The problem with porn

I like to look at porn.  A lot.

And why not?  It’s sexy as hell.

Although there is a slight annoyance when it comes to porn.  And that’s the fact that it’s all written and filmed for a male audience.

Which, I mean, I get it.  Two thirds of porn watchers are men.  I have a subscription to Divine Bitches, but I’m pretty sure if you looked down their list of subscribers, well over 75% would be male.

The fact is that men tend to like looking at porn, while women tend to like reading it.  Also, a lot of women really, really like gay male porn.  I mean, have you ever heard of yaoi?  It’s practically got a cult following.

Now, a big part of why women find gay porn (including gay porn videos) so attractive is that, for many straight or straight-ish women, we don’t necessarily want the focus on the woman all the time.  Turning us on may be slightly more complicated than flashing a pair of tits in our face.

In gay porn, there is no woman to pull our focus or distract us.

I’ll be the first to admit that, if I had to choose between a hetero Femdom video chosen at random, and a gay male BDSM video chosen at random, I’m picking the gay boys 10 times out of 10.  Because I know for a fact that I won’t have screechy, shrill, obnoxious women awkwardly shouting scripted lines.

But even with straight porn, women often like to read it, rather than watch it.  Look at 50 Shades.  It’s the first thing to bring something resembling BDSM to the mainstream.  And who is the audience?

Women.

But men like Maledom, too.  So why is the audience for the book primarily women?

Guys tend to be more visually oriented.  They’ve done brain scans showing how the sexes respond to images of attractive nude models.  The women’s brains lit up pretty well.  They definitely enjoyed the eye candy.

But the men’s brains were like a fucking Christmas tree.  Men respond to visual stimulus differently than women do.

There are obviously exceptions, I’m one of them.  I’m just as turned on by watching Femdom or gay BDSM porn as I am by reading Femdom or gay BDSM erotica.  I respond very well to visual stimulus.

But I also understand that, for someone running a porn business, catering to men is the better option.

One third of porn watchers are women.  What fraction of that third is interested in Femdom?  And of that fraction, how many of them would be willing to pay to watch it?

Not a lot.  A porn company catering to women today may have a higher risk of going out of business.

Hopefully, as women’s sexuality becomes more mainstream, and more women are encouraged to embrace their sexuality, that will change.

But I don’t see our attitudes regarding women’s sexuality changing anytime in the near future.  There are still people who balk at how many sexual partners I’ve had (it’s 53, by the way, not counting paid sessions while I was a ProDomme… because I never bothered counting those, and if I did, I’d be well on my way to 1,000).  It’s still considered abnormal for a woman to have a high sex drive, and it’s still socially acceptable to criticize a woman for a high sex drive.

Hell, you’ve got female “Dominants” who actually claim that Dommes only engage in Femdom as a “favor” to men.  They just can’t fathom a woman actually wanting to do this and being massively turned on by it.

It just blows their pretty little minds.

Think back to your sex education class.  You learned all about the male reproductive system, but barely touched on the female reproductive system.

Oh, you think I’m exaggerating?

Yep. This exists.

 

Which annoys me, but I do get it.  There’s shit in the female body that we still don’t understand.  Like the hymen.  We have no idea what it’s supposed to do or why it’s there.

We do know that it’s not a sign of a woman’s virginity.

Most people also don’t know what a clitoris actually is.  They usually assume it’s that little nub at the top of the vagina.

Nope.

So I mean, women’s sexuality just isn’t a thing people tend to pay attention to.  Until that changes, I don’t see women’s sexual/porn habits changing anytime soon.  And until our culture changes its attitude toward women’s sexuality, any porn that caters to women might not do all that well.  Men are the safer bet.

Which makes good business sense.  I can’t fault any studio or producer for that.

But it does make it difficult for me to find clips and videos I like.  I like the tone, chemistry, and rhythm of amateur sessions better than most professional ones, but trying to find amateur clips with tolerable sound and lighting is tough.

I’m picky as hell with professional videos, too.  Because, since the primary audience is male, the main focus is the Domme, and often, she’s shrill, screechy, and obnoxious.

It’s hotter for me when the focus is on the sub, or when he’s expressive and into it enough that his energy isn’t overwhelmed by hers, and he has the presence to pull some of the focus onto him.

This is very, very rare, and very difficult to find.

But when I do find a guy I like, I stalk the shit out of him.  I want to see (almost) everything he’s in (many performers model all different kinds of scenarios, and a guy who bottoms in one video will often Top in another.  Hetero Maledom, I’m not interested in and don’t watch).  Because if I like the bottom enough, I can tune out an obnoxious Domme and jerk off to just him.

I have a few of my favorites, but most of them are retired.  And not all of them were men.  I did have one woman I loved: Claire Adams.  I still pull up her Men In Pain videos once in awhile.  She’s amazing.  Gorgeous, smart, well-spoken and refined, with incredible presence.  She didn’t need to shout or curse to get your attention, all she needed to do was look at you.

She was incredible, and she’s the only female performer I’ve actually genuinely enjoyed watching.  Every other female performer, I like based on how easy they are to tune out.  But there hasn’t been another Claire Adams that I’ve found yet.

All the rest have been men.

I had the pleasure of enjoying the company of one particular performer not long ago, and that was a completely different experience than what I’m used to, but it was a lot of fun.  It’s a really unique thrill to be a fan of a performer, and then shove your foot in his mouth.  Meeting him and playing with him definitely added a new, fucking awesome element to watching his old videos.

And he was just such a sweet guy, too.  If there wasn’t such a big disparity in our kinks and sexualities, I would’ve gladly snatched him up in a heartbeat.

Kade was a favorite of mine, and I still occasionally pull up his old Men in Pain videos.

My newest obsession, though, is Lance Hart.  I only recently discovered he exists, and am quite enjoying the stuff I’m seeing so far.

He’s also rather unique among performers in that he’s not in his 20s.  Which is fucking awesome.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have literally no problem playing with young guys, and I find them hot, too.  But I don’t know, there’s just something that happens when a man hits 40, and whatever it is, it’s hot af.

Of course, in the majority of the porn industry, you lose a percentage of your value for every day past 18.  So it can be rare to find someone who is still active at 40.

He’s still making videos, though, thank God.  Because he is hot as hell to watch.  So unbelievably expressive.  No matter what he’s doing, no matter who he’s doing it with, he just looks like he’s having the time of his life.  Like there’s nowhere he’d rather be in that moment.

And when you’re in the business of having sex and looking good doing it, enthusiasm can be tough to show.

You think a professional Dominant is comfortable arching her back and sticking her ass out while she pegs a guy?  Hell no.  She does it because it looks good on camera.

You think some of those monster cocks the subs take are comfortable?  No, but he’s still got to look good while he takes it.

Lance Hart also directs all his videos and posts clips of the outtakes, so that people can see a little bit of what goes into it.  It’s really cool watching them.

Porn is not about the actors feeling good.  It’s about them looking good so you can feel good while you jerk off to them.

Which makes sense.  But sometimes, that results in bottoms that are less than expressive.  Which is a letdown for me.

I watch porn for the bottoms.  So I need the bottom to be expressive.  I need him to squirm, to moan, to writhe, to whimper.

I need it in my real life, and I need it in videos.

Lance Hart sure has expressive mastered.  He’s so hot to watch.  Definitely my new favorite.

So I mean, there does exist porn out there that legitimately turns me on, to the point that I have a physical response to it.  There’s just not a lot of it.

I want to fuck him up against a wall

So I’ve decided I want to fuck Sounder up against a wall.  Which is such a hot idea, and could feasibly happen.

I went over last night, wanting to try it.  So I pushed him against the wall, pulled his panties down and his pink, frilly skirt up, and lifted him up.

But I couldn’t get at the right angle.  I needed him higher.

Luckily, he’s a sissy, and like all sissies, he has a pair of super high heels.  He put them on and we tried again.

And it worked a lot better.  I could reach around and feel where my cock needed to go, and it was way easier to hold him up.  I could feasibly fuck him to quite a few orgasms in that position.

But my harness holds the dildo really low, and points it downward.  So I couldn’t bring it up high enough to actually enter him.

With my old harness, though, I absolutely could.  So when I get it replaced, that’s at the very top of my list.  It’ll be so hot to watch him squirm and writhe up against the wall, completely pinned and at my mercy.

Damn…

Like, that’ll be really hot.  It might even become my new favorite position to fuck him in.

Of course, it’s always really hot fucking him, regardless of the position.  My current favorite is him on his back, his legs up, his tight pussy exposed.

And I love how eager he is to have something in him.  With scheduling and health problems, I haven’t been able to fuck him for awhile.  And my longtime readers will remember that his clit, Tammi Lynn, is broken, so he can no longer cum like a man at all.  He can only cum by being fucked, or by fingering his sissy button.

So the poor girl hasn’t had an orgasm for awhile.

As soon as I slid my hand down his ass, under his panties, and brushed a fingertip against his hole, he pushed his hips out, wanting more.  I hadn’t even put a finger in him before he started pushing back, trying to fuck himself on my hand.

Such a sexy, eager cockwhore.

And when he lied down on his back, his tight pussy open and exposed, holy fucking shit, that was such an inviting sight.

I love fucking him in that position because it gives me such a good view of my cock sliding in and out of him, of him writhing and thrashing as I fuck him.

Because it’s not enough just to fuck him.  No, that’s not enough for such a cockhungry sissy.

He needs to be fucked hard.  Hard and fast and deep.

And even that’s not enough.  Not really.  He still bucks and thrashes on the bed, trying to fuck himself even harder.  Especially when he gets close to cumming, he just can’t help himself.

Something else I want to do is to sit on the couch and make him straddle me and ride my cock.  I bet that would be so hot.  Just watching him bounce on it, slamming it hard, all the way inside him as he gets closer and closer to orgasm.  I mean, that would be so amazingly, incredibly, indescribably hot.

Oh!  But here’s a fun story.

When I was done pegging him, I switched to a new, vibrating dildo.  After fucking him with it for a moment, I asked him how it felt.

“This is going to sound bad,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s a little… small.”

The sissy is a size queen.  I mean, how awesome is that?

But that wasn’t the best part.  The best part was when I held it up to compare the size to Tammi Lynn.

And it’s literally the same size.

Which, of course, I had to show him.

“Look look look!  It’s exactly the same size as you!  And you said it’s too small.”

Just one more reason why he should never be allowed inside anyone, ever again.

And I find it interesting, you know?

For men, their penis is often the symbol of their manhood and masculinity.  But in his case, it’s a reminder that he’s not a real man, but a sissy bitch.

Because he can’t use it to fuck someone, he can’t use it to achieve orgasm, and even though he can still get hard (for now), by his own judgement, it’s too small to satisfy anyone.  It’s not a sexual organ or a symbol of masculinity anymore.

It’s just my toy, now.  Something I use to hurt and tease and torment him.  And that’s all it’ll ever be, for the rest of his life.

The insecure guy’s guide to serving me

I recently received a message from a BBM (that’s Big Beautiful Man, and I’m going to keep using it until it becomes a thing, goddammit) who challenged my claim in a recent post, where I said that a man’s weight has literally no bearing on whether or not he can serve me.

So, again, no, a man’s weight has literally no bearing on whether or not he can serve me.

But this comes with a major caveat.  Because a lot of you guys have a habit of behaving in a way that doesn’t just turn me off, it pisses me off.

And it’s not just big guys that do this.  So I’m going to explain exactly why this vicious circle you guys get yourselves wrapped up in is hurting your chances at a relationship way more than your weight ever could.

Because here’s the thing:

Insecurity is exhausting AF

Don’t get me wrong. I know big guys deal with a lot of body issues and issues of self worth.  But being insecure about me is one of the fastest ways to piss me off, honestly.

If I’m with you, it’s because I want to be with you.

End of story.

End of list.

There is something about you I find attractive.  There’s something I’m attracted to.  Something I like.  Something I see as valuable.

Here, let me illustrate a How to Annoy the Fuck Out of Jen scenario:

We’re cuddling together on the couch.  I’m running my fingers through your hair.  I’m enjoying myself.

So I pull you close and whisper, “You’re so cute.”

You say, “I’m really not.”

Aaannnd, now I’m annoyed.  Mood’s ruined.

So what, are you calling me a liar?  Are you going to tell me I’m wrong?  I’m not allowed to see beauty or value in you?

Who the fuck are you to tell me what I’m allowed to find attractive?

Knock that shit off now.

Because you guys, I’m so serious.  It’s fucking exhausting to deal with.

Because it permeates every part of the relationship.  I can’t compliment you without starting this whole big thing.  And I constantly have to assure and reassure you that I’m not going to leave you.

If you don’t trust me to do right by you, you shouldn’t have offered your submission to me in the first damn place.  If you constantly worry that I’m going to leave you for the Terry Crews look-alike who just hit on me, the fact of the matter is that you don’t trust me.

And that’s a problem.

Because, to paraphrase the wise words of Maureen Johnson, there will always be a Terry Crews look-alike flirting with me.

If you constantly question and doubt me, I’m going to get very tired of it, very quickly.  Whether or not you see value in yourself, you need to be able to come to terms with the fact that I see value in you.

You may not agree, and that’s fine, I don’t necessarily need you to, but you’re not going to tell me that my perception is less valid than yours.  Or that I don’t have the right to form my own opinions about you, outside of and separate from your opinions about yourself.

Let me say that one more time, for you guys in the back:

My perception is not less valid than yours.  You do not have the right to tell me which traits I am allowed to find attractive or assign value to.  You do not have the right to try to force my opinion to comply with yours.

Guys, that’s not okay.  Knock it the fuck off.

If you hate yourself, or you feel like the rest of the world hates you, there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that.  But I’m supposed to be your relief from that.  I’m supposed to be your shelter from that.

And that is something I need, you guys.  I need you to be able to trust and depend and lean on me.  And I think a lot of the people I’ve been with in the past have really underestimated just how important that is to my happiness and contentment within a relationship.

Being your shelter from the rest of the world gives me comfort.  Being the one you trust and confide in helps me in ways I haven’t even completely figured out yet.  It helps me balance my own mental and emotional shit.

I excel when I have people lean on me.  That’s when I’m at my best.

Legitimately.

Genuinely.

That’s when I like who I am the most.  The more of your baggage you let me carry for you, the better I feel.

So when you constantly doubt my ability to carry it, or my trustworthiness, or my dependability, it drags me down.  When you insist that you’re not good enough for me, it makes me feel like shit.  When you’re obviously upset or stressed, but won’t confide in me because you’re paranoid that I’ll judge you or hate you, or you’re desperately clinging to this laughable notion of not wanting to burden me with your problems, it makes me feel manic and helpless and worthless.

Alternatively, and this is important, if you pull away in an attempt to hide that you’re upset or stressed, it makes me feel even worse.

I know my boys.

Every sub I’ve ever had can attest to that.  If you’re upset or stressed, you can’t hide it from me.  And when you try, not only do I feel manic, helpless, and worthless, but I also feel like shit because you didn’t trust me with it.  Pretty it up however you want, make all the excuses you can think of, that’s the bottom line.  You don’t trust me with it, you don’t trust me with that part of you, and you don’t trust me to carry it for you.  Which, Jesus Christ, is the most infuriating thing.  And it never gets less infuriating, no matter how many times it happens.  Seriously, just thinking about it, all those conversations I’ve had, is enough to make my blood pressure rise.

Like, what are you even doing there, at that point?  Why am I even there?  Why are we even together?  What am I supposed to be getting out of it?

Because God damn it, your mental and emotional needs are not the only ones that matter.

If you can’t give me what I need, why the fuck should I be with you?

I’m serious, that’s one of the fastest and most effective ways to get me to leave you.  I don’t give a shit what you weigh, or what you look like, or what your mental health is, or what you’re capable of.  I don’t give a flying fuck whether you’re strong or weak or brave or a coward.

Whatever causes you to dislike yourself, you guys, I’m so serious, I do. not. fucking. care.

It doesn’t make me dislike you.

You think you’re too fat for me?  I’m willing to bet I’ve been with someone bigger.  But even if I haven’t, weight never stopped me before.  That’s not going to change.

You think you’re weak?  A coward?  Well, you wouldn’t be the first one of those I’ve loved.

You think your mental health makes you unlovable?  Yeah, so did every other guy with depression or PTSD or ADHD or insert-mood-disorder-here that I loved.  They were wrong.  So are you.

You think your level of physical ability makes you unlovable?  Yeah, so did the first guy in a wheelchair I loved.

You think there’s something in your past that makes you unlovable?  Quite a few guys, with varying degrees of fucked-up shit in their past, thought that.  They were wrong.  So are you.

Guys, you don’t understand.  Like, I love people, but I’m the biggest misanthrope.  There aren’t many people I can tolerate for more than a few hours at a time, much less want to be with for more than a few hours at a time.

If I’m with you, it’s because I see something in you that calls to me.  Something I connect with in a way that is extremely, extremely rare for me.  If I’m with you, it’s because you’re one of only a few dozen people, in the entirety of all the humans I have ever met in my life, that I feel that connection with.

I see something rare, and precious, and maybe broken, but no less beautiful.  Maybe you see it, too, but it’s just buried underneath all the other bullshit.  Or maybe you don’t see it at all.

Either way is fine.  I’m not your therapist, I lack the education (and desire, quite honestly) to “fix” you.  I’m not going to argue with you over which of our perceptions is more valid.  You don’t have to agree with my opinion.  But you do have to come to terms with it, and accept the fact that you have value to me.

You doubt yourself?  You hate yourself?  Cool, lay it out for me.  Tell me all of it, let me carry it for you.  Even just for awhile.  Even just for a moment.

You doubt the way the world sees you?  Cool, I want all of that.  Let me carry it for you.

But if you doubt me, if you doubt my desire, my commitment, my reliability, my resolve, my strength, there’s nothing I can do or say to fix that.  It makes me feel helpless, and I cannot begin to describe how much I hate feeling helpless.  And no, I don’t love anyone enough to put myself through that indefinitely.

Because I’m in the relationship, too.  My needs matter, too.  My ability to excel and be happy as a partner is just as important as yours.  And, given the specific nature of my relationships, fuck yes I expect my boys to meet my needs.  If you’re my sub, it’s your job to make sure I’m happy and content.  Even if it’s uncomfortable, or painful, or scary.  That’s just as true with this as it is with all the kinky stuff.

You want to be in a relationship with me?  You need to come to terms with that.

Because if you won’t, you’re just not good enough for me.

Subs can be abusive too

Hi. I’m a domme and I need help. Please. I’m desperate.

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now. We have a FLR. Sort of.

And he’s nice and all most of the time. But its like he expects me to fit this porno femdom fantasy. Anything I do that doesn’t fit that makes him shut down. If I have a bad day I can’t talk to him about it at all. I lost my dog two months ago and when I told him I was upset and needed comfort he just said he couldn’t do that and I’m a domme so I should be able to handle it myself.

Its just not working. So a few weeks ago I told him I’m done. But he flipped out. He threatened to kill himself. And now he’s so clingy and dependent. If I go a few hours without calling or texting him he starts blowing up my phone. He’s so nosy when I have plans with other people. And he doesn’t like not knowing where I am or who I’m with.  He always has to check in with me and make sure everything is still good. He even showed up unannounced to my friend’s bachelorette party.  Said he got scared because my phone was off.

When I tried to tell him that he’s crossing boundaries and that’s not acceptable he flipped out. He said that I always ignore his needs and never give him the support a domme is supposed to give her sub. Which is kind of right and I feel bad about that. But I just want out.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to get him away from me. Honestly I feel like its emotional abuse but is that even possible in a FLR? And I’m so scared of what might happen if I just cut him off. What if he actually kills himself? He’s threatened to do it so many times now. I can’t have that on my conscience. What do I do?

Okay, whoa.

That… That is just… Whoa.

First, I really need to point out that I’m not a doctor, I have no formal training for these kinds of situations, and holy fucking shit, you need to talk to a professional.  Like, now.

And you definitely need to get away from this guy.  That’s a textbook toxic relationship there.  And fuck yes, it’s abusive as hell.

Subs can absolutely be abusive.  Being submissive does not disqualify someone from being abusive, and being a Domme doesn’t protect you from being abused.  It doesn’t get talked about much, because a lot of the abuse in D/s relationships tend to focus on the Dom/me abusing their sub, but the opposite exists, too.

And I really need to point out that Dommes are not two-dimensional caricatures.  You’re a human being.  You have human emotions and human problems.  And you’re in a relationship.  In a relationship, it’s completely reasonable to expect your partner to put in emotional labor for you.  If he expects you to put in that emotional labor, but isn’t willing to do it for you, then what’s the point of even having a relationship?

If he’s unwilling to comfort you when you’ve had a bad day, he’s just a shitty partner.  Whether or not it’s an FLR.

He said that I always ignore his needs and never give him the support a domme is supposed to give her sub. Which is kind of right and I feel bad about that.

This is gaslighting.  It’s worst kind of emotional abuse because it makes you doubt your own thoughts and feelings.  It’s really, really hard to defend against, even when you know it’s happening, because the compassionate, reasonable part of you wants to stop and question if your perception is really accurate.

Could you be ignoring his needs?  Are you falling short of the expectations of Dommes?  You start asking yourself those questions and start doubting yourself.

Just being a reasonable, supportive, and kind human being leaves you vulnerable to that.  So first thing, you need to do a lot of research and reading on emotional abuse, and gaslighting specifically, to learn how to recognize it and defend against it.

And you need to get the hell away from him.

As far as his threats to kill himself, you need to figure out how to emotionally wash your hands of that.  He’s a grown ass man.  You’re not responsible for the stupid shit he does.  If he decides to do something stupid, that’s not on you.  It’s not on your conscience because you didn’t force him into that.  You didn’t make that decision for him.

And that’s easier said than done.  I know.  I’ve had two men I love kill themselves in the last 2 years.  One of them was kind enough to leave a note telling me that he killed himself specifically because he’d let me walk away, and I kept refusing to take him back.

Losing me was “a price he wasn’t able to pay.”

It sucked, holy shit, it sucked.  For like three days, I just told everyone to leave me alone.  I didn’t want to talk to a single human being.  I just wanted to lock myself away and ignore the world.  It’s a fucking shitty feeling.  There’s not a lot out there worse than that feeling.

But at the end of the day, he was a grown human man.  He made a series of very bad decisions, that no one forced him in to, that ended with him taking his own life.  I didn’t push him to that, and it wasn’t my responsibility to babysit him for the rest of his life.

And that’s what you need to remember with this guy.  You can’t take responsibility for him.  He’s just going to keep taking advantage of it.

The fact of the matter is that he’s not mentally healthy.

He needs a lot of help.  Way more than you’re capable of providing.  The best thing you can do for him is to alert the authorities, and the people who can help him.

Next time he threatens to kill himself, immediately call 911 (or, if you’re not in the US, whatever the emergency number is).  Tell them you’re afraid for your own life and for his.  Let them take him to the hospital and put him on suicide watch.  Let people know that he’s talking about this, and make sure that it’s taken seriously.

Because it needs to be taken seriously.  Never argue about whether you think he’d actually go through with it.  And never assume it’s just an act.  Always assume he’s serious about it, because if he’s unhealthy enough, and upset enough, he just might go through with it.

Right now, he’s using it specifically to manipulate you into staying with him.  He’s hoping that your guilt and sense of responsibility toward him will keep you in the relationship.  So turn it around on him.  Don’t let him put that responsibility on you.  Tell him that you may care for him, but you can’t stop him from making that choice.  Remind him that he’s an adult, and you can’t make his choices for him.

He needs to understand that using this kind of manipulation isn’t going to work, and it’s not going to give him what he wants.  It’s not going to keep you with him.

Because if he’s unhealthy enough to go through with it, you wouldn’t be able to stop him, anyway.  The average person doesn’t have the training or education required for that.

Staying with him in an attempt to keep him from attempting suicide isn’t helping him.

So if he’s threatening it, alert the people who can help, and then get far away from him.  File a restraining order, if that’s what it takes.  Get him out of your life immediately.

Actually, a restraining order isn’t a bad idea.  I know that’s the first thing I’d do.

If he’s unstable enough to threaten his own life, there’s nothing saying he’ll stop with just his.  You need to recognize the danger he could pose, not just to himself, but to you, too.  Change your phone number, if you have to.  Tell all your friends and family that he’s abusive and you need to get away from him.

The single greatest weapon in an abuser’s arsenal is isolation.

If he can keep the abuse a secret, then he’s free to keep doing it.

Don’t let him keep it a secret.  Tell everyone.  Tell everyone you know and everyone he knows why you’re ending the relationship.

He needs a massive support system, but you cannot be a part of it.  The best thing you can do to help him is to let the people around him know that he needs help, then get the fuck away.

Nothing good will come out of your presence in his life, or his presence in yours.

But seriously, I really need to emphasize that I’m not a professional, and you really, really should talk to a professional about this.

Everything you need to know about the clitoris

Most people, when you ask them what the clitoris is, will describe a mysterious, tiny little nub somewhere between a woman’s legs.  Knowledge of where it is and what it looks like varies greatly by individual.

But there’s so much more to it than most people realize.  And learning a bit about it can benefit anyone who enjoys sexual activities with people who have a clitoris.

And really, objectively, it’s kind of an awesome thing.  Also, learning about it means you get to look at pictures of vaginas.  Which, I mean, when is that ever a bad thing?

And guys, for purposes of simplicity and clarity, I’m going to use words like men and women.  I understand, and we need to acknowledge, that not all women have a clitoris and not all men have a penis, but you guys don’t understand, I’m so bad with rambling, and I’m trying to control how long this gets, and saying “women” is fewer words than “a person who has a clitoris.”  The clit is also a somewhat complex organ, so simplicity is another thing I’m going for.

If you’re not cis, I hope you’ll tolerate my labeling here.  It’s not meant to exclude, it’s literally just to keep this as simple and short as possible.

So let’s learn about it.

Where is it?

The easiest answer is the top of the vagina.

Now, there is actually more to the clitoris than what you see, but we’ll get to that.  For now, we’re just sticking with that mysterious little nub.  For purposes of this discussion, the little nub is the important part.

M’kay cool but there’s a lot going on up there.  How do I know that what I’m looking at is the clitoris?

With men, it’s obvious.  You’ve got a pretty simple setup there.  Big fleshy thing sticking out.  Can’t miss it.

With women, it’s a whole different story.  There are folds.

Layers.

Hidden holes.

Also, every woman’s layout is a little different.

And somewhere, buried in all of that, a tiny pea-sized thing that you’re supposed to find.

Cool, let’s make it simple.  We’ll start with the basic anatomy of the vagina.

Now keep in mind that I’m sticking with the basics here.  Chances are, most of you are not gynecologists or in school to be gynecologists, so you don’t need a huge in-depth education.  You just need to know the important parts.

The main parts you need to know are the clitoral glans (which is what we refer to when we say “the clit”), the clitoral hood, and the labia minora, which are the inner set of lips.  Pull the labia majora to the side, and you can see them.

Pay attention to where the labia minora, or inner lips, come together at the top.  That’s where the clit is.

And keep in mind that every woman’s setup is a little different.  But with basically every woman, the clit is in the same place.  It’s where the two inner lips meet.

 

You’ll also notice that there is a hood (which is a desperately important thing, and I’ll explain why in a bit).  So chances are, unless you’re looking at a very aroused vulva, you don’t see the clitoris.  You’re just seeing the hood.

Here, you can see the clit peeking out from under the hood.  Because this individual woman is set up in such a way that it’s easily seen.

Where with this woman, it’s a little harder to see.

 

The good news is that you don’t have to see it to know how to play with it.  And unless she’s into pain or intense over-stimulation, or perhaps her clit just is exceptionally insensitive, you’re never going to touch it, anyway.  You’re just going to play with the hood.  I mean, maybe you might touch it with your tongue, I need to stress that every woman is different, but chances are, even your tongue is just playing with the hood.

So that’s it?  Just a little nub?

Actually, no.  The tiny little nub is called the glans, just like the head of your penis is called the glans.  There’s more to your penis than the glans, and there’s more to a clitoris than the glans.  You just can’t see it, because it’s inside the body.

So what does it look like?  You might be surprised….

Ladies and gentlemen, the clitoris

Crazy, right?

It’s pretty cool because it never stops growing.  The older a woman gets, the bigger her clit gets.  And the bigger the clit gets, the easier it is for a woman to cum.  Which might be part of the reason why younger women may have trouble achieving orgasm.

Of course, it might also be because younger men tend to be a bit on the clueless side when it comes to pleasing a woman.

But it’s pretty cool because it doesn’t really “age.”  And it doesn’t suffer from the same problems that plague aging male reproductive organs.  It never stops working, it never stops doing its thing.  A woman can have just as many and just as powerful orgasms when she’s 100 as when she’s 25.

What is it, anyway?

In short, it’s the female sex organ.  In men, the penis is both the sex organ and a reproductive organ.  With women, it’s a little different.

The clitoris is not involved with reproduction at all.  It exists solely for sexual pleasure.  It’s the only organ that has no evolutionary purpose, other than to feel good.  And it plays a major part in a woman’s sexual experience.

Most women cannot orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone.  Many women don’t even need vaginal stimulation to orgasm.  All they need is clitoral stimulation (I’m one of those women, by the way.  I’m not interested in vaginal stimulation at all).  And, as it turns out, even women who can cum from vaginal stimulation alone are able to because their clitoris is situated closer to their vagina, and vaginal penetration stimulates the inner clitoris.

Here’s another interesting tidbit.  Take another look at that picture up there.  Does that remind you of anything?

Male and female genitalia aren’t all that different.

The clit and the penis both have a glans, they both have a shaft, they both swell and become noticeably larger when aroused.

Yup.  The clit literally gets erect, y’all.

And the vestibules, those light pink testicle-looking things, those are pretty important, too.  When the clit becomes erect, they swell and get larger, too.  This pushes the vulva outward, making everything look more open and inviting.  And notice where they are in relation to the vagina.

When the vestibules get bigger, they surround the vagina and make it feel significantly tighter.

So yeah, any time a guy talks about a woman being “loose,” it’s literally because he sucks in bed.  She’s not aroused or excited.  She’s not erect.  So there’s nothing hugging the penis when it’s inside her.  So she might feel loose.

The point is that the clit and dick are more similar than you realize.

Actually…

First of all, the clitoris and the penis are the same size.  You just don’t see as much of the clit.

Secondly, you’ve got that backwards, buddy.  The penis is just a large clitoris.

No, I’m serious.  Every single human being alive either currently has a clitoris, or had one at some point.

Every fetus starts out female.  And then, around 8-ish weeks, a male fetus will start generating testosterone, which will make the clitoris shift and change into a penis, with all the accompanying male reproductive organs.

This is why you can’t accurately tell the sex of a baby early.  It’s not because it’s “too small to see.”  We can see it just fine.  It’s because checking the sex too early will result in a lot of inaccurate pink gender reveal parties.  You’ve got to give the male genitalia enough time to shift and change enough that we can see it on a sonogram.

So yeah, the penis is just a large clitoris.

Except it’s not as sensitive as a clitoris.  The clitoris is indescribably sensitive.

No, you don’t understand, it’s fucking sensitive as fuck.

Is it really that sensitive?

Gentlemen, I’d like you to stop what you’re doing, reach down, and play with your penis.  Don’t worry, no one’s looking, I checked.

Focus on the head.  Run your fingers across it.  It’s pretty sensitive, right?  I’m serious, play with it a bit.  You know what you like, you know how you like to be touched there.  Feels good, doesn’t it?

That’s because there are 4,000 nerve endings packed into that small area.  Which is a lot.  It’s why I love playing with it.  You boys squirm so pretty when I do things to it.  It’s a button I can press that makes all kinds of fun noises.

Now, I’d like you to run your fingers across your head again, this time imagining that it’s twice as sensitive.  Imagine that there are twice as many nerve endings packed into the head of your dick.

Now, imagine that the head of your dick is a tenth of its size, with those 8,000 nerve endings packed into it.

It’s somewhat over-simplified, because there are different kinds of nerve endings, but that’s about what you’re looking at.  There are 8,000 nerve endings packed into the glans of the clitoris.  That tiny pea-sized button.  It’s ungodly sensitive.  To the point that, for a lot of women, touching it directly at all skips right past pleasurable, blows right by overstimulation, and lands right in the middle of oh-fucking-hell-that-hurts-knock-it-off-or-I’ll-set-your-car-on-fire.

Which is why the hood exists.  It protects the clitoris, thick enough to keep it from hurting when it’s touched, but thin enough that stimulating the hood feels damn good.  You can lick the hood, touch the hood, rub the hood, squeeze the hood, I mean, go nuts.  That’s why it’s there.

But

Unless a specific individual woman tells you she likes it, never, ever pull the hood up and touch her clit directly.  I guarantee you, as gentle as you think you’re being, it’s not going to feel good.

Here you can see the glans with the hood pulled back.  And honestly, owning one of these, myself, this picture makes me cringe.  I know what it feels like if the hood comes up accidentally and something brushes against it.  Ugh, not a pleasant feeling.

I, for example, don’t even like a guy touching the hood with anything other than his tongue.

Fingers?  God, no.

Most guys, in my experience, tend to use an upward, come-here type of motion on the clit, which pulls the hood up and exposes the glans.  And I have yet to find a human who does not have a clitoris who truly understands just how gentle you need to be with the glans itself.

When I say “be gentle,” be fucking gentle.

Don’t just shove your hand down there and start moving shit around.  Start slow.  If you’re unfamiliar with the woman and what she likes, start gently.

See Thor?

Don’t be Thor.

Here’s what you do when you’re fingering a woman’s clit and you don’t know exactly what she likes.  You get yourself to the point where you’re almost being too gentle.

And then be about twice as gentle as that.

If she wants you to go harder, she’ll let you know.  But it’s better to start slow and let her guide you, than to just dive in and accidentally touch the glans with your rough fingers, and then spend the next half hour peeling her off the ceiling.

I hate having the glans touched.  Touch it once, and I’m done.  Just done.  The hood is fantastic, go nuts, but if you pull it up and touch the glans, it’s like my entire reproductive system just shrivels up and withers into nothing.  Nope, nope, nope.

Stop touching, mood’s over, we’ll hang out and cuddle for a bit, and then maybe try again later.

It can’t be that sensitive, if tons of women have it pierced.

First of all, tons of women don’t have their clit pierced.

Some women choose to get it pierced, which, oh my gawd, you guys don’t even know.

You know when you see a guy take a really nasty hit in the balls, and it makes you cringe and squeeze your own legs together?  Yeah, that’s how I react when thinking about glans piercings.

It is a very rare piercing, though, and the majority of women can’t get it done even if they want to.  You need a larger-than-average glans to support the weight of the jewelry, and you need a small and thin enough hood to not interfere with the piercing.

It’s more common to see a clitoral hood piercing, although even that is rare, and a lot of women don’t have the anatomy for it.  For a hood piercing, you need the opposite for a glans piercing.  You need a smaller glans and a bigger hood, and there’s something about the specific placement and layout of the glans and hood that can make some women ineligible for it.

So guys, the clitoris is a pretty cool thing, and it’s sensitive as fuck.  So be gentle with it, but don’t be afraid or intimidated by it.  For purposes of making a woman happy, it’s no more complicated than your own setup.  Play with it.  Lick it.  Rub it.   Enjoy it.

She’ll definitely enjoy it.

Pretty surprise!

I love getting surprises. Don’t you love getting surprises?

My sissy sends me a good-morning text every morning, which I love waking up to.

But yesterday, there was something else, along with the text.

I mean, just… just, God damn, that is a hot fucking image to wake up to.

I was groggy and grumpy, as I usually am when I first wake up, and reached over and fumbled for the phone.  Just like every other morning.  And that’s what was waiting for me.

That’s how I knew it was going to be a good day.  I sure as hell wasn’t groggy or grumpy anymore.

And yeah, guys. This is what he wore under his suit at work.

No, seriously.

How. Fucking. Hot. Is. That.

And he’s sent me sexy pictures of what he wears under his clothes before.  As always, I love when he does.  It gives me even more amazing pictures to add to my ever-growing sissy porn stash.

It’s just so hot, you know?  Knowing that he goes through his daily life, wearing that under his clothes.  Not the stockings and thigh-highs, not every day, but panties, at the very least.  That’s all he wears, every day.

I love knowing that.

Hell, you could walk right by him, and you’d never know what he’s got on underneath. You’d never know that the suit and tie is just a costume, and he’s just pretending to be a real man.

You’d never know that he’s a pathetic, depraved, cockhungry little sissy.

But I know. And he knows.

And, of course, all of you know.

“Can I still be a Domme?”

Can I still be a Domme and like rough PIV sex?

Can I still be a Domme if I like anal?

What if I’ve had a bad day and just want someone to cuddle me?

Guys.

You’re overthinking this. Stop overthinking this.

The short answer? You can be whatever kind of Domme you want to be. There is no “wrong way” to be a Dominant. There is no universal set of rules you must follow.

What works for me may not necessarily work for you, and vice versa.

Dommes are individuals.

We are not a collective hive mind. There are as many ways to be a Domme as there are Dommes.

But this is why sexual compatibility is so important in my own relationships, and I think sexual compatibility should be at least somewhere on the list of priorities when you’re looking at a potential partner.

Because some subs can do the rough PIV sex thing with their Dominant. Some cannot. For some, it’s unnerving to try and get into a headspace to do that sort of thing. If you like rough sex, then you need a partner who can easily and eagerly give that to you.

And you’ll have to recognize that not all subs want that. Not all subs want to do that. And that’s okay.

It’s a relationship. You’re not going to be compatible with everyone. The trick is to be honest about what you want from the beginning.

But as far as the last question goes, this is actually a habit I’m seeing in a lot of different circles, and I don’t love it.

Because here’s the thing:

Dominants are human creatures.

Humans have emotions. Humans have bad days.

And Dommes are no exception. Being human and having bad days does not disqualify someone from being a Domme.

Femdom relationships are still relationships. If you’re in a relationship, and you can’t seek comfort from your partner when you need it, why are you in that relationship?

There’s a difference between a Female-Led Relationship and Femdom porn. Real life is not porn. No sane person expects you to be the heartless, cruel, strict, sadistic, leather-clad Dominatrix literally every waking moment.

You’re not a 2-dimensional caricature. You’re a person.

Any sub who doesn’t understand that, or is unwilling to provide the same kind of emotional support for you that you provide for him, isn’t worth your time. You’re in high enough demand that you don’t have to settle.

Under the costume

I’m missing my sissy this weekend. With Easter, and scheduling issues, we can’t hang out.

But he’s definitely going to make the most of Sissy Sunday, even if I can’t be there to hold him down and fuck him raw.

When he went out last night, I told him to dress sexy under his boy costume.

Naturally, he didn’t disappoint.

I mean, God damn, he looks so pretty in black lace, doesn’t he?

And I love knowing that he went out like that. People look at him and see a regular guy. They have no idea who he really is, under the facade. They have no idea how pretty he looks when he’s dressed up, with his makeup on, lying on his back, moaning and gasping as I fuck him.

My sissy is so fucking sexy.

You can’t do kink when you’re old

I had a woman actually say this to me today. She struggled to understand that for me, Femdom isn’t just a bedroom thing.

I explained that it’s more than a kink, it’s how I relate to my partners.

She responded with, “Okay yeah but that’s not sustainable. What will happen when you’re 80 and kink won’t be an option?”

First of all, what? Why wouldn’t kink be an option when I’m an old woman?

Bitch, lemme ‘splain something to you.

It’s like I’m looking into my own future…

You think sagging tits and wrinkles will stop me from enjoying my life? You don’t just stop being who you are when you get old.

The best part is that I won’t have to worry about longterm consequences of my decisions.

“You shouldn’t drink so much. It’s not good for you.”

Oh really? Is it not good for me? What’ll happen? Will I pay for it when I’m old? Shut up before I run you over with my walker.

Anyone who says the fun has to stop when you get old is an idiot.

Ass out of you and me

We all know what happens when we assume.

I think that’s my biggest gripe when talking to the muggles. Well over half of the conversation is spent correcting their assumptions.

And it’s not like people go around announcing their assumptions, and they don’t bother asking first, so a hefty chunk of the conversation doesn’t make sense to either of us, and then I have to dig into their head to figure out why.

I was talking to a vanilla acquaintance, who runs in my circle of vanilla friends who know about my kink life.

She had questions, and as long as people are polite, I’m fine with answering them. But the longer the conversation went on, the more frustrated I got.

But aren’t you worried about your daughter?

No. Why would I be?

I just don’t know if it’s healthy to expose a child to that.

Do you think I’m having orgies in front of my six-year-old?

Well, no, but just the energy. Kids can pick up on energy.

The energy is that I’m in charge. Just like a lot of vanilla families, where the wife is the disciplinarian, or the head of the household.

I just worry about how it will affect her relationships in the future.

Her relationships?

And by this point, it finally occurred to me that she was operating under an incorrect assumption, and I had to figure out what it was.

The thing that sucks is that it doesn’t occur to them that their assumption is wrong, it may not even occur to them that they’re making an assumption, so trying to figure out what they’re talking about is usually a pain.

I mean, just her ability to find love.

Why would it affect her ability to find love?

Well, if that’s what she sees as normal, it could impact the way she relates to men.

If what’s what she sees as normal?

Just you and your husband, the way you relate to him.

What, specifically, do you think will affect her?

Just the whole energy, you know?

What energy?

It took a while to figure out that she honestly thought I’m a Dominant because I hate men. She was concerned that my daughter would pick up on my seething hatred of anything male, and that she’d develop her own issues with men when she grew up.

I’m serious, you guys. It took almost ten minutes of us talking for me to figure out what was wrong.

I asked her: You like 50 Shades, right?

Because of course she does. She’s a vanilla, stay-at-home soccer mom with a teensy bit of a prescription drug problem and some major repressed emotions. I’ll bet you every cent I have that she has all of the books and went to go see the movies opening weekend.

Yeah.

Does whatshisname hate whatsherface? Does he hate women?

Well, no.

So why would it be any different for me?

But he stopped at the end.

Because that relationship is abusive af. Talk to literally any submissive woman. The relationship depicted in those books is not the norm, it’s not safe, and it’s not healthy.

Most of the conversation ended up with me explaining the differences between 50 Shades and a healthy D/s relationship. Just trying to undo all the wrong conclusions and incorrect assumptions about BDSM in her mind. It was exhausting, you guys.

And it’s annoying how much I’ve had to learn about those stupid books.

I refuse to read them. Outright refuse. Not just because I have zero interest or desire to read Maledom, but because I hate everything the books stand for, and what they’ve become.

If you try to talk to a vanilla person about BDSM, you have to know the books. You have to be able to explain just what is wrong with them, and why they are not a BDSM how-to manual. You have to be able to cite specific points in the story to prove your point.

Because for most people, those books are the extent of their BDSM knowledge.

And for the record, do I fault whatshername, the woman who wrote them?

No. She wrote a story that turned her on. It happened to turn a lot of other women on, too. I don’t even fault her for writing an abusive relationship. It’s obvious she has a consensual nonconsent fetish, and in the safety of fiction and fantasy, she was able to ramp that up as much as she wanted.

I’m writing a story with literal sex slaves. I mean, I get it. It’s just a story. You can do some fucked up shit in a story, because why not? It doesn’t hurt anyone.

That’s all it’s supposed to be. A fucking fictional story about fictional characters.

I do fault her for not coming out and publicly saying that her books are not a BDSM manual, and should not be considered an accurate example of a BDSM relationship.

Because poor, ignorant idiots are holding it up as the end-all, be-all of BDSM, and the assumptions they make about my relationships, because of the books, are worse than the vanilla people who have never read it.

Stop making assumptions, people. You’re wrong.