Not punching people in the face

So I’m a teensy bit aggressive and confrontational. I also have a distinct lack of patience.

This has led to me occasionally punching someone in the face when they cross a line.

But I’ve been working on that. I haven’t punched anyone in in face in like six months.

But okay, to be fair, seriously, that guy deserved it. And I don’t regret punching him at all.

It was December, and the casinos were open again. I grabbed my mask and decided I wanted a drink.

And do you remember what happens when I try going to a bar by myself?

This guy came up, hitting on me. I thanked him and told him I wasn’t interested. He kept pushing, so I told him to fuck off.

He started rubbing up on me, so I called security. They told him to back off. He came back.

So I punched him in the face. No conversation, no talking, no waiting to see what he was going to say this time. As soon as he was close enough, he got punched in the face.

And security came back in force. But who did they grab and escort to that dark dingy office that every casino has in every movie? Who did they treat like a criminal?

I’ll give you three fucking guesses.

And the main security guard was such a condescending prick. He lectured me, like, “We’re adults here. We are supposed to handle problems like adults. We use our words.”

And I got pissed (and I was buzzed). I said, “If you’d done your fucking job the first time I came to you with this problem, I wouldn’t have had to handle it myself. God forbid you have to stand up to another man. No, that’s just too scary. It’s so much easier to let him harass a woman and sexually molest her on your property, and then lecture her when she does your job for you, you absolute fucking coward.”

Oh, I was pissed. And I didn’t have Kazander or Sounder or anyone there to calm me down or hold me back. I got downright mean.

He finally told me he wouldn’t ban me from the casino, but this would be my only warning, and he “expected me to behave myself.”

So whatever. I can guarangoddamntee that asshole didn’t grind up on anyone else the rest of that night, and it’s not because security told him to leave me alone, it’s because he got punched in the face.

He learned the same lesson that small children are taught: shit has consequences.

I should work security.

Anyway, I was hanging with this Mexican couple the other night. It was late, and suddenly this big group of drunk college-age white American kids came in. They were loud, rowdy, arm-wrestling on tables and just having a grand old time.

But, while annoyingly loud, I was fine with that. Just innocent drunken rowdiness. Boys being boys.

Until their friends came in. These guys were wearing speedo-type swimsuits, and started air-humping behind every woman in the place.

They came up behind me, but I waited. Because the staff was already moving. They wear all black, and the entire energy of the room changed, and all of a sudden it was like you saw these men in black just swooping in from every direction, all at once.

Surprisingly not this time, Alistair

And I’ve been trying to refrain from punching people, and obviously the staff wasn’t messing around, so I stayed seated and let them handle it.

They really weren’t playing around, either. The whole thing, from the time the second group came in, until the time security showed up, was maybe 30 seconds (I was drunk, so my perception of time might be off). Maybe a full minute before they got all of them out the door.

I was impressed, honestly. And relieved. And happy to sit there and let the staff handle it, since they obviously took it seriously. It was nothing like the “meh, shrug” attitude you see in the US when a guy crosses that line.

But apparently I’d tensed up. After they left, the husband said I looked like I was about to go off on the kids. I laughed and told him I thought about it, but didn’t want to risk being thrown out of the hotel.

He looked at me like I had three heads. So I explained last time I punched someone, and I got in trouble.

He looked at me like I’d just grown a fourth.

“What? Oh no, this is Mexico. That doesn’t happen here. As long as he’s 18, you’ll never get in trouble for that.”

His wife chimed in. “Why do you think you never see Mexican boys doing that? You wouldn’t be the first woman in this country to teach a drunk boy that lesson.”

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m kinda a fan of the US, it’s kinda my favorite place. But goddamn, you know, we could learn a thing or two from folks down here.

Even so, I’m glad I refrained. I’m trying to not be a complete asshole, and I really was impressed with how fast and how effectively the staff handled it. As long as the people who are supposed to care about my safety actually do care, I’m fine to sit tight and let them handle problems.

It was kind of an eye opener, though, just seeing the difference in how that sort of thing is handled. Like, the staff didn’t care about the rowdiness, I think one of them was going over to ask the first group to tone it down, but that was it.

It wasn’t until the kids started fucking with the women that suddenly it was like all the fun was immediately sucked out of the room. It was tangible. You could feel it. There was nothing good-natured or accommodating about the staff as they came running. They ran in, barking orders into their walkie-talkies, and everything about their faces, their body language, their energy was intense and serious. They almost felt dangerous.

Like, they weren’t getting the guys out because that’s what they’re paid to do. There was almost an anger behind it (though they are not US cops, so obviously they know how to deescalate instead of escalate issues. But to be fair, even McDonald’s workers have better deescalation capabilities than cops. Because, *sips tea,* they get fired if they don’t).

So it wasn’t hostile or violent, but it almost felt like there was this anger simmering underneath the surface in all the staff. Like they took it personally. It’s hard to explain, but it took me completely by surprise, and like, I was okay to be the damsel in distress and let the fierce knights come charging to my rescue.

I’d never felt anything like that in the US. You’d never see anything like that back home.

And it felt good, honestly. Like, oh, I can relax. I don’t have to be on my guard constantly, ready to hit someone at a moment’s notice. I can trust these people to step in, I don’t have to deal with it myself.

As if I needed another reason to completely adore this place.

And it makes me wonder, how much of me being an asshole is because I feel like I have to be on my guard constantly? How much of how aggressive and confrontational I am is because of shit like what happened at the casino, and would I still feel that way if I could trust the people around me to help out if I need it?

How many American women are assholes because we feel like we’re alone? How many women have bitten a guy’s head off for seemingly innocent shit, because she knows there is a size and strength difference, and she can’t rely on anyone to help her, so she needs to compensate for that difference and the fact that she has no one to back her up, by striking first, striking hard, without mercy?

A group of scared people who don’t know how to handle certain shit and don’t feel like anyone has their back, so all they want is to hurt someone before that person has the chance to hurt them. It’s not right, it’s not healthy, but you heal Johnny by supporting him and teaching him that he isn’t as alone as he feels, not by arresting him or beating him up or telling him he’s on his own, and goddamn I love the first season of that show.

I mean, yeah I can admit that American women seem to be getting meaner, myself included. But I wasn’t mean and quick to punch people before I had issues like at the casino, or at the swinger’s club where I hit a guy for grabbing my ass without permission, and he didn’t even get kicked out, or my boss and my male coworkers stayed silent instead of warning me that one of the other bosses had drugged my beer (thankfully a female coworker pulled me aside and warned me).

I wasn’t born an asshole, guys. No one is. And maybe the US should take a note from how Mexico handles this specific kind of situation. Because if I could go to a bar by myself and feel safe, I’d probably be way more likely to be kind and friendly if you come up and offer to buy me a drink.

I still loved the couple’s reaction, though. Like, “Honey, you’re in Mexico. If a guy gets in your face and won’t back off, you are well within your rights to fucking make him.”

And like Sounder said when I told him about it the next day, we need to make “Fuck around and find out” the basis for our laws in the US. I think it would make a difference in a lot of unexpected ways.

4 thoughts on “Not punching people in the face

  1. tifastrife says:

    Ahhh! Okay but I love Alistair and wasn’t expecting to see him in the post. So. Caught off guard.

    One thing I can confidently say I’ve learned from you is allowing myself to be sweet and submissive while still having a backbone. My past often made me feel like standing up to a guy in any fashion made me a trouble maker or a bitch. So when I first trained as a sub, the same thing would happen on FetLife. Because my mentor was male (nothing against him I still worship the ground he walks on), I don’t think he picked up on this as much as he may have as a woman.

    He certainly isn’t about to be anyone’s doormat either it just didn’t hit the same as when I really started to come on your blog and more so study your entries as opposed to just reading them and moving to the next.

    There are so many burdens I could lay down including this feeling like I was a brat (whom I don’t understand and can’t stand) for telling Doms to back off and when they crossed a line. It’s a slow progress for me but every time I do it, it becomes easier. And I can see how even my service is better in being able to have that confidence in my submission and losing myself to a Dom(me).

    I hate that women seem to continue to be labeled the bad one when shit like this happens but I wish more women would protect themselves freely and truly get this point across that we’re done being treated this way AND having to feel wrong for doing it.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Lol, oh I *adore* Alistair. And Morrigan and Zevran and Sten and Varric and Isabela and Aveline and Fenris and Cullen and Cassandra and Cole and Iron Bull and Dorian OH MY GOD I love Solas. He’s right up there with Anakin Skywalker as my favorite fictional character of all time.

      But yeah, I think bring a sub definitely adds a layer of difficulty, particularly for women, but for men too. But for women, there’s that added cultural thing of “if you’re not bend-over-backwards-friendly, if you don’t smile literally every waking moment, then you’re just a cold bitch.”

      So combining that with being a new sub and trying to figure shit out is tough, even for experienced folks like me and your mentor.

      But oh, I have no problem defending myself. Lol, one could argue that maybe I’m a little *too* free with it. And if that means I get lectured by some idiot, or I get labeled a mean aggressive bitch, then oh darn, I suppose those folks just don’t like me.

      But that being said, I like *not* having to do that a lot better. I would much prefer being able to sit back and trust that security will handle those kinds of problems. And I do think the US is heading in the right direction. It’s too slow, but it is moving. We’ll get there eventually.

      • tifastrife says:

        I agreeπŸ’œ we do seem to be heading in the right direction. And I fucking love all those characters!!! I could play that series over and over and over πŸ₯°

        Solas was fascinating to talk to! Dorian didn’t like me no matter what I said. I play those games as though it were me in them, which is interesting because I normally get along with that personality type. He thought I was too nice and most likely fake. 🀣😭 Noooooooo. Just a well behaved little girl 😭😭😭.

        I have the worst crush on Ironbull and Isabela lol but also favored Cullen and Alistair and Zevran. Really I could say how I liked them all for the most part. I actually disliked Sera quite a bit.

        I have quite a bit of humor and I think in trying to train to tune it down a little bit so as not to be confused with a brat, it lead to not having a backbone at first. But you know. The mentioned mentor made me read your post on confidence about two thousand times and was on the verge of making me hand write it out word for word. 😐 So obviously it was never intended that I lose that.

        I love that I can now point other new people to your wealth of information knowing the quality of the work they are about to saturate themselves in! πŸ’œπŸ’œ

      • Domina Jen says:

        Aww, thank you! And do me a favor. I’m going home tomorrow, so give me until Sunday to recover and recoup, and then email me about DA. I started to write a whole thing, because I love talking about it and I’ve annoyed poor Kazander to the point that his eyes glaze over if I so much as hint at it, so it’ll be awesome to have someone else to talk to about it for hours, lol!

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