King of the castle

I’m a heterosexual submissive woman who has always been simultaneously turned off and fascinated by submissive men, and I was hoping you could maybe shed some light on them, and why you’re attracted to them.

For me, I’m turned on when I see a man in all his glory, strong, powerful, and in control.  It’s so hot knowing that he has that strength in him.

And it feels so secure knowing that he has everything.  That he can handle everything.  All I need to do is trust him and do what he says and everything will be alright.

I’m a strong woman.  I love the quote “Don’t look for a princess in need of saving.  Look for a queen willing to fight by your side.”  I could never take a weak man seriously.  I need a strong man.  It takes a King to rule me.  Nothing less.

I couldn’t imagine a relationship with a man who isn’t capable of handling me.

But I’ve talked to a couple of submissive men and I’m wondering if maybe I’m way off base here and there’s like this whole element I’m missing.  Am I missing anything here?

What is it about submissive men that you find attractive?  Why do you prefer them over a good Dominant man?

Haven’t you ever just wanted to relax and let someone else take the lead?


No I have not.

I’m guessing you’re a new-ish reader.  Welcome to the blog, and thank you for writing.

But I have to ask…  Did you happen to notice those tabs there on the left?  At the top of the side bar?

Does no one read anymore?

You want to know what I love about submissive men?  That link is a good start.

As turned off as you are by submissive men, multiply that by a few thousand and you’ll begin to hold a candle to a fraction of how I feel about most Dominant men.

They don’t just turn me off.  They literally repulse me.  Whenever a guy starts to get all “Domly” with me, it makes my skin crawl.  Even thinking about it makes me cringe.

Sounder once described a conversation with a Dom douchebag, who told him,”The king gets to fuck the queen, and all you get to do is lie at her feet.”

His response was, “Any weak, self-absorbed asshole can fuck someone.  But to protect and serve a queen requires actual strength and fortitude.”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  You’re into Dominant men.  What turns me off to them probably turns you on.  You and I are apparently on complete opposite sides of the spectrum.

And that’s fine.  That’s the kind of man you want, that’s the kind of relationship you want, and more power to you.  It’s all about what makes you happy.  You seem to know what makes you happy, and that’s a good thing.

But you’ll have to forgive me for raising an eyebrow or two as I read this.

First of all, regarding weak men.  There is nothing wrong with weak men.  Not everyone can be a hero.  Not everyone has that strength of spirit.  I have loved my fair share of weak men, and there’s just something so guileless and trusting and vulnerable in the way they love.  It’s unique to them, and they have their place.  They’re beautiful, their weakness is beautiful.

But I know you don’t think all submissive men are weak (or that all weak men are submissive.  I can list a terrifying number of weak “Doms”).

You’re a submissive and you claim you’re a strong person.  I believe you.  My reasons for believing you, despite the fact that I don’t know you, bear a post of their own, but for now, we’ll just simplify it and say I fully believe you are a strong person.

If you’re a submissive, and a strong person, why would you think that wouldn’t be true for a submissive man?

Have you read any of my posts describing my subs?  They’re the strongest people I’ve ever met.  The things they’ve endured, the things they’ve been through, the way they’ve come out the other side, stronger and harder, is awe-inspiring.  All three of them have impressed and astounded me.  They’re absolutely incredible, and I consider myself lucky to own them.

You talk about kings.  My subs are the kings in my world.  But they do not rule me.  I rule them.


My world is like chess.  The king doesn’t hold the power; the queen does.  The game is won or lost by her decisions.  The king lives or dies by her choices.  She leads the army, she charges into battle, and she fiercely protects her king.

She’s brutal.  And manipulative.  And relentless.  No one questions her.  No one challenges her.

That’s my world.  And it takes a strong man to handle me, to handle what I put them through, what I make them endure.  I’m not gentle with my boys.  And there have been many who simply couldn’t handle what I wanted.

Kazander, Steel, and Sounder are strong men who can handle me, can handle being owned by me and can handle being in a relationship with me.

That asshat Dom claimed he was a king, but he was just a little boy who wanted to boss someone around.  And sadly, there are a great number of pricks like him.  I could never respect a man like that.  I could never take him seriously.

I love Sounder’s response to him.  But that Dom wasn’t a king.  Sounder is.  He deserves every bit of the respect I feel for him.  He has the strength and fortitude it takes to serve selflessly, to put someone else’s wants and needs before his own.

It’s like a conversation I had with Steel recently, about why I wasn’t actively looking to have penetrative PIV sex.  Because anyone can fuck.  But it takes a special kind of man to give me what I want, who can meet my depravity with eagerness, who can willingly follow me down that dark, twisted path.

Anyone can hold a woman down and fuck her.  Dominant men and the people who like them are fine, and have every right to have what they want, have the relationship they want.  But to me, there’s just nothing special about a Dominant man.  They’re a dime a dozen.  And I’ve only ever met one I could respect.

Submissive men are special.  They’re incredible.  They’re admirable and wonderful, and I could fill page after page with words about how much I love them.

My subs are the kings of my world, and they have the strength and fortitude necessary to serve me selflessly and follow me wholeheartedly.

26 thoughts on “King of the castle

  1. thechastecyclist says:

    I hope you don’t mind that I reblogged this on my site.

    I feel more peace and strength the more I submit and surrender to my wonderful Wife!! I have to be “dominant” in the muggle world and always felt incomplete until we as a couple agreed and MrsL accepted my submissiveness. She is growing and learning but it makes me feel whole!

  2. This is brilliantly stated. I agree with everything you’ve said and it’s all based on logic and experience and love. I hope that you’ve gotten through to your reader, but I have to think, somewhere in the dark corners touched by my memory, that there is a fair chance that you didn’t. Couldn’t.

    My reason for thinking this is simply my own experience as a life-long submissive girl. My entire life I have understood what strength it takes to submit. I feel that strength in me, indelibly. I see it in (most or some) other submissive women. It has always given me a feeling of pride to be strong enough to submit fully. Deeply. Authentically. To serve.

    That said, and despite the fact that the Female led relationships I had the honor to witness in person when I was active in the community were, without a doubt, some of the most respectful, classy, and honorable examples of what we do, I still always had an unease with submissive men that I couldn’t quite shake. It wasn’t logical. I was friends with them, liked them, adored and respected their Mistresses, even highly respected the way they handled themselves in public and at parties. Those relationships were perfection in action, except for the pesky persistent illogical underlying discomfort I felt that they were male submissives.

    It wasn’t until I was put into a situation where saving a marriage came before my own need to submit, where saving a husband I loved from his own instability, where trying to eliminate the chaos that had taken over our family became the focus of my life… It wasn’t until I (reluctantly at first) learned to find and embrace my own hidden Dominant nature, it wasn’t until I learned to wear the key, to really fully come into my role in an authentic way, and to bring out in him the submissive nature that he felt would restore order… It wasn’t until I watched him transform from a tantrum throwing, out of control, ego driven, instant gratification seeking, infant of a Dominant man, into something altogether miraculous, that I understood. It wasn’t until I witnessed the strength of took for him to conquer those demons, it wasn’t until I saw the look of determination to please me and meet my expectations, it wasn’t until I saw those eyes soften and look up at me in complete trust and adoration, mixed sometimes with a healthy measure of fear… It wasn’t until I saw him transform into my Knight, My protector, sworn to service, my hero restored on his knees… It wasn’t until then that I really did understand in a way that seeing it from the outside never could touch.

    The way I look at submissive men now is a gift that I was given late in the game, but I’m so grateful to have had my vision corrected.

    A man is a strong animal. Physically, he could have snapped me, and it was with that knowledge that he willingly endured whatever terrifying scenario I could dream up, he willingly suffered humiliation in droves, learned to crave the things I wanted him to crave, beg for them, even when he continued to insist that he actually hated them.

    That he is physically strong and had a lifetime of reinforcement to the idea that he was to dominate his world, and then found the strength to lay that all at my feet and give me his sword, along with his softness, his devotion, his gentle love, his doe eyes that melted my heart… That is the very definition of strength and courage, and I quietly did a disservice to all those amazing, strong, dignified, intelligent submissive men that I knew before I had the experience of owning him.

    The perspective came only through seeing it from the inside, which, even with the wonderful examples I witnessed early in my exploration in the community, was informative and impactful and emotional in a way that those examples around me never were.

    Theoretical understanding vs. Immersion.

    I’m ashamed of my old squickiness toward these incredible, beautiful creatures. The world is much richer, a more glorious place with them in it.

    Thank you for another thought provoking article. This was a nice way to start my day. 🙂 Blessings to you and yours.

    • Domina Jen says:

      This is beautifully written. And very true. Now that you mention it, I remember knowing a submissive woman who felt that same unease until she found herself living with and collared to a Domme who also had a collared male living with her. Living 24/7 in that relationship opened her eyes and changed the way she felt toward submissive men in general. I also knew a submissive woman who was openly hostile in her attitudes regarding submissive men until her adult son told her he was submissive, and she took the time to truly understand him.

      Part of me wonders if it’s that old cultural thing, that men are supposed to dominate and take control, that makes some submissive women uncomfortable. But for me, it’s the culture that makes them even more special. They have to deliberately turn their backs on those cultural expectations, and that’s not an easy thing to do. It takes effort to lie at my feet, because the entire world tells them I should be lying at theirs.

      • So much this. One could go so far as to say that it takes more courage for them to submit than it does us girls because “culture” is more accepting of a woman following a man’s lead than the other way around. With the whole feminism thing it’s less “ok” for women to find peace in submission than it used to be, but that’s a relatively recent piece on the board compared with centuries of “me man, me fight, me lead” that the guys are bucking against. 🙂

      • Domina Jen says:

        Oh gawd, you’re so right about that feminism bullshit. You’re not allowed to want to submit to a man, and if you do, you’re singlehandedly setting women back 50 years. It’s obnoxious.

    • DH says:

      This was really great to read. I was never really a “Dominant” man in the D/s sense, though I was always pretty Alpha. We have been practicing Domestic Discipline from the F/m perspective for many years, but only in the last year or so have we been trying for a deeper D/s power exchange, with her the Dominant and me submitting. We are both trying really hard to “bring out in [me] the submissive nature that [I] felt would restore order” as you put it so well. And, know what — it is hard as hell! Obeying and taking orders is something that my inner Alpha fights with every fiber of his being. But, on those occasions when I accomplish it, it is freeing in a way that is just impossible to describe to someone who doesn’t get it.

      As for the rest of the world, it’s true that submission in a male is not accepted and is often seen by people like your reader as less than masculine. I understand that feeling, because I myself don’t respect weakness. But, I also don’t really give a shit what they think. I submit to my wife — not to the rest of the world. Now, that doesn’t mean that being submissive has had no impact on my day-to-day persona. It hasn’t made me less of a leader outside the home, but it has softened some of the harder edges so I am more open, willing to make myself more vulnerable in other facets of my life. That makes a *better* leader, not less of one.

      • It’s one of the hardest things you will endeavor to accomplish, likely, and there will be ups and downs, trials and errors, misunderstandings and sweet soothing, but if it’s what you both seek, and you stick it out, letting the ooopses slide into learning, if you can learn to laugh when things go wonky, eventually you’ll find your own rhythm and flavor that works for you as a couple.

        What an exciting time for you both. 🙂 That exploration is as beautiful as it is hard. I’m a little jealous of people in this that are actively exploring something new because while new flavors will come, and new partners or situations will always add something new to learn and master, there’s nothing like that first dip into the waters.

        Just yum.

      • DH says:

        “What an exciting time for you both.:) That exploration is as beautiful as it is hard.”

        Very. It is going to accelerate pretty dramatically in the next couple of months due to some changes in our living arrangements. It is both exciting and scary as hell, really stepping fully into this.

  3. Gguy says:

    Ms. Jen, strange coincidence here I was thinking last night about my point of view as a submissive male, that enjoys being ruled by a dominant Woman
    I know that You understand us very well, but I figure putting my thoughts out will give some a better understanding of how some of us think. I would never consider myself weak, just consider a dominant Woman to be even stronger, I look at it this way, once a Woman considers me worth the effort required to turn me into one of Her conquests, train me, and teach me Her way of doing things, I feel Her effort should be repaid with obedient, and respectful service, I would consider myself much as a conquer territory now annexed and serving a greater power,my thoughts and ideas should be considered, when respectfully presented, but with the understanding that I do not have the final say, and will respect and obey the final word of the Feminine Superior.

    • Domina Jen says:

      That’s a lovely way to put it. I’m always happy to hear a man’s point of view as a submissive.

      • Gguy says:

        Ms Jen, always a pleasure to share, one of my favorite things is to be shown off by a Domme, to another such as preparing and serving them lunch etc as they chat, it not only shows how well I obey, but what a good job my owner has done training me

  4. thumper says:

    Maybe what she doesn’t like is weakness, not submission. Domination, as you point out, can be done from a position of weakness. Happens all the time.

  5. Gguy says:

    MsJen, Ms Em, it appears both genders have to fight against pre-conceived notions as to our place in society….

  6. warpedkitten says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more. Awesome post.

  7. SpanishRed says:

    Reblogged this on The Ochre Muse.

  8. Mrs Fever says:

    This is well-written and speaks to the larger cultural issue of “acceptable” gendered roles. Why should stay-at-home Dads be treated differently than stay-at-home Moms? They shouldn’t be, but they are. Why should female CEOs be treated differently than males in equal positions of power? They shouldn’t be, but they are. Likewise, male vs female submissives.

    Societal expectations are grounded in age-old prejudice, and who ‘should’ be on either side of the power slash (D/s) is no exception.

    My husband said to me recently, “It is ingrained in our culture that men ‘should be’ the decision-makers, the leaders.” He shrugged. “If that’s the way it’s ‘supposed to’ be, then how about this: I decided that *you* should lead.”

    I love that man. 🙂

  9. Wayne says:

    Everyone has an opinion. Here’s mine. Submissive men are weak. There is nothing masculine or noteworthy about them. I respect your right to your opinion. I hope you respect my right to mine.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I do respect your right to an opinion. However, it is my firm belief that you, along with everyone who shares your opinion, are a sexist pig.

      Why do I believe that? Well, why do you believe submissive men are weak? It is because you think so little of women, that any man who submits to one is somehow “less.” Because you assume that, for a man to be a man, he must be in a place of superiority over women at all times, particularly in romantic and sexual interactions.

      Also, because you insist on posting this comment, on a FemDom blog, trying to start drama, assuming I would care about your opinion. Which is literally the definition of a troll.

      I know there are people like you who exist. I’m aware that misogyny is a thing. I’m aware that there are people like you out there.

      I don’t care.

      I’m not sleeping with any of you, I have literally zero romantic interest in any of you, and I’m not the least bit attracted to any of you, so why do I care? My subs don’t care, either. Because both of them are getting laid on a regular basis, by someone who loves them. Who cares if some random stranger doesn’t approve?

      Random strangers think I’m not beautiful because I’m a BBW. Random strangers don’t think I’m a real woman because I know more about cars than most men. You think I care? You think their opinions matter?

      So when someone thinks subs aren’t real men, why should your opinions matter?

      While you’re so busy worrying about us and trying to start drama, we’re actually living our lives, enjoying each other, and being happy.

      I feel sorry for you.

      • Joshua says:

        Ok Jen please let me try to explain this mans comment. I do think that submissive men are weak, but I think anyone that does not stand up a defend what they believe in are weak. Maybe that is what he think is going on here. Well that being said I believe that SUBS are strong men. Why? well because they believe in you so much they are willing to let you be in control of them. They are in so many ways stronger then a DOM could ever be. It really does amaze me reading your blog, the things they let you, the DOM have control of. For someone to totally let someone of weaker mind control their very being shows that strength . I do believe this is what he means, or he truly does not under stand what it means to be a SUB. Because before i found this blog I would have said something very similar.It may be a simple case of misunderstanding on his part. Not that he is a sexist pig. Well then again he might be just a troll i do not know. I am just trying to show you another point of view. Because a lack of understanding can lead to hate.Simply put he does not understand the dynamics of the relationship.
        Ok there i tried i know i am horrible with grammar and English but i tried to put my thoughts into words. Again wonderful read!
        PS please do not think i am trying to degrade you in anyway!

      • Domina Jen says:

        I honestly have no idea what you’re saying. First you say, “I do think that submissive men are weak.” And then you say, “Well that being said I believe that SUBS are strong men.”

        What is a SUB? What is the difference between a SUB and a submissive man (or woman, for that matter)?

        Also, I find it interesting that you feel I have a weaker mind than my subs.

        As far as misunderstanding as opposed to being a sexist pig goes, I have no patience or tolerance for that nonsense. How many times do you feel it is appropriate to post demeaning and insulting comments on FemDom blogs before researching and attempting to understand the relationship dynamic?

        That’s the thing, you see, and that’s why dear Wayne is a sexist pig and a troll. Intelligent, rational, and logically-minded people prefer to understand before they start spewing bullshit.

        We live in an age where you have, in your fucking pocket, a device capable of accessing the literal entirety of mankind’s knowledge. Do you have any idea how significant that is?

        There is no excuse for ignorance. And I have no patience for ignorant people.

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