I mean, seriously?

I generally think I’m a pretty lucky person.  So often, it seems like the entire goddamned universe comes together to give me exactly what I want, exactly when I want it.

But I’ve had a pretty nasty run of luck the last few years with having shit stolen.  I’ve had my purse stolen, my ukulele and ferrets stolen, and we’ve had the kids living with us at the time go through and steal every dollar bill in the house.

Which sucks, but it happens.

And now there’s something else to add to that list.

I had coffee with a friend Monday night, and as kink is a popular topic, and we often end up comparing toys, I took my toybag with me.  I ended up staying late, and I was still dealing with the tail end of a cold, so when I got home, didn’t feel like bringing the toybag inside.

So I just left it in the car.  No big deal, I’ve done it plenty of times before.

Tuesday, Kazander needed some work done on his car, so he took mine to work.

Wednesday, I was going over to Sounder’s house.  I went out to grab my bag, to check that I had everything I wanted to bring with me.

Except my bag wasn’t in the car.

Well, Kazander must’ve brought it inside before he drove to work.  So I went in to grab it from the bedroom closet.

Except it wasn’t there, either.

Weird.

I texted Kazander, asking if he’d taken it out of the car.  He hadn’t.

So I must have just missed it somehow.  I went back out to the car.

It still wasn’t there.

What the hell?

I looked around.  Then I looked one more time, just for good measure.  When Kazander got home he went out to look himself, just in case I was like, high or blind or had lost my mind or something.

But it stubbornly stayed missing.

At some point between Monday and Wednesday, my bag was stolen out of my car.  I have no idea when.

But dude, I’d give my left tit to see the look on the asshole’s face when they open it up and see what’s inside.

Of course, what’s inside is like a thousand dollars worth of shit.  Sex toys are not cheap, m’kay.  I had a couple of Aneros plugs, some glass dildos and plugs, a Rabbit, a Feeldoe, an E-stim kit, a handmade leather bullwhip, flogger, urethral sound kit…. dude, so much stuff.

This shit is not going to be cheap to replace.  And pretty much every toy I own was in that bag.  I’ve got to start almost from scratch.

So that’s a bummer.  I’m not thrilled about it.

First on my list is a new strapon harness.  I need to be able to fuck my sissy whenever I want.  And interestingly enough, I was just talking to Sounder about how I needed to get a larger dildo to use with him.

So at least there’s that.

But I’m definitely ready for this streak of bad luck to be over.

 

Old Guard

Old Guard came up in a conversation recently, and the young woman I was speaking to asked, “So wait, aren’t you Old Guard?”

I’ve been asked this question a lot, and the answer is no, I am not.

My mentor was Old Guard, and he trained me in the Old Guard ideals and methods, even invited me to join his House when I turned 18, but no, I am not Old Guard.

One of the reasons is that, to be a Dominant in an Old Guard House, you must start as a submissive.

Everyone in Old Guard starts as a submissive.

I never did.  I never wanted to, but even if I had wanted to, I wouldn’t have been able to.

I met my mentor when I was 16 and he was in his 40s.  The legal age of consent was 16, so I mean, it technically could’ve happened, but for one, he was uncomfortable with the morality of being the Dominant of a 16-year-old girl, and for two, I had literally zero interest in being a submissive, and for three, that just wasn’t our relationship.

He and I were never sexual together.  I was physical with his submissive wife and a few of the male submissives of his Old Guard House, but even that was more clinical than anything, with him using them to teach me.  For example, he taught me how to find a man’s prostate, how to do urethral sounds on both male and female genitalia, where on the body it’s safe to hit and where you need to use caution, etc.

But my age was a huge obstacle when it came to joining his House, or joining the kink community in general.  I mean, even without potential legal issues of me being a minor, no one takes a teenage Dominant seriously.

And I can’t blame them.  Even now, it’s not easy for me for take young Dominants seriously.

But the other thing is that Old Guard was dying as I entered the scene.  All of a sudden, Old Guard became the new black, and everyone was popping up saying that they were Old Guard.

This made my mentor incredibly bitter, and understandably so.

To fully understand his bitterness, you have to know the history of Old Guard, and why it was created.  Because there’s an entire culture here in this country that most people know nothing about.

Old Guard began as a community for gay military men and veterans, where they could find acceptance and brotherhood after coming home from war zones and feeling more threatened here than they did there.

 

And honestly, seeing the culture, seeing the bond with the members of his House, hearing the stories of these servicemen and women, and then seeing their culture get stepped on and trampled, I was pretty bitter about all the people jumping out of the woodwork, claiming to be Old Guard, too.

Old Guard was something special that these veterans had, that they created because serving in a war zone was easier than trying to live in their own damn country.

And that’s just one thing I have to say real quick.  Because in this country, the Republican hate group political party loves to talk about veterans, but they never want to help them or try to understand them.

But for all the faults in the military (rapes and sexual assaults have been a problem), they have always been very accepting of those who are different.  Yes, you had Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, but I’ve spoken to gay veterans who were in combat situations or very, very tense situations, and being able to just be who they are, with no drama.

Because the other guys in your unit didn’t care.  As long as you could pull your weight and watch their backs, they didn’t care whether you liked pussy or dick.  They had actual problems and real shit to worry about.

When you could legitimately have your car randomly blown up by a 6-year-old with a flame thrower, shit like what consenting adults do in their private time really just doesn’t matter all that much to you.

It’s called perspective, m’kay.

And now, we’re seeing the same thing with trans people.  Trans people in Iraq and Afghanistan and other unpleasant places are actually happier there than they are at home, because there, it’s just no big deal.  People are more worried about being blown up or shot, or what they’re going to do if they see a 6-year-old with a flame thrower walking toward them.

They don’t have time to worry about whether you’ve got a cock or a cunt under your clothes.  They’re busy.

So these servicemen and women can just be who they are.  Trans men can just be men.  Trans women can just be women.  No one fucking cares.

And it’s a major, major failure on the part of our country when a veteran feels more comfortable in a combat zone than their own country, their own home.

But gay and trans servicemen aren’t the only ones we shit on, and this is a big part of what made Old Guard so popular.

We just have so little understanding of the mental and emotional needs of a veteran.  We take these kids, these teenagers, and we put them in some pretty fucked up situations, where they have to make some pretty fucked up decisions, and we have such a limited understanding of what that does to a person’s mind, and we never want to fund the research to figure out how to help them.

For example, we’re only just recently starting to treat a whole new condition, called Trauma-Associated Sleep Disorder (TSD), which was originally thought to be a form of PTSD, but none of the traditional PTSD treatments worked.  It’s only been in the last couple of years that we’re realizing it’s a totally different condition, and that we need to treat it as a totally different condition.

And then you have a rather large number of people who insist that things like PTSD and TSD are not real, and just made up because they don’t like science and facts.

Even now, even today, there are tons and tons of veterans who wish they could go back to the war zones.  Because here, they’re surrounded by very bored people who will never understand them, in a country that ignores and abandons them, and they’re expected to just seamlessly fit back in to civilian life, with literally no mental or emotional support structure at all.

Guys, do you have any idea just how fucked up that is?  Like, could you even imagine what that’s like?

Because I sure as hell can’t.

That’s why Old Guard was created, y’all.  That’s what it was.

These gay men came home from those terrible, gruesome places, and all of a sudden, being gay was a huge deal again.  They missed the closeness and the brotherhood and the acceptance that they felt while they were serving.  Old Guard was their way of coming together and supporting one another.

And after awhile, it got big.  It wasn’t just gay men anymore, or veterans.  But that was always the base of every House.  My mentor allowed anyone to join his House, but to be a leader, you had to be a veteran.  It’s my understanding that pretty much every House had that requirement, or a similar one.  Because veterans are the ones that understand that culture, and they’re the ones that needed it.

So yeah, knowing the history, and seeing it just trampled on by all these idiots jumping up and claiming to be Old Guard, I could definitely understand why my mentor was bitter.

And it infuriated me.  Because I loved my mentor.  He was my first real love.  He taught me how to love myself, and how to accept myself.  He showed me how to be okay with my past.

He saved my life.  I can honestly say, with 100% certainty, that if it hadn’t been for him, I’d be dead or in prison now.  He made me who I am.

I loved him.  I respected and admired him.  Watching stupid, bored, insecure assholes shit on him and his culture, because it “sounded so super cool,” was infuriating.  They had no idea what they were doing, what they were destroying.

 

I mean, we as a country love to shit all over our veterans, and the bastardization and death of Old Guard was just another shining example.

I wasn’t going to be a part of that.  And I won’t be a part of that.

What are we like in real life?

I have a question.  What are Dominatrixes like in real life?  Are they bossy in their everyday life and like to give orders or are they nice people?

Yes.

I mean, I usually try to be a nice person.  I volunteer with veterans, I’m going through the process of getting my rescued, rehabilitated pit bull certified as an AKC therapy dog, I donate to Toys for Tots and send care packages to deployed soldiers every Christmas, basically I try to do what I can to create the kind of world I want my daughter to live in.

I can also work well in groups.  If I’m not the one in charge, I do my part to ensure efficiency.  I can put my ego away and do what I’m told to get the job done.

However, I generally prefer being the one in charge.  When I am, I have a plan and my goal is efficiency.  If I’m your boss, hell-fucking-yes I’m comfortable giving you orders and chewing you out if you don’t follow them.

I also have a bit of a confrontational side.  If you’re a dick, all bets are off.  I can out-asshole the biggest asshole.

That’s me, though.  I’m one Domme.

And I think what you’re forgetting is that Dommes are people.  There are good ones and bad ones, nice ones and mean ones, there are as many variations in personality as there are in literally any group of people.

A good, thorough fucking

It had been awhile since I’d been able to give Sounder a real fucking.  We were both eager for that to change.

And from the very first moment I bent him over the island in his kitchen, and slid a finger in him, he was every bit the eager anal whore you’d expect a sissy to be.  Pushing back against me, humping himself on my hand, wanting to be filled up, it was really hot.

I always love watching him squirm.

It was especially hot once I got him in the bedroom and started putting toys in him.  I will never get tired of watching him fuck himself on whatever’s in him.

20171105_185154

I can’t wait to take a picture like this, but with a real cock inside him, instead of a toy.

At first, he was so tight.  It had been too long since I’ve really had my way with his pussy, so I was gentle.  I started small and gradually worked my way up in size.  Because I’m so totally nice like that.

All I know is that he’s going to make a man very happy when I put a real cock inside him.  And how awesome are backless panties?  The more he wears them, the more I love them.  So sexy, so convenient.

I don’t even have to undress him, all I have to do is bend him over.

When I finally switched to my strap-on, the look on his face as I filled him up was priceless.  It had been awhile since he’d had anything that big in him.

I turned him onto his back, pushed his knees up, exposing that tight, pink ass, and rammed my cock in.

He looks damn good with something in him, by the way.

I don’t think it was a full minute before he came.  And then came again.  And again.

We’ll definitely have to work on his stamina.  He starts getting exhausted and raw after about ten orgasms.  He’ll have way more than that when he’s fucked by half a dozen men.

Eventually, though, I had mercy on him, and decided to play with my clothespins, instead.  You know, because I’m nice like that.

 

20171105_185727

Super nice

He really is so adorable when he’s in pain.  And the best part about clothespins is that they hurt more coming off than they do going on.  Makes it easy to drag out the pain, really savor those reactions.

And he’s got a new hypnosis recording to listen to every day.  I’m going to brainwash him into a mindless sissy fucktoy.  He’s going to dream about being gangbanged, he’s going to crave men’s cocks in him.

Eventually, it will even seep into his everyday life.  He’ll be at work and see a hot guy, and an image of that guy bending him over his desk and fucking him will flash through his mind.  He’ll imagine what that man’s cock will taste like.  What it’ll feel like to have it throb in his mouth as it shoots down his throat.

Just a quick flash.  But they’ll start happening more and more, until that’s the norm, until he doesn’t remember what it feels like not to picture men fucking him.  He’ll forget what it feels like not to crave a man’s dick inside him.

It’s going to be so much fun, it really is.

Facials are fun

So I’ve had the worst luck with electronics lately.  For the last two weeks, I’ve been without a computer.  But it finally got in, yay!

And there’s a lot to be happy about.

In two weeks, I’ll get to see Southern again.  It’s been a couple of years since I’ve seen him, so I’m looking forward to that.

And, for those of you who check out Jessie’s blog (and all of you really should), you may have noticed a fun little game I played with him, where he had to send a text to Kazander, asking him to cum in his mouth.

Fun stuff, it really is.

So he sent the message, and a few days later, Kazander and I pulled up to the house.

I was beaming from the moment we walked through the door.

Jessica was dressed in her gorgeous corset, backless panties, stockings, heels, her hair and makeup done.  She looked sexy as hell.

Her face looked so pretty, I just had to stick a penis in it.

And Kazander is quite the Top, as it turns out.  When we’d talk about how we wanted the evening to go, I often had to remind him that we could push Jessie, we could have all sorts of fun fucking with him, but we had to exercise some restraint, as well.

We had to toe the line between intense and too intense, but we couldn’t violently shove him into the deep end with no warning.

“Dear, if we break our toy, we won’t be able to play with her anymore.”

You know, balance.

But as I’ve said before, I’d much rather have to hold him back than try to pull enthusiasm out of someone who’s just not feeling it.  The fact that he’s sort of taken this and run with it is a million kinds of freakin’ awesome.

And he has the benefit of having been my sub for 7 years now, so he knows me, he knows the kinds of mindfucks I like, and he knows the general flow of how I like having sessions go.  His biggest kink is humiliation, so he’s very experienced in the field of receiving it.  Since he’s got the switchy tendencies, he can take what he finds hot when he’s in the submissive headspace and turn it around when we’re with Jessie.

So now I have someone to help me utterly humiliate and degrade my sissy.  Which is a huge, massive bonus for me.

We sat down on the couch, and I had Jessie get on all fours at our feet.  Only a moment later, Kazander’s cock was in her mouth.

I was determined to make it last longer than last time, though.  I wanted to really savor the experience.  I wanted to draw it out a bit, and let all three of us enjoy it.

Well, let two of us enjoy it, anyway.

That morning, and the previous night, I’d had Kazander cum.  Normally, I enjoy keeping him chaste and denied, so he doesn’t last very long when I do let him cum.

Last time, that (combined with Jessica’s exceptional cock-sucking skills) resulted in him cumming too quickly.  I made sure to prepare so that didn’t happen this time.

It was so hot watching Jessie suck Kazander’s cock, watching her head bob up and down as she deepthroated him.  She’s definitely been practicing.

After a moment, I knelt down on the floor next to her and reached behind her, rubbing her clit.  Her p-spot has always been so sensitive, and I wanted to see if rubbing it would have an effect on her cock-sucking.

You know, for science.

She started squirming, arching her back, pushing her ass out against my hand, very literally humping my hand while she sucked his cock.

I grinned and looked up to Kazander when I heard a soft moan come from her.  “Does this make a difference?” I asked him.

“Oh yeah,” he replied.  “Whatever you’re doing, she likes it.”

My hypothesis was confirmed.  Gotta love science.

It was so hot watching her, squirming and writhing and moaning, her moans muffled by Kazander’s cock.

One of the things Kazander had suggested earlier was giving Jessie a facial, and cumming on her face, instead of in her mouth.  I was intrigued by the idea, but didn’t really think much of it.  We’d already settled on making Jessie swallow his load.  I didn’t see a reason to change the plan.

But when Kazander told me he was getting close, I suddenly changed my mind.

“Stop,” I told her.  “Lie down on your back.  He’s going to cum on your face.”

So she did, obediently lying underneath Kazander, her head between his legs, her eyes closed, while Kazander jerked off onto her face.

And she looked so pretty with his cum all over her face.  But then again, she’s a sissy, it’s pretty common knowledge that they always look good drenched in real men’s cum.

She wasn’t done, though.  Before she could move, I reached down and rubbed it all over her face, then put a cum-covered finger against her lips.

“Open,” I said.

Reluctantly, she obeyed, and I pushed my finger into her mouth.

“Suck it clean, that’s a good girl.”

Kazander went to get himself cleaned up, and I had Jessie sit at my feet, rubbing Kazander’s cum all over her face and making her suck it off my fingers.

The awesome thing was after a few seconds, that reluctance disappeared, and she leaned against me, enthusiastically sucking and licking my fingers clean.

Like a good little cumslut.

And honestly, that was my favorite part of the whole thing.  Just the way she completely embraced that sissy mindset, the way she eagerly sucked the cum off my fingers, it was just so damn fucking hot.

My precious sissy whore.

After Kazander left, I let Jessie come up and sit next to me on the couch, and rubbed her clit some more.  She came again and again, with Kazander’s cum drying on her face, and the taste of it in her mouth.

There was a funny moment, though.  We all know she can’t cum like a man anymore, she doesn’t even squirt.

Every time she came, she looked down to Tammi Lynn, tucked away in her panties.

“Are you checking to see if you squirted?” I asked after the third-ish time.

“Hoping I had,” she answered.

“Hoping you’d squirted?  Why?”

“Because then at least there’d be something to get the taste out of my mouth.”

“Oh, you mean the taste of another man’s cum?  Was that what you meant?”

“How’d you guess?”

And naturally, I found that just wildly entertaining.

My sissy bitch was hoping she could cum like a man, so that I would feed it to her, to get the taste of Kazander’s cum out of her mouth.

That’s where her mind went.  That’s the solution she came up with for how to get the taste out of her mouth — using her own cum to do it.

I mean, how awesome is that?

My precious sissy is growing up.

Entitlement and liberation

First, thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in the last couple days.  I’m alright, we were at home when the shooting happened, all of my family and friends are alright.

I received this comment on my last post.

Thanks for this excellent reply.

I think many men -myself included- thought: “So women got the right to vote, the right to have a career, even the right to join the military. And what did we get?

I honestly feel jealous at women for being able to behave both feminine and masculine and being accepted both ways, while men aren’t.

And that’s the reason why many men have chosen toxic hypermasculinity. For women there was a clear idea or direction, what they should become i.e. pursuing the same career paths and hobbies as men did. Men on the other hand lacked a new direction and felt confused and insecure about their identity, so they chose the path of “masculinity at all costs” which gave them a clear cut direction or ideal, even though it had some pretty negative consequences.

Feminists have made a mistake, when they believed, they could just improve womens position completely isolated from men and then neglect mens issues within the patriarchy.

So this begs the question: “What’s the alternative for men?”

I thought maybe it’s time for some sort of “mens liberation” from the outdated ideas of what it means to be a men.

But as for the “How?”, I can only think of two things, where men and society as a whole could work on:

1. Working on mens ability to express and deal with their emotions.

This would be one of the most important points and ease a lot of mens issues, like suicide and violent crime.

2. Improving mens ability to be a father.

However currently the laws on paternity and divorce, as well as the working conditions in many parts of the western world aren’t exactly encouraging men to be a father and spend more time with their children.

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Ambidexter.

I can totally understand where you’re coming from, and agree with most of what you’ve said. But quick thing…

I think many men -myself included- thought: “So women got the right to vote, the right to have a career, even the right to join the military. And what did we get?”

Um, literally all of that?

Why do you think you’re entitled to something for finally treating other human beings as huiman beings?  You don’t deserve a cookie for allowing other humans to be equal to you.

You say we got those rights like we should be grateful.  Like it’s something special to be allowed to vote or serve our country.

… even the right to join the military.

Ho… ly… shit, dude.  That is so not the way to endear yourself to women.

No, we are not grateful for these rights that should have been ours from the dawn of time.  We’re resentful that men of past generations denied them to us for so long.  And we’re pissed that we’re still having to fight for it.

And here’s the thing about men being accepted for expressing themselves in both ways.  I get that you resent that women can do it.  I’d resent it too, if I was a guy.

I mentioned Bill Burr, how he resented women for it.

But ask yourself what’s stopping you from feminine or sensitive behaviors?  Think about that for a minute.  Honestly, what’s stopping you from having the same freedom women do?

Literally nothing but your fear of being made fun of.  That’s fucking it.

No I’m serious, I want you to take a minute and let that sink in.  The only thing stopping Bill Burr in his routine was he was worried about what his friends would think.  He was literally saying that his friends’ opinions were more important than his own mental and physical health.  That the reason men drop dead at 55 is because they’re that worried about what other people think of them.

I’m serious, take a minute and just let that sink in.

Women don’t and didn’t have that same fear.  When women were ridiculed and ostracized, by both men and other women, for things like wearing pants, getting a job, or divorcing an abusive husband, they didn’t care.  Their position of powerlessness conditioned them with the strength to stand up for themselves, despite what society thought of them.

Men as a whole have never had that same struggle.  They’ve never had to fight to be heard, they’ve never had to work to be seen as human.  So they’ve never developed that specific kind of courage.

And you’re right, feminists don’t focus on men’s issues often (although it’s interesting to see reactions on social media when stories of men or boys being raped by women break.  It’s primarily feminists who speak out in support of the victim, while the majority of male commenters say he should’ve enjoyed it. Also, when I posted about female on male abuse, it was exclusively men who argued with me, saying that female on male abuse is impossible, and I’m trivializing female abuse victims).

But here’s the thing: it’s feminism. You don’t get angry at the ASPCA for not doing enough to end world hunger.  You don’t blame the Salvation Army for not doing anything about global warming.

Feminism focuses on feminist issues.  Just like Black Lives Matter focuses on issues that black people face in this country.  And Pinktober, as fucking stupid as it is, focuses on breast cancer.

Does that mean that men have no problems?  Of course not, and I’ve detailed on this blog a number of problems men face that I could never imagine.  Toxic masculinity, lack of resources and support available to male abuse and sexual assault victims, and general attitudes toward men, and the steps they have to take to avoid being seen as a threat are specific examples I’ve spoken about in the last year or so.

That’s a significant problem with the masculinist and feminist crowds.  They’re locked in this battle of who has it worse, and resent each other to the point that trying to make any kind of forward progress on either side is almost impossible.

But they are not mutually exclusive.  I’m a feminist and a masculinist.  Lots of people are.  I think most sane people are.

But expecting feminists to work on men’s issues is unrealistic.  That means I need to bombard Men’s Movement and the National Coalition for Men with hate mail because they’ve done nothing to help women gain affordable access to birth control.

This entitlement that some people feel is genuinely harmful.  I would like to reiterate: women owe men nothing for the rights we have as human beings and as American citizens.  Literally nothing.

We should have always had them.  The fact that we had to fight for them at all really doesn’t paint the male gender in a fantastic light.

Men of the past were fucking idiots and small-minded assholes with tiny egos and were intimidated by women.  You don’t get an award for not being a dick.  It’s just kind of expected.

Just like white people didn’t deserve an award for freeing slaves.  And the fact that so many white people were so against freeing them, they started a war and  were willing to kill American citizens for it, really doesn’t paint us in a fantastic light.

The ones who owned slaves were straight up assholes.  No one gets a cookie for not being an asshole.  My mom’s family is from the south.  My ancestors owned slaves (and on my dad’s side, my grandmother’s first husband was a Nazi.  Fabulous family history).  Do I deserve a medal because I’m not a racist fucktard like my direct ancestors?

No.  It’s just kind of expected of me as a human being.

Also, why does improving women’s position within society (you know, to the point that they are seen as human) threaten men?  Why do we need to compensate men for having basic human rights?  I’m honestly asking, I want to know.  What is it, exactly, that you think we owe you?

As for your question about men’s liberation and encouraging positive relationships with their emotions, I 100% agree with you.  Luckily, things are slowly changing, but it’s still widely looked down on for a man to show any emotion outside of anger.  Men aren’t encouraged to experience and process their emotions.  They’re not encouraged to seek professional help when they need it.

Which is why things like depression go undiagnosed and untreated, and result in men committing suicide three times more than women.

It’s tragic, but the more we talk about it, the more we pound it into people’s heads that men are human, with human brains and human emotions, and they need healthy emotional outlets, because that’s how human brains work, the more society will continue to shift to be more accepting of that.

And ugh, don’t get me started on how badly fathers are shafted when it comes to parental law.  We had our own little minor run-in with that when the spawn was born.

Kazander and I weren’t married.  In the state of Nevada, if the parents are not married, the father must waive his right to a paternity test in order to be acknowledged as the father on the birth certificate.

Naturally, when I found this out, I lost my shit.

Like, are you fucking serious?

So in order for a father to get his parental rights, he has to sign away one of his parental rights.

Kazander actually wasn’t as pissed about it as I was.  He signed the paper, he was put on her birth certificate as her father, and life went on.  And in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t matter.  She’s his kid, beyond a shadow of a doubt.  It was just the principle of the thing, you know?  If I was a guy, and a father, I’d be furious.

That’s a much harder thing to fix than men’s acceptable range of gender expression.  All a guy has to do for gender expression is tell his friends to fuck off.  Fathers’ rights and the way they’re fucked by the legal system doesn’t have a simple answer like that.

Because the reason it got this way in the first place is because child-rearing was traditionally seen as a mother’s job, and men didn’t (and often still don’t) participate much in their kids’ lives.

To quote my daughter when she was… 4, I think, “Daddies don’t keep babies company.  Daddies go to work.  It’s the mommy’s job to keep the baby company.”

Naturally, after this, Kazander and I had a long conversation about how he needs to act once he gets home, and how he needs to play a bigger role in her life.  Because I’ll be damned if she’s going to grow up thinking that’s what a father is.

For the longest time, though, that was the norm.  Fathers just didn’t participate in kids’ lives.

So when the parents split, is the court going to give the kids to an absentee parent who supports them financially, or are they going to give the kids to the more present parent and demand that the father still support them financially?

The answer is an obvious one, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one.  We need to continue changing the way men see fatherhood.  And it’s slowly happening.  Go on Facebook or YouTube and you see tons of adorable viral videos of fathers and their young children.  There’s some good momentum there, but we need to keep it going for a long time before we start seeing changes in the legal system.

Because as men’s rights groups and society as a whole continue to encourage men to take a more active role as fathers, I think it will begin to change the way courts see fathers, as well.

So I think that men are going to continue gaining more and more freedom as time goes on, but we can’t be afraid of talking about it.  And we can’t allow resentment or an “us versus them” mentality to take root.  Men and women are not enemies; feminists and masculinists are not enemies.  We’re simply attacking the same problem from different angles.  And the sooner we can stop competing with one another and start working together, the faster progress will be.

I think the best thing men can do right now, something they can implement in their lives today, that will help combat toxic masculinity, is to simply push themselves to show just a little sensitivity or vulnerability every day.  It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just step a toe out of that comfort zone.

Just one thing a day.  Say the puppy on the street is adorable.  When your coworker gets flowers from her boyfriend, say they look nice.  Tell people that you loved that new sappy romantic movie that came out.  Acknowledge a cloud that looks like a bunny.  I don’t care, something.

And what’ll happen is that, over time, it’ll condition men to develop a better relationship with their own masculinity.  They won’t feel their masculinity threatened by femininity or vulnerability or emotion.

And as a side effect, things like sensitivity and vulnerability will stop being gender-specific traits (they never should have been gender-specific traits in the first place, because again, humans literally don’t work that way).  So men will begin to feel more comfortable and secure in their masculinity, and won’t constantly feel the need to prove how manly they are.

Which will make them happier and healthier all the way around.

Sexism and forced feminization

I received this comment on my Why Idiots are Idiots post:

Dear Jen,

I would really like to know your opinion regarding forced feminization.

You see, forced feminization means that a male submissive is being degraded and humiliated by training and transforming him into a more feminine role and body. Does this imply that the femininity is somehow inferior to masculinity? I’m honestly confused about this.

Also, I find it interesting that there is no counterpart “forced masculinization”, where a maledom for example cuts his subs hair short, binds her breasts back and makes her fix his car.

Alright, I’ll be honest, this isn’t the first time I’ve been asked this question, and of course I’ve seen all the articles and angry blog posts talking about how forced feminization is sexist because it reinforces the idea that feminizing a man makes him less, because femininity is less.  Usually, I just roll my eyes, shake my head, and ignore it.  For many reasons, and I’ll get into a couple here.  However, since you were polite in your comment, I’ll take the time to answer.

But before I get into all that, there’s one thing I want to point out, because this mindset pervades many different kinks and fetishes.

The BBW fetish demeans plus size women. Femdom porn demeans women because it’s unrealistic and puts women in overly sexual outfits.  Being into blondes or Asians or petite women is demeaning because it fetishizes their appearance.  With basically every fetish out there, you have people who say it’s demeaning.

Here’s the thing, though.

I don’t fucking care.

I don’t care whether my fetishes are politically correct or not.  I’m not watching porn or feminizing Jessie for social commentary.  I’m literally just trying to get off.

It’s what I do, in private, with consenting adults, that doesn’t affect anyone else outside of the people right there with me.  It affects literally no one else.

It’s just a fetish.  People have some pretty fucked up ones.  As long as mentally sound adults consent to the fetish and it doesn’t cause unreasonable damage (No, I’m not castrating a man in my living room because he has a castration fetish), who cares?  It’s literally just a fetish.

It’s not like a sexual fetish is going to determine one’s vote.

And sure, maybe the BBW fetish is demeaning.  Maybe the only reason some men have been into me was because they fetishized my body.

But quick, guess who still got off on those guys.  So why do I care?

So that’s the quick answer.  But as far as forced feminization goes, it’s not the right answer.

The seemingly popular idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior is just plain wrong.

Why?

The answer is laughably complicated, and yeah, some of it has origins in toxic masculinity, but mostly it has to do with one’s identity.  My last post touched on the subject of identity, and the brain’s habit of desperately clinging to that identity.

For most men today, masculinity has been put up on this pedestal and heralded as the end-all, be-all of manhood, to the point that anything feminine, any show of sensitivity or softness or vulnerability leaves a man open to ridicule.

It is a massive part of what it means to be a man.  It’s a huge part of manhood as an identity.

And it’s sad, it really is, because it cheapens manhood as a whole.  It makes manhood shallow, nothing more than a collection of behaviors and attitudes current society has deemed masculine.

Back in the day, the epitome of manhood was being considered a gentleman.  And culturally, what was a gentleman?  He was kind, polite, responsible, and protective of those around him, quick to sacrifice his own comfort for the comfort of others.  He took care of his responsibilities, he did what was best for those who depended on him, he had the balls to admit when he needed help, and vulnerability or sensitivity were part of his identity.

A gentleman was not an unfeeling dudebro who could outdrink his buddies.  His identity as a man was not wrapped up in how masculine he was.

Of course, society back then was very, very far from perfect, so don’t think I’m putting that type of man on a pedestal.  I’m simply pointing out that society had a better relationship with masculinity back then.

This hyper masculinity is a relatively recent thing.  I’ve read it speculated that it has to do with the rise of women’s rights and feminism being seen as threatening to men of that time, who in turn clung to their masculinity and created the toxic relationship with it that they then pounded into their sons and grandsons and so on until it became a societal norm, something expected from all men.

Whether that’s true or not isn’t the point.  The point is that we as a culture have developed an extremely unhealthy relationship with masculinity and masculine behaviors.

Obviously that’s the problem with toxic masculinity, and one of the many effects it has had on many men is that it influences their identity greatly.  Masculinity is a huge part of the average guy’s identity.  Whether or not that’s a good or bad thing is a different conversation, trust me, this will be long enough.  The result is still the same.  It’s a big part of who they are.

And what happens when you force someone to give up such a big part of their identity?

It’s uncomfortable, even painful, and, depending on the context, deeply humiliating.

Just as with pretty much anything else, there is a group of people who have fetishized that discomfort and pain, and when performed in a consensual relationship with clearly-defined boundaries and limitations, those people can enjoy the discomfort the same way physical masochists enjoy the pain of being hit.

And it’s true not just with masculinity and femininity, but with anything an individual holds as a major part of their identity.

For example, Kazander and I used to switch for his birthday.  My longtime readers are very much aware of how much I dreaded and disliked it, how unnatural and uncomfortable it was for me, how it took days to literally shut off portions of my personality, and even that wasn’t enough to make me a “good” sub.  And yes, it was often humiliating.  Unfortunately for him (and me), I don’t fetishize receiving that humiliation, and it annoyed me more than anything else.

It was humiliating because my Dominance is such an integral part of who I am, and switching runs so deeply counter to that, it was a constant struggle for me.

But does the fact that I found it humiliating mean that I see submission as inferior to Dominance?  No.

For example, you don’t have to be a longtime reader to know how much I respect and admire Jessie.  And as it happens, I asked him how he would feel about switching.

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Needless to say, he was not a fan of the idea.  It would be so deeply uncomfortable for him, he wouldn’t be able to enjoy it.  Because that is far outside the boundaries and limitations of what becomes fetishized in his brain.

Because that’s just not who he is.  That’s not how he relates to someone in a sexual capacity.  That’s not how he and I relate to each other.

Trying to force him to be my Dominant in a session would be far more uncomfortable than putting him in a dress, or even forcing him to take a man’s cock in his ass.  The fact that it would create so much nervousness and anxiety in him would absolutely manifest as humiliation.

Does that mean that Dominance is inferior to submission, because he would find it humiliating?  No.  It’s just counter to who he is.

Have you noticed how effeminate men, or men who don’t have masculinity as such a big part of their identity, don’t feel the same discomfort or humiliation at being feminized?  Forced feminization as a tool to humiliate and degrade only works if masculinity plays a central role in who a man is.

As it happens, it’s a societal norm for masculinity to play that big a role in a man’s identity, so it is humiliating and degrading for most men in today’s society.

And yes, toxic masculinity is responsible for the sheer number of men who hold their masculinity as such a big part of who they are.  But it’s not any more sexist to fetishize that than it is to fetishize a skin color or hair color or height or weight or literally anything else.

You don’t see forced masculinization because women don’t have that same problem.  We don’t hold our femininity as such a huge part of our identity.  We have more cultural freedom, so we’re all over the gender expression spectrum.  We aren’t particularly attached to one or the other the way men are.

So we don’t feel the humiliation, but we can still feel that discomfort.

Like me, for example.  I don’t like sliding too far to either side of that spectrum.  Sure, I can dress up and be uber ultra feminine, but I have to be able to move back to the masculine side.  You mention a Dom forcing a female sub to fix his car.  I can change my body language and speech patterns and be just as masculine as any guy, and talk cars with the best of them, but I have to be able to move back to the feminine side.

Too far in either direction doesn’t cause the same humiliation that it causes in most men, because gender is not as big a part of my identity, but it’s not pleasant, because it’s not who I am.

So I mean, this idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior to masculinity just doesn’t hold up under close scrutiny.  It doesn’t work.