Chastity questions

Hello Jen,

How does male chastity benefit a man? I used to own a full male chastity belt and would like to own another one. I’m a type “A” personality that would like a woman who’s dominant in bed. I want to know if men become [different] people while locked away in a belt.
I think the best arrangement is a release once a day for making whoopee while handcuffed to the bed. The wife also cleans/shaves the male box area when needed while her man is handcuffed behind his back. He will be in one form of bondage forever! I also have my toenails painted red at all times. Life’s more fun when your toenails are painted.
PS, are your toenails painted?


M’kay, so I definitely recommend chastity for you.  Primarily because, judging by this note, you have fallen into the same chasm so many submissive men fall into.

However, to humor you, I’ll answer your question before explaining why you’re going about this entirely the wrong way.

No, chastity won’t make you a different person.  And it benefits men in plenty of ways.  First, and most obviously, it satisfies the kink that you seem to have.  You’d be surprised how common that kink is.  It’s fun.  Go for it.

Secondly, it strengthens the bond between you and your partner.  The only way you can have an orgasm is through her.  Specifically, through pleasing her.  Whether she wants you to wait a certain amount of time, do enough to “earn” an orgasm, or just unlock you whenever she feels like it (all three have their definite strong points, although the amount-of-time thing is my least favorite).

So you start to associate her, and pleasing her, with pleasure of your own.  You’ll feel closer to her, even when her denial frustrates you.

And it’ll shift the focus from your cock, which, let’s be honest, is where 100% of your focus is now.  That will benefit your partner in the short term (because, let’s be honest, not a single straight woman appreciates that focus.  Even male Doms are held to higher standards by their submissives.  The vanilla ones just don’t realize they have other options).  She’s the one who will benefit from that in the short term.  But it’ll benefit you in the long term, too.

You’ll realize how dumb it is to have your penis be your only erogenous zone, as so many men are conditioned to think.  Your entire life, that’s been your only source for sexual pleasure, and you’ve been thinking that’s fine, you’ve been enjoying yourself.  But when you take that completely out of the equation, you discover other things, that you’d been missing.

Really, if you want a closer look at what chastity looks like from the man’s point of view, I suggest looking at blogs written by men in chastity.  Denying Thumper is a good one.  Steeled Snake, Chaste Cyclist, and Thrill of the Chaste immediately come to mind.  I know I’m forgetting people, too (it’s late, and my brain has basically signed off for the day).  Those are all written by men in chastity (Steeled Snake’s blog is shared by him and his wife, who goes by Steeled Snake Charmer).  They can provide insight better than I can.

But honestly dude, you need it.  Your focus is all about what you want, and at the risk of pissing you the fuck off, I have to tell you I couldn’t help but laugh at your little fantasy.

Your head is in entirely the wrong place.

And I mean, I get it.  You want the fantasy.  Fantasies are awesome.  Trust me, I know.  Fantasies are fucking awesome.

But you’re not going to get it by doing what you’re doing.

So you’re a Type A personality.  Awesome, great.  I have no idea what that means in regards to the kind of relationship you want, nor do I particularly care.  And this is another trap that many submissive men fall into.

I know you’re not a doormat.  I can gather that just from the arrogant tone of your writing (and no, that’s not an insult, and no, I’m not offended by it.  I’m a tad bit on the arrogant side, myself).  I can tell that you’re assertive and go for what you want.

Great.  Fantastic.  Don’t (and this is to all submissive men, btw) shove it down my throat in an effort to prove that “you’re still manly, even though you’re submissive.”  The only reason men have to do that is because they’re ashamed of being submissive, because “submissives aren’t real men” or some shit.  And the only reason they’re ashamed of it, despite the fact that some polls showed that more than half of men share these fantasies, more women prefer submissive men to dominant ones, and major media outlets are working to enlighten the public about toxic masculinity in regards to “butt stuff” and other sexual acts that aren’t considered “ultra macho manly,” is because no one with a penis wants to come out and say that it’s okay.

Which is kind of a huge pet peeve Dommes have about submissive men, by the way.  We’re not ashamed of you.  Stop perpetuating this idea that you should be ashamed of us.  It’s annoying.

Whether you’re a Type A or Type B has nothing to do with how masculine or feminine you are (and I think it’s a horrible system, anyway, that is hugely outdated and overly simplistic, originally designed by cardiologists and funded by the tobacco industry to determine who is more at risk for heart disease – Type A is at a significantly higher risk, fyi).  And has nothing to do with your orientation.  For example, going by that system, I’m a Type B.

I mean, of course I’m a Type B.  Anyone who has known me more than a day would know that.

I don’t understand how some people choose to live their lives with such exhausting levels of anxiety and stress.  I’m way too lazy for that shit.  I also don’t care so much about achievement as I do the journey (you know, since multiple studies have shown that happiness comes from the journey, the pursuit of something, rather than the actual achievement, itself).  And I’m the opposite of high-strung.  I don’t need to compete with anyone, I don’t need to brag about myself, and I don’t need things in my life to be so rigid.

I’m a Type B.

And I’m as Dominant as they come.  I know plenty of other Type B Dominants, just as I know plenty of Type A and Type B submissives.  One has literally nothing to do with the other.

You said that because you’re buying into cultural stereotypes instead of looking at actual facts.  You meant to say that you’re outgoing, assertive, and unafraid to stand up for yourself.  You’re a go-getter.  Ambitious, determined, charismatic, and a natural leader.

You’re in good company.  All three of my boys have those traits.  Kazander is the head of his family (my inlaws), and is the driving force in his group of friends.  At work, even his superiors look to him.  Steel is a master manipulator, and a born persuader, able to get pretty much anyone to do pretty much anything.  He’s cunning and clever, a natural hustler, and knows how to get his way.  No matter what life throws at him, he figures out how to adapt and come at it from a new angle.  He’s not one to stay down long, and he’s done incredible things in his life, brought about by sheer force of will.  Sounder handles a huge amount of responsibility at his work and possesses the emotional and mental stability that has made him the rock in his circle of friends.  People from all walks of life, all kinds of social and economic backgrounds, look to him for guidance.  He’s charismatic, charming, he possesses a quiet confidence that doesn’t need to be bragged about, and he never does anything half-assed.

So whatever thoughts you have in your head regarding submissive men, get rid of them.

I’m guessing, because of the way you worded that sentence, that you’re looking for a “vanilla with a side of kink” type of relationship.  And your concern about chastity changing who you are implies that you’re not looking for any kind of power dynamic, just that specific kink.

So the simple answer?  Yes, longterm chastity will have an effect on your personality, at least in the way you interact within a relationship.  It’s kind of impossible for it not to affect you.  By its very nature, it will change you.

But it won’t, for example, change you from a Type A personality to a Type B one.  There’s very little on this planet that would do that.

As far as what you’re looking for, in all honesty, you’re not going to have much luck unless you go with professional keyholders or ProDommes.  I’m sure you can find lifestyle Dommes who are interested in “vanilla with a side of kink” relationships.  I mean, I’ve literally never met one in person, but I’m sure they exist.

But even if you meet one, she’s going to care very little about what you want.  Any Dominant woman is going to laugh and roll her eyes when you tell her what you told me.

Because chastity isn’t about what you want.  It’s about what she wants.  The keyholder is the one in control.  Not you.

And release once a day???  Are you serious???

And in only one position?  Um, that’s boring af.  I would set the bed on fire.

What’s the point of even wearing a chastity device at that point?  Where’s the denial in being released and having sex every day?  Where’s the control?  What, exactly, does your partner get out of that?  Where is her pleasure factored into your scenario?

I mean, I know you’re arrogant, but please tell me you’re not arrogant enough to think that going through that tedious ritual at your command, then stripping down and riding your cock every day, in the exact same position (unless you decide to really switch things up and do reverse cowgirl) would be satisfying for any woman.

Find me a woman who would go for that.

No Domme would.  She’d laugh you out of the building.

You’d probably have slightly better luck with a submissive, or a switch, but even then, you’re not going to be able to satisfy her desires.  Just as I’m expected to take care of my subs, male Doms are expected to take care of theirs.  No submissive woman is going to put up with that for long if you can’t satisfy her and give her what she needs.

So that leaves you with vanilla women.  You’ll have to find one open-minded enough to go with the chastity thing, and interested enough to indulge your incredibly, laughably high-maintenance desires, but disinterested enough that she doesn’t start doing her own research and discover on her own that you’re kind of dicking her over.

You’re too focused on what you want.  You’re focused on your dick, and how to make it happy.  Which is fine, if that’s what’s been working for you.  But you need to face the fact that what you’re asking for is completely unrealistic.

You’re even being unintentionally demeaning to me, by trying to bring me into your kinks.  Why in the hell does it matter to you whether my toenails are painted, if you’re not looking for something to turn you on?

Nah, bro.  I’m not your jerkoff material.  Thanks, though.

I know this isn’t the answer you want, but it’s the truth.  You have two options.  You can either get exactly what you want from a professional, or you’re going to have to take a long look at what you’re expecting out of a relationship, and how realistic it actually is.

If you want a realistic, real-life situation, you’re probably going to have a power exchange that will extend beyond the bedroom.  But even to vanilla women, submissive men are more attractive than dominant men, anyway.

But the scenario you described, in the kind of relationship dynamic you described, just isn’t going to happen.

38 thoughts on “Chastity questions

  1. I so completely adore you. 😄 His question was obnoxious in so many ways and your response combined being informative and helpful with the perfect dose of smackdown. I bow to your mastery of intelligent smartassness. Delightful. 😄

  2. James says:

    I’m not sure that I totally understand all of Type A’s post. “Do men become people while locked away in a belt?!” What’s that all about?

    Paradoxically, though, what little I can grasp from his series of questions does indicate to me that Jen is right about some chastity time being of serious benefit here. Not the day release type, though, with which, again, I’m entirely unfamiliar (who, in any case, dominant or submissive, would have the time or inclination to go through all the nonsense of putting on and taking off the damn thing every 24 hours?)

    Male chastity, from my angle, is about so many things, the main one being that it pleases and suits my wife. There is the power of the symbolism involved here, which shows where the authority in a relationship rests to the point where we can talk about ownership without fear of exaggeration.

    You then go through the phases that Jen outlines here – learning to think of the pleasure that goes with thinking of your wife/mistress’s pleasure, rather than yours; your understanding that Type A behaviour is irrelevant in the face of the fact that your powerlessness is not temporary, but an ongoing condition that exists because your key-holder wills it to be so. You then start to realise that what you thought of as your rights are in fact her privileges to award, and are subject to her caprices and desires, not yours. Might not be the worst thing in the world for our Type A here.

    Male chastity is a proper and absolute yielding of power, in fact. Gratitude replaces entitlement; selflessness trumps egotism. Always, in my case, assisted along the way by a little physical encouragement if the message is not clear enough from a wife who appreciates a bit of confidence and authority from her man but knows how to keep them within strict limits.

    A month or so of complete denial, attention to nothing other than someone else’s needs and desires, interspersed with judicious use of a strap or a paddle, should bring your Type A, Jen, to a realisation that arrogance and selfishness are both self-defeating and, quite possibly, rather painful.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I completely agree, and your description of the changes it brings about is so much more eloquent than mine. Beautifully said.

      I think the person comment is a typo. I think he meant to ask if it makes a man a different person.

      But yes, chastity and denial brings about pleasure to the keyholder, and ultimately the man himself, because his pleasure comes from hers. Even when allowed piv sex, it (in my experience) makes him a better lover because his focus is still on her.

      Better lover, better romantic partner, better submissive. And that “betterness” will be returned to him in the appreciation of his keyholder. It’ll make her happy.

      A happy Dominant is an attentive Dominant.

      • James says:

        Thanks for the compliment, Jen. Coming from you, I’ll take that any day.

        My sainted wife always reckons that I’m at my best, both as a submissive and a partner in all senses, when we’re both being attentive, in our different ways, to each other. She tries to stick to a recipe of three parts love, one part firmness and just a dash of fear-inducing intimidation, stirs the pot and seems to enjoy the flavour!

        If I don’t catch up with you again before the holiday season, have a good one, even though I don’t see how you keep a straight face in the Vegas desert when you’re looking at fake snow everywhere and listening to “Jack Frost nipping at your nose” on an endless cycle while it’s about 1000 degrees in the shade!

      • Domina Jen says:

        Thank you! I always say every relationship benefits from just a little bit of fear.

        I hope you have a great holiday season, too. And native Vegans (and anyone who has been here awhile) are actually huge wimps when it comes to the cold. I’m uncomfortable with anything below 70 degrees. So we’re all freezing our asses off here, totally relating to the Jack Frost thing.

        Lots of people have made fun of my inability to handle the cold. But I just grin and say, “Wait four months.” When they’re in tank tops and shorts, gasping for air in the 120 degree heat, and I’m hanging out with a black t-shirt and jeans, I get my revenge 😉

  3. The whole point in wearing a chastity cage is losing control to freely orgasm. I have given that control to my wife and my orgasms are at her decision. They also occur when and how she desires. Works for us. It would hardly seem worth it if everyday I was uncaged and given an orgasm. I don’t think this fellow has thought things through really. If his fantasy came true, he would likely be very bored in short order.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I agree. I think he’s inexperienced, and hasn’t really thought it through. I’ve also noticed that it’s very common for many inexperienced men to be reluctant to give up control of their cocks or orgasms.

  4. Tom Allen says:

    ” I’m a type “A” personality that would like a woman who’s dominant in bed. I want to know if men become people while locked away in a belt.

    Hah hah hah hah heh heh… Oh, wait, it’s not April 1, is it?

    In that case, great response, Ms Jen.

  5. Polthus says:

    Articulate evisceration – as usual, Ma’am 🙂

  6. Southernbelle_l says:

    He really said “making whoopee”?!

  7. A great response, as always. I would have recommended those same 4 blogs as they are the best!

  8. ST says:

    Fantastic response.

  9. being a chastity slave has made me focus more on serving and worshiping the superior gender.

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