An open letter to male Doms

Gentlemen,

I’m going to start off by acknowledging that I’m 100% sure that there are trustworthy, amazing Doms out there.  A few Doms follow the blog, and a couple have reached out to contact me, and my interactions with them have been quite a bit more pleasant than my interactions with 90% of the “submissives” that contact me.

However

I do not know any of these gentlemen in person, so while I do want them to read this and take it to heart, I want them to understand that this is not meant as a slam against them.

I’ve made it no secret that I’m not a fan of male Doms as a species.  Because of this, I have been accused of being a man-hater pretending to be a Domme so I can abuse men, I have been accused of being prejudiced, and I have been accused of lumping a great number of people into one group based on the actions of a few.

The only accusation that holds any weight is the third.  And I don’t know, maybe I am lumping.

But you know what?  When I meet just one male Dom, in person, and can interact with him on a regular basis for six months, without him doing or saying something inappropriate, I’ll rethink my bias.

As of yet, that hasn’t happened.  And I’m not sure why.

I have no idea why literally 100% of male Dominants that I’ve met and interacted with in person (who are still alive today) have said or done something inappropriate, or have said or done something to make me feel uncomfortable around them.

It’s annoying.  Male Doms and female subs comprise the majority of the kink world.  I want to be able to befriend and socialize with these men, but they seem dead set on making that impossible.

Frustrating fucking bastards.

And this isn’t unique to me.  My friend, Keke, wrote about this exact thing on her Fetlife page (she asked me not to share the link).  And her writing, along with a text conversation with a Dom I know in person, and a message I received today from a random Dom douchebag, inspired me to follow her lead and write my own open letter to Dominant men.

Here’s the thing.  I’m a Dominant.  I’m not a switch or a submissive.  I will never be a switch or a submissive.  It never has been, and never will be who I am.

I want you to imagine the hippiest of hippies having to attend and fit in at the most conservative of Republican dinner parties.  Or vice versa.  It’s so contrary to who I am, just the idea of it repulses me.  Some people can switch.  I cannot.

Dominant.  Not submissive.

Also, I am interested in submissives.  Exclusively.  As in, that’s it.

I have no desire to broaden my horizons or step out of my comfort zone or try new things.

If you’re not submissive, or at the very least, interested in exploring your submissive side, then I’m not interested.

When a man gets all Domly with me, it doesn’t turn me on.  It turns me off, creeps me out, and irritates me.  I can’t stand it.

You see, it’s the I’m-a-Dominant-and-want-a-submissive-partner thing.  Opposites attract.  Yin and yang.  All that stuff.

So why do Dominant men have trouble with this?  Why do you always, always have to cross a line?  Do you feel threatened by Dominant women?  Do you not respect Dominant women?  I actually want to know.  If any of my male Dom readers have engaged in this kind of behavior, email me.  I want to know what it is that causes it, and hopefully find a way to fix it.

Because it’s not okay.  You wouldn’t say that shit to another male Dom.  Why would you say it to me?

Even respected members of the community, good men, have crossed this line.  And no, crossing the line doesn’t make you a bad person.  Unaware of what you’re doing, maybe.  But you’re not a bad person.

Let’s take the text conversation, and use that as an example.  This is a man I’ve known for a few years now, very active within the community, and a respected, respectable man.

Last time I saw him, we got to talking about Sounder, and what I want to do to him.  I asked him if he’d be interested in fucking Sounder’s mouth.  He said yes, and gave me his number.

I texted him a couple days later and reminded him who I was.  This was his reply.

20161019_020830

Are.  You.  Fucking.  Kidding me?

 

This was his first message.  And I was instantly uncomfortable.  Red flags and loud sirens went off in my head.

Why?  I mean, really.  Why?

And he is far from the first, or the only Dom to say something like this.

Question, gentlemen:  Why would you say that?  Why would you say it as the first thing you say to me?  Do you see me walking up to you, saying, “Damn, little boy, you look sexy as fuck.  You’d look even sexier wrapped around my cock.”

Yes, I recognize that this particular Dom didn’t go anywhere near that kind of obnoxiousness.  But that is something that a Dom has said to me before.  And unfortunately, a terrible history with male Doms has put me on the defensive.  And now this Dom has to deal with it.

It’s not his fault that the other members of his species are such assholes.  And I recognize that it may not be fair to make him suffer for the crimes of others.  But he sure as hell isn’t helping the situation.

This guy is huge.  And I don’t mean fat.  I’m tall, okay?  I’m not used to people towering over me.  And usually, people don’t.  But he does.  Physically, it would be too easy for him to overpower me.

My mind immediately concocted a scenario, of him and me at Sounder’s house, in the middle of a scene.  What if he decided to cross a line?  I would have a hell of a time defending myself against someone that big, and Sounder’s still dealing with those issues I mentioned.  Issues that would make kicking the Dom’s ass a less-than-stellar idea.

Red flags and sirens, man.

But then, I got ahold of myself.  This is a good guy.  He’s not some evil villain, and he didn’t say anything particularly offensive.

Well, he did, but I’ll get to that.  He thought he was paying me a compliment.  Albeit in a very blunt and aggressive way.

And I get it, gentlemen.  You’re used to being sexually aggressive with your partners.  Even in flirting or conversation, it’s a habit.

I get it, because I have the same damn habit.  I curb that habit around Dominant men (and submissives I don’t own), even Dominant men I find attractive (like the man in the texting example).  I curb this habit for a couple of reasons.

First, because I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with them.

Secondly, because they’re not interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

Thirdly, because I do not have the right to push my opinion about their appearance onto them.  They do not exist for my sexual gratification, and telling someone I’m not in a relationship with, and do not know very well, how sexy they are, aside from being inappropriate, is a way of communicating to them that I see them as nothing more than sexual objects, which I can say or do whatever I want to, without regard to how uncomfortable it may make them feel.

That’s not a compliment, gentlemen.  That’s a catcall.

Knock it the fuck off.

Would you say that to a coworker?  Then why the fuck would you say it to me?

I can’t imagine submissive women would appreciate something like that, but seeing as I’m not submissive, and it’s 3:30 in the morning, so I can’t ask any of the female submissives I know, I’m going to refrain from speaking for them.

 

But honestly, what Dominant woman do you think would appreciate something like that?  What is the thought process there?

And why would a Dominant, an individual who is all about consent and knowing whatthefuck you’re doing, and being aware of yourself and your actions, think that’s a good idea?

Is it because he’s threatened by me, and wants to find a way to assert his Dominance?  Is it because he has no respect for me as a Dominant woman?  Is it because we thinks I’ll switch and sub to him?

I don’t know.  I don’t care.  This, gentlemen, is not an acceptable way to talk to a Dominant woman.  It really isn’t an acceptable way to talk to any woman that you’re not in a relationship with, but that’s another conversation.

And this is why male Doms make me uncomfortable.  Because even the respected, experienced ones think that this is okay.  What else does he think is okay?  What could happen in the middle of a session, when my focus is elsewhere?  What might he suddenly decide is okay?

And can I, in good conscience, take that kind of risk with my submissive?  Do I have the right to put Sounder in a situation where he may be tied up and helpless, and unable to defend against someone who decided to cross a line?  Someone I cannot physically stop?  Someone I would not be able to protect him from?

I contemplated a number of different responses, before deciding that a text conversation is not the appropriate way to discuss why the comment made me uncomfortable.  Instead, I went with a neutral, dismissive response.

20161019_020906

I didn’t bite his head off because I’m choosing to believe that he is unaware of how inappropriate and disconcerting such a comment is.  And again, while this is annoying, I do recognize that my reaction to this is exacerbated by a long, sad history of obnoxious “Doms.”  Without said history, maybe this comment wouldn’t make me uncomfortable at all.  By itself, it’s harmless enough to be shrugged off.

But there is history, and it does make me uncomfortable, and he, sadly, joins the very long list of Doms who crossed that line.  And the “perfect record” still stands.  100% of male Doms I’ve interacted with in person have given me reason not to trust them.

So, gentlemen, use this as a guide for how not to interact with Dominant women.

We are not submissive.  We are not interested in being your submissive.  Whatever your reasons for seeing us as somehow beneath you, get over it.  You’re not helping, and you really make me feel bad for the women you own.

Because if this is how you treat a Dominant woman you have no authority over, how do you treat the ones who serve you?  If you’re unable to see me, a fellow Dominant, as an equal, how do you see submissives?  And if you’re unable to see submissives as your equals, how can you possibly, in good conscience, assert control over them?

And you wonder why so many Dommes don’t like you.  Oh, but it’s because they’re man-haters, right?  It has nothing to do with the vast majority of you being willfully unaware of how inappropriate you are, and so many of you being outright douchebags.

Because to us, you’re just a walking, talking stereotype.  It would be amusing, if it wasn’t so pathetic.  This need to assert your “Domly-ness,” to beat your chest and throw your poop and shout from the rooftops, “Look at me!  I’m a super-Dominant, Domly Dom!  See, watch me be super-Dominant to everyone around me, to prove just how Domly I am!”

I mean, you do realize that’s what you look like, right?  Are you that insecure in your Dominance, that you feel the need to try and exert control over me?  Does my existence feel like a challenge to you?  Does my existence threaten yours?

Look at your behavior.  Listen to what you’re saying.  It’s not your fault that assholes have ruined it for you, but it’s up to you to be aware of what you’re doing, and how you’re contributing to the problem.  You pride yourselves on being strong, “manly men.”  Then man the fuck up, recognize your bullshit for what it is, and fix it.

10 thoughts on “An open letter to male Doms

  1. It’s unfortunate that some show a lack of respect as a matter of course. When they try to show humour they make it worse. Ultimately all their relationships will suffer as their subs will lack the self worth and self respect necessary for rich and rewarding relationships.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Agreed. It really is unfortunate. And it’s unfortunate that enough Doms are extraordinary douchebags, that it kind of ruins it for the more harmless things that Doms may say or do, like this text. I’m just not a fan of them as a species.

  2. Ariel M. says:

    Lol. Yeah, he was an idiot for saying that. And I could say “but it wasn’t that bad”…but I won’t. Even as a submissive, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a “Dom” disrespect me. I’m an asshole, though, and enjoy putting them in their place. Doesn’t mean that I should have to, though.

    That sense of entitlement male Dominants have? Yeah, that’s privilege. They’re men and live in a patriarchal society. Men get away with shit like that allllll the time. It’s so common and ingrained even the ‘good guys’ don’t think twice about it. And why *wouldn’t* they be able to say whatever the hell they want to you, right? You’re just a confused little girl playing with the big dogs, ripe for some domly Dom to come and solve your problems with his penis, right?!

    Keep educating them Jen. Hopefully some of your male readers become a little more self aware after reading this.

    • Domina Jen says:

      You’re right, on its own, it isn’t that bad. But when you add years of Doms being dicks, plus even just the vanilla catcalls I get on a regular basis, “not that bad” doesn’t really seem to exist anymore.

      And I recognize that may not be fair to this particular Dom, who has been nothing but respectful in every other interaction. But at the same time, it’s not fair that I have to deal with the other members of his species.

      Life isn’t fair. But men are not pigs, and they’re not unintelligent. It’s something that can be fixed.

  3. I know I haven’t sent you a lot of messages, but I hope I have never said anything that made you feel this way toward me. I actually do have a great deal of respect for you, both as a Domme and as a human being. In many ways, I kind of look up to you as this shining example of careful, loving domination.
    Even, and especially, despite your own suffering of abuse, you are NOT a man hater. Your subs LOVE being yours, and yours alone. I could not hope for anything more than that level of well earned love, trust, loyalty, and respect, be it in a sub, or just a fellow human being. Yours are of an extremely select group of posts to which I look longingly forward to. Not for the sexiness, (though I will not attempt to deny it exists) but more eager of the lesson therein. Please keep the fount of knowledge and experience flowing.
    I am truly sorry that there are so many penis swinging neanderthals masquerading as Doms, just to gain authority over someone (female and male alike) who honestly deserves the loving guidance they are being denied.
    I find myself, in these moments of furthered enlightenment as to what women put up with on a daily basis, embarrassed as a man. It is to me on a very similar level as “white guilt”, only women have suffered far worse, and far longer than any single other body of human, all the way back to “original sin”. This kind of shit is why I have no male friends. I just can’t relate to the need to make sure everybody knows who has (or, more importantly, is) the biggest dick. I don’t need to piss alongside an imbecile to prove I am better (in whatever stupid fucking way that thought process works), when I can let them demonstrate their own willingness to do so themselves.
    Rambling aside, my original intent was to sincerely apologize for any discomfort, discourtesy, or disrespect I may have put upon you in any of our interactions, and that I will strive to eliminate such nonsense from my future interactions with anyone I have not earned that right from.

    #trumpneedsbigblackcocktomakehisassholeadisasterbelieveme

    ~C

    • Domina Jen says:

      No, you have absolutely never been anything but respectful, and you were actually one of the men I had in mind specifically when writing that first paragraph. I’m not kidding, you’ve been more respectful in every message you’ve written than 90% of the “subs” who contact me. And I’m honored that you feel that way, about the blog, and about me.

      And it really is sad that so many good men suffer for the crimes of assholes. Even the Dom who texted me isn’t an asshole, I’m absolutely convinced that he wasn’t intentionally disrespectful. That just doesn’t fit with the rest of his personality. And it’s unfortunate that a comment I’m sure he meant as a compliment is enough to put me on edge, not because of anything he’s done, but because of what others in his position have done.

      But the more we all talk about it, openly and tactfully, the more this problem will become a thing of the past.

      And by the way, that hashtag is beyond epic.

  4. Mykey says:

    It’s the first time I think I’ve commented on your blog. I realise therefore that you don’t know me from Adam. So feel free to take no notice.

    But

    I don’t know if things are so very different over there. In Europe his text, while a tad blunt, would fall into the category of flirting. We do say that to colleagues on occasion, if we know them. Even women will initiate flirting at work here.

    You are planning a sexual scene after all. It’s sexual! If he can’t say he finds you sexy and compliment you while in contact to plan a sexual scene, even if you aren’t the one he’ll be having sex with… doesn’t that strike you as odd?

    Honestly I wouldn’t get into a scene with someone I wasn’t somewhat attracted to, either as sub or dom (I’m a switch). Even if they were not going to have sex with me, simply because the energy needs some level of respect and attraction. A fun, sparkle in the air.

    I would rather be Flirty. Relaxed. Comfortable. Sensual. A pair of naughty people planning something fun. I have co-topped before with another guy. I don’t want to fuck him. I’m straight. But we still flirted. Why not?

    Mykey

    • Domina Jen says:

      Hi, Mykey. Thank you for commenting.

      There may be a cultural disconnect here. The US is quite a bit more prudish when it comes to sex than most of Europe.

      You also have the absurdly high (and rising) number of rapes on college campuses here, the even-more-absurdly-high number of rapists going free, even with convictions, the growing problem of catcalling and women being assaulted by men for rejecting the catcalls, etc. These have only risen in the weeks since the election, now that every bigot feels validated. I personally know 4 women, here in Vegas, who have been attacked and/or violently groped in public places. Most people are a bit on edge to begin with. And again, my history with male Doms (more than one of which has put his hands on me) exacerbates the problem. Without that history, maybe this wouldn’t bother me.

      But as far as “blunt flirting,” I don’t care about culture or where I am, or who I’m speaking to, I don’t like it, I don’t want it directed at me. I’m accustomed to being spoken to and treated a certain way, and I surround myself with romantic partners who treat me with the respect I deserve, and with the level of deference I’m comfortable with.

      Such a cavalier attitude as this text shows makes me uncomfortable because I have seen, often and vividly, what happens when that cavalier attitude goes too far. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. It immediately makes me defensive and it turns me off.

      I have never had a female Dominant speak to me this way (although I’ve had a few who were attracted to me. They were capable of flirting with me in a way that turned me on and dint come across as aggressive or blunt, or as if they thought they had a right to my body). If the women can do it, I see no reason why the men can’t, either.

      And yes, the scene will be sexual. Between Doc and Sounder. My clothes will remain on, and Doc will not touch me. At all. I am quite physically attracted to him, and he’s fun to hang out with. But the fact that he’s a male Dom completely squashes any desires that may have grown.

      I’m not kidding. Until now, scening with a male Dom was a hard limit. I don’t trust them. I’m not comfortable around them. Because I have literally never met one in person, in my entire adult life, that has not crossed a line far more significant than a blunt text. When that happens, perhaps I’ll rethink my bias, and perhaps a blunt text won’t bother me at all.

      Perhaps in Europe, they are more respectful. Perhaps they don’t openly demean women, both Domme and sub, at munches. Perhaps they don’t grab Dominants by the hair when they attempt to walk away from a rude conversation. Perhaps they don’t grab a Dominant’s dress in a public bar, attempting to lift it up and see what’s underneath. Perhaps they don’t grab a lesbian sub between her legs and tell her that he could “turn her.” Perhaps they don’t walk away in silence when they see another Dom do that to a lesbian sub. Perhaps they don’t repeatedly, and loudly, and publicly demean a Dominant at play parties by implying that she strip down so he can beat her.

      I can go on for quite some time, and these are just things that happened to me and my new girl, star. I have another dozen or so examples I could give of things I personally experienced, and another few dozen I could.give of things that happened to women I know personally. And this does not include all the demeaning, insulting things that have been said to me in private conversations.

      And Doc walked away, instead of standing up for her, when the other Dom grabbed her. NO, I don’t trust them. NO, I don’t trust HIM. NO, I doubt I ever will.

      And NO, I won’t forgive blunt flirting. Plenty of women are just fine with that. Flirt bluntly with them. Not with me. I prefer the men who are more subtle, more suave, and more smooth. Both Steel and Sounder are quite good at flirting with me and complimenting my appearance in a way that makes me blush like a schoolgirl. That’s what I like, that’s what turns me on, and that’s the kind of man I want a relationship with.

      And there does not exist a male Dom currently living that I respect half as much as I respect the two men I own. Granted, I have spoken to a number of Doms here, who follow the blog, who have been nothing but polite and courteous, and I appreciate them for that. But seeing as how I’ve never met them in person, I just can’t judge.

      I’ve never met a Dom who is worthy of even a tenth of the respect I feel for my subs. I associate with them, I chat with them, I laugh and share ideas with them, but I do not trust them, and do not let my guard down around them. Maybe one day that will change.

      I’ve been in the community, active in groups run by male Doms and female subs, for 14 years. It hasn’t happened yet, and I don’t hold out much hope for it ever happening.

      But I also do recognize that Doc is not a bad man. He’s knowledgeable, he’s bi, he’s experienced, he’s emotionally stable and won’t require aftercare, and he knows how this sort of session goes. He is my best option, for many reasons, and my neuroses does not serve me here. I need to get over it, and I know logically that he is a man I can trust not to cross a line. My fear needs to go away, and a smooth session with a male Dom will help that. A blunt text does not make him a bad person, and does not mean I won’t be able to trust him in a session.

      • Mykey says:

        Sorry for my delayed reply.
        Thanks for your detailed comment. It’s certainly an eye opener.

        I have seen any number of sad individuals who call themselves dom on the scene here. Overall a good male dom is, i would say, rare here as well… But some of those examples you give?!

        Well to start, publicly… I don’t know any woman who has been violently groped in public here. In a non kink night club I’ve seen girls, sometimes, get annoyed by the attention of a guy, but we are talking verbal, not taking social cues, not getting the hint etc. Bad enough maybe, but actual groping? I would say that’s rare here.

        On the scene… Forget it. Very very respectful for the most part. My wife will happily go naked in a kink club in Britain or Switzerland and feel in no way at risk, except perhaps of the odd socially inept guy standing too close watching the scene. Certainly no unwanted physical contact!

        And grabbing someone else’s sub’s pussy? Pulling hair etc? Honestly wtf. I’d like to believe your experience is unusual. To be blunt the more I learn about the US the more I’m glad I live here. I hope you don’t take that too personally. Our culture seems less prone to extremes.

        What I might expect to see here is the typical man-child dom throwing his verbal toys out of the pram when he doesn’t get what he wants. Passive aggressive and whiny. That’s about the worst I’ve personal witnessed in 20 years on the scene.

        I can see why you might be sensitive.

      • Domina Jen says:

        Yeah, there are an alarming number of reasons why people in Europe tend to be happier and have better lives than in the US. I haven’t spoken to many people who haven’t expressed the gratitude you did for not living here.

        And unfortunately, this is common enough. It doesn’t happen all the time, of course, but it’s common enough that many don’t bat an eye. “Oh, another guy groped you? What an asshole” instead of “He needs to be banned from this group and this sort of event.” Really, no one cares. That’s why I was so shocked to find out that the Dom I know, and like, did nothing to protect star when the other male Dom grabbed her. And even a Domme I’ve respected for years told her she was out of line when she stood up for herself after a highly respected male Dom here told her that he could “turn her straight,” even after she made it clear she wasn’t interested. He didn’t touch her, but his words made her uncomfortable, and when she attempted to tell him that it was unacceptable, she was scolded. By a woman.

        It’s seen as acceptable behavior by a Dom, and as long as he’s not too much of an ass, it’s okay. But that does reflect a current cultural issue here, at least in the vanilla world. The way men here treat women is getting more and more publicity. Maybe as time goes on, this kind of behavior will disappear. I can only hope so.

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