Ask a FinDomme, Part 2

I received this comment on my FinDomme post, from Mena.

Hello, I am new to the online findomme scene. So my question once I have a sub getting ahold of me how do I get him to pay up while making the relationship grow? What questions should I ask before I get him to tribute or should I just make him tribute before even talking with him? After he tributes then what? I have some experience of findomme from years of being a stripper and also men that I have been with, and actually being a dominatrix, but doing this online with people I do not know is knew to me.

Thank you for the question, Mena.  I’m happy to answer it for you.

However, there’s a common mistake you’re making, and there are two separate answers to your question, depending on what you actually mean.

You mention having experience with Findom because of your experience as a stripper, and because of past relationships.  But I’m obliged to point out that dancing and FinDomme aren’t even close to the same thing.

Stripping is closer to ProDomming, actually.  And there is a difference between a FinDomme and a ProDomme.

ProDomming and stripping are the same because you’re being paid for a service.  A client walks in, wanting something specific, whether it’s to have his ass brutally beaten, or to have a beautiful woman dance on his lap.  He pays women like us to give him that.  And we’re in the business to make money, after all, so we’ll accommodate him.

Sometimes, we enjoy our clients, and our job is fun.  Other times, the clients bore us to tears, and we feign a smile and pretend to be interested while he drones on about some stupid, inconsequential thing.  These men may come back once or twice, but they’re not idiots, and they realize there’s no connection, and go elsewhere.  And we really aren’t all that upset when they do.

And of course, you have the people who have serious problems with both stripping and ProDomming.  Because “we’re being exploited,” or “we’re taking advantage of men,” or “we’re just in it for the money.”

A FinDomme is completely different.  You’re not performing a service.  Your sub isn’t getting anything in return for his money.

FinDom is a fetish, and a pretty specific one.  And while there aren’t many men with this fetish, they do exist, and they specifically seek out financial Dommes.

The problem is that there are so many online ProDommes out there who call themselves FinDommes, and the terms become interchangeable to many women in the industry, when, to a man with a FinDom fetish, there is a difference.  He’s looking for a FinDomme, not a ProDomme.

Men who are looking for ProDommes won’t really care, but men who are looking for FinDommes will.  It’s important to figure out which type of man you’re looking for.

If you’re looking to be an online ProDomme, then you’ll have online session, probably over cam.  Many ProDommes also make video clips that they then sell, to appeal to one fetish or another.  Many have their own webcam or phone channels that men can pay to call you or chat with you or watch you.  They cater to a number of different fetishes.

If you’re looking to make any kind of steady income, ProDomming is probably your best bet.  But I’ve never really gotten into online ProDomming, so while I know a bit about it, it’s not something I can really help you with.

FinDommes may dabble in a few different fetishes, but the main one is, obviously, FinDom.

If you’re looking to be a FinDomme, my first piece of advice is to talk to paysubs.  Not to try and get money out of them.  Just to try and get an idea for how they tick.  Understanding their minds, understanding what makes the fetish appeal to them is very important.

And, just like any other sub, you’ll find that they’re all different.  Some will want humiliation or chastity along with it.  Some will be completely turned off by those aspects.  For some, it’s the adrenaline rush that gets them, especially as the amounts demanded increase.  Some will want different degrees of involvement from you.  Some will want you to be engaged with them, some will want you to be more of a brat, and ignore them.

They’re all different, but understanding where the fetish comes from is very important.  These men want to be understood.  Often, even they don’t quite understand what it is that makes them want to have their money taken from them.  And while it doesn’t usually follow the same guidelines that a traditional Femdom relationship does, they do put a great deal of trust in you, and want to know that they’ll be taken care of at the end of the day.

If you’re looking for a FinDom relationship, there are a few ways to go about it.  I’ll detail what I do, and you can take what you want from it.

The first thing is to be online a lot.  Competition is fierce, and if a man gets online to look for a FinDomme, and sees 25 names on a list, he’ll pick the first one that’s available.  If he likes her, if there’s chemistry, and if he feels comfortable with her, then he won’t go any farther down the list.

Get accounts for Fetlife, Collarspace, and  Be on them all the time.

As far as asking for tribute, you’ll find very different answers, depending on who you ask.  I always ask for tribute up front, before I even talk to them.  You’ll soon find that there are many, many flakes out there, who will take up your time for days or more, only to disappear when it’s time to pay tribute.

My time is more valuable than that.  It turns off some men that I ask for tribute up front, but those men aren’t the type I’m interested in associating with, anyway.  But  I’ve always been very selective.  I’m not trying to make money at this, so I don’t depend on them for anything.  I do it because it’s fun.  If I can’t have fun with a sub, I don’t want him.

I have been known to give a sub his tribute back if he annoys me or I just don’t want him serving me (I actually did that fairly recently, when a sub mentioned in passing that he hates all Muslims.  Nope, find someone else.  I don’t want you).  And I’ve gotten messages from subs who feel inclined to tell me how much it angers them that I demand tribute up front, and that I’m scamming men.


I don’t want a man like that serving me, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

The ones who have given me what I want find that I give a lot in return, and that I’m worth every cent they’ve given me.

I have nothing to prove, and I’m doing this because I like the fetish, not because I’m depending on it for an income.  So it truly doesn’t matter to me whether or not any particular sub thinks expecting tribute up front is “scamming” him.  Experienced paysubs, men who’ve done this before and know what they’re doing, tend to understand why I do it and don’t have a problem with it.  I generally like the experienced ones better, anyway.

I always leave the amounts of the first few tributes up to him.  Again, I expect the tribute within the first two messages, so I know basically nothing about this guy.  I have no idea what his financial situation is, and a sub doesn’t have to be wealthy to have a Findom fetish, and he doesn’t have to be wealthy to serve me.

I always tell them to use their best judgement as far as the initial tribute.  And this amount will vary wildly.  In my experience, the average is $50-$75-ish, but  I’ve gotten as little as $20 and as much as $500 from the first tribute.  It really just depends on the particular sub’s financial situation.

After the tribute, then you need to spend kind of a lot of time talking to him.  You need to figure out what it is he wants.  Having subs fill out a questionnaire is a good idea.  It lets you see his expectations, desires, goals, fetishes, triggers, fears, etc, all in one place.

Find out how far he wants your influence to go.  Some men will simply want you to demand X amount of money from them every so often.  Some will want to buy you specific things, instead.  Some will want you to take control of their finances completely.  In some cases, even to the point that they aren’t given access to their own money, and rely on you for an allowance.

And in that vein, you need to figure out what you’re comfortable with.  How far are you willing to take this?  Would you be comfortable going as far as taking over his finances, and shouldering the responsibility that comes with that?

I’ve spoken to newer FinDommes who have been super eager to jump into something like that, and unfortunately haven’t really taken into consideration the amount of work that goes into it.

And I get it.  Even I wasn’t fully prepared for that, the first time it happened.  I’m not fantastic at managing money to begin with, and suddenly I found myself in charge of an income and budget I couldn’t even fathom at that point in my life.  I mean, I knew he made a lot as soon as he told me what he did (his job title was one of those that had like 8 words in it), and that he had a house here and in L.A., but I was barely out of my teens, and working three jobs as an autistic therapist ($10 per hour/$100 per week), an autistic instructional assistant for the school district ($14 per hour/$400-ish per week), and a martial arts instructor ($150 per week).

Put all that together, and it’s a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of what I suddenly found myself completely responsible for.

I’m serious.  He made significantly more in a single fucking day than I made in a week.  Hell, he almost made more in a day than my dad, the wealthiest man I’d known up to that point, made in a week.

I was in over my head, y’all.

I really hope it goes without saying that letting him fall to financial ruin would’ve been a pretty big fucking no-no.

So I learned.  Fast.

It was a lot of work, but it was fun, and the power it gave me over him was beyond intoxicating.  I’m serious, as long as you’re willing to put in the work, the relationship and the bond that forms from a situation like that is unlike anything else.

It’s a lot of work, though, so I highly recommend not recklessly jumping into that situation, like I did.  It worked out for me, but I got lucky.  I had people I trusted who could help me out and teach me, as well as the sub, himself, who was remarkably patient and answered my thousands of questions, and dumbed it all down for me (I had no idea that there were more than just the basic savings and checking accounts… Like, whoa).  I recommend learning that type of shit before jumping in.

If that’s something you’re interested in, start now.  You’ll need it.  You don’t want to find yourself in charge of a six- or seven-figure income and not know whatthefuck you’re doing.

Most experienced FinDommes that I’ve spoken to personally prefer the simpler arrangements.  Demand X amount once a week.  Or have a sub pay for their salon appointments each month.  Or have a sub buy them jewelry.  Or pay a specific bill (or two).  The options are endless.

But really, if you’re looking to be a FinDomme, then the biggest piece of advice I can give you is to do it for the love of the fetish and the bond that will form between you and your subs.  Don’t do it for the money, or you’ll get burned out.  If you’re looking for an income, do online ProDomming instead.  If you’re looking for fun, a unique relationship, and an intoxicating level of control over another person, then Findom should be a perfect fit.

2 thoughts on “Ask a FinDomme, Part 2

  1. thesecretheart says:

    You know, what I really love about this post of yours Domina Jen, is just that…the love you write into the answer. I so totally agree with you – there is no point doing findomme if you do not feel some sort of love for it, and them. As you know, I am not a paysub myself, so I feel safe in saying this. And yes, I do hope your friend finds a way for it to work, because that will mean it is working for the subs too….a couple of kisses for your feet….xx

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