A Nemesis

So I apparently have a “nemesis.”

This woman is someone I’ve known, both online and in person, for… oh gawd, 10-ish years now?  She’s a “Domme,” and she’s definitely a member of the “One Twue Way” club.

She and I butt heads on quite a few things.  For example, she’s said I’m “not a real Dominant” because I do all the housework and child-raising, and Kazander doesn’t have to lift a finger.

M’kay, first of all, he does lift a finger.  Every morning, at 7am, when he goes to work while my ass is still sleeping.  Silly me, I guess “real Dominants” have to be entitled, lazy brats who spend all day at the salon while their subs go to work and do all the housework.

Secondly, I love my husband, and there are a great many things he does well.  There are a great many things he does significantly better than I do.  Raising kids is not one of them.  This is the same man who has asked me… repeatedly… how to work a damn sippy cup.  I’m not kidding, we’ve actually had that conversation more than once.


So she doesn’t think I’m a “Twue Dommely Domme,” and we also have different ideas of how a submissive should behave at an event.

She expects everyone who identifies as a submissive to use a title when talking to her, and I have actually laughed in her face when she told me she was offended that my ex wasn’t using her title, and that I should correct his behavior.

I reminded her that my ex belonged to me, not to her, and for someone as “into” consent as she is (she’s very much against consensual nonconsent), it was interesting that she would try to force submission from someone who had not offered it to her.

She also has a problem with polyamory, and has recently expressed frustration at the fact that many Dommes don’t have subs to escort them to munches or events, while I have 3.

She’s also left a couple of comments on posts, most recently this one.  And just this evening, a friend told me that she’d been badmouthing me to some of their mutual friends, claiming that I’m cruel to my subs and that they would be better off if they left me for someone “sane and responsible.”

Someone, incidentally, like her.  And she has actually contacted a couple of my exes over the years, trying to convince them to leave me.  For her.

But through all of this, I just have to laugh.  I find it amusing that a woman almost twice my age has devoted so much of her time to trying to discredit me.

But it doesn’t really matter.  I am not hugely concerned with what others think of me.  And I don’t really play the politics game within the BDSM community, so I just don’t care.  It’s entertaining more than anything else.

She goes through phases.  Most of the time, we don’t interact at all.  We don’t hang out in the same circles, we don’t have the same friends, we don’t acknowledge one another on Fetlife, nothing.  That actually works just fine for me.

But every couple of years or so, she gets on this “Take Jen Down!” kick, and for, I don’t know, a month or two, she’ll shout from the rooftops about how awful I am.  Then, she’ll scream herself out and disappear for another couple of years.

It’s entertaining, it really is.

18 thoughts on “A Nemesis

  1. little one says:

    You’re comfortable in your own skin, while obviously she is not. Got nothin’ other than a ‘fuck you’ for her sorry ass. 💜

  2. collaredmichael says:

    This is another example of the attitude that you spoke of dominant men having–from a female perspective. Ultimately it is petty jealousy and a lack of respect. Too bad, but life must go on.

  3. thechastecyclist says:

    I obviously don’t know this other woman, and no I want refer to her as anything else, but from the quote she left on your post it seems like she is a sad bitter lady.

    I thoroughly enjoy your blog. Thanks for being who you are!

    • Domina Jen says:

      Thank you! I think it’s just loneliness. A vicious cycle of bitterness and pettiness driving people away, and loneliness causing bitterness and pettiness, around and around and around for all eternity. It’s sad, but she’s the only one who can stop it.

  4. Tom Allen says:

    I call those women “fauxdommes.” The One True Way® folks who can’t conceive of any way except what came out of those old Gor novels.

    Ah, my mistake. I wrote jokingly about women such as yourself beign “fauxdommes” because “you’re doing it wrong.”

    I have actually laughed in her face when she told me she was offended that my ex wasn’t using her title, and that I should correct his behavior.

    I once read a great response to this kind of situation: “If I don’t seem submissive to you, it’s because I’m not submissive – to you.”

    You’re dealing with it with grace. I admire that.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I LOVE that quote! That’s exactly my mindset. Subs are not doormats. If a sub hasn’t offered his submission to me, then he is not submissive to me, and I have no business acting all “Domly” with him.

      • Tom Allen says:

        I wish I could say it was mine, but I spotted it at least 15 years ago or more on a Usenet group.

        For a community that’s supposedly big about “consent,” there’s a blind spot when it comes to some doms expecting subs to sub to anyone and everyone.

      • Domina Jen says:

        Yeah, you’re so right. I’ve seen it from both male and female Dominants, and for the life of me, I’ll never understand that mindset. They all say it’s a form of respect.

        But FORCING a sub to do it isn’t respect. If the sub CHOOSES to do it, THEN it’s out of respect. I even had a Dom recently tell me that if a sub won’t use a title or honorific when talking to him, then he just won’t talk to them. His choice, I suppose, but that’s not respect.

        Some people seem to think that just being Dominant warrants respect. But when literally anyone can call themselves Dominant, it’s not enough. It’s not like the President.

  5. explorer3000 says:

    You DO IT your way! I support you:)))))))

  6. Polthus says:

    This –> “I reminded her that my ex belonged to me, not to her..” – yet one more reason to adore you, Ma’am!

    And as for this ‘Domme’ disliking/dissing others who practice polyamory, I have a two-part rhetorical question:
    (1) What does one thing (D/s) have to do with the other (polyamory)?
    (2) How is it any of her fucking business?

  7. thesecretheart says:

    Well, it goes without saying that you do not mistreat this particular sub (me). Quite the contrary. I don’t want to judge the other person, not at all. I would prefer of course that she did not make judgements on you, and to that all I want to say is that I am utterly, insanely delighted with you, just as you are. And as for dividing subs up like Noah’s ark so that a domme and a sub go in two by two, well, it is a nice thought, but the universe just does not seem to work that way. But you knew that already…which is just another thing I love about you. x

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