Soooo misguided….

Dear Miss Jen,

I’ve been a follower for a few months now, and I’m so glad to have found your blog.  Like you, I’m also religious, and had a difficult time accepting my submissive desires, and marrying them with my religious beliefs.  To have found you, a proud Christian and proud Dominant, is amazing.

I loved your post about feminism, and how it’s gone too far.  It’s so refreshing to see someone who is actually level-headed and objective, and can see things from both sides.  I feel like I can actually relate to you.

I’m a Republican, but I consider myself a moderate.  I’m pro-LGBT rights, I’m pro-feminism (reasonable feminism, anyway), and I believe that everyone who legitimately falls on hard times should be entitled to some sort of assistance.  Jesus told us to help each other.  Not to sneer at the people beneath us.

I’m writing mostly to thank you for having this blog, and being a reasonable person, and basically just existing.  I read your feminism post and it reminded me of a conversation I had with a feminist a couple of weeks ago.  We were talking about her sister, who went to a party, got drunk — she was underage — and ended up being violently raped by a number of men at the party.  It reminded me of your post about misandry, how it’s so difficult for men to navigate through a woman’s responses.  She went to the party, dressed in an extremely revealing outfit, she made the decision to get way too drunk, and she ended up dealing with the consequences.

It’s like you said, women are not dumb.  They need to be held responsible for their actions.  She made a whole series of bad decisions that led to that admittedly tragic and regrettable situation.

I don’t think that can count as rape.  When I think of rape, I think of the regrettable situations you described in your childhood.  You obviously weren’t responsible for the actions of grown men.  But an adult woman who decides to drink before she’s legally allowed, decides to go to a party dressed the way she was dressed– Really, she needs to come to terms with her bad decisions.

It would be like leaving a nice car, unlocked and unattended, in a notoriously shady neighborhood.  Of course it’s going to be stolen.  And it is the owner’s bad decision for leaving it there.

Haha, I guess I’m rambling, just like you do.  Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for this blog, and for giving me hope that I’ll find the perfect Dominant woman for me.  I hope you have a lovely day.


Oh… my God, bro…

Congratulations, you’re the first person in almost five years to actually, genuinely render me speechless.

I have written and rewritten this response at least a dozen times.  My reactions have ranged from compassionate understanding to indignant rage.

Even now, I don’t know where to start.  I’ve literally been staring at this screen, tapping my keyboard absently, for the last 9 minutes.

First of all, I’m flattered that you feel so strongly about the blog, and about me.  I’m happy to have helped you find self-acceptance.

But holy fucking hell, dude. 

Literally, I don’t know where to start.

Okay, so this is not a political or religious blog.  I’ve discovered that my political and religious ideas tend to piss off everybody:  Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, atheists, Christians, non-Christian religious people, you name it.

And yes, Matt, I’m going to piss you off, too.

I have no doubt that you’re a good person.  But you have taken so much of what I’ve said and twisted it into something completely different.

Let me clear something up.  I am not anti-feminist.  In fact, I consider myself a feminist, in that I believe that a woman has a right to choose her own lifestyle, is entitled to equal pay for equal work (which is why I can’t stand when employers try to tell you not to talk about how much you’re getting paid.  Other than the fact that it’s illegal.  You all do realize that you’re literally contributing to that still being a problem by not talking about your salary with your coworkers, right?  You all understand this, right?  That’s why women and minorities don’t make as much.  Employers can get away with it, because no one ever talks about it, so no one ever finds out.  I mean, you all know this, right?), and all the same rights and privileges that a man is entitled to.

That rant was about the women who believe that any situation that puts a man in a position of authority over a woman is sexist, or any action movie that doesn’t have at least two female characters who have a conversation with each other about something other than one of the male characters is sexist (yes, that’s actually a thing), and how a woman who chooses to live her life differently, or believe differently, is contributing to “the Patriarchy,” and “setting women back 50 years.”

And as far as the misandry post…. Holy hell, dude, I’m just at a loss.

First of all (and most fucking importantly), that woman is not a fucking car.

I am not a fucking car.  I am not a fancy watch, or a purse left unattended, or a bank with its doors left open at night, or a house left unlocked while the owners go on vacation.

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

I’m a fucking human being.  The same as you.  I just wrote a fucking post literally hours before you sent this email that talked about a woman having value outside of what a man thinks of her.

So here’s a fun new thought.  Can we stop equating women to inanimate objects in an effort to show their value?  Are you saying I’m no different than a goddamn watch?  Than a fucking car?

Are you kidding me?

I am not a consumable good.  Men do not have a right to me, regardless of where I am or what I’m wearing.  You cannot have me, just because I may seem available.  I am not here for the taking.

Those men did not have a right to that woman, simply because she was drunk and scantily-clad.  They are not consumers, taking advantage of a fucking fire sale.  She is not a car.  She is not a thing.  She is a fucking person.

So do you believe that, if you were out jogging alone in the early morning, and were attacked and raped (because you’ll recall from my post that men are very likely raped more than women), it would be your fault for being out alone at that hour?

Why is it different for a woman?

I’ll tell you.  It’s because you see women as a commodity.  And, if it’s an available commodity, you obviously have a right to it.

You do realize that this is a huge Muslim belief, right?  I have no idea what your thoughts on Muslims are (and if you’re prejudiced against them, just stop reading now and don’t come back, I don’t want you as a follower), but a great deal of Republicans are convinced that Muslims are “evil.”

Which makes their mindset that women are somehow responsible for dressing modestly and covering themselves to keep from being raped even more ridiculous.

Have you ever wondered why a Muslim woman wears a hijab?  Burka?  Whatever?  Have you ever thought to fucking Google some shit?

It’s because she has a responsibility to shield herself from the “lustful eyes of men.”  I’m not making that up.  Is that what you think Christian women should do, too?  Should we start dressing like that?  I mean, it does say in the Bible that women should dress like that.

My post about misandry, and holding women responsible for their actions, was talking exclusively about consenting adults having consensual sex (and the post states that.  I assumed it was pretty clear).  Nothing I have ever written even remotely applies to the slut-shaming that has been running so rampant, or to the notion that a rape victim “was asking for it.”

I don’t give two fucks if I’m walking down North Las Vegas Blvd, by myself, at 2 in the morning, completely fucking naked.  It doesn’t change the fact that men don’t have a right to touch me.  And holding me responsible for the actions of a deranged criminal is laughable and infuriating.

What if I had been raped that night when I lied down on the table at Sadie’s house, wearing nothing but my panties, while Mal showed me what it’s like to experience fire play?  I chose to do that, despite the fact that neither Kazander nor Sounder were there, and no one but petite women were present.  None of them could’ve stopped Mal, had he decided to cross a line.  I wouldn’t have been able to stop him, had he decided to cross a line.

I knew this, and I still chose to do it.  Had he “taken advantage” of that situation, and touched me without my consent, would that have been my fault?  Would I have been “asking for it?”

How is that different from the woman at the party?  How is it her fault that the men around her decided to break the fucking law, and treat her like an object to be used for their amusement?  Why is she responsible for their actions?

Why do they have a right to her body?  Why do they have the right to touch her?

You do not have a right to a woman’s body, regardless of her mental state or attire.

You do not have a right to touch me.  Hell, even the men I own don’t have the right to touch me.  It’s a privilege I give them because I trust them, and because I enjoy them and enjoy being touched by them.  But I’m the one who decides who is entitled to that privilege.  And I have the power to revoke it wheneverthefuck I want, for whatever reason I want.

Do you think that changes if I’m scantily-clad?  Or naked?  Or drunk?  Or asleep?

You took the time to point out that she was violently raped.  Which makes me assume that she was very clear about not wanting to be touched.  What about that is difficult for a man to navigate?  If a woman says “No,” if she pulls away, if she struggles, if she screams, how is that unclear?  How does a man have trouble figuring that out?

Women are not things.  Men do not have the right to abuse women, for any fucking reason.


I suggest you take a good, long look at how you view women.  Before you start looking for that perfect Dominant woman.

8 thoughts on “Soooo misguided….

  1. Steve says:

    That was a great answer to a dumbass remark. I can’t believe that he feels that women are asking for it just because of the way she was dressed. Most women dress scantily anymore mainly because that is the fashion of this generation. No one deserves that kind of treatment no matter who they are or how they are dressed. Steve

  2. Possibly Lost says:

    Sorry, but that *has* to be a troll, s/he wasn’t doing terribly well in the first place, but the horrendous victim blaming makes the troll alarms go on full. If it was posted as a reply, then I’m tempted to think it’s a besmirching attempt.

    Seriously though.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Unfortunately, this is a somewhat common mindset lately. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that argument. Or leaving a purse unattended, and it getting stolen. Or homeowners going on vacation and leaving their house unlocked. I literally had someone (in person) once say, “If the owner of a bank left the doors unlocked and wide open all night, and it was robbed, whose fault is that?”

      This is just one more metaphor, assuming that women are consumables, available to anyone who may want them. One more in a long, sad list.

  3. Mic says:


    Some men just never seem to learn … and they come always and ever with the same stupid comparisons and the same stupid arguments.

    I guess there’s a rule that states: every time you compare something to a car you are WRONG!

  4. Polthus says:

    Like Possibly Lost, my knee-jerk reaction was to think this was a rather lengthy troll attempt. Sad state of affairs when you can no longer tell whether someone is feigning stupidity or expressing what they really believe. But it really does smell like bait.

    Either way, as you pointed out, it’s not as though this mindset doesn’t exist.

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