Just a touch of neurosis

So Sounder is going to swallow cum, and be fucked by a man, before the year is over.  Which I’m beyond excited about.

As of now, I have two options.  The first is Connor (previously called Pet).  And he’s an attractive option for a number of reasons.  He’s young and inexperienced, but very eager.  As far as safety and my neuroses go, he’s the best because he’s small and thin, so I can physically overpower him, and he’s still new to the Dom thing (he started out as a submissive, and is a submissive adult film actor), so I can mentally overpower him.

But there are some drawbacks.  First of all, he’s young and inexperienced.  He’s a teenager.  He lacks life experience, as well as scene experience.  This will be completely new for Sounder, he’s never been fucked by a man, and he’s never swallowed cum before.  So dealing with two people in unfamiliar situations could keep my hands full.

The biggest drawback, though, is transportation.  Connor doesn’t have a car.  He doesn’t drive.  And he lives on the complete other side of town from me, and in pretty much the opposite direction of Sounder.  That part is inconvenient, but not impossible.  The part that really makes me hesitate is after the play is over.  I don’t know how this is going to affect Sounder.  I want to be there with him for a little while afterwards.  I want to make sure he gets appropriate aftercare.  And I want us to be alone.

That won’t be able to happen if Connor is there.  And I’m not entirely sure how to resolve that problem.

So that leaves me with the other option, a man I’ll call Doc.  Doc is extremely experienced and knowledgeable about how this kind of session usually works.  And this won’t be the first time he’s Topped another man.  He knows what to expect.  And he has his own vehicle.

Of the two, he seems like the obvious choice.

The problem is that he’s a male Dom.  As many of you know, I am not super thrilled about his male-Dom-ness.  Especially since he’s already given me reason to hesitate.

Logically, I know I have nothing to worry about.  The rational side of me knows that he’s highly respected in the community, and has been for years.  I’ve known him for years.  He’s not going to cross a line during a session.  I wouldn’t even consider him as an option if I thought there was any sort of possibility that he’d cross a line.

It’s the irrational part of me that is the problem.  And that irrational bitch has been rearing her ugly head relentlessly.  Every time I start to think about some sort of plan, how I want the session to flow, she hijacks my brain and concocts all sorts of nasty scenarios.

And it’s pretty hard to shut her up.  Because the truth is, if something were to happen, there’s not a whole hell of a lot I would be able to do about it.  If my focus is on Sounder, and Sounder is tied up, it would be too easy for Doc to take advantage of the situation.  And the dude is 6’6″ and built like a tank.  There’s no way I could physically overpower him.

While I know Sounder could, that’s only if he’s not bound at the moment, and he’s still dealing with those issues that would make kicking Doc’s ass a bad idea.

And furthermore, it’s not Sounder’s responsibility to do that.  It’s mine.  It’s my scene, it’s my decision to include Doc, and Sounder is my submissive.  It’s my responsibility to keep him safe.  I’m not going to rely on Sounder’s physical strength to protect us, and with the issues he’s dealing with, I’m not going to put him in a situation that may put him at risk to make them worse.

Rationally, I know there’s nothing to worry about.  My concerns stem from my own neuroses.  The problem is with me, not with Doc.

And I need to get over it.

Which is easier said than done.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I could do the session now.  I could make it work.  But I’d be unbelievably tense through the whole thing, and would be paying more attention to Doc than to Sounder.  I’d be watching and over-analyzing every word, every inflection, every facial expression, every gesture.  Not many can read people as well as I can, and my entire focus would be on that.  The scene would be a success, but I’d be too drained to be of much use afterward.

And that’s not acceptable to me.  It’s not acceptable to Sounder, either, who said that my enjoyment is the whole point of the thing, and that’s ultimately what matters.

So, options?

There is one option.  I recently bought a pepper spray keychain after a couple female friends had some rather frightening experiences over the last couple of weeks, and the US has enjoyed a spike in hate crimes since every bigot in the country now feels validated (‘Murica!).

Not that everyone who voted for Hitler 2.0 is a bigot.  But this isn’t a political blog, so I’m going to use every shred of willpower I possess to refrain from turning this into a 5,000-word political rant.  I won’t talk about how the similarities between Trump and Hitler are downright uncanny, or how anyone not a white, straight, cis, Christian male is now at legitimate risk, and have valid reason to fear for their safety.  I won’t talk about my uncle, a veteran who converted to Islam after marrying his wife, who is a Muslim (and one of the kindest, most gentle-hearted people you will ever meet), and how he is so afraid, he won’t let her go to the Mosque by herself, he won’t leave the house without at least one gun, hell, he won’t even go to the bathroom at night without taking a gun with him.

And you know what?  I can’t really blame him.  He lives in a small town in a red state, and his wife (who is all of 5’2″, maybe 100 pounds soaking wet, and is not Arabic, and will sternly correct anyone who calls her Arabic) was attacked after 9/11, and one of the ER doctors refused to treat her because she’s Muslim.

He’s a veteran.  He’d probably still be in the service if he hadn’t been medically discharged.  He loved the military.  He wanted to devote his entire life to serving this country.  To fighting for our freedoms (one of those freedoms being the freedom of religion… you know, the whole goddamn thing this country was founded on).

And now, for the second time in his life, through no fault of his own, he has been made an enemy of his own countrymen.  The very people he fought for were the ones who hurt his wife, and they’re the ones who want to hurt him now.

Hell yeah he’s scared.  And he’s fucking angry.  Possibly to the point of being irrational, but this whole post is about my own irrational neuroses, so I really don’t have room to judge him for the same thing.  His anger is tearing the family apart (he found out my mom and other uncle voted for Trump, and won’t speak to them, and he’s not super eager to talk to me, either, even though I’m on his side, because he doesn’t agree with my opinion that not everyone who voted for Trump is a bigot, and he feels like I’m trying to change his mind), and guess who got volunteered/told to fix it?

And you know what?  I don’t know if I can.  His anger is this huge, horrible, monstrous beast, and it’s completely consumed him.  I am neither a veteran nor a Muslim.  I don’t know what to say to him.  I’m in way over my head.  And if I make even the smallest mistake, if I give in to my own frustration, if I lose my control for even a fraction of a second, then I’ll be responsible for destroying both of my parents’ families, and my daughter will lose two relatives she adores.  I can’t afford to make a mistake, and I have no idea how to fix this.  I have no idea how to get past that wall of defensive anger he has up around himself.

But I won’t talk about that.

I have pepper spray, and the canister is small enough that it can fit in my pocket.  So keeping a weapon of sorts on me, within easy reach, will help me relax enough to enjoy the session.  I won’t have to worry about watching Doc like a hawk, because I’ll know that, in the extremely unlikely case that Doc crosses a line, I’ll be able to defend myself and Sounder.  I’ll be able to maintain control of the situation.

And on the other side, in the much-more-probable case that he doesn’t cross a line, and the scene is successful and smooth, it will help me get over that irrational neurosis in future scenes.

It’ll satisfy the neurotic bitch, and it’ll satisfy the rational woman.  And Sounder will be thoroughly fucked by a man, and he’ll cum again and again with a man’s cock inside him.  Everyone wins.

12 thoughts on “Just a touch of neurosis

  1. Coyote from Orion says:

    Most entertaining piece I have read today. Best wishes with it all

  2. collaredmichael says:

    You could use Connor and just supply him cab money after the scene. Then there is no need for pepper spray.

  3. Is calling Uber for Conner an option?

  4. Chris says:

    Dear Miss Jen, I agree with what collaredmichael and I’m not Anastasia have proposed, a taxi (be it a conventional or an Uber one) could be a good solution, and that was also one of my first thoughts. While I see the point that Doc has much more experience in “breaking in” Sounder (I imagine myself, I would prefer an experienced male dom introducing me under my mistress’ supervision to this “practice”), I agree with you that you may not be physically able to stop him from going beyond a certain point. So, most likely, Connor is the better alternative, and he should have some experience – albeit in a different sense – as an adult film actor. Generally, as a sub, I appreciate a lot that you intend to take care of sounder after the “event”, I cannot imagine how I would react to it, so it is certainly important that you will be there for him. PS.: As a German, I liked your assessment of a “Hitler 2.0”, and have to admit that I am really scared of what may happen in the US (and the world?) in the upcoming four years… Trump is just one expression of a phenomenon known from many other parts of the world, including notably Europe: right-wing populism, menacing to separate people and the world, disguising neoliberal solutions by applying social blabla. Anyway, all the best for you and Sounder, I am a little bit jealous, cheers, Chris (please feel free to correct my English before publishing)

    • Domina Jen says:

      Unfortunately, neither a taxi nor an Uber are good options. Connor lives very far from Sounder’s house. The cost would be significant.

      And really, the problem is with me, not with Doc. I would not consider him at all if I logically thought there was even a remote chance he would try anything. I wouldn’t put myself and Sounder at risk like that. This is my issue, and I really do need to get over it. A successful scene with Doc would definitely help with that. And I can use Connor for plenty of other things, that wouldn’t require the kind of aftercare as this.

      Yeah, seeing Trump win was pretty disappointing, but strangely enough, it’s somewhat reassuring that people in other countries are feeling that same nervousness. In the US, we grow up being taught that America is the best at literally everything, and everyone else in the world worships us (I mean that literally, you should take a look at our history books sometime), and it can be rather shocking to find out as an adult that no, that’s not even remotely true. So sometimes, with different events, I can’t help but wonder if maybe we’re blowing things out of proportion, and our fear is unfounded.

      Knowing that people in other countries are experiencing the same (or similar) fear at what Trump may do and the effects it may have, at the very least, makes me feel like we’re not being over-dramatic.

      And your English is fine. Quite a bit better than a frightening number of Americans.

  5. Hopefully a fourth option will present itself and be more to your liking.

  6. Sara Elise says:

    Very interesting reading about logistics and concerns from your Domme position. Thank you. ~sara

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