I’m a fat chick, and I’ve been dating a very attractive man for about six months. We’re in love. He’s introduced me to his parents. My parents love him. We’re talking seriously about moving in together. Everything is great.
Except I’ve never met his friends. I’ve talked to them on the phone but have never met them in person. He even had a separate birthday celebration just for him and his guy friends. He always tells me I’m beautiful and I believe him. I don’t think you can fake a physical attraction and he always makes me feel beautiful and sexy. But I think he’s ashamed to show me to his friends who are all with thin, conventionally beautiful women.
If that’s true then that’s completely unacceptable. But I don’t want to ruin what we have and I don’t want to make him choose between me and his friends
How do I handle this?
Welcome to the world of straight women.
Let’s assume that your suspicions are correct, and while he finds you attractive, he’s afraid to show you to his friends because you may not meet current society’s conditions of physical attractiveness.
Okay, so women are *usually* nicer about that kind of thing, but think about this. Switch the roles.
Let’s pretend you’re Kate Upton, and you’re dating Danny DeVito, but he was amazing, and awesome, and everything you could ever want in a partner (which Danny DeVito very well may be), would you let his lack of Channing Tatum-ness get in the way?
No, because you’re not an idiot.
However, you know how awesome he is. You know how he makes you feel, you know that he’s everything you could ever want. Your friends, who are not you, may not be able to comprehend the truly astounding level of awesomeness that is your Danny.
Are you saying you wouldn’t hesitate, even a little bit? Because I would. And I have.
And maybe you wouldn’t. I can admit that I can be shallow, and maybe you’re not. I don’t know.
But the majority of men I’ve been with have been at a certain level of physical attractiveness. And for the ones who haven’t quite been at that same level… Well, I haven’t really hesitated in introducing them to my friends, but I have prefaced it by saying something like, “He’s not much to look at, but he’s fucking awesome.”
And, we’re both fat chicks, we can say it. There are plenty of people out there who aren’t into us. No matter how hot we are, there are some who will never be able to see us as anything more than fat chicks.
And that’s fine. They don’t have to be into us. I truly, honestly don’t care. I’ve never had trouble finding people who are into me.
Like the guy who hit on me the other day at the music store (with my kid in tow, that hardly ever happens). He was playing on a guitar as we walked in the room, looked up, and said to his buddy, “Man, something told me to look up, and as soon as I do, I see this beautiful angel with the prettiest little girl walk in.”
Smooth. I smiled, I went about my business, and he went about his. He left as I was talking to the sales guy, and that was it.
Until I walked outside. Dude followed me to my car, and struck up a conversation. He actually waited outside in the parking lot just for the chance to get my number.
This is not a hugely uncommon thing, folks.
So do you think I care if some random dude isn’t into me? No. Because there is no shortage of men who are.
Part of that, I’ll say it again, is confidence.
I am hot. Even if I’m not feeling it on a particular day, I’ll tell myself I’m hot. Because telling yourself will actually, literally trick your brain into thinking it’s true. And confidence makes such a big difference, you’d be completely amazed. Like, it sounds like some middle-of-the-night, law of attraction, self help type bullshit. But they’ve actually done studies on this. Google it. It’s a big fucking deal.
Be confident. Tell yourself that you’re hot. Because you don’t have to be a size 6 to be a full-on knockout.
However, there’s one thing I’ve learned in paying attention to the way male friends interact with each other: Men are dicks.
Eh, that may be too strong. Lovable assholes, maybe. But they’re kind of brutal to each other. Seriously, and I thought junior high girls were mean.
So it’s reasonable to assume that your boyfriend will catch all kinds of hell from his friends for your lack of Kate Upton-ness. Hell, his friends may even think you’re hot, but because men are
dicks lovable assholes, they’ll feel that obligation to give him all kinds of hell.
Should that stop him from being proud to be with you? No, it shouldn’t, and that’s on him. But cut him some slack.
This is a situation I’m familiar with, because I’ve never been thin, but again, the majority of men I’ve been with have been at that certain level of physical attractiveness, and there have been times that my lack of Kate Upton-ness has indeed caused tension with his friends.
Of course, I’m lucky in that I carry most of my weight in my tits and ass. Tight jeans, a low-cut shirt, and a great bra have been very effective tools. Men who spend the majority of their time checking out my cleavage are less likely to bitch about the fact that I’m not a size 4.
You may not be that lucky. But regardless of whether you are, should you decide you want to, there are a number of little techniques and tricks to win over his friends and stop that tension before it starts.
So here’s what you do. Tell your boyfriend you’re coming with him to his next guys’ night. If he goes out drinking with your buddies, tell him you’re coming, too. Invite yourself. Don’t give him the option (but don’t be mean, and don’t give him any kind of ultimatum). And assure him that you know how to handle his friends. He’ll be nervous. Do what you can to assuage his nervousness. But don’t take no for an answer.
Walk into the room as if you own it. Be dripping with swagger. By the end of this post, you’ll understand why that swagger and confidence are completely deserved.
It’ll be almost laughably easy. But there are things you’ll have to do, things you’ll have to remember.
First of all, be prepared. They’re going to judge you. Even the nice ones. They may look at your Channing Tatum-esque boyfriend and wonder why he’s with you. The less tactful ones will likely say something about it. Be prepared for that.
And for the love of all that is decent and holy (and this is to all women) put your political correctness the fuck away. Holy fucking shit, do you have any idea how annoying that is? You can’t be a feminazi. Put it away for the night. Go back to your badass feminazi self tomorrow.
Realize that you’re coming into their space. So you need to adapt to them. Whether it’s right or wrong, trying to make them adapt to you will cause you to come across as a snooty/bossy/snobby/obnoxious/buzzkilling bitch. And you’re not trying to enact social change here. This isn’t the time, or the place. Play their game for now, and change their perception after they like you and have reason to listen to a single damn word you say.
Because if you show yourself to be fun-loving, laid back, and reasonable, they’ll be more inclined to listen to you when you do tell them why judging women for their looks is wrong.
That doesn’t happen the first night. You’ve got to speak their language. You’ve got to give them something to relate to. Sometimes, in some situations, that may mean sinking to their level (in a fun way, not a confrontational way).
Listen to the way men talk to each other. Even professional, educated men. Chances are, they’re not being any meaner to you than they are to each other. But men don’t get offended when their friends insult them. They come back with a better insult.
It’s a game. Every group has their own specific rules that you’ll have to learn, but the gist is always the same. And if you’re going to date men that are generally considered above your level of attractiveness, and you want things to go smoothly, then you’re going to have to learn how to play. And you’re going to have to win.
Which you can. It’s pretty common knowledge that women can be exponentially more vicious and conniving than men. Trust me. Once you get the feel for his friends, once you find that rhythm, it’ll be child’s play. And, although it seems counterintuitive, it’ll actually be a bit of an ego boost.
As a bonus, it’ll also build your boyfriend up and make him feel like “the man.” Regardless of your relationship dynamic, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
So play their game. And throw them off guard. Surprise them. Do or say something they’re not expecting.
Want an example? Here’s one, a snippet of a conversation that actually happened the first time I met a particularly attractive ex’s friends. This took place at a bar, and after just a teensy bit of drinking, the douchiest of his friends just couldn’t do tact anymore.
Friend (to my ex): M’kay bro. What is the deal, anyway? I never knew you were a chubby chaser.
My ex (super offended): Come on, that’s not cool.
Friend: I’m just curious. Nothing wrong with being curious, right? Like, what is the appeal?
Me: Ever had road head that was so good you pulled over on the side of the freeway at 2 in the afternoon so she could finish?
Friend: …. No…
Me: That’s the appeal. I give better head than you’ll ever get in your life. My mouth and my pussy can do things that would make you see double for a week.
Friend (scoffing): You’re full of shit.
Me (shrug): You’ll never know, will you? But he (my ex) does.
And it was pretty effective at shutting up his friends.
Of course, it was 100% bullshit. I never once gave that ex head. He was my sub, and I was his Domme. Pulling over on the side of the freeway to have him ride my strapon was more likely.
But his friends didn’t need to know that.
I’ve told an ex’s friends that I’d arranged a threesome for our anniversary. I’ve told an ex’s friends that I actively worked to set up the ex with my extremely hot boss at the time, and wanted him to take pictures to share with me. I’ve told an ex’s friend that I gave him head every day for six straight months. I’ve told Kazander’s friends about how I arranged to have a stripper give him head while I watched.
Out of the examples that I listed here, only the one about Kazander is true. The rest are bullshit. His friends don’t need to know that.
Your boyfriend’s friends don’t need to know anything about what the two of you actually do. If you want to make things easier for your boyfriend (which I would highly recommend), the truth doesn’t mean a damn thing. Truth isn’t part of this game. Not for you.
And if your boyfriend is anything like a couple of my exes, his friends will try to test you. You already don’t meet their standards as far as physical attraction. They’re going to be looking for reasons not to see you as an equal. Be prepared, and beat them into bloody, satisfying submission at their own game.
If they make a sexist joke, return it with one that’s even more sexist (as long as it’s funny, it can be sexist against men). If they tell you to go to the kitchen and make them a sandwich, scoff and say, “Have you ever tasted my sandwiches? They’re the stuff of legend. And I can already see that your dick isn’t big enough to earn one of my sandwiches.”
If they say something about your weight, return it with something about theirs. Or their hair. Or their clothes. Or tell them they have no room to talk when they’re drinking such a weak/girly drink. Be every bit as offensive and crass as they are.
But (and this is important) keep it light. Don’t get offended. Don’t get mad. For the love of gawd, don’t start crying. Adopt the mindset that none of them are serious. Remember, it’s a game. A game that women, generally, don’t know how to play.
But the only reason women don’t know how is because we tend to take things more seriously and more personally than men. I’m the same way, and I specifically turn that off whenever I walk into those kinds of situations.
If you can learn to turn it off, and remember that it’s a game, and just embrace the conniving, manipulative, vicious mental terrorist that your gender makes you, then they genuinely have no chance against you. There’s no woman alive who won’t win that game, and stomp her opponents into the ground beneath her fabulous six-inch heels.
Trust me. It may seem like I’m telling you to be anti-feminist, or to be self-deprecating, but if you follow my advice and do it, you’ll understand how it’s the exact opposite. You’ll feel like Queen of the Motherfucking World, and it’ll feed your boyfriend’s ego, as well. With just a little bit of forethought, you’ll be able to build him up to his friends while good-naturedly knocking them down (by their own rules. Remember, you have to play their game. You can’t just walk in and start hurling insults. Women are way more nuanced in their social interactions than men, so you’ll figure it out quickly and easily, but you do have to take the time to figure it out). Do it right, and your boyfriend will never hesitate in bringing you around his friends again. He’ll be quick to show you off every chance he gets.
So play the game. And win.