I’m not perfect.

Also, while I’m obnoxiously conceited and completely, totally in love with myself, I can also admit my shortcomings.  A great portion on my self-adoration comes from having come to terms with both the good and bad parts of myself.

And I don’t want my readers to get a false-ish idea of who I am, so I’ve decided to put together a list of my faults/weaknesses that drive the people around me nuts.

  1.  I’m generally quiet and reserved in unfamiliar situations, which makes me come across as snobby.  I usually don’t approach people, even if I’m interested.  If you’re interested, you’ve got to show me why you’re worth my time.  You’ve got to be the one to approach me.
  2. When with people I’m comfortable with, I talk.  A lot.  Y’all think I ramble here?  You don’t know me in person.
  3. I argue.  A lot.  And I’m damn good at it.  I never, ever, ever shy away from a debate, and I will argue a point I don’t even agree with just to get a better idea for how people think.  I love talking religion and politics, with a caveat: only with people who are capable of discussing sensitive topics without becoming demeaning or insulting.  Because…
  4. I am occasionally known to sink down to someone’s level if they’re being an ass.  You want to be petty, demeaning, insulting, and passive-aggressive?  Oh honey, I see your cute attempt and raise you one public humiliation.  I can and will beat you at your own game.
  5. It takes a fucking lot to piss me off, but when I lose my temper, I generally lose all self control.  That’s obviously why I keep my anger in check and don’t allow myself to lose my temper.
  6. It takes a lot to get me to my breaking point, but once I’m “done” with someone, there are no second chances.  They’re pretty much dead to me.  There have been two exceptions (one was because my refusal to acknowledge the person was putting Kazander in a very awkward position, so I went against my gut and gave the person a second chance), and both reminded me why I was done with them in the first place.
  7. I don’t like being told I can’t do something, and I will bury myself with my own shovel to prove someone wrong. That’s how I got into bouldering, actually.  During a bonfire party thing that I drove my sister to (I think I was 19-ish), some of the kids were trying to climb up this cliff thing, taller than a one-story house, but not as tall as a two-story house, I don’t think.  Most kids weren’t getting more than halfway up.  One or two got all the way up.  One of my sister’s friends saw me watching and asked what I thought.  I shrugged and said it looked like fun.  He scoffed.  I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something about me not being able to do it.  So I did it.  And I made it all the way to the top.  And I ended up re-injuring my shoulder in the process.  But a little pain never hurt anyone, and I didn’t let it stop me from making it to the top.
  8. I overuse the word “literally.”  Although, to be fair, I actually use it when I mean “literally.”  Nothing is more annoying than when people use “literally” when they mean “figuratively.”  You did not literally shit a brick.  Shut the fuck up.  Oh, but that reminds me….
  9. I’m a grammar Nazi.  Like, a big one.  Especially in written arguments (oh, I’ll get to that).  Although I do believe I’m justified.  In written communication, it’s kind of important.  Missing a word, or using the wrong form of a word, or misspelling a word for a similar word (one example that immediately comes to mind is misspelling “angel” as “angle”), can potentially change what the text is conveying.  It’s a big fucking deal.  Use proper grammar.  If you’re not sure, fucking Google it.
  10. I said before that I like to argue, and I often take that a step further (especially if I’m bored) and engage in arguments over the internet.  I don’t lose, because I don’t join arguments that I can’t win, and it’s entertaining to see how different people react to realizing they’ve lost.
  11. I don’t start drama, but I damn sure don’t shy away from it.  Or confrontation.  I’m not afraid to get in an argument or fight with anyone.
  12. I’m a tad bit impulsive.  I’m known to make some pretty significant impulsive decisions, and more than once, I’ve made huge, life-altering impulsive decisions on a whim.  I don’t regret a single one of those decisions, by the way.  I’ve learned long ago to trust my instincts.  They don’t steer me wrong.
  13. I completely suck at organization.  Growing up with hoarder parents, it was never a skill we learned.  In the past, I’ve countered this suckiness by just not having a lot of stuff, and leading a minimalist lifestyle.  But now I live with Hoarder 1 and Hoarder 2, that’s a lot harder to do.  And while my house is clean, you can tell that I’m just not great at organizing this kind of volume of shit.  I have literally smuggled out trash bags full of broken toys or electronics while they were sleeping.
  14. I’m forgetful as fuck.  This is a relatively new thing.  It started when I was pregnant (pregnancy brain is actually a thing) and just never went away.  I forget shit all the time.  I forget to reply to texts or emails, I forget to return phone calls, I forget to do things I need to do, all kinds of stuff.  It’s as frustrating to me as it is to the people around me.
  15. I need time to myself on a regular basis.  At least a few hours every few days.  If I don’t get that time, I start to get irritable.  This is part of the reason why I often stay up til 4 or 5 in the morning.
  16. I can be lazy.  Sometimes, I can be really lazy.  It goes in cycles.  Every few months or so, I’ll just have a couple of weeks (it’s usually two, occasionally three.  The only times it’s ever lasted longer have been when I’ve been struggling with depression) where I don’t want to do shit.  I do the bare minimum with pretty much everything.
  17. I often forget to eat.  Which isn’t a fault, necessarily, but I’m a raging, psychotic bitch when I haven’t eaten for awhile.  After awhile, I’m pretty good at noticing it and saying to myself, “Hey, I’m being kind of a psychotic bitch.  Why is that?  Oh, I haven’t eaten anything in the last 10 hours, except for like 4 cups of coffee.  Yeah, maybe I need a Snickers or some shit.”
  18. Occasionally, if I don’t get my way, my inner spoiled child comes out.  In my defense, this is a holdover from a time when the only kind of affection I got was having money thrown at me, but I’m an adult now and I’ve been working on that.  Most of the time, I’m good.  But every so often, I slip up.  The good news is that it usually doesn’t take long for me to realize I’m doing it, and I’ll stop and apologize.  But that’s gotten on Kazander’s nerves more than once.
  19. I’m not great with emotional openness.  Sure, I’m open here, but in real life, I can be pretty hard to read.  I don’t really do it on purpose, and I will go out of my way to be open and transparent with my boys.  I don’t like games or beating around the bush, and I never want them to be made to guess what I’m thinking or where they stand.
  20. I’m emotionally constipated. I have the habit of not asking for help when I need it.  Somewhere along the line, I got the insane idea that, to be strong, you couldn’t let anyone help you.  It’s a stupid idea, but by the time I realized just how stupid it is, it had already become kind of a big part of my personality. And it’s still something I struggle a lot with. And it’s knocked me on my ass more than once.  When you’re dealing with so much, the stress starts making your body literally shut down, and you end up being hospitalized, you probably should’ve asked for help a long time ago, and you’re a fucking idiot, and your idiocy cost you a couple thousand dollars (and no, I haven’t completely learned my lesson yet). I don’t deal with self doubt or insecurity well, so it’s rare that I will be willing to acknowledge it. And then add the guilt of thinking, “Am I doing the other person any favors by letting them see the extent of my psychosis?”  And talking about it gets a lot harder. I have been known to begin conversations in which I plan to ask for help, but any perceived  (or imagined) reluctance to listen will immediately make me shut down again.  What’s helped has been thinking of the times when friends or loved ones have had something bothering them, and how badly I’ve wanted to help them.  If it were anyone else asking for help, I would urge them to talk to me, to vent, to rant, to cry or yell or whatever they needed to do.  So my own reluctance to do exactly that makes me a hypocrite.  It’s the one major personality flaw that’s still lingering.  And I’m not doing myself or the people around me any favors by keeping it all inside (someone ask Kazander how much he loves this trait, and the problems my emotional constipation has caused).  It has flat out ended more than one relationship, and it’s one of the contributing factors that led to my marriage almost ending.  So it’s something I’m working on. I saved it for last because it’s the thing I currently like the least about myself, and it’s the thing I struggle with the most.  It’ll take time, but I’ve already conquered all my other demons. I’ll conquer this one, too.  Vincit qui se vincit.  Imperare sibi maximum imperium est.  He conquers, who conquers himself.  To rule yourself is the ultimate power.

12 thoughts on “I’m not perfect.

  1. Domina Jen,
    we all have our faults,some of us just don’t hold up to tem.

  2. thelifeofasocialintrovert says:

    I enjoyed reading this post. I struggle to accept my flaws but I hope to one day reach that personal growth point, that you have reached.

  3. S.R. Taylor says:

    Everyone has flaws or quirks that’s what makes us unique. I enjoyed reading the list.

    Jen, of course you’re not perfect, you’re human. I struggle with so many of the same issues as you that I often find myself thinking, ‘She’s me….with way more fun plumbing.’ You have read some of my journey, though much of it I had to take down for security purposes. You know I understand. I’m here for you, if I can ever be of assistance. Feel free to email me at phoenix.destiny@charter.net anytime. I may take some time to respond, but that is my social anxiety, and me wanting to put careful thought into how I can help most effectively.
    In the meantime, keep the faith, and please don’t trash talk my Goddess. 😜

    • Domina Jen says:

      Awww, thank you for this. You’re getting rather good at making me blush, you know. I haven’t decided yet whether that’s a good or a bad thing…. ;p

      And thank you for the offer. I may take you up on it one day. You really are too sweet.

  5. doomedsaint says:

    I think you’re awesome just how you are~

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