Being Found Out

Miss Jen,

You put a lot of personal information on your blog.  Do you ever worry about being found out?  How do your submissives feel about the possibility of you being found out, and then their relationship to you being found out?  And what about just IRL?  How do you have three relationships without friends or family finding out?

Curious Guy

Yes, I put a bunch of personal information here.  It’s a blog about my life.  That’s kinda the point.

And as far as being “found out?”  I’m not hugely worried about it, no.  For people who are into the lifestyle, or at least tolerant of it, I don’t care whether they know or not.  My two closest girlfriends know, and while they’re quite a bit more conservative than I am, they don’t judge, and I don’t care.

And even if some judgy prude found out, I couldn’t care less.  Let them make their judgements and hurl their insults.  Honestly, who cares?

But seriously, the chances of me being found out from the blog are slim to none.

First of all, someone would have to know me personally, and stumble onto the blog, and read enough of it to glean the details needed to identify me.  Sure there are plenty of details on the blog that can be used to identify me, but they’re scattered all over the place.  You’d have to do a lot of reading.  And at that point, who cares?  They can’t out me without outing themselves.  Because if they’re all prudish and judgy and whatnot, what are they doing stalking a FemDom blog in the first place?

So no, I’m not worried in the slightest.

As for my boys, they haven’t said anything about it to me, so I assume they’re not worried, either.  They’re big boys; they know to tell me if there’s a problem, or if I’m sharing too much for their comfort level.  My loyalty is to them, not my readers (no offense, y’all, but the people I own are my favorite people).

But I’m careful.  I know that the lifestyle we choose to lead is not hugely accepted by society as a whole.  And I know that all three of them have a lot to lose if they’re found out.  Even if my identity is discovered, Steel and Sounder are safe.  Kazander’s just shit out of luck, but he knew that when he married me, and decided to take that chance.

Now, there may come a time when Steel and Sounder are in the same wagon, but even then, I’m confident that their identities will stay safe.

I will shamelessly lie, cheat, and manipulate the fuck out of anyone to protect their identities.  There is no limit to how low I’ll go.  And I’ve blackmailed someone in the past to keep a boy’s identity secret (and I’m talking actual blackmail, not the fetish-y blackmail).  If you want to try to bring one of my boys down, I’ll bring you down, too, and I’ll bring you down harder.  Simple as that.

And while I may not have the street-thug knowledge and experience that Kazander and Steel have, and I may not have the military/intelligence knowledge and experience that Sounder has, I have my own version of manipulation, my own way of getting into people’s heads, fucking with them, and taking them down.  Usually, I use my powers for good, rather than evil.  But I can turn that around in a heartbeat, and I will, and I have, with no hesitation and no mercy.

But even that is unlikely.  I’ve been doing this for awhile.  Every boyfriend and girlfriend I’ve ever had, except for 2, has been in the lifestyle.  I’m not a liar, but I can lie, and I’ve already got excuses, stories, and explanations prepared for pretty much every situation that could possibly come up.  I’ve got stories for how I met and how I know Steel and Sounder.  If I’m seen by one of Kazander’s friends with Steel or Sounder, I’ve got an explanation for that.  If I’m seen unexpectedly by one of Steel or Sounder’s friends, I’ve got an explanation for why I’m wearing a wedding ring.  If any kind of sex toy is discovered, I’ve got an explanation for that.  If a questionable browser history is discovered, I’ve got an explanation for it.  Questionable texts/pictures on the phone?  I’ve got an explanation for it.  You name it, I can cover it up.

As far as long-term?  There’s an easy explanation for it, and it’s not even technically a lie.  I’m polyamorous.  Kazander and I have an open marriage, and Steel and Sounder are my boyfriends.  And I understand that some men may be uncomfortable with the idea of their friends and family discovering that they’re “sharing a woman.”  And both groups present different problems.

The friends’ reactions and judgments are easy enough to deal with, especially in Kazander’s case, but either Steel or Sounder could use the tactic, too.  All Kazander would have to do if one of his friends started giving him shit is show them a suggestive picture of Puppy, his kinda-sorta-ex-but-maybe-current-girlfriend (I think he has one on his phone.  And if not, he could easily get her to send him one).  None of his friends have to know that the situation is a lot more complicated than him having a girlfriend on the side.  And I mean, think about it.  He’s married, and his wife lets him sleep with whoever he wants.  What guy could give him shit about that?

Again, it’s obviously quite a bit more complicated than that, but his friends don’t need to know that.  All they need to know is that I let him have sex with other women.

Hell, most of them already know that I arranged for a stripper to suck his dick because I lost a bet, owed him a blowjob, and didn’t want to have to do it myself.

And I’ve actually gotten into arguments with his friends about whether or not that counts.  They all say that I didn’t give him the blowjob, so it didn’t count.  The deal was that he would get a blowjob if he won.  He won, and he got a blowjob.  I don’t recall either of us ever specifying that I had to be the one to give it to him.

But Sounder and Steel could do the same thing.  How many guys can say they’re in a steady relationship with a woman who is completely okay with the idea of them messing around with someone else?  A permanent Hall Pass (with restrictions, obviously, but again, vanilla friends don’t have to know that).  What guy could give them shit for that?  All either of them would have to say is, “Hmm, I’m bored.  I think I’m going to go to the bar and see if I can’t end the night with a blowjob.  It’ll give me a fun story to tell Jen about tomorrow when we go on our date.  Great dinner conversation.  Maybe I’ll see if I can snap some pictures of it to send to her.  She likes that.”

There’s nothing any guy could say to that.  You can’t give a guy shit for being in a poly relationship when random drunken (guilt-free) blowjobs are a legitimate option.  Your argument is invalid.

Family is a little trickier, and that’s Kazander’s big concern.  We live next door to his family.  We see them every day.  His parents (when they’re in town, their jobs keep them away most of the year), his uncle, and his sister and her husband all live in that house.  And, for the most part, we all get along.  Kazander says I’m “too mean” when dealing with problems when they do happen to arise, but I solve the damn problem, don’t I?

Besides, it’s not meanness, it’s directness.  I don’t do the whole passive-aggressive, pout-for-three-days, slamming-doors-and-throwing-shit thing that they like to do.  If there’s a problem, I want to deal with it now, not stew about it for days and days.

But for the most part, Kazander’s family likes me.  Life is peaceful and all that.  If they found out that I’m poly, he feels like it wouldn’t matter that he was allowed to have another woman.  They’d treat me differently because I have other men.  His mom, who is somewhat-friendly to me, would start outright treating me like shit (which she already does to my brother-in-law, so I can definitely see that happening), and that means I would start being “less nice” to her.

He feels like his dad would continue to be friendly to me, but wouldn’t understand and it just wouldn’t be the same.  Not to mention all the questions and conversations Kazander would have to deal with from his dad.

So I get it.  I still don’t like the secrecy, I don’t like the idea that polyamory is something we should be ashamed of, but I get it.  It’s best if his family doesn’t know.  If we didn’t live next door, and if he didn’t run their household and their finances, it would be a different story.  But it is what it is.

My family knows certain things.  My sister knows I’m a Domme, and my mom knows I’m poly.  My sister found out I’m a Domme when I was 22-ish and walked in to see me packing to go visit a long-distance sub of mine.  My flogger was sitting on top of my suitcase.  She said, “Nice flogger.”  I said, “Thanks.”  And that was the extent of the conversation.

My mom knows I’m poly because she overheard me talking to a friend when I was a teenager and assumed I was cheating on my boyfriend.  I corrected her, and that was the last we spoke about it until just recently.  We were talking, and I mentioned how laughable I think the idea of monogamy is in general.  She said, “Well, it worked for your dad and me for almost 30 years.”

I laughed and said, “No, it didn’t.  You told me that the last time you two had sex was when my sister and I went to a Spice Girls concert when I was 11.  You told me you were frustrated for years because you kept getting shot down, and you eventually just gave up, because you were tired of feeling undesired.  Until he got sick, I hadn’t even seen the two of you kiss since I was little, and I never once saw you hug or anything like that, unless someone had died.  That’s what I grew up thinking that marriage is.  And my sister thinks that’s why both she and I have some pretty significant intimacy issues.  Sure, there are successful monogamous marriages out there.  But staying together until one of you dies does not necessarily mean the marriage was a success.  If you wouldn’t want your daughters or your granddaughter to have the same kind of marriage you did, it didn’t work.  But people cling to monogamy, even when it doesn’t work, because that’s the only kind of relationship society decided is acceptable.”

So my family knows, but since I’m not particularly fond of my family, I don’t care what they think.  And they know the bare minimum.  My sister knows I’m a Domme, but doesn’t know anything about my dynamic with Kazander.  My mom knows I’m poly, but knows nothing about my relationships with Sounder and Steel.  And I’m perfectly fine with it staying that way.

Family is tricky.  And I’m not about to tell anyone how to deal with their family, nor am I going to argue any decisions that my boys make regarding their family.  Besides, my relationships with Sounder and Steel are less than a year old.  That’s not really something any of us are hugely worried about right this second.  Down the line, that may have to be addressed, but for now, I’m just enjoying the time I spend with them.

7 thoughts on “Being Found Out

  1. That fact that those of us in the lifestyle have to have explanations at the ready for anything that might come up makes my blood boil.

    We are not criminals. Every once in a while, I get epicly pissed that we have to have alibis at the ready.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I agree, the fact that it feels like something I should be ashamed of is irritating as fuck.

      But sometimes there really are legitimate reasons why it needs to be kept secret. Especially because I have the blog, and the occasional picture of my boys shows up. Even without the BDSM and D/s dynamic, those pictures could be damaging if not carefully screened and edited (although the BDSM and D/s dynamic certainly doesn’t help). The anonymity of my boys is extremely important, and nothing I post here can have identifying characteristics. I check with them before posting anything. Nothing here gets posted without their approval. And if they say they’re not comfortable showing it, then it doesn’t get shown.

      With family and friends, I don’t give a shit. But when it could affect someone’s family [as in child (ren)] or their job, and their ability to continue working in a particular field, that’s something I totally understand and agree that it needs to be kept very, very, very private. So in situations like that, it doesn’t bother me at all to use those alibis, to give those explanations, and tell those lies, and I’m not irritated in the slightest.

      Steel once told me about penguins, how they’ll all wait at the edge of the water, hungry and wanting to hunt for fish, but afraid to go in because it’s dangerous and there are predators. It takes one penguin to finally jump in, and the rest will follow. The problem is that the first penguin usually winds up getting eaten by a shark. But the rest survive, and thrive.

      In order for this lifestyle to start being accepted as a whole, someone needs to be that first penguin. Someone needs to be public, and loud, and vocal about educating the public, and endure the ridicule, the backlash, and the far-reaching consequences that will come with it.

      In my situation, there are children and careers to think about, so it won’t be me, and it won’t be my boys. And since I’m not currently willing to be the first penguin, since I’m not willing to actively change the way the public sees our lifestyle, I can’t really complain (too loudly) about the need for secrecy.

      One day that might change. But it won’t be any time in the foreseeable future.

  2. Well said, I got over a while caring what anyone thinks of my life but me.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I admire you for that. It’s not always easy.

      • Thanks, sometimes it’s not the easiest thing in the world. Especially since I am open about things and on my Facebook too. Then get a friend request from some one who may not have any idea . I end up weighing the options add them or explain to to them before hand

  3. thesecretheart says:

    it is complicated….and even more so with in laws and children etc. Great post of course. x

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