Answering a comment

A gentleman made a comment on my last post.

First time visitor of your blog here.

I totally see your point, however I feel that you are jumping to conclusions. I live in a small town in eastern Europe. I’ve attended a munch once in a city nearby. There were 15 people total. 6 doms, 5 male subs, 3 female subs and 1 domme. The whole time I was there I felt like a third wheel and couldn’t contribute to the conversation, because the only thing we had in common were our intimate interests, which we actually barely talked about. It’s more difficult to manage that in a group setting than in a 1on1 conversation.

So after that experience I retreated back to the internet. There’s one thing I have to point out though. Once I finish my masters degree I want to move. I’m still undecided on the location, maybe UK. I don’t think trying to get to know people over the internet is a bad thing, hell we should praise the internet, because it’s actually hard to find someone compatible, so to speak, within our small community. And who knows, should I find someone like that, it could very well be the nudge I need to move.

Welcome to the blog.

I can see where you’re coming from.  But, since you’ve actually been to a munch, you’re not in the group of men who refuse to go, which are the ones I was addressing in the post.

And I wasn’t condemning the internet. Far from it. I met all three of my subs on the internet, and have developed friendships with people all over the world, thanks to the internet. It also gives people a degree of anonymity that helps them talk out their feelings in a way that an in-person conversation can’t.

Especially if you’re planning on moving, you’re right, it’s a good idea to get to know people from other places.

I’m not saying the internet is a bad thing. But a large group of submissive men (judging from my experience and the experiences of other Dominant women I’ve spoken to about it, the majority of submissive men) has never been to a munch, and outright refuses to go. The excuses they’ve given are as varied as the men themselves, but it all boils down to the same thing.

Some munches suck. Some groups suck. And I’ve been to plenty where I was bored out of my mind, surrounded by people I can’t relate to at all, just like the munch you described. It’s part of the process.

Compare it to vanilla dating. One bad date shouldn’t turn you off to dating altogether. One bad munch shouldn’t turn you off to them all. They’re not all bad. And I still maintain that they’re the best way to get a feel for the local community, as well as make friends who understand this side of you.

That was something Kazander had an issue with for awhile. There were things I did to him that made him nervous and anxious. But he couldn’t talk to anyone about it. He sure as hell couldn’t talk to his vanilla friends. Being exposed to other men and women who understand what he’s feeling, people he could confide in and vent to, has helped him.

He can talk to people who understand the anxiety he felt when I first opened our relationship, people who understand the anxiety he feels when I make him do something that scares him.  Making friends who he can talk to about those kinds of things has been wonderful for him.

And it took a long time for him to get to that point.  He’s not a social butterfly to begin with, and communicating about his feelings isn’t something he excels at.  But eventually, in talking to other subs who are open about themselves, he started opening up a bit, himself.

And really, that is such an important thing.  Too many submissive men feel isolated, and unable to really talk.  I mean, of course they can always talk to their Dominants, but sometimes they just need to be able to talk to someone else.  That’s the way it is with Kazander, anyway.

So yes, the internet is a very good thing, and a useful tool.  But for the men who are too embarrassed or too ashamed to go to a munch, they are quite effectively telling Dominant women what they can expect in a relationship.  If a man is too ashamed to go to a munch, and engage in (mostly) vanilla conversation with other lifestyle people, if he’s unable to be that open, then I can safely assume he’s going to try to shove me into one little corner of his life, and keep me there.


That doesn’t work for me.  I don’t fit neatly into little corners and boxes.  I burst through and fuck shit up.  It’s kinda my thing.  And I do it extraordinarily well.

Now, I understand that the majority of men can’t handle that.  And I get it.  I know it’s overwhelming, I know.  I’m not saying that all Dommes do what I do or expect what I expect.  I’m sure there are some that aren’t open, and keep D/s in that little corner, and I’m sure that works for them.

I am not one of those women.  And I have personally never met one of those women.  The women I have personally met and spoken to about this topic agree that men refusing to go to munches and/or acknowledging their orientation is supremely annoying and frustrating.

We’re proud of who we are.  And we’re proud of the men we own.  If those men can’t be proud of us, then we have no interest.

2 thoughts on “Answering a comment

  1. Dave A says:

    Interesting post. I’ve been to a few munches and a clubfem “high tea” (I know your opinion on that org 🙂 and a local dungeon’s “women in command” night and I’ll add that for whatever reason the Internet (aka FL) worked better for me when it came to meeting women I could actually relate with.

    I think part of that is as you say: men are less public about this stuff but most especially around other men, in some random dive bar, drinking cheap beer.

    • Domina Jen says:

      True. And I’ve met all three of my boys on the Internet. But I can’t tell you how many people I’ve talked to who complained about how frustrated they were with not finding someone online, but absolutely, stubbornly refuse to go to a munch.

      And yeah, ClubFem is a joke!

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