Alright, cat’s out of the bag. Sounder’s name (the name I call him, anyway, and his real name, as far as I’m concerned) is Jessica. For convenience and to keep it discreet in public, I shorten it to Jesse.
About a week ago, I gave him an assignment. Part of his training is to gradually lose his privilege of privacy. That includes emotional and mental privacy, too. I want to know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. I want to know what he wants, what he craves, his hopes, his fears, memories of the past and dreams for the future, literally everything.
Steel can attest to this desire to know everything, and he knows just how serious I am about it.
Jesse is no different. If I could get a constant feed of every thought he has, every day of the week, including images and running synopses of his dreams at night, that would be almost enough to satisfy me.
How does one go about opening up a man who is very much not used to opening up?
Here’s the thing about training pretty much any submissive, particularly when you want to go as deep as I do.
They’re grown ass men.
They’re used to doing basically what they want, when they want. They’re used to handling their shit, living their lives, all that stuff. They have egos, they have autonomy, they have the ability to live their lives successfully without (or with minimal) interference.
They have a need, and they know how to meet it on their own. Independence. Autonomy. Free will. Whatnot.
So when you start taking away their rights and privileges, and start taking away their ability to meet their needs on their own, it forces them to confront the idea that they are no longer in control of having their own basic needs met, and must depend on their Owner for that. The Owner gets to decide when (or if) and how those needs are met.
The thing is that being confronted with this type of loss of control, particularly when it comes to needs or privileges that are extremely important to that particular submissive, often creates a level of discomfort and anxiety in the submissive. There’s usually an amount of pushback at first, and it’s natural. Basic human psychology and all that.
Over time, as the trust deepens, and the submissive realizes that he will be taken care of, his needs will be met, and he has nothing to worry about, that anxiety is replaced with freedom and peace. He doesn’t have to worry about all that bullshit anymore.
Still, it can be scary at first.
And, since I occasionally try to be a nice person, I do what I can to minimize the anxiety. There are a couple of ways I do this.
First, I wait until the relationship is well-established, I’ve proven to the sub that he can trust me implicitly, and that I will put his needs above my desires and whims. A great deal of trust has already been established. So the sub doesn’t immediately freak the fuck out when I start taking stuff away.
Another thing I do is the exact opposite of what I’ve seen some Dominants do.
It is apparently relatively common to threaten to end the relationship, or discard the sub, if he doesn’t continue performing to the best of his abilities.
This idea is pure and utter bullshit, and people who play this kind of game are insecure children who are obviously not in control of themselves, and should therefore never be allowed to control another person.
Fear is a primitive emotion, and using it as a primary tool to control someone is ineffective as fuck. Aside from needlessly stressing your sub the fuck out for literally no reason whatsoever, and dealing a pretty fucking heavy, damaging, long-lasting blow to their psyche (yeah, that’s a great way to take care of another human being), power gained through fear is not real power.
That power disappears as soon as the fear disappears. So Dominants who engage in this type of relationship must find new ways to keep that fear alive, and foster that negative emotion.
But even then, the power rests with the partner who is most willing to walk away. That isn’t always the Dominant. And then, what happens when the Dominant finds herself (or himself) dependent on the submissive for one reason or another?
That power is gone, and the dynamic dissolves.
And on top of that, they’re denying a sub’s basic need from being met. Every sub needs to feel secure with his Owner, and in his relationship, in order to give up his inner self, and expose that vulnerability. They need to know that they’re loved, and cherished, and won’t be abandoned. They need to know that their needs are being met, and will continue to be met, no matter what.
Power given through love and respect, rather than fear, is real power. A sub who follows out of love and respect will always be happier, more loyal, more faithful, more eager to serve, more fulfilled, and more at peace than a sub who follows out of fear of abandonment or punishment.
So I don’t ever threaten to leave or abandon my boys. I assure them, loudly and often, that they’re mine, and I’m going to take care of them, and I’m not going anywhere. This security allows them to take a breath and get their bearings when that anxiety kicks in. They know that I’m here for them, and I will continue being here for them.
The other thing I do is take things slowly, and give them time to adjust to each new thing I take away. And it starts small. For Sounder, it started with taking away his ability to wear men’s underwear. Something relatively minor, in the grand scheme of things. But it was a lot for him at first.
I’m in no rush. I’ve got all the time in the world. So I waited a year to start pushing him hard.
And even that is going to be taken slowly. For example, talking about his feelings is not one of his strongest points, and he can be a difficult person to read. This is something that will become an obstacle if I take him much deeper. So the first big thing I want to take away from him is privacy. I want to know what he’s thinking. I want to know what’s in his head.
So I told him to start an online journal or blog. Something I could read. The subject matter was completely up to him, but I expected at least 2 entries in any given 7-day period, at least 500 words each.
He, being the obedient sissy that he is, quickly had the blog set up and his first entry written.
I gave him the option of keeping the blog private, if he wanted it, and at first, he did. But he’s been in an oddly agreeable, slutty mood lately, so he made it public.
It can be found here (I’m also putting a link to it, as well as Steel’s blog, in the side bar on the left). I’m sure the kinky masses will love it as much as I do.