I’m not the right person to ask

… pretty much any relationship question, really.

Kazander and I were in the living room.  I was reading and he was re-watching an old show he likes, Sons of Anarchy (possible minor spoilers ahead, if you care about that sort of thing).  He was watching the scene in which Jax is cheating on Tara with a porn star.  Tara walks in to the clubhouse, and asks Jax’s best friend, Opie, if Jax is there.  Opie lies and tells Tara that Jax isn’t there.  So Tara walks into the back, to find Jax and the girl in bed together.

Kazander paused the show, turned to me, and said, “Would you be mad?  If you were Tara, I mean?”

“If you cheated on me?  Uh, yeah.”

“No, would you be mad at Opie?”

“Of course I would.  He lied.”

“But that’s been his best friend basically since birth.”

“I don’t care.  I’d be done with him.”

“So you’d forgive me, but be mad at him?”

“I never said I’d forgive you.”

“Assuming you did.  Assuming you’d forgive me, would you forgive him?”

“I don’t think I’m the right person to ask.”

“Well, let’s use me and Red.  Red is one of my best friends, and you two are cool.  If Red lied to protect me, would you forgive him?”


“That’s something I never understood about women.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’d forgive me, but you’d hold it against him?”

I laughed.  “I wouldn’t forgive you.”

He paused.  “You wouldn’t?”

“Absolutely not.”

“You wouldn’t forgive me?”

I put my book down and turned to face him.  “I have let you fuck another woman in my bed.  More than once.  And I’ll let you do it again.  Just as I would with Steel and Sounder, and anyone else I own.  If, after I let you do that, you still need to go behind my back and cheat on me, there are more problems in our relationship than can be fixed.”

He paused again.  “Yeah, that’s a good point.  You’re not the right one to ask.”

I’m polyamorous, y’all.  I have no problem with any of my subs playing with others.  I don’t even mind them having other romantic relationships, under the right circumstances (such as Kazander and his ex-girlfriend).  At the end of the day, I know they’re mine, and I know they love me, just as they know I love them.

But honesty is the most important thing.  And to me, it’s the difference between polyamory and cheating.  If you want to go fuck a porn star, go fuck her.  Knock yourself out.  Have fun.  But the moment you try to hide it from me, you cross a line that can’t be uncrossed.

More than once, Kazander has asked me questions like this, and then realized I’m the wrong person to ask.  When it comes to relationships, I’m an easy person to figure out.  Don’t lie to me.  Don’t hide from me.  And I won’t lie or hide from you.

16 thoughts on “I’m not the right person to ask

  1. S.R. Taylor says:

    Great answer though to that question

  2. I don’t see how that could be made more clear. It’s crystalline to me, and impossible to confuse, or misunderstand in any way. Seriously. Don’t fucking lie to me, and we can work anything else out. Lie to me, and I am done with you. I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets this. Maybe there’s hope for hum . . . Okay, probably still not, but it is nice not to be alone in my viewpoint. Thanks Jen!

  3. collaredmichael says:

    Lying is super serious to me too! I expect honesty. I am also honest to my wife at all times–it has hurt numerous times but I think we are better off regardless. That honesty forms the bedrock of our relationship.
    Happy New Year Jen!

    • Domina Jen says:

      Thank you, and happy new year to you, as well.

      Honesty can be tough sometimes, but it’s the times that it’s tough that make it worth something. Being honest just when it’s easy doesn’t mean anything, after all.

  4. Southernbelle_l says:

    I feel the same way! As long as you don’t lie and hide it, I’m good. Lying I hate!!

  5. This is exactly me. I’m always telling people I’m not the person to ask, for this exact reason.


  6. greg says:

    I thought your answer was a good one, and made an important point. But I don’t understand why he would say you are not the right person to ask. unless he is fishing for an answer he likes, rather than an answer from you. Curious.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I understood what he was asking, and I was actually the one who said I wasn’t the right person to ask. He simply agreed with me. And in this case, he was quite right.

      He was asking about the many women we know, and know of, who forgive their husband or boyfriend for infidelity, but will hold it against the friend who covered for the man. He asked me, hoping for some sort of insight as to why that is such a common mindset for many women to have.

      But as I told him, I don’t understand that any more than he does, because I simply don’t operate on the same wavelengths as those women. My relationships and my thoughts on cheating are based on my identity as a polyamorous Dominant. So I was not able to answer his question, or to provide any insight as to why a woman would act in such a way.

      In this case, an answer from me is not the answer he was looking for because I’m simply not able to answer that question.

  7. greg says:

    Got it. Thanks for explaining. Cheers!

  8. You have put this very succinctly. I am having a similar argument with a lover at the moment and his inability to understand this basic premise will probably end our relationship. I have let him fuck another in my home in the past and didn’t have a problem. But going behind my back means you’re unable to change your way of thinking and have more deep seated issues than I am prepared to deal with.

    He can’t seem to get his head round the fact that I’m disappointed he chose to lie about it when he didnt need to.

    That level of disrespect has turned an ocean into the desert around him & I like to swim!

    • Domina Jen says:

      Exactly. And I think it doesn’t help that monogamy has been pounded so thoroughly into our heads, many have trouble shutting it all off. That’s a shame about your relationship, I hope you’re able to work it out. But if not, it could be for the best, as well.

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