Obedience revisited

So I’ve had a few conversations over the last few weeks on the concept of obedience.  And with my last story, more than one person was surprised at the level of obedience in the sub.

A fellow Domme even scoffed at the idea of a sub being that obedient when it’s something he doesn’t want to do.

… Um, what?

There are subs who don’t obey their Owners?  There are Dominants who don’t expect their subs to obey them?

Is this actually a thing?

Maybe I’m just weird, but obedience is kind of a big deal with me.  Like, that’s one of the biggest requirements I have.

I expect to be obeyed.  If I don’t have complete confidence in being obeyed, I’m not interested.

Sounder expressed similar sentiments when I told him about it.


One of the many reasons I adore him.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I expect from my subs.  And what I think all subs who are not at this point should aspire to.

Does that mean you can’t have limits?  Of course not.  Sounder has limits.  Star has limits.  And both of their limits are absolutely respected, without question.

Does it mean you have to obey a command that is dangerous or illegal or something that you can’t or shouldn’t obey for whatever reason?  Of course not.

There’s a difference between obedience and mindless obedience.  I don’t want mindless obedience, or mindless anything.

My subs have incredible minds and wonderful personalities.  I don’t want to take that away from them.  They’re strong people, I wouldn’t be able to take that away from them if I tried.

If there’s a reason why they can’t or shouldn’t obey me, they tell me.

But “I don’t wanna” is not a good enough reason, folks.

If there’s a reason they can’t or shouldn’t obey me, they need a better reason than “I don’t feel like it.”

For example, if I show up at Sounder’s house after work tomorrow with a man, and tell him to get on his knees so the man could use his mouth, it’s pretty safe to assume he’s not going to want to do it.

But he’s going to do it.

Now, if there’s a reason why he can’t do it, or he shouldn’t do it, that’s a different story.  Maybe he just had dental surgery.  Maybe he’s had migraines all day.  Maybe he’s got the flu.  Maybe his mom is on her way over to his house to have dinner right at that moment.  Maybe he has to be at a work dinner in 30 minutes, and he just came home to change.

I mean, there are a million legitimate reasons why he can’t or shouldn’t obey that command.  And of course he should tell me if there’s anything like that.

Another example was this past Monday, when I went to his house.  I’d told him I wanted us to go to the salon and get pedicures, because he’s eventually going to go dressed as a girl, and we’ll have a girls’ day at the spa.

But because I’m nice, I told him he can wear his boy costume the first time.  And I told him we were going to go on Monday when I got there, and then we’d go back to his house, he’d get out of his boy costume, and we’d do other fun things.

And he immediately tensed up about it.  After explaining his reasons, I asked him if it was a hard limit.  He said no, it wasn’t, but with everything else happening that night, the added stress of a situation he wasn’t comfortable with, coupled with the time it takes him to get dressed up and beautiful for me, would be an edgy, negative kind of stress that could impact the evening.

Which was a really good point.  There was going to be enough else to make him anxious and nervous, and I didn’t want him tense and anxious, so I dropped it, and told him we’ll do it another night.

Easy enough.

Now tact matters.  How you say it matters.  Had Sounder just flat-out told me no, I wouldn’t have been super pleased.  He didn’t tell me no, and he didn’t tell me some version of “I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t wanna.”

He explained, clearly and respectfully, what the consequences of obeying me would be.  I agree with him, that those were not awesome consequences, so I agreed that it wouldn’t happen.

And the way he handled it, and every situation like it, is exactly what I want.

If he hadn’t said anything, and just done what he was told, knowing it would stress him out and impacted the rest of the night, I would’ve wondered what went wrong, and how to fix it.  I probably would’ve told him that he needs to tell me when those kinds of situations come up in the future, so we can avoid it happening again.

If he had flat-out refused, if he had responded with, “No, I’m not doing that,” I would’ve been really, really annoyed.

I’ve been told I’m just slightly unpleasant when I’m annoyed.  Most people who know me try to avoid that.

So either of those options would not have been what I wanted.  Sounder did exactly what he was supposed to do.  He didn’t mindlessly obey me, and he didn’t disrespectfully tell me no.

And yes, I am 100% confident in his obedience.  I can relax, knowing that I’m not going to have to strong-arm him into doing what I want.  I can just enjoy his presence, I can enjoy tormenting him and hurting him and degrading him and all the things I love doing to him.

In his mind, there’s no option but to obey me.  If there’s not a legitimate reason why he can’t or shouldn’t, it’s just not an option.

And that mindset frees him up to just truly experience what I do to him.  He can enjoy the nice things I do to him, and he can endure the not-so-nice things I do to him.  It feels deeper, more real, because he doesn’t have that little voice in the back of his mind urging him to tell me no.

I enjoy fucking with his mind, I enjoy taking him on these crazy mental and emotional roller coasters, I enjoy playing with emotions like fear and dread and humiliation.

And he can let go and simply enjoy the ride.

21 thoughts on “Obedience revisited

  1. James says:


    I’ve probably said this before, so I hope I’m not unnecessarily belabouring a point, but for my wife, obedience is the requirement from which everything else flows.

    Yes, she is prepared to listen to a reasoned, respectful case for a postponement of her command or even an alternative course of action, but once she has weighed that up and come to a final decision, I’d better be obeying her or there will be consequences.

    I like to think of myself as belonging to the “non-mindless” fraternity but I have come to understand that obedience is not a menu from which one can pick and choose the most succulent morsels. I may not like or relish a command from my wife, but not only am I expected to obey it but also to do so immediately and with a glad heart. And I do, unless there is a very serious impediment to it that my wife may not have noticed.

    It’s all about trust, I suppose. I submit to my wife’s authority because I’ve recognised her superiority in most of the areas of life that matter. I trust her to know what’s best for me and that her commands will be for her or my benefit (interchangeable, really). It’s not for me to question her and once again, you have summed things up with great perceptiveness.

  2. S.R. Taylor says:

    Well said. Especially the part about tact and how a submissive can have legitimate reasons for not obeying. Though that need to say them tactfully or more precisely is necessary other than “I don’t want to”.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Yes, exactly. There may always be legitimate reasons for not obeying, and when that happens, I absolutely want to know about it. But I don’t like being told no, and I don’t like a sub who is incapable of being tactful when explaining why he can’t or shouldn’t obey.

  3. Mrfire says:

    Very nice post, Jen, and very true to what makes a D/s driven relationship work well. My slave is exteremely obedient and willing to try and able to enjoy doing things for me that are well outside her ordinary comfort zone. When we arrive at something that either is a not previously discussed limit, or where there is a good reason she cannot comply, she tells me and properly explains her concern. To me this isn’t just good practice. It’s sexy, just like any part of the getting to know you process that adds so much to any erotic relationship. I’m very impressed both with how you deal with Sounder, and with how he deals with you.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Yes, it is definitely sexy. And for me, it’s just so freeing. Like the example I gave with Sounder, I don’t have to worry as much if I’m pushing him too hard, because I know he’ll tell me if I am, and he’ll tell me if I give him a command that will have negative results. I don’t have to constantly wonder and worry that I’m doing too much or pushing too hard. I’ve had to do that with other subs, and now Sounder has completely spoiled me. It’s so freeing knowing that I don’t have to devote so much attention to it, knowing that I can trust him to speak up. It makes sessions more fun for me, makes me more comfortable with him in general, and makes our relationship stronger.

  4. explorer3000 says:

    I Love your mind!

  5. explorer3000 says:

    I love your writing. It’s helpful and hot!

  6. explorer3000 says:

    Such an education you share! Thank you..

  7. Coyote from Orion says:

    You make sense Jen as is normal for you. Hope you’re going ok you incredible lady x

  8. Gguy says:

    Ms Jen, very good points here, one thing I like to keep in mind, is that a Domme puts a lot of time and energy training us, and part of repaying that debt is by being obedient. Even if the task is humiliating.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I like that mindset a lot. Obedience is so central to a solid D/s relationship.

      • Gary says:

        Ms Jen for sure even if the sub in this case looks humiliated and vanquished, with cum dripping from his mouth, he has proven he can serve well..

      • Gguy says:

        Ms Jen, I would like to add some more thoughts if I may, when you come under a Dommes rule, it is basically like you (the sub or slave )become conquered territory, now more of a part of your conqueror than as an individual, basically a weaker territory annexed by a stronger and superior one, the job of the sub is now to follow the orders of the new authority.
        This lifestyle is not a democracy., but a form of totalitarian puppet state, with those under the rule of the Domme, Her puppets, to serve Her and follow Her Orders, not deliberate them…

  9. Gguy says:

    Ms Jen, I just wanted to expand if I may on some thoughts here,
    1) when a sub comes under the rule of a Domme, he basically is now conquered territory, serving a greater power, and less of an individual, and more of a part of Her,
    2) his role is fully removed from the decision making process, and behaviving more like a Victorian era Woman, obedient, and dressing, acting, speaking and thinking in a manor that is expected of him…

    • Domina Jen says:

      I agree to a point. For me, personally, I want my subs to retain their individuality, and their voice. It doesn’t bother me to have my subs disagree with me, I expect them to at some point.

      And as far as the decision making process goes, eh, yes and no. The final say is always mine, but again, my subs have a voice, and I have a responsibility to listen and take their opinions into consideration. I also have a responsibility to take care of them.

      The kind of obedience and manner of a Victorian era woman is just too much for me personally. I want my subs to obey me, but I don’t want to take away or hide who they are.

      • Gary says:

        Ms Jen, thank You for Your input, this journey is always about learning and being open minded….

      • Coyote from Orion says:

        You’re such a cool person it would a shame to take away the opportunity for discussion and fun conversation. Your sense of humor is brilliant. Your subs must have great fun along the way whatever ends up happening

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