So one of the benefits of reproducing is that my boobs grew.
Like, a lot.
Does it outweigh the weight gain and the stretch marks and the hip pain (no one tells you about that, man. When I was pregnant, and my hips started spreading, that shit hurt so bad, I’d lie on my side on my tile floor and find the heaviest shit I could find to pile on top of my hips, or make Kazander literally sit on me, just to make it stop hurting for just like 5 minutes) and the change in tastes and the shitty memory they said was supposed to go away but never did?
Eh, I dunno.
I got professionally fitted again, because all of a sudden I was spilling out of my bras, and contrary to what Kazander says, that is not sexy. And it turns out that I’ve gone up another cup size.
I’m now a 38F.
Yay for losing weight everywhere but my boobs!
However, as much as I love my tits, and the fact that they’re getting bigger as I lose weight, rather than smaller, there are a couple of disadvantages to living with impressively fantastic knockers.
So I decided to put together a list, for those who are unfamiliar with this particular set of problems. These are in no particular order, just what comes to mind.
- Seatbelts are the enemy. And having big boobs with a pregnant belly? Just give up now.
- I was a DD by the time I hit high school. That may sound cool, but think about that for a minute. A 14-year-old with DDs is not super-fun.
- Bras are a necessary evil. Cheap bras don’t exist in my size. I can’t go to Walmart/Target/Kmart/Whatever to buy bras for $15 like other women can. Hell, I can’t even go to Victoria’s Secret. They only go up to a DD. (Edit: According to their website, go up to a DDD, but when I went there 2 years ago, all they had were DDs in the store, and the associate said that’s as high as they went).
- So I’m stuck buying $60-$80 bras from places that specialize in plus-size clothing. The problem is that my band size is on the smaller end of plus size. In fact, if I go down another band size (to a 36), I won’t be able to shop at Torrid anymore, since they’re going to stop carrying 36 band sizes.
- Oh, that cami comes with a built-in bra? That’s cute.
- Strapless bras? Yeah, no. Actually, Torrid makes a strapless bra that actually stays up, and I don’t spill out of it. It’s uncomfortable like you wouldn’t believe, but I’m a 38F. Comfortable bras are like unicorns.
- Going braless isn’t an option. Much of the time, I’ll wear one under my pajamas at home, because braless is actually uncomfortable.
- Sleeping bras are a thing.
- Bras that are actually sturdy enough to provide enough support to ease the back pain are noisy. Yes, noisy. As in, they literally creak when I move.
- Bathing suits are evil. I finally found one that fits, a fatkini I bought at Torrid. The top functions like a bra, but I had to buy the pieces in separate sizes (Torrid has their own sizing system). The top is a size 3 (and I only got the 3 because they didn’t have a 4, but I don’t spill out of it too badly, so it works). The bottom is a size 1.
- Working out? Yeah, you’ll need two sports bras. At the very least. When I was running regularly, I’d wear 3 or 4. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to wear 3 sports bras at the same time?
- If, God forbid, I have to break into a run unexpectedly, I have to literally hold my tits. Yeah, it looks hilarious to you, but shit’s fucking heavy. It hurts.
- Clothes don’t fit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried on dresses or jackets or tops that fit great around my waist and stomach, but don’t fit the girls. And buying something big enough to accommodate the boobs looks like a sack just hanging off of me. If I want something to fit me properly, I have to buy it in a size that fits the boobs and then pay to have it taken in.
- Button-up shirts are the enemy. Unless you buy it 3 sizes too big, you’re going to have space between the buttons.
- Everything looks sexy. Which may seem fine, until you’re at church, or meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time, or at work, or basically any situation where you can’t wear a Tshirt, but should keep yourself covered. I have literally worn a turtleneck in June (in Vegas) before.
- Back pain. Forever. Unrelenting. And if you’re stupid enough to do things that involve bending over just slightly, like washing dishes, you can expect to be in pain for the rest of the day. It just becomes a part of life. There’s no escaping it.
- People constantly exclaiming, “Wow, they’re so big!” Yeah, I know.
- People constantly asking if I’ve considered a breast reduction.
- People often saying that they’re “too big.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard guys say, “Yeah, I don’t know. I just think there’s a point where they’re too big, and not attractive anymore.” Often, these are the same guys who get offended at a chick breastfeeding in public. Because flaunting tits for his benefit is fine. But showing the same amount of boob (or less) to use them for their intended use is “gross.” And if you’re one of those men, just know that you helped make my life a living hell while I was trying to keep my 2-month-old daughter from literally starving (ever heard of Wasting Syndrome?) and I don’t care how nice you may be otherwise, I think you’re a sexist, misogynistic asshole. Because God forbid a woman use her tits for what they were intended for, instead of being your eye candy. I just find it hilarious that I can go around wearing a low-cut shirt with my tits spilling out of my bra, and no one says a word. But show way less boob to feed my severely-underweight daughter, and random people walk by saying, “That’s gross. Do you have to do that here?” Bitch I will squirt it at you.
- What was I talking about?
- Stretch marks. On your tits. Yeah, that’s why sleeping bras are a thing.
- Trying to hold a guitar/ukulele properly is a physical impossibility. I can’t play my ukulele standing up. I have to sit down and hold it in my lap.
These are just a few. And don’t get me wrong, I will gladly deal with all the problems that big boobs cause. I’ll pay for the bras and wear the turtlenecks and get the clothes tailored and deal with the back pain.
Because big boobs are awesome.