You’re doing -everything- wrong

Please teach me mistress i surrender and Need long term online training

Okay, I’m flattered that you would want to surrender to me, and would want me to train you, assuming this is coming from a genuine place.

But this sentence is painful, and everything you could have possibly done wrong, you did wrong here.

Like, it’s impressive how much wrong you crammed into this sentence.


So you either wrote that comment to be a sexist jerk and attention whore, or you simply don’t know what you did wrong.

I’m going with the second option, and to help you in the future, I’ll tell you exactly what you did wrong and how to fix it.

First of all, grammar and punctuation matter. This is the only first impression you get, and while you didn’t threaten to rape or murder me (which is an improvement over some messages I get), you damn sure didn’t blow me away with your charm and intellect.

I’m not a huge fan of the online protocol of capitalizing pronouns for Dominants, but titles, when used, really should be capitalized. The fact that you didn’t capitalize anything (except a random N) or use a single bit of punctuation makes you look lazy, and like you don’t care.

Why would I want a submissive like that? Why would I want a submissive who can’t/won’t put forth the effort required to edit and proofread a single sentence? How reliable can I expect that person to be?

You also posted this as a comment on this post, which means you either randomly picked a post from like 6 months ago because you know you’re a troll and don’t want to be embarrassed by having everyone see it (in which case, you really shouldn’t have written it in the first place), or you’ve actually read some of my blog.

But if you’ve read some of my blog (or my Fetlife profile), you know that I don’t like the use of titles by people I don’t own.  Funny enough, a post written the very next fucking day (as in, literally the next goddamn day) explicitly states that I don’t want people I don’t own to use titles when addressing me.

Don’t feel like reading that post?  Or did you happen to miss the part where I said I don’t want boys I don’t own to use titles?  Well, here ya go.

In fact, if I don’t own you, I don’t want you to call me by a title at all.  My name is Jen.

I’m not your Mistress. I’m not your Owner.

I’m a person, dude.

I’m not a fetish delivery system. And sending a message like this one, begging to serve me without a desire to get to know me, and without giving me an opportunity to get to know you, makes you come across as a sexist troll who only cares about the kinks I can satisfy for you.

Yeah, no. That’s what porn and Pro ProDommes are for. That’s not what I do.

Kinks and fetishes can be negotiated. But if I can’t stand you as a human being, there’s no getting around that.

Along that same vein, your message talks about what you need. You tell me what you want from me, you tell me the need you want satisfied, but not even a sliver of a thought is given to how you can serve my needs.

Since, you know, that’s kind of the point of a Femdom relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, talking down to you while you jerk off on cam does not serve my needs.

Even in online relationships, the sub’s job is to serve his Dominant.  Often, this is done financially.  If you can’t be there to massage my feet, pay for my pedicures so someone else can.

But it doesn’t always have to be financial.  Steel isn’t local to me, but he still serves me.  Not financially, he serves me by being my sounding board.  He patiently listens to me vent and rant, and has the unique ability to show me different perspectives without undermining my authority, and can point out if I’m possibly wrong about something without being a dick.  He’s someone whose opinion and wisdom I trust, and someone I know will drop what he’s doing when I need him.

But that’s my point.  He works to improve my life in a real way.  He uses his talents, his strengths, his skills to serve me.  In fact, when Kazander and I were at our worst, it was his skill, his ability to tactfully point out things I might have missed, that showed me how to take a big step toward saving my marriage.

So service doesn’t have to be financial.  But there does have to be some kind of service there.  And you talked about what you want without so much as a hint about what you have to offer.

More than that, you told me to teach you. There wasn’t even a question there. As if you have some kind of right or privilege to me and my time.  As if one poorly-worded message entitles you to my attention.

Fuck everything about that.

So, to recap, this message made you come across as lazy, sexist, rude, and inconsiderate.

And you haven’t yet found a Domme to serve?  What a shock.

But again, I’m choosing to assume you’re actually a good person, just new, inexperienced, and simply unaware of how you’re coming across.

So now I’ve told you what you’re doing wrong. But how do you correct those mistakes for next time?

First, read, goddammit.

Yes, reading is tedious and time-consuming. Do it anyway. Relationships take work.

The Internet gives you the unique opportunity to get to know the person you’re messaging before you message them. Take advantage of that opportunity.

Had you read the very next day’s post on my blog, you would’ve known that I don’t want you to call me Mistress.

Sounder read my blog before messaging me for the first time on Collarspace.

No, not a post or two of my blog. The. Entire. Blog.

All two-hundred-some posts.

Armed with a pretty damn good idea of who I am, what I’ll react well to, and the best way to approach me, he constructed a well-thought-out, intelligent, humorous message that stood out from the other dozen or so I’d gotten that day.

Now, do you have to read my entire blog before messaging me?  No.  It impressed the hell out of me, but it’s not a requirement.

Sissy didn’t read my entire blog before messaging me.  But he wrote a sweet, intelligent message that stood apart from the others I’d gotten that day.  He consistently went above and beyond my expectations and surprised and impressed me.

What Sissy and Sounder have in common is that they both approached me as a person first.  Their messages didn’t list their kinks or their fetishes or their fantasies.  In fact, other than Sissy mentioning that he’s a sissy, and Sounder mentioning some of his past experience, nothing in either of their messages had anything to do with their kinks.  Both messages were polite, courteous, and gave me the opportunity to get to know them as people, rather than a list of fetishes.

Of course, the list of fetishes is important, and will be shared soon after the first exchange of messages.  Sexual compatibility and whatnot.

But again, fetishes and kinks can be negotiated.  Personal compatibility is way more important.  And a man who sees me as a person instead of his personal outlet for experiencing fetishes will always win over the one who spews the list of fantasies and what he wants from me.

So read profiles.  Read blogs.  Put some work into getting to know the person you want to serve.  If, after learning a bit about their personality, you still want to serve them, that’s when you send the message.

You may find out that I spent the evening eating almost half a pint of pistachio gelato while watching last night’s RAW and The Edge and Christian Show That Totally Reeks of Awesomeness (I cried when Edge retired from wrestling a few years ago), listening to Angela Gheorghiu, and reading Deadpool vs Spiderman comic books and decide that I’m not your type.

Or, more likely, maybe you’ll read about me and decide that I’m amazing and wonderful and charming and witty and modest and you totally want to worship the ground I walk on.

So how do you get my attention?

Well, take everything that you did in your first message, and do the exact opposite.

Instead of doing the online equivalent of a catcall (which is what you did, and it doesn’t work any better online than it does in real life, mostly because deep down, you don’t have any more interest in me as a person than the men making catcalls have interest in the objects of their momentary lust), approach me with respect, and courtesy, and show me why you’re worth my time.

If you don’t have a legitimate interest in serving me, then don’t catcall me.  If you do have a legitimate interest in serving me, then take the time to think about how you’re coming across.  If you actually want to serve a woman, then show her in the first message.  Make the effort to be respectful, and to stand out from the rest.

Hopefully, if you actually are a genuine sub, this will help you in the future in your efforts to find a Domme to serve.

3 thoughts on “You’re doing -everything- wrong

  1. vanillaqueen says:


  2. dualdrew says:

    I read this with a great smug-ish smile on my face because sometimes, just sometimes, it’s so fun to come right back at the commenters. That said, mine tend to be directed at “me sending Thumper to hell” or something fun like that, but coincidently, they all have one Random capital letter. All of them!!

    GREAT post and I hope you had as much fun writing it as it sounded like your did.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Of course, there’s always that random capital letter. Because they want to show you how big of an idiot they are while they’re condemning you and Thumper to hell.

      I always get a kick out of the insulting ones, though. I love that so many people think *that* highly of themselves, that they think they have any sort of power over my thoughts or feelings (or yours, when they’re directed at you). That takes a remarkable kind of arrogance that puts my own arrogant, conceited self-importance to shame.

      But hell yeah it’s fun to come back at them. Should I take the “high road” and just ignore them? Eh, maybe. But where’s the fun in that?

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