Intro to FemDom

Hey there!
After being in several bad relationships and loosing a lot of confidence in myself, I came across domination. I’m not looking just to get paid as a findom, but I want to do it for the power! I’ve had a experiment with a couple of subs I found online and loved it!
Do you have any tips on how to stand out from the others? Also what tasks and games would you recommend ?
How can I lure them in with conversation?
I would really appreciate your help, I’m a little In the dark on the hole subject and any advice would be very much appreciated!!
Many thanks

Welcome to the wonderful world of Femdom!  It’s a pretty fabulous thing, and I congratulate you on starting down this path.  That power is pretty damn addicting.

As far as standing out from the others, you’re actually in luck there.  If you’re not a Pro or a FinDom, you really have no competition.  I can tell you in two sentences how to get more attention from men than you know what to do with.

Step One: Create a Collarspace profile.

Step Two:  Wait literally 7 seconds.

Fetlife is good, too, but that’s more for social things, making other friends in the lifestyle, going to kink events and classes (more advice: go to classes.  I never pass up an opportunity to go to a class if I can swing it with my schedule, even if it’s on something I’m already very familiar with).  Munches are awesome things.  Go to them and make friends.  You may soon find yourself wishing you had lifestyle friends, since this isn’t a subject you can talk about in mixed company, and sometimes you just have to be able to call someone and tell them about the ah-may-zing session you just had where you pegged and bound and naked boy in a sex swing while he came over and over again, then beat him until he screamed.

But you’ll very soon find the flaw with Fetlife:  It’s very clique-y.  Collarspace doesn’t have the “community” feel that Fet does, so it doesn’t have that problem, and that’s where I’ve met a good 80% of the boys I’ve played with/owned, including 2 of my 3 current boys.

So I’m a fan of Collarspace as far as meeting people.  And again, the only thing you need to do to stand out is have a decent profile, a pic or two (doesn’t necessarily have to be of your face), and be a Dominant female.  That’s literally it.  Your inbox will be filled within minutes.

So you’ll actually have the opposite problem.  You’ll have to learn how to weed through all the online catcalls, look-at-my-dick brats, and men wanting to share their fantasies with you (literally, you will receive these horrendously long stories… like 1500 words and more… that these men have written out, and subsequently copied and pasted to every red name on the list).

You’ll also get what we affectionately (and I use that term extremely loosely) call cookie cutter messages.  Some poor, ignorant, well-meaning sub is going to write out a short note, very generic, usually pretty polite, and literally just copy and paste it to every Domme on the list.

Don’t worry, it’ll take you like 2 days to figure out which are cookie cutter messages and which are real.  Many women (myself included) will assign a task near the middle or bottom of the profile.  Something simple, like “If you message me, tell me what color your eyes are in the first sentence of your message.”  I’m a FinDomme, so my task is to write the word Tribute as the first word of their message.

That way, I know from the very first word whether they read the profile and are actually interested in me, or if they’re just copying and pasting the same message to 200 other women.

You can read all about my rant on these men and how they’re doing every goddamn thing wrong, and why I assume every new message is written by a douchebag here.

I actually called out one such douchebag 2 posts ago and created a flowchart to help people who may have some trouble figuring out what is an appropriate message to send me.

So really, they’re the ones who have to stand out.  Not you.  Your job is to weed through the replies, figure out which are real (and interesting) and reply to them.

And I’m kind of bitchy about the whole subject, but don’t get me wrong.  There are some fucking amazing submissive men out there, who will reach out to you.  Submissive men are just fucking amazing in general, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a huge fangirl of them, to the point that I won’t even consider a relationship with anyone who doesn’t identify on that end of the spectrum.

Since you’re just starting out, just starting to see the appeal, I recommend reading my page “Why Submissive Men.”  A common mistake I’ve seen from women who are newer to the lifestyle, particularly women who have been rather thoroughly fucked over before finding the lifestyle, is to not really take the time to appreciate the gift they’re being given.  It’s special, and it’s a gift that’s not always easy to give.  It’s important to never lose sight of that.

As far as luring them in, that’s not really something I can teach, and even if it was, I’m not sure I’d want to.  What’s going to lure them in is your energy, your charisma, your Dominant spirit, your confidence, and your general nature.

I will say that confidence is the single most important thing about being a Dominant, followed extremely closely by self-control.  You cannot be a Dominant and insecure.  I’ve seen insecure try to be Dominants, and it always ends in disaster, and can have some very bad, long-lasting effects on the submissive.  Literally, you can cause semi-permanent or permanent emotional and mental (and even physical) harm to another person.  Insecurity has no place in your mind.  It’s trash, and you need to throw it out.

You have to have confidence in yourself.  You have to know yourself.  You have to know your strengths, know your weaknesses, know what you’re good at and what you need to work on.  You have to be able to look at yourself objectively.  You have to be comfortable with who you are.

These are not suggestions.  They are requirements for being a Dominant.

The other thing is self control.  This is unbelievably important.  Why?  Well let me give you an example.

Let’s say you have a steady relationship with an awesome sub.  Things are going swimmingly.

Then, as every relationship eventually will, you’ll hit a snag.  You’ll argue.  Tempers may flare.

Your temper cannot flare.  You need to learn how to shut your emotions off.  If your submissive is having a problem, he may struggle with how to express it, and he may get angry.  Your job is to hear the underlying message he’s trying to convey, and not make the problem worse by feeding into his own strong emotions.

You will have an extreme amount of power, control, and influence over your submissives.  They will open themselves up to you, and show you a level of vulnerability that will make it all too easy for you to cause harm if you’re not in control of yourself.

If you lose your temper with a vanilla man, you may get into an argument.  If you lose your temper with some submissive men, you may find them in the fetal position on the floor.  That is the level of trust they’ll place in you.

So you’re not free to lose your temper.  You’re not free to doubt yourself.  I’ll tell you the same thing my mentor told me when I was first starting.

A submissive sacrifices control for freedom.  A Dominant sacrifices freedom for control.

You can’t have both.

Now is this something you’re expected to do now?  Not necessarily, it doesn’t happen overnight.  But you need to be aware of and work on those things all the time.

So you need to figure out what kind of Dominant you want to be.  What kind of relationship do you want?  What kind of submissive do you want?  This will likely evolve the deeper you go into the lifestyle, but it’s something you always need to be aware of.

You also need to figure out who you are as a person.  This is something you’re never done doing, and you always need to work on it.  Actively.

As far as tasks and games, now you’re getting into the fun stuff, and really, it’s only limited by your imagination (although Google has some pretty damn awesome ideas).  And it depends on what you want to do with your subs.  For example, I’m feminizing Sounder and turning him into a sissy.

So, for example, I’m taking him to the salon with me this weekend to get pedicures.  I’ve also taken him to get his makeup done by a professional specializing in male-to-female transformations.

I love pretty much anything having to do with humiliation.  And sometimes even basic things, like not allowing them to wear clothes or use the furniture, have a big impact on a boy’s headspace.  Supervised masturbation is always fun, and you can be creative with that, as well.  Make him edge for you once every hour or half hour for an entire afternoon, or make him fuck himself with a dildo (or suck on one) while he masturbates.  Make him spend an entire evening plugged or gagged or bound, or some combination of the three.

Writing assignments can be fun, too.  You can make him write humiliating affirmations X number of times a day (make him handwrite them, to ensure that he’s not using copy and paste).  It could be something simple, like, “I am a slut,” to as elaborate as you want, like, “I’m a cocksucking whore who needs to be kept in chastity, and fucked hard and often by real men.”  I mean, go nuts.  I’ve done this with Kazander, and you’d be surprised what a difference in can bring about.

It doesn’t have to be affirmations, though.  A trend I noticed in Steel* early on prompted me to make him write me an email every day, with 2 parts.  The first part was easy for him.  He had to tell me something he loved about me, and why.  The second part was harder.  He had to tell me something he loved about himself, and why.

I recently had Sounder start a blog of his own, to journal his thoughts.  I’m going to start pushing him a bit, in a slightly different way than I have so far, and the added insight into what’s going on in his mind is going to be a big help.

Fucking with guys after they cum can be fun, too.  Submissive men tend to feel the least submissive right after they cum.  So you can use that against them.  More than once, I’ve jerked a boy off and then immediately fucked him with a strapon, using his own cum as lube.

Or you can make him do housework in a really humiliating or inconvenient way.  Or dressed in humiliating clothes.  I’ve had Sounder clean out my car while dressed up in a French maid outfit.

Games are limited only by your imagination, too, and they can be as simple or as complex as you want.  You could use a die and assign something for each number.  Like if he rolls a 1, he gets fucked with a strapon.  If he rolls a 2, he gets 25 spankings.  If he rolls a 3, he has to sleep plugged.  And so on, and so on.  Put an orgasm as one of the values, and tell him he can only roll for a chance to cum after he’s given you X number of orgasms with his tongue.

Like 5.  For every 5 times he makes you cum, he can roll the die.  Or 10.  Or 20.

Or hell, it doesn’t even have to be sexual.  Maybe for every time he does your grocery shopping for you, he can roll the die.  Or every three loads of laundry he does for you.  Or every two times he cooks you dinner.  I mean, literally anything.

Or you can use a point system, assigning certain tasks a point value.  Making you orgasm may be worth 5 points, doing all your laundry may be worth 10, taking your car and filling it up with gas may be worth 3, a half-hour-long sensual massage may be worth 6, doing your taxes may be worth 15, I mean, whatever feels right to you.  And for every 25 points he can earn an opportunity to roll the die.  Or maybe every 50 points.  Whatever feels right to you.

But you can’t ever let him forget that the basis of the relationship revolves around him serving you, in whatever way you decide you want him to.  All three of my boys work to serve me, sexually, of course, but also in very different ways, catering to their own strengths.  Kazander serves me by working his ass off and supporting me so I can raise and educate our daughter properly.  He’s fucking brilliant with numbers and money, and he runs the finances so I don’t have to worry about it.

Steel serves me by being my sounding board and giving me an objective, tactfully-worded outside perspective to a problem, that I may not have been able to see before.  He’s also a writer, and his background makes him unique in that he’s one of the very few people on this planet with a better grasp on the English language than I have.  So in those rare times when I’m stumped on grammar/spelling/proper comma usage (which, being the grammar nazi that I am, I’m loathe to admit that there are times I’m not sure), he’s the one I turn to.  He also has knowledge in other areas that has helped me out tremendously in the past.

Sounder serves me by being my release, both in the bedroom and out.  When a situation arises that annoys me or irritates me, or even pisses me the fuck off, I can vent to him, I can bitch and whine and complain, and he offers that supportive ear that I need.  Then, once the bitch-fest is over, I can switch back to my normal, let’s-look-at-the-bright-side-shall-we, okay-so-how-do-we-solve-this-problem mentality.  And that goes for the bedroom, as well.  I push him hard, and it helps release any pent-up energy or restlessness that may be lurking around.

But the common denominator is that my needs come first.  Their job is to worry about me, not themselves.  I have the responsibility to make sure their needs are met (this is a relationship, after all.  Give and take), but how and when I do so are at my discretion and contingent upon their service.

*Okay, so another important thing is to learn about your submissives.  I cannot stress just how important this is.  You have to make it your goal to learn everything about them.  You have to watch them, to always be paying attention, to always be listening.  You have to learn how to read their facial expressions and body language as if they were speaking plain English to you.  You have to be able to pick up on subtle cues, changes in tone or word choice, anything.

Here’s a bit about how I do that, and why.  If you want to read the whole post, you can, but this is what relates to this situation.

But anyone can beat someone. Anyone can take a paddle or a crop or a cane or a flogger or insert-impact-toy-here and use it to hit someone else. Anyone can tie someone up and do mean things to them. There’s nothing special about that.

But a boy’s emotional and mental state? That’s where the real fun comes in. And that’s where the real power comes from. That’s what I love, and I use a variety of tools to get the reaction I want.

My goal with any boy is to learn as much about him as I can, as soon as I can.  From the very first message he sends, I look at his grammar, vocabulary, tone and mood of writing, I look at his approach, I look at how he addresses me.  I look at his profile, I look at how he describes himself, what he feels is important enough to include on it, how he sells himself to potential partners.  If he has pictures, I look at those.  You can learn a lot about a guy from the pictures he posts (or doesn’t post) on his profile.

When we meet in person, I’m still paying attention.  I’m looking at his posture, speech patterns, how he dresses, how he carries himself, how he interacts with bartenders/wait staff, I’m looking at his body language, I’m looking at what he does with his hands, I’m looking at whether or not he fidgets.  I’m looking at how he interacts with me in a vanilla conversation.  I’m looking at his sense of humor.

Most of the time, I’ll allow him to guide the conversation, allow him to pick the topics.  And I’m looking at what he wants to talk about, what he’s knowledgeable about.  I’m looking at how he presents himself when talking about something he knows a lot about.  I’m looking at how he talks about his job, his family, his friends.  I’m looking at the stories he chooses to share.

I do all of this to get a basic understanding of the way he acts and reacts, and his general “default” emotional and mental state.  Once I’ve got a pretty good idea of what that is, I can start looking for things that trigger a response that falls outside of that “default” state.

And once that happens, I’m in.

That level of observation and focus never diminishes.  I’m always watching my boys, taking mental notes.  Because once you get into the really fun stuff, you need to know everything you can learn about him.  It’s crucial.

So I hope this helps.  If you have any more questions, feel free to email me, and I’ll be happy to help you out!

11 thoughts on “Intro to FemDom

  1. Mia says:

    Thank you for sharing your insightful knowledge and experience. I follow your blog for quite some time and wanted finally to leave a thank you comment. This blog is a joy to read for a newbie like myself. I am looking forward to more of your awesome posts 🙂

  2. explorer3000 says:

    Master class!

  3. thesecretheart says:

    I am always amazed that you have accepted me. But ever so grateful. Anyway, I loved this post, of course. I am still wondering about that killer reversal of yours …. “A submissive sacrifices control for freedom. A Dominant sacrifices freedom for control.” Is it that simple, I wonder. Do we subs really give our control? Do we really do that (it feels as though we should, and we always say we do, but do we really? We try to do it, and you know that much is true). And do you in your turn really sacrifice freedom? You know, Mistress, I hope you do not sacrifice it too much, really. There is a lot to think about in all that. But I think we also “game” each other a bit. There is an apparent yielding from our (sub) end, which is not complete, at least, not pure. Or: a yielding which, in the sub’s egotism, gives power. I do not trust myself, as you know, and I doubt my own motives. Perhaps if I am kindest to me, I could say this: I feel as if what happens is an experiment from both ends in trust. I know you feel that too, but the trust is also a bizarre kind of love, and love in that regard at least, is sweet. Does any of that fit, I wonder?

    • Domina Jen says:

      Of course I accept you, my little one. And I’m grateful to have you in my life.

      As far as the reversal, I’ve found that real life is never as simple as those little phrases. Ideally, yes. But giving up THAT much control (or freedom) can be difficult, and people backslide. Still, that’s the goal. A sub should give up that control, and trust that his owner will take care of him, and just let himself *be*.

      I do sacrifice most of my freedom, but in turn, I feel the freest when I’m with my subs. Or talking to you. I can be myself, I can be the truest version of myself. That, in itself, is a blissful type of freedom. I may not have the freedom to lose my temper or be selfish or insecure, but I have the freedom to be who I am.

      You’re right about that game, and about the yielding that isn’t complete or pure. And you’re right about the power, too.

      But you’re so hard on yourself, pet. Are you perfect? No. Are you a perfect sub? No (and that actually makes us a good fit, since I’m not a perfect Domme). But you’re sweet, and kind, and sexy as fuck, and you have a beautiful soul, and I’m proud to call you mine.

      Trusting yourself is hard, too. If things were different, you wouldn’t *have* to. All you’d have to do is trust me and let go (easier said than done), and I would help you learn to trust yourself.

      Yes, a bizarre and beautiful kind of love. I couldn’t have said it better.

  4. thesecretheart says:

    And I do wonder how many different ways there are too adore you…

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