Responding to comments

So I received two comments on my last post, that I want to answer in another post.  The first one is:

I know, I know. My ‘issue’ is if it will mess with his livelihood (ie work). I know a few fields where it wouldn’t be looked on very kindly.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t do it because a) you know the whole situation snd I only have what you choose to share here, and b) you have more experience than I do. Just my $0.02.

So I make it no secret that I’m impatient, basically the opposite of detail-oriented, and tend not to care about the specifics of any given situation.  With that information, it’s entirely possible that a relatively new follower of the blog may not yet know the other side of me.

With my boys, I am very patient, very thorough, and I plan out every detail I can possibly imagine (and I have a pretty active imagination).

Naturally, this is something that I researched before I even started considering it as a legitimate possibility.

And for the record, I have no plans to turn him into a woman.  He’s not trans, and I’m usually attracted to men more so than women.  This is not a hormone replacement therapy.  This is birth control.  Not the same thing.

More than that, this is a low-dose birth control, that I researched extensively and specifically requested because of what’s in it, and the dosages.

So is he going to start looking like this?


No.  Realistically, we’ll be looking at a regular, run-of-the-mill case of gynecomastia (you know, like the Rock and Triple H have, and I don’t think anyone would mistake either of them for women).

We’ll be looking at something like this–

The picture on the left, obviously.  And this is one of the most drastic cases I could find on a thinner man, so it’s unlikely Sounder will experience this from a low-dose birth control pill (I can hope, though).  The picture on the right is post-treatment for the gynecomastia.

The changes in him will be subtle enough that he’ll be able to hide them perfectly under male clothes when he needs to.  But the right fitted female clothing will accentuate and emphasize those changes, making him appear much more feminine.  It won’t affect his job in the slightest.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s say that, hypothetically, a year from now, I decide I want to take him further, and push him down that path.  I’ve already looked up LGBT employment rights for the state of Nevada.  I’ve already researched all of that, and again, that’s not something I’m even considering right now.

I don’t fuck with people’s jobs.  This holds especially true for one of my top 5 favorite people on the planet.

So no, even in that remarkably unlikely scenario, it won’t affect his job.  And yes, I do know what I’m doing.  I’ve done my own research, and have spoken to three doctors and an LGBT rights lawyer about this.  I’ve got it covered.

Thorough.  Everything I do in regards to my boys is deliberate and thorough.

And I am very good at what I do.

So, next.

This sounds incredibly hot, and like a true mind fuck. And it sounds like Sounder really is right there with you. And for all the reasons you mentioned in your last reply, you can totally figure he’s with the program.

But then you had to go and write something like

“But when I told him to strip down to his panties, his dick was hard.  So at least some part of him wanted it.”

I just spent 45 minutes schooling a bunch of 7th and 8th graders on the fact that YOUR BODY CAN NOT GIVE CONSENT, ONLY YOUR BRAIN CAN DO THAT. And even if she’s wet or he’s hard, “no” means “no.” Now, I know you know that, and I know that this is all in the context of a relationship. And *I* noticed that you said “some part of him…” But some clueless wanker is going to read that and feel all justified that it wasn’t assault because she got wet or he got hard.

So I guess all I’m asking is to please remember that the clueless will read along with the clueful. (I feel like a killjoy leaving this comment andI’m not happy about that but I am feeling all responsible, so I guess I have to….)

Yes, I’m not a psychopath, and I’m fully aware that there is a difference between a physical reflex brought on by reaction to stimulus, and the complex thought processes required to understand and consent to a situation with potential far-reaching consequences.

That comment was made (both on the blog and in person, to him) tongue-in-cheek to give him more of a mindfuck, and to illustrate the mood of that moment, the kind of teasing I gave him, and his reaction to it.

And yes, I had to go and write it.

Why?  Because it’s my blog, and as a general rule, I do what I want with it.

Yes, I know, social responsibility and all that.  It’s our duty to educate the masses on a lifestyle that is stigmatized and misunderstood.  I get it.  I really do.

But I’m not writing for 7th and 8th graders.  My blog makes that abundantly clear.  Multiple times.

And as far as asking me to censor myself based on the possibility that a clueless wanker might read it and get “ideas,” and that I hold myself responsible for the actions of strangers, the answer is no.

More specifically, the answer is an emphatic, passionate hell fucking no.

Just the idea of it makes me cringe.  God, no.

What if J.D. Salinger had censored himself for fear of some idiot or psychopath reading his work and getting “ideas?”  Joseph Conrad?  Steven King?

Could you imagine a world without those people, and the books they wrote?

Were those men responsible for the crimes that were committed by psychopaths who claimed they were “inspired” by their works?

And, as much as I hate to say it (and hate that the present situation is actually forcing me to say it), that nutjob, whatsherface, who wrote that 50 Shades abomination, cannot be held responsible for the fact that sex-related injuries in the US have doubled since its publication.

God, saying that made me feel dirty…

So, just real quick, I’m going to go purge my soul of the demons now, and probably throw up.  Brb.

Obviously I’m not Stephen King.  I’m not writing fiction, and I’m not getting paid for it.  But censoring yourself on the offchance that someone stupid reads it and says, “It’s on the internet, so it must be true!” is a notion that I will never, ever support.

Where would that end?  If I start censoring my writing for fear that an ignorant idiot will read it and say, “Jen says it, so it must be okay,” then what about the mentally unstable person who may read about me hitting my subs and decide to go do that to someone?

What if someone reads the post about fire play and decides to go set someone on fire?  Should I take that post down?

Oh, or the post about needle play, staples, and sutures… That could cause some pretty serious injuries if some clueless asshole read it and tried it themselves.  I guess I’d need to take that down, too.

Or the post talking about my past and my childhood.  There’s a lot of abuse, child molestation, and rape in that post.  Oh, and I mentioned that I was abusive to my boyfriends, too.  That’s got to go.

My post about the night I punished Kazander would definitely need to go.  I fully acknowledge that what I did was controversial, and really dancing on that line between right and wrong.

Ah, and there are a couple of posts scattered around that mention breath play.  That could kill someone if you’re not careful.  Those posts need to be taken down.

And pretty much every single one of the posts describing my fantasies or erotica would have to go, too.  Can’t have stupid people reading them and getting ideas.

Then there are the rope tutorials.  What if a clueless person reads them, sees the pretty pictures, and decides to tie someone up, without regard to any of the safety measures discussed in the posts?  Those need to be taken down.

And let’s not forget the post in question.  Not only is there that controversial comment, but I talk about manipulating healthcare professionals into writing prescriptions for drugs you don’t need, I talk about taking drugs that aren’t prescribed to you, I talk about a man taking drugs not FDA-approved for what I’m using them for, with all the associated risks (such as an increased risk for breast cancer, as was acknowledged in the post).

What if an 8th grader reads it and decides to go raid his parents’ medicine cabinet?  What if an idiot reads this and decides to try and get prescriptions for drugs they don’t need, and develops an addiction?  I mentioned Adderall specifically, and Adderall addiction is a pretty fucking common thing.

So many reasons to take that down.

What if someone reads any one of the dozens of posts mentioning my “assertive” driving when I’m alone in the car, and “Because Jen does it, it must be cool,” and ends up wrapped around a pole?

Because, just like in this current situation, I have a history, an education, and a skill set that enable me to excel at driving assertively (can you parallel park a 53-foot semi truck in less than a minute?  Wanna take a guess who can?  And who did, at 21 years old?).

Other people may not have that background.  Other people may not be able to do what I can.  Other people may not be able to differentiate right from wrong.  Other people may not have a capacity to feel empathy.  Other people may be completely, violently psychotic.

I used to smoke, too.  Should I scour my blog for any mention of that, in case an 8th grader reads it and decides to take up smoking?

I got unexpectedly pregnant by a man I’d been dating for like a month, and have mentioned that a few times.  I’d have to take all that out.  I wouldn’t want a clueless person or a junior high school student to read it and think, “Well it worked out for Jen,” and use that to justify having unprotected sex.

When I was a teenager I dated my best friend’s dad, a man 26 years older than I was, and we had sex pretty much every day.  What if an underage person reads that and feels justified in having sex with a teacher?  All the posts that mention that need to be taken down.

My relationship with Sounder started off as a FinDomme, and he paid me for my time.  In Nevada, that could be construed as solicitation or prostitution.  Should I take down the posts talking about that?  Hell, the entire time I lived in Alabama, my relationship with Southern was as a straight-up ProDomme, and while I never had sex with any of my clients, I was being paid for sexual services, which made me a sex worker, which (in the Bible Belt) made me a prostitute.  I’d have to take down those posts, too.  What if someone reads that and decides to be a prostitute in Vegas (where it’s illegal), and gets arrested and thrown in jail?

I’ve got like eight more examples in my head, and if you give me three and a half minutes, I could probably come up with at least a dozen more.  But I think I’ve effectively illustrated my point.

Yes, I’m aware that clueless people, mentally unstable people, underage people, psychotic people, and just plain stupid people may have access to this blog.  I do what I can to prevent the underage part, but that’s about all I can do.

Let me rephrase that.  That’s all I’m willing to do.  I’m not going to make my blog PG-rated, to make sure no one reads it and decides to go assault someone.

Because “Well Jen said it’s okay if he’s hard,” taken obscenely out of context, won’t hold up in a courtroom.  And my intended audience (reasonably intelligent adults with a firm grasp on the objective analysis and evaluation of an issue in order to form a judgment…  and, you know, context) would never do something like that, anyway, whether it’s on someone’s blog or not.

I’m not a role model, and I’m not personally responsible for what stupid/ignorant/clueless/unstable people do.  If I don’t own you, or didn’t make you, I’m not responsible for you.

Does that make me a bad person?  Well, maybe it does.

But I’ve said it a hundred times, and I’ll say it a hundred more; I have never claimed to be a good person.

8 thoughts on “Responding to comments

  1. Well said and to quote Another master of Fiction Stan Lee “Nuff Said”

  2. Mic says:


    And considering the photos: cortisone can do much “worse” things to a man’s breast than that on the left picture ;-).

  3. possiblylost says:

    When it comes down to it, all your subs have capacity to consent and will make choices to submit to you or not. As beautiful a feeling it is when your better half makes your mind melt away, you don’t suddenly lose any ability to reason things out or to make such choices.

    Of course when Sounder decides to go all the way and lures Kazander from you with promises of neverending BJs, then you will only have yourself to blame =p

    • Domina Jen says:

      Lol! Whenever Kazander and I joke about something like that, I tell him, “Fine, but you’re taking the kid.”

      And he always says, “Sure! Do you have any idea how much of a chick magnet a cute little girl is?”

  4. First off, thanks for responding to my comment. Second off, I think you gave it more time and attention than it deserved.

    As chance would have it, I went to see a stand-up monologist right after I wrote that comment. One of his points: we do each other a disservice when we pluck one comment out of context and get all upset about it. And that’s exactly what I did. (Well, my intent was not to get “all upset.”) But apparently I did feel like I needed to point it out. Which I didn’t.

    Clearly, you made your comment about his dick being hard and some part of him wanting it in the context of both a relationship and a larger moment in that relationship.

    Ironically, I’m more allergic than most to the idea that everything must be safe and sanitized to the point of sterility. Things that are sterile don’t grow, and I think that’s what a lot of us are trying to do. So the last thing I would want you to do is to take any of those things you mentioned out of your blog. And the fact that you leave comments up means you do far more than due diligence in allowing reactions and other points of view.

    I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate the landscape of being a kinky person, a sexuality educator, an old white guy, and socially responsible, all at the same time. With the best of intentions, I screwed this one up. Thanks for the lesson.

  5. Domina Jen says:

    I can definitely understand that, and have been guilty of the exact same thing before. Eh, no one’s perfect.

    It’s a difficult thing to navigate at the best of times. Kink and vanilla life don’t always match up, and trying to marry the two takes work. It’s a complicated mess of conflicting urges, emotions, morals, and values.

    The way I treat my boys would be appalling to most people (and indeed, would be appalling to me, too, if it wasn’t a consensual situation). The way I run my household and my relationships are things that even my closest friends don’t understand, and have given up trying.

    It’s never easy, but we do the best we can, because it’s absolutely worth it.

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