Sounder Speaks – A guest post written by the sissy

As Domina Jen said, “just a tiny little pill.”  Not only was this the title of the blog post I had feared was inevitable, but it was representative of how the past several months have gone.  Feminization was never something I had expected, nor was it something I even knew much about, but it started in this same “just a….” fashion and before I knew it I was popping a tiny little pill out on its corresponding day and swallowing it down with a daily vitamin.

“Just a pair of panties” turned into “no more men’s underwear,” while “just try this dress on” evolved into “with the exception of work, women’s clothes only.”  The well-timed texts of “sweet girl,” which seemed playful enough given the physiological impossibility of that truly applying, were soon replaced by the tiny little word of “sissy.”  The realization struck hard; there were no physiological barricades to that title actually applying.

Playful left the building on that infamous night She handed me that first pill.  All of the side effects, which She was kind enough to detail at great lengths, seemed to pale in comparison to the one vision of that small white pill between Her finger and thumb.  All of the tangible fears couldn’t hold a match to what the first pill represented.  Understandably that must sound illogical, but I knew once that bridge was crossed and pill #1 was dissolving in my stomach it would follow in the footsteps of every other step.

As I suspected, minutes after pill #2 began working its way through my system, the fear transitioned to something far more puzzling for someone who had not imagined feminization: “Shit, what if this doesn’t work?”  You see, I don’t like failing at anything, and when you add the additional layer of detecting the enthusiasm Domina Jen had for the process, I began hoping for the results to be even more significant than the details She had used to scare me.

As of this writing, twenty-four hours have passed since Domina Jen studied and prodded me until She confirmed what I had thought, that the pills actually are working.  It was a relief, but it was also a realization that all of the texts that had haunted my mind were going to come true in due time as well.  Then, of course, there was the task that leads us here; after realizing how easily flustered I became when She updated me as to how many people had read the tiny pill post, naturally the next step was to ask me to contribute to the blog as a follow up to the very post that had crushed my nerves just days ago.

No matter what I have prepared for in my head, Domina Jen has a keen ability to take a difficult situation and morph it into something far more unfathomable.  For those of you who have been regular readers to this blog you know of Her requirement that Her perspective boys partake in a bisexual activity.  Now, it is not my “thing,” but I have engaged in it before so I wasn’t all that intimidated by it.  Sensing that, She made the declaration that my particular action would involve the additional layer of doing so while dressed as a sissy.

The buildup to that moment was a level of fear that my body had never encountered before.  Of course, detecting this, She was kind enough to regularly check in to let me know just how many hours I had remaining until it happened.  I’m a very self-aware person and I could feel the trembles, and I was fully aware that I was grasping for and fumbling over words as She applied the makeup to me.  None of that compared to the moment She left me standing alone in the room as She went to retrieve Kazander.  As I stood there staring at the ground listening to every step outside the room my head felt like it was a reflection in a magnifying glass while my stomach was enduring an extreme, never-ending descent on a roller coaster.  Right up until the moment She pressed his cock into my mouth , and I realized it was no longer about me.  That was what She wanted, and knowing She was not going to allow me off easy drove me to meet Her challenge and deliver what She wanted to the best of my ability.

So She continues to increase the pitch on the face of each mountain She leads me up, only to watch me step off the cliff once my mind reaches the plateau.  As She has mentioned, Her next desire is to up the wager on the bisexual action to full-on being fucked; well, truth be told, Her preferred picture to paint for me is being fucked by 4-5 men during one time.  Some of you can probably understand the terror in hearing the cliff notes version of conversations She has as She actively recruits the 4-5 men.  She has me so paranoid of the event that I literally pace in front of my windows waiting to catch a glimpse of Her car pulling up the driveway, hoping to see only one head in the car.

There is an important distinction between stepping off a cliff and being pushed.  None of this has been against my will; this isn’t 1492 after all.  We have crossed lines that I didn’t know I had, simply because I never imagined these lines ever being in front of me.  As has been alluded to here, I’ve been dealing with a perfect storm of health issues that have minimized my ability to withstand the type of kink my world had been centered on.  Although some more “balanced” people would disagree, by opening the door to this new world, Domina Jen has actually done an amazing thing for me.  She gave me something to embrace and dedicate myself to, that injuries really do not preclude my fullest participation.

That is not to say that it hasn’t turned my mind inside out, and that I don’t lie awake at night staring at the ceiling, fearing what could come next.  But isn’t that one of the great facets of having a kinky lifestyle?  I have a Pavlovian response to the text message indicator on my phone, men’s underwear seems foreign, the porn I watch would make my former self blush and turn away. 

So one little pill has evolved into 15, a cock in the mouth is no longer good enough, shopping for men’s clothes is pretty much off limits, and “sissy” no longer stings.  The fears will continue to increase with each “ohhhh you know what….” text and I’ll continue to have the same approach to visiting this site as someone would while opening a pressurized can of Anthrax an inch away from their face.  But that is the path, and this is my role, and far be it from me to take it lightly.

 

14 thoughts on “Sounder Speaks – A guest post written by the sissy

  1. candicejune says:

    It sounds like things are going very well with you guys. Yummy

  2. mrbillsails says:

    Wow, just Wow!

  3. DtBHC says:

    Every so often I come across a post that causes me to reflect on my submissiveness and this is one of those times. The strength of the relationship and the absolute commitment to becoming exactly what is desired just resonates in such a profound way. The journey, challenges and ultimate surrender are so appealing. I just don’t know if I could ever achieve this. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Thank you for the kind words. He’s repeatedly blown me away with his commitment and dedication to everything I’ve wanted from him. There aren’t many people out there capable of impressing me. He still continues to do so, 7 or 8 months after meeting him.

  4. Excellent post, I love this line from it. “There is an important distinction between stepping off a cliff and being pushed.”.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I love that line, too. It means a lot. He’s obeyed me, given himself over to what I’ve wanted from him, and followed me down this path, all willingly. Even when it terrified him, even when it freaked him out. I can’t ask for anything more than that.

  5. Sara Elise says:

    i can so relate to how “just panties” grows to the next step, and the one after that. Your writing about the first pill is…wow. i can imagine it all, too, when you say you found yourself stumbling over words as She prepared you for the session She was interested in.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Oh that night was awesome! And yes, I may have contributed slightly to him being so freaked out about it. But he was so flustered, and he’s so cute when he’s nervous, I couldn’t help it. I had to send him those texts. “Only three more hours until you become a sissy cocksucker. There’s no going back from that, you know…” it was priceless.

  6. Domina Jen says:

    Sounder says, “No, I had never envisioned stepping off of this cliff. I never envisioned taking this step under my own free will, but it was never a doubt that I would exercise more free will by following her down this path.”

    I say consent is a worthwhile topic, but this view of it seems skewed. You ask if it’s truly free will if you’re making a choice while under the influence of the person you’re in a relationship with, or while under the influence of aspects of your own personality.

    Since your emotions, desires, fears, passions, and lusts are a part of you, then yes, I think choices made with them qualify as free will. There are plenty of people ruled by their emotions, rather than their intellect, and no one ever claims that those people don’t have free will.

    Of course he wouldn’t have made this transformation if not for me. He says in the post that he had never been into feminization, had never thought about it, and didn’t even know much about it before meeting me. But he chose to follow me through this transformation.

    Ours is an extreme example, but every mentally/emotionally healthy adult does some version of the exact same thing, in every healthy relationship. When someone becomes a big influence in our lives, we make adjustments. We make compromises. We make decisions that we would not have made if not for that person and the influence they have.

    When you’re in a relationship, and your SO asks you to pick up milk on the way home from work, it’s because of their influence that you do it. But you can still choose not to do it. Agreeing to do something they asked you to do does not mean you’ve been stripped of your free will.

    And following your thought process, does that mean I don’t have true free will, in choosing to use Sounder the way I do? Am I simply ruled by my passions, my lust, and my desire to humiliate him?

    No. We are intelligent people, capable of complex reasoning. We possess the ability to recognize the baser impulses, such as lust, passion, and fear, and make decisions uncolored by such primitive instincts. Do emotion and passion influence Sounder’s decision to follow me? Does my influence in his life hold weight in his decision to go through with this transformation? Sure. But those things don’t make the decision for him.

    Because he has the intelligence and self-awareness to recognize those impulses for what they are, the wisdom to understand that those impulses cannot be trusted above intellect, and the strength of will to rise above them in the decision-making process, and not let them rule him. If I were to become abusive or violate his hard limits, his passion and my influence would not stop him from shutting the whole thing down.

    Oh, and as was your intention, we both noticed the use of the “giggly sissy.” I don’t think that term applies to the man who can break a metal chain (twice) without trying; push himself off the bed, while injured, with me on his back, pulling him down; high jump onto a 6-foot-wall; has routinely jumped out of airplanes (without thinking twice about it); and has been shot more than once.

    In short, he’s a legitimate badass, and some pills are not going to change that.

    He’s also *my* submissive. Meaning *I* can say degrading and demeaning things to/about him. Other people cannot. That’s kind of D/s 101.

    And while I have no problem with the drama mongering, the insults, the spiteful comments, and the threats I get on a regular basis because of my decision to run this blog, I do recognize that Sounder did not choose this. He did not choose to have incredibly personal and private details about him broadcast over the internet. It’s a very vulnerable thing that he would not have picked for himself. And I have no problem shutting down comments and commenters that I feel may cause him unnecessary stress.

    This is *my* blog. It’s not a democracy. There’s no right to free speech here. It’s what I choose to allow, and the voices I choose to acknowledge. I will not acknowledge or allow people to demean someone I respect exponentially more than I could ever respect a group of anonymous words on a screen.

    But for as protective as I am of him, I also have very much of an approach-at-your-own-risk mentality. For exactly the reasons listed above, as well as more than a few that remain unlisted for the sake of trying to keep this at least somewhat short, anyone who may feel an urge to demean him is welcome to try.

    Sure, they’ll be able to do it. Once.

    And then, if I don’t get to them first, I’m more than happy to stand back and watch Sounder tear them down, verbally, mentally, or physically.

    He didn’t think you were as clever as you’d like to believe in your attempt to get a rise out of us, and his response to that term is one reason in a long list of reasons why I adore him:

    “Do you think you’d look ridiculous getting the shit kicked out of you by a giggling sissy?”

    • Stan says:

      You know something, Jen, I’m really tired of you trying to interpret my motives and intentions for me. You’re offended by the word “giggly”! You take from that word that my intention was to insult you and him, that it was an attempt to get a “rise” out of the two of you! Bullshit! It was a sincere question on consent, nothing more. Your attempt and his attempt to make it more than that is pathetic ,as is your threat and his threat to “kick the shit out of me.” What a waste of time to two of you are.
      Stan

      • Domina Jen says:

        Gasp, you don’t like me? Whatever will I do?

        Every comment you’ve ever left has been contrary, and every question you’ve asked has been poorly disguised as an attempt to garner attention. When you have a genuine question and want to know the answer, you say, “What are your thoughts on such-and-such?”

        Not, “These are my views, don’t you agree?” That’s not a desire for knowledge or perspective, that’s a desire for validation and attention.

        You even prove my point for me right here. You say we’re a waste of time, and yet you take the time to reply, to make sure you get the last word in. If you truly felt that way AND didn’t want attention, you wouldn’t have responded (which I assumed was the case when you didn’t reply within 24 hours. I figured you just didn’t think it worth your time).

        But nah, I’m done engaging.

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