Facials are fun

So I’ve had the worst luck with electronics lately.  For the last two weeks, I’ve been without a computer.  But it finally got in, yay!

And there’s a lot to be happy about.

In two weeks, I’ll get to see Southern again.  It’s been a couple of years since I’ve seen him, so I’m looking forward to that.

And, for those of you who check out Jessie’s blog (and all of you really should), you may have noticed a fun little game I played with him, where he had to send a text to Kazander, asking him to cum in his mouth.

Fun stuff, it really is.

So he sent the message, and a few days later, Kazander and I pulled up to the house.

I was beaming from the moment we walked through the door.

Jessica was dressed in her gorgeous corset, backless panties, stockings, heels, her hair and makeup done.  She looked sexy as hell.

Her face looked so pretty, I just had to stick a penis in it.

And Kazander is quite the Top, as it turns out.  When we’d talk about how we wanted the evening to go, I often had to remind him that we could push Jessie, we could have all sorts of fun fucking with him, but we had to exercise some restraint, as well.

We had to toe the line between intense and too intense, but we couldn’t violently shove him into the deep end with no warning.

“Dear, if we break our toy, we won’t be able to play with her anymore.”

You know, balance.

But as I’ve said before, I’d much rather have to hold him back than try to pull enthusiasm out of someone who’s just not feeling it.  The fact that he’s sort of taken this and run with it is a million kinds of freakin’ awesome.

And he has the benefit of having been my sub for 7 years now, so he knows me, he knows the kinds of mindfucks I like, and he knows the general flow of how I like having sessions go.  His biggest kink is humiliation, so he’s very experienced in the field of receiving it.  Since he’s got the switchy tendencies, he can take what he finds hot when he’s in the submissive headspace and turn it around when we’re with Jessie.

So now I have someone to help me utterly humiliate and degrade my sissy.  Which is a huge, massive bonus for me.

We sat down on the couch, and I had Jessie get on all fours at our feet.  Only a moment later, Kazander’s cock was in her mouth.

I was determined to make it last longer than last time, though.  I wanted to really savor the experience.  I wanted to draw it out a bit, and let all three of us enjoy it.

Well, let two of us enjoy it, anyway.

That morning, and the previous night, I’d had Kazander cum.  Normally, I enjoy keeping him chaste and denied, so he doesn’t last very long when I do let him cum.

Last time, that (combined with Jessica’s exceptional cock-sucking skills) resulted in him cumming too quickly.  I made sure to prepare so that didn’t happen this time.

It was so hot watching Jessie suck Kazander’s cock, watching her head bob up and down as she deepthroated him.  She’s definitely been practicing.

After a moment, I knelt down on the floor next to her and reached behind her, rubbing her clit.  Her p-spot has always been so sensitive, and I wanted to see if rubbing it would have an effect on her cock-sucking.

You know, for science.

She started squirming, arching her back, pushing her ass out against my hand, very literally humping my hand while she sucked his cock.

I grinned and looked up to Kazander when I heard a soft moan come from her.  “Does this make a difference?” I asked him.

“Oh yeah,” he replied.  “Whatever you’re doing, she likes it.”

My hypothesis was confirmed.  Gotta love science.

It was so hot watching her, squirming and writhing and moaning, her moans muffled by Kazander’s cock.

One of the things Kazander had suggested earlier was giving Jessie a facial, and cumming on her face, instead of in her mouth.  I was intrigued by the idea, but didn’t really think much of it.  We’d already settled on making Jessie swallow his load.  I didn’t see a reason to change the plan.

But when Kazander told me he was getting close, I suddenly changed my mind.

“Stop,” I told her.  “Lie down on your back.  He’s going to cum on your face.”

So she did, obediently lying underneath Kazander, her head between his legs, her eyes closed, while Kazander jerked off onto her face.

And she looked so pretty with his cum all over her face.  But then again, she’s a sissy, it’s pretty common knowledge that they always look good drenched in real men’s cum.

She wasn’t done, though.  Before she could move, I reached down and rubbed it all over her face, then put a cum-covered finger against her lips.

“Open,” I said.

Reluctantly, she obeyed, and I pushed my finger into her mouth.

“Suck it clean, that’s a good girl.”

Kazander went to get himself cleaned up, and I had Jessie sit at my feet, rubbing Kazander’s cum all over her face and making her suck it off my fingers.

The awesome thing was after a few seconds, that reluctance disappeared, and she leaned against me, enthusiastically sucking and licking my fingers clean.

Like a good little cumslut.

And honestly, that was my favorite part of the whole thing.  Just the way she completely embraced that sissy mindset, the way she eagerly sucked the cum off my fingers, it was just so damn fucking hot.

My precious sissy whore.

After Kazander left, I let Jessie come up and sit next to me on the couch, and rubbed her clit some more.  She came again and again, with Kazander’s cum drying on her face, and the taste of it in her mouth.

There was a funny moment, though.  We all know she can’t cum like a man anymore, she doesn’t even squirt.

Every time she came, she looked down to Tammi Lynn, tucked away in her panties.

“Are you checking to see if you squirted?” I asked after the third-ish time.

“Hoping I had,” she answered.

“Hoping you’d squirted?  Why?”

“Because then at least there’d be something to get the taste out of my mouth.”

“Oh, you mean the taste of another man’s cum?  Was that what you meant?”

“How’d you guess?”

And naturally, I found that just wildly entertaining.

My sissy bitch was hoping she could cum like a man, so that I would feed it to her, to get the taste of Kazander’s cum out of her mouth.

That’s where her mind went.  That’s the solution she came up with for how to get the taste out of her mouth — using her own cum to do it.

I mean, how awesome is that?

My precious sissy is growing up.

Entitlement and liberation

First, thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in the last couple days.  I’m alright, we were at home when the shooting happened, all of my family and friends are alright.

I received this comment on my last post.

Thanks for this excellent reply.

I think many men -myself included- thought: “So women got the right to vote, the right to have a career, even the right to join the military. And what did we get?

I honestly feel jealous at women for being able to behave both feminine and masculine and being accepted both ways, while men aren’t.

And that’s the reason why many men have chosen toxic hypermasculinity. For women there was a clear idea or direction, what they should become i.e. pursuing the same career paths and hobbies as men did. Men on the other hand lacked a new direction and felt confused and insecure about their identity, so they chose the path of “masculinity at all costs” which gave them a clear cut direction or ideal, even though it had some pretty negative consequences.

Feminists have made a mistake, when they believed, they could just improve womens position completely isolated from men and then neglect mens issues within the patriarchy.

So this begs the question: “What’s the alternative for men?”

I thought maybe it’s time for some sort of “mens liberation” from the outdated ideas of what it means to be a men.

But as for the “How?”, I can only think of two things, where men and society as a whole could work on:

1. Working on mens ability to express and deal with their emotions.

This would be one of the most important points and ease a lot of mens issues, like suicide and violent crime.

2. Improving mens ability to be a father.

However currently the laws on paternity and divorce, as well as the working conditions in many parts of the western world aren’t exactly encouraging men to be a father and spend more time with their children.

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Ambidexter.

I can totally understand where you’re coming from, and agree with most of what you’ve said. But quick thing…

I think many men -myself included- thought: “So women got the right to vote, the right to have a career, even the right to join the military. And what did we get?”

Um, literally all of that?

Why do you think you’re entitled to something for finally treating other human beings as huiman beings?  You don’t deserve a cookie for allowing other humans to be equal to you.

You say we got those rights like we should be grateful.  Like it’s something special to be allowed to vote or serve our country.

… even the right to join the military.

Ho… ly… shit, dude.  That is so not the way to endear yourself to women.

No, we are not grateful for these rights that should have been ours from the dawn of time.  We’re resentful that men of past generations denied them to us for so long.  And we’re pissed that we’re still having to fight for it.

And here’s the thing about men being accepted for expressing themselves in both ways.  I get that you resent that women can do it.  I’d resent it too, if I was a guy.

I mentioned Bill Burr, how he resented women for it.

But ask yourself what’s stopping you from feminine or sensitive behaviors?  Think about that for a minute.  Honestly, what’s stopping you from having the same freedom women do?

Literally nothing but your fear of being made fun of.  That’s fucking it.

No I’m serious, I want you to take a minute and let that sink in.  The only thing stopping Bill Burr in his routine was he was worried about what his friends would think.  He was literally saying that his friends’ opinions were more important than his own mental and physical health.  That the reason men drop dead at 55 is because they’re that worried about what other people think of them.

I’m serious, take a minute and just let that sink in.

Women don’t and didn’t have that same fear.  When women were ridiculed and ostracized, by both men and other women, for things like wearing pants, getting a job, or divorcing an abusive husband, they didn’t care.  Their position of powerlessness conditioned them with the strength to stand up for themselves, despite what society thought of them.

Men as a whole have never had that same struggle.  They’ve never had to fight to be heard, they’ve never had to work to be seen as human.  So they’ve never developed that specific kind of courage.

And you’re right, feminists don’t focus on men’s issues often (although it’s interesting to see reactions on social media when stories of men or boys being raped by women break.  It’s primarily feminists who speak out in support of the victim, while the majority of male commenters say he should’ve enjoyed it. Also, when I posted about female on male abuse, it was exclusively men who argued with me, saying that female on male abuse is impossible, and I’m trivializing female abuse victims).

But here’s the thing: it’s feminism. You don’t get angry at the ASPCA for not doing enough to end world hunger.  You don’t blame the Salvation Army for not doing anything about global warming.

Feminism focuses on feminist issues.  Just like Black Lives Matter focuses on issues that black people face in this country.  And Pinktober, as fucking stupid as it is, focuses on breast cancer.

Does that mean that men have no problems?  Of course not, and I’ve detailed on this blog a number of problems men face that I could never imagine.  Toxic masculinity, lack of resources and support available to male abuse and sexual assault victims, and general attitudes toward men, and the steps they have to take to avoid being seen as a threat are specific examples I’ve spoken about in the last year or so.

That’s a significant problem with the masculinist and feminist crowds.  They’re locked in this battle of who has it worse, and resent each other to the point that trying to make any kind of forward progress on either side is almost impossible.

But they are not mutually exclusive.  I’m a feminist and a masculinist.  Lots of people are.  I think most sane people are.

But expecting feminists to work on men’s issues is unrealistic.  That means I need to bombard Men’s Movement and the National Coalition for Men with hate mail because they’ve done nothing to help women gain affordable access to birth control.

This entitlement that some people feel is genuinely harmful.  I would like to reiterate: women owe men nothing for the rights we have as human beings and as American citizens.  Literally nothing.

We should have always had them.  The fact that we had to fight for them at all really doesn’t paint the male gender in a fantastic light.

Men of the past were fucking idiots and small-minded assholes with tiny egos and were intimidated by women.  You don’t get an award for not being a dick.  It’s just kind of expected.

Just like white people didn’t deserve an award for freeing slaves.  And the fact that so many white people were so against freeing them, they started a war and  were willing to kill American citizens for it, really doesn’t paint us in a fantastic light.

The ones who owned slaves were straight up assholes.  No one gets a cookie for not being an asshole.  My mom’s family is from the south.  My ancestors owned slaves (and on my dad’s side, my grandmother’s first husband was a Nazi.  Fabulous family history).  Do I deserve a medal because I’m not a racist fucktard like my direct ancestors?

No.  It’s just kind of expected of me as a human being.

Also, why does improving women’s position within society (you know, to the point that they are seen as human) threaten men?  Why do we need to compensate men for having basic human rights?  I’m honestly asking, I want to know.  What is it, exactly, that you think we owe you?

As for your question about men’s liberation and encouraging positive relationships with their emotions, I 100% agree with you.  Luckily, things are slowly changing, but it’s still widely looked down on for a man to show any emotion outside of anger.  Men aren’t encouraged to experience and process their emotions.  They’re not encouraged to seek professional help when they need it.

Which is why things like depression go undiagnosed and untreated, and result in men committing suicide three times more than women.

It’s tragic, but the more we talk about it, the more we pound it into people’s heads that men are human, with human brains and human emotions, and they need healthy emotional outlets, because that’s how human brains work, the more society will continue to shift to be more accepting of that.

And ugh, don’t get me started on how badly fathers are shafted when it comes to parental law.  We had our own little minor run-in with that when the spawn was born.

Kazander and I weren’t married.  In the state of Nevada, if the parents are not married, the father must waive his right to a paternity test in order to be acknowledged as the father on the birth certificate.

Naturally, when I found this out, I lost my shit.

Like, are you fucking serious?

So in order for a father to get his parental rights, he has to sign away one of his parental rights.

Kazander actually wasn’t as pissed about it as I was.  He signed the paper, he was put on her birth certificate as her father, and life went on.  And in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t matter.  She’s his kid, beyond a shadow of a doubt.  It was just the principle of the thing, you know?  If I was a guy, and a father, I’d be furious.

That’s a much harder thing to fix than men’s acceptable range of gender expression.  All a guy has to do for gender expression is tell his friends to fuck off.  Fathers’ rights and the way they’re fucked by the legal system doesn’t have a simple answer like that.

Because the reason it got this way in the first place is because child-rearing was traditionally seen as a mother’s job, and men didn’t (and often still don’t) participate much in their kids’ lives.

To quote my daughter when she was… 4, I think, “Daddies don’t keep babies company.  Daddies go to work.  It’s the mommy’s job to keep the baby company.”

Naturally, after this, Kazander and I had a long conversation about how he needs to act once he gets home, and how he needs to play a bigger role in her life.  Because I’ll be damned if she’s going to grow up thinking that’s what a father is.

For the longest time, though, that was the norm.  Fathers just didn’t participate in kids’ lives.

So when the parents split, is the court going to give the kids to an absentee parent who supports them financially, or are they going to give the kids to the more present parent and demand that the father still support them financially?

The answer is an obvious one, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one.  We need to continue changing the way men see fatherhood.  And it’s slowly happening.  Go on Facebook or YouTube and you see tons of adorable viral videos of fathers and their young children.  There’s some good momentum there, but we need to keep it going for a long time before we start seeing changes in the legal system.

Because as men’s rights groups and society as a whole continue to encourage men to take a more active role as fathers, I think it will begin to change the way courts see fathers, as well.

So I think that men are going to continue gaining more and more freedom as time goes on, but we can’t be afraid of talking about it.  And we can’t allow resentment or an “us versus them” mentality to take root.  Men and women are not enemies; feminists and masculinists are not enemies.  We’re simply attacking the same problem from different angles.  And the sooner we can stop competing with one another and start working together, the faster progress will be.

I think the best thing men can do right now, something they can implement in their lives today, that will help combat toxic masculinity, is to simply push themselves to show just a little sensitivity or vulnerability every day.  It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just step a toe out of that comfort zone.

Just one thing a day.  Say the puppy on the street is adorable.  When your coworker gets flowers from her boyfriend, say they look nice.  Tell people that you loved that new sappy romantic movie that came out.  Acknowledge a cloud that looks like a bunny.  I don’t care, something.

And what’ll happen is that, over time, it’ll condition men to develop a better relationship with their own masculinity.  They won’t feel their masculinity threatened by femininity or vulnerability or emotion.

And as a side effect, things like sensitivity and vulnerability will stop being gender-specific traits (they never should have been gender-specific traits in the first place, because again, humans literally don’t work that way).  So men will begin to feel more comfortable and secure in their masculinity, and won’t constantly feel the need to prove how manly they are.

Which will make them happier and healthier all the way around.

Sexism and forced feminization

I received this comment on my Why Idiots are Idiots post:

Dear Jen,

I would really like to know your opinion regarding forced feminization.

You see, forced feminization means that a male submissive is being degraded and humiliated by training and transforming him into a more feminine role and body. Does this imply that the femininity is somehow inferior to masculinity? I’m honestly confused about this.

Also, I find it interesting that there is no counterpart “forced masculinization”, where a maledom for example cuts his subs hair short, binds her breasts back and makes her fix his car.

Alright, I’ll be honest, this isn’t the first time I’ve been asked this question, and of course I’ve seen all the articles and angry blog posts talking about how forced feminization is sexist because it reinforces the idea that feminizing a man makes him less, because femininity is less.  Usually, I just roll my eyes, shake my head, and ignore it.  For many reasons, and I’ll get into a couple here.  However, since you were polite in your comment, I’ll take the time to answer.

But before I get into all that, there’s one thing I want to point out, because this mindset pervades many different kinks and fetishes.

The BBW fetish demeans plus size women. Femdom porn demeans women because it’s unrealistic and puts women in overly sexual outfits.  Being into blondes or Asians or petite women is demeaning because it fetishizes their appearance.  With basically every fetish out there, you have people who say it’s demeaning.

Here’s the thing, though.

I don’t fucking care.

I don’t care whether my fetishes are politically correct or not.  I’m not watching porn or feminizing Jessie for social commentary.  I’m literally just trying to get off.

It’s what I do, in private, with consenting adults, that doesn’t affect anyone else outside of the people right there with me.  It affects literally no one else.

It’s just a fetish.  People have some pretty fucked up ones.  As long as mentally sound adults consent to the fetish and it doesn’t cause unreasonable damage (No, I’m not castrating a man in my living room because he has a castration fetish), who cares?  It’s literally just a fetish.

It’s not like a sexual fetish is going to determine one’s vote.

And sure, maybe the BBW fetish is demeaning.  Maybe the only reason some men have been into me was because they fetishized my body.

But quick, guess who still got off on those guys.  So why do I care?

So that’s the quick answer.  But as far as forced feminization goes, it’s not the right answer.

The seemingly popular idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior is just plain wrong.

Why?

The answer is laughably complicated, and yeah, some of it has origins in toxic masculinity, but mostly it has to do with one’s identity.  My last post touched on the subject of identity, and the brain’s habit of desperately clinging to that identity.

For most men today, masculinity has been put up on this pedestal and heralded as the end-all, be-all of manhood, to the point that anything feminine, any show of sensitivity or softness or vulnerability leaves a man open to ridicule.

It is a massive part of what it means to be a man.  It’s a huge part of manhood as an identity.

And it’s sad, it really is, because it cheapens manhood as a whole.  It makes manhood shallow, nothing more than a collection of behaviors and attitudes current society has deemed masculine.

Back in the day, the epitome of manhood was being considered a gentleman.  And culturally, what was a gentleman?  He was kind, polite, responsible, and protective of those around him, quick to sacrifice his own comfort for the comfort of others.  He took care of his responsibilities, he did what was best for those who depended on him, he had the balls to admit when he needed help, and vulnerability or sensitivity were part of his identity.

A gentleman was not an unfeeling dudebro who could outdrink his buddies.  His identity as a man was not wrapped up in how masculine he was.

Of course, society back then was very, very far from perfect, so don’t think I’m putting that type of man on a pedestal.  I’m simply pointing out that society had a better relationship with masculinity back then.

This hyper masculinity is a relatively recent thing.  I’ve read it speculated that it has to do with the rise of women’s rights and feminism being seen as threatening to men of that time, who in turn clung to their masculinity and created the toxic relationship with it that they then pounded into their sons and grandsons and so on until it became a societal norm, something expected from all men.

Whether that’s true or not isn’t the point.  The point is that we as a culture have developed an extremely unhealthy relationship with masculinity and masculine behaviors.

Obviously that’s the problem with toxic masculinity, and one of the many effects it has had on many men is that it influences their identity greatly.  Masculinity is a huge part of the average guy’s identity.  Whether or not that’s a good or bad thing is a different conversation, trust me, this will be long enough.  The result is still the same.  It’s a big part of who they are.

And what happens when you force someone to give up such a big part of their identity?

It’s uncomfortable, even painful, and, depending on the context, deeply humiliating.

Just as with pretty much anything else, there is a group of people who have fetishized that discomfort and pain, and when performed in a consensual relationship with clearly-defined boundaries and limitations, those people can enjoy the discomfort the same way physical masochists enjoy the pain of being hit.

And it’s true not just with masculinity and femininity, but with anything an individual holds as a major part of their identity.

For example, Kazander and I used to switch for his birthday.  My longtime readers are very much aware of how much I dreaded and disliked it, how unnatural and uncomfortable it was for me, how it took days to literally shut off portions of my personality, and even that wasn’t enough to make me a “good” sub.  And yes, it was often humiliating.  Unfortunately for him (and me), I don’t fetishize receiving that humiliation, and it annoyed me more than anything else.

It was humiliating because my Dominance is such an integral part of who I am, and switching runs so deeply counter to that, it was a constant struggle for me.

But does the fact that I found it humiliating mean that I see submission as inferior to Dominance?  No.

For example, you don’t have to be a longtime reader to know how much I respect and admire Jessie.  And as it happens, I asked him how he would feel about switching.

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Needless to say, he was not a fan of the idea.  It would be so deeply uncomfortable for him, he wouldn’t be able to enjoy it.  Because that is far outside the boundaries and limitations of what becomes fetishized in his brain.

Because that’s just not who he is.  That’s not how he relates to someone in a sexual capacity.  That’s not how he and I relate to each other.

Trying to force him to be my Dominant in a session would be far more uncomfortable than putting him in a dress, or even forcing him to take a man’s cock in his ass.  The fact that it would create so much nervousness and anxiety in him would absolutely manifest as humiliation.

Does that mean that Dominance is inferior to submission, because he would find it humiliating?  No.  It’s just counter to who he is.

Have you noticed how effeminate men, or men who don’t have masculinity as such a big part of their identity, don’t feel the same discomfort or humiliation at being feminized?  Forced feminization as a tool to humiliate and degrade only works if masculinity plays a central role in who a man is.

As it happens, it’s a societal norm for masculinity to play that big a role in a man’s identity, so it is humiliating and degrading for most men in today’s society.

And yes, toxic masculinity is responsible for the sheer number of men who hold their masculinity as such a big part of who they are.  But it’s not any more sexist to fetishize that than it is to fetishize a skin color or hair color or height or weight or literally anything else.

You don’t see forced masculinization because women don’t have that same problem.  We don’t hold our femininity as such a huge part of our identity.  We have more cultural freedom, so we’re all over the gender expression spectrum.  We aren’t particularly attached to one or the other the way men are.

So we don’t feel the humiliation, but we can still feel that discomfort.

Like me, for example.  I don’t like sliding too far to either side of that spectrum.  Sure, I can dress up and be uber ultra feminine, but I have to be able to move back to the masculine side.  You mention a Dom forcing a female sub to fix his car.  I can change my body language and speech patterns and be just as masculine as any guy, and talk cars with the best of them, but I have to be able to move back to the feminine side.

Too far in either direction doesn’t cause the same humiliation that it causes in most men, because gender is not as big a part of my identity, but it’s not pleasant, because it’s not who I am.

So I mean, this idea that forced feminization is sexist or implies that femininity is inferior to masculinity just doesn’t hold up under close scrutiny.  It doesn’t work.

You’re either XX or XY

Are you, though?  I mean, are you really?

I’ve had two different people say this exact thing to me over the last week, using middle school biology to try to justify their transphobia.

So I, armed with the power of Google, decided to somewhat-condescendingly (condescendingly? Who, me?) explain why they’re wrong.

And I figured I’d explain it here, too.

M’kay, so in humans, you can be female because you have an X and Y chromosome, but are insensitive to androgens, so you have a male body.

You can be female because you have an X and a Y chromosome, but your Y chromosome is missing the SRY gene, so you have a female body.

You can be male because you have two X chromosomes, but one of them has an SRY gene, so you have a male body.

You can be male because you were born female, but have a 5-alphareductase deficiency so you grew a penis at puberty.

“Okay but that’s still XX or XY.”

Funny that you mention that.

You can be male because you have two X chromosomes and a Y.

You can be female because you only have one X chromosome at all.

So before we try to claim that there are only two genders, we should probably acknowledge that there are more than two physical and biological sexes.

And then we should acknowledge that the human brain is something we still only have a limited understanding of.  We are learning that the brain does not function in terms of absolutes, but that everything is perceived on a spectrum.

You’re not gay, straight, or bi.  Your brain doesn’t work by fitting into neat little boxes.  Your sexuality falls on a spectrum.  Maybe its position is fixed.  Maybe it slides around.

Your gender is on a spectrum, too.  You are not either masculine or feminine.  Literally no one is.

The most macho, masculine, in-your-face manly guy out there will at some point exhibit a behavior or mindset or form of expression deemed by current societal trends to be feminine.

It is literally impossible for a sane, functioning human brain to fit an entire identity into one box.  Because psychology, m’kay.

So that machismo guy who insists that he’s never done anything feminine is either lying to you, lying to himself, or literally brain-damaged.

You cannot be all masculine or all feminine.  It’s impossible.  The brain simply doesn’t work that way.

And what happens when you’re forced into a mode of expression that doesn’t fit with your identity?  What happens when a liberal is placed in a room full of conservatives, and must try to fit in?  What happens when you hang with a crowd 30 years younger or older than you are, and must try to fit in?

It makes you uncomfortable as fuck, that’s what happens.

And it’s the same with gender identity.  Because with all facets of one identity, the brain treats it as if it’s precious.  Our identity is the most important thing to our brains, and anything that challenges that identity causes extreme stress.

I mean, just try asking a devout conservative Christian (which is an oxymoron, by the way.  Conservatives are literally the single greatest threat to modern Christianity) how he feels about the fact that science has proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that homosexuality is genetic.

Their “Christian” beliefs (although, funny enough, that particular belief is about as anti-Christian as you can get.  Don’t take my word for it.  That’s according to fucking Christ, Himself, m’kay) are such an integral part of their identity, anything that challenges it is met with immediate and irrational defensiveness.

Gender identity is the same way.  Our brains want to protect it.  And forcing it to fit into one of two boxes is just as painful as it is for a 45-year-old to have to fit in with a group of 15-year-olds.

Do you want to spend the next few years surrounded by 15-year-olds who you must cater and adapt to?  Do you want to spend the next few years being forced to submit to who they think you should be?  No?

Then why would you force that same discomfort on someone else, simply because it’s outside your current understanding of psychology and the human brain?

Education is literally a ten-second Google search away, y’all.

Comparing intensity and intimacy

May I have some clarification , please? In your post you mention this, “All I can say is that it creates a very unique sort of intimacy that vanilla relationships just don’t have.” in relation to Sounder and you. Are you suggesting that vanilla couple’s are incapable of having this intense level of intimacy or are you suggesting that what you and Sounder share is just different, not necessarily better? Sometimes I believe that those of us in this lifestyle make a mistake when we suggest that only we are capable of such intense intimacy or vulnerability. Thank you for your time.
Wayne

 

Absolutely, I’m happy to clarify.

No, I do not intend to imply that vanilla relationships are incapable of the same level of intimacy or vulnerability, or that all D/s relationships automatically have it.

What I mean is that we have a strange attitude with talking to our significant other about sex.  Husbands and wives are often downright terrified to confess their darkest fantasies or deepest secrets.  There’s a degree of separation in most vanilla relationships because that level of emotional intimacy doesn’t come naturally to us.

I’m not saying that it is any easier for those in D/s relationships.  I’ve discussed quite often my own struggles with emotional vulnerability, and how it’s usually just more comfortable to keep it turned off.

But the very foundation of most D/s relationships is built on communicating those fantasies and secrets.  All of that is laid out from Day One.  It’s a big part of what makes potential partners compatible in a D/s relationship, so they hash it all out early.

And once you’ve confessed your darkest secrets and most fucked up kinks, everything else is easy by comparison.

“Well hell, she already knows that I like being peed on while singing Taylor Swift songs, so talking about this regular fear/concern/thing that irritates me/literally whatever is no big deal.”

And it’s ongoing.  D/s relationships are intense af.  Take Sounder and me, for example.  Take the way I fuck with his head.

He’s going to have to text Kazander.  You can imagine how that fucks with his head.  You can read how it fucked with his head the first time I made him suck Kazander’s cock in his guest post, and you can read about his reactions to what I do to him on his blog.

It’s a pretty intense emotional roller coaster that just doesn’t happen in healthy, stable vanilla relationships.

And it’s important to keep things healthy here, too.  Because the emotions and the fear and the dread he experiences are real.  When I succeed in fucking with him to the point that his heart rate gets elevated to 120+ beats per minute, that’s real.  It’s my job to keep it on the right side of the line between “fun” stress and “bad” stress, and it’s my job to immediately back off if I cross that line.

So it’s just intense, you know?  What he feels is intense.  That doesn’t happen in vanilla relationships.

It’s also intense because, to let go and just allow himself to experience what I do to him, he places a massive amount of trust in me.  He opens himself up and exposes everything to me, and trusts me to hurt him, but not harm him.  The kind of trust required to allow someone to have that kind of power over you doesn’t come naturally to people.

The difference between vanilla relationships and D/s ones is that D/s relationships, by their very nature, require that trust and intimacy, while vanilla ones don’t.

Does that mean that people in vanilla relationships are incapable of it?  Not at all.  It just means that it is not required as a foundation for vanilla relationships, and therefore never really explored by most.

And for the record, no, I find it hard to believe that the average person in the average vanilla relationship experiences the same sort of intimacy that Sounder and I do.

He is taking birth control pills, m’kay.  He’s allowing me to feminize every part of him, physically as well as mentally.

Do y’all understand what that means?  No, I’m serious, do you truly understand the significance of that?

He is literally allowing me to change who he is.

He knows what I want to do to him, and he opens up his body and mind for me.  He allows me to change not just his underwear or masturbation habits, but his bed, his entire house, the way he identifies, the way he sees himself, the way he sees his body, everything.

Do you have any idea the amount of trust something like that requires?  The degree of intimacy and vulnerability?

I mean, I’m good, I’m damn good, but I’m not perfect.  I rely on him to tell me if I push too hard or take him down a path he’s not comfortable with.  With everything else that I’m doing to him, can you imagine the kind of vulnerability required to let me know when the fear I’m creating in him is too much?

I’m not gentle with him, and there aren’t many out there who can handle me.  He can, and he can match my intensity with his own.

I have a hard time believing that the average vanilla relationship can hold a candle to that.  But all of my D/s relationships have similar levels of intensity and intimacy.  It’s the very foundation of the relationship.  The very few vanilla relationships I’ve been in were drab by comparison.

But is it because vanilla relationships and those in them are incapable of that kind of vulnerability?  No.  It’s because there is nothing pushing people to have those conversations and those experiences.  So they need another reason to push themselves to do it.

Again, it’s not something that comes easily to us.  People in D/s relationships are more or less forced to have those conversations, while people in vanilla relationships need to find something else to push them to open up like that.

They’re just as capable of it as we are.  They just need to find the motivation to do it.

A fun conversation

I do love when other people help me come up with ways to humiliate Sounder.

As it turns out, Kazander is pretty good at coming up with awesome ways to humiliate Sounder.

We were talking about him over the weekend, discussing things like how good he is at giving head and how cute he squirms when he’s being fucked.  I lamented the fact that no one other than me has seen just how cute Sounder squirms, and Kazander shrugged, saying, “Let’s change that.”

You know, that is just a capital idea.

But you know what would be more fun?  If Sounder is the one to ask Kazander to fuck him.

That would be so much more fun.

Except that’s not enough.

I want Sounder to be the one to initiate that conversation.  So I gave him Kazander’s number and told him that, in order for me to play with him again, he has to text Kazander and ask him to come with me, and put his cock inside Sounder.

Naturally, Sounder isn’t particularly thrilled about this fun little game of mine.  Being fucked by a man is going to be rough just on its own.  Having to be the one to ask for it to happen, to ask the man to fuck him, to take his virginity, is just icing on the cake.

It’ll be such a fun conversation.

Isn’t this an awesome game?

From vanilla to D/s

Hello, I read your mistakes men make and allow me to say. Wow I am an idiot! Amazing writing and so spot on and very eye opening. Thank you!

My question is do you have a writing that kinda goes hand in hand for said vanilla wife? I looked but did not see it. Not an instruction manual but something to help her understand this idiot she has been married to for 21 years?

I actually haven’t written anything from the wife’s perspective in this situation.  It honestly just hasn’t occurred to me.  But now that I think about it, a post about this isn’t a bad idea.  Because what should a wife do when she finds herself in the kind of position described in the post?

This is actually kind of hard for me to relate to, so I’m going mostly off of conversations I’ve had with women who were in the position, and who successfully made the shift from vanilla to FemDomme.

The first thing to remember is that you cannot create something from nothing.  You can’t take a hardcore submissive and turn her into a happy Domme.  That’s just not who she is.  It’s not what she wants.  It’s unlikely that she will ever change.

That goes for vanilla women, too.  Some women simply want their husband to take the lead.  They’re just not interested in being a Dominant, and trying to shove them into a box they will never fit into is futile and selfish.

For a woman to become a Dominant, she must already have a tendency to be dominant.

But even for the most dominant vanilla woman, making the switch to a Dominant will be difficult.  And overwhelming.

Because let’s be honest, BDSM does not come naturally to 95% of humans.  For most people, loving and caring about someone makes them distinctly averse to hurting them, or humiliating them, or otherwise mistreating them.

I’ve been asked by many vanilla people how I can hurt someone I love.  And how I make sense of the thousands of apparent contradictions in the way I feel about my subs, and the way I interact with them.

My best friend is on the conservative side when it comes to relationships, and she’s had plenty of questions about my relationship with Sounder in particular, due to the heavy emphasis on consensual nonconsent (ie, making him do shit he doesn’t want to do).

And yeah, it’s confusing for someone not in the lifestyle.  I love Sounder, I adore him, I’d do anything for him, and yet I enjoy causing him pain.

I’m fiercely protective of him (despite the fact that he really doesn’t need anyone’s protection), and will readily jump to his defense against anyone who tries to fuck with him, and yet I actively look for people to help me humiliate and dehumanize and mistreat him.

He’s one of my favorite people on the planet, one of the very few people I genuinely trust, and yet I am often very rough and sadistic with him.

It doesn’t make sense to most people.  It’s confusing.

And honestly, my attempts to explain it have fallen short.  All I can really say is that it creates a very unique sort of intimacy that vanilla relationships just don’t have.  Sounder trusts me to hurt him, to break him, to bring him low and lay him out, and he shows me a side of him that no one else gets to see.

It’s strange for most people, and for a woman just stepping in to this kind of lifestyle, none of it makes sense.  It doesn’t come naturally to her.

But still, it intrigues her, there may be parts of it that genuinely appeal to her, and she is willing to try becoming a Domme.

That still leaves the question, “Where do I start?”

How does a woman go from vanilla to Dominant?  What is that first step?

For those women, my first suggestion is to look at some FemDom porn.  Not just videos (I’m actually not a fan of most FemDom porn videos out there.  The Dommes tend to be screech and shrill and annoying).  Look at erotica (preferably written by a woman, from the Domme’s perspective).  Read blogs and true accounts of sessions that actually happened in real life.

Don’t worry about trying to make yourself into the Dommes in those stories or videos.  Just look for something that turns you on. Find a specific area or activity that appeals to you.  You may enjoy watching men being pegged.  You may enjoy making men do chores for you while wearing humiliating clothes.  You may enjoy chastity and orgasm denial.  You may enjoy cuckolding or forced bi.

Anything.

Find some part of it that legitimately appeals to you, something that you think you’d enjoy doing in real life, in your relationship.

This will help you figure out the kind of Domme you want to be.  It’ll help you figure out your identity as a Dominant.

Next, read my Mistakes Men Make post, linked at the top of this article.  Be aware that your partner will very likely attempt the behaviors listed there, and be prepared to handle it.  Learn to recognize if he starts moving too quickly for your liking or becomes too focused on his needs.

Then, give yourself permission to be a bitch.  This is the single hardest thing you’ll have to overcome.  You’ll likely struggle with it, you’ll deal with guilt because it will seem overly selfish to you.

Yeah, that’s the point.

Granted, it’s grossly, hysterically oversimplified, but if you’re struggling with any particular situation, remind yourself that the whole point of a FemDom relationship is that you’re in charge.  It’s all about you.

Correcting your husband will be tough.  So start small.  Give him a chore or two that he has to do each day.  Something simple.  And should he forget or get distracted or whatever, punish him for it (make the punishment fit the crime.  Spanking him nonstop for 20 minutes because he forgot to take the trash out isn’t a reasonable thing to do).

Alternatively, give him a chore, supervise him, and become extremely controlling and micromanaging while he does the chore.

Doing the dishes is a good place to start.  Constantly give him instruction and correction.  Every detail.  Make shit up.  It doesn’t matter.

And make him listen and do what you tell him.

Will he find this exercise pleasant?  Probably not.  Who cares?  It’s not about him, anyway.

Now, that does come with a caveat.  He will likely be just as inexperienced at being a sub as you are at being a Domme.  Just making him do something like that, knowing he’s not going to like it, without telling him why or what you’re trying to do is not a good idea.

Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you don’t have to tell him anything.  He’ll simply trust you, trust in your leadership, and obey.

That takes time, and neither of you are there yet.  Before you have him do the chore, tell him what you’re going to be doing and why.  It’ll still be unpleasant for him, but he’ll understand what’s going on and he’ll be eager to help you become more comfortable with leading and correcting him.

Outside of that, make a goal of correcting him once a day.  For anything.  Something small.  Even something stupid.  Tell him he has to hold the remote in his left hand when he changes the channel.  It doesn’t matter.  Just once a day.

And again, tell him what you’re doing and why.  It’ll help you get in the habit of guiding and correcting unwanted behavior, and it’ll help him get in the habit of obeying you even if he’s not into it at that exact moment.  Because he doesn’t get to choose when he obeys you.

This will help you tremendously when your husband makes the kind of mistakes most men in his position make.  You’ll be more sure of yourself, you’ll feel more comfortable reining him in and bringing him to heel when he gets too far ahead or loses focus, and it’ll help him learn faster that he needs to take his cues from you, not his fantasies.

Once you’re more comfortable with correcting him, and you have an idea of what kind of Domme you want to be, it’s time to sit down with him and the two of you figure out exactly where you want the relationship to go.

Because something you’ll both struggle with in the beginning is the level of communication required.  That’s another thing that doesn’t come naturally to most people.  But it’s so crucial to the long term success of a D/s relationship.

Both of you need to discuss what you want from the relationship, your expectations of each other, and what you need to make the relationship successful.  It’s so critical that you are and remain on the same page moving forward.

And as you move forward, just take it slow.  It’s going to go at your pace, not his.  If he tries to bound ahead, don’t be afraid to pull him back.  As time goes on, it’ll get easier and easier, and eventually, you won’t even have to think about it.