Gay, straight, or bi?

This is in response to a rhetorical question posed by Drew, a small part of a longer post about something else, that for some reason caught my attention.

He states:

Finally, as I have written this I just realized I don’t know any bisexual men who are in a primary relationship with a man but have a woman on the side. How odd. I do have multiple gay friends who had marriages/relationships with women but changed teams after some years and none of them want to go back to anything intimate with a woman, but, also, none of these guys identify themselves as bisexual now either. That’s just a curiosity of mine, now. Hmmm.

My original plan was to leave my thoughts on his post as a comment, but while I have a great number of skills I excel at, not-rambling is one I simply cannot do well.  A thousand words into the reply, I realized this was too damn long for a comment, and I’d need to write it as a post.

This is just speculation, and I’m not gay, so this may be totally off, and if it is, or if I’m off-base due to ignorance, please tell me. A general rule for dealing with me: Allowing me to wallow in my ignorance is almost as bad as lying to me.

My personal view is that gender is fluid, but because psychology, and because our brains need categorize and label to maintain our sanity, certain parts of that spectrum have been lumped together and labeled. You’ve got Straight, Bi, and Gay.

Obviously it’s not that simple. On one side, you’ve got Straight as an Arrow, Mostly Straight, and Straight-ish (heteroflexible). And even that is a gross oversimplification.

But for the sake of not making this ten thousand words long, we’ll keep it stupidly simple. The gender you’re attracted to can be just as fluid as gender itself, but a great deal of that is decided by your genetics. Genetics plants you on one end of the spectrum. Either Straight or Gay.  You’re born predisposed to one side or the other.

Through learning about yourself, developing your personality, reacting to the environment you’re raised in, and figuring out how you feel about yourself and the world around you, that slider starts to slide toward the middle, until it reaches a place where you’re comfortable. You develop a sexuality that is as complex as any other aspect of your personality. Same with gender identity (and again, for the sake of simplicity, we’re going to take out transgender people, but that doesn’t mean they should be ignored or disrespected. Really, I know this is going to be long, and I’m trying not to write a damn book).

You develop that sexuality, you learn what fits with you, what makes you feel good, what you enjoy, what turns you on.  As you do, that slider moves to wherever it fits on the spectrum. And it can sometimes be cemented in, if that’s what you’re comfortable with, or it can slide all over the damn place, if you prefer.

That’s what should happen, anyway, and I think that’s what we’re wired for. That’s what happens to people born with the slider in the Straight camp.

But for people who are born gay (and we’ll take away psycho religious parents or intolerant parents. Keeping it simple. We’ll say that it is not reasonable to fear that the parents will hate or disown the child for being gay), it’s different. That slider should be all the way to the Gay side of the spectrum, but it’s artificially pushed toward the middle, or all the way to the other side.

And with non-psycho parents, we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say it was completely unintentional. But they had a hand in it. It’s natural for a parent to assume their child is straight. I’ve had conversations with my four-year-old about whether she wants a husband or a wife when she grows up (because boys have cooties and the only man she wants to allow in her house when she grows up and makes TONS of dollars, like 25 dollars, is her daddy). And I feel like I’ve gone out of my way to leave that gender identity and gender attraction door open for her.

But then, she’ll say something stupid (like saying “I play drums with my butt” when she farts) and I’ll say, “I cannot wait to tell your first boyfriend that.” I don’t even think about it.

Statistically, her slider is probably under Straight. But if it’s not, if her slider is under gay, and she’s always being told she is going to end up with a boy, she’s going to marry a boy, she’s going to be a mommy and raise a baby with a daddy, that pushes it toward the middle.

She’s fucking four. She doesn’t know yet if she’s gay or straight. She doesn’t understand what that means. She doesn’t fully understand what gender is. There’s a lot she doesn’t know.

So she takes my lead, as is natural. My words, my comments, even in passing, color her perception of the world, and what she’s supposed to be. She accepts what I tell her as truth, because she doesn’t know any better. My inlaws tell her that a fat man flies around the world, fits down her chimney, and leaves presents for her, and she believes it, because she doesn’t understand how that isn’t possible. She doesn’t understand the world.

A parent who says (or even just implies) that their child is or needs to be straight has those words accepted as unequivocal truth by their children. And it affects that slider.

Coming out as gay, from what I’ve heard from other people, is almost always terrifying, and emotionally charged. I’ll never forget watching a video, a black woman’s sister videotaped her coming out to their mom. And the lesbian was terrified. She stumbled over her words, she took long pauses and deep trembling breaths, and she barely got it out.

The entire time, the mom stood there, leaning against the wall of the hallway/walkway she was standing in, her arms crossed, her expression unreadable.

Finally, the daughter got it out. The mom paused for a moment, then said, completely calmly, with almost no emotion, like she was bored with the whole thing, “That’s it? That’s the big news you had to tell me? That’s your big announcement? Because that’s not a big announcement girl, I know you don’t think I’m dumb. I know you don’t think I didn’t know this for the last ten years. I knew you were in the closet.”

By now the sister was laughing, and it’s hard to tell, I think the daughter was laughing too. The mom was standing right next to either a supply closet, or maybe the doorway to a basement, so she opened the door and said, “Every once in awhile we’d peek in the closet door and check on you. ‘Hey, you ready to come out? No? Alright then, you stay in the closet.’ [close door.] Then, a little later, [open door] ‘Hey, you ready yet? No? Alright, see you later.’ [close door] So alright, this is your big news. You a lesbian, I’ll send out the family newsletter.”

So with a parent like that, from a strictly logical standpoint, it was unreasonable for her to be afraid of her mom’s reaction. But when someone comes out of the closet, there is a great deal of (justifiable) completely irrational fear.

Because the media, the entire world has shown you that being gay is wrong, how you’re somehow less because you’re gay, that people hate you because you’re gay, that certain countries would imprison or execute you for being gay (which is why I changed my mind about honeymooning in Jamaica.  I will never support a country that criminalizes that), that you’re at greater risk for being the victim of a hate crime for being gay, and that countless loving parents turn their backs on their children for being gay.

Fuck yes the fear is stronger than logic. That takes courage to do, and it’s not easy. For years, that slider has been artificially pushed to the right (or left, it doesn’t matter which is which), and when Straight people are developing their sexuality and finding out where they’re comfortable, starting from a neutral position, they can explore and experiment at their leisure.  Gay people have had the slider pushed.  They may be confused at why the position of the slider makes them uncomfortable, they may feel that’s where it’s supposed to be, but maybe there’s something wrong with them, maybe they already know, have always known, where the slider is supposed to be, but feel guilt because it’s not what everyone else is doing.

I’m not going to speculate on the millions of different methods a person has for realizing the slider is in the wrong place, and the process of both coming to terms with that and figuring out where it’s supposed to go.  But that process, somehow, at some point, happens.  And that’s not easy, either.

So once someone comes out as gay, they’ve finished all (or at least most) of that.  They’ve had to fight for that.  Whether consciously or not, it’s been a fight against themselves, against society, against expectations, against fear, against doubt.  It may make someone question everything they think they know about themselves.  It’s rarely an easy journey.

So they’ve gone through that, they’ve put the slider where it belongs, they can be themselves.  When a young Straight person thought about moving that slider to the middle, the general mindset may have been, “Fuck it, let’s see what happens.”  It’s a curiosity.  It doesn’t necessarily greatly affect who they are.

A gay person didn’t get the luxury of being able to say, “Fuck it, let’s see what happens.”  They didn’t get to casually experiment, with the cavalier attitude that a straight person may have had.

A gay person went through all that fucking work to put the slider solidly on the Gay side of the spectrum.  After going through all that, subconsciously it may feel like undoing that work if they allow the slider to move to the middle.

A gay man, for example, may have spent the first decade and a half or more of his life being unintentionally told that he’s supposed to be attracted to women.  And the whole time that’s going on, even before he’s old enough to be consciously aware of it, much less understand, there’s a part of him deep down that says no.  As time goes on, that part of him may be harder and harder to ignore.  It may be that same part of him, once he comes out, even years or decades after he comes out, that recoils at the idea of moving that slider back where it shouldn’t have been in the first place.

It’s possible that a part of his subconscious rebelled against where the slider had been pushed.  In an effort to protect himself, his subconscious fought against the physical attraction he was being told he was supposed to feel towards women.  It rebelled against the idea of having a girlfriend, having a wife.  It rebelled against the idea that he was expected to join in with his guy friends when they started bragging about all the pussy they smash, because they’re “real men,” and “real men smash pussy.”

If that’s the case, then it’s understandable and expected that a gay man may discover that he’s more comfortable keeping the slider as far to the left as possible.  If that’s the case, then it makes sense that he simply doesn’t find women attractive, and has little to no desire to experiment.  He’s already done his experimenting, more or less against his will.

I owned a gay boy once, who was homosexual, but panromantic.  We didn’t have words like “panromantic” back then, so trying to describe our relationship was difficult.  But while he loved and adored me as his Owner, he could never be physically/sexually attracted to me.  His body responded to me, sure.  He was fine with me doing things to him, but he could never sexually service me.  And he loved when I did things to him.  He was a very eager slut.

But I learned quickly where his head was, exactly where that slider sat, and why he could never bring himself to be sexually attracted to me.  Being with him helped me understand the mindset of a life and a trial I knew nothing about.  And it helped me understand that, for him, there was so much more than “is she hot or not” going on in his head.  It wasn’t that simple for him, because he didn’t have the luxury of developing his sexuality casually the way I did.

We’ve touched base a few times over the ten years since we broke up.  Last I heard from him, he’d been collared by and gotten married to a loving Dom who took amazing care of him.  I’m the only woman he ever belonged to (although he has had a couple of emotional, romantic relationships with vanilla women).  That slider never budged for him.  And he’s comfortable with that, he’s comfortable with who he is, and he’s happy.

He’s the only gay man whose mind I was able to explore that deeply.  I’ve owned two lesbians over the years, only one of which I had the chance to fully explore, and her mindset was similar, although slightly more flexible.  She took no pleasure in sexual activity with a man, but would tolerate it if I told her to.  And she never once complained about my collared man at the time give her oral while I fucked her doggy-style with a strapon.

She did have a pretty deep love of humiliation, though, so I wonder if that’s part of the reason for the flexibility.  Humiliating her by making her suck a man’s cock both repulsed her and turned her on, just as it does for Sounder.  The act itself made her cringe, while the rush of humiliation when I fingered her and she came with a man’s cock in her mouth made her hungry for more.  And on the rare occasion that I allowed him to cum in her mouth, and made her swallow, when she was already deep in subspace, it reduced her to the sweetest, sluttiest, neediest, most adorable puddle of subby goo.  She was petite, so small, and she would crawl into my lap, clinging to me while I gently played with her clit, trembling, completely sated and spent and exhausted.  That’s an awesome memory.

So again, my experience is limited to two individuals and my own speculation.  I may be wrong, and if so, someone set me straight.  But to me, the amateur psychologist that I am, it seems like a good theory.

16 thoughts on “Gay, straight, or bi?

  1. Gguy says:

    Ms.Jen, interesting read, I agree with most of what You say here.
    One of my long term beliefs is (and I may get blasted for it) is that Women are more likely to be bi by nature then men are.a male that is a sub and considered straight may suck a cock because his owner says so, but his turn on is to please master. But I feel more Women generally enjoy bisexuality in itself by percentage. Once again, I accept I may be wrong here …

    • Domina Jen says:

      Oh I agree with you, to a point. I think it’s more common for women to be bi than men simply because it’s more culturally accepted for a woman to be bi. Women can be encouraged by their friends to experiment, while men who even *consider* experimenting with another man can often be completely shunned by his friends.

      I don’t think women are biologically or genetically wired to be more predisposed to being bi, than men are. I think men are just as likely to be bi, if given the opportunity to enjoy it.

      That’s the difference. Women are *allowed* to enjoy being bi. I can go and tell my parents-in-law that I’m bi right now (actually I think they already know) and that’s fine. Not even worth a conversation. All my friends know, both my male and female friends. No one, other than a psycho religious friend’s sister, said anything even remotely negative.

      If Kazander were to tell his family, his father, that he’d played with men, it wouldn’t matter that I was in the room, directing it (actually, that might make it worse). He only hesitates for a moment before telling his friends that I arranged to have a stripper suck his dick, but he would never, *ever* tell them that Sounder has sucked it. You don’t even have to know his friends to guess how that would go.

      Men are assholes. They just are. Does that make them bad people? No, not necessarily. They’re the result of that same conditioning gay children suffer from. Men are expected to like pussy. And ONLY pussy.

      Here’s a fun experiment. Lock a group of straight male friends together and tell them that someone in their group is secretly bi, but don’t tell them who it is. Picture your own guy friends. How would that go?

      Luckily, that is changing. But it’s slow. It takes time to undo decades of damage and conditioning. Soon, the reaction to learning that a man is bi will be the same as learning that a woman is bi. But we’re not there yet.

      The lesbian I owned wasn’t bi in the least. She sucked cock because I said so, and she took pleasure in obeying me, but she took no pleasure from the act itself. The first time I made her swallow, she promptly threw up. There wasn’t a single bi bone in her body. You mention a straight man sucking cock to please his Owner (like Sounder), and she did the same thing when she was mine.

      So I agree, but it’s not that women are inherently wired to enjoy it more, it’s that they’re allowed to enjoy it.

      • Gary says:

        Hmmm still not sure I agree on that point, Women are so much more touchy feely with each other, but I admit I may be totally off

      • Domina Jen says:

        Again, what happens when two friends who are girls hold hands, or loop their arms, while walking down the street? What happens when two friends who are guys hold hands, or loop their arms, while walking down the street?

        Girls are allowed to touch each other without having to worry about being called “fags” by their friends. Take a couple of generations of that, and it’s natural that men are made to believe, from birth, basically, that they can’t act on those impulses.

        Women have way more freedom here. If a girl wants to play sports and learn about cars, she goes on talk shows and she’s universally praised. If a boy wants to paint his fingernails, his parents are universally attacked. I don’t know if you remember the magazine editor who printed a picture of her painting her young son’s nails on the cover of a magazine, and caught all kinds of hell for it. For a little boy, growing up in that world, of COURSE he doesn’t want to experiment. Not when it means public ridicule, being kicked out of his group of friends, and possibly turned away by his family.

  2. My perspective of from a woman’s point of view, which, for culturally ingrained reasons automatically will be different from a man’s, but what I can add is this:

    The world told me in every single way from birth that I would love a man, be a mommy, and adore all things girly. My first crushes were on girls. Celebrity crushes. Teachers. Friends. But that was before sexuality was a thing. That was emotional. My first sexual experiences were with men. From 16 to 20 I had a boyfriend, and this guy was not into exploration. (maybe you could tie me up?.. Uh, no.) He made me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting to be controlled or humiliated, so the good girl that I am, I enthusiastically enjoyed really vanilla sex with him. A lot of it.

    I masturbation to an image of two women, one dominating the other. I masturbated to thoughts of my boyfriend taking advantage of me while I was incapacitated, bound, drugged, etc.

    In high school, I fell in with the drama club kids, though I wasn’t one. The gay kids. They felt like my people. Outside, I was the party girl, drill team, weekends were filled with parties with my boyfriend and his friends, and I had fun and I loved him dearly. But emotionally, I knew I was wired differently, more bent, more strange, more kinky, more open to exploring, and those things were just natural and accepted by the drama kids. I was in love with my best friend. She was in love with another girl.

    By the time I finally broke up with my boyfriend (and made it stick) it was just completely natural for me to openly embrace what was inside me. I came out. I had a girlfriend. Little baby dyke I was. Submissive baby dyke. There wasn’t any questioning. I just felt like of course this was who I was. Steeped in lesbian culture, leather culture. I felt like I was finally home. Accepted for who I was. Understood. I fit in. I had my people. Coming out wasn’t hard. I had flown out of the closet like a storm and demanded the world accept me in my combat boots, flat top and collar.

    Life was easy. I had a political cause. A sub culture. A fierce support group.

    That’s why, when a friendly bottle of tequila with my best guy friend, as was not uncommon at the time, turned into a renewed craving for cock… I was devastated. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

    Lesbian. Proud. I knew who I was.

    But I didn’t.

    Coming to terms with not fitting in with the women my world revolved around was harder, by FAR, than accepting that I was gay. It destroyed my identity. They no longer accepted me as one of their own because I was tainted by the cock. I was labeled a fence-sitter, a caver to society, confused, afraid to be real… Lots of judgment came at me from the Lesbian world. I no longer fit in. And. It. Was. Devastating.

    But having discovered that the scale of sexuality wasn’t as firmly set as I had believed it to be, I couldn’t and wouldn’t pretend otherwise, so… Bisexual it was. For better or worse.

    Mostly, from a societal standpoint, it was all worse. Men saw a slut who would let them have a 3-some with another chick because, right? Well no, actually I’m wired for monogamy. Women either didn’t see me at all or thought I couldn’t possibly be serious about a relationship with them because of my discussing love of cock.

    It really just sucked.

    Times are different now. Today, kids can be “pansexual” or whatever else they want to label themselves, and for the most part their peers are like “oh, cool.” That knowledge, that my kids are getting to actually decide who they are without pressure from either side…. That is the greatest gift, and they can’t even know how lucky they are or how quickly things changed.

    I just love who I love, and over my life it’s been about 50/50 in the genitalia department, but always and forever it’s the Dominant energy that makes me wet. I’ve always disliked the term Bisexual, because it seems to imply it’s about sex. It isn’t. It’s about love.

    If I were 20, I’d have a group of peers I fit in with, but I struggled to adulthood without one. Except the kinky community. This is my family. I’m forever grateful for that.

    Thanks for another thought provoking post, Miss. My rambling response feels like it completely missed the mark, but this is what bubbled up. 💕✌

    • Domina Jen says:

      No, thank you for sharing it. Like I said, I’m aware that I’m making some pretty broad sweeping statements about huge, diverse groups of people based on my personal experiences with a small number of individuals. I’m glad to read about your experience.

      And yes, these things are slowly changing. I’m glad for that, and hope they continue to move in this direction.

      It’s not easy to figure out what you are when what you want doesn’t fit with what the people around you say you’re supposed to want. It takes time, and trial and error, but it’s good that you’ve figured it out and are comfortable.

  3. Gguy says:

    Ms.Em, wow that was really cool! Glad you sorted it out, too bad it can take so long!!

  4. Gguy says:

    Also, I didn’t mean to offend with the term bisexual, I meant it in the way that you wouldn’t allow gender to be an impediment. Sorry if I offended!

    • Domina Jen says:

      I don’t find the word bisexual offensive. It’s simply a label, due to our own brains’ need to label things. I agree, I don’t like the word either, but it’s an easy way to communicate a specific point in that spectrum, a specific position of that slider.

      With the current influx of acceptance of previously-unknown gender identities, the biggest problem I have with “bisexual” is that, in some circles, it excludes anyone who is not cisgender. “Bi” means “two.” Only two. And for me, there are way more than two gender identities that I have found myself attracted to. So the new “pansexual” works better for me.

      We’re also discovering that attraction has more to do than just sexual attraction, so the “sexual” part of any label doesn’t quite fit the way it used to. That’s why you have people like Connor/Pet, who are homosexual and panromantic. So homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, and pansexual all fall into that same boat, and as we learn more about identities and attraction, those labels may have to end differently.

  5. Silke David says:

    Interesting theories. Yes society very much programmes us to be hetero. That is the norm. That is why, even in the last 20 years or so, in which we have come a long way in accepting homosexuality, and in the last years, bisexuality, pansexuality, transgender etc, on a personal level, it is still very hard for people to “come out” and feel accepted by “sections of society”. I posted on Drew’s blog, why do people have to “come out”. No-one expects a hetero person to “come out”. Would it be wonderful, when one day no-one cares who you sleep with or live with? Why give labels. Just be. Sometimes it might just be a specific person someone is attracted to. It is an exchange of energy. if people want to be in a box, fine. But can we please accept and let others be?

    • Domina Jen says:

      I agree, although the labels will never go away. That’s not a choice that people make, and I have to chuckle when people adamantly insist that they don’t conform to labels. It’s what our brains do.

      It’s how we communicate. We, as a society, have looked at a color and labeled it as “pink.” We have all agreed on that label. So when we’re describing a dress to someone who has never seen it, we can say it’s pink and the other person will immediately know what we mean.

      Gay and straight are the same way. It’s much more efficient to use the very general label, “gay,” to reference an individual sexually and romantically attracted to their same gender.

      For example, if you were trying to describe Thumper to someone who doesn’t read his blog, it’s simple and efficient to say that he’s “bi.” Everyone who reads his blog knows that’s an oversimplification, but it gets the point across. You could also say he is, “a man who is primarily sexually attracted to women, but often sexually attracted to men, provided they possess that Dominant energy, and it seems almost exclusively romantically attracted to women, but (and I’ll interject and point out that I haven’t read all his posts, so I can’t say for sure, and forgive me if I’m wrong, Thumper) that may or may not change.”

      Both ways of describing him are correct. One is more efficient than the other. He is bi. His bisexuality is as complex as any other part of his personality, of course, but he’s bi. That’s a label we can use to describe him.

      Because, psychologically speaking, our brains love labels. It helps us understand something, it helps us process information. There’s nothing wrong with labeling someone, as long as we realize that labels such as Straight, Gay, or Bi encompass an infinite number of possibilities.

  6. Gguy says:

    Ms. Jen, respectfully I must ask You something, what is it that You enjoy about watching a straight male suck a cock under Your direction, is it the act, or the fact that You can make him do what You want, and he puts Your desires ahead of his own instincts, or a combination of the above?

    • Domina Jen says:

      Oh dear…

      First of all, gay porn just turns me on. Even on the rare occasions that I watch vanilla porn, I prefer to watch gay men. For the same reason so many men love to watch lesbian porn, I assume.

      But our sexuality is a big part of who we are, and how we identify ourselves. That, and men are assholes (hear me out). So a straight man, with straight male friends, has likely been conditioned all his life to think that being anything less than a “manly man” is humiliating.

      Thankfully, this is one of the things that is changing, but it’s changing slowly.

      So I adore humiliation, and for an average straight man, there isn’t much out there that’s more humiliating than being made to suck cock. I love the “forced” part of forced bi.

      And I love that it’s an active decision he has to make. I tell him to suck cock, and he has to decide whether or not to obey me. He has to do it himself, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to.

      Yes, it’s hot for all the reasons you described, and more.

      • Gguy says:

        Ms. Jen, very well said, I myself have never sucked a cock, and would never do so under instruction from another male, however, not sure how I would react to orders from a Woman, my guess is I would probably follow Her orders, since it would be over pretty quick, as appossed to Her possible wrath.
        One other point that I really enjoyed was the fact that You love watching Your orders followed, on this particular act, I can see the thrill on several plains,
        1) despite a lifetime of male indoctrination, You can make him go against that in about 3 minutes! Cool power trip, nice work!
        2) You mentioned loving to humiliate, real men don’t suck cock, so what is he then?
        Conclusion, You win either way! Congratulations !

  7. doomedsaint says:

    Hot damn…. Yes, please write your novel! And please own another lesbian sub 😉

    On another note, it’s been so hard to explain it isn’t the act itself, but doing it under the direction of a Domme…. It’s very difficult for me to articulate what’s going on in my head other than: all I want to do is please Her and will do anything She asks.

    Again, love your writings~

    • Domina Jen says:

      You’re right, that is difficult to describe. But it’s still hot to watch! And should I find another sweet lesbian sub, of course I’d be open to owning her and doing lots of mean things to her.

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