” or “Mistress Idiot,” or whatever.  Come on, you don’t introduce yourself to people on the street that way.  Be who you are and don’t hide behind your Fetlife/Collarspace handle.
  • People who expect honorifics to be used by everyone.  I don’t like honorifics used by people I don’t own, and I always have to hold my tongue when others expect it.  But no sub I ever own will be made to use an honorific with anyone but me.  I will never, ever make that command.  So if you’re a “Dominant,” and you think my boys are going to call you “Miss” or “Sir” or whatever, you’re going to just have to get over it.  It’s not happening, unless they decide to do it on their own (which is possible, but not likely).
  • People who wake up one day and decide they’re going to be Dominant or submissive without even taking the time to Google some shit.  I mean, really… I hope you don’t actually think you’re anything but completely transparent.

I’m sure there are a lot more, but these are the ones that come to mind right now.

30 Days of Kink: Day 17

What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Well….

How much time do you have?

Really, the biggest one has to do with the concept of Dominance and submission in relation to masculinity and femininity.  It’s my biggest pet peeve (and one of the easiest and quickest ways to piss me off) when people think that the two have anything remotely to do with each other.

Dominance is not a “masculine” trait, and submission is not a “feminine” trait.

They’re just not.

End.

Of.

Story.

Whatever argument anyone may have to the contrary is a stupid, misguided, ignorant one, and their ideas of gender and sexuality are obviously stuck in the Medieval era.  I see those people as unevolved, uneducated, narrow-minded, worthless wastes of mass and oxygen.

They’re the same type of people who think that all gay men must be feminine, and that all lesbians must be butch, all MtF trans must be sexually attracted to men, that rape victims who dress “slutty” are “asking for it,” and all those other misguided, prehistoric, close-minded, willfully ignorant notions that we as a culture continue to entertain because we’re too lazy to educate ourselves and broaden our view.

Being a Dominant does not make me “less of a woman,” and being submissive does not make any man “less of a man.”

Furthermore, being submissive does not make someone “weak,” by any definition of the word.  Anyone who’d like to argue that point is welcome to spend an evening in a locked room with my boys.

Tell me how that works out for you.

Dominance and submission have nothing to do with gender, gender identity, masculinity and femininity, or sexuality.  Completely separate things.  That misconception has no place in anyone’s mind.

30 Days of Kink: Day 16

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

For me, it’s keeping it hidden.  I hate having to keep it a secret, and throughout most of my life, I’ve been relatively open about it.  I never ever tried to hide who I was.  Sure, I’ve had people raise eyebrows and ask questions, and I’ve had people who weren’t interested in learning anything about it, and it’s just something we don’t talk about (like how it is with my best friend), and I’ve even had those who claimed I was going to hell, and I was immoral or whatever, and would run from me, screaming into the night.

I didn’t care.

But now, with the situation we’re in with the kid and all of that, and with living so close to his family, I have to hide it.  And I hate that.  It feels odd having to censor myself, and even after five years, it still bugs me.

And I mean, don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like I advertise it or anything.  I’ve never advertised it.  I don’t think anyone I associated with professionally ever knew.  It just never came up.  But while I didn’t shout it from the rooftops, I never made an effort to hide it, either.

And I completely understand that many sub men would prefer no one know about it.  The vast majority of the boys I’ve owned and played with have been very, very secretive about it.  So I get it.  And I’m not going to out anyone who doesn’t want to be outed.

I also understand that there are still some pretty primitive notions regarding male submission floating around out there, and for a lot of men, it could cause legitimate personal and professional issues if that kind of knowledge came out.  It’s not something that I love, but it’s something I absolutely understand, and will absolutely hide it to protect the boys I play with.  I’ve gone to many work parties, family dinners, I’ve been introduced to parents, bosses, employees, associates, business partners, siblings, children, all of that.  And even if outright asked, I will deny it to protect the boy who serves me.

But that’s always been the hardest part about kink and BDSM being such a big part of my sexuality, and my personality.